fights with relatives
inmdcrew
So, how do you handle family get togethers where words such as
"well-educated", "bathroom breaks-those 3 kids who peed their pants
should've held it", "learning to sit still". I blew my cool and ended
up hurting my sister in law's feelings. I've apologized in person and
by letter, but am still stewing inside.
My 14 year old son says I forgot to not judge. It is hard though when
you are passionate about your lifestyle.
Tina H.
"well-educated", "bathroom breaks-those 3 kids who peed their pants
should've held it", "learning to sit still". I blew my cool and ended
up hurting my sister in law's feelings. I've apologized in person and
by letter, but am still stewing inside.
My 14 year old son says I forgot to not judge. It is hard though when
you are passionate about your lifestyle.
Tina H.
Sandra Dodd
-=-My 14 year old son says I forgot to not judge.-=-
From what little you told us, it sounded as though you got fed up
with adults being judgmental and critical of the kids.
-=-I blew my cool and ended
up hurting my sister in law's feelings. I've apologized in person and
by letter, but am still stewing inside.-=-
Well if you're still angry, and you were brave (or angry) enough to
say something in defense of children, don't worry so much about your
sister in law right now, and let her think about what you said. I
hope your apologies weren't in the form of taking back your opinion,
but were just for the presentation. If you defended children's
rights and needs and goodness and she objects to those ideas, that's
nothing to apologize about (at least in the scenario I've imagined,
which isn't likely to be exactly what happened at all <bwg>).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From what little you told us, it sounded as though you got fed up
with adults being judgmental and critical of the kids.
-=-I blew my cool and ended
up hurting my sister in law's feelings. I've apologized in person and
by letter, but am still stewing inside.-=-
Well if you're still angry, and you were brave (or angry) enough to
say something in defense of children, don't worry so much about your
sister in law right now, and let her think about what you said. I
hope your apologies weren't in the form of taking back your opinion,
but were just for the presentation. If you defended children's
rights and needs and goodness and she objects to those ideas, that's
nothing to apologize about (at least in the scenario I've imagined,
which isn't likely to be exactly what happened at all <bwg>).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
inmdcrew
thank you sandra.
I was only apologizing for my voice tone, not what I said. I truly
believe she wasn't hurt by my words, only uncomfortable by my
confronting those hard held "teaching" attitudes and "parental" ideas
she has held for so long.
She wasn't attacking my kids--complaining about her job and "her" kids
in her classroom.
An example was: she expects her kids to hold their urine until the
next bathroom break. I asked her why it was ok and not demeaning to
those kids to have peed their pants in class.
Such as the above. I've been hs for 14 years. My kids are considered
well educated, kind, etc. And they are. But only because of
unschooling and good family dynamics. If my sil only knew the real
reason :) She wouldn't understand unschooling, barely gets "hs".
Tina H.
I was only apologizing for my voice tone, not what I said. I truly
believe she wasn't hurt by my words, only uncomfortable by my
confronting those hard held "teaching" attitudes and "parental" ideas
she has held for so long.
She wasn't attacking my kids--complaining about her job and "her" kids
in her classroom.
An example was: she expects her kids to hold their urine until the
next bathroom break. I asked her why it was ok and not demeaning to
those kids to have peed their pants in class.
Such as the above. I've been hs for 14 years. My kids are considered
well educated, kind, etc. And they are. But only because of
unschooling and good family dynamics. If my sil only knew the real
reason :) She wouldn't understand unschooling, barely gets "hs".
Tina H.
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-My 14 year old son says I forgot to not judge.-=-
>
> From what little you told us, it sounded as though you got fed up
> with adults being judgmental and critical of the kids.
>
> -=-I blew my cool and ended
> up hurting my sister in law's feelings. I've apologized in person and
> by letter, but am still stewing inside.-=-
>
> Well if you're still angry, and you were brave (or angry) enough to
> say something in defense of children, don't worry so much about your
> sister in law right now, and let her think about what you said. I
> hope your apologies weren't in the form of taking back your opinion,
> but were just for the presentation. If you defended children's
> rights and needs and goodness and she objects to those ideas, that's
> nothing to apologize about (at least in the scenario I've imagined,
> which isn't likely to be exactly what happened at all <bwg>).
