Crisis and More
joanne.lopers
Thank-you for all the clarity. I am going to refer back to all of your posts in my times of weakness. I got into a very fear driven space for a while and now I have Vertigo which made everything worse. I might be coming out of it now somewhat but it is an effort to not get paralysed by fear.
I think I have made an effort not to let this situation affect the kids beyond it's obvious effects of having less. Vega's stealing I think may have reflected the situation. He seems to want more than the others and is relentless in his asking. I know a few times I finally responded to the nagging with "We cannot afford it."
He asks for things that we wouldn't buy anyway. I know he can feel less than abundant, especially having a friend who seems to have so much and is always doing a variety of classes. We are pretty busy too I think but last night he said he wants to stay up all night and sleep all day because he is bored during the day. It is hot, hot, hot, here in Vegas and the summers are really a challenge because you cannot do much outside. We do swim a lot but getting them in any sort of swim class did not pan out for them. The boys just seem to think classes, or the one's I find for them, are boring.
Oh, the kids are awake now and I haven't finishe the post. I'll have to respond later. I might have gotten a bit off topic.
Joanne
I think I have made an effort not to let this situation affect the kids beyond it's obvious effects of having less. Vega's stealing I think may have reflected the situation. He seems to want more than the others and is relentless in his asking. I know a few times I finally responded to the nagging with "We cannot afford it."
He asks for things that we wouldn't buy anyway. I know he can feel less than abundant, especially having a friend who seems to have so much and is always doing a variety of classes. We are pretty busy too I think but last night he said he wants to stay up all night and sleep all day because he is bored during the day. It is hot, hot, hot, here in Vegas and the summers are really a challenge because you cannot do much outside. We do swim a lot but getting them in any sort of swim class did not pan out for them. The boys just seem to think classes, or the one's I find for them, are boring.
Oh, the kids are awake now and I haven't finishe the post. I'll have to respond later. I might have gotten a bit off topic.
Joanne
Jenny Cyphers
***I think I have made an effort not to let this situation affect the kids beyond it's obvious effects of having less. Vega's stealing I think may have reflected the situation. He seems to want more than the others and is relentless in his asking. I know a few times I finally responded to the nagging with "We cannot afford it."
He asks for things that we wouldn't buy anyway. I know he can feel less than abundant***
The idea of living in abundance vs. scarcity is a big one in unschooling. It is both tangible and non-tangible. There will always be someone that appears to have more than you. More time, more house, more activities, more money, more traveling, just more more more. It will help to stop comparing yourself to others. Looking for the abundance of your own life will help enormously. What do you have in abundance?
That will be different for every person, every family. We have an abundance of computers at our house. We have an abundance of time, and remember time is priceless, how much time is one person's time worth? How much time is a mother's time worth? If you went out and got a job right now, how much would you get paid for your time, how much would it cost your family for you to get paid for your time? Now go, do something with your kids, something sweet and abundant, milk and cookies and a movie, even, and decide what that time was worth.
Abundance is in the eye of the beholder, as is scarcity. It seems, and this is my experience, you can choose one or the other, regardless of physical possessions and monetarily defined activities. Your whole physical being as a mom can be one of giving abundance to your kids.
If it's really hard for a young child to go to the store without feeling scarcity, don't take him. Bring him home something small and special, even if it's a box of tic tacs from the checkout stand. Those little things, those little extras that are so inexpensive, add up to a feeling of being loved and thought of and feeling abundant. Thrift stores are great for feeling abundant with physical things. Underneath the physical though, a feeling of abundance comes from feeling emotionally full. Nobody can buy that feeling. A parent can help create that feeling by giving of him or herself to a child that is feeling lack.
Look around your house, your neighborhood, what can you give to your child right now that will add to his feeling of abundance? Paper airplanes? A bike ride? A bucket of ice? A platter of interesting food? A cozy place to sit? An unusual game found online? A made up game of cards? A pocket knife and pieces of wood? The ideas are limitless and they exist IN ABUNDANCE, but only if you choose to see it.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He asks for things that we wouldn't buy anyway. I know he can feel less than abundant***
The idea of living in abundance vs. scarcity is a big one in unschooling. It is both tangible and non-tangible. There will always be someone that appears to have more than you. More time, more house, more activities, more money, more traveling, just more more more. It will help to stop comparing yourself to others. Looking for the abundance of your own life will help enormously. What do you have in abundance?
That will be different for every person, every family. We have an abundance of computers at our house. We have an abundance of time, and remember time is priceless, how much time is one person's time worth? How much time is a mother's time worth? If you went out and got a job right now, how much would you get paid for your time, how much would it cost your family for you to get paid for your time? Now go, do something with your kids, something sweet and abundant, milk and cookies and a movie, even, and decide what that time was worth.
Abundance is in the eye of the beholder, as is scarcity. It seems, and this is my experience, you can choose one or the other, regardless of physical possessions and monetarily defined activities. Your whole physical being as a mom can be one of giving abundance to your kids.
If it's really hard for a young child to go to the store without feeling scarcity, don't take him. Bring him home something small and special, even if it's a box of tic tacs from the checkout stand. Those little things, those little extras that are so inexpensive, add up to a feeling of being loved and thought of and feeling abundant. Thrift stores are great for feeling abundant with physical things. Underneath the physical though, a feeling of abundance comes from feeling emotionally full. Nobody can buy that feeling. A parent can help create that feeling by giving of him or herself to a child that is feeling lack.
Look around your house, your neighborhood, what can you give to your child right now that will add to his feeling of abundance? Paper airplanes? A bike ride? A bucket of ice? A platter of interesting food? A cozy place to sit? An unusual game found online? A made up game of cards? A pocket knife and pieces of wood? The ideas are limitless and they exist IN ABUNDANCE, but only if you choose to see it.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rinelle
We're having some troubles with my daughter (who's just turned 6),
surrounding money and spending. We're a little short of money right now
(hopefully temporary), though not completely. The problem we're having is
that our daughter seems to have no sense of evaluating how badly she wants
something. She will see something, and just want it, and there is no
variation in the level of wanting. Everything she sees, she wants and
insists she is going to be miserable if she doesn't get it. Quite
frequently, if I ask her what it actually is that she's wanting (as in, what
is in that box on the shelf), she has no idea, but she's going to scream
until she gets it anyway.
Today she went shopping with her dad for the express purpose of buying
another craft kit like the one she just enjoyed, but got swayed in the store
by some pretty looking toys, and DH agreed that she could have them instead
(they were around the same price). Then about an hour or so after getting
home and playing with the toy, she wished she had bought the other toy, and
wanted to go straight back and buy it.
