Re: [AlwaysLearning] dealing with anger
diana jenner
On 1/25/07, Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
Sometimes with Hayden's anger, I find myself at a complete loss...
I just don't want him to *be* angry; or worse, become an Angry Person.
His dad spent the most of his life angry and it didn't do him any favors...
he was about 25 (about the time we met and began dating) when he decided on
his own that he wanted a different kind of life, so there were two VERY
distinct parts of his life, pre-diana and post-diana. I wish he were still
around for me to pick his brain about this...
After Hannah's death, when his anger was big and raw and real, I truly
didn't have any acceptable tools to help dissipate his anger (as I was
dealing with my own big, raw, real emotions). I picked up some flower
essences for the both of us, for him I got Willow, which "helps you find joy
when you're resentful and feeling sorry for yourself" We talked about it
when he was calm, he was open to trying it, but he did once say he was
unwilling to take it because, "if I let go of my anger, I will have to let
go of my memories of Hannah." Other days, he asked to have a few drops in
his water, to have throughout the day. Great insight into what was going on
in his head. So we talked some more; actually I listened some more and gave
him a safe place to talk without my judgment or unsolicited input.
When anger comes now (we're almost 11 months past Hannah's death) I model
breathing, I come to him calm and empty (this won't be *the last straw*!!)
ready to hear whatever needs to be heard for him to feel comfortable moving
on. We've talked about the way anger feels and when it's productive to have
that feeling (the fight/flight concept) and when it's not (tough to find
what you've lost when your mind is a red haze of anger). I've asked him
what he wants from me in those moments, he's said he just wants me to be
calm and not have a big reaction to his anger, just help him deal with it
(without my own whatever getting in the way).
We've hit a groove lately :) Just the other day, I ran in to help find the
remote when I heard his angstful cries of having lost it. He said to me,
"mom, I'm not mad, not even frustrated yet, thanks for coming to help right
away." I've noticed he's breathing more often when stuff is *beginning* to
get to him.
My biggest obstacle has been taking it personally. My mind's voice that
says, "see you really are a shitty mother, your kid's angry no matter what
you do" was the first one to pipe up and scold me. I can't be the parent I
really want to be, the parent I know I can be, if that's how I feel about
myself. (if I don't wanna play on my own team, who will wanna play with me?)
So, I sat down with that voice and kindly thanked her for coming, but her
services are no longer needed, please leave! I've invited other voices to
live there instead, voices that remind me to breathe through it, this is
*his* and not yours, reminding me we *are* a team and *WE* can figure this
out together. That, I think, has made the biggest difference of all.
BTW, this is one issue where my MIL watches me carefully... having had an
angry son herself, and not having had the tools to deal with him peacefully,
she's very interested in how I deal with Hayden. It's obvious now that her
parenting style didn't necessarily *make* him angry, but nor did it leave
room for healing that anger. My intention in my relationship with Hayden is
to give him the tools he needs to deal with all of his emotions in a way
that works for him, is productive in our life and preserves the trust we
have with one another. I believe as time goes on, she will see the mighty
benefits of the road we're on.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I'm interested in hearing more about the practicalities of this:I'm glad we're talking about this!! :)
>
> <When fury comes it's probably better (physically, emotionally and
> socially) for a mom to help a child turn that to something more
> positive than to validate it. Sometimes anger isn't as "valid" as
> other times.>
>
> I seem to have trouble helping one of my kids with this - she gets
> her feelings hurt and gets angry with me when I don't validate her
> anger (at someone else/about something else) and pretty often doesn't
> seem to want to move on to finding ways to be happier. I know that
> deeper down, inside, she wants to be happier, but at the time she
> seems to want to hold onto all the emotion. My question has to do
> with how to help her turn fury into something more positive - without
> validating it.
>
> And, of course, there may be times fury is valid, but I'm talking
> about times when a response other than big anger would be more
> appropriate, useful, productive, lead to more happiness for herself
> and others.
>
> I know there are no magic words, but it would sure help me to hear
> how some of these kinds of conversations might go between other
> parents and more emotional/intense older teens.
>
> Any other time, by the way, we're very close and loving and she's a
> kind and caring and logical/rational person.
>
Sometimes with Hayden's anger, I find myself at a complete loss...
