words that hurt
lalow66
my middle son Ben is now 7. he has a tendancy to be quick to anger but for the most part quickly calms down when his feelings are validated.
he also has a tendency, when he gets angry to say things such as shutup, idiot, stupid, I hate you etc.. to his siblings, to me, and to friends that come over. I speak to him on a daily basis about this but although he always says, yes mama I will try. He does not stop and I think it is getting worse. Getting worse in that he used to do it mostly only to family and now it is spreading to friends as well.
I would welcome any ideas on help this.
he also has a tendency, when he gets angry to say things such as shutup, idiot, stupid, I hate you etc.. to his siblings, to me, and to friends that come over. I speak to him on a daily basis about this but although he always says, yes mama I will try. He does not stop and I think it is getting worse. Getting worse in that he used to do it mostly only to family and now it is spreading to friends as well.
I would welcome any ideas on help this.
Sandra Dodd
-=-my middle son Ben is now 7. he has a tendancy to be quick to anger
but for the most part quickly calms down when his feelings are
validated.-=-
Rather than validating feelings that arise after he's angry, look at
ways to avoid the anger in the first place.
Help him breathe first before speaking, "count to three," anything
that will help him pause and think.
Not all feelings are worthy of validation. But if he's being
disregarded until he blows up, talk to the people who are disregarding
him in the first place.
And about the language, I would say "Did you breathe before you
spoke?" If he said no, I'd say then you need to do that next time.
I wouldn't go into details about what and why about the particular
language every day. You're doing that; it's not helping. If he said
yes, he did breathe before he spoke, I would say "Then next time I
guess you need to take TWO deep breaths, because you still said
"idiot." I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but I wouldn't ignore
it, ever, when it happened. If we were going out where other people
were going to be I would make sure he had eaten, had some water with
him, had some knowledge about the plans for the day, and had been
reminded to breathe if he started to feel frustrated. Not normal
breathing, a really long, deep breath. The best way to get a really
deep breath in is to breathe out all the air that's already in there,
and not really fast, either, but consciously breathe out.
That might be a little fun to play with, breathing out, and maybe even
grunting, or thinking of cartoon bulls, breathing out and getting
really still. If all the air is out of him, he won't be able to
speak until after he's breathed in. So before the situations,
practice breathing in. Maybe make it a breath-holding contest, for
fun, in a light moment, with everyone in the family. See how long
you can hold your breath out. And huff out the last little bit. And
again. And wait. That breath that follows is going to be all new
air. Talk about balloons, maybe, and as that air comes in feel and
see your posture change. Maybe do it in a mirror. If he doesn't want
to don't make him do it; do it yourself in a fun way and he might join
in.
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
but for the most part quickly calms down when his feelings are
validated.-=-
Rather than validating feelings that arise after he's angry, look at
ways to avoid the anger in the first place.
Help him breathe first before speaking, "count to three," anything
that will help him pause and think.
Not all feelings are worthy of validation. But if he's being
disregarded until he blows up, talk to the people who are disregarding
him in the first place.
And about the language, I would say "Did you breathe before you
spoke?" If he said no, I'd say then you need to do that next time.
I wouldn't go into details about what and why about the particular
language every day. You're doing that; it's not helping. If he said
yes, he did breathe before he spoke, I would say "Then next time I
guess you need to take TWO deep breaths, because you still said
"idiot." I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but I wouldn't ignore
it, ever, when it happened. If we were going out where other people
were going to be I would make sure he had eaten, had some water with
him, had some knowledge about the plans for the day, and had been
reminded to breathe if he started to feel frustrated. Not normal
breathing, a really long, deep breath. The best way to get a really
deep breath in is to breathe out all the air that's already in there,
and not really fast, either, but consciously breathe out.
That might be a little fun to play with, breathing out, and maybe even
grunting, or thinking of cartoon bulls, breathing out and getting
really still. If all the air is out of him, he won't be able to
speak until after he's breathed in. So before the situations,
practice breathing in. Maybe make it a breath-holding contest, for
fun, in a light moment, with everyone in the family. See how long
you can hold your breath out. And huff out the last little bit. And
again. And wait. That breath that follows is going to be all new
air. Talk about balloons, maybe, and as that air comes in feel and
see your posture change. Maybe do it in a mirror. If he doesn't want
to don't make him do it; do it yourself in a fun way and he might join
in.
