Unschooling for 7 years (long post)
Jill Parmer
I'm not one to remember anniversaries, but for some reason, I
remembered that April is our anniversary month for unschooling.
Seven years ago, I sat at the dining table forcing Addi to do saxon
math for three hours! We were both in tears, from frustration and
fear. And I said to myself, NEVER AGAIN! Nothing is worth what we
went through that day. I had ignored Luke (3 years old then) for
those three hours, unconscionable to me today. So many thoughts sped
through my head when I made that declaration, one of which was that I
was prepared to go to the mat with Steve on this issue. It's
sometimes been rocky with him; he likes convention, and the
traditional; unschooling still freaks him out for a moment or two.
But I've become better at calming his fears, from learning about
natural learning, and deeply paying attention to my kids, and
expressing (and arguing) that to/with him. But he gets it that all
the spoken and unspoken promises of school and schooling don't come
to pass. It's a carrot on a stick; you can never get it, you always
have to think ahead, you can't relax in the moment, you have to push,
you barely get to breathe.
I had come across unschooling about a year before that ugly saxon
math day, but it freaked Steve out and he wanted to see more regular
school, so I tried it for 9 months. I'm embarrassed to say that all
the rage that year in our homeschooling group was the well-trained
mind, which is what I subjected Addi to (not as strict as the program
lays out, but still...). Ugh. Hmmm, interesting enough I've been
cleaning out lots of nooks and crannies lately and I came across the
huge binders that you are supposed to use for that program in which
to keep all the paperwork (read: shit) your poor kid generates, and
one of the saxon math workbooks; that all got taken away in the
garbage today. I thought about giving the workbook away to a local
homeschooler, but I didn't want any part of that pain inflicted on
another kid. I also found some of Addi's papers from that time; they
are lifeless.
But enough about schoolish crap.
Seven years ago also marks when I committed to learning about
unschooling, reading at a message board and then finding email lists,
and Sandra's site and later Joyce's site.
Addi only went to preschool, kindergarden, and 10 days of first
grade, but the damage was done. Deschooling seemed way longer than
the, one month for every year your kid was in school; it seems 8
months ago I was helping Addi through an angsty time of, 'the kids
from school know more factoids than me', and that they connect with
each other over school drivel, and she was feeling like an outsider.
Luke who's never been to school has none of this, and he has an
unmistakable confidence in life. I think part, if not most of that
is their personalities, but schooling damaged Addi's confidence, and
unschooling has enhanced both their confidences.
Right now Addi is chatting with and counseling her friend, who has a
propensity for drama & trouble with friends and family.
Luke has just been describing to me some armor he is designing.
Today Luke went to the dentist to have a couple cavities filled, he
got really woozie and worn out from the anesthetic. He missed kung
fu, because he was still feeling wiped, but he had plans to talk to
the Sei Fu (sp?) about a problematic kid who disrupts the class a
lot, and we'll do that next Tuesday.
We all snuggled on my bed with the dogs and read _The Sea of
Monsters_. I'm reading it to Luke, Addi read it a long time ago, but
she wanted to come listen. We laughed our butts off at the funny
parts. I've become a really good oral reader, paying attention to
the words ahead so that I can use the correct voice to the correct
character. Luke and Addi both read and love reading, and still love
me to read to them. It's quite an interactive event, because we
fancy discussing the choices of the character and the words of the
author and the events and plots and all of it.
Luke played with friends on World of Warcraft & Warcraft 3, continued
their epic, highly detailed role-plays, negotiated frustrations with
each other.
Both my kids said, "I love you." to me about 5 times today.
Addi negotiated with a woman buying all her old tack from her horse
riding days; we looked at pictures of puppies that she gets to take
care of when we go to CA in a couple weeks.
We listened to music, did some trouble shooting on the computer,
cooked, played draw-a-letter-on-your-back-and-guess-it, looked at
some pictures of historical Fort Collins and learned that a prominent
white man (Antoine Janis) married an Oglala woman named, First Elk
Woman, the Oglala called Antione "Yellow Hair All Messed Up", he went
to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation with her when her people were
forced to move there rather than stay here without her; we made rice
crispy treats, danced, watched funny cat youtube videos,...
We discussed racism, human behavior, books, music, lyrics,
classification of plants, illnesses, dog behavior, past fun we've had
with dogs, life after death, CA fun places, getting shots (in
detail!),...
This week I made beignets for my family, Addi helped me chop down a
tree in the backyard (omg, she cracked me up with her tree limb
wrestling techniques, I almost peed my pants.), we delivered Meals
on Wheels (on our travels we saw a very tall, skinny guy with black
hair (style: mullet!), and black garb with metal rings and chains and
such, walking an impeccably groomed bright white pomeranian - awesome
sight); I got a compliment about Addi from a neighbor who thinks
she's blooming into such a wonderful young woman.
I often thank Addi for one of her qualities - persistence, and her
resistance to my attempted teaching of her when she 7 years old, for
that paved the way to unschooling for us. she always says, "ah mom,
it's ok." She's so generous it makes me cry.
