deannat97

I am feeling ineffective and would appreciate any input/ideas.

My 13-year-old son discovered a huge passion for football a year ago, played this season & loved it, planned to play next season. He broke his arm this month & xrays showed a bone cyst which will require surgery & long recovery time. The doc said no football for 2 years. This feels like forever to him. He has, in the past, been interested in researching famous football players of the past & watching YouTube football videos, but largely his football interest has been in actually playing the game, working out to get stronger, and just being really physical.

Other things he has really loved in the past several years have included video gaming, role play, his xBox live & facebook friendships, photography and videography, listening to music, reading (especially manga), movies, animals, and outdoor activity.

None of these are bringing him much pleasure lately. He keeps rather busy with them, but has a very restless quality about him. Last night he stated nothing appeals to him like things used to, and "I just don't have a life". I have offered a variety of different (or familiar) activities and places to go, books, movies, web sites, music, hiking, museums, etc that are within his physical realm to do right now, but he generally declines the offers.

The combination of 1)no football/physical contact-type sports and 2)his being of the age when tastes/interests often change as he is growing and maturing has been a tough one. He has always been very physical - when he talks, when he plays, even when he games he walks about or bounces on a ball. There are a lot of physical things he still CAN do, but I think he is grieving some of the other things right now. An icy winter and below zero days in the midwest doesn't help, either.

As I am thinking about and writing this, I realize that his happy spark often returns when we are doing ANYTHING physical, even just walking to the store. A definite key there, I think.

"Teen angst" has always seemed a somewhat demeaning phrase to me (depends on the attitude of the speaker using the phrase, I think), but looking at the Wikipedia description of it today, it really fits. Suggestions? Thoughts?

Deanna

Sandra Dodd

-=-None of these are bringing him much pleasure lately. He keeps rather busy with them, but has a very restless quality about him. Last night he stated nothing appeals to him like things used to, and "I just don't have a life". -=-

He's wounded, though, and very recently.

-=-"Teen angst" has always seemed a somewhat demeaning phrase to me (depends on the attitude of the speaker using the phrase, I think), but looking at the Wikipedia description of it today, it really fits. Suggestions? Thoughts?-=-

It's hard to go through that period, and boys grow FAST and hair sprouts all over the place (or doesn't, and that can be frustrating for some), and they start to smell different (and yours will have a hard time showering for a while) and they start to understand things they didn't understand before, but they're not necessarily happy things.

Maybe you had already found this page on teen angst and unschooling, but just in case...
http://sandradodd.com/teen/angst

I think smile at him, help him be comfortable, make sure he can reach food and drink, and just let him be as still or sad as he wants for a few months. Healing isn't helped by anger or fear. Maybe rent movies he could lose himself in for a couple of hours. "Rudy" came to mind. :-) The Mighty Ducks, maybe.

Sandra

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plaidpanties666

> -=-None of these are bringing him much pleasure lately. He keeps rather busy with them, but has a very restless quality about him. Last night he stated nothing appeals to him like things used to, and "I just don't have a life". -=-
>
> He's wounded, though, and very recently.

That's really important! He's not just dealing with a broken arm, but the worry that he might not be able to return to doing something he loves in the way he did it before. That's something a lot of people go through after a serious injury - its something a lot of parents go through, too when they realize that life with kids isn't going to Be the same as life before. That could be a point of empathy.

If he loves physical things, it wouldn't hurt to do some research into other physical stuff he can do, make gentle offers. I'm thinking of some of the kinds of ... cross training? is that the right term? that adult football player do - they take ballet and yoga, they run and bike and swim. Some of those can be done while being careful of his arm, some may need modifications. It may be too much for him to look into the kinds of modifications that help people with longterm disabilities (bikes and skis can need some modifying, ballet and yoga teachers might or might not know how to adapt to someone with an injury or disability)

---Meredith

wtexans

===If he loves physical things, it wouldn't hurt to do some research into other physical stuff he can do, make gentle offers. I'm thinking of some of the kinds of ... cross training?===

Playing off that a bit, maybe you could get in touch with a personal trainer who works out with athletes and has experience with keeping athletes in shape while working around an injury and let your kiddo work out with him/her 2 or 3 times a week. Not necessarily just in a gym setting, but perhaps in addition to that. Some personal trainers are extremely creative in coming up with workout ideas for outside the gym, and that might really appeal to your son.

Your son's doctor or the folks at a sports medicine clinic would likely be able to refer you to a personal trainer who's used to working with clients who need to be cautious of injuries.