I'm really not sure how to handle this given her complete lack of ability to
evaluate what she wants to buy. We've tried giving her pocket money, but
she will spend it on the first thing she sees, then we just have the same
desperate need to buy everything else she sees. As much as possible we try
to avoid situations where there are going to be lots of things she wants,
but sometimes it just isn't possible. I also find it really hard when she
wants something that I can see she will really get a lot of enjoyment out
of, not to just buy it for her. But then I feel like I'm evaluating what
she is getting, and perhaps she might really enjoy some of those things that
I can't see any value in. (As she frequently has previously.)
I'm at a loss as to how I can handle this in an unschooling manner,
especially given our limited finances at the moment. I feel like I'm
constantly saying no to her, and neither of us are enjoying it.
Tamara
surrounding money and spending. We're a little short of money right now
(hopefully temporary), though not completely. The problem we're having is
that our daughter seems to have no sense of evaluating how badly she wants
something. She will see something, and just want it, and there is no
variation in the level of wanting. Everything she sees, she wants and
insists she is going to be miserable if she doesn't get it. Quite
frequently, if I ask her what it actually is that she's wanting (as in, what
is in that box on the shelf), she has no idea, but she's going to scream
until she gets it anyway.
Today she went shopping with her dad for the express purpose of buying
another craft kit like the one she just enjoyed, but got swayed in the store
by some pretty looking toys, and DH agreed that she could have them instead
(they were around the same price). Then about an hour or so after getting
home and playing with the toy, she wished she had bought the other toy, and
wanted to go straight back and buy it.
I'm really not sure how to handle this given her complete lack of ability to
evaluate what she wants to buy. We've tried giving her pocket money, but
she will spend it on the first thing she sees, then we just have the same
desperate need to buy everything else she sees. As much as possible we try
to avoid situations where there are going to be lots of things she wants,
but sometimes it just isn't possible. I also find it really hard when she
wants something that I can see she will really get a lot of enjoyment out
of, not to just buy it for her. But then I feel like I'm evaluating what
she is getting, and perhaps she might really enjoy some of those things that
I can't see any value in. (As she frequently has previously.)
I'm at a loss as to how I can handle this in an unschooling manner,
especially given our limited finances at the moment. I feel like I'm
constantly saying no to her, and neither of us are enjoying it.
Tamara
Robin Bentley
Six is pretty young to be evaluating her wants!
I used to make a wish list for my daughter. That was a "yes" even
though it wasn't a "run out and get it this minute" kind of yes. She
felt like I was taking her wishes seriously, especially since I
followed up on those lists and did my best to get what she wanted,
when I could. We even made wish lists right in the store.
Limited finances is a real limitation, not an artificial one to teach
a lesson as some people do to their kids. You can avoid too many "I
want that" scenarios by leaving her at home to play with dad while you
shop. If she needs to go with you somewhere, you can tell her you have
enough money for, say, one Littlest Pet Shop animal or one small
plushie (or whatever it is she likes the most) to give her a choice.
Another thing to consider is that maybe she's understanding that money
is scarce and is trying to get what she can before there's none left.
It's sort of like kids who won't stop playing video games, because
they know their game time is going to run out. Take her to dollar
stores, so she can fill a basket with things. Or go to a thrift store
and find some cool stuff together. Think abundance!
It *is* hard not to buy something our kids would really enjoy. But you
can get it eventually, when you can afford it. Maybe your daughter
might like to keep track of change in a jar to add up to something
special.
I can get caught up wanting to get everything my daughter wants
because I want her to have it. I do that myself - want something
*right* now. But even I make myself a list and I feel better, just
knowing that it's possible.
BTW, my daughter is 15 and sometimes *really* wants something. I write
what she wants on a list, and she's cool with it, still.
Robin B.
I used to make a wish list for my daughter. That was a "yes" even
though it wasn't a "run out and get it this minute" kind of yes. She
felt like I was taking her wishes seriously, especially since I
followed up on those lists and did my best to get what she wanted,
when I could. We even made wish lists right in the store.
Limited finances is a real limitation, not an artificial one to teach
a lesson as some people do to their kids. You can avoid too many "I
want that" scenarios by leaving her at home to play with dad while you
shop. If she needs to go with you somewhere, you can tell her you have
enough money for, say, one Littlest Pet Shop animal or one small
plushie (or whatever it is she likes the most) to give her a choice.
Another thing to consider is that maybe she's understanding that money
is scarce and is trying to get what she can before there's none left.
It's sort of like kids who won't stop playing video games, because
they know their game time is going to run out. Take her to dollar
stores, so she can fill a basket with things. Or go to a thrift store
and find some cool stuff together. Think abundance!
It *is* hard not to buy something our kids would really enjoy. But you
can get it eventually, when you can afford it. Maybe your daughter
might like to keep track of change in a jar to add up to something
special.
I can get caught up wanting to get everything my daughter wants
because I want her to have it. I do that myself - want something
*right* now. But even I make myself a list and I feel better, just
knowing that it's possible.
BTW, my daughter is 15 and sometimes *really* wants something. I write
what she wants on a list, and she's cool with it, still.
Robin B.
On Jul 8, 2010, at 9:50 PM, Rinelle wrote:
The problem we're having is
> that our daughter seems to have no sense of evaluating how badly she
> wants
> something. She will see something, and just want it, and there is no
> variation in the level of wanting.
Cara Barlow
>I'm a big list-maker, but am famous for writing on anything available, and
> ***I used to make a wish list for my daughter***
>
then misplacing the list somewhere in the house, the car, etc.
I've started using a free website called listography <
http://www.listography.com>. I like it because I can access if from any
computer, and I don't lose the lists! Before listography sometimes I'd make
my lists using gmail drafts or google docs. I like listography better - it's
prettier <g>.
My older daughter and I keep bees. Yesterday I made a wish list of
beekeeping books and equipment we need, with links to the items so I don't
have to track them down again.
I also have a lists going of ideas for fun things to do this summer, errands
I need to run, ideas for an upcoming birthday party, notes on a trip to the
beach I'm planning in August, etc.
Best wishes, Cara
Anna (14) and Molly (12)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda's Shoebox
I like the idea of taking her to dollar stores and thrift stores. Maybe, if she's sensing a lack of money in the house, you could also give her a quarter or two every day, so her money is building up and she always has some, rather than having to wait a long time, in her mind, to have more money once she's spent it. Then you could take her, once a week or so, to a store where that money could stretch to 2 or 3 new things each week.
