Making requested Food Which is then Rejected
Amy
I've been reading on this list and a few others for a while and haven't found this specific question, and I need help from seasoned unschoolers. My dd5yo often asks for a specific food item to be made for her, and then when it is placed before her she says she doesn't want it, and wants something else. This has been very frustrating for me and I really need some experienced advice about what to do in this situation. In the past, I have made her eat the first thing she requested, explaining that to ask someone to make something for you and then refuse to eat it is rude and doesn't show respect for the person who is making the food. Tonight she did this again and I took the original food away and gave her the item she requested instead. These are not unusual foods. I'm talking about macaroni and cheese, yogurt, etc. Things she's very familiar with and knows how they taste.
It feels right not to force her to eat food that she doesn't want to eat, but what about the wasted food and the respect for other people's time? She doesn't only do this with me, but also with her dad, gma and auntie.
Could someone please help me see this in an unschooly way? I'm at a loss.
It feels right not to force her to eat food that she doesn't want to eat, but what about the wasted food and the respect for other people's time? She doesn't only do this with me, but also with her dad, gma and auntie.
Could someone please help me see this in an unschooly way? I'm at a loss.
wtexans
===Tonight she did this again and I took the original food away and gave her the item she requested instead.===
Did she eat the second thing?
===what about the wasted food and the respect for other people's time===
There are times (as recent as last week, in fact) when I've asked for a specific food and end up not eating it because the smell rubs me the wrong way, or I'll take one bite and the texture or taste will trigger my gag reflex. It happens with foods that I love, and I don't know what that's all about. (Not pregnant [g]!!)
Sometimes I'll make a requested food for my kiddo and it'll not appeal to him once it's made. And some of those times I'll be cranky about the fact he asked for it, I made it, then he didn't want it -- it helps for me to remember that I do the same thing!
Make smaller amounts of what she asks for. You can always make more if she eats what you've made and would like more.
Instead of making just the requested item, perhaps make or include another item or two that she likes, so there's some variety from which she can choose. You could present it as, "I included a couple other things that your taste buds might like; eat what you want and it's okay to leave what you don't want."
When she's going to be at someone else's house, you could prepare or gather up several things to be offered to her. Get her input on what she'd like to take. I'm one of those aunts who doesn't mind doing "special order" meals for my nieces and nephews when they're over -- their parents would get annoyed with them if the parents knew their kids were special-requesting foods (and, yes, I've made stuff before only to have the requester ask for something else instead; it didn't happen often though), but I'm fine with it. Are the other people you mentioned annoyed by your daughter's behavior, or is it that you're concerned they might be?
If you're newish to unschooling, your daughter may be experimenting to see if you really will consistently let her eat what she wants. If that's the case, she may continue doing this for a bit longer, but if you're consistent about allowing her to eat what she wants then I bet the behavior will stop.
I generally don't think of food as "being wasted." Instead, I view it as food is plentiful enough in our household that we can afford to have a variety of foods from which we can choose, and there's enough that we can fill our stomachs and not be hungry. Anything that's good as leftovers usually gets eaten by my hubby or me as leftovers. What can be composted, gets composted. What can't (not much, actually), goes into the garbage. I would rather things be that way than to not be able to offer my son a variety from which to choose, or have enough to fill his belly. A positive perspective rather than the "wasted food" negative perspective I grew up with!!
Glenda
Did she eat the second thing?
===what about the wasted food and the respect for other people's time===
There are times (as recent as last week, in fact) when I've asked for a specific food and end up not eating it because the smell rubs me the wrong way, or I'll take one bite and the texture or taste will trigger my gag reflex. It happens with foods that I love, and I don't know what that's all about. (Not pregnant [g]!!)
Sometimes I'll make a requested food for my kiddo and it'll not appeal to him once it's made. And some of those times I'll be cranky about the fact he asked for it, I made it, then he didn't want it -- it helps for me to remember that I do the same thing!
Make smaller amounts of what she asks for. You can always make more if she eats what you've made and would like more.
Instead of making just the requested item, perhaps make or include another item or two that she likes, so there's some variety from which she can choose. You could present it as, "I included a couple other things that your taste buds might like; eat what you want and it's okay to leave what you don't want."
When she's going to be at someone else's house, you could prepare or gather up several things to be offered to her. Get her input on what she'd like to take. I'm one of those aunts who doesn't mind doing "special order" meals for my nieces and nephews when they're over -- their parents would get annoyed with them if the parents knew their kids were special-requesting foods (and, yes, I've made stuff before only to have the requester ask for something else instead; it didn't happen often though), but I'm fine with it. Are the other people you mentioned annoyed by your daughter's behavior, or is it that you're concerned they might be?
