melissa_hice

Hi everyone. I mainly lurk on this site, but have an upcoming
situation that I need advice on. I am fairly new to unschooling
(since this past fall) and have been reading everything I can about
unschooling (books, websites, discussion groups, etc.). So your
advice would be very helpful here.

My ds(5) and dd(8) have never been in any kind of school. We have
always done things together as a family. My children enjoy being at
home where everything is familiar. When we went on vacation last
fall (when I had first "discovered" the concept of unschooling) ds
and dd had fun until the first night (we were camping and they were
having so much fun). They missed their bed and all their familiar
things and smells of home. By the second night, dd and ds were
crying, wanting to go home. Also dd ended up being sick with a sore
throat and a fever, so we went home the next day.

At Thanksgiving, we went to my parents' house which is only about 50
minutes away. We spent the night on Wed. night so that we would have
more time to spend with family (I have 11 brothers and sisters, most
of them married with kids!). Both kids were sad at night and wanted
to be home.

Then, this past December, the kids and I went to visit my sil and her
two children. They live only an hour away. We spent the night so
that we could get up in the morning and do some fun Christmas stuff.
That night, both kids cried and said they wanted to be home in their
own beds and they missed their daddy.

Now here is the problem. My niece who lives about 7 hours away is
getting married. Dd has been asked to be a flower girl and she is so
excited. I've been talking a bit about it and ds is getting
anxious. Dd is excited right now, but I know once we get there and
night time comes around, she will get homesick. We had planned for
my dh to take vacation time that week and then we could plan to do
some other fun stuff as well (we will be heading to southern part of
Mississippi). The wedding is not until June.

I guess I am asking for help in how to deal with this situation. I
want to know how I can help them feel safe and also experience places
other than home. I know they will have fun doing all the "stuff" but
it is night time that gets hard. How do others deal with
homesickness?

Thanks,
Melissa

Pamela Sorooshian

On Feb 23, 2008, at 7:17 AM, melissa_hice wrote:

> I guess I am asking for help in how to deal with this situation. I
> want to know how I can help them feel safe and also experience places
> other than home. I know they will have fun doing all the "stuff" but
> it is night time that gets hard. How do others deal with
> homesickness?

Get them to come up with a list of things to do at night when they're
feeling the beginnings of homesickness.

Watch a super familiar video, have you and dad read a beloved book
aloud while they fall asleep, etc.

Is it that it is too hard to fall asleep in a strange place - feels
strange, smells strange, sounds strange, etc?

How have you responded? Have you tried to talk them out of their
feelings or acknowledged the strangeness or ?

Keep them busier until they are super ready for sleep. Maybe you're
spending time with those other people you're there to visit and not
with them, so part of what they are missing is time spent with you?
Maybe a little feeling of abandonment to their own devices while
you're with your family?

-pam

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Katy

<<<<Maybe you're spending time with those other people you're there to visit and not with them, so part of what they are missing is time spent with you? Maybe a little feeling of abandonment to their own devices while you're with your family?>>>>

I had something kind of like this happen just this week. The background is that my step-father passed away and we had a lot of family in the area. We were spending a couple of nights up at his old mountain house in Ruidoso (about 45 minutes away), and while getting ready to go I asked Richard to do a few things, it seemed like everything I asked him to do got lost in translation. He kept forgetting what I said, or doing the opposite, and once while I was letting the dog out he accidentally locked me out of my mom's house. I was getting really frustrated. We were in a hurry, so in my frustration I really didn't want to stop loading the car and talk to him calmly, but I did and I am so glad. I apologized for blowing up, and we talked about how things like grief and anger and stress and hunger and tiredness and everything else affect each of us differently, and I told him that with me, though I have gotten much better in the last few years, any one of those things can cause me to be short tempered, but all of them together make it really bad!