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maria Bannister
I would love to hear responses on this as I am having the exact same issue
with my daughter who is 10 yo.
Maria
with my daughter who is 10 yo.
Maria
On Fri, May 21, 2010 at 9:24 AM, lalow66 <lalow@...> wrote:
>
>
> my middle son Ben is now 7. he has a tendancy to be quick to anger but for
> the most part quickly calms down when his feelings are validated.
> he also has a tendency, when he gets angry to say things such as shutup,
> idiot, stupid, I hate you etc.. to his siblings, to me, and to friends that
> come over. I speak to him on a daily basis about this but although he always
> says, yes mama I will try. He does not stop and I think it is getting worse.
> Getting worse in that he used to do it mostly only to family and now it is
> spreading to friends as well.
> I would welcome any ideas on help this.
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tina Tarbutton
My son, around that age, had problems where he couldn't focus well enough to
say or do what he wanted. Once he told me it was the "hyper bugs" that were
taking over. So we made a game out of breathing the hyper bugs out. Slow
deep breath in, to capture them all in the breath net, then long slow breath
out to make sure none got blown back inside.
Perhaps this would work, but with frustration bugs or anger bugs instead.
Tina
say or do what he wanted. Once he told me it was the "hyper bugs" that were
taking over. So we made a game out of breathing the hyper bugs out. Slow
deep breath in, to capture them all in the breath net, then long slow breath
out to make sure none got blown back inside.
Perhaps this would work, but with frustration bugs or anger bugs instead.
Tina
On Fri, May 21, 2010 at 10:08 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
>
> Help him breathe first before speaking, "count to three," anything
> that will help him pause and think.
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Cara Barlow
===I would love to hear responses on this as I am having the exact same
issue with my daughter who is 10 yo.===
With my older daughter I tried to make sure that she was fed and rested and
had used the bathroom recently <g>. If those weren't triggering her
unhappiness it sometimes was the noise level or feeling too warm or that
someone was in her personal space.
Occasionally it was none of those things. Sometimes sadness manifests itself
as outbursts towards other people. Sometimes she was frustrated with other
children's behavior. More mom-attention and mom-time was a way to help her.
Hugs and sitting together close enough to touch worked really well as did
one-on-one attention and coaching on other ways to respond.
I always, though, made it a point to let her know that even if she was
feeling bad, it was not OK to treat others poorly.
Best wishes, Cara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
issue with my daughter who is 10 yo.===
With my older daughter I tried to make sure that she was fed and rested and
had used the bathroom recently <g>. If those weren't triggering her
unhappiness it sometimes was the noise level or feeling too warm or that
someone was in her personal space.
Occasionally it was none of those things. Sometimes sadness manifests itself
as outbursts towards other people. Sometimes she was frustrated with other
children's behavior. More mom-attention and mom-time was a way to help her.
Hugs and sitting together close enough to touch worked really well as did
one-on-one attention and coaching on other ways to respond.
I always, though, made it a point to let her know that even if she was
feeling bad, it was not OK to treat others poorly.
Best wishes, Cara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanna
My daughter had similar issues with temper, but she was hitting her brother and having anger outbursts with friends. It had to do with her feeling powerless with brother--not getting her way. And with friends it's had to do with misunderstandings which, when cleared up, tend to melt away. The more experience she's had with clearing up misunderstandings, the more her mind seems to be opening to not going there in the first place--but that's taken time and maturity. The powerless thing has also taken lots of conversation with older brother--he treats her in certain ways that he feels very entitled to and isn't always even aware of.
We talked about it a lot, and around the end of 8 she started to take herself out of the situation when she got frustrated, until she calmed down. She then had to deal with the storming off putting people off--but it was better than hitting or an outburst. We approached it like that--that it was a better choice, but that there were better choices still to be made.
She has those intense, quick-fire hormones. Thinking of it that way has really helped to find strategies that would work for her. The interesting thing is that when they subside, she is completely ready to make up or move on--she really doesn't hold grudges, and she's very happy to apologize when she feels better or has more understanding of the situation. I think this side of her is charming, and is what has helped her friends to understand and deal with her!
Now, at 11 1/2, I can see how far she's come.
Joanna
We talked about it a lot, and around the end of 8 she started to take herself out of the situation when she got frustrated, until she calmed down. She then had to deal with the storming off putting people off--but it was better than hitting or an outburst. We approached it like that--that it was a better choice, but that there were better choices still to be made.
