Marcia Simonds

OK .
I have tried to keep quiet and not bug him,. He is 13 and knows what he wants and needs, but tonight in 37 degree weather, when everyone else ( crowds of people) was wearing a jacket, a sweatshirt,or a long sleeve shirt layered , he was just wearing a thin, black, short sleeve t-shirt. And after the event he is going somehere else and won't be home until after midnight.

He brought his sweatshirt to the car when we left but when we got there, he just got out and shut the door and I thought he forgot it. I put down the window to remind him and he just have me a look.

I don't believe he was not cold, it's freezing out. you should have seen what he wore at home when he went to feed the animals.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it but my insides go crazy. He looks absolutely ridiculous and no doubt everyone else thinks so too.( the only people that wouldn't think anything would be unschoolers and there aren't many around <<G>>)

I guess I just want input or a good slap to say leave him alone ! <<G>>..

I just don't know WHY I just can't let it go??? I know one thing, one of the worse things for me is to be cold, so I know that is probably part of it.

~marcia
http://livefreeinharmony.xanga.com


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Jenny Cyphers

***He brought his sweatshirt to the car when we left but when we got there, he just got out and shut the door and I thought he forgot it. I put down the window to remind him and he just have me a look.***
 
Perhaps you've nagged him too much about it if he's giving you a "look".  It's not a simple reminder if you are continuously telling him.  Otherwise it could be a "no thanks" on his part.

***I don't believe he was not cold, it's freezing out.***
 
Obviously, he felt different.  Why is that wrong?  Or maybe he doesn't like his jacket, maybe he'd prefer one of a different style and doesn't want to wear one that he feels looks doofy on him and he'd rather be cold than look doofy.  Chamille's done that sort of thing, more so when she was 13, than now at 15.
 
***I don't want to make a big deal out of it but my insides go crazy. He looks absolutely ridiculous and no doubt everyone else thinks so too***
 
That is way too much emotional investment in whether or not a kid wears a jacket.  He's 13, let it go.  If he wants to wear a jacket, he'll wear one, if he's forgetful, make sure to bring one for him or give him a real simple reminder and then back off and leave it alone.
 
*** I know one thing, one of the worse things for me is to be cold, so I know that is probably part of it.***
 
Yeah me too.  I hate being cold, but I remember being a kid and not really caring.





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Pam Sorooshian

On 11/7/2009 4:48 PM, Marcia Simonds wrote:
> I guess I just want input or a good slap to say leave him alone !<<G>>..
>

He "gave you a look?" What was that about?

-pam

Sandra Dodd

I think maybe he needs a cooler jacket, and maybe money to buy one
without going shopping with his mom, if that's an affordable option.

Maybe some long sleeved t-shirts.

Sandra

Ed Wendell

At the same age our son did the opposite he wore a leather down coat into the summer months. He said he liked the jacket - it was comfy and he liked the "look". He also had another lighter weight jacket that he wore all the time - said the same thing - he liked the look. He also had a matching hat that he wore everywhere.

He outgrew them eventually - the coats that is. We tried to find him a new one but he never did find one he liked at the time. He did find a new one about a month ago and wears it a lot but not as much.

Oh he also found a trench coat at a thrift store about a month ago that he likes and is searching for a fedora to wear with it. Though he did say he is a bit self-conscious when he wears it.

Zac never has liked heavy coats - even as an infant - I think it was the restrictiveness of a heavy coat that he did not like - even though we are in MO and it can get into the minuses weather wise. He also will not wear shorts in the hottest weather.


So I'd guess your son might just like the look - or the coat is uncomfortable? Have you asked him why he chooses not to wear a coat?

Lisa W.



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Robyn L. Coburn

I was at the frigid, windblown park the other day with three other moms. Two
of us, all bundled up in coats, sweaters and beanies were still chilly. One
was wearing long sleeves and a skirt and was embracing the wind but starting
to feel cold. I think she eventually put on a thin cardigan. The last was
wearing a short sleeved t-shirt and finally started to feel a bit cold after
about 30 minutes while we two cold feelers had chattering teeth. The other
two ladies have both described themselves as "running hotter than normal".

People do. Perhaps your son does too.

<<<< He looks absolutely ridiculous and no doubt everyone else thinks so
too>>>>

You really have "no doubt" that "everyone" thinks he looks "absolutely
ridiculous". Everybody in a big crowd at some exciting event, that
presumeably includes his friends, are so busy examining and judging the
apparel of one 13 year old boy.

Consider yourself slapped.

