Indecisive 7 year old and other issues
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I haven't posted in a while but I really need help. I just started unschooling my 3 children in August. They are 17, 15, and 7. My 7 year old daughter is having 3 issues right now that I can not seem to figure out what to do. All three issues seem to do with me giving her too many choices. Let me know if you all feel that this is the case or not.
The first issue is that she is always saying that she is bored. She used to say that she was bored when she was in school. Now she is still saying it. I have tried to suggest many, many things that we can do together or that she can do on her own. She never wants to do anything that I suggest yet she can not come up with any ideas of her own if I ask her for some suggestions. She doesn't even want to do things that she used to like to do, for example, she used to love going to the park or taking a walk. Now she doesn't want to do either. I ask her if she'd like me to play a game with her, put together a puzzle, make a craft, color, playdoh, play with toys, tv, computer, and the list goes on. She doesn't want to do anything with me or on her own yet she keeps saying "I'm bored. There's never anything to do". I used to think that it was because she wanted my attention because I used to work full-time but now I am only working 2 to 3 half days per week. So I am home the majority of the time. I also have learned to stop what I'm doing and spend more time with her when she needs me. The dishes or laundry or checking my e-mail can wait until she's sleeping or such. I wonder sometimes if I give her too many choices. I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out new things for us to do. I am a single mom and don't have much extra money so I try to find things to do in our community that are free or just a small fee. We go to the library but she doesn't even like to do that anymore. She was at my mom's this weekend. My mom wanted to take her to a local garden center to meet Santa and do crafts and then also take her to see a movie at the theater but my daughter didn't want to do either. She just wanted to stay at my mom's house yet she kept complaining that she was bored. I could go on and on with examples. What do I do? Or what am I not doing?
The second issue is that she tells me that she is hungry but does not want to eat anything. I have bought all of her favorites. I have tried to buy different items that I think that she may like. I have asked her to please come shopping with me so that she can pick some items that she would like to eat. She doesn't want to come shopping with me. When I ask her if she'd like me to buy something special at the store for her, she tells me that she can't think of anything that she wants. When she tells me that she's hungry, I name off everything we have which I am usually responded to with her saying "no" many times. I've even asked her if she could have anything she wanted to eat, what would it be because I would go to the store and buy it for her. She has told me that she doesn't know. I tried making Sandra's monkey platters which were a hit for a few days but now she doesn't even want those. I've also just tried making something without asking her what she wanted with hopes that she will eat it when it's ready or she smells it but she won't. Things that she has liked in the past, she will tell me that she either doesn't like now or she likes but doesn't feel like having them now. I understand having some of these feelings because seriously, how many times have you or I looked in the refrigerator or the cupboards over and over again hoping that something good will appear. Lol! However, if you are REALLY hungry, you WILL eat something. My daughter will not. I'm at my wit's end with this issue as well. Any suggestions that I haven't tried?
The third issue is actually a two part issue but it involves clothing. She has always been picky about wearing certain clothing items regarding the feel and comfort of them but recently it's gotten really bad. We live in Ohio which is cold now...in the 30's to 40's. She refuses to wear pants. Around the house she wears shorts, pajama bottoms, or her one pair of blue pants that is now getting a small hole in the knee. That is fine. The problem comes when we go somewhere. I obviously don't have her favorite blue pants clean each day if she has worn them the day before although I try hard to keep them clean. They are getting old and worn out and she is starting to grow out of them but to her they are the most comfortable. I've even let her wear pajama bottoms when we've gone out. As long as it's pants and not shorts. Also, if we are just in our front yard or just running over to my mom's house, I have even let her stay in shorts since we are only outside for a few minutes. But I can not let her go to Walmart or any place else with shorts on or no coat (that's the other problem). It's Ohio! It's cold! I'm afraid that someone will call the police on me for child endangerment if I let her go out like that. She also never wants to wear a jacket or coat. I bring one with me in case she gets cold. I carry it so she can put it on if she wants to but I am worried about her being out in the cold without a coat and getting sick. I bought her some new pants and a new coat but she doesn't like them either. I asked her to come with me to the store so that she can pick out a coat and new pants but she says that she doesn't want to. She also won't wear socks. I don't know what to do when it starts to snow. She refuses to wear socks. What else can I do so that she will feel comfortable in her own clothing (pants and socks)? And what would you all do about the coat issue?
I'm sorry for the long length in this post. All of this has been building up for several weeks. I finally don't know where else to turn for suggestions or advice or stories of what has worked for you. And I just thought of one more small issue that we are having as well. She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. I've asked her to brush it herself if she thinks that it hurts when I do it. She doesn't want to brush it herself. I try to be very gentle but she gets a lot of rats in it in the morning when she gets up from sleeping all night. If it weren't for the rats, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. If she wants to go out with messy hair, that is her prerogative. My problem is with the rats. If I don't brush them out, they get worse and worse. It's taken me 45 minutes before to brush out all of the rats out of her hair. I told her that if she lets me brush it everyday, it would not get that bad. My other suggestion has been for her to get her hair cut. She does not want to do that. I told her that if she has long hair she has to take care of it otherwise she should get it cut. She doesn't want to do either. Ugh!! Any suggestions?
I'm hoping that these are all just phases that she is going through. It is just so frustrating though when I have offered her every option that I can think of in regards to each issue but she doesn't want any of them. I would love to hear some stories of what some of you have done in regards to some of these issues. Thank you so much for reading such a long post. I look forward to hearing any suggestions and advice that you all may have.
