Decision time
catfish_friend
DH and I have to make a decision on whether or not DD1 will attend a hybrid charter school August 2011 in the next week and a half.
Our journey towards Unschooling began with my interest developing in Fall/Winter 2010 but with DH's adamant rejection of Unschooling. To maintain harmony, we applied for admission to schools for DD1.
DH is more on board with Unschooling now, and has had some wonderful epiphanies lately as he's been moving towards Unschooling and seeing the fun and joy.
DD1 is in an unschoolish preschool 4 days a week and DH is primary caregiver right now. I'm financially supporting the family right now but my current job ends after mid-September, when we plan to switch roles, though we'll both be home together for as long as we can afford it.
The hybrid charter has an interesting model and when I wasn't yet convinced that Unschooling was what I wanted to do, I thought the hybrid would be a great start.
What I'm trying to figure out is whether it's better to register our daughter for the charter while we are still moving into completely Unschooling as a family unit or if it's better at this point to shoehorn ourselves into Unschooling.
I feel that our choice to send DD1 to preschool put us dangerously close to putting her in school for kindergarten without really thinking about it. I worry that even a hybrid charter school will move us closer to school rather than unschooling. I think DH is close to embracing Unschooling whole-heartedly, and I'm trying to figure out what would be the best choice at this time for our family as we are clearly headed in that direction...but we aren't quite there, yet.
Some features of the hybrid charter:
- multi-age groupings (5-7yo for DD's group)
- 2 days/week in collaborative setting
- add'l half day of electives (optional)
- stipend for approved classes off-site
- 2 off-site days can be independent study of own design or follow teachers suggestions
- school uses nonviolent communication with children
- school provides parent support, teaching support if desired
- possible to get college credit for Homeschooling parents
- mission/vision centered around a quote from Sir Ken Robinson: "The element is where natural ability meets passion."
My inclination is that it's still too schoolish, but I think DH may think this is not schoolish enough as it's only 2/2.5 days a week. It may be a good compromise for our family. My intuition says that DH will likely be ready to unschool after we've settled into an all-family rhythm when my job is complete. Unfortunately, I won't be done with my job before the school year begins...
My thinking on this is muddy. Figuring out "better" is not so easy when it pertains to the future!
Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thoughts from reflections on moving from schoolish ways to unschoolish one's would be particularly helpful.
Thanks in advance,
Ceci
Sent from my iDon'tAlwaysHaveItOnPhone
Our journey towards Unschooling began with my interest developing in Fall/Winter 2010 but with DH's adamant rejection of Unschooling. To maintain harmony, we applied for admission to schools for DD1.
DH is more on board with Unschooling now, and has had some wonderful epiphanies lately as he's been moving towards Unschooling and seeing the fun and joy.
DD1 is in an unschoolish preschool 4 days a week and DH is primary caregiver right now. I'm financially supporting the family right now but my current job ends after mid-September, when we plan to switch roles, though we'll both be home together for as long as we can afford it.
The hybrid charter has an interesting model and when I wasn't yet convinced that Unschooling was what I wanted to do, I thought the hybrid would be a great start.
What I'm trying to figure out is whether it's better to register our daughter for the charter while we are still moving into completely Unschooling as a family unit or if it's better at this point to shoehorn ourselves into Unschooling.
I feel that our choice to send DD1 to preschool put us dangerously close to putting her in school for kindergarten without really thinking about it. I worry that even a hybrid charter school will move us closer to school rather than unschooling. I think DH is close to embracing Unschooling whole-heartedly, and I'm trying to figure out what would be the best choice at this time for our family as we are clearly headed in that direction...but we aren't quite there, yet.
Some features of the hybrid charter:
- multi-age groupings (5-7yo for DD's group)
- 2 days/week in collaborative setting
- add'l half day of electives (optional)
- stipend for approved classes off-site
- 2 off-site days can be independent study of own design or follow teachers suggestions
- school uses nonviolent communication with children
- school provides parent support, teaching support if desired
- possible to get college credit for Homeschooling parents
- mission/vision centered around a quote from Sir Ken Robinson: "The element is where natural ability meets passion."
My inclination is that it's still too schoolish, but I think DH may think this is not schoolish enough as it's only 2/2.5 days a week. It may be a good compromise for our family. My intuition says that DH will likely be ready to unschool after we've settled into an all-family rhythm when my job is complete. Unfortunately, I won't be done with my job before the school year begins...
My thinking on this is muddy. Figuring out "better" is not so easy when it pertains to the future!
Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thoughts from reflections on moving from schoolish ways to unschoolish one's would be particularly helpful.
Thanks in advance,
Ceci
Sent from my iDon'tAlwaysHaveItOnPhone
wtexans
===My intuition says that DH will likely be ready to unschool after we've settled into an all-family rhythm when my job is complete. Unfortunately, I won't be done with my job before the school year begins===
If you register her by the deadline, you still have the ability to say "no thanks" to the school when the school year rolls around, should y'all wish to homeschool.
If the school year rolls around and she attends the school, you have the ability to withdraw her at any time during the school year if y'all decide to homeschool.
If she attends school and loves it and doesn't want to withdraw, it will be a cool thing for her to know that she has the option to withdraw at any time and homeschool. That's not an option many kids in school have.
The decision you make today doesn't have to be set in stone.
Glenda
If you register her by the deadline, you still have the ability to say "no thanks" to the school when the school year rolls around, should y'all wish to homeschool.
If the school year rolls around and she attends the school, you have the ability to withdraw her at any time during the school year if y'all decide to homeschool.
If she attends school and loves it and doesn't want to withdraw, it will be a cool thing for her to know that she has the option to withdraw at any time and homeschool. That's not an option many kids in school have.
The decision you make today doesn't have to be set in stone.
Glenda
Sandra Dodd
-=-Figuring out "better" is not so easy when it pertains to the future!-=-
Everything pertains to the future, but it's better to look at the present moment. Your husband isn't willing to just unschool, so go with two choices that aren't unschooling.
-=-What I'm trying to figure out is whether it's better to register our daughter for the charter while we are still moving into completely Unschooling as a family unit or if it's better at this point to shoehorn ourselves into Unschooling.
