nicola Phillips

Hi all you wonderful parents xx
i'm after some advice on 'family' issues .

i come from a very distant family we were all shipped off to boarding school. then as adults if i didn't drive to visit my folks, i wouldn't see them ! in 11yrs of living in London my mum came once !

now i have a son who is 2.3/4 my mum has visited ONCE on my sons 1st b'day.
i went down to visit for a week (came back after 5 days due to -) my brother (21 yrs turning 22 in march) calling Teddie (2.3/4yrs) a fu*king twat - because he turned the t.v off.
he then went on in a very aggressive way that I'm letting him get away with things, and i should have made him turn the t.v back on. . (when my son turned the tv off, we were sitting having birthday cake / tea for my sister) other than my bro who was watching t.v .. as he got more angry, at my lack of 'making him turn the tv back on' he said he had also gone into his room and turned a game off - (cant comment, as to if he did or didn't - if he did it would have been when my mum or sister were keeping an eye on him and i was baking ) and how he cant go in his room as quote 'Teddie isnt family' my mum didnt step in .. i went to bed at this point upset nwxt morning i came back home - my mum had gone to work early and hadnt left a note safe trip or thanks for comming to see us - i was on the road at 8.30am .. she had ledft for work befor 7am - doesnt normally get to the office until 9am !

now im obviously very upset by this and don't know how to get passed it .. its a long line of negative things im also feeling raw that my family left me for the 3rd year running alone for Xmas - no space for us at my mums house unless we slept under the table, literally. but they wont travel up to me - i have the space.
on that note as mentioned my mum has never travelled - even when we were kids never took us to see our grandparents and so on , so her not traveling is not new - just i cant get my head around the fact she doesnt want to see her grandson .. (or me) from one year to the next.

im sure this is why i have chosen this parenting path - unschooling yes but also i used a sling , had and have my son in bed with me havnt used a cot - im waiting for him to want to use his own room. every night (after stories and a bedtime kiss/cuddle)he says mama sleep with Teddie - i say yes i come and snuggle in when ive tidied up. he has his own ..
wandering if anyone can give me some prospective on this family behaviour .. im at the point of cutting all ties with my family -
many thanks Nicola xx

Sandra Dodd

-=-i went down to visit for a week (came back after 5 days due to -)
my brother (21 yrs turning 22 in march) calling Teddie (2.3/4yrs) a
fu*king twat - because he turned the t.v off. -=-

Although I usually recommend people go gradually and not antagonize
families, in this case it sounds that your mother's little boy acted
worse than your own did! :-)

-=-now im obviously very upset by this and don't know how to get
passed it .. its a long line of negative things im also feeling raw
that my family left me for the 3rd year running alone for Xmas -=-

I think if you want people to be the way you imagine they should be,
rather than accepting them the way they are, it's your fault and not
theirs. If you've known since you were little that your mom didn't
travel and wasn't very warm, that's really sad, and isn't likely to
change.

-=-im sure this is why i have chosen this parenting path - unschooling
yes but also i used a sling , had and have my son in bed with me havnt
used a cot-=-

Maybe you've chosen it because you lacked closeness and can recover
some of your own special childhood by mothering your child in ways you
would like to have been parented.

= every night (after stories and a bedtime kiss/cuddle)he says mama
sleep with Teddie - i say yes i come and snuggle in when ive tidied up=

Why not lie down with him instead of tidying up? Or maybe tidy before
you read to him so you can stay there? He will never be this age
again. You could be cleaning a kitchen fifty years from now, but your
baby boy will only be little now.

-=-wandering if anyone can give me some prospective on this family
behaviour .. im at the point of cutting all ties with my family - -=-

Don't rush into anything. It's January. Spend five or eight months
finding ways to be calm and whole without regard to your family. You
and your son are a unit, a team, a partnership, and that's true
regardless of other factors. Find strength there, and think of other
people as more peripheral.

If you put more energy toward being sweet and gentle with your son,
thinking of wishing your mother could have been sweeter and gentler,
it might heal the little girl memories you have.

Anger won't help. It only fills you with anger.

This might help:
When Parents Have Issues
http://sandradodd.com/issues/

Also there was a talk Ren Allen and I did about recovering from
childhood hurts. There are notes and a sound file:
http://sandradodd.com/issues/

Sandra

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Joyce Fetteroll

On Jan 24, 2010, at 6:51 PM, nicola Phillips wrote:

> i come from a very distant family we were all shipped off to
> boarding school. then as adults if i didn't drive to visit my
> folks, i wouldn't see them ! in 11yrs of living in London my mum
> came once !

I think your emotions are saying it's personal. That if they'd open
their eyes long enough to see what they're missing they'd embrace all
of you.

I think it's healthier to accept people for who they are and not take
their opinions and actions personally. Something got broken in your
parents, probably long before they had kids. Or maybe it's genetic.
Who knows. There are probably 50+ years of building walls to protect
them from whatever hurt them (maybe their own parents who sent them
away?) No matter how wonderful the tap dancing you do outside their
walls, the walls will only come down if they decide they don't need
them any more. (Which is unlikely after all this time.) It's not
about you. You can't tap dance away what they're protecting
themselves from.

You may have some image you want your family to fill in your life.
But is that any more right than parents who picture their children as
doctors and are disappointed when they become artists or guitar
teachers? Let your family be who they are. If you're looking for
someone to fill a role in your life, explore interests and meet new
people. Visit retirement homes and adopt some grandparents who are
extroverts and love kids. Your child could have a whole community of
grandparents ;-)

Joyce

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JoyErin

-= Don't rush into anything. It's January. Spend five or eight months
finding ways to be calm and whole without regard to your family. You
and your son are a unit, a team, a partnership, and that's true
regardless of other factors. Find strength there, and think of other
people as more peripheral. =-

maybe like some people evaluate again each summer if they will home educate
again come Sept, every so often look at if you're ready to deal with the
parent issues again.
Then if feeling ready and able at that point take baby steps. That way if
things start to become to negative for you to feel comfortable with it's
easier to take that step back
and wait until ready again.

Joy



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