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
l0v2run
Hi Tina,
Good for you for standing up to family members! So hard to do, for me
anyway. And although I admire your 14 y.o.'s level head ("not judge"),
there is always a judgement if we believe that some things hurt
children and that hurting children is immoral. It is where relativism
fails us (i.e. all choices are valid).
The closest I have come to handling these situations well is by
sticking with simple but strong statements about my family's values.
Some family members are only looking for a quick dig, a chance to
express their disaproval. If they were genuinely curious you'd know
it, and that would be different.
Here is a recent interaction I had with the most negative critic in my
family. My visiting sister commented on the local school as we drove
past and said in a scoffing tone:
-"So that's where she'd go if you were going to let her have a normal
life."
-Me: "No, that's where she'd go if we were interested in sending her
to Obedience Camp."
-Sister: "Well, maybe she could *use* a little more obedience." (Red
herring and unwarranted insult all rolled into one.)
-Me: "Obedience is NOT a virtue."
That was the end of it, and we rode along in uncomfortable silence.
To be sure, invoking Morality costs us some closeness, but for me the
kind of family members who provoke it are not as close as I want to
believe. Especially with people who have been in your life for so
long -- you know who is open to discussion and who is just trying to
hurt.
Sorry for the long post, but in summary, I don't like to dignify the
hit-and-run insults with heated debate. Stick with short replies that
are morality-based, like "children deserve the same respect as you
do," and "conformity is not education," and "I will never choose the
mainstream if I feel it harms my child."
Thanks for reading my long post. Since I struggle with this too, your
story invoked strong emotions for me. Good luck.
Cynthia
Good for you for standing up to family members! So hard to do, for me
anyway. And although I admire your 14 y.o.'s level head ("not judge"),
there is always a judgement if we believe that some things hurt
children and that hurting children is immoral. It is where relativism
fails us (i.e. all choices are valid).
The closest I have come to handling these situations well is by
sticking with simple but strong statements about my family's values.
Some family members are only looking for a quick dig, a chance to
express their disaproval. If they were genuinely curious you'd know
it, and that would be different.
Here is a recent interaction I had with the most negative critic in my
family. My visiting sister commented on the local school as we drove
past and said in a scoffing tone:
-"So that's where she'd go if you were going to let her have a normal
life."
-Me: "No, that's where she'd go if we were interested in sending her
to Obedience Camp."
-Sister: "Well, maybe she could *use* a little more obedience." (Red
herring and unwarranted insult all rolled into one.)
-Me: "Obedience is NOT a virtue."
That was the end of it, and we rode along in uncomfortable silence.
To be sure, invoking Morality costs us some closeness, but for me the
kind of family members who provoke it are not as close as I want to
believe. Especially with people who have been in your life for so
long -- you know who is open to discussion and who is just trying to
hurt.
Sorry for the long post, but in summary, I don't like to dignify the
hit-and-run insults with heated debate. Stick with short replies that
are morality-based, like "children deserve the same respect as you
do," and "conformity is not education," and "I will never choose the
mainstream if I feel it harms my child."
Thanks for reading my long post. Since I struggle with this too, your
story invoked strong emotions for me. Good luck.
Cynthia
--- In [email protected], "inmdcrew" <Hatfield72@...> wrote:
>
> So, how do you handle family get togethers where words such as
> "well-educated", "bathroom breaks-those 3 kids who peed their pants
> should've held it", "learning to sit still". I blew my cool and ended
> up hurting my sister in law's feelings. I've apologized in person and
> by letter, but am still stewing inside.
> My 14 year old son says I forgot to not judge. It is hard though when
> you are passionate about your lifestyle.
> Tina H.
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-To be sure, invoking Morality costs us some closeness, but for me the
kind of family members who provoke it are not as close as I want to
believe.-=-
This is important to repeat, I think.
I let some friendships go because the other adults hadn't done much
or any thinking about children, or teens, and seemed unable to
converse without saying things that made me think they were idiots
(or saying things that I didn't want my kids to hear, or that just
offended me).
I don't need to re-train my friends, nor do I need to put up with
anti-child noise.