If you're newish to unschooling, your daughter may be experimenting to see if you really will consistently let her eat what she wants. If that's the case, she may continue doing this for a bit longer, but if you're consistent about allowing her to eat what she wants then I bet the behavior will stop.
I generally don't think of food as "being wasted." Instead, I view it as food is plentiful enough in our household that we can afford to have a variety of foods from which we can choose, and there's enough that we can fill our stomachs and not be hungry. Anything that's good as leftovers usually gets eaten by my hubby or me as leftovers. What can be composted, gets composted. What can't (not much, actually), goes into the garbage. I would rather things be that way than to not be able to offer my son a variety from which to choose, or have enough to fill his belly. A positive perspective rather than the "wasted food" negative perspective I grew up with!!
Glenda
Jennifer Schuelein
My son has done this many times and in fact, did this for several years straight. There are many reasons for thinking he wanted it until he saw it in front of him and then changing his mind suddenly. It could have beenbecause of smell, taste, texture or just mood. He would also like things cooked a certain way. Grilled cheese could not be too grilled. Scrambled eggs had to be square (did this once and he would not eat them any other way). Burgers could not have any pink, but no burned spots either. There were many of these things, but I always just went with the flow and listened to my son. He would go over to grandma's house or stay home with my husband and they would "cook it wrong" many times. They would get frustrated, but I never did. I would just explain that he was going through a phase of sudden changes and also of being particular with food. I never saw him as wasting food or my time (I find constant joy in cooking for him even if he does change his mind). He wasn't trying to be bad or picky or grouchy. He wasn't grouchy really even though when he was 3 he would proclaim things as "yucky" (at that age I let most thing like that slide).
I think food issues usually resolve themselves when given space and understanding. Today at age 10 (almost 11), my son isn't particular about how things are cooked any longer and doesn't ever tell me anything is "yucky". He tries most foods even if he doesn't like them! He is particular about types of foods, but has given up on the other things. He also doesn't ever change his mind about food anymore! I never made a big deal out of the entire thing and he simply changed again. I think part of this is due to the fact that he is more aware now of his tastes and also more aware of his feelings/desires.
Sandra says, "Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch."
I think this is perfect here. Read a little about how others have similar issues, try a little patience and understanding, wait a while and watch. :)
Jennifer
I think food issues usually resolve themselves when given space and understanding. Today at age 10 (almost 11), my son isn't particular about how things are cooked any longer and doesn't ever tell me anything is "yucky". He tries most foods even if he doesn't like them! He is particular about types of foods, but has given up on the other things. He also doesn't ever change his mind about food anymore! I never made a big deal out of the entire thing and he simply changed again. I think part of this is due to the fact that he is more aware now of his tastes and also more aware of his feelings/desires.
Sandra says, "Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch."
I think this is perfect here. Read a little about how others have similar issues, try a little patience and understanding, wait a while and watch. :)
Jennifer
--- In [email protected], "wtexans" <wtexans@...> wrote:
>
> ===Tonight she did this again and I took the original food away and gave her the item she requested instead.===
>
> Did she eat the second thing?
>
>
> ===what about the wasted food and the respect for other people's time===
>
> There are times (as recent as last week, in fact) when I've asked for a specific food and end up not eating it because the smell rubs me the wrong way, or I'll take one bite and the texture or taste will trigger my gag reflex. It happens with foods that I love, and I don't know what that's all about. (Not pregnant [g]!!)
>
> Sometimes I'll make a requested food for my kiddo and it'll not appeal to him once it's made. And some of those times I'll be cranky about the fact he asked for it, I made it, then he didn't want it -- it helps for me to remember that I do the same thing!
>
> Make smaller amounts of what she asks for. You can always make more if she eats what you've made and would like more.
>
> Instead of making just the requested item, perhaps make or include another item or two that she likes, so there's some variety from which she can choose. You could present it as, "I included a couple other things that your taste buds might like; eat what you want and it's okay to leave what you don't want."
>
> When she's going to be at someone else's house, you could prepare or gather up several things to be offered to her. Get her input on what she'd like to take. I'm one of those aunts who doesn't mind doing "special order" meals for my nieces and nephews when they're over -- their parents would get annoyed with them if the parents knew their kids were special-requesting foods (and, yes, I've made stuff before only to have the requester ask for something else instead; it didn't happen often though), but I'm fine with it. Are the other people you mentioned annoyed by your daughter's behavior, or is it that you're concerned they might be?
>
> If you're newish to unschooling, your daughter may be experimenting to see if you really will consistently let her eat what she wants. If that's the case, she may continue doing this for a bit longer, but if you're consistent about allowing her to eat what she wants then I bet the behavior will stop.