Part of my frustration I think came from what I am used to from my son. He usually seems much older than his 12 years, he is dependable and responsible, more so than many adults that I know. So when he was having a hard time, and I was super stressed, I forgot how to deal with it. He had lost his grandpa, he was very tired, I had fed him but since people were bringing food to us it wasn't what he was used to, I was rushing him, and over the last few days I hadn't spent nearly as much time with him as he is used to. It is a wonder he did as well as he did! In fact he was still doing pretty great, I was the one with the issues!

So while we were in Ruidoso, there were so many people around, and everyone wanted to talk and I really didn't want him to get pushed to the side again. I made sure to go and find him fairly often and hug him, bring him food or drinks, make sure he had enough to do (we brought favorite video games and movies, as well as toys), talk to him for a while privately or bring him around with me to talk to people, whatever he needed. It really made a difference, for both of us. I told myself that I was trying to take care of him, but really going and spending some time with him between people really lowered my stress level, which meant I was better with him.

I found that most people really understand if you excuse yourself to check on kids or spend some time with them, and if they don't, so what?!

Another thing that helped were those little familiar things from home. I take his pillow and favorite blanket on trips right off of the bed without washing them, so they smell like home. His favorite stuffed animals are important, I always make sure to take one or two. We have a portable DVD player, and we always bring his favorite movies, and often I will hit the $5 bin at Walmart and grab one or two new movies to surprise him with on trips. He is really into the movie "300," so I got him the History Channel's show on DVD about the real battle that the movie is based on, and recently I found another older movie about the same battle and I had been hanging onto it, so we took it up there.

Time with me and the little familiar things from home seem to be the best things for my son when away from home or during stressful times.

Katy J

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Vicki Dennis

Are they sleeping in the same room with you or in an unfamiliar room alone
or perhaps with child cousins?
Even if you don't practice a family bed (or family sleep room) at home, you
might consider trying it when traveling. The idea being that parent(s)
is/are the most important part of home so as long as you are there, they are
"home".

I think that different children develop differently regarding when they will
enjoy experiencing other places *without* parents or even siblings but it
sounds like you are not needing to look at that yet.

While I partially agree with Pam about keeping them super-busy, I also think
that you must consider that for some people (children or adults!) becoming
over-tired interferes with sleep and creates its own stress.
There are certainly lots of ideas to consider and try.

vicki


On Sat, Feb 23, 2008 at 11:55 AM, Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...>
wrote:

>
> On Feb 23, 2008, at 7:17 AM, melissa_hice wrote:
>
> > I guess I am asking for help in how to deal with this situation. I
> > want to know how I can help them feel safe and also experience places
> > other than home. I know they will have fun doing all the "stuff" but
> > it is night time that gets hard. How do others deal with
> > homesickness?
>
> Is it that it is too hard to fall asleep in a strange place - feels
> strange, smells strange, sounds strange, etc?
>
> How have you responded? Have you tried to talk them out of their
> feelings or acknowledged the strangeness or ?
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-Another thing that helped were those little familiar things from
home. I take his pillow and favorite blanket on trips right off of
the bed without washing them, so they smell like home. His favorite
stuffed animals are important, I always make sure to take one or two.-=-

I like those ideas. I often take my own pillow on trips. If I wake
up just a little, I'm more likely to believe I'm just sleeping (at
home, in my bed) than if I wake up with an unfamiliar pillow (the
texture, the smell) and I'm startled.

Familiar water is good, too. When we camp we take plastic milk
cartons nearly filled with water, frozen, and when it thaws out a few
days later it tastes like home, instead of the water wherever we are
which can range from just unfamiliar to sick-making.

Sleeping with my children and letting them go to sleep holding my
hand seemed to help, too, when we were in unfamiliar places, even
when they were older and not sleeping with me at home.

Sandra




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melissa_hice

--- In [email protected], "Vicki Dennis" <vicki@...>
wrote:
>
> Are they sleeping in the same room with you or in an unfamiliar
room alone
> or perhaps with child cousins?
> Even if you don't practice a family bed (or family sleep room) at
home, you
> might consider trying it when traveling. The idea being that parent
(s)
> is/are the most important part of home so as long as you are there,
they are
> "home".