~ Amanda
~ Amanda
plaidpanties666
"Rinelle" <rinelle@...> wrote:
Sometimes its enough to acknowledge a want, and that the wanted item is wonderful in its own special way. Some kids are even happy "having" an item for the duration of the time in the store, which can seem boggling to adults. I've filled shopping carts with things Mo wanted, only to pare it all down to what we had the money for at the time - put seventy five percent of the contents of the cart back on the shelf - because it was enough that she "had" it all for an hour. Like I said, that doesn't work with every child, and it certainly doesn't work without a lot of compassion for and attention to the needs and desires of the child in the moment. Its not some kind of trick, its a way of saying "yes" that fills a need for some kids (or adults for that matter, like reading an article while waiting in line means you don't have any need to buy the magazine).
When our finances have been dire, we didn't take Mo to stores. George and I would arrange our scedules so that one of us could go without her. I did take her to yard sales, library sales, auctions and thrift shops so that *she* could shop, but not retail stores. I set it up so that I could say Yes. I even did things like visited banks for the free lollipops and balloons so that she could get something when we were all feeling the pinch of finances really hard.
There are occasions when, right before going in to a store, I'll let Mo know "I only have money for this one thing (milk, for example) so please don't ask for anything else." She's understanding about those few times, and doesn't ask.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>QuiteThen it might be a good idea to stop asking that question! It can be helpful to ask more pertinent questions, though - to ask your dd what looks so wonderful, not in a snarky, dismissive way, but the way you'd ask a friend "what is it about this car/phone/dishwasher that you like?" Ask out of interest and curiosity, to let your child-friend know you are interested in her wants and loves and fascinations. Don't jump straight from "I want" to talking about cost and whether its actually feasible to buy that thing - that jump is often what breaks the bubble for kids, turns the attraction of something new and lovely to a power struggle.
> frequently, if I ask her what it actually is that she's wanting (as in, what
> is in that box on the shelf), she has no idea, but she's going to scream
> until she gets it anyway.
Sometimes its enough to acknowledge a want, and that the wanted item is wonderful in its own special way. Some kids are even happy "having" an item for the duration of the time in the store, which can seem boggling to adults. I've filled shopping carts with things Mo wanted, only to pare it all down to what we had the money for at the time - put seventy five percent of the contents of the cart back on the shelf - because it was enough that she "had" it all for an hour. Like I said, that doesn't work with every child, and it certainly doesn't work without a lot of compassion for and attention to the needs and desires of the child in the moment. Its not some kind of trick, its a way of saying "yes" that fills a need for some kids (or adults for that matter, like reading an article while waiting in line means you don't have any need to buy the magazine).
>Then about an hour or so after gettingIt sucks to realize that you wish you'd gotten the other thing. I've been there more times than I can count! Be compassionate. Depending on the cost and the duration of the trip, is it feasible to go out and get the other thing? If not, put it on a wish list or vision board, treat the matter as seriously as if you'd bought a bra that didn't end up being as comfortable an hour after wearing it as it seemed in the changing room.
> home and playing with the toy, she wished she had bought the other toy, and
> wanted to go straight back and buy it.
> I'm at a loss as to how I can handle this in an unschooling manner,Finances are sometimes a very real limit. It can help to have a budget - with Mo it used to help, if we were going to more than one store in a trip, to have a budget for each store since I knew she'd want to get something everywhere we stopped. So I'd do a little thinking ahead of time, think about the prices of things in each store, and set an amount based on that.
> especially given our limited finances at the moment.
When our finances have been dire, we didn't take Mo to stores. George and I would arrange our scedules so that one of us could go without her. I did take her to yard sales, library sales, auctions and thrift shops so that *she* could shop, but not retail stores. I set it up so that I could say Yes. I even did things like visited banks for the free lollipops and balloons so that she could get something when we were all feeling the pinch of finances really hard.
>Everything she sees, she wants andIn the moment, commiserate. Let her know her feelings are important to you. Outside the moment, it can help to talk about what you do and how you feel when you can't have some lovely thing you want. What are your strategies?
> insists she is going to be miserable if she doesn't get it.
There are occasions when, right before going in to a store, I'll let Mo know "I only have money for this one thing (milk, for example) so please don't ask for anything else." She's understanding about those few times, and doesn't ask.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm a big list-maker, but am famous for writing on anything
available, and
then misplacing the list somewhere in the house, the car, etc.-=-
We used to have a list taped to the wall in the kitchen. That way if
we were out and someone expressed a "wish we had.." or "we should
get..." I'd say "Let's put it on the list when we get home."
Sometimes by the time we were home, it wasn't worth putting on the
list anymore. First elimination phase.
Sometimes we would find something at a thrift store that eliminated
something from the list--not necessarily by being the same item.
Marty and Kirby had a couple of things on there just for funs. The
one I remember was "exploding stroller." So the list was clear not a
serious-business list. It was helpful, though, because a couple of
times a guest to the house came over and saw something and said "Oh, I
have..." something like it.
Maybe if you have an electronic list it should be printed out and put
in public. Sometimes a need passes, or if others are seeing the list,
they can help prioritize. I do remember sometimes the joy I felt in
seeing Marty and Kirby suggest that something Holly wanted should be
the next purchase. That couldn't have happened if the list was just
on a computer somewhere.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
available, and
then misplacing the list somewhere in the house, the car, etc.-=-
We used to have a list taped to the wall in the kitchen. That way if
we were out and someone expressed a "wish we had.." or "we should
get..." I'd say "Let's put it on the list when we get home."
Sometimes by the time we were home, it wasn't worth putting on the
list anymore. First elimination phase.
Sometimes we would find something at a thrift store that eliminated
something from the list--not necessarily by being the same item.
Marty and Kirby had a couple of things on there just for funs. The
one I remember was "exploding stroller." So the list was clear not a
serious-business list. It was helpful, though, because a couple of
times a guest to the house came over and saw something and said "Oh, I
have..." something like it.
Maybe if you have an electronic list it should be printed out and put
in public. Sometimes a need passes, or if others are seeing the list,
they can help prioritize. I do remember sometimes the joy I felt in
seeing Marty and Kirby suggest that something Holly wanted should be
the next purchase. That couldn't have happened if the list was just
on a computer somewhere.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kristi_beguin
Hi Tamara,
My 4.5 year old DD is going through this right now, and her need to buy things is quite intense. Her desire is "to buy something" and not usually related to any particular thing...she just wants to go to the store and shop.
My girls LOVE to go shoe shopping. We go to Target, or Payless, or Kohls and they try on every shoe they want. We pull everything out they are interested in, try them on, walk around in them, look in the mirrors, and in the end they each decide after they've had lots of time to figure it out, and they are generally so in love with their new shoes after that and so happily strut about showing them off to their friends and family for weeks afterward.