She has those intense, quick-fire hormones. Thinking of it that way has really helped to find strategies that would work for her. The interesting thing is that when they subside, she is completely ready to make up or move on--she really doesn't hold grudges, and she's very happy to apologize when she feels better or has more understanding of the situation. I think this side of her is charming, and is what has helped her friends to understand and deal with her!
Now, at 11 1/2, I can see how far she's come.
Joanna
--- In [email protected], "lalow66" <lalow@...> wrote:
>
> my middle son Ben is now 7. he has a tendancy to be quick to anger but for the most part quickly calms down when his feelings are validated.
> he also has a tendency, when he gets angry to say things such as shutup, idiot, stupid, I hate you etc.. to his siblings, to me, and to friends that come over. I speak to him on a daily basis about this but although he always says, yes mama I will try. He does not stop and I think it is getting worse. Getting worse in that he used to do it mostly only to family and now it is spreading to friends as well.
> I would welcome any ideas on help this.
>
Pam Sorooshian
On 5/21/2010 10:40 AM, Joanna wrote:
the ability to get away, fast, just before she would explode (not every
time, but lots of times). There were people who were critical of that,
called it "storming off," in a negative way. But, I knew that it was a
big step forward for her and I'd stop others from following her and
insisting that she should deal with the problem immediately.
Sandra talks about how different bodies probably handle adrenaline
differently. For some it hits them fast and furious, for others it is
slow to flow, but also slow to dissipate. Roxana says, and always said,
that her anger took her by surprise, that she really didn't have enough
warning signals to stop and make any other decision. Even trying to
breathe first seemed impossible to her. She'd be already furious and
shouting or saying things she later regretted, at the exact same time
that another part of her brain would be telling her to stop and breathe
first. Looking back (she's 22 now and has full self-control), I think
Roxana's fight or flight body chemical responses were super super quick
and intense. She was little and when she felt wronged, it felt like
being attacked to her, and she had an instant and super strong
physiological reaction - she was immediately awash in "fight" mode
chemicals. Switching to "flight" was doable because those same chemicals
can lead to that option. Switching to "calmly discuss the problem" just
wasn't a realistic option when all those fight or flight chemicals were
raging in her body.
Rox's sisters learned quickly to let her leave and then let her return
without much comment. Sometimes, though, she'd have a problem with
friends, who would get their moms involved and then the mothers were
insistent that she should stay and "talk it out" right then and there
and they would get really pushy about it. There were times I said very
firmly and clearly (to moms, mostly, but maybe a few times to kids),
"Please do NOT follow Roxana when she needs to get away. Let her go on
her own and leave her alone. She'll come back when she feels ready to
work things out." I stood guard a few times at park days - Rox was off
on her own, crying and very upset, and I prevented anyone from going to
her and insisting she "talk about it." I know for a fact that there were
parents there who thought I was cruel not to go to her myself, but I
knew she needed space around her to recover. Looking back, I think it
was that she needed a certain amount of time for the fight or flight
chemicals to dissipate.
She's a great 22-year-old now - I know her friends would describe her as
even-tempered and sweet. She still does have a very very strong sense of
justice - she feels it strongly when things seem unfair - it infuriates
her still. But she can cope. She has perspective. She "feels" it but
doesn't blow up over it. Example would be that her registration window
at her university was Wednesday morning. They get 2 hours to register,
then their window closes and they can't make any changes until just
before school starts in the fall - no adding or dropping or changing
classes. There was a glitch in the computer system during her window and
it didn't recognize that she'd met the prerequisites for a series of
courses she needs to take to graduate. So it would not let her register.
She emailed support, they emailed her back that they'd fied it, but they
took two hours to do it and her window closed, so she couldn't get into
the classes. They're now all full. That kind of unfair frustration is
exactly the kind of thing that used to completely throw her - something
not her fault, frustrating, and unfair. But, this time, she anticipated
they might take too long to fix it and so she looked around for some
other courses to take, found some others that seem interesting to her,
and really more than made the best of it. Ended up with some classes she
would otherwise not have taken and she's looking forward to them.
Rox doesn't let everybody see all her intensity - all the strong
feelings she still has. She keeps it inside and only a few people even
suspect it is there. She can still "feel" explosive about little things
(to others) when they seem very unfair. She will excuse herself and go
to the bathroom when people are playing a game and she thinks some
decision was a bad one. I think her biochemistry has changed, some, with
maturity, but mostly she has learned various strategies to handle it.
