DS4.75's neediness and how can I help?
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I didn't recognize it until today when my own neediness showed up.
I realized my DS4.75 is very needy:
1. He needs me to play with him a lot.
2. When he does things by himself, such as watching TV or playing "solo" computer game (he really likes to play 2-player games), he either wants me to sit with me or play with him
3. When I am not around (going to the bathroom), he would notice and ask where I was, or started whining or crying.
4.If his little sister (1.75 years old) plays with something, he would want THAT.
5. When we go out, I usually carry my DD1.75 in a baby carrier and put him in a stroller. But now he wants me to carry him on my back, which I don't really mind even if he is much heavier. (I used to carry him on my back a lot)
6. When he is emotionally challenged (fussy, upset or not in the mode), he always wants me to hold him.
7. He will say things like "mom, hold me in your arms and walk around" a lot.
8. He cries when he half wakes up. He would want me to hold him. In the past, it was not a problem. DD would quietly let him get his way. But now, DD1.75 would want me to hold her or sit on my lap. They would both fight for me.
9. Sometimes he only wants me to bring him water, feed him or massage him. Not let anyone else do it.
He has been always needy, but seems more so now.
He really likes to play computer games and he likes ME to play with him. To be honest, I am just tired of playing the same game over and over again. I try my best to play with him. But he can play for 12 hours non-stop. Even when he is tired, he still wants to play. I cannot keep up with him.
I can tell he really craves someone to play with him, preferably the playmate will enjoy what he likes too. For example, my nephew, who is 25, likes to play computer game. My son just LOVES him and wants him to visit so much (but he works long hours).
So my questions are:
1. Why is he so needy? Is it his personality? Is it because I didn't meet his needs?
2. How can I help him?
3. What can I do if I don't enjoy doing what he likes? Should I just try my best?
So far, I hired some babysitters to play with him. I tried to play with him too but didn't last long. Whenever I did get into the games, he was SO happy!
I found my response to his neediness was not very good one. I found I tended to pull away once I felt pulled.
Thanks for your input and suggestions!
Jihong (Joy), mother of DS4.75 and DD1.75
P.S. I feel my own neediness is not fulfilled either. I feel anxious.
I realized my DS4.75 is very needy:
1. He needs me to play with him a lot.
2. When he does things by himself, such as watching TV or playing "solo" computer game (he really likes to play 2-player games), he either wants me to sit with me or play with him
3. When I am not around (going to the bathroom), he would notice and ask where I was, or started whining or crying.
4.If his little sister (1.75 years old) plays with something, he would want THAT.
5. When we go out, I usually carry my DD1.75 in a baby carrier and put him in a stroller. But now he wants me to carry him on my back, which I don't really mind even if he is much heavier. (I used to carry him on my back a lot)
6. When he is emotionally challenged (fussy, upset or not in the mode), he always wants me to hold him.
7. He will say things like "mom, hold me in your arms and walk around" a lot.
8. He cries when he half wakes up. He would want me to hold him. In the past, it was not a problem. DD would quietly let him get his way. But now, DD1.75 would want me to hold her or sit on my lap. They would both fight for me.
9. Sometimes he only wants me to bring him water, feed him or massage him. Not let anyone else do it.
He has been always needy, but seems more so now.
He really likes to play computer games and he likes ME to play with him. To be honest, I am just tired of playing the same game over and over again. I try my best to play with him. But he can play for 12 hours non-stop. Even when he is tired, he still wants to play. I cannot keep up with him.
I can tell he really craves someone to play with him, preferably the playmate will enjoy what he likes too. For example, my nephew, who is 25, likes to play computer game. My son just LOVES him and wants him to visit so much (but he works long hours).
So my questions are:
1. Why is he so needy? Is it his personality? Is it because I didn't meet his needs?
2. How can I help him?
3. What can I do if I don't enjoy doing what he likes? Should I just try my best?
So far, I hired some babysitters to play with him. I tried to play with him too but didn't last long. Whenever I did get into the games, he was SO happy!
I found my response to his neediness was not very good one. I found I tended to pull away once I felt pulled.
Thanks for your input and suggestions!