Take care,
Sherri
Single Mother to Kaiti, 17; Kaleb, 15; and McKenzie, 7
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The first issue is that she is always saying that she is bored. She used to say that she was bored when she was in school. Now she is still saying it. I have tried to suggest many, many things that we can do together or that she can do on her own. She never wants to do anything that I suggest yet she can not come up with any ideas of her own if I ask her for some suggestions. She doesn't even want to do things that she used to like to do, for example, she used to love going to the park or taking a walk. Now she doesn't want to do either. I ask her if she'd like me to play a game with her, put together a puzzle, make a craft, color, playdoh, play with toys, tv, computer, and the list goes on. She doesn't want to do anything with me or on her own yet she keeps saying "I'm bored. There's never anything to do". I used to think that it was because she wanted my attention because I used to work full-time but now I am only working 2 to 3 half days per week. So I am home the majority of the time. I also have learned to stop what I'm doing and spend more time with her when she needs me. The dishes or laundry or checking my e-mail can wait until she's sleeping or such. I wonder sometimes if I give her too many choices. I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out new things for us to do. I am a single mom and don't have much extra money so I try to find things to do in our community that are free or just a small fee. We go to the library but she doesn't even like to do that anymore. She was at my mom's this weekend. My mom wanted to take her to a local garden center to meet Santa and do crafts and then also take her to see a movie at the theater but my daughter didn't want to do either. She just wanted to stay at my mom's house yet she kept complaining that she was bored. I could go on and on with examples. What do I do? Or what am I not doing?
The second issue is that she tells me that she is hungry but does not want to eat anything. I have bought all of her favorites. I have tried to buy different items that I think that she may like. I have asked her to please come shopping with me so that she can pick some items that she would like to eat. She doesn't want to come shopping with me. When I ask her if she'd like me to buy something special at the store for her, she tells me that she can't think of anything that she wants. When she tells me that she's hungry, I name off everything we have which I am usually responded to with her saying "no" many times. I've even asked her if she could have anything she wanted to eat, what would it be because I would go to the store and buy it for her. She has told me that she doesn't know. I tried making Sandra's monkey platters which were a hit for a few days but now she doesn't even want those. I've also just tried making something without asking her what she wanted with hopes that she will eat it when it's ready or she smells it but she won't. Things that she has liked in the past, she will tell me that she either doesn't like now or she likes but doesn't feel like having them now. I understand having some of these feelings because seriously, how many times have you or I looked in the refrigerator or the cupboards over and over again hoping that something good will appear. Lol! However, if you are REALLY hungry, you WILL eat something. My daughter will not. I'm at my wit's end with this issue as well. Any suggestions that I haven't tried?
The third issue is actually a two part issue but it involves clothing. She has always been picky about wearing certain clothing items regarding the feel and comfort of them but recently it's gotten really bad. We live in Ohio which is cold now...in the 30's to 40's. She refuses to wear pants. Around the house she wears shorts, pajama bottoms, or her one pair of blue pants that is now getting a small hole in the knee. That is fine. The problem comes when we go somewhere. I obviously don't have her favorite blue pants clean each day if she has worn them the day before although I try hard to keep them clean. They are getting old and worn out and she is starting to grow out of them but to her they are the most comfortable. I've even let her wear pajama bottoms when we've gone out. As long as it's pants and not shorts. Also, if we are just in our front yard or just running over to my mom's house, I have even let her stay in shorts since we are only outside for a few minutes. But I can not let her go to Walmart or any place else with shorts on or no coat (that's the other problem). It's Ohio! It's cold! I'm afraid that someone will call the police on me for child endangerment if I let her go out like that. She also never wants to wear a jacket or coat. I bring one with me in case she gets cold. I carry it so she can put it on if she wants to but I am worried about her being out in the cold without a coat and getting sick. I bought her some new pants and a new coat but she doesn't like them either. I asked her to come with me to the store so that she can pick out a coat and new pants but she says that she doesn't want to. She also won't wear socks. I don't know what to do when it starts to snow. She refuses to wear socks. What else can I do so that she will feel comfortable in her own clothing (pants and socks)? And what would you all do about the coat issue?
I'm sorry for the long length in this post. All of this has been building up for several weeks. I finally don't know where else to turn for suggestions or advice or stories of what has worked for you. And I just thought of one more small issue that we are having as well. She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. I've asked her to brush it herself if she thinks that it hurts when I do it. She doesn't want to brush it herself. I try to be very gentle but she gets a lot of rats in it in the morning when she gets up from sleeping all night. If it weren't for the rats, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. If she wants to go out with messy hair, that is her prerogative. My problem is with the rats. If I don't brush them out, they get worse and worse. It's taken me 45 minutes before to brush out all of the rats out of her hair. I told her that if she lets me brush it everyday, it would not get that bad. My other suggestion has been for her to get her hair cut. She does not want to do that. I told her that if she has long hair she has to take care of it otherwise she should get it cut. She doesn't want to do either. Ugh!! Any suggestions?
I'm hoping that these are all just phases that she is going through. It is just so frustrating though when I have offered her every option that I can think of in regards to each issue but she doesn't want any of them. I would love to hear some stories of what some of you have done in regards to some of these issues. Thank you so much for reading such a long post. I look forward to hearing any suggestions and advice that you all may have.
Take care,
Sherri
Single Mother to Kaiti, 17; Kaleb, 15; and McKenzie, 7
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***haven't posted in a while but I really need help. I just started unschooling my 3 children in August. They are 17, 15, and 7. My 7 year old daughter is having 3 issues right now that I can not seem to figure out what to do. All three issues seem to do with me giving her too many choices. Let me know if you all feel that this is the case or not.***
***The first issue is that she is always saying that she is bored. She used to say that she was bored when she was in school. Now she is still saying it. I have tried to suggest many, many things that we can do together or that she can do on her own.***
It's entirely possible that she needs to feel bored for a while. Since she was in school and bored, she's likely bringing that home with her. School has an interesting way of causing boredom and then filling the boredom with boring tasks, telling kids what to do and when. While those tasks may be boring, it's still something to do that fills up the boredom and takes one mind off of it. It may be a while yet before she can simply do nothing and feel ok with it and not look to external things to rescue her from her own boredom.