When we go to the grocery store, my 4.5 year old starts telling me she wants to buy something while we are driving to the store. I say, we will, because we are going to the store to buy a whole lot of things. And many of those things will be just for the kids--certain foods, snacks, etc. This is where choices and involving them in the shopping process has really helped, they are helping to stock our shelves, and choosing things they like to eat and use. I have found that if I have to rush into the store to get a couple things, my DD's desire to buy something is heightened--almost as if my lack of time increases her need to buy exponentially. In those times, I choose our route accordingly--avoiding the toy aisle, and then being sure to ask if she would like some nail polish, gum, or candy as we check out.
If the issue is about her feeling the lack of money, and possibly needing to buy something before it runs out, I second the dollar store idea...dollar stores, thrift stores, good will, garage sales, etc.
Because we live about an hour away from the quality "stuff" stores (Target, Kohls, etc.) another thing that often helps both my girls when we are at home and they are needing to buy and shop is to look on the computer or in the kid catalogues that come in the mail...they circle the pics in the catalogue and they come up with ideas when browsing through clothes and toys on the computer...it's another means for them to enjoy the experience of shopping. We can then make a list for when finances are better, or we know that we'll be going to the bigger stores in a week or two.
My 4.5 year old DD is going through this right now, and her need to buy things is quite intense. Her desire is "to buy something" and not usually related to any particular thing...she just wants to go to the store and shop.
>>>The problem we're having is that our daughter seems to have no sense of evaluating how badly she wants something.<<<Maybe your daughter is craving the experience of shopping, looking at all the different things, touching them, thinking about them, deciding which thing she might desire more than another. When she went to the store with her Dad, did she have enough time to really experience the shopping? If they went with the intended purpose of getting the craft kit, and she got swayed by something else, maybe she didn't have enough time in the store to really figure out what she wanted to buy.
My girls LOVE to go shoe shopping. We go to Target, or Payless, or Kohls and they try on every shoe they want. We pull everything out they are interested in, try them on, walk around in them, look in the mirrors, and in the end they each decide after they've had lots of time to figure it out, and they are generally so in love with their new shoes after that and so happily strut about showing them off to their friends and family for weeks afterward.
>>>Quite frequently, if I ask her what it actually is that she's wanting (as in, what is in that box on the shelf), she has no idea, but she's going to scream until she gets it anyway.<<<Is this during regular grocery store type trips? Can you involve her more in the shopping process so that she is able to make lots of choices while you are picking stuff up, and so she feels she has more say into your basic necessities?
When we go to the grocery store, my 4.5 year old starts telling me she wants to buy something while we are driving to the store. I say, we will, because we are going to the store to buy a whole lot of things. And many of those things will be just for the kids--certain foods, snacks, etc. This is where choices and involving them in the shopping process has really helped, they are helping to stock our shelves, and choosing things they like to eat and use. I have found that if I have to rush into the store to get a couple things, my DD's desire to buy something is heightened--almost as if my lack of time increases her need to buy exponentially. In those times, I choose our route accordingly--avoiding the toy aisle, and then being sure to ask if she would like some nail polish, gum, or candy as we check out.
If the issue is about her feeling the lack of money, and possibly needing to buy something before it runs out, I second the dollar store idea...dollar stores, thrift stores, good will, garage sales, etc.
Because we live about an hour away from the quality "stuff" stores (Target, Kohls, etc.) another thing that often helps both my girls when we are at home and they are needing to buy and shop is to look on the computer or in the kid catalogues that come in the mail...they circle the pics in the catalogue and they come up with ideas when browsing through clothes and toys on the computer...it's another means for them to enjoy the experience of shopping. We can then make a list for when finances are better, or we know that we'll be going to the bigger stores in a week or two.
Sandra Dodd
-=-There are occasions when, right before going in to a store, I'll
let Mo know "I only have money for this one thing (milk, for example)
so please don't ask for anything else." She's understanding about
those few times, and doesn't ask.-=-
This note isn't about Meredith, but about stranger I have seen in
stores, and other parents I used to be friends with. :-)
Some parents habitually say "I don't have money for..."
They say it all the time.
And the kids know that, so it becomes meaningless. And I have heard,
from people with liquor or cigarettes in their cart, "I don't have
money for candy," or "I don't have money for toys." And what it
seemed to mean was "My money is not intended for toys or candy."
What the kids were learning was that the parent was selfish and
dishonest.
I figured that out about my mom when I was very, very young. Nothing
she ever did in all those ensuing years redeemed her, because she
continued to be that way her whole life.
I could kind of understand it, as I got older. I could justify it and
explain it, but I couldn't feel loved from it, and I couldn't trust her.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
let Mo know "I only have money for this one thing (milk, for example)
so please don't ask for anything else." She's understanding about
those few times, and doesn't ask.-=-
This note isn't about Meredith, but about stranger I have seen in
stores, and other parents I used to be friends with. :-)
Some parents habitually say "I don't have money for..."
They say it all the time.
And the kids know that, so it becomes meaningless. And I have heard,
from people with liquor or cigarettes in their cart, "I don't have
money for candy," or "I don't have money for toys." And what it
seemed to mean was "My money is not intended for toys or candy."
What the kids were learning was that the parent was selfish and
dishonest.
I figured that out about my mom when I was very, very young. Nothing
she ever did in all those ensuing years redeemed her, because she
continued to be that way her whole life.
I could kind of understand it, as I got older. I could justify it and
explain it, but I couldn't feel loved from it, and I couldn't trust her.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On 7/9/2010 8:13 AM, plaidpanties666 wrote:
something around in a store and then leave it at the checkout counter or
put it back on the shelf, but that seemed okay to her - she enjoyed the
carrying-it-around time.
Rosie is 19 years old and when we go to a bookstore she gathers up a lot
of books - as many as 15 or more of them - and carries them around with
her. When it is time to leave, she picks out the one or two she's going
to buy out of that stack.
The OP described dad taking the child to the store to buy a craft kit,
but also said they avoided taking her shopping whenever possible. That
seemed like a contradiction and my suggestion is to really not take her
anywhere that there is shopping for the next 6 months or so. Then give
it a try again.
Maybe she likes surprises - packages to open. My kids used to wrap up
things they already owned and pretend they were getting them as
presents. They also played "store" at home - maybe that would be a good
pretend game to play with her if it is the buying that is fun - she can
get some of that fun in pretend play. Get props - toy cash register,
play money - set up a store with toys and games and books you already
own. Maybe she'd like to put price tags on them. You can shop and she
can be the cashier or vice versa. My girls played store a LOT. They
also looked through catalogs a lot and talked and talked about the
things they wanted - they made lists, circled them in the catalogs, etc.