Jihong (Joy), mother of DS4.75 and DD1.75
P.S. I feel my own neediness is not fulfilled either. I feel anxious.
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 2, 2010, at 2:41 AM, whatismyusername@... wrote:
has made him feel off kilter. It could be you've changed and he's
getting less of your full engagement than he was before. It could be
he's seeing himself in competition with his sister. (You might want to
read Siblings Without Rivalry to see if you recognize bits of your
situation in there.)
But my guess is that sometimes when you're with him you're not fully
engaged so he needs to keep pulling at you. ("Whenever I did get into
the games, he was SO happy," is a pretty big clue.) Or you're
responding with irritation.
As an analogy, if he needs an hour of full engagement and you give him
59 minutes, he'll spend the rest of the day pulling at you to get that
last minute so it will seem like he needs you 24 hours a day.
To him I'm betting it feels like your full, joyful attention is a
limited commodity. If you begin now, he'll ask for way more than he
needs just because he fears it will disappear again. (Very common
reaction of any human to having free access to something that was
limited.) Once he's confident he can have as much as he needs, he will
ask for only as much as he needs.
Though what he needs may be more than you might think is usual! But
you can't make him want less than he needs. By withholding what he
needs you either make him needier or break his trust that you're there
for him. In the second case he'd ask less because he'd know the answer
is no but you'd have bought freedom from his asking at the price of
his trust and his relationship with you.
fully engage with him in his games *and* he needs you.
When kids buckets are full and they know mom takes their needs
seriously, then kids understand the occasional "That's not my favorite
thing to do," is about the thing and not about not wanting to be with
them. (Though they may still ask since they want *someone* to play it
with them.)
That's where friends come in. :-) When you hire babysitters are you
specifically asking for kids who enjoy gaming or just kids to babysit
who are given that task? I'd do that as much as you can *AND* play
with him -- joyfully engaged -- as much as you can *AND* engage with
him outside of games as much as you can. He will eventually ask for
less -- though will probably still need a partner for gaming -- but it
may be more than you'd like but that's who he is.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> 1. Why is he so needy? Is it his personality? Is it because I didn'tHe sounds normal. It could be he's going through a transition which
> meet his needs?
>
> 2. How can I help him?
has made him feel off kilter. It could be you've changed and he's
getting less of your full engagement than he was before. It could be
he's seeing himself in competition with his sister. (You might want to
read Siblings Without Rivalry to see if you recognize bits of your
situation in there.)
But my guess is that sometimes when you're with him you're not fully
engaged so he needs to keep pulling at you. ("Whenever I did get into
the games, he was SO happy," is a pretty big clue.) Or you're
responding with irritation.
As an analogy, if he needs an hour of full engagement and you give him
59 minutes, he'll spend the rest of the day pulling at you to get that
last minute so it will seem like he needs you 24 hours a day.
To him I'm betting it feels like your full, joyful attention is a
limited commodity. If you begin now, he'll ask for way more than he
needs just because he fears it will disappear again. (Very common
reaction of any human to having free access to something that was
limited.) Once he's confident he can have as much as he needs, he will
ask for only as much as he needs.
Though what he needs may be more than you might think is usual! But
you can't make him want less than he needs. By withholding what he
needs you either make him needier or break his trust that you're there
for him. In the second case he'd ask less because he'd know the answer
is no but you'd have bought freedom from his asking at the price of
his trust and his relationship with you.
> 3. What can I do if I don't enjoy doing what he likes? Should I justIt sounds like there are two things going on: he needs someone to
> try my best?
fully engage with him in his games *and* he needs you.
When kids buckets are full and they know mom takes their needs
seriously, then kids understand the occasional "That's not my favorite
thing to do," is about the thing and not about not wanting to be with
them. (Though they may still ask since they want *someone* to play it
with them.)
That's where friends come in. :-) When you hire babysitters are you
specifically asking for kids who enjoy gaming or just kids to babysit
who are given that task? I'd do that as much as you can *AND* play
with him -- joyfully engaged -- as much as you can *AND* engage with
him outside of games as much as you can. He will eventually ask for
less -- though will probably still need a partner for gaming -- but it
may be more than you'd like but that's who he is.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-He has been always needy, but seems more so now.-=-
You're travelling and he's sleeping in new and unfamiliar places. You
didn't mention that. It might be a factor.