-=-
Did you mean school, at the end there?
it seems you are consciously and partly subconsciously saying "our choices are to unschool or to unschool." But your husband doesn't want to. So you can't. Shouldn't. Not.
IF school is a problem, he will see that. If it's not, then it's not. But with divorce, you will get school. So first maintain what's important--love and marriage and peace at home.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
In the sound file at the bottom are ideas to help with "figuring out 'better'."
http://sandradodd.com/spouses
Happy parents+school is more valuable than unschooling+resistance+unhappy parents.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Everything pertains to the future, but it's better to look at the present moment. Your husband isn't willing to just unschool, so go with two choices that aren't unschooling.
-=-What I'm trying to figure out is whether it's better to register our daughter for the charter while we are still moving into completely Unschooling as a family unit or if it's better at this point to shoehorn ourselves into Unschooling.
-=-
Did you mean school, at the end there?
it seems you are consciously and partly subconsciously saying "our choices are to unschool or to unschool." But your husband doesn't want to. So you can't. Shouldn't. Not.
IF school is a problem, he will see that. If it's not, then it's not. But with divorce, you will get school. So first maintain what's important--love and marriage and peace at home.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
In the sound file at the bottom are ideas to help with "figuring out 'better'."
http://sandradodd.com/spouses
Happy parents+school is more valuable than unschooling+resistance+unhappy parents.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
HA
> The hybrid charter has an interesting model and when I wasn't yet convinced that Unschooling was what I wanted to do, I thought the hybrid would be a great start. <Sounds like a great compromise. I would stop planning for what may or may not happen in regards to unschooling down the road, and look at what will improve your family relationships in the hear and now. Respecting your husband's reservations will go a long way in that.
Hilary
catfish_friend
On Apr 20, 2011, at 2:44 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
----:::----
>
> it seems you are consciously and partly subconsciously saying "our choices are to unschool or to unschool." But your husband doesn't want to. So you can't. Shouldn't. Not.
>
> IF school is a problem, he will see that. If it's not, then it's not. But with divorce, you will get school. So first maintain what's important--love and marriage and peace at home.
----:::----
I didn't spell it out before, but DH now wants to "try" Unschooling. He doesn't want to do it by himself, though. I put 'try' in quotes because I think he's not entirely sure what Unschooling is. As suggested on this list, I hope to get our family to an Unschooling conference as soon as our schedules allow. I know that will help fill out the Unschooling picture for both of us.
What I fear is that enrolling in a school will ultimately prevent us from Unschooling. DD1 is extremely extroverted and social. DH tends towards being authoritarian and judgmental. In some ways, I can see school being great for both DD1 and DH for different reasons, but reasons that might help their relationship. On the other hand, I see Unschooling as the Holy Grail of growing into one's own -- for both the parents and the child(ren). And I want that for me and for my family. And ultimately, I see Unschooling as a meditation towards great, loving, peaceful relationships -- better than what we'd get from sending our kids to school!
Thanks again for the reminder to focus on making my marriage harmonious before fully embracing Unschooling. It is important for me to recognize that if DH is not on board with it, strife in the marriage is no place for Unschooling to thrive.
I think one draw to Unschooling for me is that I want more peace in my life. This includes my interactions with my DH.
DH can be authoritarian and judgmental with me, too. Unschooling or not, I need tools to help me respond thoughtfully to such behavior, whether supporting DD1 or standing up for myself.
Thinking about this school registration has allowed me to dig deeper into what my anxiety really is -- how can I stand up for myself? How can I support DD1 when her dad is demeaning or disrespectful to her?
Thanks again in advance for your thoughts...
This group really inspires me. Thank you all for being here!
Ceci
Joyce Fetteroll
On Apr 21, 2011, at 2:28 AM, catfish_friend wrote:
husband he can feel pressured into unschooling if other school options
are very poor. Closing off a choice because you're afraid someone will
take it can make that closed off option a lot more attractive and the
option that's forced on them less attractive. People are more likely
to focus on the positives of the closed off option and the negatives
of the forced option. Opening up choices is huge for unschooling and
you want to close them off for your husband.
meet your daughter's needs, can't work his own needs around hers,
can't find ways to be her partner rather than her boss, then school
may be a better option.
to get your way.
freely and feeling they can choose something else if it doesn't work.
Joyfully chosen school is far more likely to work than coerced
unschooling.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> What I fear is that enrolling in a school will ultimately prevent usUnschooling should be a choice. If you take away this option from your
> from Unschooling. DD1 is extremely extroverted and social. DH tends
> towards being authoritarian and judgmental. In some ways, I can see
> school being great for both DD1 and DH for different reasons, but
> reasons that might help their relationship.
husband he can feel pressured into unschooling if other school options
are very poor. Closing off a choice because you're afraid someone will
take it can make that closed off option a lot more attractive and the
option that's forced on them less attractive. People are more likely
to focus on the positives of the closed off option and the negatives
of the forced option. Opening up choices is huge for unschooling and
you want to close them off for your husband.
> On the other hand, I see Unschooling as the Holy Grail of growingAs an ideal. But it needs put into practice. If your husband can't
> into one's own -- for both the parents and the child(ren).
meet your daughter's needs, can't work his own needs around hers,
can't find ways to be her partner rather than her boss, then school
may be a better option.
> And I want that for me and for my family.Your husband is part of the family. But you want to limit his choices
to get your way.
> And ultimately, I see Unschooling as a meditation towards great,If all parties want it. If unschooling is a choice everyone's making
> loving, peaceful relationships -- better than what we'd get from
> sending our kids to school!
freely and feeling they can choose something else if it doesn't work.
Joyfully chosen school is far more likely to work than coerced
unschooling.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-DH can be authoritarian and judgmental with me, too. Unschooling or not, I need tools to help me respond thoughtfully to such behavior, whether supporting DD1 or standing up for myself.-=-
Tools for responding thoughtfully are here:
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
But standing up for yourself is a phrase one uses of an antagonist, not of a partner.
http://sandradodd.com/partners
-=-Thinking about this school registration has allowed me to dig deeper into what my anxiety really is -- how can I stand up for myself? How can I support DD1 when her dad is demeaning or disrespectful to her?-=-
Inside every man is a little boy. It's likely that his fears have to do with internal messages he has had in his life. Without supporting and soothing him and his fears, how will things change?