There are lots of people in the world. They can find other anti-
child friends (unfortunately), or friends who aren't really listening
to them when they make their snarky comments anyway, and I can find
more thoughtful and respectful friends.
-=-Stick with short replies that
are morality-based, like "children deserve the same respect as you
do," and "conformity is not education," and "I will never choose the
mainstream if I feel it harms my child." -=-
Having a few good, short answers on hand is always a good idea.
Sometimes it helps even more if they're in the form of a question,
like...
"You would choose mainstream behavior even if it harmed your child?"
or
"Do you think it's okay to treat children disrespectfully?"
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kind of family members who provoke it are not as close as I want to
believe.-=-
This is important to repeat, I think.
I let some friendships go because the other adults hadn't done much
or any thinking about children, or teens, and seemed unable to
converse without saying things that made me think they were idiots
(or saying things that I didn't want my kids to hear, or that just
offended me).
I don't need to re-train my friends, nor do I need to put up with
anti-child noise.
There are lots of people in the world. They can find other anti-
child friends (unfortunately), or friends who aren't really listening
to them when they make their snarky comments anyway, and I can find
more thoughtful and respectful friends.
-=-Stick with short replies that
are morality-based, like "children deserve the same respect as you
do," and "conformity is not education," and "I will never choose the
mainstream if I feel it harms my child." -=-
Having a few good, short answers on hand is always a good idea.
Sometimes it helps even more if they're in the form of a question,
like...
"You would choose mainstream behavior even if it harmed your child?"
or
"Do you think it's okay to treat children disrespectfully?"
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
inmdcrew
These are very good comments, statements, and questions. With someone
like my sil they are encouragement for more debate and arguing.
That's all well and good, but if the other person has to be right it's
a never ending battle--such as this past Memorial Day. You would
think I would learn---:( Sticking with the weather, grocery sales,
etc. is my best bet I'm afraid.
like my sil they are encouragement for more debate and arguing.
That's all well and good, but if the other person has to be right it's
a never ending battle--such as this past Memorial Day. You would
think I would learn---:( Sticking with the weather, grocery sales,
etc. is my best bet I'm afraid.
>
>
>
> -=-Stick with short replies that
> are morality-based, like "children deserve the same respect as you
> do," and "conformity is not education," and "I will never choose the
> mainstream if I feel it harms my child." -=-
>
> Having a few good, short answers on hand is always a good idea.
> Sometimes it helps even more if they're in the form of a question,
> like...
>
> "You would choose mainstream behavior even if it harmed your child?"
> or
> "Do you think it's okay to treat children disrespectfully?"
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
inmdcrew
I appreciate what you have written. It has really struck a chord.
Your words are thoughtful and thought provoking.
Thanks
Tina H.
Your words are thoughtful and thought provoking.
Thanks
Tina H.
--- In [email protected], "l0v2run" <crkuni@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Tina,
> Good for you for standing up to family members! So hard to do, for me
> anyway. And although I admire your 14 y.o.'s level head ("not judge"),
> there is always a judgement if we believe that some things hurt
> children and that hurting children is immoral. It is where relativism
> fails us (i.e. all choices are valid).
>
> The closest I have come to handling these situations well is by
> sticking with simple but strong statements about my family's values.
> Some family members are only looking for a quick dig, a chance to
> express their disaproval. If they were genuinely curious you'd know
> it, and that would be different.
>
> Here is a recent interaction I had with the most negative critic in my
> family. My visiting sister commented on the local school as we drove
> past and said in a scoffing tone:
>
> -"So that's where she'd go if you were going to let her have a normal
> life."
> -Me: "No, that's where she'd go if we were interested in sending her
> to Obedience Camp."
> -Sister: "Well, maybe she could *use* a little more obedience." (Red
> herring and unwarranted insult all rolled into one.)
> -Me: "Obedience is NOT a virtue."
>
> That was the end of it, and we rode along in uncomfortable silence.
>
> To be sure, invoking Morality costs us some closeness, but for me the
> kind of family members who provoke it are not as close as I want to
> believe. Especially with people who have been in your life for so
> long -- you know who is open to discussion and who is just trying to
> hurt.