It was easier to use the American Girl Doll catalog to pick out one
thing than it was to stand in a toy store and pick out one thing.
-pam
> Some kids are even happy "having" an item for the duration of the timeRosie was like this. I thought it would be MORE difficult to carry
> in the store, which can seem boggling to adults.
something around in a store and then leave it at the checkout counter or
put it back on the shelf, but that seemed okay to her - she enjoyed the
carrying-it-around time.
Rosie is 19 years old and when we go to a bookstore she gathers up a lot
of books - as many as 15 or more of them - and carries them around with
her. When it is time to leave, she picks out the one or two she's going
to buy out of that stack.
The OP described dad taking the child to the store to buy a craft kit,
but also said they avoided taking her shopping whenever possible. That
seemed like a contradiction and my suggestion is to really not take her
anywhere that there is shopping for the next 6 months or so. Then give
it a try again.
Maybe she likes surprises - packages to open. My kids used to wrap up
things they already owned and pretend they were getting them as
presents. They also played "store" at home - maybe that would be a good
pretend game to play with her if it is the buying that is fun - she can
get some of that fun in pretend play. Get props - toy cash register,
play money - set up a store with toys and games and books you already
own. Maybe she'd like to put price tags on them. You can shop and she
can be the cashier or vice versa. My girls played store a LOT. They
also looked through catalogs a lot and talked and talked about the
things they wanted - they made lists, circled them in the catalogs, etc.
It was easier to use the American Girl Doll catalog to pick out one
thing than it was to stand in a toy store and pick out one thing.
-pam
Sandra Dodd
-=-When she went to the store with her Dad, did she have enough time
to really experience the shopping? If they went with the intended
purpose of getting the craft kit, and she got swayed by something
else, maybe she didn't have enough time in the store to really figure
out what she wanted to buy.-=-
And if all the dad intended to or was willing to buy was that one
crafts kit, he should have gone (perhaps with the box of the old one,
or the name written down) and gotten it and come home. It seems
almost sadistic to me to take her somewhere and either let her
experience the shopping or not; either way could be awful. Like going
to Disneyland and saying "But we can't ride any rides, we just came to
buy a $3 bottle of water."
Or buy the same crafts kit online, so that you get two thrills.
Ordering, and opening a box!
-=-I'm really not sure how to handle this given her complete lack of
ability to
evaluate what she wants to buy. We've tried giving her pocket money, but
she will spend it on the first thing she sees, then we just have the
same
desperate need to buy everything else she sees.-=-
-=I'm really not sure how to handle this given her complete lack of
ability to...-=-
Wait...
She's the youngest member of your team. The older folks should be
coaching. The parents should have more ability in every area, as to
logistics and budget and all of that.
I realize you came here for ideas, but when you think of the
situation, please try not to define the problem as "her complete lack"
of anything.
-=-We've tried giving her pocket money, but
she will spend it on the first thing she sees, then we just have the
same
desperate need to buy everything else she sees.-=-
"Desperate" is a harsh word. You used it, which means you were
thinking it.
The advice about abundance is key; please re-read this whole thread in
a few days when you've had time to think about it. The first pass
might not have made much sense, and without some thought, it can't
begin to sink in, really.
"Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch."
Then read again.
If you give her pocket money occasionally, rather than allowance on a
schedule, she will beg for more pocket money. I'm doing a chat in a
minute, so I can't explain that, but you could read about
conditioning, which does apply in this case, and also about some
unschoolers' experiences with and ideas about allowances:
http://sandradodd.com/money
to really experience the shopping? If they went with the intended
purpose of getting the craft kit, and she got swayed by something
else, maybe she didn't have enough time in the store to really figure
out what she wanted to buy.-=-
And if all the dad intended to or was willing to buy was that one
crafts kit, he should have gone (perhaps with the box of the old one,
or the name written down) and gotten it and come home. It seems
almost sadistic to me to take her somewhere and either let her
experience the shopping or not; either way could be awful. Like going
to Disneyland and saying "But we can't ride any rides, we just came to
buy a $3 bottle of water."
Or buy the same crafts kit online, so that you get two thrills.
Ordering, and opening a box!
-=-I'm really not sure how to handle this given her complete lack of
ability to
evaluate what she wants to buy. We've tried giving her pocket money, but
she will spend it on the first thing she sees, then we just have the
same
desperate need to buy everything else she sees.-=-
-=I'm really not sure how to handle this given her complete lack of
ability to...-=-
Wait...
She's the youngest member of your team. The older folks should be
coaching. The parents should have more ability in every area, as to
logistics and budget and all of that.
I realize you came here for ideas, but when you think of the
situation, please try not to define the problem as "her complete lack"
of anything.
-=-We've tried giving her pocket money, but
she will spend it on the first thing she sees, then we just have the
same
desperate need to buy everything else she sees.-=-
"Desperate" is a harsh word. You used it, which means you were
thinking it.
The advice about abundance is key; please re-read this whole thread in
a few days when you've had time to think about it. The first pass
might not have made much sense, and without some thought, it can't
begin to sink in, really.
"Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch."
Then read again.
If you give her pocket money occasionally, rather than allowance on a
schedule, she will beg for more pocket money. I'm doing a chat in a
minute, so I can't explain that, but you could read about
conditioning, which does apply in this case, and also about some
unschoolers' experiences with and ideas about allowances:
http://sandradodd.com/money
Sandra Dodd
-=-The OP described dad taking the child to the store to buy a craft
kit,
but also said they avoided taking her shopping whenever possible. That
seemed like a contradiction and my suggestion is to really not take her
anywhere that there is shopping for the next 6 months or so. Then give
it a try again.-=-
Good idea, if the parents don't do it in a shaming or punitive way.
Don't talk to her about it, just avoid it tactfully.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kit,
but also said they avoided taking her shopping whenever possible. That
seemed like a contradiction and my suggestion is to really not take her
anywhere that there is shopping for the next 6 months or so. Then give
it a try again.-=-
Good idea, if the parents don't do it in a shaming or punitive way.
Don't talk to her about it, just avoid it tactfully.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kristi_beguin
>>>And if all the dad intended to or was willing to buy was that onecrafts kit, he should have gone (perhaps with the box of the old one, or the name written down) and gotten it and come home. It seems almost sadistic to me to take her somewhere and either let her
experience the shopping or not; either way could be awful.>>>
Indeed. If you know you need this one thing, send someone out to get it. Maybe sending her Dad off quietly, without a big discussion of it, if possible.
Is it possible that if her Dad had been set on getting this one thing, and then your daughter is swayed by this other thing, maybe her Dad felt compelled to buy the new thing quickly and get out of the store so as to prevent her from being swayed by yet another thing?