If your daughter doesn't choose unschooling, if she wants to go to school, then you will have one of the problems school has. If she has a choice and chooses school, it won't be as bad for her there as if she goes against her will. But if she chooses it and doesn't like it, and knows she has the choice to go home, then she can really choose unschooling.
If you're presenting unschooling as the holy grail, might your husband be having thoughts like you're being authoritarian and judgmental with him, and wondering whether there's a way he could stand up for himself?
I think you have a "there will be losers" situation, rather than a teamwork "We will love each other" common goal.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tools for responding thoughtfully are here:
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
But standing up for yourself is a phrase one uses of an antagonist, not of a partner.
http://sandradodd.com/partners
-=-Thinking about this school registration has allowed me to dig deeper into what my anxiety really is -- how can I stand up for myself? How can I support DD1 when her dad is demeaning or disrespectful to her?-=-
Inside every man is a little boy. It's likely that his fears have to do with internal messages he has had in his life. Without supporting and soothing him and his fears, how will things change?
If your daughter doesn't choose unschooling, if she wants to go to school, then you will have one of the problems school has. If she has a choice and chooses school, it won't be as bad for her there as if she goes against her will. But if she chooses it and doesn't like it, and knows she has the choice to go home, then she can really choose unschooling.
If you're presenting unschooling as the holy grail, might your husband be having thoughts like you're being authoritarian and judgmental with him, and wondering whether there's a way he could stand up for himself?
I think you have a "there will be losers" situation, rather than a teamwork "We will love each other" common goal.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
HA
> I didn't spell it out before, but DH now wants to "try" Unschooling. He doesn't want to do it by himself, though. <I think if you register with the attitude of, "When I'm back home, she can choose whether she unschools or stays in school," it might work very well in your favor.
Our two older children tried school out. They were getting a lot of pressure from other people about how much fun it was, how weird they were for not going, and the like. We tried mock days, and getting involved in more formal activities, and they still wanted to give it a try. So, we did. Neither of them wanted to keep going after two weeks, but they had the experience and chose for themselves. Both made friends and had fun, but also grew tired of the homework and the busy work and the rules and wasted time.
Hilary
catfish_friend
On Apr 21, 2011, at 5:31 AM, Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
Thank you for the reminder that Unschooling is a CHOICE for everyone involved.
I think part of my "slip" comes from the fact that if I did not initiate any movement towards schooling or Unschooling, DH would not have done any research or applications or registration for Kindergarten. He might have been fine with an extra year of DD1's unschoolish preschool except for the director suggesting that DD1 was far and away the most ready to "move on" of all her preschool mates. But an additional conflict DH and I have with the preschool was (is) the presence of bullying behavior from one particular child and the lack of addressing our concerns regarding it.
But I digress.
If I hadn't researched schools and Unschooling, we would likely have needed to unschool because of lack of options from lack of preparation and foresight. If I had just gone with my gut, and my own personal preference, I could have just let the deadlines pass and end up Unschooling or at least Homeschooling by default. Instead, I supported my husband's concerns and indecision by putting in downwind private school applications, taking time off work to tour prospective schools and then only sending DH to the school tours I thought would suit him regarding DD1's school. I spent sleepless nights (literally) getting the accounting and taxes done so that we could apply for financial aid (of which, we got none).
In other words, I'm getting lazy in the department where I'm truly considering DH's concerns in this last stretch before kindergarten starts. I'm literally sick and tired and I guess I want the decision-making process to be over now. But I can see that kind of thinking is rigid and will not ultimately support the kind of mindfulness I'm seeking.
You wise ones are right to suggest I register DD1 anyway in this hybrid and let her and DH wait and see for themselves what school looks like.
In fact, with this thread, I can see that I need to have yet another, different conversation with DH about school for DD1. There is another charter that we drew a good number for in the lottery and that charter (Waldorf-inspired) was originally DH's first choice. I have not done any further research into it because I don't appreciate many things about a Waldorf education. There is a good chance DD1 will get in to the Waldorf charter, though, so I will discuss with DH more to see what we can decide upon as a family.
The saddest part of all this in my mind is that DD1 doesn't get too much of an opportunity to figure out what she would want at this point, though I'm comforted knowing that she will be free to choose for herself when school begins whether she wants school or home on any given day.
Joyce is an appropriate moniker for the reminder you gave me -- joyfully chosen school (or anything, it seems!) is better than coerced Unschooling!!!
Cheers,
Ceci
> > CECI: And ultimately, I see Unschooling as a meditation towards great,&&&&&&&&&&&&&
> > loving, peaceful relationships -- better than what we'd get from
> > sending our kids to school!
>
> JOYCE: If all parties want it. If unschooling is a choice everyone's making
> freely and feeling they can choose something else if it doesn't work.
> Joyfully chosen school is far more likely to work than coerced
> unschooling.
Thank you for the reminder that Unschooling is a CHOICE for everyone involved.
I think part of my "slip" comes from the fact that if I did not initiate any movement towards schooling or Unschooling, DH would not have done any research or applications or registration for Kindergarten. He might have been fine with an extra year of DD1's unschoolish preschool except for the director suggesting that DD1 was far and away the most ready to "move on" of all her preschool mates. But an additional conflict DH and I have with the preschool was (is) the presence of bullying behavior from one particular child and the lack of addressing our concerns regarding it.
But I digress.
If I hadn't researched schools and Unschooling, we would likely have needed to unschool because of lack of options from lack of preparation and foresight. If I had just gone with my gut, and my own personal preference, I could have just let the deadlines pass and end up Unschooling or at least Homeschooling by default. Instead, I supported my husband's concerns and indecision by putting in downwind private school applications, taking time off work to tour prospective schools and then only sending DH to the school tours I thought would suit him regarding DD1's school. I spent sleepless nights (literally) getting the accounting and taxes done so that we could apply for financial aid (of which, we got none).
