halfshadow1

I don't know what to do with Lukas asking me to play with him all the
time. Thursday we went puddle hopping in the rain and the playground,
friday we went to visit my brother who chased him,wrestled and we both
played,had dinner,talked, yesterday we went to the playground,had a
pic-nic and walked around the pond,today we went to the library,got
videos and built stilts outside. Every minute he asks me to play with
him, if i stop to eat something he rushes me by asking am i done yet?
I just finished vacuuming because i have been with him all week and i
told him i wanted to sit and rest.
yet, he says"will you play with me in a minute???
I am right here in the same room with him but it's not enough for me
to have some time!
He's 5yo. and 5 and a half.
Don't get me wrong i love being with him and playing. Is it because
he's an only?
I did tell him to leave me alone! Which i know i shouldn't have and i
just explained to him that there are times that i need to do things.
My dh said that his parents didn't play with him,that's what his toys
were for. I don't agree with him of course, just need some advice, am
i wrong for needing time?

Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 2, 2007, at 9:19 PM, halfshadow1 wrote:

> I don't know what to do with Lukas asking me to play with him all the
> time.

It sounds like you're looking for a solution that will stop him from
asking so you don't have to feel guilty for saying "I need a break."
If you look at your post you can see it's a justification for why you
feel he's asking too much and why he should stop.

Trying to control someone else can be not only frustrating but can
turn into anger at the person we're trying to control.

He's asking because he enjoys playing with you :-) (It *will*
decrease with age.) But rather than trying to change him, change
yourself. Tell him: "I'm going to take a break for half an hour
because I'm tired." While it's important for kids to know we take
their needs seriously, it's important to take our own needs seriously
too. (It's just really important to distinguish between our needs and
the huge list of "have tos" we often accumulate.)

You could brainstorm with him some ideas for things he can do for
half an hour. You could set a timer and when it's done *do* go to him
so he knows you're dependable. You could save up some of his favorite
shows and put one one.

Maybe when you're tired you can tell him "I'm getting tired. I'll be
able to play for half an hour and then I need a break for half an
hour. What kind of things can we come up with that would be fun for
you to do?"

What about other kids? What about paying an older homeschooler to
play him for an hour or two a week.

Joyce

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Sandra Dodd

-=-I don't agree with him of course, just need some advice, am
i wrong for needing time?-=-

Is he wrong for needing time?

Find another little kid. It doesn't have to be a boy and doesn't
have to be a five year old. Find an after-school kid who needs care
until mom gets home and trade straight out for him or her to play
with yours. Or pay him or her. Or (what we did once with a
"daycare" schoolkid) the mom pays you $6 (or whatever) and you give
her half of it (or all of it) to play hard with your child during
that time.

That doesn't replace all of you. That gives you two hours (or
however long).

Find slightly younger kids who need care. Find things they can do
together but don't leave Lukas alone with that other child, be there.

Find a family with more than one. It will be hard for you to bring
their two or three into where you only have one, but when he's at
their house they'll have a blast! That one shouldn't be straight
across, but proportional, like twice as much, he's at their house.
Sometimes, when they're over, do a project. Home-made play-dough, or
painting, or something you set up that they can do for a while, and
when they're tired of that they can go play outside.

Things like that should be done for him. The play is how he's learning.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll
<fetteroll@...> wrote:
>> He's asking because he enjoys playing with you :-) (It *will*
> decrease with age.)

It really will! Ray was like this at Lukas' age - he needed another
person to interact with most of the time. Now he's 13 and while he's
still very much a 'people person' he doesn't clamor for attention.

> But rather than trying to change him, change
> yourself.

This was sooooo important for me. I really think it ties in to some
of the other issues you are having with Lukas, too. As long as I was
trying to find solutions that changed Ray we were at odds much of
the time, and with Ray that meant regular screaming, hitting
meltdowns. Yikes. The more I accepted Ray for who he was the more I
was able to look for ways to meet his needs *and* mine (as opposed
to his *or* mine).