If you can do the shopping when she is not with you, and without making an issue of it, do. I often go to the store really early in the morning when my girls are still asleep, or on my way home from work. They are as excited to help unload the groceries to see what I brought home as they are to pick stuff out at the store.
Sandra mentioned this during her Unschooling Conference this past January and it REALLY made an impact on me:
>>>Some parents habitually say "I don't have money for..."They say it all the time.
And the kids know that, so it becomes meaningless. And I have heard,
from people with liquor or cigarettes in their cart, "I don't have
money for candy," or "I don't have money for toys." And what it
seemed to mean was "My money is not intended for toys or candy."<<<
I realized that I had been saying the same thing to my kids, even as we were buying a cart load of groceries. After hearing Sandra say that, I realized what a confusing message that had to be for my kids. Clearly if I was buying a cart load of food, I had money. Why wouldn't I have money for gum or cheap toys? I stopped saying that, and haven't said that to my daughters since. I spoke to my oldest about it, because I wanted to make sure she understood that I'd realized my error. She gets it; the other day when we were at the store my youngest picked out a hot pink brush and said, "I want this," my oldest caught me before I said a word and said, "What's more difficult Mom, trying to explain to her why you don't want to buy it, or spending the three dollars?"
That's not to say that limited finances don't play into these decisions, and that's where shopping without her when you can might be helpful there.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I spoke to my oldest about it, because I wanted to make sure she
understood that I'd realized my error. She gets it; the other day when
we were at the store my youngest picked out a hot pink brush and said,
"I want this," my oldest caught me before I said a word and said,
"What's more difficult Mom, trying to explain to her why you don't
want to buy it, or spending the three dollars?"-=-
Here's a way to see such a situation, buying a brush.
Few of us have the same brush we got when we were young children.
IF she already has a brush, but she loves this pink one, maybe get the
pink one, and quietly store the other one away. She might, after a
week or two, or a month or a year, miss something about that other
brush. Maybe it feels better. Maybe it was more efficient. You'll
know where it is if she asks. Maybe the hot pink brush will break or
be lost. You'll still have the old one.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
understood that I'd realized my error. She gets it; the other day when
we were at the store my youngest picked out a hot pink brush and said,
"I want this," my oldest caught me before I said a word and said,
"What's more difficult Mom, trying to explain to her why you don't
want to buy it, or spending the three dollars?"-=-
Here's a way to see such a situation, buying a brush.
Few of us have the same brush we got when we were young children.
IF she already has a brush, but she loves this pink one, maybe get the
pink one, and quietly store the other one away. She might, after a
week or two, or a month or a year, miss something about that other
brush. Maybe it feels better. Maybe it was more efficient. You'll
know where it is if she asks. Maybe the hot pink brush will break or
be lost. You'll still have the old one.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kristi_beguin
>>>Here's a way to see such a situation, buying a brush. Few of us have the same brush we got when we were young children. IF she already has a brush, but she loves this pink one, maybe get the pink one, and quietly store the other one away. She might, after a week or two, or a month or a year, miss something about that other brush. Maybe it feels better. Maybe it was more efficient. You'll now where it is if she asks. Maybe the hot pink brush will break or be lost. You'll still have the old one.<<<That's great! I can see how this idea can carry forward into other items as well. As it turns out, the hot pink brush is the "swim brush" and it's kept safely in the swim bag for after swimming hair brushing. Being one who is constantly without a hair brush after swimming, I've learned to rely on my two prepared kids, who each have their own swimming hairbrushes and have saved my goofy looking hair many times this summer.
Schuyler
When Linnaea was about 7 we used to go swimming at a place that had gumball
machines filled with toys for about 20 pence a pop. She would ask for 20 pence
pieces for much of the time we were there, which got frustating, largely because
it was repeated over and over again. It helped a lot to just have the change to
give her when we got there so that she could decide what to do with it, how much
she wanted and so that I didn't feel so much like I was being nickeled and dimed
to death. A bunch of what she got were bouncy balls, we had lots of bouncy balls
for a long time, but they've all proven valuable as cat and dog toys over the
years. I can remember being annoyed at the money being spent on occassion, but
what has been amazing has been the pleasure those 20 pence balls have added as
well as the real sense of richness that Linnaea has.
Others have pointed this out about their own children, but neither Linnaea nor
Simon are needy. Linnaea, particularly, but Simon in lesser ways, went through
periods of huge desire for things from stores. And it was easy to feel
frustrated, to feel poorer at the prospect of their need. David was very good at
being generous when I was tired or grumpy. I can remember once in Singapore
airport when he happily took Linnaea to buy a pair of lovely silk pajamas when I
couldn't face spending any more money. I'm so glad he did. She really loved
those pajamas. But both of them now will turn things down more often than they
will accept them. I try, I offer and I ply them with things, but they don't want
what they don't want. It took a real sense of abudance for them to get to a
point of being so discerning.
When I was a child, and into being an adult, I looked to things to fulfill me. I
was a marketer's dream. I figured if I looked right or if I had the right toys
or the right something I could be attractive enough or good enough or sucessful
enough or happy enough to do whatever it was that I felt needed to be done or
whatever it was. It is amazing to not see that in Simon and Linnaea. They like
what they like and they get what they want and then they are done with getting
stuff. They don't want the most expensive, they don't want the most impressive.
Heck, even the things they do want, like Xbox games or whatever, they will wait
for the price to go down or they will really research to make sure it is what
they want. I am so very impressed by them. And the only things that I can see
that made that difference was the freedom to buy things, the abundance that they
had and the support and love that David and I have given them.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: kristi_beguin <foehn_jye@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 9 July, 2010 23:15:09
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Money and spending?
well. As it turns out, the hot pink brush is the "swim brush" and it's kept
safely in the swim bag for after swimming hair brushing. Being one who is
constantly without a hair brush after swimming, I've learned to rely on my two
prepared kids, who each have their own swimming hairbrushes and have saved my
goofy looking hair many times this summer.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
machines filled with toys for about 20 pence a pop. She would ask for 20 pence
pieces for much of the time we were there, which got frustating, largely because
it was repeated over and over again. It helped a lot to just have the change to
give her when we got there so that she could decide what to do with it, how much
she wanted and so that I didn't feel so much like I was being nickeled and dimed
to death. A bunch of what she got were bouncy balls, we had lots of bouncy balls
for a long time, but they've all proven valuable as cat and dog toys over the
years. I can remember being annoyed at the money being spent on occassion, but
what has been amazing has been the pleasure those 20 pence balls have added as
well as the real sense of richness that Linnaea has.
