Time with daughter
Kathryn
My daughter, Mia, is 7 and a half. She has two younger brothers, Jude (4) and Rueben (1). Her resentment toward Jude rears its ugly head on ocassion. She is starting to show signs of resentment toward Rueben now, too. I was hoping to get some advice. For example, Mia and I used to spend a lot of time in her room, just the two of us, prior to Rueben's birth. Even when Jude was a toddler, he was more independent, and didn't need to be so close always. Rueben, on the other hand, is quite attached, and these times alone with Mia simply do not happen. Well -- rarely, anyway. Mia constantly wishes her brothers 'didn't exist' so it can be just 'me, you and Daddy' again. Weekends we get time together, with Rueben in tow. Jude stays with partner/Dad (Paul). This is the best I can do. And it was EASY when he was a baby . . . but now, our time together always seem rushed. Always determined by Rueben, and *his* needs to feed/eat/sleep, etc. I see many chances for life exploration, but I simply have to keep things moving along (physically) because it's just not appropriate with a toddler in tow. She wants to go to a fancy resturant with me and Paul, catch a train into the city (a good hour) and climb the Eureka Building (tallest in Melb. with a viewing platform), go to an opera/ballet, etc -- these things are just not possible with Rueben in tow. I can see why she resents him! I understand that this is the reality we live in, but *I* also would LOVE to be able to spend one-on-one with her, taking part in these really exciting activities together. We really want this, and I honestly don't know how I can give it to her now. I appreciate that in maybe 6 months or so Rueben will losen his attachment, but not something that can be predicted. Mia wants to know 'when' from me. All I can say is 'when Rueben is a little older'. It's just not good enough.
I just can't seem to think outside the square with this one! Any experiences, advice, etc? Please share.
Regards
Kathryn D
I just can't seem to think outside the square with this one! Any experiences, advice, etc? Please share.
Regards
Kathryn D
Sandra Dodd
-=-Her resentment toward Jude rears its ugly head on ocassion.-=-
Please be careful what you write about your children. By doing that
you'll be more careful what you think about your children. You're
thinking of "Mia" and "ugly" all in the same thought.
-=Mia constantly wishes her brothers 'didn't exist' so it can be just
'me, you and Daddy' again.-=-
I was the oldest. I know that feeling.
When my oldest expressed that feeling I was as compassionate as I
could be, because I knew that his idyllic life with his two parents
had ended forever. That's no small thing, for a child. He was the
baby; then he wasn't. He had us all to himself; then he didn't.
-=Weekends we get time together, with Rueben in tow. Jude stays with
partner/Dad (Paul). This is the best I can do-=-
If it makes you feel better to declare that to be the best you can do,
that soothes you, but what will soothe Mia?
I don't think that's the best you can do.
-=I see many chances for life exploration, but I simply have to keep
things moving along (physically) because it's just not appropriate
with a toddler in tow. -=-
"Simply have to" is another blockage for you. Please read this.
Others will probably have many practical suggestions for you.
http://sandradodd.com/haveto
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Please be careful what you write about your children. By doing that
you'll be more careful what you think about your children. You're
thinking of "Mia" and "ugly" all in the same thought.
-=Mia constantly wishes her brothers 'didn't exist' so it can be just
'me, you and Daddy' again.-=-
I was the oldest. I know that feeling.
When my oldest expressed that feeling I was as compassionate as I
could be, because I knew that his idyllic life with his two parents
had ended forever. That's no small thing, for a child. He was the
baby; then he wasn't. He had us all to himself; then he didn't.
-=Weekends we get time together, with Rueben in tow. Jude stays with
partner/Dad (Paul). This is the best I can do-=-
If it makes you feel better to declare that to be the best you can do,
that soothes you, but what will soothe Mia?
I don't think that's the best you can do.
-=I see many chances for life exploration, but I simply have to keep
things moving along (physically) because it's just not appropriate
with a toddler in tow. -=-
"Simply have to" is another blockage for you. Please read this.
Others will probably have many practical suggestions for you.
http://sandradodd.com/haveto
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Su Penn
On Aug 10, 2009, at 11:34 AM, Kathryn wrote:
some of those things are on your "can't do" list. Why can't you take
Reuben on the train and up the Eureka building with you, for instance
(It's 88 stories high--they must have elevators!)? You may not be able
to spent a lot of time alone with your daughter but does having a
toddler really have to restrict what you can do with her so very much?
There are many many really exciting activities that can be done with
multiple children. Maybe not the opera, but an afternoon concert of
folk music? Maybe not a fancy restaurant, but a mid-range one, or an
interesting quirky restaurant like one we have here in town where you
place your order using a telephone in the booth, or the one that's
also a tuba museum. Maybe not the ballet, but an open-air dance
concert at a cultural festival? What about art or archaeology museums?
You're in Melbourne, or nearby you say? I look at this list of
attractions (http://www.hellomelbourne.com.au/Attractions.aspx) and
can see tons of stuff I could do with my three kids, who are 8, 5, and
2. "Gondola down the Yarra," indeed! Street performers in the Bourke
Street Mall. Gardens at the Yarra Green Belt. Coffee and cake shops in
the Greek Precinct...