So - for those of you with quick-trigger kids who don't seem to have
self-control, I guess I'm saying do the best you can to help them now in
ways that work best for them. Don't assume that helping them understand
how to problem solve, for example, is useful. Roxana understood quite
well how to problem solve. That wasn't her problem at all and all
attempts to help her understand it just caused her greater frustration
and made things worse. The most important thing I did was really listen
to Roxana and really pay attention to what seemed to help and what
didn't. Enlist the child's help - it isn't like the kid wants things to
be hard - kids want to be happy, too.
-pam
> We talked about it a lot, and around the end of 8 she started to takeThis was exactly what went on with Roxana. Around the age of 10 she got
> herself out of the situation when she got frustrated, until she calmed
> down. She then had to deal with the storming off putting people
> off--but it was better than hitting or an outburst. We approached it
> like that--that it was a better choice, but that there were better
> choices still to be made.
the ability to get away, fast, just before she would explode (not every
time, but lots of times). There were people who were critical of that,
called it "storming off," in a negative way. But, I knew that it was a
big step forward for her and I'd stop others from following her and
insisting that she should deal with the problem immediately.
Sandra talks about how different bodies probably handle adrenaline
differently. For some it hits them fast and furious, for others it is
slow to flow, but also slow to dissipate. Roxana says, and always said,
that her anger took her by surprise, that she really didn't have enough
warning signals to stop and make any other decision. Even trying to
breathe first seemed impossible to her. She'd be already furious and
shouting or saying things she later regretted, at the exact same time
that another part of her brain would be telling her to stop and breathe
first. Looking back (she's 22 now and has full self-control), I think
Roxana's fight or flight body chemical responses were super super quick
and intense. She was little and when she felt wronged, it felt like
being attacked to her, and she had an instant and super strong
physiological reaction - she was immediately awash in "fight" mode
chemicals. Switching to "flight" was doable because those same chemicals
can lead to that option. Switching to "calmly discuss the problem" just
wasn't a realistic option when all those fight or flight chemicals were
raging in her body.
Rox's sisters learned quickly to let her leave and then let her return
without much comment. Sometimes, though, she'd have a problem with
friends, who would get their moms involved and then the mothers were
insistent that she should stay and "talk it out" right then and there
and they would get really pushy about it. There were times I said very
firmly and clearly (to moms, mostly, but maybe a few times to kids),
"Please do NOT follow Roxana when she needs to get away. Let her go on
her own and leave her alone. She'll come back when she feels ready to
work things out." I stood guard a few times at park days - Rox was off
on her own, crying and very upset, and I prevented anyone from going to
her and insisting she "talk about it." I know for a fact that there were
parents there who thought I was cruel not to go to her myself, but I
knew she needed space around her to recover. Looking back, I think it
was that she needed a certain amount of time for the fight or flight
chemicals to dissipate.
She's a great 22-year-old now - I know her friends would describe her as
even-tempered and sweet. She still does have a very very strong sense of
justice - she feels it strongly when things seem unfair - it infuriates
her still. But she can cope. She has perspective. She "feels" it but
doesn't blow up over it. Example would be that her registration window
at her university was Wednesday morning. They get 2 hours to register,
then their window closes and they can't make any changes until just
before school starts in the fall - no adding or dropping or changing
classes. There was a glitch in the computer system during her window and
it didn't recognize that she'd met the prerequisites for a series of
courses she needs to take to graduate. So it would not let her register.
She emailed support, they emailed her back that they'd fied it, but they
took two hours to do it and her window closed, so she couldn't get into
the classes. They're now all full. That kind of unfair frustration is
exactly the kind of thing that used to completely throw her - something
not her fault, frustrating, and unfair. But, this time, she anticipated
they might take too long to fix it and so she looked around for some
other courses to take, found some others that seem interesting to her,
and really more than made the best of it. Ended up with some classes she
would otherwise not have taken and she's looking forward to them.
Rox doesn't let everybody see all her intensity - all the strong
feelings she still has. She keeps it inside and only a few people even
suspect it is there. She can still "feel" explosive about little things
(to others) when they seem very unfair. She will excuse herself and go
to the bathroom when people are playing a game and she thinks some
decision was a bad one. I think her biochemistry has changed, some, with
maturity, but mostly she has learned various strategies to handle it.