Others have pointed this out about their own children, but neither Linnaea nor
Simon are needy. Linnaea, particularly, but Simon in lesser ways, went through
periods of huge desire for things from stores. And it was easy to feel
frustrated, to feel poorer at the prospect of their need. David was very good at
being generous when I was tired or grumpy. I can remember once in Singapore
airport when he happily took Linnaea to buy a pair of lovely silk pajamas when I
couldn't face spending any more money. I'm so glad he did. She really loved
those pajamas. But both of them now will turn things down more often than they
will accept them. I try, I offer and I ply them with things, but they don't want
what they don't want. It took a real sense of abudance for them to get to a
point of being so discerning.
When I was a child, and into being an adult, I looked to things to fulfill me. I
was a marketer's dream. I figured if I looked right or if I had the right toys
or the right something I could be attractive enough or good enough or sucessful
enough or happy enough to do whatever it was that I felt needed to be done or
whatever it was. It is amazing to not see that in Simon and Linnaea. They like
what they like and they get what they want and then they are done with getting
stuff. They don't want the most expensive, they don't want the most impressive.
Heck, even the things they do want, like Xbox games or whatever, they will wait
for the price to go down or they will really research to make sure it is what
they want. I am so very impressed by them. And the only things that I can see
that made that difference was the freedom to buy things, the abundance that they
had and the support and love that David and I have given them.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: kristi_beguin <foehn_jye@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 9 July, 2010 23:15:09
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Money and spending?
>>>Here's a way to see such a situation, buying a brush. Few of us have the sameThat's great! I can see how this idea can carry forward into other items as
>>>brush we got when we were young children. IF she already has a brush, but she
>>>loves this pink one, maybe get the pink one, and quietly store the other one
>>>away. She might, after a week or two, or a month or a year, miss something
>>>about that other brush. Maybe it feels better. Maybe it was more efficient.
>>>You'll now where it is if she asks. Maybe the hot pink brush will break or be
>>>lost. You'll still have the old one.<<<
well. As it turns out, the hot pink brush is the "swim brush" and it's kept
safely in the swim bag for after swimming hair brushing. Being one who is
constantly without a hair brush after swimming, I've learned to rely on my two
prepared kids, who each have their own swimming hairbrushes and have saved my
goofy looking hair many times this summer.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
riasplace3
One of the things which helped me say yes to spending more was to collect quarters for machines. Every time I got change back I would put the quarters in a pocket in my camera case -because the camera is always with me- and whenever we came to games or candy/toy machines I always had lots of quarters to give.
My kids especially liked that at birthday parties at pizza places with game machines....plenty of quarters to go around, and they shared, too, with the kids whose parents were saying no.
Ria
My kids especially liked that at birthday parties at pizza places with game machines....plenty of quarters to go around, and they shared, too, with the kids whose parents were saying no.
Ria
--- In [email protected], Schuyler <s.waynforth@...> wrote:
>
> It helped a lot to just have the change to
> give her when we got there so that she could decide what to do with it, how much
> she wanted and so that I didn't feel so much like I was being nickeled and dimed
> to death.
Blandstein
My kids are all very different when it comes to spending and money and it does determine how much and when we go to the store. One thing I think that has helped some is that I very seldom buy things for myself that I have to planned. A few weeks ago I picked up a purse at target on clearance without planning to buy a purse but i dont dont do that often. My husband and I research and debate alot of purchases. When we go to the store therefore, whether it is for something for any of us we usually do it with a purpose. Even if that purpose is to find something to buy with their christmas money. Often my two youngest dont really have anything in mind, but my two older ones typically have things they want in mind. And I try to warn them ahead of time if it isnt going to be possible this trip. For example they really want a new video game that just came out but it is still 50 dollars. We dont have the money, so I rented it for them this week for 6.
If they really want to buy something though, money is burning a hole in their pocket or something, i take them to the dollar store or a garage sale. I will say though that time has helped. My 8 year old was interested in entering a tournament for taekwondo the other day. I said if he really wanted to I would sign him up. He asked how much it was. When I told him he responded, "you know I really want a GOOD skateboard for my birthday, so I think I would rather you keep that money so you have enough to get a nice one."
If they really want to buy something though, money is burning a hole in their pocket or something, i take them to the dollar store or a garage sale. I will say though that time has helped. My 8 year old was interested in entering a tournament for taekwondo the other day. I said if he really wanted to I would sign him up. He asked how much it was. When I told him he responded, "you know I really want a GOOD skateboard for my birthday, so I think I would rather you keep that money so you have enough to get a nice one."
Sandra Dodd
-=-. A bunch of what she got were bouncy balls, we had lots of bouncy
balls
for a long time, but they've all proven valuable as cat and dog toys
over the
years. -=-
Holly did coin machines and bouncy balls. She had an old jewelry box
(one of the fancy-paper-covered cardboard ones made to look nicer than
its materials) and the nicest bouncy balls were sorted into the
drawers that might have held rings and bracelets. The plainer ones
went in the bottom.
Once we rented a helium tank and got some nice balloons, for a party
here. Holly had the idea of putting bouncy balls inside balloons, pre-
helium. Then helium. It would work with air, too, but that was HOURS
of fun. Serious fun. You can hold the balloon and get the super ball
spinning around inside it and then throw it. It moves really
erratically. If it's helium, it moves around, and maybe up, very
erratically. Or they would get the ball bouncing up, and when it was
at the apex, let go. The balloon started up, then the ball's bump on
the way down disturbed it, but it would still go up.
Sometimes people have said, "Well I don't get ideas like that." I
didn't either. It took years for that idea to come to pass. It took
years of me letting Holly collect little super balls (and helping her,
by not throwing them away if I found them, and making sure she had a
good place to keep them). It took being willing to see that a day of
helium balloon play could be worth the $50 or whatever it cost us. It
took Holly having had people say "Let's try it!" or "Sure, okay" for
years, rather than "That's stupid," and "Don't," and "What are you
DOING!?"
You need to start early with being sweet, generous, accepting, and
gaining faith in learning itself and in the potential of your
children's response to living in a rich and peaceful environment.
-=-They don't want the most expensive, they don't want the most
impressive. -=-
Yesterday I heard Holly say to Marty and Ashlee (Marty's girlfriend)
that she would like to go with them, to lunch with their friend Ben.
She had overheard that they were going, and wanted an invitation.
They said okay very nicely, and they all left. I was picturing one of
the several nice restaurants they know and like. While they were
still gone, Holly tweeted this:
Taco Bell lunch with some of my favorite people. And mmmm Taco
Bellllll. about 19 hours ago
For anyone living where Taco Bell is an unknown, it's a very
inexpensive taco and burrito chain that's been around since the
1960's, mostly a drive-through, with small dining rooms that could be
hosed down, they're so solidly plastic and metal. About the only
decorations are the logo and the paper bags. It's probably the least
expensive place in town, but Holly was as happy as could be.
