living children in their teen years
Sandra Dodd
On a state list in a state quite south of where I am today (I'm in New Jersey) and a ways east of where I live (I live in New Mexico), someone badmouthed teens. Someone else responded with a defense and some discussion and examples. I wasn't involved in that part, because I've been really busy and behind on e-mail.
I want to put these out, though, for anyone who was aware of or involved in that:
http://sandradodd.com/attitude
http://sandradodd.com/notfunny
And one more thing. Somewhere in the U.S., not quite exactly that part of the country but closeish (compared to New Mexico, anyway), a mother shot and killed her two teens a couple of weeks ago, because they talked back to her too much. This is a comment from someone who knew the mom:
"She complained about her kids, especially Calyx, but not any more than any other mother does."
(quoting the family friend of a mom who shot her two teens for talking back to her, large print, page 74, February 14, 2011 People magazine)
If they thought all mothers complained that badly about their teens, and if one of those mothers shot hers dead, I think every other mother should STOP speaking so horribly about her teens. And I'm glad to be among a great number of mothers who have found that it's possible to create and maintain an environment in which their teens don't need to be complained about.
Sandra
I want to put these out, though, for anyone who was aware of or involved in that:
http://sandradodd.com/attitude
http://sandradodd.com/notfunny
And one more thing. Somewhere in the U.S., not quite exactly that part of the country but closeish (compared to New Mexico, anyway), a mother shot and killed her two teens a couple of weeks ago, because they talked back to her too much. This is a comment from someone who knew the mom:
"She complained about her kids, especially Calyx, but not any more than any other mother does."
(quoting the family friend of a mom who shot her two teens for talking back to her, large print, page 74, February 14, 2011 People magazine)
If they thought all mothers complained that badly about their teens, and if one of those mothers shot hers dead, I think every other mother should STOP speaking so horribly about her teens. And I'm glad to be among a great number of mothers who have found that it's possible to create and maintain an environment in which their teens don't need to be complained about.
Sandra
Sylvia
This is an issue I've been struggling with recently. Even among my friends, I'm lately hearing more complaints and stereotypes about teenagers. That they're bad drivers, or moody, or don't stick to things they don't enjoy.
I find myself biting my tongue a lot, because these ideas are so deeply ingrained in our culture, and in these particular people, that I don't have any reason to believe my words would persuade anyone to a different perspective. It just seems not worth the energy and words expended to explain my position. And if that's really how others feel about their kids and mine, I find myself feeling unsafe expressing how I feel. I don't want to offer stories from our life, only to have them picked apart and argued, so I say nothing. All while making note of which conversation topics are no longer safe for me.
I do speak up and disagree when our kids are nearby, if only to validate for the kids something they may be thinking, or offer a perspective they don't often (if ever) hear. Probably, in a few weeks when I'm feeling more assertive (February is typically a survival mode time for me) I'll begin to speak up and not care who feels a need to argue with me.
The story about the Mom who killed her teens for being mouthy is just awful. It's scary to think that other people are saying she didn't complain about her kids any more than others Moms they know.
Sylvia
I find myself biting my tongue a lot, because these ideas are so deeply ingrained in our culture, and in these particular people, that I don't have any reason to believe my words would persuade anyone to a different perspective. It just seems not worth the energy and words expended to explain my position. And if that's really how others feel about their kids and mine, I find myself feeling unsafe expressing how I feel. I don't want to offer stories from our life, only to have them picked apart and argued, so I say nothing. All while making note of which conversation topics are no longer safe for me.
I do speak up and disagree when our kids are nearby, if only to validate for the kids something they may be thinking, or offer a perspective they don't often (if ever) hear. Probably, in a few weeks when I'm feeling more assertive (February is typically a survival mode time for me) I'll begin to speak up and not care who feels a need to argue with me.
The story about the Mom who killed her teens for being mouthy is just awful. It's scary to think that other people are saying she didn't complain about her kids any more than others Moms they know.
Sylvia
Jenny Cyphers
***I don't want to offer stories from our life, only to have them picked apart
and argued, so I say nothing.***
***in a few weeks when I'm feeling more assertive (February is typically a
survival mode time for me) I'll begin to speak up and not care who feels a need
to argue with me.***
***The story about the Mom who killed her teens for being mouthy is just awful.
It's scary to think that other people are saying she didn't complain about her
kids any more than others Moms they know.***
I always speak up! Sometimes I think I should keep my mouth shut. When I think
I've said too much.... later I feel like I'm glad I said something because
something needed to be said. I've lost friends over it. It's not like I don't
care about the adult, it's that I care more about the child who can't escape the
injury.
