appeasement parenting
Pam Sorooshian
I hadn't heard the term "appeasement parenting" before receiving this
in my email this morning. I wasn't even entirely sure what the
connotations of "appeasement" really were, so I looked it up and the
first definition I found was:
"The policy of granting concessions to potential enemies to maintain peace."
This is the beginning of a long email that, in the end, is selling a
book called, "How to Get a Grip on Parenting."
***********
*Puberty Gets Blame for Appeasement Parenting*
By Dr. Ronald E. Johnson, C.Ph.D.
A Christian father recently said, "I had a great relationship with my
daughter until puberty came along." With deep sorrow the father related
how his daughter became rebellious, untruthful, disobedient, and sensual
as she entered adolescence. She no longer wanted to participate in
family activities or talk about spiritual interests. A great "wall"
emerged between the daughter and her parents. Their values and lifestyle
were challenged and disobeyed by the angry, belligerent, and
self-focused girl, who yelled, slammed doors, and defied common sense.
****************
I'm not saying my teens and I never had any disagreements. There is a
fair amount of "working things out" that has to happen as children grow
into young adults. But when the stage is set in advance, "working it
out" seems a natural part of life. Yes, once in a while we really lost
our tempers at each other - rarely, but there were those times. But I
cannot even remotely imagine describing my teens as rebellious,
untruthful, disobedient, belligerent, etc. They were a JOY. An absolute
JOY. My youngest is almost not-a-teen --- she'll be 20 in January.
Although I'm enjoying my 20-something kids, too, I'm going to miss the
teen years a lot. The teen years are glorious. They are filled with
energy and exploration and intensity and deep examination of the purpose
and meaning of life. If we parents support their teens in pursuing THEIR
interests - fleeting ones as well as those with staying power - those
years will likely be the ones we look back on with the greatest pleasure
as a time of deep connection with our kids that then transforms into an
adult-to-adult friendship of a type that only can exist between parent
and grown child. It is amazing. Please don't dread the teen years, but
start when kids are little to create family patterns of trust and
kindness and support. When kids are little is the time to learn,
together, to work out problems and conflicts in solution-oriented ways.
Put your relationship first, now, so that you'll HAVE a great
relationship to build on when your kids reach their teen years.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
in my email this morning. I wasn't even entirely sure what the
connotations of "appeasement" really were, so I looked it up and the
first definition I found was:
"The policy of granting concessions to potential enemies to maintain peace."
This is the beginning of a long email that, in the end, is selling a
book called, "How to Get a Grip on Parenting."
***********
*Puberty Gets Blame for Appeasement Parenting*
By Dr. Ronald E. Johnson, C.Ph.D.
A Christian father recently said, "I had a great relationship with my
daughter until puberty came along." With deep sorrow the father related
how his daughter became rebellious, untruthful, disobedient, and sensual
as she entered adolescence. She no longer wanted to participate in
family activities or talk about spiritual interests. A great "wall"
emerged between the daughter and her parents. Their values and lifestyle
were challenged and disobeyed by the angry, belligerent, and
self-focused girl, who yelled, slammed doors, and defied common sense.
****************
I'm not saying my teens and I never had any disagreements. There is a
fair amount of "working things out" that has to happen as children grow
into young adults. But when the stage is set in advance, "working it
out" seems a natural part of life. Yes, once in a while we really lost
our tempers at each other - rarely, but there were those times. But I
cannot even remotely imagine describing my teens as rebellious,
untruthful, disobedient, belligerent, etc. They were a JOY. An absolute
JOY. My youngest is almost not-a-teen --- she'll be 20 in January.
Although I'm enjoying my 20-something kids, too, I'm going to miss the
teen years a lot. The teen years are glorious. They are filled with
energy and exploration and intensity and deep examination of the purpose
and meaning of life. If we parents support their teens in pursuing THEIR
interests - fleeting ones as well as those with staying power - those
years will likely be the ones we look back on with the greatest pleasure
as a time of deep connection with our kids that then transforms into an
adult-to-adult friendship of a type that only can exist between parent
and grown child. It is amazing. Please don't dread the teen years, but
start when kids are little to create family patterns of trust and
kindness and support. When kids are little is the time to learn,
together, to work out problems and conflicts in solution-oriented ways.
Put your relationship first, now, so that you'll HAVE a great
relationship to build on when your kids reach their teen years.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen James
>fair amount of "working things out" that has to happen as children grow
> I'm not saying my teens and I never had any disagreements. There is a
>
> into young adults. But when the stage is set in advance, "working itMay I have permission to share this on our family blog? I just love what
> out" seems a natural part of life. Yes, once in a while we really lost
> our tempers at each other - rarely, but there were those times. But I
> cannot even remotely imagine describing my teens as rebellious,
> untruthful, disobedient, belligerent, etc. They were a JOY. An absolute
> JOY. My youngest is almost not-a-teen --- she'll be 20 in January.
> Although I'm enjoying my 20-something kids, too, I'm going to miss the
> teen years a lot. The teen years are glorious. They are filled with
> energy and exploration and intensity and deep examination of the purpose
> and meaning of life. If we parents support their teens in pursuing THEIR
> interests - fleeting ones as well as those with staying power - those
> years will likely be the ones we look back on with the greatest pleasure
> as a time of deep connection with our kids that then transforms into an
> adult-to-adult friendship of a type that only can exist between parent
> and grown child. It is amazing. Please don't dread the teen years, but
> start when kids are little to create family patterns of trust and
> kindness and support. When kids are little is the time to learn,
> together, to work out problems and conflicts in solution-oriented ways.
> Put your relationship first, now, so that you'll HAVE a great
> relationship to build on when your kids reach their teen years.
>
> -pam
>
you have written and it will be a reminder to me of why we are choosing this
path with our son, and an enlightening story to share with anyone else
wondering why we live like we do.
If not, thanks so much for giving me something to look forward to!
Karen James
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On 11/9/2010 3:26 PM, Karen James wrote:
-pam
> May I have permission to share this on our family blog? I just love whatOf course. Glad to be of use.
> you have written and it will be a reminder to me of why we are
> choosing this
> path with our son, and an enlightening story to share with anyone else
> wondering why we live like we do.
-pam