need help problem solving
LydiaL
Hi, I am Lydia, mother of a one year old son and a two year old daughter. I have been reading this list voraciously since joining, and have been researching radical unschooling and trying to put the principles into practice since last July. Already I have seen amazing effects on my relationship with my kids, and I am hoping to start unschooling them once they reach school age.
I am writing because I am having difficulty finding solutions to some specific situations. I am hoping some of you more experienced unschoolers can help me find ways to deal with these.
One problem I am having is finding a good, peaceful way to deal with my daughter occasionally hitting, or biting, or suddenly striking my son. She tends to do this when he is competing with her for a toy, either one she has that he wants, or vice versa. She will often go from minor frustration, to suddenly lashing out. Sometimes, when I am right there, I do not have enough time to prevent the attack and don't even see it coming. Other times, I have been able to redirect the baby so he doesn't irritate his sister. Since I started reading unschooling lists, I have made a point of being really nearby more often, but there are times when I am not close enough (or aware enough) to keep my son from being hit or bitten, and there are also times when I just cannot act quickly enough. I am at a loss on what to say or how to respond to my daughter at these times. Usually what I do is pick up the baby and comfort him, and tell my daughter "NO! Don't hit your brother!" Sometimes I tell her to tell me if he is bothering her, and I will help, but I think she is too young for this to be effective.
Another situation that has been challenging is trying to get my daughter ready to leave when we are going somewhere, either for an appointment or just an outing that is more flexible. She does not like wearing clothes and I let her be naked most of the time at home, unless she is willing to get dressed. Of course if we are going out, she has to get dressed, and she often resists this. It usually takes about two (or more) hours of talking with her about leaving, making several attempts and requests for her to get dressed, reading a book while dressing her or putting on an episode of Sesame Street, etc. Reading all of this, I guess maybe I have answered my own question, because the problems usually arise when I have not left myself enough time or actively engaged her for long enough prior to leaving in the process. I am just wondering if there is an easier way to do this? I do not like forcing her into clothes, she has a total meltdown if I do, but there have been times when I started the preparation process with plenty of time (I thought) and she still wasn't ready to go by the time we needed to leave to be on time. I have started telling her we have to go about two hours before we really do so we have some give time for her to resist, and this is mostly, but not always, successful.
Another potential issue is that my daughter is a flower girl in my sister's wedding, which is in a month. Right now I very rarely comb her hair, because she hates it. Before I committed to trying to live in a more respectful way towards my daughter, my husband would comb Nisa's hair everyday, and she would scream for the duration of the combing, and I would either feel like jumping out of my skin or would just shut off to her misery and chalk it up to something that HAD to be done. I gave up doing it myself because I couldn't handle being responsible for her being so upset. We tried finding a way to comb her hair that she would be ok with, but nothing really worked consistently. Sometimes I finger comb her hair while nursing her, and just stop when she starts to fuss, or if I've gotten a lot of tangles out by finger combing and it's not too bad, I will brush it while nursing her, and that seems to be ok, but mostly I just don't comb it at all. I have to comb it for the wedding. Even with finger combing and brushing, I usually don't do the back of her hair b/c it is very tangled and she really doesn't tolerate me touching it at all. I am wondering if anyone has ideas on how to make this bearable. Right now I am planning to get in the habit of doing a bit each day, and I was also considering doing her hair while she is sleeping. She is a very heavy sleeper. But somehow this seems dishonest? I don't know if that makes sense. Kind of like hiding the vegetables in the food to get the kids to eat healthy.
The last thing is that our house has become a pretty big mess. I have never been a great housekeeper, although I am much more motivated to clean since having children. But now I am working really hard to meet their needs first, before working on the mess. This pretty much means I am always behind. My husband's parents are coming to visit next week, and I want the house to be cleaner than we usually keep it so they will be comfortable and also because I don't want to hear about how bad it is (and it is pretty bad) from them. I am looking for creative ways to either include my children in the cleaning, kind of like Sandra's idea to play "Land Before Time" on the dryer when doing laundry, or just ways to engage them and keep them in the room with me while I clean. I can sometimes wear the baby while I clean. But my daughter seems to need my attention a lot, unless she is watching Sesame Street. But I don't want to resort to just putting on lots of Sesame Street while I clean, because I know she would also enjoy doing things with me. And I tend to feel quite unsatisfied and disconnected when I spend a day like that, which I do sometimes in order to get us a bit more caught up in the clean-up. I am not yet at the level of creativity to just come up with ways to clean with them, at least not ways that don't end up creating even more messes. Although my ability to effortlessly come up with a peaceful, fun solution to a potential problem has been wowing my socks off lately.
I have to say a big thank you to all the parents who keep these lists going and keep me motivated to continue learning and growing and be a little better mom each day. I have a couple more questions, but will save them for another time b/c this is way too long already, I think.
Lydia K.
I am writing because I am having difficulty finding solutions to some specific situations. I am hoping some of you more experienced unschoolers can help me find ways to deal with these.
One problem I am having is finding a good, peaceful way to deal with my daughter occasionally hitting, or biting, or suddenly striking my son. She tends to do this when he is competing with her for a toy, either one she has that he wants, or vice versa. She will often go from minor frustration, to suddenly lashing out. Sometimes, when I am right there, I do not have enough time to prevent the attack and don't even see it coming. Other times, I have been able to redirect the baby so he doesn't irritate his sister. Since I started reading unschooling lists, I have made a point of being really nearby more often, but there are times when I am not close enough (or aware enough) to keep my son from being hit or bitten, and there are also times when I just cannot act quickly enough. I am at a loss on what to say or how to respond to my daughter at these times. Usually what I do is pick up the baby and comfort him, and tell my daughter "NO! Don't hit your brother!" Sometimes I tell her to tell me if he is bothering her, and I will help, but I think she is too young for this to be effective.
Another situation that has been challenging is trying to get my daughter ready to leave when we are going somewhere, either for an appointment or just an outing that is more flexible. She does not like wearing clothes and I let her be naked most of the time at home, unless she is willing to get dressed. Of course if we are going out, she has to get dressed, and she often resists this. It usually takes about two (or more) hours of talking with her about leaving, making several attempts and requests for her to get dressed, reading a book while dressing her or putting on an episode of Sesame Street, etc. Reading all of this, I guess maybe I have answered my own question, because the problems usually arise when I have not left myself enough time or actively engaged her for long enough prior to leaving in the process. I am just wondering if there is an easier way to do this? I do not like forcing her into clothes, she has a total meltdown if I do, but there have been times when I started the preparation process with plenty of time (I thought) and she still wasn't ready to go by the time we needed to leave to be on time. I have started telling her we have to go about two hours before we really do so we have some give time for her to resist, and this is mostly, but not always, successful.