Maybe if you start having some adventures that include all the kids it
will reduce your daughter's frustration, and it might improve their
relationships to each other as well.
Su
mom of Eric, 8; Carl, 5; Yehva, 2
> I see many chances for life exploration, but I simply have to keepMaybe one-on-one isn't possible right now, but I don't understand why
> things moving along (physically) because it's just not appropriate
> with a toddler in tow. She wants to go to a fancy resturant with me
> and Paul, catch a train into the city (a good hour) and climb the
> Eureka Building (tallest in Melb. with a viewing platform), go to an
> opera/ballet, etc -- these things are just not possible with Rueben
> in tow. I can see why she resents him! I understand that this is
> the reality we live in, but *I* also would LOVE to be able to spend
> one-on-one with her, taking part in these really exciting activities
> together.
some of those things are on your "can't do" list. Why can't you take
Reuben on the train and up the Eureka building with you, for instance
(It's 88 stories high--they must have elevators!)? You may not be able
to spent a lot of time alone with your daughter but does having a
toddler really have to restrict what you can do with her so very much?
There are many many really exciting activities that can be done with
multiple children. Maybe not the opera, but an afternoon concert of
folk music? Maybe not a fancy restaurant, but a mid-range one, or an
interesting quirky restaurant like one we have here in town where you
place your order using a telephone in the booth, or the one that's
also a tuba museum. Maybe not the ballet, but an open-air dance
concert at a cultural festival? What about art or archaeology museums?
You're in Melbourne, or nearby you say? I look at this list of
attractions (http://www.hellomelbourne.com.au/Attractions.aspx) and
can see tons of stuff I could do with my three kids, who are 8, 5, and
2. "Gondola down the Yarra," indeed! Street performers in the Bourke
Street Mall. Gardens at the Yarra Green Belt. Coffee and cake shops in
the Greek Precinct...
Maybe if you start having some adventures that include all the kids it
will reduce your daughter's frustration, and it might improve their
relationships to each other as well.
Su
mom of Eric, 8; Carl, 5; Yehva, 2
Sandra Dodd
-=-Maybe if you start having some adventures that include all the kids
it
will reduce your daughter's frustration, and it might improve their
relationships to each other as well.-=-
Good idea!
Also, if you have single female friends who might like to go to the
opera or musicals, maybe you could buy two tickets and ask them to
take your daughter. We did that a couple of times when we had one kid
who wanted to go to an event or game and couldn't go alone. Then the
rest of us could stay with the kids. It's less expensive than two or
three tickets and a babysitter.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
it
will reduce your daughter's frustration, and it might improve their
relationships to each other as well.-=-
Good idea!
Also, if you have single female friends who might like to go to the
opera or musicals, maybe you could buy two tickets and ask them to
take your daughter. We did that a couple of times when we had one kid
who wanted to go to an event or game and couldn't go alone. Then the
rest of us could stay with the kids. It's less expensive than two or
three tickets and a babysitter.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
John Slater
--- In [email protected], "Kathryn" <kathryndubay@...> wrote:
One thing we established at an early age was that dh gave the boys their bath. If he took both boys at once it gave me time to do something else. If he took one at a time, it gave me one-on-one time with the other. Could you work on establishing a short time that Reuben is with your husband? Maybe it could just be a few minutes for now, but they might both want to expand on it.
******
She wants to go to a fancy resturant with me and Paul, catch a train into the city (a good hour) and climb the Eureka Building (tallest in Melb. with a viewing platform), go to an opera/ballet, etc -- these things are just not possible with Rueben in tow.
******
Can you talk about all the cool things you CAN do with the boys? Or on short outings close to home. Maybe after the boys are sleeping. Even going to get a milkshake might be enough.
I know my boys like to stay close to home and we just focus on the cool things to do close, and plan other things for someday. Maybe you could even get tickets to a cool show/ballet in 6 months to a years time.
HTH,
Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 6
>*****
> My daughter, Mia, is 7 and a half. She has two younger brothers, Jude (4) and Rueben (1).
One thing we established at an early age was that dh gave the boys their bath. If he took both boys at once it gave me time to do something else. If he took one at a time, it gave me one-on-one time with the other. Could you work on establishing a short time that Reuben is with your husband? Maybe it could just be a few minutes for now, but they might both want to expand on it.
******
She wants to go to a fancy resturant with me and Paul, catch a train into the city (a good hour) and climb the Eureka Building (tallest in Melb. with a viewing platform), go to an opera/ballet, etc -- these things are just not possible with Rueben in tow.
******
Can you talk about all the cool things you CAN do with the boys? Or on short outings close to home. Maybe after the boys are sleeping. Even going to get a milkshake might be enough.
I know my boys like to stay close to home and we just focus on the cool things to do close, and plan other things for someday. Maybe you could even get tickets to a cool show/ballet in 6 months to a years time.
HTH,
Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 6