In other words, I'm getting lazy in the department where I'm truly considering DH's concerns in this last stretch before kindergarten starts. I'm literally sick and tired and I guess I want the decision-making process to be over now. But I can see that kind of thinking is rigid and will not ultimately support the kind of mindfulness I'm seeking.
You wise ones are right to suggest I register DD1 anyway in this hybrid and let her and DH wait and see for themselves what school looks like.
In fact, with this thread, I can see that I need to have yet another, different conversation with DH about school for DD1. There is another charter that we drew a good number for in the lottery and that charter (Waldorf-inspired) was originally DH's first choice. I have not done any further research into it because I don't appreciate many things about a Waldorf education. There is a good chance DD1 will get in to the Waldorf charter, though, so I will discuss with DH more to see what we can decide upon as a family.
The saddest part of all this in my mind is that DD1 doesn't get too much of an opportunity to figure out what she would want at this point, though I'm comforted knowing that she will be free to choose for herself when school begins whether she wants school or home on any given day.
Joyce is an appropriate moniker for the reminder you gave me -- joyfully chosen school (or anything, it seems!) is better than coerced Unschooling!!!
Cheers,
Ceci
catfish_friend
On Apr 21, 2011, at 8:15 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
> Inside every man is a little boy. It's likely that his fears have to do with internal messages he has had in his life. Without supporting and soothing him and his fears, how will things change?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am aware of this. Yet, there are times I feel resentment because sometimes I want to be the one who gets supported and soothed by DH. And it seems I don't get that support nearly as much as I'd like to. I had a conversation with a girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not just as mothers to our children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly -- it gets frustrating to give and give when it seems that not much is returned when it comes our own needs of our partners. It would be unfair of me to say that DH does not support in other ways -- he is doing all the childcare during the week when I'm working. But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.
Did you seasoned Unschoolers have peaceful, joyful marriages before you started Unschooling?
Thank you, again, for such an inspiring discussion!
Best,
Ceci
catfish_friend
On Apr 21, 2011, at 8:15 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
A much needed paradigm shift. I feel like I have bad habits in my head that revolve around competition and scarcity. As much as I read here and on your (Sandra's) and Joyce's websites, I seem to slide right back into schoolish ways...
How long does it take to really break that bad habit?
Ceci
> I think you have a "there will be losers" situation, rather than a teamwork "We will love each other" common goal.@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A much needed paradigm shift. I feel like I have bad habits in my head that revolve around competition and scarcity. As much as I read here and on your (Sandra's) and Joyce's websites, I seem to slide right back into schoolish ways...
How long does it take to really break that bad habit?
Ceci
wtexans
===As much as I read here and on your (Sandra's) and Joyce's websites, I seem to slide right back into schoolish ways. How long does it take to really break that bad habit?===
Even if you read a lot, that's not the same as making the best choice each and every time you have an opportunity to make a choice.
When I was new to unschooling, it took A LOT of conscious effort to stop and make the better choice, whereas nowadays it's generally second nature. But there's been a lot of years between "new to unschooling" and "nowadays".
What I did initially was pick one or two unschooling ideas and focus specifically on those for a period of time. I remember reminding myself *frequently* throughout the day and evening, "say yes or some form of yes" and "why not?" (when my son wanted to do something and my knee-jerk answer was about to be "no"). Those times when I immediately defaulted to "no" or "in a minute", I would stop myself and say aloud to my son and myself, "oh, you know what, forget that! sure we can do ___ / sure I can come play Pokemon with you right now".
I vividly remember there being a point several years into unschooling when I realized that so many of the things that had taken conscious effort in the beginning, had become second nature for me at some point along the way.
So my answer would be, be conscious of what you're saying and doing. Be more aware of your thoughts. If you act or react in a knee-jerk way that doesn't help relationships with your family, apologize to them and make a different, better choice in that moment.
I found it pretty easy to make the paradigm shift in my interactions with my son, but it was much harder to make that shift in my interactions with my husband. And that's still an ongoing change in our relationship, although it does come more naturally now -- but it's still not as seamless as it is for me in my interactions with my son.
When I'm tired or hungry or don't feel well, I have to be more thoughtful about how I talk to my husband and how I think about him, because it's easy for me to slip into a negative place and to focus on the things he didn't do that I wish he had or the things he did that annoyed me.
One of the best things I've done for our marriage is to be more quiet when I'm tired/hungry/not feeling well. In those instances, I'm more prone to feel like snarking at my husband, or commenting on something he did / didn't do, or otherwise saying something that would be hurtful to him.
What goes along with that, for me, is to remind myself of the things he *does* do. And also to remind myself that "it's not all about ME!!". If the trash is full and he doesn't take it out when he heads outside, him not taking it has nothing whatsoever to do with me, in spite of what my tired/hungry/cranky brain may want to think in that moment ;-).
When you're feeling competitive with your husband, be aware of what you're thinking and be aware of how easy it could be, in that moment, to snark at him. Then make the choice to not snark at him. And make the choice to think nice thoughts about him, to think about the nice things he does for you and your daughters. Be the one to make the better choice in that moment, to not say or do something that contributes to the competitiveness.
Glenda
Even if you read a lot, that's not the same as making the best choice each and every time you have an opportunity to make a choice.
When I was new to unschooling, it took A LOT of conscious effort to stop and make the better choice, whereas nowadays it's generally second nature. But there's been a lot of years between "new to unschooling" and "nowadays".
What I did initially was pick one or two unschooling ideas and focus specifically on those for a period of time. I remember reminding myself *frequently* throughout the day and evening, "say yes or some form of yes" and "why not?" (when my son wanted to do something and my knee-jerk answer was about to be "no"). Those times when I immediately defaulted to "no" or "in a minute", I would stop myself and say aloud to my son and myself, "oh, you know what, forget that! sure we can do ___ / sure I can come play Pokemon with you right now".