Another potential issue is that my daughter is a flower girl in my sister's wedding, which is in a month. Right now I very rarely comb her hair, because she hates it. Before I committed to trying to live in a more respectful way towards my daughter, my husband would comb Nisa's hair everyday, and she would scream for the duration of the combing, and I would either feel like jumping out of my skin or would just shut off to her misery and chalk it up to something that HAD to be done. I gave up doing it myself because I couldn't handle being responsible for her being so upset. We tried finding a way to comb her hair that she would be ok with, but nothing really worked consistently. Sometimes I finger comb her hair while nursing her, and just stop when she starts to fuss, or if I've gotten a lot of tangles out by finger combing and it's not too bad, I will brush it while nursing her, and that seems to be ok, but mostly I just don't comb it at all. I have to comb it for the wedding. Even with finger combing and brushing, I usually don't do the back of her hair b/c it is very tangled and she really doesn't tolerate me touching it at all. I am wondering if anyone has ideas on how to make this bearable. Right now I am planning to get in the habit of doing a bit each day, and I was also considering doing her hair while she is sleeping. She is a very heavy sleeper. But somehow this seems dishonest? I don't know if that makes sense. Kind of like hiding the vegetables in the food to get the kids to eat healthy.
The last thing is that our house has become a pretty big mess. I have never been a great housekeeper, although I am much more motivated to clean since having children. But now I am working really hard to meet their needs first, before working on the mess. This pretty much means I am always behind. My husband's parents are coming to visit next week, and I want the house to be cleaner than we usually keep it so they will be comfortable and also because I don't want to hear about how bad it is (and it is pretty bad) from them. I am looking for creative ways to either include my children in the cleaning, kind of like Sandra's idea to play "Land Before Time" on the dryer when doing laundry, or just ways to engage them and keep them in the room with me while I clean. I can sometimes wear the baby while I clean. But my daughter seems to need my attention a lot, unless she is watching Sesame Street. But I don't want to resort to just putting on lots of Sesame Street while I clean, because I know she would also enjoy doing things with me. And I tend to feel quite unsatisfied and disconnected when I spend a day like that, which I do sometimes in order to get us a bit more caught up in the clean-up. I am not yet at the level of creativity to just come up with ways to clean with them, at least not ways that don't end up creating even more messes. Although my ability to effortlessly come up with a peaceful, fun solution to a potential problem has been wowing my socks off lately.
I have to say a big thank you to all the parents who keep these lists going and keep me motivated to continue learning and growing and be a little better mom each day. I have a couple more questions, but will save them for another time b/c this is way too long already, I think.
Lydia K.
Vidyut Kale
Hi,
I'm looking at the different threads started by you within a short span here
and on peaceful partnerships. Some things that occur to me:
- There seems to be a lot going on. I was feeling overwhelmed when I read
all the threads and tried to get a picture of where you were. I can only
imagine how difficult it is to be in the spot.
- It looks like the problems you are describing seem to have built to a
certain point, and you are now taking charge of your life so to say. Each of
them is challenging on its own, and together, they are going to be
overwhelming. I'd like to remind you to 'keep chipping away at what you can'
rather than get a laundry list and get paralyzed that everything seems to
need change. Don't give up, keep going, and don't expect things to change
overnight when they have built to this. In other words, keep doing stuff
without worrying about immediate results. Refine the process. Results are
bound to emerge when it gets absorbed in your life.
- I am no unschooling expert, and there is merit in addressing every
problem as you find it, but it does look like there are things happening in
every direction, so perhaps it may be important to prioritize and work on
some things before others to give yourself space to act.
- The clarity and awareness with which you describe each situation with
insight into yourself and others, as well as your transparency in stating
things as they are, without unnecessary shame or defences is something I see
very helpful to yourself and others that you are doing. It enables you to
express a very clear picture and the exact problem, including your own
resistances and dilemmas, which makes it very likely that you get relevant
help. Hang on to that. Use it to the max.
I have no clue on how to deal with individual issues, but I am able to
manage constant growth and change in my life with very little trauma, so I'm
sharing what occurs to me. Perhaps it may help, perhaps it is irrelevant. I
don't know.
Sometimes, I'm in a 'fixing myself' mood. This is great, because it gives me
the opportunity to really confront myself about things I've been intending
to be attentive to, but let slip. It is a great booster. An unfortunate side
effect of this is that in such a mood, I set about trying to fix absolutely
everything that has ever bothered me, including the safety pin that is
slightly crooked. It also makes me focus on everything that is a problem,
and makes things rather overwhelming, because I find it difficult to remain
aware of what is working to base my actions from.
In your place, I would probably go about it very clinically initially, till
I triggered my involvement and enthusiasm, but I'd try to see 'starting
points' for these various journeys. For example, daughter doesn't wear
clothes. Is there anything at all she loves to wear? What is it that she
likes about being nude? Has she found joy in situations when she was dressed
and involved in something? How can I begin to build bridges of acceptance?
Once I got a more realistic picture of where I was, which included what *
exists* to balance the infinite that is always missing, I felt empowered to
travel toward what I wanted, because I now had a starting 'location' to
anchor that 'desired destination' and begin acting from.
Don't know if this makes sense. Sharing in the hope that if it does, great.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'm looking at the different threads started by you within a short span here
and on peaceful partnerships. Some things that occur to me:
- There seems to be a lot going on. I was feeling overwhelmed when I read
all the threads and tried to get a picture of where you were. I can only
imagine how difficult it is to be in the spot.
- It looks like the problems you are describing seem to have built to a
certain point, and you are now taking charge of your life so to say. Each of
them is challenging on its own, and together, they are going to be
overwhelming. I'd like to remind you to 'keep chipping away at what you can'
rather than get a laundry list and get paralyzed that everything seems to
need change. Don't give up, keep going, and don't expect things to change
overnight when they have built to this. In other words, keep doing stuff
without worrying about immediate results. Refine the process. Results are
bound to emerge when it gets absorbed in your life.
- I am no unschooling expert, and there is merit in addressing every
problem as you find it, but it does look like there are things happening in
every direction, so perhaps it may be important to prioritize and work on
some things before others to give yourself space to act.
- The clarity and awareness with which you describe each situation with
insight into yourself and others, as well as your transparency in stating
things as they are, without unnecessary shame or defences is something I see
very helpful to yourself and others that you are doing. It enables you to
express a very clear picture and the exact problem, including your own
resistances and dilemmas, which makes it very likely that you get relevant
help. Hang on to that. Use it to the max.
I have no clue on how to deal with individual issues, but I am able to
manage constant growth and change in my life with very little trauma, so I'm
sharing what occurs to me. Perhaps it may help, perhaps it is irrelevant. I
don't know.
