Sandra Dodd

My husband sent me a link to this, and quoted from this paragraph:

-=-A series of studies by a group of psychiatrists and brain imaging scientists lead by Martin Teicher, of Harvard Medical School, shows that even hostile words in the form of verbal abuse can cause these brain changes and enduring psychiatric risks for young adults. In a study published in 2006, the researchers showed that parental verbal abuse was more strongly associated with these detrimental effects on brain development than was parental physical abuse. In a new study published in the July issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry, they report that exposure to verbal abuse from peers is associated with elevated psychiatric symptoms and corpus callosum abnormalities. The main causes are stress hormones, changes in inhibitory neurotransmitters, and environmental experience affecting the formation of myelin electrical insulation on nerve fibers. The most sensitive period for verbal abuse from peers in impairing brain development was exposure during the middle school years. Why? Because this is the period of life when these connections are developing in the human brain, and wiring of the human brain is greatly influenced by environmental experience.-=-

He didn't know what we had been discussing on this list.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-douglas-fields/rudeness-is-a-neurotoxin_b_765908.html has the rest of it.

Divorce isn't a cure, by the way. If someone thinks that divorce will save a child from a verbally abusive parent, it doesn't even begin to. It runs the risk of a child having four verbally abusive parents instead of one out of two.

So if a parent is being abusive of a child, show him or her that article (for starters) and improve the whole family dynamics, even if it takes a couple of years, and THEN start looking into unschooling.

A divorce caused by unschooling isn't likely to lead to unschooling, nor to happiness.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

dola dasgupta-banerji

>>>>>>>>>>>Divorce isn't a cure, by the way. If someone thinks that divorce
will save a child from a verbally abusive parent, it doesn't even begin to.
It runs the risk of a child having four verbally abusive parents instead of
one out of two.

So if a parent is being abusive of a child, show him or her that article
(for starters) and improve the whole family dynamics, even if it takes a
couple of years, and THEN start looking into unschooling.<<<<<<<<<<<


Abusive households can really be a hindrance to the growth of every family
member. And yes unless the abuse is not very grave "like physical beating,
verbal abuse of the worse kind, angry shouting etc," DIVORCE is certainly
not the way out.

Well I feel like sharing my story here. I have been married for 13 years and
courted my husband three years before that. Two years back we realised that
we were both getting increasingly angry and irritable at each other. I being
the woman was always passively angry, which led to suppression of the self
and led to the growth of more anger within. My husband on the other hand
would be actively angry. So we were having more fights, and he has hit me a
few times too over the last 13 years that we have been together.

Everytime I would stay upset for a while, he would say sorry and then move
on. But every time things got a bit out of hand all the old memories would
start playing up and we would land up in the same place.

Now I realised that if we had to homeschool/unschool, then this would not
do. secondly this would not do even under conventional case of kids going to
school. Plainly I needed help.

So the last time he hit me, I decided to seriously do something about it. I
took on the responsibility to sort things out in my family. I took the
responsibility to cleanse all the knots and muck that was inside me. Because
I realised one thing that "IF WE WERE BOTH NOT SUCH BAD PEOPLE THEN WHY WAS
THIS HAPPENING".

I truly and sincerely took on the task of deep inner work with the sole aim
of getting my family dynamics on the 'right' track. That is a family were
there is peace, harmony and the freedom to express emotions in a controlled
and unattached manner.

It has been very hard on me and my husband (who initially for almost a year
refused to see that things needed work). I moved out and moved in with my
parents with the children. My husband moved to another town with a job int
he same company. Because to me it was very clear that we needed to look
within ourselves to see what was not right with us individually to make our
collective lives better.

But believe me not for once have I thought of divorce. Sometimes it is good
to take a sabbatical from each other and also from one's own repetitive
Self. To examine myself and let someone else examine me.

I sincerely trust that the only way to change the people we care for and
love is by beginning to transform oneself. I have been dedicating this time
to just doing that. And every small and big change in me towards a new me
has shown amazing transformation in my DH and the children.

To have kept the children feeling secure about their parents, home and
family and also continually keeping the focus on myself has been the
greatest learning experience for me.

I do hope this helps readers on this list in some way.

Dola

On Thu, Jan 6, 2011 at 7:34 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

>
>
> My husband sent me a link to this, and quoted from this paragraph:
>
> -=-A series of studies by a group of psychiatrists and brain imaging
> scientists lead by Martin Teicher, of Harvard Medical School, shows that
> even hostile words in the form of verbal abuse can cause these brain changes
> and enduring psychiatric risks for young adults. In a study published in
> 2006, the researchers showed that parental verbal abuse was more strongly
> associated with these detrimental effects on brain development than was
> parental physical abuse. In a new study published in the July issue of the
> American Journal of Psychiatry, they report that exposure to verbal abuse
> from peers is associated with elevated psychiatric symptoms and corpus
> callosum abnormalities. The main causes are stress hormones, changes in
> inhibitory neurotransmitters, and environmental experience affecting the
> formation of myelin electrical insulation on nerve fibers. The most
> sensitive period for verbal abuse from peers in impairing brain development
> was exposure during the middle school years. Why? Because this is the period
> of life when these connections are developing in the human brain, and wiring
> of the human brain is greatly influenced by environmental experience.-=-
>
> He didn't know what we had been discussing on this list.
>
>
> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-douglas-fields/rudeness-is-a-neurotoxin_b_765908.htmlhas the rest of it.
>
> Divorce isn't a cure, by the way. If someone thinks that divorce will save
> a child from a verbally abusive parent, it doesn't even begin to. It runs
> the risk of a child having four verbally abusive parents instead of one out
> of two.
>
> So if a parent is being abusive of a child, show him or her that article
> (for starters) and improve the whole family dynamics, even if it takes a
> couple of years, and THEN start looking into unschooling.
>
> A divorce caused by unschooling isn't likely to lead to unschooling, nor to
> happiness.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Claire