>
> I generally don't think of food as "being wasted." Instead, I view it as food is plentiful enough in our household that we can afford to have a variety of foods from which we can choose, and there's enough that we can fill our stomachs and not be hungry. Anything that's good as leftovers usually gets eaten by my hubby or me as leftovers. What can be composted, gets composted. What can't (not much, actually), goes into the garbage. I would rather things be that way than to not be able to offer my son a variety from which to choose, or have enough to fill his belly. A positive perspective rather than the "wasted food" negative perspective I grew up with!!
>
> Glenda
>
Jennifer Schuelein
I forgot to post this for you:
http://sandradodd.com/food
Jennifer
http://sandradodd.com/food
Jennifer
--- In [email protected], "Amy" <amyterese0303@...> wrote:
>
> I've been reading on this list and a few others for a while and haven't found this specific question, and I need help from seasoned unschoolers. My dd5yo often asks for a specific food item to be made for her, and then when it is placed before her she says she doesn't want it, and wants something else. This has been very frustrating for me and I really need some experienced advice about what to do in this situation. In the past, I have made her eat the first thing she requested, explaining that to ask someone to make something for you and then refuse to eat it is rude and doesn't show respect for the person who is making the food. Tonight she did this again and I took the original food away and gave her the item she requested instead. These are not unusual foods. I'm talking about macaroni and cheese, yogurt, etc. Things she's very familiar with and knows how they taste.
>
> It feels right not to force her to eat food that she doesn't want to eat, but what about the wasted food and the respect for other people's time? She doesn't only do this with me, but also with her dad, gma and auntie.
>
> Could someone please help me see this in an unschooly way? I'm at a loss.
>
plaidpanties666
"Amy" <amyterese0303@...> wrote:
That doesn't mean she knows exactly what she wants, though, until actually faced with the sights and smells of the real food. She's not trying to drive you crazy ;) she really is struggling to know what she feels like eating!
If they're common foods, can you keep small amounts on hand? Yogurt is easy to re-cover with foil for later, and mac and cheese re-heats pretty well in the microwave.
---Meredith
>These are not unusual foods. I'm talking about macaroni and cheese, yogurt, etc. Things she's very familiar with and knows how they taste.***************
That doesn't mean she knows exactly what she wants, though, until actually faced with the sights and smells of the real food. She's not trying to drive you crazy ;) she really is struggling to know what she feels like eating!
If they're common foods, can you keep small amounts on hand? Yogurt is easy to re-cover with foil for later, and mac and cheese re-heats pretty well in the microwave.
---Meredith
Amy
Thank you all for your insight. She did eat the second thing she requested, and looking back on the other times she's done this, I really think it's because she wasn't sure what she wanted. My husband is supportive, but dd's gma and auntie are very frustrated with this. We live with them, so that makes it harder. I think that's really the biggest reason why this bothered me. I'm trying to figure out how to unschool while living in a house with 3 public school teachers. Not easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.
k
>>>your daughter may be experimenting to see if you really will consistentlylet her eat what she wants. If that's the case, she may continue doing this
for a bit longer, but if you're consistent about allowing her to eat what
she wants then I bet the behavior will stop.<<<
When I was in college, I didn't eat garlic but I love it now. I hated it
when I was younger. Oh gosh I have a huge long list of changes in food
preferences. Lots of things are more appealing than they used to be.
When a child is developing food preferences, one of the first things many
children do is keep the items separate. Karl started that when he was about
5. Eventually, they may make their own food combinations according to taste,
texture, color, etc. Karl has definitely gotten braver. I've gotten better
at making food too. <g> It's still in process. He's only 7. In three short
years, he went from eating anything at all that I set in front of him to
rejecting lots of food and back to eating more and more of the things he
used to eat. He will eat lentils now. Whole grain pasta. Kiwis. The variety
is a lot, lot more now.
The long view in the development of preferences is a very different picture
from a snapshot of how a person is eating one day, one meal, one little
snack.
I don't think there's an area of parenting that is more likely to reveal a
parent's level of trust in children's ability to make good decisions than
food. Though I could be wrong about that. It's just that I've seen it so
many times.