So - for those of you with quick-trigger kids who don't seem to have
self-control, I guess I'm saying do the best you can to help them now in
ways that work best for them. Don't assume that helping them understand
how to problem solve, for example, is useful. Roxana understood quite
well how to problem solve. That wasn't her problem at all and all
attempts to help her understand it just caused her greater frustration
and made things worse. The most important thing I did was really listen
to Roxana and really pay attention to what seemed to help and what
didn't. Enlist the child's help - it isn't like the kid wants things to
be hard - kids want to be happy, too.
-pam
Lyla Wolfenstein
pam, would it be ok with you (and roxana) if i posted this as a facebook note for friends to see? it so exactly captures my experience so far, with my quick trigger child (almost 12 now) and i know many people who could really benefit from reading it...
lyla
lyla
----- Original Message -----
From: Pam Sorooshian
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, May 21, 2010 11:28 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: words that hurt
On 5/21/2010 10:40 AM, Joanna wrote:
> We talked about it a lot, and around the end of 8 she started to take
> herself out of the situation when she got frustrated, until she calmed
> down. She then had to deal with the storming off putting people
> off--but it was better than hitting or an outburst. We approached it
> like that--that it was a better choice, but that there were better
> choices still to be made.
This was exactly what went on with Roxana. Around the age of 10 she got
the ability to get away, fast, just before she would explode (not every
time, but lots of times). There were people who were critical of that,
called it "storming off," in a negative way. But, I knew that it was a
big step forward for her and I'd stop others from following her and
insisting that she should deal with the problem immediately.
Sandra talks about how different bodies probably handle adrenaline
differently. For some it hits them fast and furious, for others it is
slow to flow, but also slow to dissipate. Roxana says, and always said,
that her anger took her by surprise, that she really didn't have enough
warning signals to stop and make any other decision. Even trying to
breathe first seemed impossible to her. She'd be already furious and
shouting or saying things she later regretted, at the exact same time
that another part of her brain would be telling her to stop and breathe
first. Looking back (she's 22 now and has full self-control), I think
Roxana's fight or flight body chemical responses were super super quick
and intense. She was little and when she felt wronged, it felt like
being attacked to her, and she had an instant and super strong
physiological reaction - she was immediately awash in "fight" mode
chemicals. Switching to "flight" was doable because those same chemicals
can lead to that option. Switching to "calmly discuss the problem" just
wasn't a realistic option when all those fight or flight chemicals were
raging in her body.
Rox's sisters learned quickly to let her leave and then let her return
without much comment. Sometimes, though, she'd have a problem with
friends, who would get their moms involved and then the mothers were
insistent that she should stay and "talk it out" right then and there
and they would get really pushy about it. There were times I said very
firmly and clearly (to moms, mostly, but maybe a few times to kids),
"Please do NOT follow Roxana when she needs to get away. Let her go on
her own and leave her alone. She'll come back when she feels ready to
work things out." I stood guard a few times at park days - Rox was off
on her own, crying and very upset, and I prevented anyone from going to
her and insisting she "talk about it." I know for a fact that there were
parents there who thought I was cruel not to go to her myself, but I
knew she needed space around her to recover. Looking back, I think it
was that she needed a certain amount of time for the fight or flight
chemicals to dissipate.
She's a great 22-year-old now - I know her friends would describe her as
even-tempered and sweet. She still does have a very very strong sense of
justice - she feels it strongly when things seem unfair - it infuriates
her still. But she can cope. She has perspective. She "feels" it but
doesn't blow up over it. Example would be that her registration window
at her university was Wednesday morning. They get 2 hours to register,
then their window closes and they can't make any changes until just
before school starts in the fall - no adding or dropping or changing
classes. There was a glitch in the computer system during her window and
it didn't recognize that she'd met the prerequisites for a series of
courses she needs to take to graduate. So it would not let her register.
She emailed support, they emailed her back that they'd fied it, but they
took two hours to do it and her window closed, so she couldn't get into
the classes. They're now all full. That kind of unfair frustration is
exactly the kind of thing that used to completely throw her - something
not her fault, frustrating, and unfair. But, this time, she anticipated
they might take too long to fix it and so she looked around for some
other courses to take, found some others that seem interesting to her,
and really more than made the best of it. Ended up with some classes she
would otherwise not have taken and she's looking forward to them.