I just don't want him to *be* angry; or worse, become an Angry Person.
His dad spent the most of his life angry and it didn't do him any favors...
he was about 25 (about the time we met and began dating) when he decided on
his own that he wanted a different kind of life, so there were two VERY
distinct parts of his life, pre-diana and post-diana. I wish he were still
around for me to pick his brain about this...
After Hannah's death, when his anger was big and raw and real, I truly
didn't have any acceptable tools to help dissipate his anger (as I was
dealing with my own big, raw, real emotions). I picked up some flower
essences for the both of us, for him I got Willow, which "helps you find joy
when you're resentful and feeling sorry for yourself" We talked about it
when he was calm, he was open to trying it, but he did once say he was
unwilling to take it because, "if I let go of my anger, I will have to let
go of my memories of Hannah." Other days, he asked to have a few drops in
his water, to have throughout the day. Great insight into what was going on
in his head. So we talked some more; actually I listened some more and gave
him a safe place to talk without my judgment or unsolicited input.
When anger comes now (we're almost 11 months past Hannah's death) I model
breathing, I come to him calm and empty (this won't be *the last straw*!!)
ready to hear whatever needs to be heard for him to feel comfortable moving
on. We've talked about the way anger feels and when it's productive to have
that feeling (the fight/flight concept) and when it's not (tough to find
what you've lost when your mind is a red haze of anger). I've asked him
what he wants from me in those moments, he's said he just wants me to be
calm and not have a big reaction to his anger, just help him deal with it
(without my own whatever getting in the way).
We've hit a groove lately :) Just the other day, I ran in to help find the
remote when I heard his angstful cries of having lost it. He said to me,
"mom, I'm not mad, not even frustrated yet, thanks for coming to help right
away." I've noticed he's breathing more often when stuff is *beginning* to
get to him.
My biggest obstacle has been taking it personally. My mind's voice that
says, "see you really are a shitty mother, your kid's angry no matter what
you do" was the first one to pipe up and scold me. I can't be the parent I
really want to be, the parent I know I can be, if that's how I feel about
myself. (if I don't wanna play on my own team, who will wanna play with me?)
So, I sat down with that voice and kindly thanked her for coming, but her
services are no longer needed, please leave! I've invited other voices to
live there instead, voices that remind me to breathe through it, this is
*his* and not yours, reminding me we *are* a team and *WE* can figure this
out together. That, I think, has made the biggest difference of all.
BTW, this is one issue where my MIL watches me carefully... having had an
angry son herself, and not having had the tools to deal with him peacefully,
she's very interested in how I deal with Hayden. It's obvious now that her
parenting style didn't necessarily *make* him angry, but nor did it leave
room for healing that anger. My intention in my relationship with Hayden is
to give him the tools he needs to deal with all of his emotions in a way
that works for him, is productive in our life and preserves the trust we
have with one another. I believe as time goes on, she will see the mighty
benefits of the road we're on.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
> she getsMy youngest,Joe (8) can be the same way . What's helped me, was
> > her feelings hurt and gets angry with me when I don't validate her
> > anger (at someone else/about something else) and pretty often doesn't
> > seem to want to move on to finding ways to be happier.
realizing that anger is typically a secondary emotion. When I started
looking for what his underlying feeling was, and validating that, it
really helped him work through his anger and move towards finding ways
to be happy again.
~jennifer c
magenta_mum
I'm interested in this topic too, and feel like I may have something
to offer, though I'm not real clear what form that will take. Perhaps
I'll come clearer while I'm typing. I'm sorry to have erased all Pam's
and Diana's good words, but I couldn't decide what to leave in to
respond to and what to leave out, so it's all gone even though I
would've rather left every single word there.
Pam, I want to ask if your daughter has always been a passionate
person? Perhaps has always had a passionate *and* at times intense
personality? I'm asking this too with only 13yrs of mindfully
parenting an, at times, intense and passionate daughter under my belt.
My daughter is generally a calm, articulate, logical, sweet, caring
person, who laughs a lot, but there have been times when she's gone
through more intense, kind of unhappy and angry patches, always around
particular issues (sometimes of an existential nautre) that others,
myself included sometimes, would feel she 'should' be able to find a
way to let go of.