I vividly remember there being a point several years into unschooling when I realized that so many of the things that had taken conscious effort in the beginning, had become second nature for me at some point along the way.
So my answer would be, be conscious of what you're saying and doing. Be more aware of your thoughts. If you act or react in a knee-jerk way that doesn't help relationships with your family, apologize to them and make a different, better choice in that moment.
I found it pretty easy to make the paradigm shift in my interactions with my son, but it was much harder to make that shift in my interactions with my husband. And that's still an ongoing change in our relationship, although it does come more naturally now -- but it's still not as seamless as it is for me in my interactions with my son.
When I'm tired or hungry or don't feel well, I have to be more thoughtful about how I talk to my husband and how I think about him, because it's easy for me to slip into a negative place and to focus on the things he didn't do that I wish he had or the things he did that annoyed me.
One of the best things I've done for our marriage is to be more quiet when I'm tired/hungry/not feeling well. In those instances, I'm more prone to feel like snarking at my husband, or commenting on something he did / didn't do, or otherwise saying something that would be hurtful to him.
What goes along with that, for me, is to remind myself of the things he *does* do. And also to remind myself that "it's not all about ME!!". If the trash is full and he doesn't take it out when he heads outside, him not taking it has nothing whatsoever to do with me, in spite of what my tired/hungry/cranky brain may want to think in that moment ;-).
When you're feeling competitive with your husband, be aware of what you're thinking and be aware of how easy it could be, in that moment, to snark at him. Then make the choice to not snark at him. And make the choice to think nice thoughts about him, to think about the nice things he does for you and your daughters. Be the one to make the better choice in that moment, to not say or do something that contributes to the competitiveness.
Glenda
Schuyler
It helps a lot if you look at what he is giving as a gift. Look at what he does
do, look at how he expresses love, don't look for what you think love looks
like, look at what he offers in loving ways. David takes care of things, the
cars, the mould in the house, the income, creating new and fabulous food, those
are his acts of love. He doesn't compliment me or buy me gifts or leave me
little love notes. I don't think in any way that means he isn't a caregiver, or
my partner, or emotionally supportive. It does mean, though, that if I defined
love as gifts and compliments and love notes that David wouldn't love me under
those terms. So, I don't define love that way. Changing that perspective really
helped me to see exactly how much he does love me.
There is a book and a webpage about the languages of love:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/. I've
not read the book, but have a glancing familiarity with the ideas. David is
definitely an Acts of Service speaker whereas I'm a words of affirmation person.
Recognising the language that he is speaking let me see the hugely generous way
in which he does care for me.
Oh, and unschooling definitely made a huge difference to how I am in my
relationship with David, as well as with other people.
Schuyler.
________________________________
From: catfish_friend <catfish_friend@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, 22 April, 2011 10:08:38
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Decision time
do, look at how he expresses love, don't look for what you think love looks
like, look at what he offers in loving ways. David takes care of things, the
cars, the mould in the house, the income, creating new and fabulous food, those
are his acts of love. He doesn't compliment me or buy me gifts or leave me
little love notes. I don't think in any way that means he isn't a caregiver, or
my partner, or emotionally supportive. It does mean, though, that if I defined
love as gifts and compliments and love notes that David wouldn't love me under
those terms. So, I don't define love that way. Changing that perspective really
helped me to see exactly how much he does love me.
There is a book and a webpage about the languages of love:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/. I've
not read the book, but have a glancing familiarity with the ideas. David is
definitely an Acts of Service speaker whereas I'm a words of affirmation person.
Recognising the language that he is speaking let me see the hugely generous way
in which he does care for me.
Oh, and unschooling definitely made a huge difference to how I am in my
relationship with David, as well as with other people.
Schuyler.
________________________________
From: catfish_friend <catfish_friend@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, 22 April, 2011 10:08:38
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Decision time
On Apr 21, 2011, at 8:15 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
> Inside every man is a little boy. It's likely that his fears have to do with
>internal messages he has had in his life. Without supporting and soothing him
>and his fears, how will things change?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am aware of this. Yet, there are times I feel resentment because sometimes I
want to be the one who gets supported and soothed by DH. And it seems I don't
get that support nearly as much as I'd like to. I had a conversation with a
girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not
just as mothers to our children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly --
it gets frustrating to give and give when it seems that not much is returned
when it comes our own needs of our partners. It would be unfair of me to say
that DH does not support in other ways -- he is doing all the childcare during
the week when I'm working. But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I
feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.
Did you seasoned Unschoolers have peaceful, joyful marriages before you started
Unschooling?
Thank you, again, for such an inspiring discussion!
Best,
Ceci
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- As much as I read here and on your (Sandra's) and Joyce's websites, I seem to slide right back into schoolish ways...
-=-How long does it take to really break that bad habit?-=-
Forever.
If you think of it in negative terms ("bad" and not just "break" but "really break"), you will just sit in that negativity, frustrated, forever. You will feel there had to be a winner (you) or a loser (you) and you will be angry with yourself.
The change you need is to live a different way. Step out of the grumpy dark into the calm decision-making choose-joy light.
Stop thinking about your own comfort for a while. If you become successful at attending to other people's comfort, their comfort will overflow all around you, and you will feel your success and that will be some of YOUR new comfort.
Stop thinking you know what they need and what you need. Try a new angle, a different trajectory.
I think you should play Angry Birds. While you're playing, think about the huge difference made by a slightly different angle. Put your desire to control into that for a few days, therapeutically. While you're playing, think about what you can control, and why you would want to. If you want to schedule and control and optimize and perfect, maybe clean out your spice rack, or pack away your winter clothes, or plant some flowers, all the while thinking about how much you love your family, and how beneficial real changes will be.
Leave the old habit to wither. Don't try to break it. Move to making better choices so that what you used to do and used to think will be left in the "choices I don't consider anymore" category.
The links below might help, but reading them isn't what helps. You can't read yourself to a new way of being. Being has to do with BEing, not READing.
Decision time isn't about what you will do next year or for the rest of your child's life. Decision time is about what you will do in the next five seconds. I recommend getting up and doing something sweet for another person, wordlessly and gently. Never send the bill; make it a gift you forget all about. Do that again later in the day. Don't tell us, don't tell them, just do it.