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

Melody Flurry

One thing you might try is to let him help you with things that really need to be done. My 4 year old daughter likes to help with laundry and dishes, but not with running the vacuum (she doesn't like the noise). She also likes to help make meals.

Letting your son help provides him with an opportunity to be with you while also showing him the process of taking care of the household/family. I think that it's fine to try and find an activity that he likes, and tell him that you need to rest or take a break and let him gradually get used to occupying himself for a short time. Start out with maybe 5 or 10 minutes of playing with playdoh or trucks or something, and then come back to him. Then increase the amount of time that you let him play by himself. He will learn that you are going to come back and play with him and he will also learn that he can be creative and learn on his own. Ask him what he did while you were resting, and he can tell you all about it.

These are things that have helped me with my own children, but ultimately it will be a trial and error of developing a strategy that works for both of you without causing conflict. Don't forget that children don't stay small forever, and one day you will look back and laugh and be thankful for the time you were able to spend with him.

Melody :-)



halfshadow1 <halfshadow1@...> wrote:
I don't know what to do with Lukas asking me to play with him all the
time. Thursday we went puddle hopping in the rain and the playground,
friday we went to visit my brother who chased him,wrestled and we both
played,had dinner,talked, yesterday we went to the playground,had a
pic-nic and walked around the pond,today we went to the library,got
videos and built stilts outside. Every minute he asks me to play with
him, if i stop to eat something he rushes me by asking am i done yet?
I just finished vacuuming because i have been with him all week and i
told him i wanted to sit and rest.
yet, he says"will you play with me in a minute???
I am right here in the same room with him but it's not enough for me
to have some time!
He's 5yo. and 5 and a half.
Don't get me wrong i love being with him and playing. Is it because
he's an only?
I did tell him to leave me alone! Which i know i shouldn't have and i
just explained to him that there are times that i need to do things.
My dh said that his parents didn't play with him,that's what his toys
were for. I don't agree with him of course, just need some advice, am
i wrong for needing time?




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mamakopp

His need to play and be with you is the perfect side effect of good
parenting:) Embrace him. YOu are doing a good job. They grow up so
quickly. It's O.K. for you to need time to sit and recoup. I would
take naps with my two boys, no matter what. When I needed to sit
down for a moment to relax I would snuggle up with them and listen
to classical music and draw pictures with or for them. I find that
lying down versus sitting gives me more of an energy buzz.
I can totally relate. My boys are still like this.
Hang in there, your not alone. It's O.K. too to mess-up and get
frustrated, just be sure to apologize afterward. Gives them a chance
to respect you for being human. And trust me even the smallest of
child has a clue about respect:)
Lorilee
--- In [email protected], "halfshadow1"
<halfshadow1@...> wrote:
>
> I don't know what to do with Lukas asking me to play with him all
the
> time. Thursday we went puddle hopping in the rain and the
playground,
> friday we went to visit my brother who chased him,wrestled and we
both
> played,had dinner,talked, yesterday we went to the playground,had a
> pic-nic and walked around the pond,today we went to the library,got
> videos and built stilts outside. Every minute he asks me to play
with
> him, if i stop to eat something he rushes me by asking am i done
yet?
> I just finished vacuuming because i have been with him all week
and i
> told him i wanted to sit and rest.
> yet, he says"will you play with me in a minute???
> I am right here in the same room with him but it's not enough for
me
> to have some time!
> He's 5yo. and 5 and a half.
> Don't get me wrong i love being with him and playing. Is it because
> he's an only?
> I did tell him to leave me alone! Which i know i shouldn't have
and i
> just explained to him that there are times that i need to do
things.
> My dh said that his parents didn't play with him,that's what his
toys
> were for. I don't agree with him of course, just need some advice,
am
> i wrong for needing time?
>

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "mamakopp" <lorileekopp@...>
wrote:
>I would
> take naps with my two boys, no matter what. When I needed to sit
> down for a moment to relax I would snuggle up with them and listen
> to classical music and draw pictures with or for them.