Dola, I have also gone through a similar process of self-examination and transformation thanks to unschooling. My relationship with both my partner and kids has benefitted enormously. And it's an ongoing process. Just in the last few days I have been looking at my behaviour and replaying my words in my head and realising that, shock horror, I'm still talking a lot of unnecessary 'no', and feeling anger and impatience when I could choose to be kind instead. It's not always easy to remain mindful, but my relationships always suffer when I don't. The rewards of mindfulness are so very much worth the sting of admitting that you need to change.

Claire
Melbourne, Australia
Kids - Ashlin, 5 & Eden, 3

dola dasgupta-banerji

>>>>>>>> It's not always easy to remain mindful, but my relationships always
suffer when I don't. The rewards of mindfulness are so very much worth the
sting of admitting that you need to change.<<<<<<<<

I totally am in sync with this. Now that I am alert and aware of the
thoughts arising in my head, I can actually see them like on a TV screen,
and immediately know if I do not stop them here and now, how they will take
me sown the same old beaten road, leading me to disastrous consequences. It
is amazing how the similar situations with same people and relationships,
are different and fresh simply because I try and be alert in changing my own
responses to them.

Yes truly 'unschooling' has been deeply instrumental in bringing me on this
Path of self witnessing and examining. The reason for this is that three and
a half years ago when my children started spending 24x7 with me, all my
complex emotions and frailties came out in the open. They were always there
and eating away into my life source, but now there was no way of 'avoiding'
them anymore.

I am now just about heading towards a more peaceful and harmonious existence
with myself, my children, my partner and all other near and dear ones. That
is why when the more 'experienced' people on this list write, I make it a
point to listen and implement them as much as possible.

I know for sure two years back also I would have simply gone into the stupid
rigmarole of 'defending my stand' only to prove something. Now when I ask
for advice or share some problem with others I make it point to listen to
the suggestions and advice. Because the only way to change 'anything' in my
life surely starts with changing myself.

Dola
On Thu, Jan 6, 2011 at 5:21 PM, Claire <claire.horsley08@...>wrote:

>
>
> Dola, I have also gone through a similar process of self-examination and
> transformation thanks to unschooling. My relationship with both my partner
> and kids has benefitted enormously. And it's an ongoing process. Just in the
> last few days I have been looking at my behaviour and replaying my words in
> my head and realising that, shock horror, I'm still talking a lot of
> unnecessary 'no', and feeling anger and impatience when I could choose to be
> kind instead. It's not always easy to remain mindful, but my relationships
> always suffer when I don't. The rewards of mindfulness are so very much
> worth the sting of admitting that you need to change.
>
> Claire
> Melbourne, Australia
> Kids - Ashlin, 5 & Eden, 3
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-Now I realised that if we had to homeschool/unschool, then this would not
do. secondly this would not do even under conventional case of kids going to
school. Plainly I needed help.-=-

"Had to" came to the surface quickly from that paragraph.
You didn't have to homeschool.

If you CHOOSE to do something, then other choices are made, and other things are affected.

-=-I truly and sincerely took on the task of deep inner work with the sole aim
of getting my family dynamics on the 'right' track. That is a family were
there is peace, harmony and the freedom to express emotions in a controlled
and unattached manner.-=-

I think I know what you mean by "a controlled manner," but it's still about control.
http://sandradodd.com/control

Peace and harmony can come from choices that move you toward more peace and more harmony.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

But "Unattached"!? Perhaps I misunderstand your intent. "Detached"? Still...

Attachment parenting and a close relationship are not about detaching or being unattached.

Objective, *maybe.* But I can't be "objective" about my husband, nor unattached. Maybe I can detach from unreasonable expectations, but that's making choices toward more peace and more harmony.

-=-Sometimes it is good
to take a sabbatical from each other and also from one's own repetitive
Self. To examine myself and let someone else examine me.-=-

I don't think there is a capital-S "Self" that's separate from what one sees and thinks, and the way one is waking up, and at the moment before sleep, or when the sun shines or when it rains. Compartmentalizing into self and "Self" seems to be getting cold, rather than getting warm, if the goal is being with one's family.

-=-To have kept the children feeling secure about their parents, home and
family and also continually keeping the focus on myself has been the
greatest learning experience for me.-=-

If the family is separated, the children will not feel as secure as if the family is together. Perhaps in India a separation is a safer bet than it is in other places. Maybe the partner who is elsewhere, alone, is less likely to find someone to start a new family with. My husband lived in another state for nearly four years, with monthly visits (ten days a month at home, generally), but we didn't know it would be four years at the beginning. It was six months and one more six month contract, and one more, and another. It can be comfortable to have some time apart, but too much time apart is not relationship building.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

HA

***
So if a parent is being abusive of a child, show him or her that article (for starters) and improve the whole family dynamics, even if it takes a couple of years, and THEN start looking into unschooling.

A divorce caused by unschooling isn't likely to lead to unschooling, nor to happiness.
***

Love Without Hurt, by Steve Stonsky, is very helpful for abusive situations. It helps reroute an abuser's instincts so instead of attacking, they focus on improvements.