Rox doesn't let everybody see all her intensity - all the strong
feelings she still has. She keeps it inside and only a few people even
suspect it is there. She can still "feel" explosive about little things
(to others) when they seem very unfair. She will excuse herself and go
to the bathroom when people are playing a game and she thinks some
decision was a bad one. I think her biochemistry has changed, some, with
maturity, but mostly she has learned various strategies to handle it.
So - for those of you with quick-trigger kids who don't seem to have
self-control, I guess I'm saying do the best you can to help them now in
ways that work best for them. Don't assume that helping them understand
how to problem solve, for example, is useful. Roxana understood quite
well how to problem solve. That wasn't her problem at all and all
attempts to help her understand it just caused her greater frustration
and made things worse. The most important thing I did was really listen
to Roxana and really pay attention to what seemed to help and what
didn't. Enlist the child's help - it isn't like the kid wants things to
be hard - kids want to be happy, too.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-She's a great 22-year-old now - I know her friends would describe
her as
even-tempered and sweet. She still does have a very very strong sense of
justice - she feels it strongly when things seem unfair - it infuriates
her still. But she can cope. She has perspective.-=-
Kirby is 23. He used to get angry FAST when he was little, but now he
hardly ever gets angry. Partly it was karate, for him, I think.
Partly it was being an analytical guy about social interactions and
seeing the danger of hotheadedness. But either he found tools or he
grew out of it, maybe some of both.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
her as
even-tempered and sweet. She still does have a very very strong sense of
justice - she feels it strongly when things seem unfair - it infuriates
her still. But she can cope. She has perspective.-=-
Kirby is 23. He used to get angry FAST when he was little, but now he
hardly ever gets angry. Partly it was karate, for him, I think.
Partly it was being an analytical guy about social interactions and
seeing the danger of hotheadedness. But either he found tools or he
grew out of it, maybe some of both.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanna
-=-There were times I said very
-=-> So - for those of you with quick-trigger kids who don't seem to have
Joanna
> firmly and clearly (to moms, mostly, but maybe a few times to kids),That's been our situation exactly! Most people have been understanding--especially when they see that things really will work out. It's not that Caroline wants to ignore the situation--she will talk it out when she's ready to do that--but not in the moment. We've only run into one bad situation, and it was pretty bad, with a mom that had really strong opinions about exactly how it should work. But when she's upset, she doesn't want to talk to anyone, including me.
> "Please do NOT follow Roxana when she needs to get away. Let her go on
> her own and leave her alone. She'll come back when she feels ready to
> work things out." I stood guard a few times at park days - Rox was off
> on her own, crying and very upset, and I prevented anyone from going to
> her and insisting she "talk about it." I know for a fact that there were
> parents there who thought I was cruel not to go to her myself, but I
> knew she needed space around her to recover. Looking back, I think it
> was that she needed a certain amount of time for the fight or flight
> chemicals to dissipate.-=-
-=-> So - for those of you with quick-trigger kids who don't seem to have
> self-control, I guess I'm saying do the best you can to help them now inThis is great advice!
> ways that work best for them. Don't assume that helping them understand
> how to problem solve, for example, is useful. Roxana understood quite
> well how to problem solve. That wasn't her problem at all and all
> attempts to help her understand it just caused her greater frustration
> and made things worse. The most important thing I did was really listen
> to Roxana and really pay attention to what seemed to help and what
> didn't. Enlist the child's help - it isn't like the kid wants things to
> be hard - kids want to be happy, too.-=-
>
> -pam
>
Joanna
Cara Barlow
Hi: I just want to clarify that my daughter that I wrote about below wasn't
a quick-trigger kid like Pam's daughter. Best wishes, Cara
a quick-trigger kid like Pam's daughter. Best wishes, Cara
On Fri, May 21, 2010 at 11:46 AM, Cara Barlow <carabarlow@...> wrote:
> ===I would love to hear responses on this as I am having the exact same
> issue with my daughter who is 10 yo.===
>
> With my older daughter I tried to make sure that she was fed and rested and
> had used the bathroom recently <g>. If those weren't triggering her
> unhappiness it sometimes was the noise level or feeling too warm or that
> someone was in her personal space.
>
> Occasionally it was none of those things. Sometimes sadness manifests
> itself as outbursts towards other people. Sometimes she was frustrated with
> other children's behavior. More mom-attention and mom-time was a way to help
> her. Hugs and sitting together close enough to touch worked really well as
> did one-on-one attention and coaching on other ways to respond.