It also occurs to me that you have 2 teens that are close in age that probably have a bit of comraderie that doesn't include the youngest. That could be playing a part in this too. She's sort of the "odd man" out. That's not anything you can fix or change really, just something to keep in mind.
***The second issue is that she tells me that she is hungry but does not want to eat anything. ***
Keep the fare simple and make what you know she likes and offer it when you think she may be hungry. If she says "no", let it go. Let her know that you'll put in aside for her when she's ready to eat. That way, she knows it's there for her when she does get hungry. If it goes for hours, remind her that it's there. Just a simple reminder, don't nag. Keep the words simple and minimal.
***The third issue is actually a two part issue but it involves clothing.***
***She also never wants to wear a jacket or coat.***
***I bought her some new pants and a new coat but she doesn't like them either.***
***She also won't wear socks. I don't know what to do when it starts to snow. She refuses to wear socks. What else can I do so that she will feel comfortable in her own clothing (pants and socks)? And what would you all do about the coat issue?***
Margaux, 8 yrs old, won't wear coats either. She never has. She doesn't like the way the sleeves of coats work with other sleeves, not even short sleeves. She'll do layers of sweaters though. A nice big wool sweater with a turtle neck or a shirt that won't let you feel the itchiness of wool. Margaux will wear my jackets too, even though they are way too big for her. They won't bunch up weirdly because they are so big. She'll also wear hats, scarves and gloves, which add considerably to the warmth, so much so, that coats aren't always necessary, a warm sweater and all the extras will do it.
New pants aren't the old ones! If they are becoming high waters, you could take out the hems. You could patch the hole. If they are too tight around the waist you could cut slits in them, or slit open the top seam and cut the elastic. Margaux has her favorites for sure and some of them have holes in them. She actually likes the holes, it's part of why she wears them, and she's gotten upset with me before when I've sewn the hole up. I have to ask her first before I alter anything on her favorites. She also won't wear anything that is completely synthetic fiber. It must be mostly cotton. All tags have to be removed and seams must be straightish. Margaux also won't wear socks. The seams bug her. It's gotten worse rather than better as she's gotten older. The only socks that I know of that don't have seams are at the Stride Rite shoe store, but they aren't cotton, so that's a no go for us, but it could work for others. As it's
gotten colder here, I've been at a loss as to what to have her wear on her feet. I'm going to be looking for fuzzy lined boots and or fuzzy lined moccasins, things that will be warm without socks. She wears little cotton slippers, that I crocheted, around the house to keep her feet warm, because they don't have a seam, but they are too bulky to wear with shoes. Thank goodness the fuzzy boots are in style right now, because I'll be able to go about anywhere to find them.
***She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. I've asked her to brush it herself if she thinks that it hurts when I do it. She doesn't want to brush it herself. I try to be very gentle but she gets a lot of rats in it in the morning when she gets up from sleeping all night. If it weren't for the rats, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. If she wants to go out with messy hair, that is her prerogative. My problem is with the rats. If I don't brush them out, they get worse and worse.***
Margaux has the same issue. She puts a hat on and ignores it. I figure if she's ok with that and able to do that, then I am too. She recently wanted me to work her big dread lock out in the shower with conditioner. It took a long time, but I did it. She's been wearing her hair in braids at night. Braids are tricky to get started without any sort of pulling, but it can be done. The nice thing about braids is that they can stay in for a few days before having to redo them. There are ouchless rubber bands now, like the kind that come on barbie dolls. You can generally get in a couple of uses with those before they break. Something else that helps is not using shampoo. Shampoo dries out hair and makes it less slippery, so that it's more inclined to mat up to begin with. We only use conditioner, or, nothing at all. It's not worth the struggle and pain it causes Margaux, just to have "clean" hair that smells nice. I'd rather have a
happy little girl that wears a hat.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
***The first issue is that she is always saying that she is bored. She used to say that she was bored when she was in school. Now she is still saying it. I have tried to suggest many, many things that we can do together or that she can do on her own.***
It's entirely possible that she needs to feel bored for a while. Since she was in school and bored, she's likely bringing that home with her. School has an interesting way of causing boredom and then filling the boredom with boring tasks, telling kids what to do and when. While those tasks may be boring, it's still something to do that fills up the boredom and takes one mind off of it. It may be a while yet before she can simply do nothing and feel ok with it and not look to external things to rescue her from her own boredom.
It also occurs to me that you have 2 teens that are close in age that probably have a bit of comraderie that doesn't include the youngest. That could be playing a part in this too. She's sort of the "odd man" out. That's not anything you can fix or change really, just something to keep in mind.
***The second issue is that she tells me that she is hungry but does not want to eat anything. ***
Keep the fare simple and make what you know she likes and offer it when you think she may be hungry. If she says "no", let it go. Let her know that you'll put in aside for her when she's ready to eat. That way, she knows it's there for her when she does get hungry. If it goes for hours, remind her that it's there. Just a simple reminder, don't nag. Keep the words simple and minimal.
***The third issue is actually a two part issue but it involves clothing.***
***She also never wants to wear a jacket or coat.***
***I bought her some new pants and a new coat but she doesn't like them either.***
***She also won't wear socks. I don't know what to do when it starts to snow. She refuses to wear socks. What else can I do so that she will feel comfortable in her own clothing (pants and socks)? And what would you all do about the coat issue?***
Margaux, 8 yrs old, won't wear coats either. She never has. She doesn't like the way the sleeves of coats work with other sleeves, not even short sleeves. She'll do layers of sweaters though. A nice big wool sweater with a turtle neck or a shirt that won't let you feel the itchiness of wool. Margaux will wear my jackets too, even though they are way too big for her. They won't bunch up weirdly because they are so big. She'll also wear hats, scarves and gloves, which add considerably to the warmth, so much so, that coats aren't always necessary, a warm sweater and all the extras will do it.