Oh! I went to confirm the 1960's; I was right. But the founder, Glen
Bell, died in January of this year! He was in the Marines in WWII.
You never know what will lead to other things... A child might be
collecting what will become a life's work or interest. Look at Kirby
and video games, or Jayn Coburn and dolls!
http://sandradodd.com/kirby
http://sandradodd.com/barbiejuliet
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
balls
for a long time, but they've all proven valuable as cat and dog toys
over the
years. -=-
Holly did coin machines and bouncy balls. She had an old jewelry box
(one of the fancy-paper-covered cardboard ones made to look nicer than
its materials) and the nicest bouncy balls were sorted into the
drawers that might have held rings and bracelets. The plainer ones
went in the bottom.
Once we rented a helium tank and got some nice balloons, for a party
here. Holly had the idea of putting bouncy balls inside balloons, pre-
helium. Then helium. It would work with air, too, but that was HOURS
of fun. Serious fun. You can hold the balloon and get the super ball
spinning around inside it and then throw it. It moves really
erratically. If it's helium, it moves around, and maybe up, very
erratically. Or they would get the ball bouncing up, and when it was
at the apex, let go. The balloon started up, then the ball's bump on
the way down disturbed it, but it would still go up.
Sometimes people have said, "Well I don't get ideas like that." I
didn't either. It took years for that idea to come to pass. It took
years of me letting Holly collect little super balls (and helping her,
by not throwing them away if I found them, and making sure she had a
good place to keep them). It took being willing to see that a day of
helium balloon play could be worth the $50 or whatever it cost us. It
took Holly having had people say "Let's try it!" or "Sure, okay" for
years, rather than "That's stupid," and "Don't," and "What are you
DOING!?"
You need to start early with being sweet, generous, accepting, and
gaining faith in learning itself and in the potential of your
children's response to living in a rich and peaceful environment.
-=-They don't want the most expensive, they don't want the most
impressive. -=-
Yesterday I heard Holly say to Marty and Ashlee (Marty's girlfriend)
that she would like to go with them, to lunch with their friend Ben.
She had overheard that they were going, and wanted an invitation.
They said okay very nicely, and they all left. I was picturing one of
the several nice restaurants they know and like. While they were
still gone, Holly tweeted this:
Taco Bell lunch with some of my favorite people. And mmmm Taco
Bellllll. about 19 hours ago
For anyone living where Taco Bell is an unknown, it's a very
inexpensive taco and burrito chain that's been around since the
1960's, mostly a drive-through, with small dining rooms that could be
hosed down, they're so solidly plastic and metal. About the only
decorations are the logo and the paper bags. It's probably the least
expensive place in town, but Holly was as happy as could be.
Oh! I went to confirm the 1960's; I was right. But the founder, Glen
Bell, died in January of this year! He was in the Marines in WWII.
You never know what will lead to other things... A child might be
collecting what will become a life's work or interest. Look at Kirby
and video games, or Jayn Coburn and dolls!
http://sandradodd.com/kirby
http://sandradodd.com/barbiejuliet
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rinelle
I wanted to thank everyone for all the replies, and all the different
thoughts people had on my situation with my DD and spending. I've been
reading, and thinking, and reading again, and I think it's becoming a little
clearer with everyone's help.
We went out to a bigger toystore with my sister a couple of days ago (she
was going to buy a slide, so we tagged along), and before we even left I
told DD we could spend a set amount of money. I did agree that it could be
negotiable after she asked what if what she wanted was 50c more.
Anyway, when we arrived, she immediately wanted a giant pony, but it was
more than the amount we'd agreed, so she moved on, and found a unicorn
hobbyhorse which was the amount we'd agreed on, so she wanted it. Instead
of commenting, I helped her pick out one that worked (the played sounds),
and she gallopped around the store while we helped my sister pick out
slides. Then she decided she didn't want the unicorn anymore, so we walked
back to take it back. Next she found a big box of plastic toy food which
was just over what we'd agreed on. She carried it around for a while too,
and I said nothing, even though I was hoping she wouldn't choose it. (My
opinon on how much use she'd get out of it, which wasn't necessarily right).
She then settled on a plastic toy cake with velcro decorations, which I
actually thought was pretty cool.
She did get a little upset a couple of times saying she didn't know what to
choose, but with plenty of time and patience, she was able to make a really
good choice, and get something she's played with a lot since she got home.
I think that perhaps a lot of the problems we've been having with her
getting home and wishing she'd bought something else is a combination of not
giving her enough time to make a choice, and putting too much of our own
evaluation on what she is buying, even if we're trying not to. We want her
to be able to make her own choice, but often we do get too caught up in what
we think she should buy, and we're making that too obvious. So she chooses
what she wants, but feels we're disapproving. Definately going to work on
that one.
Thanks again everyone for all your help.
Tamara
thoughts people had on my situation with my DD and spending. I've been
reading, and thinking, and reading again, and I think it's becoming a little
clearer with everyone's help.
We went out to a bigger toystore with my sister a couple of days ago (she
was going to buy a slide, so we tagged along), and before we even left I
told DD we could spend a set amount of money. I did agree that it could be
negotiable after she asked what if what she wanted was 50c more.
Anyway, when we arrived, she immediately wanted a giant pony, but it was
more than the amount we'd agreed, so she moved on, and found a unicorn
hobbyhorse which was the amount we'd agreed on, so she wanted it. Instead
of commenting, I helped her pick out one that worked (the played sounds),
and she gallopped around the store while we helped my sister pick out
slides. Then she decided she didn't want the unicorn anymore, so we walked
back to take it back. Next she found a big box of plastic toy food which
was just over what we'd agreed on. She carried it around for a while too,
and I said nothing, even though I was hoping she wouldn't choose it. (My
opinon on how much use she'd get out of it, which wasn't necessarily right).
She then settled on a plastic toy cake with velcro decorations, which I
actually thought was pretty cool.
She did get a little upset a couple of times saying she didn't know what to
choose, but with plenty of time and patience, she was able to make a really
good choice, and get something she's played with a lot since she got home.
I think that perhaps a lot of the problems we've been having with her
getting home and wishing she'd bought something else is a combination of not
giving her enough time to make a choice, and putting too much of our own
evaluation on what she is buying, even if we're trying not to. We want her
to be able to make her own choice, but often we do get too caught up in what
we think she should buy, and we're making that too obvious. So she chooses
what she wants, but feels we're disapproving. Definately going to work on
that one.
Thanks again everyone for all your help.
Tamara