Sometimes, I'm in a 'fixing myself' mood. This is great, because it gives me
the opportunity to really confront myself about things I've been intending
to be attentive to, but let slip. It is a great booster. An unfortunate side
effect of this is that in such a mood, I set about trying to fix absolutely
everything that has ever bothered me, including the safety pin that is
slightly crooked. It also makes me focus on everything that is a problem,
and makes things rather overwhelming, because I find it difficult to remain
aware of what is working to base my actions from.
In your place, I would probably go about it very clinically initially, till
I triggered my involvement and enthusiasm, but I'd try to see 'starting
points' for these various journeys. For example, daughter doesn't wear
clothes. Is there anything at all she loves to wear? What is it that she
likes about being nude? Has she found joy in situations when she was dressed
and involved in something? How can I begin to build bridges of acceptance?
Once I got a more realistic picture of where I was, which included what *
exists* to balance the infinite that is always missing, I felt empowered to
travel toward what I wanted, because I now had a starting 'location' to
anchor that 'desired destination' and begin acting from.
Don't know if this makes sense. Sharing in the hope that if it does, great.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- Usually what I do is pick up the baby and comfort him, and tell my
daughter "NO! Don't hit your brother!"-=-
I used to say "Owie! That hurts. Poor Marty," or something instead
of "NO! Don't" I would speak the words that kind of covered Marty's
response if he could talk, and the compassionate response that Kirby
was too little to speak.
-=-Sometimes I tell her to tell me if he is bothering her, and I will
help, but I think she is too young for this to be effective. -=-
Can you carry the baby more, or hold him while you play with her?
Keeping them where they can see each other but not need to report the
other's doings would lead to more safety and peace.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
daughter "NO! Don't hit your brother!"-=-
I used to say "Owie! That hurts. Poor Marty," or something instead
of "NO! Don't" I would speak the words that kind of covered Marty's
response if he could talk, and the compassionate response that Kirby
was too little to speak.
-=-Sometimes I tell her to tell me if he is bothering her, and I will
help, but I think she is too young for this to be effective. -=-
Can you carry the baby more, or hold him while you play with her?
Keeping them where they can see each other but not need to report the
other's doings would lead to more safety and peace.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I do not like forcing her into clothes, she has a total meltdown if
I do-=-
One minor practicality about putting clothes on is if they don't have
to be pulled over the head it can be less scary and irritating. And
if you reach in the sleeve and hold her hand, or stick your finger in
so she can hold her finger, as she pulls the sleeve on, that doesn't
seem like force.
-=. She does not like wearing clothes and I let her be naked most of
the time at home, unless she is willing to get dressed.-=-
Marty did well with a tiger costume when he was really little. Not
the head part, but the zip-up flannel tiger-stripe cloth body suit.
Wore it nearly all the time. Maybe you could find a costume she
likes, or make something from an animal costume pattern, if you can
sew. Or pay someone to make one if you can't sew, maybe. Look in
thrift stores when it's nearly Halloween and there will probably be
other people's outgrown homemade "tiger suits."
-=-Of course if we are going out, she has to get dressed, and she
often resists this. -=-
This won't change the situations, but it might be a breakthrough in
your own view of the world and your place in it, and your power to
think and decide:
Avoid "of course." Avoid writing it, avoid thinking it.
Weed out "has to." Everything is a choice. She's choosing not to
get dressed willingly. You're choosing to see it as something she
"has to do."
http://sandradodd.com/haveto
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I do-=-
One minor practicality about putting clothes on is if they don't have
to be pulled over the head it can be less scary and irritating. And
if you reach in the sleeve and hold her hand, or stick your finger in
so she can hold her finger, as she pulls the sleeve on, that doesn't
seem like force.
-=. She does not like wearing clothes and I let her be naked most of
the time at home, unless she is willing to get dressed.-=-
Marty did well with a tiger costume when he was really little. Not
the head part, but the zip-up flannel tiger-stripe cloth body suit.
Wore it nearly all the time. Maybe you could find a costume she
likes, or make something from an animal costume pattern, if you can
sew. Or pay someone to make one if you can't sew, maybe. Look in
thrift stores when it's nearly Halloween and there will probably be
other people's outgrown homemade "tiger suits."
-=-Of course if we are going out, she has to get dressed, and she
often resists this. -=-
This won't change the situations, but it might be a breakthrough in
your own view of the world and your place in it, and your power to
think and decide:
Avoid "of course." Avoid writing it, avoid thinking it.
Weed out "has to." Everything is a choice. She's choosing not to
get dressed willingly. You're choosing to see it as something she
"has to do."
http://sandradodd.com/haveto
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kristi
Hi Lydia,
Instead of "No!" you can provide concise information, "Hitting hurts!" When my kids were younger and fought (and even now...they are just a bit older, though), I acknowledge the feelings first, provide simple information, "hitting hurts," or "biting hurts," and help them to find a solution. Your kids are still pretty little so reaching a solution might not mean anything for them yet, but it doesn't hurt to start practicing early! I ask them, "would you like me to help you work this out?" and often they say no because negotiating, creative bargaining, and complex trades often seem to be part of their process. Sometimes they say yes. Sometimes I say, "I think you can work this out, but if you'd like me to help you I'm right here."
Years ago I read an interview with Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and he said one of the best fan letters he received was from a mother of a 2-yr old who changed their song to "Gimme your arm, gimme your arm, gimme your arm now! Gimme your leg, gimme your leg, gimme your leg now!" to help her daughter get dressed. I thought that was pretty clever and apparently the kid loved it.
Instead of "No!" you can provide concise information, "Hitting hurts!" When my kids were younger and fought (and even now...they are just a bit older, though), I acknowledge the feelings first, provide simple information, "hitting hurts," or "biting hurts," and help them to find a solution. Your kids are still pretty little so reaching a solution might not mean anything for them yet, but it doesn't hurt to start practicing early! I ask them, "would you like me to help you work this out?" and often they say no because negotiating, creative bargaining, and complex trades often seem to be part of their process. Sometimes they say yes. Sometimes I say, "I think you can work this out, but if you'd like me to help you I'm right here."
>>> Another situation that has been challenging is trying to get my daughter ready to leave...Of course if we are going out, she has to get dressed, and she often resists this.<<<Does she need to be fully dressed? Can you throw on a robe or a coat, and have her clothes with you? Sometimes my girls are in sundresses and sandals and it's blizzarding outside. I pack the warm clothes, jackets, and snow boots in a bag and we pile into the car. They know I have the warm stuff, and they are happy they weren't nagged for hours about putting on the "right" clothes. A friend of mine had a 3 yr old that refused to put on pants or skirts for a year. It was not surprising to see them out and about with a snuggly, green, down jacket and underpants. Occasionally her daughter chose to wear swim bottoms.
Years ago I read an interview with Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and he said one of the best fan letters he received was from a mother of a 2-yr old who changed their song to "Gimme your arm, gimme your arm, gimme your arm now! Gimme your leg, gimme your leg, gimme your leg now!" to help her daughter get dressed. I thought that was pretty clever and apparently the kid loved it.