New pants aren't the old ones! If they are becoming high waters, you could take out the hems. You could patch the hole. If they are too tight around the waist you could cut slits in them, or slit open the top seam and cut the elastic. Margaux has her favorites for sure and some of them have holes in them. She actually likes the holes, it's part of why she wears them, and she's gotten upset with me before when I've sewn the hole up. I have to ask her first before I alter anything on her favorites. She also won't wear anything that is completely synthetic fiber. It must be mostly cotton. All tags have to be removed and seams must be straightish. Margaux also won't wear socks. The seams bug her. It's gotten worse rather than better as she's gotten older. The only socks that I know of that don't have seams are at the Stride Rite shoe store, but they aren't cotton, so that's a no go for us, but it could work for others. As it's
gotten colder here, I've been at a loss as to what to have her wear on her feet. I'm going to be looking for fuzzy lined boots and or fuzzy lined moccasins, things that will be warm without socks. She wears little cotton slippers, that I crocheted, around the house to keep her feet warm, because they don't have a seam, but they are too bulky to wear with shoes. Thank goodness the fuzzy boots are in style right now, because I'll be able to go about anywhere to find them.
***She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. I've asked her to brush it herself if she thinks that it hurts when I do it. She doesn't want to brush it herself. I try to be very gentle but she gets a lot of rats in it in the morning when she gets up from sleeping all night. If it weren't for the rats, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. If she wants to go out with messy hair, that is her prerogative. My problem is with the rats. If I don't brush them out, they get worse and worse.***
Margaux has the same issue. She puts a hat on and ignores it. I figure if she's ok with that and able to do that, then I am too. She recently wanted me to work her big dread lock out in the shower with conditioner. It took a long time, but I did it. She's been wearing her hair in braids at night. Braids are tricky to get started without any sort of pulling, but it can be done. The nice thing about braids is that they can stay in for a few days before having to redo them. There are ouchless rubber bands now, like the kind that come on barbie dolls. You can generally get in a couple of uses with those before they break. Something else that helps is not using shampoo. Shampoo dries out hair and makes it less slippery, so that it's more inclined to mat up to begin with. We only use conditioner, or, nothing at all. It's not worth the struggle and pain it causes Margaux, just to have "clean" hair that smells nice. I'd rather have a
happy little girl that wears a hat.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<<She used to say that she was bored when she was in school. Now she is
still saying it.>>>
Did she want to come home or stay in school regardless of being bored?
<<<< I used to think that it was because she wanted my attention ......I
wonder sometimes if I give her too many choices.>>>
She probably still does want your attention. It sounds like she gets it too
with all the talk. Sounds like a lot of words, all those offers. Why take
you up on any of those options when what I suspect is the real need (for
your attention) is being fulfilled by your undivided attention on making
endless offers?
When Jayn says "I'm bored" I sit down beside her and say "Let's have a hug".
Sometimes this turns into a tickle fest. Sometimes it turns into
storytelling. Sometimes it turns out there's something bothering her that
she wants to talk about. It's real focused attention on her. It's not about
trying to get her to do some activity.
I think it's not so much too many options (we have all that and more
available in our house every day), as too many words about the choices, too
many expectations that a choice has to be made.
A lot of people suggest doing the things, getting the
games/puzzles/crafts/toys out and starting doing it yourself with joy, so
that she can join in.
What are her interests?
<<<I tried making Sandra's monkey platters which were a hit for a few days
but now she doesn't even want those.>>>
As I understand it, monkey platters aren't something you ask about. Monkey
platters are something you just put out to facilitate your child's ease and
comfort.
I have a child that sometimes refuses everything we have and wants the one
thing that we don't have. It can be frustrating, especially for someone like
me who really doesn't like cooking. Sometimes I do say, "these are your
choices." But often I do what others have suggested on another thread and
just make something that I think she'll like, and I like in case she doesn't
want it.
<<<< What else can I do so that she will feel comfortable in her own
clothing (pants and socks)?>>>>
More very soft fleecy pajamas?
Applique a flower over the hole in the knee?
Just stop telling her what to wear. Really.
<<<<< And what would you all do about the coat issue? >>>>
Continue carrying the coat or sweater in an obvious way so that passers by
can see that you have it for her. You shrug and smile ( a silent "what can
you do? She likes the cold").
Stop nagging her to put on warm clothes. She already knows you have the coat
with you. Save the attire suggestions for when the outing is somewhere with
a genuine level of appropriateness required, like a wedding.
<<<< And I just thought of one more small issue that we are having as well.
She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. >>>>
I'll have to dig up some of the old photos of Jayn with her wad. Short story
she was 2 before she had any hair, then it was curly and superfine. She
hated it to be combed or brushed and it went to dreadlocks , then from about
4 a single large wild wad.
She finally allowed us to cut the wad off - it was a July 4th, I think she
was 6. The wad was like felt and she was amazed at the muckiness despite
washing and swimming. I was so happy and it coincided with some dental
trouble she had that made me relieved that she looked more normal.
She like having free hair for a couple of months, but then started to be sad
and started letting it go. I tried reminding her to brush and warned her
that a wad would come back. She explained that the wad was part of who she
was, that it made her different and special. She missed her wad. So we all
allowed it to come back, by not brushing.
Her hair is very thick and as such the wad came back quickly. However after
a while, she decided we could cut it off again permanently. We did so before
her dance recital, so before summer... I think it was May so she was 8. Or
was it this year at 9? Gosh, that old wad is so irrelevant to our lives now
that I can't remember and she's asleep so I can't ask her! Does anyone
recall if she had a wad last Live and Learn (2008)?