Then maybe come back and read here and follow links. Maybe not all at once. :-)
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2010/10/choosing-more-peace.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2010/11/choosing-to-make-choices.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-to-be-better-parent.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/03/find-best.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/04/consider-your-legacy.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/03/peace-is-all-about-choices.html
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-How long does it take to really break that bad habit?-=-
Forever.
If you think of it in negative terms ("bad" and not just "break" but "really break"), you will just sit in that negativity, frustrated, forever. You will feel there had to be a winner (you) or a loser (you) and you will be angry with yourself.
The change you need is to live a different way. Step out of the grumpy dark into the calm decision-making choose-joy light.
Stop thinking about your own comfort for a while. If you become successful at attending to other people's comfort, their comfort will overflow all around you, and you will feel your success and that will be some of YOUR new comfort.
Stop thinking you know what they need and what you need. Try a new angle, a different trajectory.
I think you should play Angry Birds. While you're playing, think about the huge difference made by a slightly different angle. Put your desire to control into that for a few days, therapeutically. While you're playing, think about what you can control, and why you would want to. If you want to schedule and control and optimize and perfect, maybe clean out your spice rack, or pack away your winter clothes, or plant some flowers, all the while thinking about how much you love your family, and how beneficial real changes will be.
Leave the old habit to wither. Don't try to break it. Move to making better choices so that what you used to do and used to think will be left in the "choices I don't consider anymore" category.
The links below might help, but reading them isn't what helps. You can't read yourself to a new way of being. Being has to do with BEing, not READing.
Decision time isn't about what you will do next year or for the rest of your child's life. Decision time is about what you will do in the next five seconds. I recommend getting up and doing something sweet for another person, wordlessly and gently. Never send the bill; make it a gift you forget all about. Do that again later in the day. Don't tell us, don't tell them, just do it.
Then maybe come back and read here and follow links. Maybe not all at once. :-)
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2010/10/choosing-more-peace.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2010/11/choosing-to-make-choices.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-to-be-better-parent.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/03/find-best.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/04/consider-your-legacy.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/03/peace-is-all-about-choices.html
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
________________________________
I had a conversation with a
girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not
just as mothers to our children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly --
it gets frustrating to give and give when it seems that not much is returned
when it comes our own needs of our partners.
=====================================
I think divorce is contagious, to some extent. I think it is easy to feel worse
about your life when you sit around with other people exploring the negatives.
The less I talk to other people about the things that are bad and grim and sad
and upsetting, the less I think about those things period. It does cut down on a
lot of girlfriend kinds of chat, but it certainly has made my marriage and my
parenting happier.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I had a conversation with a
girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not
just as mothers to our children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly --
it gets frustrating to give and give when it seems that not much is returned
when it comes our own needs of our partners.
=====================================
I think divorce is contagious, to some extent. I think it is easy to feel worse
about your life when you sit around with other people exploring the negatives.
The less I talk to other people about the things that are bad and grim and sad
and upsetting, the less I think about those things period. It does cut down on a
lot of girlfriend kinds of chat, but it certainly has made my marriage and my
parenting happier.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I am aware of this. Yet, -=-
"Yeah, but..."
-=-I am aware of this. Yet, there are times I feel resentment -=-
Your posts are filled with resentment and negativity.
-=-sometimes I want to be the one who gets supported and soothed by DH. And it seems I don't get that support nearly as much as I'd like to.-=-
If you keep playing freeze-out, neither of you will get support or soothing.
If you're not willing to give more than 50% (if you don't aim for giving all), you won't get anything back.
-=-I had a conversation with a girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not just as mothers to our children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly -- it gets frustrating to give and give -=-
It doesn't sound like you're giving and giving. It sounds, from what you've written, that you're resenting and resenting, and counting and measuring.
-=-. It would be unfair of me to say that DH does not support in other ways -- he is doing all the childcare during the week when I'm working. But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.-=-
"What DH feeds me emotionally" sounds awful. It's a bad way to think of it, that you are hungry and it's his job to "feed you emotionally."
-=-I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.-=-
You're exhaling and not inhaling. You're pouring out frustration and negativity.
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"Yeah, but..."
-=-I am aware of this. Yet, there are times I feel resentment -=-
Your posts are filled with resentment and negativity.
-=-sometimes I want to be the one who gets supported and soothed by DH. And it seems I don't get that support nearly as much as I'd like to.-=-
If you keep playing freeze-out, neither of you will get support or soothing.
If you're not willing to give more than 50% (if you don't aim for giving all), you won't get anything back.
-=-I had a conversation with a girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not just as mothers to our children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly -- it gets frustrating to give and give -=-
It doesn't sound like you're giving and giving. It sounds, from what you've written, that you're resenting and resenting, and counting and measuring.
-=-. It would be unfair of me to say that DH does not support in other ways -- he is doing all the childcare during the week when I'm working. But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.-=-
"What DH feeds me emotionally" sounds awful. It's a bad way to think of it, that you are hungry and it's his job to "feed you emotionally."
-=-I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.-=-
You're exhaling and not inhaling. You're pouring out frustration and negativity.
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wtexans
===Did you seasoned Unschoolers have peaceful, joyful marriages before you started Unschooling?===
"Before" is not nearly as important as today, as right now.
===I had a conversation with a girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not just as mothers to our children, but to everyone.===
"Our lot in life" is such a negative viewpoint.
What's wrong with being a caregiver to your family, someone who gives care? I don't mind giving care to my husband or my son or my stepson. Or, for that matter, my parents and stepparents, my nieces and nephews, and my brothers and sisters-in-law.
I feel fortunate to have people in my life for whom I care and who care for me. We each express that care for each other in different ways, because we each have different strengths.
If you have the expectation that your husband will express his care for you in "x" way, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
How would you feel if your husband and one of his friends had a discussion about how it's husbands' lot in life to be married to women who don't appreciate what their husbands do? Wouldn't that feel disrespectful of you? Sometimes it helps, before joining in on a bitch session about husbands, to think about how you'd feel if it was your husband joining in a similar conversation about wives with his friends.