She has a keen sense of justice and injustice, which contributes
greatly to her ability to be a fine mediator, and to times when she's
completely outraged by something and despite all the great stuff she
knows and usually practices in her life, she can not or seems
unwilling to let it go of it in what I and others would consider a
more timely manner.
She's talked to me about finding my ability to be calm at such times
even more infuriating to her (though not always), feeling that I just
don't care and should really care more, so that exploring the thing
that is infuriating her is more likely to help her move through and on.
I'm not sure how clear that is, or if it's relevant to your
situation... Maybe it will be clearer this way. The path through, for
us, is the one where we explore the infuriating passion in the same
way we would a happy passion. Which isn't the same as validating the
anger or fury, I don't think. Does that make sense?
It has occurred to me, with the help of some wise words from other
mindful mothers, that my daughter might be an activist type of person,
and that she may well pursue a path in life consistent with the
passion and strength that are part of her unique self around issues
she believes important. I've been able to move through the fears I
felt for her around that idea, and with that acceptance has come more
peace, for us both.
Jo R
to offer, though I'm not real clear what form that will take. Perhaps
I'll come clearer while I'm typing. I'm sorry to have erased all Pam's
and Diana's good words, but I couldn't decide what to leave in to
respond to and what to leave out, so it's all gone even though I
would've rather left every single word there.
Pam, I want to ask if your daughter has always been a passionate
person? Perhaps has always had a passionate *and* at times intense
personality? I'm asking this too with only 13yrs of mindfully
parenting an, at times, intense and passionate daughter under my belt.
My daughter is generally a calm, articulate, logical, sweet, caring
person, who laughs a lot, but there have been times when she's gone
through more intense, kind of unhappy and angry patches, always around
particular issues (sometimes of an existential nautre) that others,
myself included sometimes, would feel she 'should' be able to find a
way to let go of.
She has a keen sense of justice and injustice, which contributes
greatly to her ability to be a fine mediator, and to times when she's
completely outraged by something and despite all the great stuff she
knows and usually practices in her life, she can not or seems
unwilling to let it go of it in what I and others would consider a
more timely manner.
She's talked to me about finding my ability to be calm at such times
even more infuriating to her (though not always), feeling that I just
don't care and should really care more, so that exploring the thing
that is infuriating her is more likely to help her move through and on.
I'm not sure how clear that is, or if it's relevant to your
situation... Maybe it will be clearer this way. The path through, for
us, is the one where we explore the infuriating passion in the same
way we would a happy passion. Which isn't the same as validating the
anger or fury, I don't think. Does that make sense?
It has occurred to me, with the help of some wise words from other
mindful mothers, that my daughter might be an activist type of person,
and that she may well pursue a path in life consistent with the
passion and strength that are part of her unique self around issues
she believes important. I've been able to move through the fears I
felt for her around that idea, and with that acceptance has come more
peace, for us both.
Jo R
Nicole Paluszek
Thank you Diana for sharing your experiences and
insights when it comes to dealing with anger. As I
often face similar difficulties when Brian gets into
an angry mood, your post is very helpful to me.
Aloha,
Nicole
____________________________________________________________________________________
Looking for earth-friendly autos?
Browse Top Cars by "Green Rating" at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center.
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insights when it comes to dealing with anger. As I
often face similar difficulties when Brian gets into
an angry mood, your post is very helpful to me.
Aloha,
Nicole
____________________________________________________________________________________
Looking for earth-friendly autos?
Browse Top Cars by "Green Rating" at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center.
http://autos.yahoo.com/green_center/
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm sorry to have erased all Pam's
and Diana's good words, but I couldn't decide what to leave in to
respond to and what to leave out, so it's all gone even though I
would've rather left every single word there.-=-
Every post to the list is available. It's fine not to quote, since
they're still there.<g>
At the bottom of each e-mail (or right there, for those reading and
posting at the website) is a link to the previous posts in that topic.
I love this current feature on yahoogroups!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and Diana's good words, but I couldn't decide what to leave in to
respond to and what to leave out, so it's all gone even though I
would've rather left every single word there.-=-
Every post to the list is available. It's fine not to quote, since
they're still there.<g>
At the bottom of each e-mail (or right there, for those reading and
posting at the website) is a link to the previous posts in that topic.
I love this current feature on yahoogroups!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]