~Katherine
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lalow
my son is this way too, goes through periods that he does it more,
one thing i feel is very important is that my son is not trying to annoy me or make more work for me. he honestly, doesnt feel he can eat the thing, for whatever reason, and my getting frustrated just makes him feel bad about himself because he really doesnt want to be a bother, he just cant eat it. so i try very hard to not get frustrated, to be kind and loving about it and just fix him something else. i save leftovers, eat them myself or feed them to the dogs.
one thing i feel is very important is that my son is not trying to annoy me or make more work for me. he honestly, doesnt feel he can eat the thing, for whatever reason, and my getting frustrated just makes him feel bad about himself because he really doesnt want to be a bother, he just cant eat it. so i try very hard to not get frustrated, to be kind and loving about it and just fix him something else. i save leftovers, eat them myself or feed them to the dogs.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm trying to figure out how to unschool while living in a house with 3 public school teachers. Not easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.-=-
I bet you imagine every day or two unschooling while living in a house withOUT three public school teachers.
Rather than waiting until a child is hungry, offer snacks between meals, maybe; small snacks.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I bet you imagine every day or two unschooling while living in a house withOUT three public school teachers.
Rather than waiting until a child is hungry, offer snacks between meals, maybe; small snacks.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
teresa
I appreciate reading all the good responses you've gotten so far, Amy, and I had another thought to add.
My son, also 5, does this the day we go grocery shopping, when the fridge is chock-full of everything wonderful that he loves to eat. We usually go shopping in the evening on a Sunday or Monday, and he and his brother, 2, will stay up later than usual sampling the various weekly provisions. I have to catch myself when I get frustrated about it. One little inner voice is saying,
"This food is supposed to last all week! And they're not even going to finish what they open because they're not even that hungry! And I'm here trying to put all the groceries AWAY and there they are pulling everything back OUT! Waaaa!" (In my house, I *am* the [former] public school teacher, and boy, does this action threaten my [former, but deep!] ideas of "control.")
Right about the "Waaaa" time--luckily!--my other little voice, the one that's been paying attention to this list and other very helpful radical unschooling websites, and who has lovely unschooly mantras memorized for just such occasions, pipes in.
"Look how TANTALIZING the fridge looks full of all that food! It's all their favorite meals IN ONE PLACE, AT THE SAME TIME! There really is something great about experiencing harvest, bounty, plenty, etc. So, let's see what they're really trying to do, and see how we can help."
So, bowls of yogurt, half-finished. The rest can go in tomorrow morning's smoothies.
The banana that wasn't actually ripe enough to eat, but that looked darn tasty, and is now abandoned with one bite out. That's OK, too. Smoothies, in the morning, or maybe frozen for later.
Opening the bag of carrots and feeding them to the dog. Hmmm. I can cut up one carrot into sticks, and this activity can go on, but with me saving the rest of the bag.
At some point, I might rattle off a list to them. "You've had yogurt, banana, carrots, bread, and mango slices. I was thinking raisins might top off this late-night meal nicely. What do you think?"
I think the whys can be complicated. For my boys, I think there is a scarcity/abundance thing going on. So, I'm trying to move away from weekly shopping in favor of replacing their favorite snacks right when they're gone to minimize their frustration at staring in an empty fridge when they're not the one with the means to fill it. And now that I think about it, I might try one of the suggestions that you got, and just lay out a smorgasbord on the main shopping day as I'm putting away groceries. Choice is a pretty empowering thing, and so is experiencing food security, and so is having an adult in your life who's willing to help you fill needs that you can't really fill for yourself.
Cheers,
Teresa
My son, also 5, does this the day we go grocery shopping, when the fridge is chock-full of everything wonderful that he loves to eat. We usually go shopping in the evening on a Sunday or Monday, and he and his brother, 2, will stay up later than usual sampling the various weekly provisions. I have to catch myself when I get frustrated about it. One little inner voice is saying,
"This food is supposed to last all week! And they're not even going to finish what they open because they're not even that hungry! And I'm here trying to put all the groceries AWAY and there they are pulling everything back OUT! Waaaa!" (In my house, I *am* the [former] public school teacher, and boy, does this action threaten my [former, but deep!] ideas of "control.")
Right about the "Waaaa" time--luckily!--my other little voice, the one that's been paying attention to this list and other very helpful radical unschooling websites, and who has lovely unschooly mantras memorized for just such occasions, pipes in.
"Look how TANTALIZING the fridge looks full of all that food! It's all their favorite meals IN ONE PLACE, AT THE SAME TIME! There really is something great about experiencing harvest, bounty, plenty, etc. So, let's see what they're really trying to do, and see how we can help."
So, bowls of yogurt, half-finished. The rest can go in tomorrow morning's smoothies.
The banana that wasn't actually ripe enough to eat, but that looked darn tasty, and is now abandoned with one bite out. That's OK, too. Smoothies, in the morning, or maybe frozen for later.
Opening the bag of carrots and feeding them to the dog. Hmmm. I can cut up one carrot into sticks, and this activity can go on, but with me saving the rest of the bag.