>>>I was also considering doing her hair while she is sleeping. She is a very heavy sleeper. But somehow this seems dishonest? <<<My oldest has really curly hair, and it gets pretty tangled up. I get a small amount of conditioner and rub it into the dry, tangled hair and the tangles come out really easy. There are also spray-in detanglers you can use on wet or dry hair. Personally, I don't think doing it while sleeping is dishonest or trickery. I cut my kids fingernails while they were asleep for years. Maybe thinking of it as a stress-free solution might help.
>>> The last thing is that our house has become a pretty big mess.<<<Can your partner or someone play with the kids for a little bit so you can tackle the big parts? For the little bits, maybe a damp rag for your daughter to wipe down cabinets or chairs or windows? Maybe pretend you're housekeepers in a hotel and have them help pile all the laundry together for the wash? My girls love to pretend they are maids, and will get little wagons to pull around full of paper towels and damp rags, and "green" cleaning solutions. They'll put out fresh toilet paper rolls, wash the windows they can reach, wipe off cabinet doors, clean those sticky juice stains off the floor, scrub the toilet bowl, and do quite a lot to help. They enjoy it a lot too.
Robyn Coburn
Well here I come with my dd's famous "hair wads" story, but before I tell
you about that....
Starting with the last mentioned - if you can at all afford it, just this
once for the visitors, hire a maid for a day to do the big cleaning work -
vacuuming, the bathrooms, the kitchen floor - so that all you have to do is
prep by putting away the toys and stuff. Put out games on a blanket that you
can tidy by picking up the four corners and into the toy box.
When Jayn was little, I used "state and wait" for getting out the door. I
would allow a lot more time for the process, as you have discovered, and I
would practice concious patience. Time can be so subjective. It can feel
like you are waiting for 10 minutes, but lo the clock shows only 2 have
passed. However the other side of this is to only insist on leaving for
things that are urgent and essential - an unchangeable doctor's appointment,
the last bus home, a departing plane, and sometimes, leaving the park at the
end of the day.
The other assumption here, is that this exit is not a surprise. I'm in no
way recommending springing something on her. The fact that you would be
leaving for this particular reason at a particular time should have been
canvassed more than once earlier, including a reasonable fair warning. The
clock has no meaning for a person this young. I would tie our departure to
things like "at the end of this episode" or "as long as two episodes of
Raven" or "when you have danced that two more times". Something concrete and
relevant to her.
"State and Wait" meant stating that "it is time to go" and then waiting
ready by the door (or the car), and refusing to be drawn in to any of the
distracting, delaying strategies that Jayn would employ. "Yes it is fun to
play dolls, but now it's time to go." "Yes we can come back, but now it's
time to go". "I know, but now it's time to go".
Very few words. No conversation. No reasoning, no pleading. Nothing to
interest her, no engagement from you until she is coming out the door. Jayn
would say "no" a few times, then suddenly be ready to go, happily and I'd be
running down the stairs after her.
In considering clothing, in your place I would spend a lot of time when it
is not urgent discovering the clothes that your daughter finds comfortable.
It might be that she wears the same one or two or three garments all the
time. Don't get caught up in seasons, just tote along a jacket or sweater.
Find things that she can put on in the car if she likes. Are her regular
clothes scratchy? Do they have labels that bug her? Would she be happier in
a loose, sleeveless shift dress? Jayn is a huge wearer of soft pants
and tank tops - any time of the year - and her favorite footwear is flip
flops most of the time.
I'm going to go right out on a limb here, based again on my experience with
Jayn, and her particular sensitivities. She's only 2. Your daughter may be
too young to be a happy flower girl.
I'm sure you and your sister have delightful visions of how enormously cute
your little sweetie would look toddling down the aisle, clutching a basket,
possibly tossing the petals.
How is she in crowds? How is she in large, echoey spaces like a church? How
willing will she be to get dressed into something as complicated and fancy
as flower girl dresses generally are? How willing and able will she be to
stand still by the altar, or even sit still nearby, during the ceremony?
Jayn was supposed to be a flower girl, when she was 6. She liked her dress,
she liked looking like a princess, and she loved the flower crown I made for
her. I worked out how to pull her hair back so that the ribbons on the
flower crown hid her little tangle. She wanted to do it.
She couldn't even walk into the church without a huge fear reaction at the
rehearsal! She found the EMPTY church too big and scary, let alone one full
of people. She was terrified of the space itself. She found movies hard too,
and we would always sit right by the door. I gave her plenty of
opportunities to change her mind, but she just couldn't do it. She was
already uncomfortable meeting all the new people at the couple of different
events beforehand.
So I apologized to the bride. There were some rumblings about if the 8yo boy
who was the ring bearer could do it, why couldn't Jayn, from some other
members of the bridal party, but I said something about different
temperaments and the enormous difference 2 years can make, and my dear
friend the bride was totally understanding. Jayn told her that she was her
flower girl in her heart just not at the wedding.
Anyway, just be sure your dd can cope with it. And be ready for a possible
reaction after to the stress.
Now - on to the tangled hair.
From her toddlerhood my dd hated having her hair combed or brushed. She was
almost bald until she was 2.5, and then her hair came in very fine and curly
and got into a tangle just from being looked at. She was so against her hair
being brushed, and so much in the water from an early age, that I just let
it go. The result was that she ended up with a pretty solid wad of hair,
like a giant dreadlock. It bothered me slightly when I thought about other
people's judgements, but she was so young and cute and it really didn't
matter much.
Came a day, it was a July 4th and she said "let's cut it off". So we did.
The hair under was mucky, but in pretty good condition once washed out. The
wad was like felt. (We still have it in a bag). I believe she was 6 (it was
shortly after the wedding thing) and as it turned out, I was very glad. She
had to have some big dental work - another oft told story - and I thought
that an untended cavity combined with bad hair might have raised flags. But
as it was, all was well.
A couple of months later, Jayn started neglecting brushing her hair and
refusing to let me do it very often. I talked to her about it, and she
revealed that she missed her wad. She felt that it was part of her, made her
special and unique, and she wanted it back. So we let it come back. This
time it seemed to take a very short time to be back as a big, old wad of
felt again.
Then again she decided to cut it off, some time before her dance recital.
And here she is, a year later with sweet, wavy, thick hair just like her
dad's, that she brushes every couple of days. Finally the short bits that
were where the wad was close to her scalp are grown out. She has bleached it
blond, and is letting that grow out too.
So when after a few days it will get a few tangles, our technique for
getting them out, is that we put on a tv show, I stand behind her with the
comb and spray on detangler/leave in conditioner, and I work on one part
gently pulling from the tangle ONE HAIR AT A TIME - that is the key - then
when she is too irritated, I move to another part of her head - one hair at
a time and lots of spraying. This happens more and more rarely.