I started not hassling Jayn about her clothing from the day she was born.
When she was an infant I needed to use close observation to see if she
seemed too warm or too cold. I learnt that she cried if she got cold at all,
and her feet were a good indicator.

Later I could trust her to answer honestly with words or gestures if she
didn't need her jacket, but I always brought one along to have on hand. I
carried shoes, sweaters, hats visibly to deter strangers' judgments. I
didn't argue when she wanted to wear several layers on a hot day, beyond
saying "it's hot out today".

I don't know what to do to restore the trust between you. But I think you do
have to begin with yourself and truly coming to peace in your heart with his
clothing choices. If between the pair of you, there is some kind of power
playing (which might be indicated by "the look"), it only takes one of you
to change the dynamic.

For example, if he is using his clothing choices to challenge you, if you
choose not to rise to his challenge, you free both of you from this
unpleasant game. Eventually he will feel free to choose his clothes based on
his own comfort and taste, and not have any kind of emotional overlay that
makes your advice or suggestions abhorrent to him.

If he feels controlled or believes that you are being too pushy, you can
start to change that by being acceptant in your heart - that will spill out
to your attitude and demeanor.

How to become acceptant? I like to take a deep breath or two and think to
myself "All is well." I also notice where the tension is within my body -
really notice and take a moment to feel that coiled spring in my stomach. It
helps me to see that these feelings that I want to deny are nothing more
than my own desire to control are all my own doing and my own
responsibility - and much less to do with the choices that anyone else, such
as my dd and my dh, are making.

Another self-change strategy is to actively notice, even comment on
something wonderful and positive about your child in that stressful moment.
Instead of noticing his thin t-shirt, remind your self how tall he has
grown, how confident he is, how handsome.

I started with my infant, but even 13 is not too late to start supporting
his choices.

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com

Schuyler

Simon and Linnaea can tolerate cold at levels that I can't. I often just bring jackets for them that I carry wherever we go and that they can opt to wear at any point. Sometimes I carry them the whole time, even while I'm bundled up in my own coat with gloves on and a hat. They use energy in a different way to me. They move more, they don't necessarily notice being cold. It hasn't hurt them. They don't have leprosy, they don't have a lack of sensation in their fingers and toes that make it vital for them to dress appropriately to offset the risks of the weather.

I'd grab his jacket and just carry it, shove it in a backpack and if he got cold, offer it. Otherwise, let it be.

Schuyler




________________________________
From: Marcia Simonds <MarSi77@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, 8 November, 2009 0:48:53
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] just wearing thin t-shirt

OK .
I have tried to keep quiet and not bug him,. He is 13 and knows what he wants and needs, but tonight in 37 degree weather, when everyone else ( crowds of people)  was wearing a jacket, a sweatshirt,or a long sleeve shirt layered , he was just wearing a thin, black, short sleeve t-shirt. And after the event he is going somehere else and won't be home until after midnight.

He brought his sweatshirt to the car when we left but when we got there, he just got out and shut the door and I thought he forgot it. I put down the window to remind him and he just have me a look.

I don't believe he was not cold, it's freezing out. you should have seen what he wore at home when he went to feed the animals.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it but my insides go crazy. He looks absolutely ridiculous and no doubt everyone else thinks so too.( the only people that wouldn't think anything would be unschoolers and there aren't many around <<G>>)

I guess I just want input or a good slap to say leave him alone ! <<G>>..

I just don't know WHY I just can't let it go??? I know one thing, one of the worse things for me is to be cold, so I know that is probably part of it.

~

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Marcia Simonds

The *look* I got from him basically said, I know what I am doing, don't mention it again, leave me alone! which in hindsight means that *I* have obviously been dwelling on the jacket thing way too much.

Luckily, that is the only thing I have been bugging him about, and I finally realized I needed to bring it to the list to get a grasp on myself. Deep down I knew I should let it go, but for some reason I didn't.

I never gave it a thought that he might want *cooler* clothing to wear. He hasn't mentioned any clothing that he wants, but perhaps that IS how he feels. And we can do that...or he can do that.

And of course noone is dwelling on what he is or isn't wearing. ( noone except me , that is). And thanks Robyn I think I really needed that slap

I also loved what Robyn said:
"Another self-change strategy is to actively notice, even comment on something wonderful and positive about your child in that stressful moment. Instead of noticing his thin t-shirt, remind your self how tall he has
grown, how confident he is, how handsome."

Ths really touched me and you are sooo right. He is such a handsome, wonderful child, a friend, a loving being who is making his way in this world, and instead of embracing his whole self, I have been making his life less than joyful by fussing over a jacket.