At some point, I might rattle off a list to them. "You've had yogurt, banana, carrots, bread, and mango slices. I was thinking raisins might top off this late-night meal nicely. What do you think?"
I think the whys can be complicated. For my boys, I think there is a scarcity/abundance thing going on. So, I'm trying to move away from weekly shopping in favor of replacing their favorite snacks right when they're gone to minimize their frustration at staring in an empty fridge when they're not the one with the means to fill it. And now that I think about it, I might try one of the suggestions that you got, and just lay out a smorgasbord on the main shopping day as I'm putting away groceries. Choice is a pretty empowering thing, and so is experiencing food security, and so is having an adult in your life who's willing to help you fill needs that you can't really fill for yourself.
Cheers,
Teresa
--- In [email protected], "Amy" <amyterese0303@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> Thank you all for your insight. She did eat the second thing she requested, and looking back on the other times she's done this, I really think it's because she wasn't sure what she wanted. My husband is supportive, but dd's gma and auntie are very frustrated with this. We live with them, so that makes it harder. I think that's really the biggest reason why this bothered me. I'm trying to figure out how to unschool while living in a house with 3 public school teachers. Not easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-Instead of making just the requested item, perhaps make or include another item or two that she likes, so there's some variety from which she can choose. You could present it as, "I included a couple other things that your taste buds might like; eat what you want and it's okay to leave what you don't want." -=-
I like the first part, but the second part seems like too much talking. Setting food out with a smile is more appealing than food set out with a speech.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I like the first part, but the second part seems like too much talking. Setting food out with a smile is more appealing than food set out with a speech.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amy
=-=-=Instead of making just the requested item, perhaps make or include another item or two that she likes, so there's some variety from which she can choose. You could present it as, "I included a couple other things that your taste buds might like; eat what you want and it's okay to leave what you don't want." =-=-=
Incidentally, the food issues with gma and auntie will shortly be over, since they've asked us to move out. They don't agree with the way we're parenting and "can't see how any good can come of it." In fact, my MIL said, "I TOLD you I disagree with unschooling." As though that should be enough of a reason for us to not consider it. (She has a Master's in Early Childhood Education and has been a teacher for a VERY long time.) She also wanted my husband to go back to college to get his "paper" (didn't matter what his major was) and he doesn't want to do it, because it won't help him with what he REALLY wants to do.
I added the part about my MIL because it is another illustration of how controlling traditional parenting can be, even when we're adults. Essentially, we're being asked to move out because they can't accept us if we don't do what THEY want us to do with our lives.
Amy
mom of Zoe (5)
>> I like the first part, but the second part seems like too much talking. Setting food out with a smile is more appealing than food set out with a speech.<<I've noticed lately that I do WAY too much talking, and Zoe tunes out after about the first 3 words if it's not an explanation she's requested. So I'm going to try this without the talking. :)
Incidentally, the food issues with gma and auntie will shortly be over, since they've asked us to move out. They don't agree with the way we're parenting and "can't see how any good can come of it." In fact, my MIL said, "I TOLD you I disagree with unschooling." As though that should be enough of a reason for us to not consider it. (She has a Master's in Early Childhood Education and has been a teacher for a VERY long time.) She also wanted my husband to go back to college to get his "paper" (didn't matter what his major was) and he doesn't want to do it, because it won't help him with what he REALLY wants to do.
I added the part about my MIL because it is another illustration of how controlling traditional parenting can be, even when we're adults. Essentially, we're being asked to move out because they can't accept us if we don't do what THEY want us to do with our lives.
Amy
mom of Zoe (5)
Sandra Dodd
-=-I added the part about my MIL because it is another illustration of how controlling traditional parenting can be, even when we're adults. Essentially, we're being asked to move out because they can't accept us if we don't do what THEY want us to do with our lives.-=-
That doesn't sound right and true.
I think they might be uncomfortable with behaviors they don't understand or like, in a house they own and live in.
If someone were living with me and doing things that disturbed my peace, I would ask them to move out.
-=-Incidentally, the food issues with gma and auntie will shortly be over, since they've asked us to move out. They don't agree with the way we're parenting and "can't see how any good can come of it." In fact, my MIL said, "I TOLD you I disagree with unschooling."-=-
I don't agree with spanking, or with bottle feeding when nursing would be a workable option. I wouldn't want to provide a place for someone to allow a child to cry it out, or to maintain and help enforce a time-out corner, nor donate any of my wall to a chore chart or a behavior modification chart with stars.
Part of owning a yacht is being able to afford a slip (if you don't have your own dock already).