I was uncomfortable with her having a wad at the age of 8 - and a tall 8 at
that (empathy for the person with the extra tall son) - because I knew it
made me look like a neglectful mother. James had to remind me to stop
nervously stroking at it (which just drew more attention to it and certainly
didn't make it look better.)
But I was also able to tell anyone who asked her whole story - and how she
wanted, really wanted it that way, it was her choice because it made her
feel special, that I supported her and that I knew it would only be
temporary. Then we saw a guy in the street with a well tended wad that
reached his ankles in back. Fascinating, and he must have been growing it
for years and years - so anything could have been possible.
After all, it was only hair. We have that second wad in a bag too. Perhaps
one day we can use it as fertilizer if we ever have a real garden. I gather
it will deter deer from eating your veges (or is that a myth?)
It's just not worth a fight. It's only hair, and eventually she will want it
combed.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
you about that....
Starting with the last mentioned - if you can at all afford it, just this
once for the visitors, hire a maid for a day to do the big cleaning work -
vacuuming, the bathrooms, the kitchen floor - so that all you have to do is
prep by putting away the toys and stuff. Put out games on a blanket that you
can tidy by picking up the four corners and into the toy box.
When Jayn was little, I used "state and wait" for getting out the door. I
would allow a lot more time for the process, as you have discovered, and I
would practice concious patience. Time can be so subjective. It can feel
like you are waiting for 10 minutes, but lo the clock shows only 2 have
passed. However the other side of this is to only insist on leaving for
things that are urgent and essential - an unchangeable doctor's appointment,
the last bus home, a departing plane, and sometimes, leaving the park at the
end of the day.
The other assumption here, is that this exit is not a surprise. I'm in no
way recommending springing something on her. The fact that you would be
leaving for this particular reason at a particular time should have been
canvassed more than once earlier, including a reasonable fair warning. The
clock has no meaning for a person this young. I would tie our departure to
things like "at the end of this episode" or "as long as two episodes of
Raven" or "when you have danced that two more times". Something concrete and
relevant to her.
"State and Wait" meant stating that "it is time to go" and then waiting
ready by the door (or the car), and refusing to be drawn in to any of the
distracting, delaying strategies that Jayn would employ. "Yes it is fun to
play dolls, but now it's time to go." "Yes we can come back, but now it's
time to go". "I know, but now it's time to go".
Very few words. No conversation. No reasoning, no pleading. Nothing to
interest her, no engagement from you until she is coming out the door. Jayn
would say "no" a few times, then suddenly be ready to go, happily and I'd be
running down the stairs after her.
In considering clothing, in your place I would spend a lot of time when it
is not urgent discovering the clothes that your daughter finds comfortable.
It might be that she wears the same one or two or three garments all the
time. Don't get caught up in seasons, just tote along a jacket or sweater.
Find things that she can put on in the car if she likes. Are her regular
clothes scratchy? Do they have labels that bug her? Would she be happier in
a loose, sleeveless shift dress? Jayn is a huge wearer of soft pants
and tank tops - any time of the year - and her favorite footwear is flip
flops most of the time.
I'm going to go right out on a limb here, based again on my experience with
Jayn, and her particular sensitivities. She's only 2. Your daughter may be
too young to be a happy flower girl.
I'm sure you and your sister have delightful visions of how enormously cute
your little sweetie would look toddling down the aisle, clutching a basket,
possibly tossing the petals.
How is she in crowds? How is she in large, echoey spaces like a church? How
willing will she be to get dressed into something as complicated and fancy
as flower girl dresses generally are? How willing and able will she be to
stand still by the altar, or even sit still nearby, during the ceremony?
Jayn was supposed to be a flower girl, when she was 6. She liked her dress,
she liked looking like a princess, and she loved the flower crown I made for
her. I worked out how to pull her hair back so that the ribbons on the
flower crown hid her little tangle. She wanted to do it.
She couldn't even walk into the church without a huge fear reaction at the
rehearsal! She found the EMPTY church too big and scary, let alone one full
of people. She was terrified of the space itself. She found movies hard too,
and we would always sit right by the door. I gave her plenty of
opportunities to change her mind, but she just couldn't do it. She was
already uncomfortable meeting all the new people at the couple of different
events beforehand.
So I apologized to the bride. There were some rumblings about if the 8yo boy
who was the ring bearer could do it, why couldn't Jayn, from some other
members of the bridal party, but I said something about different
temperaments and the enormous difference 2 years can make, and my dear
friend the bride was totally understanding. Jayn told her that she was her
flower girl in her heart just not at the wedding.
Anyway, just be sure your dd can cope with it. And be ready for a possible
reaction after to the stress.
Now - on to the tangled hair.
From her toddlerhood my dd hated having her hair combed or brushed. She was
almost bald until she was 2.5, and then her hair came in very fine and curly
and got into a tangle just from being looked at. She was so against her hair
being brushed, and so much in the water from an early age, that I just let
it go. The result was that she ended up with a pretty solid wad of hair,
like a giant dreadlock. It bothered me slightly when I thought about other
people's judgements, but she was so young and cute and it really didn't
matter much.
Came a day, it was a July 4th and she said "let's cut it off". So we did.
The hair under was mucky, but in pretty good condition once washed out. The
wad was like felt. (We still have it in a bag). I believe she was 6 (it was
shortly after the wedding thing) and as it turned out, I was very glad. She
had to have some big dental work - another oft told story - and I thought
that an untended cavity combined with bad hair might have raised flags. But
as it was, all was well.
A couple of months later, Jayn started neglecting brushing her hair and
refusing to let me do it very often. I talked to her about it, and she
revealed that she missed her wad. She felt that it was part of her, made her
special and unique, and she wanted it back. So we let it come back. This
time it seemed to take a very short time to be back as a big, old wad of
felt again.
Then again she decided to cut it off, some time before her dance recital.
And here she is, a year later with sweet, wavy, thick hair just like her
dad's, that she brushes every couple of days. Finally the short bits that
were where the wad was close to her scalp are grown out. She has bleached it
blond, and is letting that grow out too.
So when after a few days it will get a few tangles, our technique for
getting them out, is that we put on a tv show, I stand behind her with the
comb and spray on detangler/leave in conditioner, and I work on one part
gently pulling from the tangle ONE HAIR AT A TIME - that is the key - then
when she is too irritated, I move to another part of her head - one hair at
a time and lots of spraying. This happens more and more rarely.
I was uncomfortable with her having a wad at the age of 8 - and a tall 8 at
that (empathy for the person with the extra tall son) - because I knew it
made me look like a neglectful mother. James had to remind me to stop
nervously stroking at it (which just drew more attention to it and certainly
didn't make it look better.)
But I was also able to tell anyone who asked her whole story - and how she
wanted, really wanted it that way, it was her choice because it made her
feel special, that I supported her and that I knew it would only be
temporary. Then we saw a guy in the street with a well tended wad that
reached his ankles in back. Fascinating, and he must have been growing it
for years and years - so anything could have been possible.