I'm SO thankful to the people (namely, Deb L, Pam S, Sandra,
Schuyler, Joyce, Kelly L,) who continue to write and document about
unschooling on the international lists. Learning about and applying
unschooling principles has created such joyful, secure relationships
with my kids that I had never imagined. I feel SO lucky. It's been
a fun & challenging adventure and I'm excited for more.
~Jill (Addi 14, Luke 10)
remembered that April is our anniversary month for unschooling.
Seven years ago, I sat at the dining table forcing Addi to do saxon
math for three hours! We were both in tears, from frustration and
fear. And I said to myself, NEVER AGAIN! Nothing is worth what we
went through that day. I had ignored Luke (3 years old then) for
those three hours, unconscionable to me today. So many thoughts sped
through my head when I made that declaration, one of which was that I
was prepared to go to the mat with Steve on this issue. It's
sometimes been rocky with him; he likes convention, and the
traditional; unschooling still freaks him out for a moment or two.
But I've become better at calming his fears, from learning about
natural learning, and deeply paying attention to my kids, and
expressing (and arguing) that to/with him. But he gets it that all
the spoken and unspoken promises of school and schooling don't come
to pass. It's a carrot on a stick; you can never get it, you always
have to think ahead, you can't relax in the moment, you have to push,
you barely get to breathe.
I had come across unschooling about a year before that ugly saxon
math day, but it freaked Steve out and he wanted to see more regular
school, so I tried it for 9 months. I'm embarrassed to say that all
the rage that year in our homeschooling group was the well-trained
mind, which is what I subjected Addi to (not as strict as the program
lays out, but still...). Ugh. Hmmm, interesting enough I've been
cleaning out lots of nooks and crannies lately and I came across the
huge binders that you are supposed to use for that program in which
to keep all the paperwork (read: shit) your poor kid generates, and
one of the saxon math workbooks; that all got taken away in the
garbage today. I thought about giving the workbook away to a local
homeschooler, but I didn't want any part of that pain inflicted on
another kid. I also found some of Addi's papers from that time; they
are lifeless.
But enough about schoolish crap.
Seven years ago also marks when I committed to learning about
unschooling, reading at a message board and then finding email lists,
and Sandra's site and later Joyce's site.
Addi only went to preschool, kindergarden, and 10 days of first
grade, but the damage was done. Deschooling seemed way longer than
the, one month for every year your kid was in school; it seems 8
months ago I was helping Addi through an angsty time of, 'the kids
from school know more factoids than me', and that they connect with
each other over school drivel, and she was feeling like an outsider.
Luke who's never been to school has none of this, and he has an
unmistakable confidence in life. I think part, if not most of that
is their personalities, but schooling damaged Addi's confidence, and
unschooling has enhanced both their confidences.
Right now Addi is chatting with and counseling her friend, who has a
propensity for drama & trouble with friends and family.
Luke has just been describing to me some armor he is designing.
Today Luke went to the dentist to have a couple cavities filled, he
got really woozie and worn out from the anesthetic. He missed kung
fu, because he was still feeling wiped, but he had plans to talk to
the Sei Fu (sp?) about a problematic kid who disrupts the class a
lot, and we'll do that next Tuesday.
We all snuggled on my bed with the dogs and read _The Sea of
Monsters_. I'm reading it to Luke, Addi read it a long time ago, but
she wanted to come listen. We laughed our butts off at the funny
parts. I've become a really good oral reader, paying attention to
the words ahead so that I can use the correct voice to the correct
character. Luke and Addi both read and love reading, and still love
me to read to them. It's quite an interactive event, because we
fancy discussing the choices of the character and the words of the
author and the events and plots and all of it.
Luke played with friends on World of Warcraft & Warcraft 3, continued
their epic, highly detailed role-plays, negotiated frustrations with
each other.
Both my kids said, "I love you." to me about 5 times today.
Addi negotiated with a woman buying all her old tack from her horse
riding days; we looked at pictures of puppies that she gets to take
care of when we go to CA in a couple weeks.
We listened to music, did some trouble shooting on the computer,
cooked, played draw-a-letter-on-your-back-and-guess-it, looked at
some pictures of historical Fort Collins and learned that a prominent
white man (Antoine Janis) married an Oglala woman named, First Elk
Woman, the Oglala called Antione "Yellow Hair All Messed Up", he went
to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation with her when her people were
forced to move there rather than stay here without her; we made rice
crispy treats, danced, watched funny cat youtube videos,...
We discussed racism, human behavior, books, music, lyrics,
classification of plants, illnesses, dog behavior, past fun we've had
with dogs, life after death, CA fun places, getting shots (in
detail!),...
This week I made beignets for my family, Addi helped me chop down a
tree in the backyard (omg, she cracked me up with her tree limb
wrestling techniques, I almost peed my pants.), we delivered Meals
on Wheels (on our travels we saw a very tall, skinny guy with black
hair (style: mullet!), and black garb with metal rings and chains and
such, walking an impeccably groomed bright white pomeranian - awesome
sight); I got a compliment about Addi from a neighbor who thinks
she's blooming into such a wonderful young woman.