Part of parenting the way you want to is having a space in which you can make such choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
That doesn't sound right and true.
I think they might be uncomfortable with behaviors they don't understand or like, in a house they own and live in.
If someone were living with me and doing things that disturbed my peace, I would ask them to move out.
-=-Incidentally, the food issues with gma and auntie will shortly be over, since they've asked us to move out. They don't agree with the way we're parenting and "can't see how any good can come of it." In fact, my MIL said, "I TOLD you I disagree with unschooling."-=-
I don't agree with spanking, or with bottle feeding when nursing would be a workable option. I wouldn't want to provide a place for someone to allow a child to cry it out, or to maintain and help enforce a time-out corner, nor donate any of my wall to a chore chart or a behavior modification chart with stars.
Part of owning a yacht is being able to afford a slip (if you don't have your own dock already).
Part of parenting the way you want to is having a space in which you can make such choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ann-Marie
Hi everyone,
I have pulled this from another post (about food) as it really stood out to me.
Sandra wrote:
-=- I don't agree with spanking, or with bottle feeding when nursing would be a workable option. I wouldn't want to provide a place for someone to allow a child to cry it out, or to maintain and help enforce a time-out corner, nor donate any of my wall to a chore chart or a behavior modification chart with stars. -=-
I have a few friends who use time-out strategies with their children. Two of these sets of parents have used time-out in my house (taking the child to a spare room in our house) once before. I am strongly opposed to time-out and found it really upsetting to see both children (on separate occasions) being treated this way - both were distraught when it happened. I tried to diffuse the tension of the situations and talk to the parents, framing the childrens' behaviour in a different way for the parents so that they weren't just seen as being 'naughty' and 'deserving' of time-out, and helping to calm the parents down so they weren't so angry. I also made an effort to be kind with the children after the event. However, I didn't speak out against the parents using our 'space' to enforce the time-out and didn't stop it from happening. Some of the other posts recently (to do with speaking up or choosing to/not to intervene with other people's parenting etc.) have got me thinking about these situations again and what I would do if it came up in the future. I understand that these friends parent differently from me but I also feel that when it comes to my house, I am very uncomfortable and unhappy about someone treating their children that way.
I would really appreciate any suggestions or thoughts from other people on how they would handle a situation like this.
Ann-Marie
I have pulled this from another post (about food) as it really stood out to me.
Sandra wrote:
-=- I don't agree with spanking, or with bottle feeding when nursing would be a workable option. I wouldn't want to provide a place for someone to allow a child to cry it out, or to maintain and help enforce a time-out corner, nor donate any of my wall to a chore chart or a behavior modification chart with stars. -=-
I have a few friends who use time-out strategies with their children. Two of these sets of parents have used time-out in my house (taking the child to a spare room in our house) once before. I am strongly opposed to time-out and found it really upsetting to see both children (on separate occasions) being treated this way - both were distraught when it happened. I tried to diffuse the tension of the situations and talk to the parents, framing the childrens' behaviour in a different way for the parents so that they weren't just seen as being 'naughty' and 'deserving' of time-out, and helping to calm the parents down so they weren't so angry. I also made an effort to be kind with the children after the event. However, I didn't speak out against the parents using our 'space' to enforce the time-out and didn't stop it from happening. Some of the other posts recently (to do with speaking up or choosing to/not to intervene with other people's parenting etc.) have got me thinking about these situations again and what I would do if it came up in the future. I understand that these friends parent differently from me but I also feel that when it comes to my house, I am very uncomfortable and unhappy about someone treating their children that way.
I would really appreciate any suggestions or thoughts from other people on how they would handle a situation like this.
Ann-Marie
plaidpanties666
"Amy" <amyterese0303@...> wrote:
Its amazing how much information you can convey with very few words! When Mo was younger she didn't like to hear a lot of words so I learned to pare my thoughts down to just one or two. It set me up to really think about what I wanted to convey and most importantly *why*. Watching and listening and acting can go a lot farther than a lot of wordiness.
---Meredith
>> I've noticed lately that I do WAY too much talking, and Zoe tunes out after about the first 3 words if it's not an explanation she's requested. So I'm going to try this without the talking. :)*************
Its amazing how much information you can convey with very few words! When Mo was younger she didn't like to hear a lot of words so I learned to pare my thoughts down to just one or two. It set me up to really think about what I wanted to convey and most importantly *why*. Watching and listening and acting can go a lot farther than a lot of wordiness.
---Meredith
Jennifer Schuelein
My mother also has a Master's in Education (Special Ed and Math).