After all, it was only hair. We have that second wad in a bag too. Perhaps
one day we can use it as fertilizer if we ever have a real garden. I gather
it will deter deer from eating your veges (or is that a myth?)
It's just not worth a fight. It's only hair, and eventually she will want it
combed.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***I am at a loss on what to say or how to respond to my daughter at these times. Usually what I do is pick up the baby and comfort him, and tell my daughter "NO! Don't hit your brother!" Sometimes I tell her to tell me if he is bothering her, and I will help, but I think she is too young for this to be effective. ***
My kids are much farther apart in age so I didn't ever deal with this, BUT, when my youngest was little, she went through a biting and hitting phase, which I think is fairly normal and common. Since she was doing this to an 8/9 yr old, my response was to pick up the one who was doing the hitting and biting. That seemed to work very well. It occured to me that you could perhaps try picking up the one doing the hitting and biting first, give that one some security and comfort and block hands and mouth and work with that child to diffuse the situation, THEN pick up the baby, who is probably crying, or maybe already calmed down and back to playing.
***I am wondering if anyone has ideas on how to make this bearable. Right now I am planning to get in the habit of doing a bit each day, and I was also considering doing her hair while she is sleeping. She is a very heavy sleeper. But somehow this seems dishonest? ***
I don't know if making a habit of something your child hates is the direction to go. If you think she'll stay asleep while you comb out her tangles, that seems to be a wonderful solution. She'll wake up with magically untangled hair and won't ever have to think about or worry about someone touching her hair. For the wedding, if you can't get to her hair before it comes, perhaps tie it up in a loose bun and put a pretty hat on over all the tangles, or some pretty, but big ribbons that cover it all up.
***But I don't want to resort to just putting on lots of Sesame Street while I clean, because I know she would also enjoy doing things with me. And I tend to feel quite unsatisfied and disconnected when I spend a day like that, which I do sometimes in order to get us a bit more caught up in the clean-up. I am not yet at the level of creativity to just come up with ways to clean with them, at least not ways that don't end up creating even more messes.***
There are 2 issues with cleaning. The first has to do with regular maintenance and the second has to do with guests. For guests, what I do, is prioritize what will be most important to have clean. The place in which the guests will sleep needs to be clean with clean bedding and non cluttered, floor and surfaces. The bathrooms that will be used should be cleaned, and the kitchen and eating areas should be cleaned up a bit, and the rest is general pick up. Those things, depending on how regular household maintenance happens, should take 2-4 hrs. I usually do it in 2, 2 hr segments. When you break it down in small chunks with specific things to do, it can be done really quickly. Bathrooms can be cleaned while little ones are in the tub taking a bath, and showers can be scrubbed quite quickly while one is taking a shower. It literally takes less than 5 min to scrub a toilet and wipe down counters. While you are brushing your teeth, wipe
down a mirror.
For general maintenance, I've never had a problem letting my kids occupy themselves with watching something they love, while I take 15-20 min to do some quick kitchen clean up, especially if I can see them and am in the same room. With little ones, cleaning while they eat has always worked well for me. Laundry has always happened while playing around with my kids.
A lot of people have recommended fly lady over the years, but I've never taken the time to check her out. I think one of the ideas she uses is the 10 min cleaning method. Focus on one thing for 10 min, then stop. It's kind of like what I do anyway. I honestly don't care so much about how clean my house is, I mostly only care when the carpets get too messy and I need to vacuum. Then I spend time to pick up so that I can vacuum. That happens about once a week.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My kids are much farther apart in age so I didn't ever deal with this, BUT, when my youngest was little, she went through a biting and hitting phase, which I think is fairly normal and common. Since she was doing this to an 8/9 yr old, my response was to pick up the one who was doing the hitting and biting. That seemed to work very well. It occured to me that you could perhaps try picking up the one doing the hitting and biting first, give that one some security and comfort and block hands and mouth and work with that child to diffuse the situation, THEN pick up the baby, who is probably crying, or maybe already calmed down and back to playing.
***I am wondering if anyone has ideas on how to make this bearable. Right now I am planning to get in the habit of doing a bit each day, and I was also considering doing her hair while she is sleeping. She is a very heavy sleeper. But somehow this seems dishonest? ***
I don't know if making a habit of something your child hates is the direction to go. If you think she'll stay asleep while you comb out her tangles, that seems to be a wonderful solution. She'll wake up with magically untangled hair and won't ever have to think about or worry about someone touching her hair. For the wedding, if you can't get to her hair before it comes, perhaps tie it up in a loose bun and put a pretty hat on over all the tangles, or some pretty, but big ribbons that cover it all up.
***But I don't want to resort to just putting on lots of Sesame Street while I clean, because I know she would also enjoy doing things with me. And I tend to feel quite unsatisfied and disconnected when I spend a day like that, which I do sometimes in order to get us a bit more caught up in the clean-up. I am not yet at the level of creativity to just come up with ways to clean with them, at least not ways that don't end up creating even more messes.***
There are 2 issues with cleaning. The first has to do with regular maintenance and the second has to do with guests. For guests, what I do, is prioritize what will be most important to have clean. The place in which the guests will sleep needs to be clean with clean bedding and non cluttered, floor and surfaces. The bathrooms that will be used should be cleaned, and the kitchen and eating areas should be cleaned up a bit, and the rest is general pick up. Those things, depending on how regular household maintenance happens, should take 2-4 hrs. I usually do it in 2, 2 hr segments. When you break it down in small chunks with specific things to do, it can be done really quickly. Bathrooms can be cleaned while little ones are in the tub taking a bath, and showers can be scrubbed quite quickly while one is taking a shower. It literally takes less than 5 min to scrub a toilet and wipe down counters. While you are brushing your teeth, wipe
down a mirror.
For general maintenance, I've never had a problem letting my kids occupy themselves with watching something they love, while I take 15-20 min to do some quick kitchen clean up, especially if I can see them and am in the same room. With little ones, cleaning while they eat has always worked well for me. Laundry has always happened while playing around with my kids.
A lot of people have recommended fly lady over the years, but I've never taken the time to check her out. I think one of the ideas she uses is the 10 min cleaning method. Focus on one thing for 10 min, then stop. It's kind of like what I do anyway. I honestly don't care so much about how clean my house is, I mostly only care when the carpets get too messy and I need to vacuum. Then I spend time to pick up so that I can vacuum. That happens about once a week.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=->>>I was also considering doing her hair while she is sleeping. She
is a very heavy sleeper. But somehow this seems dishonest? <<<
-=-My oldest has really curly hair, and it gets pretty tangled up. I
get a small amount of conditioner and rub it into the dry, tangled
hair and the tangles come out really easy. There are also spray-in
detanglers you can use on wet or dry hair. Personally, I don't think
doing it while sleeping is dishonest or trickery. I cut my kids
fingernails while they were asleep for years. Maybe thinking of it as
a stress-free solution might help.-=-
A couple of times I cut Kirby's hair while he was asleep. One side,
and then when he turned, naturally after a while, I cut the other side.