I often thank Addi for one of her qualities - persistence, and her
resistance to my attempted teaching of her when she 7 years old, for
that paved the way to unschooling for us. she always says, "ah mom,
it's ok." She's so generous it makes me cry.
I'm SO thankful to the people (namely, Deb L, Pam S, Sandra,
Schuyler, Joyce, Kelly L,) who continue to write and document about
unschooling on the international lists. Learning about and applying
unschooling principles has created such joyful, secure relationships
with my kids that I had never imagined. I feel SO lucky. It's been
a fun & challenging adventure and I'm excited for more.
~Jill (Addi 14, Luke 10)
Verna
Learning about and applying
Thanks for the inspiration.
Laura
(J-7, B-6, L-5, P-3)
> unschooling principles has created such joyful, secure relationshipsI dont know if I am just especially emotional today because I feel like spring is finally here or what but I was sitting here crying while reading your post. I hope I will be writing something like that in 7 years, when my oldest is 14 and my youngest is 10.
> with my kids that I had never imagined. I feel SO lucky. It's been
> a fun & challenging adventure and I'm excited for more.
>
> ~Jill (Addi 14, Luke 10)
>
Thanks for the inspiration.
Laura
(J-7, B-6, L-5, P-3)
claire.horsley08
I had tears in my eyes too. What a beautiful account of the profound connection between parents and kids that an unschooling lifestyle encourages. And it's open to any parent who has the guts to admit that what they might have been doing previously wasn't working, and who is willing to keep on working on themselves to be more patient, empathetic, loving and respectful. It's not always easy, but oh so worth it!
Pam Sorooshian
Happy Anniversary!!
It makes me so happy to think of you and your kids having such good
times and I LOVE hearing about the details.
Hoping to see you in California!!
-pam
It makes me so happy to think of you and your kids having such good
times and I LOVE hearing about the details.
Hoping to see you in California!!
-pam
On 4/17/2009 7:43 AM, Jill Parmer wrote:
> I'm not one to remember anniversaries, but for some reason, I
> remembered that April is our anniversary month for unschooling.
>
>
Sandra Dodd
Jill, that was beautiful. If you have any pictures to illustrate any
of the foods or people or places you mentioned, I'd love to have them
for here:
http://sandradodd.com/milestones/jill
If anyone else has any anniversaries or special days about which
you've already written, or which are coming up, I've begun a new
section of the site just for those.
http://sandradodd.com/milestones
Sandra
of the foods or people or places you mentioned, I'd love to have them
for here:
http://sandradodd.com/milestones/jill
If anyone else has any anniversaries or special days about which
you've already written, or which are coming up, I've begun a new
section of the site just for those.
http://sandradodd.com/milestones
Sandra
Schuyler
This is so beautiful. So wonderfully the life to live.
Simon turned 12 a couple of weeks ago. As I snuggled my newly 12 year old son and talked in awe of having this boy who I used to carry in one arm, who was so fragile and so tiny and still clearly such a life changing force become this 12 year old guy who I can talk to and listen to and hang out with and do stuff with and laugh with and who is this amazing part of my life, he asked if the time has flown by. It hasn't. One of the amazing things to me about unschooling is that I get all these precious moments all the time. I get to be there all the time. It doesn't fly by. And I said that, I said it has gone fabulously slowly. I said the past 12 years only feels like it's whizzed by when I look back on them, but in the moment, it is every moment. But maybe, I said, I haven't savored them as much as I'd like. Maybe there is more to being in the moment with him than I've done up to this point. So that's my birthday resolution.
I love your life well savored. Thank you so much for sharing about your anniversary.
Schuyler
I've been meaning to reply to this since it was posted, but my reply languished in my drafts box for so long...
________________________________
From: Jill Parmer <jparmer@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 17 April, 2009 3:43:38 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Unschooling for 7 years (long post)
I'm not one to remember anniversaries, but for some reason, I
remembered that April is our anniversary month for unschooling.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Simon turned 12 a couple of weeks ago. As I snuggled my newly 12 year old son and talked in awe of having this boy who I used to carry in one arm, who was so fragile and so tiny and still clearly such a life changing force become this 12 year old guy who I can talk to and listen to and hang out with and do stuff with and laugh with and who is this amazing part of my life, he asked if the time has flown by. It hasn't. One of the amazing things to me about unschooling is that I get all these precious moments all the time. I get to be there all the time. It doesn't fly by. And I said that, I said it has gone fabulously slowly. I said the past 12 years only feels like it's whizzed by when I look back on them, but in the moment, it is every moment. But maybe, I said, I haven't savored them as much as I'd like. Maybe there is more to being in the moment with him than I've done up to this point. So that's my birthday resolution.
I love your life well savored. Thank you so much for sharing about your anniversary.
Schuyler
I've been meaning to reply to this since it was posted, but my reply languished in my drafts box for so long...
________________________________
From: Jill Parmer <jparmer@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 17 April, 2009 3:43:38 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Unschooling for 7 years (long post)
I'm not one to remember anniversaries, but for some reason, I
remembered that April is our anniversary month for unschooling.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]