Deschooling/relationships/jealousy
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We are a family of 5- Mom, Dad, 3 girls ages 5, 3, and 3 months.
We began deschooling about 4 months ago.
A cycle that I have noticed happening is that it seems that the closer I get in my relationships with my 2 oldest, the more jealous they become of eachother and the baby. It seems that the better and closer are relationship gets, the more closeness them seem to desire and the less they can tolerate me getting closer to someone else.
I want more (time and connection) with them too, but when there is lots of interruption and little willingness to work out a solution (if we are all playing), no one is able to connect. Frequently the interruptions are not of a jealous nature, but one of need for food, bathroom, diaper, etc., but it is still a source of frustration and probably jealousy.
We have tried taking the two oldest out on alone dates. It helps short-term, but cannot happen everyday. Separate bedtime rituals with me seems to help too, but sometimes my husband gets home very late. Also, I am often too tired for my 5yo by the time I finish getting my 3yo to sleep, plus the knowing of night nursing ahead of me. I realize this is unfair (to my 5yo) and not working so we are trying bedtime altogether again.
Feel like I am missing something here. I know a lot of this is *normal*, but I want to keep building our relationships. I am not interested in just *waiting it out*, plus I doubt that is really a good idea and does not seem like a solution. What can I do about it?
Michelle
We began deschooling about 4 months ago.
A cycle that I have noticed happening is that it seems that the closer I get in my relationships with my 2 oldest, the more jealous they become of eachother and the baby. It seems that the better and closer are relationship gets, the more closeness them seem to desire and the less they can tolerate me getting closer to someone else.
I want more (time and connection) with them too, but when there is lots of interruption and little willingness to work out a solution (if we are all playing), no one is able to connect. Frequently the interruptions are not of a jealous nature, but one of need for food, bathroom, diaper, etc., but it is still a source of frustration and probably jealousy.
We have tried taking the two oldest out on alone dates. It helps short-term, but cannot happen everyday. Separate bedtime rituals with me seems to help too, but sometimes my husband gets home very late. Also, I am often too tired for my 5yo by the time I finish getting my 3yo to sleep, plus the knowing of night nursing ahead of me. I realize this is unfair (to my 5yo) and not working so we are trying bedtime altogether again.
Feel like I am missing something here. I know a lot of this is *normal*, but I want to keep building our relationships. I am not interested in just *waiting it out*, plus I doubt that is really a good idea and does not seem like a solution. What can I do about it?
Michelle
Sandra Dodd
This was sitting buried on my desktop, and I'm sorry. I thought I had mailed it yesterday.
-=-A cycle that I have noticed happening is that it seems that the closer I get in my relationships with my 2 oldest, the more jealous they become of each other and the baby. It seems that the better and closer are relationship gets, the more closeness them seem to desire and the less they can tolerate me getting closer to someone else.-=-
You mentioned you began deschooling four months ago. Maybe that means the oldest was in school before. If so, she might be needier than usual. If she wasn't in school, then I don't know that deschooling is a factor here.
The paragraph quoted up top seems to suggest that you think (perhaps subconsciously) that if you were NOT trying to get closer, they wouldn't be having jealousy issues. I suppose some moms' attention is so undesirable that the children prefer their siblings to receive it, but I doubt that's the way you want to go. :-)
-=-I want more (time and connection) with them too, but when there is lots of interruption and little willingness to work out a solution (if we are all playing), no one is able to connect.-=-
Unschooling can't change the reality of your having three children under the age of six. I had three that way myself, years ago. Their responsibility to work out solutions and to connect is nil. It's yours to find creative solutions. So it might help to word it in ways that put all the responsibility on you and your husband and not the girls.
Sandra
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-=-A cycle that I have noticed happening is that it seems that the closer I get in my relationships with my 2 oldest, the more jealous they become of each other and the baby. It seems that the better and closer are relationship gets, the more closeness them seem to desire and the less they can tolerate me getting closer to someone else.-=-
You mentioned you began deschooling four months ago. Maybe that means the oldest was in school before. If so, she might be needier than usual. If she wasn't in school, then I don't know that deschooling is a factor here.
The paragraph quoted up top seems to suggest that you think (perhaps subconsciously) that if you were NOT trying to get closer, they wouldn't be having jealousy issues. I suppose some moms' attention is so undesirable that the children prefer their siblings to receive it, but I doubt that's the way you want to go. :-)
-=-I want more (time and connection) with them too, but when there is lots of interruption and little willingness to work out a solution (if we are all playing), no one is able to connect.-=-
Unschooling can't change the reality of your having three children under the age of six. I had three that way myself, years ago. Their responsibility to work out solutions and to connect is nil. It's yours to find creative solutions. So it might help to word it in ways that put all the responsibility on you and your husband and not the girls.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
> -=-A cycle that I have noticed happening is that it seems that theMy first guess would be that before they needed more of you but you
> closer I get in my relationships with my 2 oldest, the more jealous
> they become of each other and the baby. It seems that the better and
> closer are relationship gets, the more closeness them seem to desire
> and the less they can tolerate me getting closer to someone else.-=-
weren't available so they didn't bother trying to get their buckets
filled. Now that they feel the possibility of getting as much
attention as they need, they're trying to cram as much in as they can
of a limited quantity before it disappears again.
If you needed $20 a day to live on but knew there was only $10 to be
had, it wouldn't do to complain. But if someone was throwing money out
of an office building onto the street, would you grab just the $20 to
get you through the day? Wouldn't you be stuffing in as much as you
possible could while it was available?
I definitely agree, don't see it as their problem. You need to do what
you can to gain their trust that you're available to them. It will
take a while, perhaps longer than you think. And the more you relax
and accept that it's what you need to do for them, the sooner they'll
trust you.
Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry?
http://tinyurl.com/6ykmxye
WIthout realizing it you may be behaving in ways that feed into the
sibling rivalry. The book could help you be more aware.
Joyce
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