Having Issues
Sandra Dodd
-=-We all have issues about something. They go deep and are tangled up
around other stuff but working at them bit by bit can make them
better.-=-
Joyce wrote that in this post
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/48046
It was about food, but I want to use it as a jumping off place to
bring together some bits and pieces of posts, chats and questions over
the past few weeks.
Some people cling to their issues because they've labelled themselves
and made a little secret fort (which they keep announcing) to hide in,
and nurse their glorious wounds. There were a few years when I was
learning about the effects of alcoholism on the non-drinking children
and relatives of the alcoholics, and because I went to a meeting every
week and helped other people understand it I was very definitely the
Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I was vigilant and self-conscious in the
choices I made, seeing them all in that light.
I had discovered I had a big issue, and I worked through it. I'm
still an adult child of an alcoholic, but now the thought comes to
mind two or three times a year, maybe, if someone else doesn't bring
it up.
I could have lived there. I could have used it as an excuse for
reactive and irrational behavior, but in working through it bit by
bit, I also started to see what was a natural part of me and not
caused by my mother's inconstant and unreliable presence, or by my
feeling that if I helped her pay her phone bill, and let her borrow my
car, somehow the alcoholism would be gone.
Because I had children, I consciously worked on those issues so the
problem wouldn't passed on to them, too.
Other parents have other issues, about abuse or neglect or bereavement
or religion or guilt or higher education or class or race or body
image. For the purposes of unschooling, those are the things the
parents need to deal with directly and quickly, with professional help
if necessary (at least indirect professional help--books, groups,
webpages) to get clear what is a natural part of you and what is odd
emotional rashes and baggage.
Meanwhile, while the issues are being examined, be attentive and sweet
to your children. That might be one of your best healing tools. It
helped me immensely, and I've seen it help some others. Don't justify
reactionary treatment of your children by saying "Well, I was raped so
they will be"; "I overate so they will"; "I was forced to go to
church so they will never see the inside of a church ever."
When a parent's choices are based on being the same or being the
opposite of parents or of anyone else, they're reacting. Sometimes in
a healing phase that can help. It can help to have role models. It
can help to have bad examples, marked like crime scenes in our
memories, to remind us. Let the reactions be part of a temporary
healing phase, though. Let reactions be a stepping stone toward
mindful actions.
When the issues are identified and dealt with, let them fade into
occasional memory, not constant reminder. Don't label yourself in
ways that hurt your children. Don't declare yourself to have a
handicap and keep that for life as a "get out of jail free" card that
you play when you were irresponsible and want to whine, "Yeah, but..."
and not be a mindful adult.
Unschooled kids can't have irresponsible parents and still have the
full benefit of unschooling. Being a good unschooling parent involves
being a good person, a good parent. Unschooling can't work unless the
parent is there, whole and attentive and not screwing it up.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
around other stuff but working at them bit by bit can make them
better.-=-
Joyce wrote that in this post
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/48046
It was about food, but I want to use it as a jumping off place to
bring together some bits and pieces of posts, chats and questions over
the past few weeks.
Some people cling to their issues because they've labelled themselves
and made a little secret fort (which they keep announcing) to hide in,
and nurse their glorious wounds. There were a few years when I was
learning about the effects of alcoholism on the non-drinking children
and relatives of the alcoholics, and because I went to a meeting every
week and helped other people understand it I was very definitely the
Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I was vigilant and self-conscious in the
choices I made, seeing them all in that light.
I had discovered I had a big issue, and I worked through it. I'm
still an adult child of an alcoholic, but now the thought comes to
mind two or three times a year, maybe, if someone else doesn't bring
it up.
I could have lived there. I could have used it as an excuse for
reactive and irrational behavior, but in working through it bit by
bit, I also started to see what was a natural part of me and not
caused by my mother's inconstant and unreliable presence, or by my
feeling that if I helped her pay her phone bill, and let her borrow my
car, somehow the alcoholism would be gone.
Because I had children, I consciously worked on those issues so the
problem wouldn't passed on to them, too.