Nothing short or fancy, just to get it out of his eyes. He was two or
three.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
is a very heavy sleeper. But somehow this seems dishonest? <<<
-=-My oldest has really curly hair, and it gets pretty tangled up. I
get a small amount of conditioner and rub it into the dry, tangled
hair and the tangles come out really easy. There are also spray-in
detanglers you can use on wet or dry hair. Personally, I don't think
doing it while sleeping is dishonest or trickery. I cut my kids
fingernails while they were asleep for years. Maybe thinking of it as
a stress-free solution might help.-=-
A couple of times I cut Kirby's hair while he was asleep. One side,
and then when he turned, naturally after a while, I cut the other side.
Nothing short or fancy, just to get it out of his eyes. He was two or
three.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn Coburn
Just to clarify or add to my story, I have tried to detangle Jayn's hair
while she slept - recently, not when she was intentionally "wadding" her
hair. She doesn't sleep deeply enough. She woke up, very annoyed. She made
me promise not to do that anymore. YMMV.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
while she slept - recently, not when she was intentionally "wadding" her
hair. She doesn't sleep deeply enough. She woke up, very annoyed. She made
me promise not to do that anymore. YMMV.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
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Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
Karl sleeps pretty deeply now (he's awake longer hours) but when he was
younger, he slept pretty light. I have tried cutting his nails as he slept
but it was a no go. Our solution for nails is still for his dad to cut them.
He says it tickles when I do it and I just can't cut wiggly fingernails. :)
I did cut his bangs while he slept when he was still afraid of the scissors.
These days he's fine with them but he still just wants me to cut bangs only.
And he doesn't like me to comb/brush it. So when he showers (our tub is out
of order) I use tons of conditioner and fingerbrush as I massage it through,
so that his hair gets detangled every once in a while. And he does want it
not to be tangled so...
~Katherine
younger, he slept pretty light. I have tried cutting his nails as he slept
but it was a no go. Our solution for nails is still for his dad to cut them.
He says it tickles when I do it and I just can't cut wiggly fingernails. :)
I did cut his bangs while he slept when he was still afraid of the scissors.
These days he's fine with them but he still just wants me to cut bangs only.
And he doesn't like me to comb/brush it. So when he showers (our tub is out
of order) I use tons of conditioner and fingerbrush as I massage it through,
so that his hair gets detangled every once in a while. And he does want it
not to be tangled so...
~Katherine
On Tue, Feb 23, 2010 at 10:37 PM, Robyn Coburn <dezignarob@...> wrote:
> Just to clarify or add to my story, I have tried to detangle Jayn's hair
> while she slept - recently, not when she was intentionally "wadding" her
> hair. She doesn't sleep deeply enough. She woke up, very annoyed. She made
> me promise not to do that anymore. YMMV.
>
> Robyn L. Coburn
> www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nancy Machaj
Hi! Im a long time reader (4 years I think) and finally a question I
can answer with personal experience! My children are 6 and 2.5 and
Ive dealt (deal with) these types of situations.
**
One problem I am having is finding a good, peaceful way to deal with
my daughter occasionally hitting, or biting, or suddenly striking my
son.
**
One thing I say is, "I cant let you hurt X" wether its me, the baby
or the cat or whoever. I scoop up whoever is closest, needs it most,
and say firmly but gently, I cant let you hurt baby. Or I tell the
baby I cant let him hurt me, say when he tries to pick at my moles
(agh!)
I have a lot of short, stock phrases that my kids know what I mean
when I say them. "I need to keep everybody safe!" "gentle touches!"
"trade!" (means offer the baby a trade before you take what he has)
Too many words get too wordy :) I also try to give words to what the
child might be feeling. "its hard to wait" "you want it!" "you are
mad!" (I make sure my tone sounds warm and friendly or appropriate
to whatever is going on, not patronizing or with anger)
article on playing together
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles/policies-that-work-well-
when-children-play-together.html
writings on sharing
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000047.htm
http://www.joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/
sharing.html
With regards to clothing, boy howdy, do I have experience with kids
not wanting to wear clothes.
For one winter, we literally would just wrap my 2 year old in a
blanket and carry her from the car to the indoors. She refused to
wear sleeves of any type, including in a coat. She often exclusively
wore a tank topped/shorts leotard. In winter. In Chicago. No shoes.
She never got frostbite or pnemonia or anything. We just did not do
outdoor activities. The following winter, facing the same scene, I
sewed her a cloak. I lined it with fleece so it was two layers with a
hood. She wore it fine. It was great because it wrapped around her in
the car and it was soft, no seams, no sleeves. We got the kind of
boots that had fleecey lining so she was fine without socks. She
still often had shorts and a tank top underneath, but she was warm
enough.
Although we do have cold winters, our condo temperature is very warm.
We have radiator heat and even though we rarely (if ever) actually
turn our heat on, its about 75 degrees in here. We often wear shorts
and bare feet inside during the winter. Is it any wonder that my
daughter never wants to get bundled up inside before we go out? It
probably doesnt make any sense to her at all. Even last year, when
she was 5 we often just took all the clothes and stuff downstairs to
the door by the parking lot, where it is actually chilly. Then she
would put on her boots and cloak.
I would always take extra clothes with us, if I suspected she would
become cold later. But, she does really seem to run hot, like her
dad. We get comments almost every day "isnt she cold?" etc, but if
she is, she really does put on m0re stuff.
I also think in the winter, when its cold, and darker, there is more
of a natural tendency to want to stay in, stay home, hibernate. We do
try to limit our obligations in the winter to cut down on the
arguments against leaving :) Sometimes it seems its actually all
about the transition, and once we get in the car, the clothes that
were "biting her" and the shoes that were "burning on fire" are all
totally fine. Sometimes she changes in the car into warmer/different
attire.
some people recommended massage or skin brushing before getting
dressed (parent doing to child) and that did seem to help sometimes,
but I confess I am terrible about those sorts of habits and we never
did it all that regularly.
as for hair, I dont know how long it is, but what about a short
style? my daughter has never wanted any barrettes, pony tails,
braids, or combing or brushing, so we have kept it fairly short. my
hair is short (very) so I guess it seems normal to her, too. I have
explained to her that part of having longer hair means that you have
to take care of it. like washing and combing. detangle spray and
reallly wide tooth combs help.
hope this has been helpful.
Nancy
--
Nancy & dh Buzz
dd Zibby 2-16-04, Henry 9-14-07
chicago, il, usa
http://happychildhood.homeschooljournal.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
can answer with personal experience! My children are 6 and 2.5 and
Ive dealt (deal with) these types of situations.