I sleep with them when we've been other places. For example, when we
went camping, we all were in the tent together. When we went to see
their cousin, I slept on the floor in their cousins room right
between my two dc. Both children shared our bed until about a year
ago, when they started sleeping in dd's twin bed together, but they
still both end up in our bed by the end of the night which is fine
with both my and dh.
>
> I think that different children develop differently regarding when
they will
> enjoy experiencing other places *without* parents or even siblings
but it
> sounds like you are not needing to look at that yet.
>
Not yet!

> While I partially agree with Pam about keeping them super-busy, I
also think
> that you must consider that for some people (children or adults!)
becoming
> over-tired interferes with sleep and creates its own stress.
> There are certainly lots of ideas to consider and try.
>
> vicki
>
And being super tired does interfer with esp. ds's sleep. He is a
very intense child.


>
> On Sat, Feb 23, 2008 at 11:55 AM, Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...>
> wrote:
>
> >
> > On Feb 23, 2008, at 7:17 AM, melissa_hice wrote:
> >
> > > I guess I am asking for help in how to deal with this
situation. I
> > > want to know how I can help them feel safe and also experience
places
> > > other than home. I know they will have fun doing all
the "stuff" but
> > > it is night time that gets hard. How do others deal with
> > > homesickness?
> >
> > Is it that it is too hard to fall asleep in a strange place -
feels
> > strange, smells strange, sounds strange, etc?
> >
> > How have you responded? Have you tried to talk them out of their
> > feelings or acknowledged the strangeness or ?
> >
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

melissa_hice

--- In [email protected], Pamela Sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Feb 23, 2008, at 7:17 AM, melissa_hice wrote:
>
>>
> Get them to come up with a list of things to do at night when
they're
> feeling the beginnings of homesickness.
>
> Watch a super familiar video, have you and dad read a beloved book
> aloud while they fall asleep, etc.
>
> Is it that it is too hard to fall asleep in a strange place -
feels
> strange, smells strange, sounds strange, etc?

***********
I believe that being in a strange place is probably the biggest
thing, here. Both dc are very intuned to smells, sounds, etc. Also,
something that just occurred to me, we have a routine that we follow
each night and when we are somewhere other than home, the routine is
off. It is not that I started off with formulating some sort of
routine, it just kind of evolved.

Each night, we all go get on our comfy p.js. I put in a "night-
night" video for dc (something calming at their request and only
about 30 min. long) and prepare them a "night-night" snack to eat
during the video -- something simple like apples and peanut butter or
banana slices and carrot sticks - you get the picture. While they
are watching the video, I get their room ready - turn back the
blankets a bit, warm up the rice bags in the microwave (they've had
those since they were babies for upset tummies! now they like them on
their toes!) and place them under their blankets, get all
their "friends" together (special stuffed animals, blankies), turn on
the crickets (noise machine), dim the light. After the video, we all
(me included) brush teeth, they climb in under the warmed up blankets
and I read to them. Then it's lots of kisses and hugs. I then turn
on their classical music cd, turn off the light and turn on the night
light, sit between them and rub and pat their backs until they fall
asleep.

It is all so calming and at the end of a busy day, they both really
look forward to bedtime. After writing all this, I realize that I
can not replicate this scenerio when we are away from home.

For instance, when we visited their cousin, I tried to have things as
much like what they have at home, but out of respect for the cousin,
we followed HIS routine, which looks very different from ours. The
music is different, the night light is a lot brighter, there is no
story time (although I did read anyway but my nephew really didn't
want it because that is not part of his routine), dc were sleeping on
the floor (even though I brought their blankets and "friends" and
pillows, the floor just feels so different than their own bed). I
still sat between them and patted their backs, but they still missed
home.

When we went camping, the entire night time routine was gone. We
listed to real crickets (imagine that!), the stars were our night
lights, and we read stories by the fire. But after we got in the
tent, they began crying wanting to be home.