What I do know is that since then she has taken pride in washing, putting
colored streaks, dyeing it blond for the summer (now with dark roots) and
continues to condition and brush and style it. It is now shoulder length
again, and sometimes I will detangle for her, but mostly she does it
herself.
That wad was hard for me to cope with, emotionally. It was hard to think
about people's judgments. I talked with other home schooling moms who asked
me what was going on with her hair, about how certain I was that it won't be
forever. I repeated what she had said about her hair and how she was making
the choice to have it.
In the end I can't deny that I am relieved that the thing is gone and she
looks more normal. Especially now that she is almost as tall as me - she has
always looked physically a little older that she is from being tall.
But I lived with and accepted something that made me somewhat uncomfortable
because it was important to my daughter. And I was right - it didn't last
forever.
<<<< I told her that if she has long hair she has to take care of it
otherwise she should get it cut. >>>>>>
Those aren't the only choices!
Perhaps offer her the chance to have it put into dread locks. Proper dreads
end up being really low maintenance and the hair continues to grow normally.
You know what - stop calling them "rats".... in the spirit of changing our
words to change our thinking ... Rats can be wonderful pets, but most often
they are a verminous, disease carrying problem. Rats, colloqially, are bad
people who betray and hurt others. There's a lot of negative baggage around
the word "rats" that can't help but be infused into your thinking about her
hair tangles. It won't help your acceptance of them or her.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
still saying it.>>>
Did she want to come home or stay in school regardless of being bored?
<<<< I used to think that it was because she wanted my attention ......I
wonder sometimes if I give her too many choices.>>>
She probably still does want your attention. It sounds like she gets it too
with all the talk. Sounds like a lot of words, all those offers. Why take
you up on any of those options when what I suspect is the real need (for
your attention) is being fulfilled by your undivided attention on making
endless offers?
When Jayn says "I'm bored" I sit down beside her and say "Let's have a hug".
Sometimes this turns into a tickle fest. Sometimes it turns into
storytelling. Sometimes it turns out there's something bothering her that
she wants to talk about. It's real focused attention on her. It's not about
trying to get her to do some activity.
I think it's not so much too many options (we have all that and more
available in our house every day), as too many words about the choices, too
many expectations that a choice has to be made.
A lot of people suggest doing the things, getting the
games/puzzles/crafts/toys out and starting doing it yourself with joy, so
that she can join in.
What are her interests?
<<<I tried making Sandra's monkey platters which were a hit for a few days
but now she doesn't even want those.>>>
As I understand it, monkey platters aren't something you ask about. Monkey
platters are something you just put out to facilitate your child's ease and
comfort.
I have a child that sometimes refuses everything we have and wants the one
thing that we don't have. It can be frustrating, especially for someone like
me who really doesn't like cooking. Sometimes I do say, "these are your
choices." But often I do what others have suggested on another thread and
just make something that I think she'll like, and I like in case she doesn't
want it.
<<<< What else can I do so that she will feel comfortable in her own
clothing (pants and socks)?>>>>
More very soft fleecy pajamas?
Applique a flower over the hole in the knee?
Just stop telling her what to wear. Really.
<<<<< And what would you all do about the coat issue? >>>>
Continue carrying the coat or sweater in an obvious way so that passers by
can see that you have it for her. You shrug and smile ( a silent "what can
you do? She likes the cold").
Stop nagging her to put on warm clothes. She already knows you have the coat
with you. Save the attire suggestions for when the outing is somewhere with
a genuine level of appropriateness required, like a wedding.
<<<< And I just thought of one more small issue that we are having as well.
She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. >>>>
I'll have to dig up some of the old photos of Jayn with her wad. Short story
she was 2 before she had any hair, then it was curly and superfine. She
hated it to be combed or brushed and it went to dreadlocks , then from about
4 a single large wild wad.
She finally allowed us to cut the wad off - it was a July 4th, I think she
was 6. The wad was like felt and she was amazed at the muckiness despite
washing and swimming. I was so happy and it coincided with some dental
trouble she had that made me relieved that she looked more normal.
She like having free hair for a couple of months, but then started to be sad
and started letting it go. I tried reminding her to brush and warned her
that a wad would come back. She explained that the wad was part of who she
was, that it made her different and special. She missed her wad. So we all
allowed it to come back, by not brushing.
Her hair is very thick and as such the wad came back quickly. However after
a while, she decided we could cut it off again permanently. We did so before
her dance recital, so before summer... I think it was May so she was 8. Or
was it this year at 9? Gosh, that old wad is so irrelevant to our lives now
that I can't remember and she's asleep so I can't ask her! Does anyone
recall if she had a wad last Live and Learn (2008)?
What I do know is that since then she has taken pride in washing, putting
colored streaks, dyeing it blond for the summer (now with dark roots) and
continues to condition and brush and style it. It is now shoulder length
again, and sometimes I will detangle for her, but mostly she does it
herself.
That wad was hard for me to cope with, emotionally. It was hard to think
about people's judgments. I talked with other home schooling moms who asked
me what was going on with her hair, about how certain I was that it won't be
forever. I repeated what she had said about her hair and how she was making
the choice to have it.
In the end I can't deny that I am relieved that the thing is gone and she
looks more normal. Especially now that she is almost as tall as me - she has
always looked physically a little older that she is from being tall.
But I lived with and accepted something that made me somewhat uncomfortable
because it was important to my daughter. And I was right - it didn't last
forever.
<<<< I told her that if she has long hair she has to take care of it
otherwise she should get it cut. >>>>>>
Those aren't the only choices!
Perhaps offer her the chance to have it put into dread locks. Proper dreads
end up being really low maintenance and the hair continues to grow normally.
