asking for forgiveness
melissa_hice
I know someone who says to their children when they have done
something 'wrong'
"Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
setting a bad example?"
I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
something 'wrong'
"Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
setting a bad example?"
I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
Robin
I'm not sure about that being manipulative, but maybe it is. It doesn't sit
right, either way. I have been known, on many occassions, to apologize to
my kids and my grandkids for something I've done. I believe that children
should know that we aren't perfect and that it's ok to respectfully
disagree. I think it sets a better example for them when they see us
recognize our own mistakes and apologize. I'm not sure we are giving the
same example when we point out their 'wrongs' and ask if they have seen us
do that. You know, as I sit here trying to focus my words and type them, I
think it is manipulative. It may not be an intentional manipulation, but
it is manipulation. If my child does something that I percieve as 'wrong',
the only effect I can see from that is guilt. By me saying, "Oh, I'm sorry
I've set a bad example. It's my fault you did this", I am trying to cause
them to feel guilt that they have made me feel responsible. That's
manipulation. It's also absolving them of responsibility and that isn't
what I want to teach my children/grandchildren. I want them to learn to
accept responsibility for the things they do.
OK, this is JMHO. Thanks for giving me something to think about!
As always, Mi Vida Loca
Robin
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of melissa_hice
Sent: Sunday, May 11, 2008 10:58 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] asking for forgiveness
I know someone who says to their children when they have done
something 'wrong'
"Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
setting a bad example?"
I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
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right, either way. I have been known, on many occassions, to apologize to
my kids and my grandkids for something I've done. I believe that children
should know that we aren't perfect and that it's ok to respectfully
disagree. I think it sets a better example for them when they see us
recognize our own mistakes and apologize. I'm not sure we are giving the
same example when we point out their 'wrongs' and ask if they have seen us
do that. You know, as I sit here trying to focus my words and type them, I
think it is manipulative. It may not be an intentional manipulation, but
it is manipulation. If my child does something that I percieve as 'wrong',
the only effect I can see from that is guilt. By me saying, "Oh, I'm sorry
I've set a bad example. It's my fault you did this", I am trying to cause
them to feel guilt that they have made me feel responsible. That's
manipulation. It's also absolving them of responsibility and that isn't
what I want to teach my children/grandchildren. I want them to learn to
accept responsibility for the things they do.
OK, this is JMHO. Thanks for giving me something to think about!
As always, Mi Vida Loca
Robin
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of melissa_hice
Sent: Sunday, May 11, 2008 10:58 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] asking for forgiveness
I know someone who says to their children when they have done
something 'wrong'
"Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
setting a bad example?"
I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.15/1426 - Release Date: 5/10/2008
11:12 AM
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.15/1426 - Release Date: 5/10/2008
11:12 AM
Ren Allen
--- In [email protected], "melissa_hice" <mhice@...> wrote:
with ________" you're trying to lay on a big old guilt trip. It might
be totally honest in the right moment, if you truly DO something that
isn't helping your child, but that seems like a "tool" the parent is
using to manipulate a certain outcome.
Secondly, it's labeling the child's behavior as "bad" or "wrong" and
usually when we seek understanding and connection, we truly see the
child is doing the very best they can at the moment.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
>It IS manipulative. Because instead of just saying "I have an issue
> I know someone who says to their children when they have done
> something 'wrong'
>
> "Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
> child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
> setting a bad example?"
>
> I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
> think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
>
with ________" you're trying to lay on a big old guilt trip. It might
be totally honest in the right moment, if you truly DO something that
isn't helping your child, but that seems like a "tool" the parent is
using to manipulate a certain outcome.
Secondly, it's labeling the child's behavior as "bad" or "wrong" and
usually when we seek understanding and connection, we truly see the
child is doing the very best they can at the moment.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Ren Allen
--- In [email protected], "melissa_hice" <mhice@...> wrote:
talk to another adult this way. 'Nuf said.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
>Oh, and the other thing that smacks of insincerity, is NO adult would
> I know someone who says to their children when they have done
> something 'wrong'
>
> "Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
> child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
> setting a bad example?"
>
> I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
> think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
>
talk to another adult this way. 'Nuf said.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Barbara Perez
I think *my* problem with it is the part that goes "for setting a bad
example". If you're going to ask for forgiveness, ask because it was the
wrong thing to do, period. I've done that before, sincerely, when I suddenly
saw things from the other person's (child or adult's) POV due to being in
new/different circumstances. The kind of "example" that set had nothing to
do with it, it was the way I was being treated/had treated the other person
that had everything to do with it. Make sense?
example". If you're going to ask for forgiveness, ask because it was the
wrong thing to do, period. I've done that before, sincerely, when I suddenly
saw things from the other person's (child or adult's) POV due to being in
new/different circumstances. The kind of "example" that set had nothing to
do with it, it was the way I was being treated/had treated the other person
that had everything to do with it. Make sense?
