Kelly Halldorson

I'm 36 years old. I have three kids (Wolf 15, Griffin 13 & Zoe 12). We unschool, though we haven't always.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is the phrase...*don't get it*

Probably because it has been used *against* me so many times. I'm guilty of using it too but it really is such a negative and patronizing phrase...I do my best to avoid using it against other people.

I remember in High School. I was 17 and living with my boyfriend. ...I had these two art teachers. They were really like friends of mine.

One day in class they were chatting with some students about the movie Sex, Lies and Videotape. Going on and on about what a fantastic movie it was, wonderful, life changing and all that. I piped in...mind you probably the only kid in the class living "as an adult" --

me: You know, I saw it. I didn't like it.

teacher: What!!? No way...Why??

me: Lots of reasons, mostly I thought the characters whined too much. And it was so melodramtic.

teacher: You just didn't get it then.

me: No, I get it. I really get it. I just didn't like it.

teacher: When you are older you'll understand.

Fast forward to today. I still can't stand that movie and I couldn't be in a better position in my life to "get it" than I am right now.

It's like when I tell someone I hate the Lord of the Rings books. I don't like how they are written. Often times people tell me...*Oh, they are a hard read. They are too hard for a lot of people.* Um...I just didn't like them. I've read plenty of books much *harder* than Tolkien...grrr.

Sometimes it's not about *getting it* or not it's about agreeing with something or not. When we imply (or assume) that people don't understand a concept we close our own minds and miss out on an opportunity to better understand the person we are talking to. We miss out on an opportunity to connect and share thought.

Peace,
Kelly

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Sandra Dodd

-=-me: You know, I saw it. I didn't like it.

teacher: What!!? No way...Why??

me: Lots of reasons, mostly I thought the characters whined too much.
And it was so melodramtic.

teacher: You just didn't get it then.

me: No, I get it. I really get it. I just didn't like it.

teacher: When you are older you'll understand. -=-

I'm that way about jazz and about sci-fi & fantasy. But I don't mind
people saying I don't get it. I don't get it.

I don't mind other people getting it. I'll support them in their
enjoyment, but the fact that I don't want to hear it or read it much
myself, is the same as "I don't get it." I don't understand the big
deal. I could pass a test on what jazz is and I could discuss the
value of science fiction.

I LOVE traditional ballads. It doesn't bother me when other people
don't like them. I get it. <g> But if they don't have any interest
at all in hearing any or even hearing about them (even if they could
pass a test on what ballads are), that doesn't make me like the
ballads or the people any less.

But still, there is something about ballads they don't get. And I
still like them.

There is something about jazz I don't get. But my jazz-loving friends
still like me (mostly).

Sandra

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Kelly Halldorson

<<<I don't mind other people getting it. I'll support them in their
enjoyment, but the fact that I don't want to hear it or read it much
myself, is the same as "I don't get it." I don't understand the big
deal. I could pass a test on what jazz is and I could discuss the
value of science fiction.>>>

There are plenty of things I don't get. There are plenty of things in life that I don't understand what the big deal is all about etc. It's not so much that part of it...as it is the assumption by someone else that I don't.

Because well...if I don't understand or get the fuss about something I'll say so. Sometimes I do *get* it...it's just not my thing...

Maybe I'm just splitting hairs.

Peace,
Kelly



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Marina DeLuca-Howard

If I am reading these two posts correctly they seem to be about semantics.

One person thinking *you don't get it* connotes an activity or idea* doesn't
resonate for you or holds no appeal. *The other meaning I am detecting for
*you don't get it* seems to be the message *you are lacking something
enabling you to appreciate this amazing thing*. Subtle, but still a
tangible difference.

One seems to imply a difference in taste that is validated or acceptable,
contrasted to the other meaning, which seems to be implying a hierarchy that
only validates those who get it.

Marina



--
Rent our cottage: http://davehoward.ca/cottage/


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deedeanne

I think I understand what you're saying here, as I saw how this phrase was used towards my son a few years back. He was showing his grandfather some skateboarding tricks that he was really excited about being able to accomplish. His grandfather shook his head, shrugged his shoulders and said, "I just don't get it." My son, who was about 14 at the time looked quite deflated. That comment said more than "I don't understand." It said "I don't want to understand." It shut down an opportunity for connection between the two of them.