You know what - stop calling them "rats".... in the spirit of changing our
words to change our thinking ... Rats can be wonderful pets, but most often
they are a verminous, disease carrying problem. Rats, colloqially, are bad
people who betray and hurt others. There's a lot of negative baggage around
the word "rats" that can't help but be infused into your thinking about her
hair tangles. It won't help your acceptance of them or her.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
Sandra Dodd
-=- My mom wanted to take her to a local garden center to meet Santa
and do crafts and then also take her to see a movie at the theater but
my daughter didn't want to do either. She just wanted to stay at my
mom's house yet she kept complaining that she was bored. I could go on
and on with examples. What do I do? -=-
As I read that I thought maybe I would have said "Say something else,"
or "What do you mean?" Maybe she could rephrase it to "I'd rather go
home" or "Can we go to the river?" But to repeat the same thing could
be like whining. Depending on the situation, it might BE whining.
And the sing-songy tone of whining is worse than the words, whatever
they might be.
I had a friend when I was a kid who was big on sighing and saying
"bored" even when things seemed exciting to me. It was a kind of
negative commentary on all manner of things. She'd been that way
since I met her when we were six years old. There was a kid Kirby's
age who was that way too, also a girl, and it started when she was
seven or eight.
In both those cases the mom was really energetic and critical. That's
all I can see they had in common. If they weren't going to "win" in
the mom's eyes, they figured it would be easier to feign indifference,
and that became real indifference after a while, and spread beyond the
mom's presence after a while.
That might not have anything to do with this situation, it's just a
tangent to the two more bored people I've ever known.
I think you should spend lots of time with her for a while. Lots of
time with her always, but an intense extra amount for a while. Maybe
find things she might like, and be prepared to accept negative
responses without getting frustrated. There are links and ideas
about various things here, and all lead to lots more:
http://sandradodd.com/art
http://sandradodd.com/music
http://sandradodd.com/strewing
Don't expect her to find her own things to do as the two older kids
do. Maybe see whether one of the older kids would do things with her
a time or two a week.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and do crafts and then also take her to see a movie at the theater but
my daughter didn't want to do either. She just wanted to stay at my
mom's house yet she kept complaining that she was bored. I could go on
and on with examples. What do I do? -=-
As I read that I thought maybe I would have said "Say something else,"
or "What do you mean?" Maybe she could rephrase it to "I'd rather go
home" or "Can we go to the river?" But to repeat the same thing could
be like whining. Depending on the situation, it might BE whining.
And the sing-songy tone of whining is worse than the words, whatever
they might be.
I had a friend when I was a kid who was big on sighing and saying
"bored" even when things seemed exciting to me. It was a kind of
negative commentary on all manner of things. She'd been that way
since I met her when we were six years old. There was a kid Kirby's
age who was that way too, also a girl, and it started when she was
seven or eight.
In both those cases the mom was really energetic and critical. That's
all I can see they had in common. If they weren't going to "win" in
the mom's eyes, they figured it would be easier to feign indifference,
and that became real indifference after a while, and spread beyond the
mom's presence after a while.
That might not have anything to do with this situation, it's just a
tangent to the two more bored people I've ever known.
I think you should spend lots of time with her for a while. Lots of
time with her always, but an intense extra amount for a while. Maybe
find things she might like, and be prepared to accept negative
responses without getting frustrated. There are links and ideas
about various things here, and all lead to lots more:
http://sandradodd.com/art
http://sandradodd.com/music
http://sandradodd.com/strewing
Don't expect her to find her own things to do as the two older kids
do. Maybe see whether one of the older kids would do things with her
a time or two a week.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kim Zerbe
<<The first issue is that she is always saying that she is bored. >>
I can't speak about being bored. I suspect saying "bored" is from being in
school. My son doesn't say it but often acts like he is bored. It just means
she can't think of anything fun to do or maybe doesn't even know what's
available! My sometimes refuses any fun activity I offer, so I'm still
looking for ideas myself! (Often *I* am bored!) I too am interested in what
others will say on this topic!
<<The second issue is that she tells me that she is hungry but does not want
to eat anything.>>
Sounds like you are trying too hard to make sure she eats. Don't talk about
eating so much. If everyone is eating at the same time, make a little extra
and let her know it's there. If your kids are grazers and eat lunch at
different times or graze on snacks all day, just put stuff out for all of
them. Buy what you know she'll eat (for my son his favorite is chicken
nuggets, so I try to not run out of those) and make a little bit and put it
out. I say don't make too much because if she doesn't want that, and if you
don't like throwing food away, you may end up eating it! I like chicken
nuggets, but I've also let 2 sit out all day and thrown them away. If she is
really hungry and doesn't want what you've put out, she'll probably tell you
what she does want instead. Or just go into the cabinet or fridge and get
something. If she's not hungry, she doesn't need to eat.
I have cabinets my son (5) can access if he wants something in particular.
He'll drag a chair over to the fridge if he wants something he can't reach.
(That used to take a long time and was hilarious to watch because he'd stand
on the chair and open the door into himself then realize he should move the
chair out a bit, open the door, then move the chair in front of the fridge.
This involved a lot of getting on and off the chair, and sometimes a lot of
scooting to get it just right, which was hilarious when he was about 2. I
tried hard not to laugh out loud, often stayed around the corner!) If he
can't open a package he'll bring it to me and I'll open it. We don't need
words, although I like it when he says please. I might say hey, the fridge
door is open, could you please close it? I didn't have to do a lot of
talking about food going bad or how you should always close the door after
you get what you wanted. Just please close the door.
Often there is too much talking about food or other things. It has started
to annoy me when parents ask kids to "use your words" when they know damn
well from the child's actions or emotions what he wants or feels. If Damon
wants something to drink, he might bring me a cup (from his own cabinet I
set up when he was 1, it's lower, in the center island, and has all of his
sized stuff, cups, plates, bowls, forks, spoons that he can get any time)
and if he's just handing me a cup I just ask what he wants in it.