When I hear stories of teens being injured by their parents, I'm doubly glad I
said something, even if it wasn't to that person, it went into someone's head.
It's simple... be nice to your kids. Don't do or say things you shouldn't say
or do. Make your child's life so wonderful and happy that your kids will never
run from you. When those teens become adults, you get to continue having them
around and in your life. I know plenty of people who moved far away and never
or rarely talk to their parents after they became an adult.
Don't do or say things that are mean or cruel and if you do, apologize and do
NOT do it again. There are so many things parents can do to make their
children's life miserable by not proactively making it wonderful.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and argued, so I say nothing.***
***in a few weeks when I'm feeling more assertive (February is typically a
survival mode time for me) I'll begin to speak up and not care who feels a need
to argue with me.***
***The story about the Mom who killed her teens for being mouthy is just awful.
It's scary to think that other people are saying she didn't complain about her
kids any more than others Moms they know.***
I always speak up! Sometimes I think I should keep my mouth shut. When I think
I've said too much.... later I feel like I'm glad I said something because
something needed to be said. I've lost friends over it. It's not like I don't
care about the adult, it's that I care more about the child who can't escape the
injury.
When I hear stories of teens being injured by their parents, I'm doubly glad I
said something, even if it wasn't to that person, it went into someone's head.
It's simple... be nice to your kids. Don't do or say things you shouldn't say
or do. Make your child's life so wonderful and happy that your kids will never
run from you. When those teens become adults, you get to continue having them
around and in your life. I know plenty of people who moved far away and never
or rarely talk to their parents after they became an adult.
Don't do or say things that are mean or cruel and if you do, apologize and do
NOT do it again. There are so many things parents can do to make their
children's life miserable by not proactively making it wonderful.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sylvia
Jenny, you're right. I will try to speak up more often. I don't expect it will lose me any friends, since only one of my close friends does this, and she'd not dump us for a simple disagreement. Goodness knows she and I disagree about enough other things and still manage to remain good friends. Acquaintance level folks, if I manage to offend and scare them off, no big, since likely my kids don't know their kids very well anyway.
Even if only to have the kids around me hear how I feel about them and how I would like to see them treated, that will be enough.
Sylvia
Even if only to have the kids around me hear how I feel about them and how I would like to see them treated, that will be enough.
Sylvia
Jay Ford
Years ago on one of these lists I read a poem about a mom showing her teen son
she was boss by taking away his things, making him buy used clothes at Goodwill,
because the son said something about calling CPS on her because she was a mean
mom. I think it was making internet rounds at the time and parents were
applauding.
Someone here made a rebuttal poem which was awesome.
My kids are now teens (well 16 & 12) and fabulous people. It has been a joy to
watch them grow. Sometimes I wish I had saved that second poem.
Jon
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
she was boss by taking away his things, making him buy used clothes at Goodwill,
because the son said something about calling CPS on her because she was a mean
mom. I think it was making internet rounds at the time and parents were
applauding.
Someone here made a rebuttal poem which was awesome.
My kids are now teens (well 16 & 12) and fabulous people. It has been a joy to
watch them grow. Sometimes I wish I had saved that second poem.
Jon
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
***Years ago on one of these lists I read a poem about a mom showing her teen son
she was boss by taking away his things,...***
That poem was sometimes called, "Don't Mess With Mom" and sometimes called, "Children's Bill of Rights" when it went around the internet. I don't recommend anyone read it. It's awful.
***Someone here made a rebuttal poem which was awesome.***
Pam G. posted to this list when it showed up on some other list she was on. She posted a reply. I think that's the poem you're thinking of.
You can find it at message number 12721 and the subject line is, Re: homeschooling group question.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
she was boss by taking away his things,...***
That poem was sometimes called, "Don't Mess With Mom" and sometimes called, "Children's Bill of Rights" when it went around the internet. I don't recommend anyone read it. It's awful.
***Someone here made a rebuttal poem which was awesome.***
Pam G. posted to this list when it showed up on some other list she was on. She posted a reply. I think that's the poem you're thinking of.
You can find it at message number 12721 and the subject line is, Re: homeschooling group question.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]