On Sun, May 11, 2008 at 7:58 PM, melissa_hice <mhice@...> wrote:
> I know someone who says to their children when they have done
> something 'wrong'
>
> "Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
> child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
> setting a bad example?"
>
> I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
> think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-"Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that
the
child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
setting a bad example?"
I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?-=-
I think it makes the moment about the parents, and also suggests
indirectly (sometimes indirectness can be very irritating) that the
child will copy the parents, instead of thinking independently.
If the child says "No, you didn't" (which is probably the "right"
answer or the parent wouldn't have asked) then it's a kind of "so
it's not your fault" from the child, verbally, to the parent.
It seems to be a situation designed to certify the parent as
blameless and the child solely at fault.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
the
child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
setting a bad example?"
I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?-=-
I think it makes the moment about the parents, and also suggests
indirectly (sometimes indirectness can be very irritating) that the
child will copy the parents, instead of thinking independently.
If the child says "No, you didn't" (which is probably the "right"
answer or the parent wouldn't have asked) then it's a kind of "so
it's not your fault" from the child, verbally, to the parent.
It seems to be a situation designed to certify the parent as
blameless and the child solely at fault.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Margaret
It doesn't sit well with me either, but I think apologising for a
specific known mistake is fine. Good, even
We were dog sitting for my parents' dog recently. He kept digging
under our fence and I referred to him as a stupid dog a few times in
frustration. My daughter started calling him stupid after that and I
realized how terrible it sounded and that it wasn't really what I
meant at all... so I told her that I didn't really realize it until
she said the same thing I did but that it was a mistake and what I
really meant was that I was frustrated with what he was doing and I
should have just said that. I stopped. After a while she did too.
It's not that I think that she isn't responsible for her own behavior,
but she is very observant and learns a lot from watching me so if I
act as though something is OK then she will generally think that it
is. And if I let her think that about something that isn't OK then I
have wronged her and I do indeed owe her an apology.
Perhaps it is a well intentioned reaction to hypocritical parents who
would tell you not to do things and walk around seemingly oblivious to
the fact that they did the exact same thing. I think there are better
ways to do this, but if they really do seem sincere to the child then
it could be a lot worse. In writing, though, it sounds insincere an
condescending.
specific known mistake is fine. Good, even
We were dog sitting for my parents' dog recently. He kept digging
under our fence and I referred to him as a stupid dog a few times in
frustration. My daughter started calling him stupid after that and I
realized how terrible it sounded and that it wasn't really what I
meant at all... so I told her that I didn't really realize it until
she said the same thing I did but that it was a mistake and what I
really meant was that I was frustrated with what he was doing and I
should have just said that. I stopped. After a while she did too.
It's not that I think that she isn't responsible for her own behavior,
but she is very observant and learns a lot from watching me so if I
act as though something is OK then she will generally think that it
is. And if I let her think that about something that isn't OK then I
have wronged her and I do indeed owe her an apology.
Perhaps it is a well intentioned reaction to hypocritical parents who
would tell you not to do things and walk around seemingly oblivious to
the fact that they did the exact same thing. I think there are better
ways to do this, but if they really do seem sincere to the child then
it could be a lot worse. In writing, though, it sounds insincere an
condescending.
On Sun, May 11, 2008 at 7:58 PM, melissa_hice <mhice@...> wrote:
>
> I know someone who says to their children when they have done
> something 'wrong'
>
> "Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
> child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
> setting a bad example?"
>
> I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
> think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
>
>
Julie Hampton
my mom sort of twists this into saying "I know we were trying to make the perfect family and I can see where you guys will all screw up your kids too" but she does not really think SHE did anything wrong it was just the culture of how you raised kids-
a little more sincere could be when someone says "I wonder if my mom felt like this or my grandma" for instance my grandma said something about that how she was feeling must be how her mom felt when the next generation started going to the grandma's house instead of the great grandma's house- instead of a blame thing
Julie
comment me at
the-life-of-fun.blogspot.com
a little more sincere could be when someone says "I wonder if my mom felt like this or my grandma" for instance my grandma said something about that how she was feeling must be how her mom felt when the next generation started going to the grandma's house instead of the great grandma's house- instead of a blame thing
Julie
comment me at
the-life-of-fun.blogspot.com
----- Original Message -----
From: Ren Allen<mailto:starsuncloud@...>
To: [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, May 11, 2008 9:32 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: asking for forgiveness
--- In [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]>, "melissa_hice" <mhice@...> wrote:
>
> I know someone who says to their children when they have done
> something 'wrong'
>
> "Son (or daughter), have I ever ______ (insert here the wrong that the
> child has done), because if I did, I need to ask your forgiveness for
> setting a bad example?"
>
> I think it is a bit manipulative, but I can't put into words why I
> think it is. It just feels like it is. What is your opinion?
>
Oh, and the other thing that smacks of insincerity, is NO adult would
talk to another adult this way. 'Nuf said.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]