>
> Sorry for the long post, but in summary, I don't like to dignify the
> hit-and-run insults with heated debate. Stick with short replies that
> are morality-based, like "children deserve the same respect as you
> do," and "conformity is not education," and "I will never choose the
> mainstream if I feel it harms my child."
>
> Thanks for reading my long post. Since I struggle with this too, your
> story invoked strong emotions for me. Good luck.
>
> Cynthia
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected], "inmdcrew" <Hatfield72@> wrote:
> >
> > So, how do you handle family get togethers where words such as
> > "well-educated", "bathroom breaks-those 3 kids who peed their pants
> > should've held it", "learning to sit still". I blew my cool and ended
> > up hurting my sister in law's feelings. I've apologized in person and
> > by letter, but am still stewing inside.
> > My 14 year old son says I forgot to not judge. It is hard though when
> > you are passionate about your lifestyle.
> > Tina H.
> >
>
Gold Standard
I'm haven't gotten a number of the posts on my email that I see responses to
(as in I never received the original post). Is anyone else having this
trouble right now?
Just curious if yahoo has it out for me in particular :oO
Jacki
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of inmdcrew
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2007 4:00 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: fights with relatives
These are very good comments, statements, and questions. With someone
like my sil they are encouragement for more debate and arguing.
That's all well and good, but if the other person has to be right it's
a never ending battle--such as this past Memorial Day. You would
think I would learn---:( Sticking with the weather, grocery sales,
etc. is my best bet I'm afraid.
(as in I never received the original post). Is anyone else having this
trouble right now?
Just curious if yahoo has it out for me in particular :oO
Jacki
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of inmdcrew
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2007 4:00 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: fights with relatives
These are very good comments, statements, and questions. With someone
like my sil they are encouragement for more debate and arguing.
That's all well and good, but if the other person has to be right it's
a never ending battle--such as this past Memorial Day. You would
think I would learn---:( Sticking with the weather, grocery sales,
etc. is my best bet I'm afraid.
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
> -=-Stick with short replies that
> are morality-based, like "children deserve the same respect as you
> do," and "conformity is not education," and "I will never choose the
> mainstream if I feel it harms my child." -=-
>
> Having a few good, short answers on hand is always a good idea.
> Sometimes it helps even more if they're in the form of a question,
> like...
>
> "You would choose mainstream behavior even if it harmed your child?"
> or
> "Do you think it's okay to treat children disrespectfully?"
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
C Johnson
Jacki,
I have been checking my bulk e-mail because a lot of messages that should not be there have been there lately :)
BB,
Chrissie
Gold Standard <jacki@...> wrote:
I'm haven't gotten a number of the posts on my email that I see responses to
(as in I never received the original post). Is anyone else having this
trouble right now?
Just curious if yahoo has it out for me in particular :oO
Jacki
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I have been checking my bulk e-mail because a lot of messages that should not be there have been there lately :)
BB,
Chrissie
Gold Standard <jacki@...> wrote:
I'm haven't gotten a number of the posts on my email that I see responses to
(as in I never received the original post). Is anyone else having this
trouble right now?
Just curious if yahoo has it out for me in particular :oO
Jacki
-
Recent Activity
14
New Members
Visit Your Group
SPONSORED LINKS
Parenting family
Family parenting
Attachment parenting
John holt
Yahoo! TV
Read Ivanka's Blog
Stay updated on
The Apprentice.
Need traffic?
Drive customers
With search ads
on Yahoo!
Y! GeoCities
Create a Web Site
Easy-to-use tools.
Get started now.
.
"All you have to decide is what to do with the time you have been given." Gandalf
---------------------------------
Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emmy
i have found when you live passionately (no matter the subject) you will always encounter those "relatives". the key is simply holding your "stew" and answering simply and confidently. of course that is very very hard to do but it IS possible. usually there isn't much productivity in arguing. when you argue, you bring yourself to a level of those of a closed mind. you can't open anyones mind until they are willing and if they are willing then you are able to communicate respectively even upon disagreeing. you've handled yourself well by apologizing, its done on your end. move on.
emmy
www.cafepress.com/emmytofa
www.emmytofa.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emmy
www.cafepress.com/emmytofa
www.emmytofa.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]