<<The third issue is actually a two part issue but it involves clothing. >>
Try to let go of your thoughts about clothing and what "should be". Have a
coat and shoes and whatever you think she might need available when you go
out. You probably carried a diaper bag when she was a baby, it's like that.
Only make it a backpack or something. Just keep a set of clothes in the car,
but bring the jacket into a store so people will know you have it for her.
She'll know it's there and that she can grab it if she wants it. I've seen
lots of kids shopping in shorts, with no shoes, no jacket, wearing a tutu or
crazy hat. Try to not care!
My next door neighbors have 2 kids who wear shorts all winter. It snowed
last Dec and they did put jackets on, but one of them still had long shorts
on when they were playing in the snow. Maybe they are just hot blooded, warm
kids. Maybe they don't like the way clothes feel. I don't know, but I don't
think any amount of their mom telling them what they "should" be wearing has
deterred them from wearing shorts all year! I suspect she has stopped
bugging them about it, although I'm not sure. Maybe they wear shorts because
she bugs them too much!
<<She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. >>
This would bug me too, but try to let go of what YOU think her hair should
look like. My son loves his hair to be long, but when he sleeps it gets all
knotted up and tangled in the back. I can't run my hands through his hair
without getting a finger stuck in it. I call it a bird's nest and joke that
there's a bird living in there: Oh no! I think that bird had been building
her nest bigger, maybe she's getting ready to lay eggs! Wait, it that an egg
in there?! Maybe we should get the tangles out before it hatches! It makes
him laugh! If I did that every day it would get old, but if I make light of
it one morning I just might get him in the shower and he'll let me wash his
hair! Conditioner does wonders towards getting the knots out, but even just
getting it clean helps. I have a spray too that helps with tangles on dry or
wet hair. (I might try something like the above when I kind of would like to
get him in the shower and be clean for an event we're going to that day, but
for the most part, I don't force showers or hair washing.)
Damon got his hair cut recently (the only way this is even possible is if we
bring a photo of young Anakin Skywalker and say he wants to look like that,
although I say make the bangs a bit shorter because in photos that kid
always looks like he needs a haircut!). This time I did ask for the hair in
the back to be more layered and we have not had the knotty nest problem
lately.
I know of some other boys who do not like hair cuts and have very long hair.
They look like girls and even my son is confused and has said She or That
Girl when talking about the other kid. I know one of those boys also had
issues with tangles at the base of his neck and his mom found him with
scissors one day trying to cut the nest off! But he just wanted the problem
area gone, didn't really want a whole hair cut!
Poor Robyn! I had no idea she went through that issue with Jayn and the
dread locked hair! I guess I haven't been around that long and have never
met Robyn personally, and everyone can't talk about everything all the time,
so I guess it had to come up to help someone else for me to know about it.
I like Jenny's idea of braids. Do you know how to french braid? Maybe your
teen daughter does?! Maybe that would be something FUN they could do
together and that can stay for days if done right. Maybe get some library
books about doing hair, there might be something to inspire new and
different ways to wear it and that could become a "thing" you do every
morning. What do you want to do with your hair today?! Pony tails, pig
tails, braids, french braids, those are just the basics, there are many
exciting ways to vary and combine!
Or if she is not interested in getting fun with her hair and would rather
ignore it, get a hat, like Jenny said! You could make a hat (do you know how
to knit? would you like to learn?! there are so many choices of yarns! what
about felting? sewing?), or you could go shopping for one (retail, goodwill,
garage sales, bazaars). Maybe she gets into hat collecting or knitting hats
takes off into knitting clothes for her bears or socks for herself. Maybe it
doesn't go there, just be prepared to follow her lead and think of ways to
branch off. :)
These are all things I know and need to remember myself, so it's a good
reminder (and keeps it fresh) for me when I type this out for someone else!
Kim Z
(Damon, 5)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I can't speak about being bored. I suspect saying "bored" is from being in
school. My son doesn't say it but often acts like he is bored. It just means
she can't think of anything fun to do or maybe doesn't even know what's
available! My sometimes refuses any fun activity I offer, so I'm still
looking for ideas myself! (Often *I* am bored!) I too am interested in what
others will say on this topic!
<<The second issue is that she tells me that she is hungry but does not want
to eat anything.>>
Sounds like you are trying too hard to make sure she eats. Don't talk about
eating so much. If everyone is eating at the same time, make a little extra
and let her know it's there. If your kids are grazers and eat lunch at
different times or graze on snacks all day, just put stuff out for all of
them. Buy what you know she'll eat (for my son his favorite is chicken
nuggets, so I try to not run out of those) and make a little bit and put it
out. I say don't make too much because if she doesn't want that, and if you
don't like throwing food away, you may end up eating it! I like chicken
nuggets, but I've also let 2 sit out all day and thrown them away. If she is
really hungry and doesn't want what you've put out, she'll probably tell you
what she does want instead. Or just go into the cabinet or fridge and get
something. If she's not hungry, she doesn't need to eat.
I have cabinets my son (5) can access if he wants something in particular.
He'll drag a chair over to the fridge if he wants something he can't reach.
(That used to take a long time and was hilarious to watch because he'd stand
on the chair and open the door into himself then realize he should move the
chair out a bit, open the door, then move the chair in front of the fridge.
This involved a lot of getting on and off the chair, and sometimes a lot of
scooting to get it just right, which was hilarious when he was about 2. I
tried hard not to laugh out loud, often stayed around the corner!) If he
can't open a package he'll bring it to me and I'll open it. We don't need
words, although I like it when he says please. I might say hey, the fridge
door is open, could you please close it? I didn't have to do a lot of
talking about food going bad or how you should always close the door after
you get what you wanted. Just please close the door.