===But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.===
Perhaps your husband is feeling the same way.
When you give of yourself lovingly, because you want to not because you feel you "should", when you're not keeping track of who's done what for who (whom?) lately, that running-on-empty-emotionally feeling will begin to go away.
Glenda
"Before" is not nearly as important as today, as right now.
===I had a conversation with a girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not just as mothers to our children, but to everyone.===
"Our lot in life" is such a negative viewpoint.
What's wrong with being a caregiver to your family, someone who gives care? I don't mind giving care to my husband or my son or my stepson. Or, for that matter, my parents and stepparents, my nieces and nephews, and my brothers and sisters-in-law.
I feel fortunate to have people in my life for whom I care and who care for me. We each express that care for each other in different ways, because we each have different strengths.
If you have the expectation that your husband will express his care for you in "x" way, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
How would you feel if your husband and one of his friends had a discussion about how it's husbands' lot in life to be married to women who don't appreciate what their husbands do? Wouldn't that feel disrespectful of you? Sometimes it helps, before joining in on a bitch session about husbands, to think about how you'd feel if it was your husband joining in a similar conversation about wives with his friends.
===But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.===
Perhaps your husband is feeling the same way.
When you give of yourself lovingly, because you want to not because you feel you "should", when you're not keeping track of who's done what for who (whom?) lately, that running-on-empty-emotionally feeling will begin to go away.
Glenda
plaidpanties666
catfish_friend <catfish_friend@...> wrote:
A lot of social issues play into that, one of which is the expectations that our partners *should* be the ones to fill up our needs on an emotional level, when many men aren't really able to do that (through socialization and/or nature). So we're set up to expect something we can't get. Shifting your expectations and your perceptions can help. What can you do to get your own needs met better and sooner, so you're not running on empty?
Shift your perception to see giving labor and time as an act of love in and of itself. It feels like an act of love to many people! Maybe he's expressing his love and support for you in ways that don't "read" as lovey and supportive to you, but you can change what you expect to see. A man choosing to step out of role and do childcare is expressing love in a big, big way - its getting more acceptable but its still a little outre to be a stay at home dad. Your husband is fighting against his upbringing and a lot of cultural messages about masculinity every day - that's big. That's a Lot of love.
Also keep in mind that we're giving advice about what You can do because you're the one writing in. It won't help you to have a litany of "he shoulds" in your mind. He's doing the best he can - so what can You do to help his best be better? Most of what you can do is change your own behavior to support him. That doesn't mean you should never say "it would help me if you could do x" - but you'll get more milage out of requests like that if you've set yourself up as someone who can be counted on to be supportive. Just like with kids, where requests are more likely to be acted on when *they've* felt supported, but asking allll the time tends to bring a degree of shutdown.
---Meredith
>I had a conversation with a girlfriend who suggested that it's our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not just as mothers to our children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly -- it gets frustrating to give and give when it seems that not much is returned when it comes our own needs of our partners.*****************
A lot of social issues play into that, one of which is the expectations that our partners *should* be the ones to fill up our needs on an emotional level, when many men aren't really able to do that (through socialization and/or nature). So we're set up to expect something we can't get. Shifting your expectations and your perceptions can help. What can you do to get your own needs met better and sooner, so you're not running on empty?
>>It would be unfair of me to say that DH does not support in other ways -- he is doing all the childcare during the week when I'm working. But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.********************
Shift your perception to see giving labor and time as an act of love in and of itself. It feels like an act of love to many people! Maybe he's expressing his love and support for you in ways that don't "read" as lovey and supportive to you, but you can change what you expect to see. A man choosing to step out of role and do childcare is expressing love in a big, big way - its getting more acceptable but its still a little outre to be a stay at home dad. Your husband is fighting against his upbringing and a lot of cultural messages about masculinity every day - that's big. That's a Lot of love.
Also keep in mind that we're giving advice about what You can do because you're the one writing in. It won't help you to have a litany of "he shoulds" in your mind. He's doing the best he can - so what can You do to help his best be better? Most of what you can do is change your own behavior to support him. That doesn't mean you should never say "it would help me if you could do x" - but you'll get more milage out of requests like that if you've set yourself up as someone who can be counted on to be supportive. Just like with kids, where requests are more likely to be acted on when *they've* felt supported, but asking allll the time tends to bring a degree of shutdown.
---Meredith
chris ester
On Fri, Apr 22, 2011 at 5:08 AM, catfish_friend <catfish_friend@...>wrote:
be exhausting and lonely work. Maybe he has doubts about his ability to be
the caregiver, maybe doubts that you have nurtured because he doesn't do
things the way that you would. Never mind that people are different from
one another and so each person will do things differently, not just because
he is male and you're female.
A friend of mine once complained about how her husband cleaned the
bathroom. My response was that I would be grateful that he cleaned it. She
agreed and stopped re-doing the work that he did and thanked him instead.
He then started doing a better job at cleaning in general. One day she was
really impressed with how he cleaned something and said as much, he
responded that when he realized that she wasn't going to re-do his work then
he would have to do a good job. This is a true story!!
Is your husband the person doing the at home work or is he "filling in" for
you? It seems that you may need to look at the way he does things with a
different perspective and with gratitude in your heart.
My husband taught me to value all roles in the family and how each person
fills those roles. We are each fulfilling a vital role in the family.
Circumstances dictated who filled which role, I hated my job and he liked
his and quickly reached a point where he was making far more money than I
ever would as a social worker. We both try to remember to thank each other
for what we do. Also, we both know where we fall short and so we avoid
criticism. If we have a need, we state it honestly and with an "I"
statement. Also, we understand that we are each responsible for our own
happiness.
you do not like what is happening, how is your behavior contributing to your
unhappiness?
him? When you talk, is it to him or at him? Do you talk with each other at
all?
and that leads to getting angry and putting a lot of negative context into
every exchange between the two of you. For example seeing the burned toast
as an intentional insult.