Thank you for your insight, all of you, and your reality check. It's so great to able to get help when one needs it :)

~marcia simonds
http://livefreeinharmony.xanga.com



----- Original Message -----
From: Robyn L. Coburn
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, November 08, 2009 1:39 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] just wearing thin t-shirt



I was at the frigid, windblown park the other day with three other moms. Two
of us, all bundled up in coats, sweaters and beanies were still chilly. One
was wearing long sleeves and a skirt and was embracing the wind but starting
to feel cold. I think she eventually put on a thin cardigan. The last was
wearing a short sleeved t-shirt and finally started to feel a bit cold after
about 30 minutes while we two cold feelers had chattering teeth. The other
two ladies have both described themselves as "running hotter than normal".

People do. Perhaps your son does too.

<<<< He looks absolutely ridiculous and no doubt everyone else thinks so
too>>>>

You really have "no doubt" that "everyone" thinks he looks "absolutely
ridiculous". Everybody in a big crowd at some exciting event, that
presumeably includes his friends, are so busy examining and judging the
apparel of one 13 year old boy.

Consider yourself slapped.

I started not hassling Jayn about her clothing from the day she was born.
When she was an infant I needed to use close observation to see if she
seemed too warm or too cold. I learnt that she cried if she got cold at all,
and her feet were a good indicator.

Later I could trust her to answer honestly with words or gestures if she
didn't need her jacket, but I always brought one along to have on hand. I
carried shoes, sweaters, hats visibly to deter strangers' judgments. I
didn't argue when she wanted to wear several layers on a hot day, beyond
saying "it's hot out today".

I don't know what to do to restore the trust between you. But I think you do
have to begin with yourself and truly coming to peace in your heart with his
clothing choices. If between the pair of you, there is some kind of power
playing (which might be indicated by "the look"), it only takes one of you
to change the dynamic.

For example, if he is using his clothing choices to challenge you, if you
choose not to rise to his challenge, you free both of you from this
unpleasant game. Eventually he will feel free to choose his clothes based on
his own comfort and taste, and not have any kind of emotional overlay that
makes your advice or suggestions abhorrent to him.

If he feels controlled or believes that you are being too pushy, you can
start to change that by being acceptant in your heart - that will spill out
to your attitude and demeanor.

How to become acceptant? I like to take a deep breath or two and think to
myself "All is well." I also notice where the tension is within my body -
really notice and take a moment to feel that coiled spring in my stomach. It
helps me to see that these feelings that I want to deny are nothing more
than my own desire to control are all my own doing and my own
responsibility - and much less to do with the choices that anyone else, such
as my dd and my dh, are making.

Another self-change strategy is to actively notice, even comment on
something wonderful and positive about your child in that stressful moment.
Instead of noticing his thin t-shirt, remind your self how tall he has
grown, how confident he is, how handsome.

I started with my infant, but even 13 is not too late to start supporting
his choices.

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com






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BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

It was an absolutely gorgeous day here in Minnesota yesterday and we decided to go to a  State Park where there is a beach to play. It could be the last nice day "warm" for many, many months.
The kids played in the sand with their friends who joined us. They  had on bathing suits , shorts and t-shirts. They went into the water up to their butts. The sand was pretty cold.
I took severls change of clothles, a blanket and towels. They did not get cold at all!!!!!!!!!
It never made it to 70 degrees Farenheit!!!!!!!!!!

People were hiking in long pants and jackets around the park!!!!!!!!!!!
Cold is relative.
 
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/

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Sandra Dodd

-=- If between the pair of you, there is some kind of power
playing (which might be indicated by "the look"), it only takes one of
you
to change the dynamic.-=-

Yes, and don't keep waiting for the teenaged boy to give in and wear
what his mom tells him to wear. That cements the power relationship
at the expense of a generous, trusting relationship.

-=-How to become acceptant? I like to take a deep breath or two and
think to
myself "All is well."-=-

You could think "He's safe; he's not in a war zone; he owns other
clothes and isn't wearing the only shirt he owns."

Robin's post was really good and I want to quote some more of it in
case anyone skimmed it before.

-=-Another self-change strategy is to actively notice, even comment on
something wonderful and positive about your child in that stressful
moment.
Instead of noticing his thin t-shirt, remind your self how tall he has
grown, how confident he is, how handsome.

-=-I started with my infant, but even 13 is not too late to start
supporting
his choices.-=-

My husband used to wear shorts and t-shirts about ten months of the
year. As he got older, it started being sweat pants and a flannel
shirt as a jacket. Those same days, I'd be wearing lots of clothes
and a coat and a hat.

If you treat your son more as you would another adult, that might help.

Sandra

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