Unschooling was a process with her. She was pretty much against it for
the first 7 years. I love my mother and we are very close, but she was
not approving and let me know it daily. We also lived with her for some
time and we had constant struggles.
Today, my son is almost 11 and the other night my mother wrote me a
lovely email telling me that she is proud of the way I raise my son. I
really think that when you make it work and live the unschooling life,
others see over time, how great the kids are thriving and how well your
life is going! Be patient with your in laws, but don't let them
discourage you.
I also agree that you should definitely have your own space! Moving out
might be a great thing and it might also allow your relationship to
thrive with your in laws. When you are all under one roof it's very
stressful.
Jennifer--- In [email protected], "Amy" <amyterese0303@...>
wrote:
which she can choose. You could present it as, "I included a couple
other things that your taste buds might like; eat what you want and it's
okay to leave what you don't want." =-=-=
out with a speech.<<
requested. So I'm going to try this without the talking. :)
we're parenting and "can't see how any good can come of it." In fact, my
MIL said, "I TOLD you I disagree with unschooling." As though that
should be enough of a reason for us to not consider it. (She has a
Master's in Early Childhood Education and has been a teacher for a VERY
long time.) She also wanted my husband to go back to college to get his
"paper" (didn't matter what his major was) and he doesn't want to do it,
because it won't help him with what he REALLY wants to do.
Essentially, we're being asked to move out because they can't accept us
if we don't do what THEY want us to do with our lives.
Unschooling was a process with her. She was pretty much against it for
the first 7 years. I love my mother and we are very close, but she was
not approving and let me know it daily. We also lived with her for some
time and we had constant struggles.
Today, my son is almost 11 and the other night my mother wrote me a
lovely email telling me that she is proud of the way I raise my son. I
really think that when you make it work and live the unschooling life,
others see over time, how great the kids are thriving and how well your
life is going! Be patient with your in laws, but don't let them
discourage you.
I also agree that you should definitely have your own space! Moving out
might be a great thing and it might also allow your relationship to
thrive with your in laws. When you are all under one roof it's very
stressful.
Jennifer--- In [email protected], "Amy" <amyterese0303@...>
wrote:
>include another item or two that she likes, so there's some variety from
>
>
> =-=-=Instead of making just the requested item, perhaps make or
which she can choose. You could present it as, "I included a couple
other things that your taste buds might like; eat what you want and it's
okay to leave what you don't want." =-=-=
>talking. Setting food out with a smile is more appealing than food set
> >> I like the first part, but the second part seems like too much
out with a speech.<<
>after about the first 3 words if it's not an explanation she's
> I've noticed lately that I do WAY too much talking, and Zoe tunes out
requested. So I'm going to try this without the talking. :)
>over, since they've asked us to move out. They don't agree with the way
> Incidentally, the food issues with gma and auntie will shortly be
we're parenting and "can't see how any good can come of it." In fact, my
MIL said, "I TOLD you I disagree with unschooling." As though that
should be enough of a reason for us to not consider it. (She has a
Master's in Early Childhood Education and has been a teacher for a VERY
long time.) She also wanted my husband to go back to college to get his
"paper" (didn't matter what his major was) and he doesn't want to do it,
because it won't help him with what he REALLY wants to do.
>how controlling traditional parenting can be, even when we're adults.
> I added the part about my MIL because it is another illustration of
Essentially, we're being asked to move out because they can't accept us
if we don't do what THEY want us to do with our lives.
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Amy
> mom of Zoe (5)
>
Amy
-=-I added the part about my MIL because it is another illustration of how controlling traditional parenting can be, even when we're adults. Essentially, we're being asked to move out because they can't accept us if we don't do what THEY want us to do with our lives.-=-
If someone were living with me and doing things that disturbed my peace, I would ask them to move out.<<<
I hear this and agree that it is because they are uncomfortable with this in their home. And it is absolutely their right to ask us to leave. However, they knew we had made the choice to unschool BEFORE they offered for us to live with them - and from what my MIL said, they knew what it was. Maybe she wasn't as informed as she thought she was. But that's why their request for us to move out seems controlling. (And we've only been here for a month. Not really enough time to make any kind of determination about its effectiveness, I would think.)
>>>That doesn't sound right and true.I think they might be uncomfortable with behaviors they don't understand or like, in a house they own and live in.
If someone were living with me and doing things that disturbed my peace, I would ask them to move out.<<<
I hear this and agree that it is because they are uncomfortable with this in their home. And it is absolutely their right to ask us to leave. However, they knew we had made the choice to unschool BEFORE they offered for us to live with them - and from what my MIL said, they knew what it was. Maybe she wasn't as informed as she thought she was. But that's why their request for us to move out seems controlling. (And we've only been here for a month. Not really enough time to make any kind of determination about its effectiveness, I would think.)