Chris
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I wonder if he feels under-appreciated? Being the stay at home parent can
>
> On Apr 21, 2011, at 8:15 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> >>>>>>>sometimes I want to be the one who gets supported and soothed by DH.
> And it seems I don't get that support nearly as much as I'd like
> to.<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>
be exhausting and lonely work. Maybe he has doubts about his ability to be
the caregiver, maybe doubts that you have nurtured because he doesn't do
things the way that you would. Never mind that people are different from
one another and so each person will do things differently, not just because
he is male and you're female.
A friend of mine once complained about how her husband cleaned the
bathroom. My response was that I would be grateful that he cleaned it. She
agreed and stopped re-doing the work that he did and thanked him instead.
He then started doing a better job at cleaning in general. One day she was
really impressed with how he cleaned something and said as much, he
responded that when he realized that she wasn't going to re-do his work then
he would have to do a good job. This is a true story!!
Is your husband the person doing the at home work or is he "filling in" for
you? It seems that you may need to look at the way he does things with a
different perspective and with gratitude in your heart.
My husband taught me to value all roles in the family and how each person
fills those roles. We are each fulfilling a vital role in the family.
Circumstances dictated who filled which role, I hated my job and he liked
his and quickly reached a point where he was making far more money than I
ever would as a social worker. We both try to remember to thank each other
for what we do. Also, we both know where we fall short and so we avoid
criticism. If we have a need, we state it honestly and with an "I"
statement. Also, we understand that we are each responsible for our own
happiness.
> >>>>>>>>>>>I had a conversation with a girlfriend who suggested that it'sThis is a really old whine. We are only abused by our own permission. If
> our lot as women to be the caregivers -- not just as mothers to our
> children, but to everyone. She and I felt similarly -- it gets frustrating
> to give and give when it seems that not much is returned when it comes our
> own needs of our partners.<<<<<<<<<<
>
you do not like what is happening, how is your behavior contributing to your
unhappiness?
>>>>>>>>>>>>It would be unfair of me to say that DH does not support inIs your husband tired and feeling under "fed" emotionally? Do you listen to
> other ways -- he is doing all the childcare during the week when I'm
> working. But in terms of what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much
> like I'm running on empty.<<<<<<<<<<<
>
him? When you talk, is it to him or at him? Do you talk with each other at
all?
>time to talk to our spouse, then get resentful that they aren't listening
> Many times when we are stressed and busy we either don't have or make the
and that leads to getting angry and putting a lot of negative context into
every exchange between the two of you. For example seeing the burned toast
as an intentional insult.
Chris
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***It would be unfair of me to say that DH does not support in other ways -- he
is doing all the childcare during the week when I'm working. But in terms of
what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.***
It is a common misconception when a woman feels that a husband isn't feeding her
emotionally. Very often, the husband feels like he is doing that, but the woman
doesn't feel it. It is partly the difference between men and women and partly a
difference in personality in how each person gives and receives emotional care
and what that looks like.
This goes a bit outside of the confines of unschooling, but if each person
within the marriage can figure out how to feed their own emotional health, fill
themselves up to the spilling point, they can give more fully to the other
partner and not take from the other partner to fill themselves up.
It helps me enormously if I don't see it as a give and take, but a filling
myself up and giving more. It doesn't mean that each person can't have moments
of feeling less full and relying on their partner to help.
***Did you seasoned Unschoolers have peaceful, joyful marriages before you
started Unschooling?***
A big thing that happened while unschooling, was changing my perspective on how
to help others. If you meet a child where they are at, then you can do that for
your partner too. Unschooling changed how I expected things of others, mostly
my children, but the idea extended itself to other relationships. If I don't
expect my child to read when they aren't yet able, should I expect my husband to
meet my emotional needs if he is unable, or unaware of them, or emotionally not
at his own optimal health? If a child is doing the best that he or she is able
to do and thriving and learning all the time within a happy environment, then it
helps to assume that my partner is too. So, work to create that happy
environment in which your family will thrive.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
is doing all the childcare during the week when I'm working. But in terms of
what DH feeds me emotionally -- I feel pretty much like I'm running on empty.***
It is a common misconception when a woman feels that a husband isn't feeding her
emotionally. Very often, the husband feels like he is doing that, but the woman
doesn't feel it. It is partly the difference between men and women and partly a
difference in personality in how each person gives and receives emotional care
and what that looks like.
This goes a bit outside of the confines of unschooling, but if each person
within the marriage can figure out how to feed their own emotional health, fill
themselves up to the spilling point, they can give more fully to the other
partner and not take from the other partner to fill themselves up.
It helps me enormously if I don't see it as a give and take, but a filling
myself up and giving more. It doesn't mean that each person can't have moments
of feeling less full and relying on their partner to help.
***Did you seasoned Unschoolers have peaceful, joyful marriages before you
started Unschooling?***
A big thing that happened while unschooling, was changing my perspective on how
to help others. If you meet a child where they are at, then you can do that for
your partner too. Unschooling changed how I expected things of others, mostly
my children, but the idea extended itself to other relationships. If I don't
expect my child to read when they aren't yet able, should I expect my husband to
meet my emotional needs if he is unable, or unaware of them, or emotionally not
at his own optimal health? If a child is doing the best that he or she is able
to do and thriving and learning all the time within a happy environment, then it
helps to assume that my partner is too. So, work to create that happy
environment in which your family will thrive.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
HA
Personally, I think men want to feel like heroes to their families, and that you'll have a much harder time fixing problems if that element is missing. The question is - how can you help your husband feel that way, and how can you request changes in a way that help him feel like he's adding something wonderful vs. making up for things he's done wrong?
I'm not saying it HAS to be done that way, or that he deserves to feel better before you do, but it's a much happier experience for everyone.
I'm not an expert, but that has been my experience. Two books that have some good insight (though I would read through them both first before trying out any advice) are: Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
Hilary
I'm not saying it HAS to be done that way, or that he deserves to feel better before you do, but it's a much happier experience for everyone.
I'm not an expert, but that has been my experience. Two books that have some good insight (though I would read through them both first before trying out any advice) are: Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
Hilary