That experience helped me to be really aware of how I respond to other people, especially my own kids, when they're telling me about something that matters to them. There are some things that I would never pursue in my wildest dreams, but I can appreciate another person's enthusiasm and interest for those things. I do that by listening and trying to understand what the appeal of something is to them. Instead of "I don't get it," I say something that conveys my appreciation of their point of view.

I have also been told, "You just don't get it." It was usually said out of frustration of the other person. They want me to understand something, or to share the experience of something that matters to them. It isn't always easy to demonstrate that you understand what someone is sharing and at the same time you don't share their views/opinions about it. People too often believe that their opinion of something is the only valid one, and if you "got it" you would think the same way.

Deanne



--- In [email protected], "Kelly Halldorson" <kelly@...> wrote:
>
> Sometimes it's not about *getting it* or not it's about agreeing with something or not. When we imply (or assume) that people don't understand a concept we close our own minds and miss out on an opportunity to better understand the person we are talking to. We miss out on an opportunity to connect and share thought.
>
> Peace,
> Kelly

Sandra Dodd

-=-Because well...if I don't understand or get the fuss about
something I'll say so. Sometimes I do *get* it...it's just not my
thing...

-=-Maybe I'm just splitting hairs. -=-

If you're saying that you "get it" about radical unschooling but it's
just not your thing, then this list isn't the place for you to express
yourself in hopes that others will also decide they get it (which they
won't) but it's not their thing (which it could be).

Discouragement is *everywhere.*
Help to unschool despite that discouragement is not.

Sandra




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Sandra Dodd

-=-If I am reading these two posts correctly they seem to be about
semantics.-=-

All discussion in words ends up being semantic.

This was about perceived put-down or disregard.

I need to be confident enough about my lack of interest in jazz that I
am fine with people saying I don't get it.
And then I need to stay out of jazz clubs, not hang out for hours
where people will have progressive jazz on as background music, and
not bitch and complain about jazz. That just makes me look churlish
and negative and whiney.

-=-One seems to imply a difference in taste that is validated or
acceptable,
contrasted to the other meaning, which seems to be implying a
hierarchy that
only validates those who get it.-=-

Like La Leche League? If someone comes to a meeting and brags up the
wonders of bottle feeding, she will not be validated. She will be
considered not to be getting it. And because the meetings exist to
help people breastfeed in a world of bottles, she will be discouraged
from continuing with that line of "advice."

Like Alcoholics Anonymous? If someone comes to a meeting and says
he's just drinking a little, but they're all judgmental if they won't
give him his five years chip anyway, he will not be validated, or
soothed, or supported. He will be considered not to get it and also
to be endangering the sobriety of those who heard him.

Sandra

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Marina DeLuca-Howard

>>I need to be confident enough about my lack of interest in jazz that I
am fine with people saying I don't get it.
And then I need to stay out of jazz clubs, not hang out for hours
where people will have progressive jazz on as background music, and
not bitch and complain about jazz. That just makes me look churlish
and negative and whiney.>>

Okay, when you explain it that way *I get it*. I also agree with your
definition:)

I remember that situation as a LL Leader: trying to politely say I am glad
the part time bottle feeding works for you, but we're an organization that
supports breastfeeding mothers. Information about bottlefeeding is
everywhere, so stopping that discussion was paramount, in a room of
sleep-deprived moms with cracked nipples :)

And the AA one is very very clear. Can't see any flaw in that logic.

Thanks for taking me from the abstract to the concrete. This list is about
how to unschool successfully and people casting aspersions on that would be
in the wrong place!

Sorry, if I made things more confusing:(

Marina


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Heather

Sandra Dodd wrote:
>
> //There is something about jazz I don't get. But my jazz-loving friends
> still like me (mostly).//
>
I never "got' jazz until my son started playing jazz, and I listened to
him talk about how it works. Now I am really impressed by jazz, and it
is a whole new dazzling world for me . This is one of those unexpected
outcomes of unschooling - discovering new things as my kids get
interested in them.

Heather in NY