Amy
-=-I'm trying to figure out how to unschool while living in a house with 3 public school teachers. Not easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.-=-
>> I bet you imagine every day or two unschooling while living in a house withOUT three public school teachers.<<You're absolutely right! Sorry I was unclear. I meant that I couldn't imagine living a life that didn't include unschooling. I DO think about living in a house withOUT 3 public school teachers. Almost every day.
>> Rather than waiting until a child is hungry, offer snacks between meals, maybe; small snacks.<<I offer her lots of snacks, but she often says she isn't hungry. She typically doesn't eat very much. The difficulties we've been having are more with "meals." I AM realizing that most of the difficulties are a result of MY mindset, rather than my daughter's choices. She's just not sure what she wants. I can understand that. And who says she has to eat "meals" anyway? :) She seems much happier eating little bits of things all through the day.
Sandra Dodd
-=->> Rather than waiting until a child is hungry, offer snacks between meals, maybe; small snacks.<<
-=-I offer her lots of snacks, but she often says she isn't hungry. She typically doesn't eat very much. The difficulties we've been having are more with "meals.-=-
When I wrote "offer snacks" I meant this:
http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatter
It could be a saucer with three bites of things on it.
Don't ask if she wants one. Just make one and leave it near her. Not right in front of her like "a meal." Just out, like party food. And don't stick around to see if she eats it. Come back later. Don't ask her anything about what she liked or wanted. Just make note for future purposes what's gone and what's still there.
Learn without asking or speaking, from what your child eats. Offer physically, without speech.
Offer without talking about it. If it doesn't work, it won't. But what you're doing now isn't working for you, and it might be worth a try.
-=-The difficulties we've been having are more with "meals.-=-
Is the "we" in that your other relatives and you? Or you and your daughter? Or the royal, editorial, tape-worm "we"?
Maybe she could play elsewhere during meals, or just sit and visit without eating.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-I offer her lots of snacks, but she often says she isn't hungry. She typically doesn't eat very much. The difficulties we've been having are more with "meals.-=-
When I wrote "offer snacks" I meant this:
http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatter
It could be a saucer with three bites of things on it.
Don't ask if she wants one. Just make one and leave it near her. Not right in front of her like "a meal." Just out, like party food. And don't stick around to see if she eats it. Come back later. Don't ask her anything about what she liked or wanted. Just make note for future purposes what's gone and what's still there.
Learn without asking or speaking, from what your child eats. Offer physically, without speech.
Offer without talking about it. If it doesn't work, it won't. But what you're doing now isn't working for you, and it might be worth a try.
-=-The difficulties we've been having are more with "meals.-=-
Is the "we" in that your other relatives and you? Or you and your daughter? Or the royal, editorial, tape-worm "we"?
Maybe she could play elsewhere during meals, or just sit and visit without eating.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Krisula Moyer
Sandra wrote:
Krisula
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>>Learn without asking or speaking, from what your child eats. Offer physically, without speech. <<This aspect might not be important for every kid but for Anika this is key. Talking about food can make her frustrated and lead to refusal of even things she likes. Better for me to notice if she's hungry or likely to get hungry and put some things out. Small amounts of sweet, savory, salty mostly healthy stuff and once she's eaten a bit of food she is much more able to express what she wants to eat next. So, i might put out some apple slices, celery, a bit of cheese, a scone, a cup of mint tea. and then when she is feeling better she may ask me to make her some soup or a salad. "yes, of course!"
Krisula
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amy
> When I wrote "offer snacks" I meant this:Thanks for the ideas. They sound promising and I'll give them a try.
> http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatter
>> It could be a saucer with three bites of things on it.<
>> Don't ask if she wants one. Just make one and leave it near her. Not right in front of her like "a meal." Just out, like party food. And don't stick around to see if she eats it. Come back later. Don't ask her anything about what she liked or wanted. Just make note for future purposes what's gone and what's still there.<<
>> Learn without asking or speaking, from what your child eats. Offer physically, without speech. <<
>> Offer without talking about it. If it doesn't work, it won't. But what you're doing now isn't working for you, and it might be worth a try.<<
-=-The difficulties we've been having are more with "meals.-=-
>> Is the "we" in that your other relatives and you? Or you and your daughter? Or the royal, editorial, tape-worm "we"?<<The "meals" are actually just "more than snacks." What I realized in a later post was that it was my idea of "meals" that was the problem, and that Zoe was content to eat small snacks throughout the day. I am now content with that.
>> Maybe she could play elsewhere during meals, or just sit and visit without eating.<<