Neither of my kids napped after about age 2. I don't think the OP's
kid naps, either, from other comments she's made over time. That being
said, I can sometimes get a little rest by suggesting a tv show or
movie, but the darn thing about unschooled kids is they don't always
go for that ;)

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

sedalializ

--- In [email protected], "halfshadow1"
<halfshadow1@...> wrote:
>
> I don't know what to do with Lukas asking me to play with him all
the
> time. >

Here are a couple ideas:

There is a book (book on tape) called Healing Trust by Thomas and in
it she explains how she gets neglected children that come to her home
as foster children (who desire constant attention) to play quietly
while she does housework. If I remember correctly she specifies a
particular smallish area (the sofa, the play corner of the room, etc)
and gives the child only a couple choices (like Legos or coloring)
and then explains to the child that while they stay in the area and
don't talk to her they can play, but if they talk to her or leave the
play area, then she will know they want to help her. She said to
expect in the beginning that they don't stay quiet or in the area for
more than a few seconds. Be ready to cheerfully say 'oh good you are
ready to help me' and then have them help with the chore you are
doing. Then put them back and repeat the instructions. Supposedly
after several repetitions the child starts to learn to play quietly
for 15 min, a half an hour even.

What I would do in the past when I had a needy foster child (7 yrs
old) is tell her that I get an hour off and that for that hour she
can be in the same room but not talk to me. I only did it once a
week and the first time was really rough on the child but after a few
weeks she (and the next one, I had two kids I did this with) would
play quietly while I took at break and watched TV. Usually they
would play as close to the TV as possible so they would feel they
were still being watched over.

Robyn L. Coburn

<<<<< There is a book (book on tape) called Healing Trust by Thomas and in
> it she explains how she gets neglected children that come to her home
> as foster children (who desire constant attention) to play quietly
> while she does housework. If I remember correctly she specifies a
> particular smallish area (the sofa, the play corner of the room, etc)
> and gives the child only a couple choices (like Legos or coloring)
> and then explains to the child that while they stay in the area and
> don't talk to her they can play, but if they talk to her or leave the
> play area, then she will know they want to help her. She said to
> expect in the beginning that they don't stay quiet or in the area for
> more than a few seconds. Be ready to cheerfully say 'oh good you are
> ready to help me' and then have them help with the chore you are
> doing. Then put them back and repeat the instructions. Supposedly
> after several repetitions the child starts to learn to play quietly
> for 15 min, a half an hour even. >>>>>

Yes well this all sounds very Pavlovian. I don't understand why "put them
back and repeat the instructions" is needed.

Why not just make doing the housework so much fun and enjoy the child's
company doing the tasks? Why not use this precious time to make connections
with these children who so desperately need to feel valued? Why not get ALL
the housework and possibly gardening done this way? It will probably take
longer, but think of the memories being forged.

I have an only and we spend somewhere between one third and one half of our
time living on night shift where I am her only available playate. I do
understand the pressure to be the constant companion. It gets easier as she
gets older and has more inner resources of her own including her artistry
and computer games. She enjoys doing housework type activities too. Always
has.

<<<< > What I would do in the past when I had a needy foster child (7 yrs
> old) is tell her that I get an hour off >>>>>

I take my time off when Jayn(7.5) is sleeping either before she has awoken
or after she goes to sleep, or when she is out with dh. I try not to bring
strategies into my home that are "really rough on the child" if at all
possible.

Robyn L. Coburn

Sandra Dodd

-=-Usually they
would play as close to the TV as possible so they would feel they
were still being watched over.-=-

Being watched over by the TV?!

"Feel" they were still being watched over?

-=-Supposedly
after several repetitions the child starts to learn to play quietly
for 15 min, a half an hour even.-=-

-=-Supposedly ...-=-

Let's not do "supposedlies" here. Let's do what we have found to
really work and work well.

-=-> I don't know what to do with Lukas asking me to play with him all
the time. >-=-

Play with him or find someone to play with him.
Training him not to want to play is not the path to better learning
nor to unschooling. Nor is it the path to the mother being a better
person.

Sandra

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