>
> How have you responded? Have you tried to talk them out of their
> feelings or acknowledged the strangeness or ?

These instances were before I learned about unschooling. I am sure I
probably did try to talk them out of their feelings. That is one
thing I will do differently. Even at the time, it seemed wrong to
try to help them "get over" it instead of helping them acknowledge
the feelings and to allow them to "feel". But at the time, that is
all I knew.
>
> Keep them busier until they are super ready for sleep. Maybe
you're
> spending time with those other people you're there to visit and
not
> with them, so part of what they are missing is time spent with
you?
> Maybe a little feeling of abandonment to their own devices while
> you're with your family?

I am sure that is probably part of it as well. They seem to be
having so much fun with cousins, but they are used to being with me
most of the time. Maybe when all is still and it is time to sleep,
they really do feel a little abandoned, even though they were having
a good time with cousins. I didn't think about it that way.

Melissa
>
> -pam
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-Also,
something that just occurred to me, we have a routine that we follow
each night and when we are somewhere other than home, the routine is
off. It is not that I started off with formulating some sort of
routine, it just kind of evolved. -=-

We have friends who always insisted on naps on time, in their kids'
own beds, and bedtime on time, with routine. The result is that
they're stuck at home.

Our kids used to be nursed to sleep, rocked to sleep, carried to
sleep in a pack or backpack or arms, or would fall asleep lying on
the couch with a head in a parent's lap. It made going other places
VERY easy, and they still always fell asleep peacefully and happily,
wherever we were.

It's too late for some families, but seeing the potential for future
problems might help some of the undecided parents of younger children
or babies decide a thing or two.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

melissa_hice

I can see that now, in retrospect. Is there any way to help them be
more flexible without causing distress, since they both like the
bedtime routine? I am thinking one problem is ds(5) who is so
intense, struggles so much with transitions of any kind, counts on
that routine. Do they outgrow this type of stuff?

I am also thinking that, being new to unschooling, I've made so many
mistakes in the past in my ignorance, mistakes that probably can't be
changed.

Melissa
>
> We have friends who always insisted on naps on time, in their
kids'
> own beds, and bedtime on time, with routine. The result is that
> they're stuck at home.
>
> Our kids used to be nursed to sleep, rocked to sleep, carried to
> sleep in a pack or backpack or arms, or would fall asleep lying on
> the couch with a head in a parent's lap. It made going other
places
> VERY easy, and they still always fell asleep peacefully and
happily,
> wherever we were.
>
> It's too late for some families, but seeing the potential for
future
> problems might help some of the undecided parents of younger
children
> or babies decide a thing or two.
>
>
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Pamela Sorooshian

True, being overtired because of overstimulation does interfere with
my sleep (and my kids'). Still, they might need more physical activity
- because a lot of times when you're visiting with people there is a
lot of hanging around and not enough running around.

If they're getting overtired, then help them get more down time
throughout the day - even little 10 minute increments can help a lot -
go for a little walk together, for example. Or even go hang out in the
bathroom alone for 5 or 10 minutes <g>.

Music or familiar stories can help a lot - do they have mp3 player
with earplugs so they can listen to music or books while they go to
sleep?

-pam

On Feb 23, 2008, at 12:49 PM, melissa_hice wrote:

> > While I partially agree with Pam about keeping them super-busy, I
> also think
> > that you must consider that for some people (children or adults!)
> becoming
> > over-tired interferes with sleep and creates its own stress.
> > There are certainly lots of ideas to consider and try.
> >
> > vicki
> >
> And being super tired does interfer with esp. ds's sleep. He is a
> very intense child.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

Melissa , I read something I really liked at a friend and also unschooling mom' blog that you will relate to:

"Anyhow, over at Derfwad Manor for Slow Cook Thursday the poem is an Emerson poem. It is an evocation of Carpe Diem, a sentiment I've always loved but never managed to live.

Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.

Posted by Schuyler "


and here is the link to her blog :
http://waynforth.blogspot.com/
Alex





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