>
> I always, though, made it a point to let her know that even if she was
> feeling bad, it was not OK to treat others poorly.
>
> Best wishes, Cara
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
My oldest daughter, Roya, is getting married in August. Her fiance is a
peace officer/park ranger at Griffith Park in Los Angeles and just got a
notice that he's for sure being laid off due to city budget cuts. Roya
had just turned in notice that she's quitting her job because she's
starting graduate school. Her job was about a 50 hours per week,
average. They've asked her to stay on as a part-time employee, so she is
going to do that, and she has another part-time job for the summer only.
He isn't having any luck finding work (been looking, because the
handwriting was on the wall for a while).
They had been planning a European honeymoon or maybe Hawaii or Costa
Rica or at least something very exciting for a Southern California, USA,
couple, but now they are looking for inexpensive places. The wedding is
August 7th - so we're talking a week or two starting August 8th.
I'm trying really hard to find a way to make this related to
unschooling, but what I really want is to ask anybody who has any
suggestions or maybe a vacation home somewhere interesting that you'd
like to offer to them to use, please email me OFFLIST.
Here is the unschooling part, I guess. They are having a backyard
wedding and are very focused on the wedding as a union of families, not
just the two of them. It has been really interesting and fun to watch an
unschooled young woman plan her wedding. She has absolutely no interest
in doing anything in any particular conventional way just because it is
conventional - that doesn't enter into consideration. It is all about
what is meaningful to them, what is beautiful, and what brings their
friends and families together with the most love and joy. She isn't
rejecting convention, not by any means, but she isn't tied to it at all
- she picks and chooses what she wants and leaves the rest.
Also, her fiance wasn't homeschooled or unschooled, and, although he's
agreed to it for their kids, once in a while he expresses concerns about
it. Her answer is kind of simple - "You love me, right? You think I'm
awesome, right? Well, I was unschooled." So - this is a new and
different kind of dynamic that will take place between parents, now that
our unschooled kids are growing up and getting married and having kids.
When my husband was skeptical, I could not point to myself as an example
of an unschooler, but that's exactly what my daughter will be able to do.
peace officer/park ranger at Griffith Park in Los Angeles and just got a
notice that he's for sure being laid off due to city budget cuts. Roya
had just turned in notice that she's quitting her job because she's
starting graduate school. Her job was about a 50 hours per week,
average. They've asked her to stay on as a part-time employee, so she is
going to do that, and she has another part-time job for the summer only.
He isn't having any luck finding work (been looking, because the
handwriting was on the wall for a while).
They had been planning a European honeymoon or maybe Hawaii or Costa
Rica or at least something very exciting for a Southern California, USA,
couple, but now they are looking for inexpensive places. The wedding is
August 7th - so we're talking a week or two starting August 8th.
I'm trying really hard to find a way to make this related to
unschooling, but what I really want is to ask anybody who has any
suggestions or maybe a vacation home somewhere interesting that you'd
like to offer to them to use, please email me OFFLIST.
Here is the unschooling part, I guess. They are having a backyard
wedding and are very focused on the wedding as a union of families, not
just the two of them. It has been really interesting and fun to watch an
unschooled young woman plan her wedding. She has absolutely no interest
in doing anything in any particular conventional way just because it is
conventional - that doesn't enter into consideration. It is all about
what is meaningful to them, what is beautiful, and what brings their
friends and families together with the most love and joy. She isn't
rejecting convention, not by any means, but she isn't tied to it at all
- she picks and chooses what she wants and leaves the rest.
Also, her fiance wasn't homeschooled or unschooled, and, although he's
agreed to it for their kids, once in a while he expresses concerns about
it. Her answer is kind of simple - "You love me, right? You think I'm
awesome, right? Well, I was unschooled." So - this is a new and
different kind of dynamic that will take place between parents, now that
our unschooled kids are growing up and getting married and having kids.
When my husband was skeptical, I could not point to myself as an example
of an unschooler, but that's exactly what my daughter will be able to do.
Pam Sorooshian
Sorry - accidentally sent that last post without changing the subject
line or signing the post.
So - change it to the above subject line and - it was from me,
-pam sorooshian
line or signing the post.
So - change it to the above subject line and - it was from me,
-pam sorooshian