Often there is too much talking about food or other things. It has started
to annoy me when parents ask kids to "use your words" when they know damn
well from the child's actions or emotions what he wants or feels. If Damon
wants something to drink, he might bring me a cup (from his own cabinet I
set up when he was 1, it's lower, in the center island, and has all of his
sized stuff, cups, plates, bowls, forks, spoons that he can get any time)
and if he's just handing me a cup I just ask what he wants in it.
<<The third issue is actually a two part issue but it involves clothing. >>
Try to let go of your thoughts about clothing and what "should be". Have a
coat and shoes and whatever you think she might need available when you go
out. You probably carried a diaper bag when she was a baby, it's like that.
Only make it a backpack or something. Just keep a set of clothes in the car,
but bring the jacket into a store so people will know you have it for her.
She'll know it's there and that she can grab it if she wants it. I've seen
lots of kids shopping in shorts, with no shoes, no jacket, wearing a tutu or
crazy hat. Try to not care!
My next door neighbors have 2 kids who wear shorts all winter. It snowed
last Dec and they did put jackets on, but one of them still had long shorts
on when they were playing in the snow. Maybe they are just hot blooded, warm
kids. Maybe they don't like the way clothes feel. I don't know, but I don't
think any amount of their mom telling them what they "should" be wearing has
deterred them from wearing shorts all year! I suspect she has stopped
bugging them about it, although I'm not sure. Maybe they wear shorts because
she bugs them too much!
<<She has really long hair but she hates getting her hair brushed. >>
This would bug me too, but try to let go of what YOU think her hair should
look like. My son loves his hair to be long, but when he sleeps it gets all
knotted up and tangled in the back. I can't run my hands through his hair
without getting a finger stuck in it. I call it a bird's nest and joke that
there's a bird living in there: Oh no! I think that bird had been building
her nest bigger, maybe she's getting ready to lay eggs! Wait, it that an egg
in there?! Maybe we should get the tangles out before it hatches! It makes
him laugh! If I did that every day it would get old, but if I make light of
it one morning I just might get him in the shower and he'll let me wash his
hair! Conditioner does wonders towards getting the knots out, but even just
getting it clean helps. I have a spray too that helps with tangles on dry or
wet hair. (I might try something like the above when I kind of would like to
get him in the shower and be clean for an event we're going to that day, but
for the most part, I don't force showers or hair washing.)
Damon got his hair cut recently (the only way this is even possible is if we
bring a photo of young Anakin Skywalker and say he wants to look like that,
although I say make the bangs a bit shorter because in photos that kid
always looks like he needs a haircut!). This time I did ask for the hair in
the back to be more layered and we have not had the knotty nest problem
lately.
I know of some other boys who do not like hair cuts and have very long hair.
They look like girls and even my son is confused and has said She or That
Girl when talking about the other kid. I know one of those boys also had
issues with tangles at the base of his neck and his mom found him with
scissors one day trying to cut the nest off! But he just wanted the problem
area gone, didn't really want a whole hair cut!
Poor Robyn! I had no idea she went through that issue with Jayn and the
dread locked hair! I guess I haven't been around that long and have never
met Robyn personally, and everyone can't talk about everything all the time,
so I guess it had to come up to help someone else for me to know about it.
I like Jenny's idea of braids. Do you know how to french braid? Maybe your
teen daughter does?! Maybe that would be something FUN they could do
together and that can stay for days if done right. Maybe get some library
books about doing hair, there might be something to inspire new and
different ways to wear it and that could become a "thing" you do every
morning. What do you want to do with your hair today?! Pony tails, pig
tails, braids, french braids, those are just the basics, there are many
exciting ways to vary and combine!
Or if she is not interested in getting fun with her hair and would rather
ignore it, get a hat, like Jenny said! You could make a hat (do you know how
to knit? would you like to learn?! there are so many choices of yarns! what
about felting? sewing?), or you could go shopping for one (retail, goodwill,
garage sales, bazaars). Maybe she gets into hat collecting or knitting hats
takes off into knitting clothes for her bears or socks for herself. Maybe it
doesn't go there, just be prepared to follow her lead and think of ways to
branch off. :)
These are all things I know and need to remember myself, so it's a good
reminder (and keeps it fresh) for me when I type this out for someone else!
Kim Z
(Damon, 5)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-<<The first issue is that she is always saying that she is bored.
http://sandradodd.com/BoredNoMore
And there are suggestions of things to do in a few places on the site
too:
http://sandradodd.com/strew/deblist
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>>=-I'm surprised no one put this link up (not even me):
http://sandradodd.com/BoredNoMore
And there are suggestions of things to do in a few places on the site
too:
http://sandradodd.com/strew/deblist
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heather
I have two always unschooled boys. One (Holden) is seven for a few more days. The very few times Holden has said he was bored was when he was missing his friends. I wonder if your daughter misses her schooled friends or homeschooled buddies? I have heard that girls require a lot more social stimulation. She may be missing the company of friends. It is something to consider and make sure her social needs are being met. Both of my boys are very social and have friends over almost every day for at least 1 to 6 hours. We also enjoy park days and other gatherings with unschooled and homeschooled friends.
Good luck to you and much peace!
~Heather Brown
Mom to Holden and Camden
Good luck to you and much peace!
~Heather Brown
Mom to Holden and Camden
--- In [email protected], KaitKalKenz3@... wrote:
>
> I haven't posted in a while but I really need help. I just started unschooling my 3 children in August. They are 17, 15, and 7. My 7 year old daughter is having 3 issues right now that I can not seem to figure out what to do. All three issues seem to do with me giving her too many choices. Let me know if you all feel that this is the case or not.
>