-=-9. Sometimes he only wants me to bring him water, feed him or
massage him. Not let anyone else do it.-=-
I know it can be exhausting, and I know statements like this can
irritate younger moms, but I have to say it anyway:
Someday you will miss the days that just bringing him water was
exactly what he wanted--to get water from you, not anyone else.
Someday you won't be able to even touch him, let alone massage him.
So maybe, a little bit, when you're trying not to be totally
frustrated and overwhelmed, think of moms whose sons are older and
have girlfriends and have moved away, and go another thirty seconds if
you can.
It seems like forever, but it's a short part of the arc of his life.
-=-He really likes to play computer games and he likes ME to play with
him. To be honest, I am just tired of playing the same game over and
over again.-=-
Tell him sorry, he needs to find some one-player games. Playing with
you once a day might be nice. You can't play all the time. Tell him
that.
Maybe when you find some local homeschoolers you can find someone he
can play video games with!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You're travelling and he's sleeping in new and unfamiliar places. You
didn't mention that. It might be a factor.
-=-9. Sometimes he only wants me to bring him water, feed him or
massage him. Not let anyone else do it.-=-
I know it can be exhausting, and I know statements like this can
irritate younger moms, but I have to say it anyway:
Someday you will miss the days that just bringing him water was
exactly what he wanted--to get water from you, not anyone else.
Someday you won't be able to even touch him, let alone massage him.
So maybe, a little bit, when you're trying not to be totally
frustrated and overwhelmed, think of moms whose sons are older and
have girlfriends and have moved away, and go another thirty seconds if
you can.
It seems like forever, but it's a short part of the arc of his life.
-=-He really likes to play computer games and he likes ME to play with
him. To be honest, I am just tired of playing the same game over and
over again.-=-
Tell him sorry, he needs to find some one-player games. Playing with
you once a day might be nice. You can't play all the time. Tell him
that.
Maybe when you find some local homeschoolers you can find someone he
can play video games with!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
My son MD, now 8 years old, was sometimes like that at your son's age.
He was specially like that when we did travel.
I was lucky my mom was spending a few months with us so she could play with Gigi
( then about a year and a half)
and I could play with him.
I found a games that I like , Super Paper MArio for Wii.
I did not always play but I found the guide online and I helped him beat the
game.
I also found some games online for him that he played with other people
like Club Penguin, ToonTown and his favorite Roblox.
I have found that I do better supporting play than actually playing.
Finding the guide and reading and sitting down and helping him play by telling
what to do, but not playing myself.
Setting up the Thomas tracks so that he could play.
Getting the Barbies ready and dressed and the furniture in the house organized
so Gigi can play.
If they want to play swords I can make them with their help.
I kind do good in doing things around it most of the time.
I will look for videos online about what they want to do or their interest.
Its like I am the support system for their play as I am not always good at
playing.
SOmetimes it helps just take a deep breath or two and do with love.
Its amazing when I ask my kids for help and they lovingly and gladly do it with
a smile and love.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He was specially like that when we did travel.
I was lucky my mom was spending a few months with us so she could play with Gigi
( then about a year and a half)
and I could play with him.
I found a games that I like , Super Paper MArio for Wii.
I did not always play but I found the guide online and I helped him beat the
game.
I also found some games online for him that he played with other people
like Club Penguin, ToonTown and his favorite Roblox.
I have found that I do better supporting play than actually playing.
Finding the guide and reading and sitting down and helping him play by telling
what to do, but not playing myself.
Setting up the Thomas tracks so that he could play.
Getting the Barbies ready and dressed and the furniture in the house organized
so Gigi can play.
If they want to play swords I can make them with their help.
I kind do good in doing things around it most of the time.
I will look for videos online about what they want to do or their interest.
Its like I am the support system for their play as I am not always good at
playing.
SOmetimes it helps just take a deep breath or two and do with love.
Its amazing when I ask my kids for help and they lovingly and gladly do it with
a smile and love.
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]