**
One problem I am having is finding a good, peaceful way to deal with
my daughter occasionally hitting, or biting, or suddenly striking my
son.
**
One thing I say is, "I cant let you hurt X" wether its me, the baby
or the cat or whoever. I scoop up whoever is closest, needs it most,
and say firmly but gently, I cant let you hurt baby. Or I tell the
baby I cant let him hurt me, say when he tries to pick at my moles
(agh!)
I have a lot of short, stock phrases that my kids know what I mean
when I say them. "I need to keep everybody safe!" "gentle touches!"
"trade!" (means offer the baby a trade before you take what he has)
Too many words get too wordy :) I also try to give words to what the
child might be feeling. "its hard to wait" "you want it!" "you are
mad!" (I make sure my tone sounds warm and friendly or appropriate
to whatever is going on, not patronizing or with anger)
article on playing together
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles/policies-that-work-well-
when-children-play-together.html
writings on sharing
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000047.htm
http://www.joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/
sharing.html
With regards to clothing, boy howdy, do I have experience with kids
not wanting to wear clothes.
For one winter, we literally would just wrap my 2 year old in a
blanket and carry her from the car to the indoors. She refused to
wear sleeves of any type, including in a coat. She often exclusively
wore a tank topped/shorts leotard. In winter. In Chicago. No shoes.
She never got frostbite or pnemonia or anything. We just did not do
outdoor activities. The following winter, facing the same scene, I
sewed her a cloak. I lined it with fleece so it was two layers with a
hood. She wore it fine. It was great because it wrapped around her in
the car and it was soft, no seams, no sleeves. We got the kind of
boots that had fleecey lining so she was fine without socks. She
still often had shorts and a tank top underneath, but she was warm
enough.
Although we do have cold winters, our condo temperature is very warm.
We have radiator heat and even though we rarely (if ever) actually
turn our heat on, its about 75 degrees in here. We often wear shorts
and bare feet inside during the winter. Is it any wonder that my
daughter never wants to get bundled up inside before we go out? It
probably doesnt make any sense to her at all. Even last year, when
she was 5 we often just took all the clothes and stuff downstairs to
the door by the parking lot, where it is actually chilly. Then she
would put on her boots and cloak.
I would always take extra clothes with us, if I suspected she would
become cold later. But, she does really seem to run hot, like her
dad. We get comments almost every day "isnt she cold?" etc, but if
she is, she really does put on m0re stuff.
I also think in the winter, when its cold, and darker, there is more
of a natural tendency to want to stay in, stay home, hibernate. We do
try to limit our obligations in the winter to cut down on the
arguments against leaving :) Sometimes it seems its actually all
about the transition, and once we get in the car, the clothes that
were "biting her" and the shoes that were "burning on fire" are all
totally fine. Sometimes she changes in the car into warmer/different
attire.
some people recommended massage or skin brushing before getting
dressed (parent doing to child) and that did seem to help sometimes,
but I confess I am terrible about those sorts of habits and we never
did it all that regularly.
as for hair, I dont know how long it is, but what about a short
style? my daughter has never wanted any barrettes, pony tails,
braids, or combing or brushing, so we have kept it fairly short. my
hair is short (very) so I guess it seems normal to her, too. I have
explained to her that part of having longer hair means that you have
to take care of it. like washing and combing. detangle spray and
reallly wide tooth combs help.
hope this has been helpful.
Nancy
--
Nancy & dh Buzz
dd Zibby 2-16-04, Henry 9-14-07
chicago, il, usa
http://happychildhood.homeschooljournal.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Marina DeLuca-Howard
I have three boys and I found there were patterns for hitting that could be
spotted much like neon signs from across a crowded room. Prevention seems to
work better, than finding a cure.
- Feed and water the children often. If you notice incidents happening
prior to meal times, or consistently just after an hour or more offer
fruit/cheese monkey platters or create a snack shelf/table.
- Does hitting happen when you are distracted by a project? When you are
halfway through tidying, or spacing out with a coffee?
- What are the warning signs? Facial expressions? Particular toys/rooms
in the home that seem to have more incidents?
- Is there a predictable pattern? Every 45 minutes, or every 20?
- Fatigue? If parent or child is tired it leads to issues. Words, deeds
or short tempers.
- Model conflict resolution and sharing. If you speak to a child or your
partner gently it becomes the household practice. I had no qualms about
letting my kids use my lipstick, or perfume or bath products. I don't mean
letting anyone destroy your things or lose them, but my kids could try on my
jewellery to be pirates, or princes. Wedding bands were an exception, but
plain silver bands can be had inexpensively and lovingly bestowed on kids :)
- Offer practical sharing tools. I remember Rowan and his friend sharing
a toy camera, with some coaching. They were two years of age. The friend's
dad would swoop in to put contentious toys away at te first hint of
conflict. I hung out and helped them work it through. This is an exercise
in trust. Pick a song or use a timer, but letting the kids pick a song
seems more empowering and lends itself well to the spirit of this
enterprise. One has the valuable toy, while the other sings. The first few
times we just passed the toy between the three of us almost like a hot
potato, until everyone was comfortable with the practice of letting it go,
only to have the coveted item return. They learned it quickly.
Marina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
spotted much like neon signs from across a crowded room. Prevention seems to
work better, than finding a cure.
- Feed and water the children often. If you notice incidents happening
prior to meal times, or consistently just after an hour or more offer
fruit/cheese monkey platters or create a snack shelf/table.
- Does hitting happen when you are distracted by a project? When you are
halfway through tidying, or spacing out with a coffee?
- What are the warning signs? Facial expressions? Particular toys/rooms
in the home that seem to have more incidents?
- Is there a predictable pattern? Every 45 minutes, or every 20?
- Fatigue? If parent or child is tired it leads to issues. Words, deeds
or short tempers.
- Model conflict resolution and sharing. If you speak to a child or your
partner gently it becomes the household practice. I had no qualms about
letting my kids use my lipstick, or perfume or bath products. I don't mean
letting anyone destroy your things or lose them, but my kids could try on my
jewellery to be pirates, or princes. Wedding bands were an exception, but
plain silver bands can be had inexpensively and lovingly bestowed on kids :)
- Offer practical sharing tools. I remember Rowan and his friend sharing
a toy camera, with some coaching. They were two years of age. The friend's
dad would swoop in to put contentious toys away at te first hint of
conflict. I hung out and helped them work it through. This is an exercise
in trust. Pick a song or use a timer, but letting the kids pick a song
seems more empowering and lends itself well to the spirit of this
enterprise. One has the valuable toy, while the other sings. The first few
times we just passed the toy between the three of us almost like a hot
potato, until everyone was comfortable with the practice of letting it go,
only to have the coveted item return. They learned it quickly.
Marina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]