Glenda

Sandra Dodd

=-Playing off that a bit, maybe you could get in touch with a personal trainer who works out with athletes and has experience with keeping athletes in shape while working around an injury and let your kiddo work out with him/her 2 or 3 times a week. Not necessarily just in a gym setting, but perhaps in addition to that. Some personal trainers are extremely creative in coming up with workout ideas for outside the gym, and that might really appeal to your son.

-=-Your son's doctor or the folks at a sports medicine clinic would likely be able to refer you to a personal trainer who's used to working with clients who need to be cautious of injuries.-=-

If you're in a town with a university or sports medicine school, maybe he could become someone's project for school and he could get the help inexpensively, or free.

Sandra

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Marcia

> If he loves physical things, it wouldn't hurt to do some research into
> other physical stuff he can do, make gentle offers. I'm thinking of some
> of the kinds of ... cross training?

Yes, whatever physical things he CAN do might help during this
transition time for him. My son, at 17, has dealt with these types of
changes this past year. His shoulder started giving him problems while
bowling frequently (in a league) and also doing weight training. After
several months of pain and frustration and some medical attention to it,
he decided he needed to stop bowling for a while and make some other
changes. He finally got some advice from a physician about how to
adjust some of his weight training to protect his shoulder more. This
was really helpful because he loved this type of workout. He also
started running more frequently, and just recently started some
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

Until these recent changes, the mental anguish of not being able to
continue bowling (comfortably) was quite difficult for him. He missed
the sport and the activity with friends. He needed to mourn the loss of
this activity and work hard to find new activities to fill that void.

I agree that gentle nurturing of a teen during this time is most
important. Listening, comforting, and allowing time for healing. Also
movies, games, time with friends, and outdoor walks would probably be
good.

Marcia

Sadie Bugni

My son went through this also at 13. While playing football, he got a deep
muscle tear in his knee AND broke his growth plate on the opposite leg. He
is also very physical, but all activity was restricted due to a walking cast
and full leg brace. It was a pretty hard time for him. HE started to feel
like he didn't have a life, not because his life wasn't full, but because he
wanted more independence. He enjoyed the things we were doing, but it's not
quite the same as being out on the field with 50 teenage boys with the
coaches. Maybe your son is craving more experiences that will give him that
feeling. See if he can still be involved with the team. Maybe the coaches
could find things for him to do at the practices so that he'd still feel
like part of the team. Often the boys would go to the movies together on
the weekends or hang out at each other's homes. It really helped us to
realize that he was missing that "feeling" as much as the game itself.

Sadie Bugni

On Sat, Jan 29, 2011 at 12:07 AM, Marcia <marcia@...> wrote:

>
>
> > If he loves physical things, it wouldn't hurt to do some research into
> > other physical stuff he can do, make gentle offers. I'm thinking of some
> > of the kinds of ... cross training?
>
> Yes, whatever physical things he CAN do might help during this
> transition time for him. My son, at 17, has dealt with these types of
> changes this past year. His shoulder started giving him problems while
> bowling frequently (in a league) and also doing weight training. After
> several months of pain and frustration and some medical attention to it,
> he decided he needed to stop bowling for a while and make some other
> changes. He finally got some advice from a physician about how to
> adjust some of his weight training to protect his shoulder more. This
> was really helpful because he loved this type of workout. He also
> started running more frequently, and just recently started some
> Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
>
> Until these recent changes, the mental anguish of not being able to
> continue bowling (comfortably) was quite difficult for him. He missed
> the sport and the activity with friends. He needed to mourn the loss of
> this activity and work hard to find new activities to fill that void.
>
> I agree that gentle nurturing of a teen during this time is most
> important. Listening, comforting, and allowing time for healing. Also
> movies, games, time with friends, and outdoor walks would probably be
> good.
>
> Marcia
>
>
>


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Marcia L. Miller

> He enjoyed the things we were doing, but it's not
> quite the same as being out on the field with 50 teenage boys with the
> coaches. Maybe your son is craving more experiences that will give him that
> feeling. See if he can still be involved with the team. Maybe the coaches
> could find things for him to do at the practices so that he'd still feel
> like part of the team. Often the boys would go to the movies together on
> the weekends or hang out at each other's homes. It really helped us to
> realize that he was missing that "feeling" as much as the game itself.

Yes, this is an important component. I had forgotten about how this
played out for my son. For a while after he stopped bowling, he went to
the bowling alley on some of the practice days to watch and hang out
with league friends. He also went there once in a while on other days to
spend time with his favorite coach. Keeping those connections was good
for him because that's part of why he enjoyed bowling.

Marcia