Other parents have other issues, about abuse or neglect or bereavement
or religion or guilt or higher education or class or race or body
image. For the purposes of unschooling, those are the things the
parents need to deal with directly and quickly, with professional help
if necessary (at least indirect professional help--books, groups,
webpages) to get clear what is a natural part of you and what is odd
emotional rashes and baggage.
Meanwhile, while the issues are being examined, be attentive and sweet
to your children. That might be one of your best healing tools. It
helped me immensely, and I've seen it help some others. Don't justify
reactionary treatment of your children by saying "Well, I was raped so
they will be"; "I overate so they will"; "I was forced to go to
church so they will never see the inside of a church ever."
When a parent's choices are based on being the same or being the
opposite of parents or of anyone else, they're reacting. Sometimes in
a healing phase that can help. It can help to have role models. It
can help to have bad examples, marked like crime scenes in our
memories, to remind us. Let the reactions be part of a temporary
healing phase, though. Let reactions be a stepping stone toward
mindful actions.
When the issues are identified and dealt with, let them fade into
occasional memory, not constant reminder. Don't label yourself in
ways that hurt your children. Don't declare yourself to have a
handicap and keep that for life as a "get out of jail free" card that
you play when you were irresponsible and want to whine, "Yeah, but..."
and not be a mindful adult.
Unschooled kids can't have irresponsible parents and still have the
full benefit of unschooling. Being a good unschooling parent involves
being a good person, a good parent. Unschooling can't work unless the
parent is there, whole and attentive and not screwing it up.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
memismommy
Are you planning on giving this a page on your site? I really hope so. It is very very powerful. I just read it, and already feel myself starting to absorb it, and making connections, and other things I'm living right now coalescing around it...
I'm looking forward to what it's going to become - what you gather, who replies and how, what tangents might develop, where it will carry me if I let it.
More perception shifts? I hope so. I want to reach higher, sink deeper into peace ad joy and understanding. I want to see just how wonderful a life we can make fro ourselves, here....
Peace!
Shan
"The Unfettered Life"
www.memismommy.blogspot.com
I'm looking forward to what it's going to become - what you gather, who replies and how, what tangents might develop, where it will carry me if I let it.
More perception shifts? I hope so. I want to reach higher, sink deeper into peace ad joy and understanding. I want to see just how wonderful a life we can make fro ourselves, here....
Peace!
Shan
"The Unfettered Life"
www.memismommy.blogspot.com
Sandra Dodd
-=-Are you planning on giving this a page on your site? I really hope
so. It is very very powerful. -=-
Thanks. I suppose I should.
I could put links to particular things, like recovering from
disappointing births, or having lost parents or being from divorced
families or whatever people want to suggest or find links to.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
so. It is very very powerful. -=-
Thanks. I suppose I should.
I could put links to particular things, like recovering from
disappointing births, or having lost parents or being from divorced
families or whatever people want to suggest or find links to.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
http://sandradodd.com/issues
"I used to be a teacher, so..."
Growing up with only one parent can make it hard.
Being a single parent is often an issue!
Maybe we should keep it to internal "issues," rather than outer
realities and circumstances, maybe. Kind of. Perhaps.
Sandra
"I used to be a teacher, so..."
Growing up with only one parent can make it hard.
Being a single parent is often an issue!
Maybe we should keep it to internal "issues," rather than outer
realities and circumstances, maybe. Kind of. Perhaps.
Sandra
akorn1269
I have found unschooling and healing a wonderful blend. Since living and learning go hand in hand we are less stressed from being forced/coerced by others. I personally struggled with past traumas for many years till I came to a realisation that the traumas were all around how others crossed my boundaries and forced me into situations I had no control over. When this happened it was a paradigm shift in my thinking about how my parenting was. I then have worked dillengently to not force/coerce my kids into MY past "issues." JOY is what they need from me and appreciation for their presence. Tolerance and trust are crucial. Thank you for your wonderful insights on your web site and this group. It is so wonderful to find others with similar concepts on living.
Anna
Anna