Maisha Khalfani

Sandra - I'm sorry if I came across hostile - that's not my intent at all. I've been reading and re-reading your website, Joyce's, Danielle's,Ren's, and other sources. I'm trying to understand unschooling myself. My husband doesn't know much about it. He was raised in a house like most, where adults were the rule. He is interested in learning, but has some concerns. I'm happy that he was interested in finding out more! My husband doesn't think that going to Harvard or being a doctor is successful. After all, he got a GED after being bored in high school. His fears come more from the "lack of control" aspect than the unschooling aspect. He has no problem with "living and learning". He was honestly wondering, though, if children who were unschooled were encouraged to go on to "mainstream professions". I tried to explain to him that I'm sure some do, if that's what they are passionate about. But I'm still learning and unschooling myself, so I couldn't explain it well. I guess he is worried that he didn't do much with his life because he wasn't encouraged, and he wants to be sure that his children (we have 5) reach whatever their potential is. He just wants to be sure that he gives them all they need, and that they don't "settle" for something. All of this is coming from his perspective, and the life that he has lived, which has been very rough, to say the least.

We don't have many or any close "professional" friends, so we couldn't ask them about that. He never went to college and I went to three different colleges and dropped out. I'm now going back to get my degree simply because I want to - not because I Have To. And it will be much more exciting for me to finish because I'm doing it just to learn more, and not for a "career" or to make money (such a lie they tell).

Anyway....I'm sorry again. Hubby and I were kind of in the midst of an argument about parenting and such, and my angst probably came across in my writing.

Thanks to those of you who answered. I will continue to read and learn, and visit the links and read the books that have been mentioned.

Maisha
"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and dance with the Earth in all her glorious colors." ~ Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

On Mar 25, 2006, at 3:40 PM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:

> Sandra - I'm sorry if I came across hostile - that's not my intent
> at all. I've been reading and re-reading your website, Joyce's,
> Danielle's,Ren's, and other sources. I'm trying to understand
> unschooling myself. My husband doesn't know much about it.


Not you, your husband. Not hostile, just... frustrating.

-=- He was raised in a house like most, where adults were the rule.-=-

So were most of us; maybe all.

-=-He is interested in learning, but has some concerns. -=-

So does everyone at first.

-=- I'm happy that he was interested in finding out more! -=-

But I had the feeling (possibly unwarranted)that he wants to be
taught about unschooling, to be spoonfed. It seems he wants
unschoolers to defend themselves for his benefit (or might actually
want us to fail to defend ourselves, for his benefit, if he's in
opposition to the idea of unschooling). He's not our proctor and
this isn't a test.

If you want to go with unit studies or some easy curriculum for a
while until you can BOTH read more about unschooling and see how
other ways work, that might be better than having arguments about
it. You shouldn't have to take tests either. And nobody here will
make a commission if you decide to unschool. It's not like we're
selling water purifiers or cable TV or SUVs and have to answer a
badillion questions from comparison-shopping customers to make our
percentage. We're people helping just to be nice, sharing our lives
LOTS, openly, and freely. He can stick his feet, his hand, his face,
in that river of information, but he can't dam it up and divert it
into his own stream.

It might help, if his concerns are as you say, not to try to prove
that unschooling will guarantee anything, but simply to show that
school doesn't guarantee it AND school is known to cause other problems.



Sandra

Maisha Khalfani

<<If you want to go with unit studies or some easy curriculum for a
while until you can BOTH read more about unschooling and see how
other ways work, that might be better than having arguments about
it.>>

Actually, we were already unschoolers. It's the "radical unschooling" that he was having issues with. We have made the transition from using a curriculum, to living. The issue is the bedtimes, the tv, computer, eating when they want, etc, etc. He's just against it and just thinks I'm being a "crazy liberal" LOL.

Now I think if we can somehow make it to the conference in September he'll see things differently. He needs to meet radical unschoolers, and then maybe he'll understand. It's a paradigm shift and one that I don't think he's ready to make yet. It will take time.

But I'm here to grow and learn, and do what I can with my children....before they "have to" go to bed.


Maisha
"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and dance with the Earth in all her glorious colors." ~ Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Melissa

I'm also eagerly looking forward to the conference. We're new to
unschooling, and I can't wait to be around other RUS (Josh asked if
they were cousins to ROUS's lol!) I think it'll help my dh as well,
we're not really struggling, but he's not really 100% behind me yet.

Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose


On Mar 27, 2006, at 11:26 PM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:
>
> Now I think if we can somehow make it to the conference in
> September he'll see things differently. He needs to meet radical
> unschoolers, and then maybe he'll understand. It's a paradigm
> shift and one that I don't think he's ready to make yet. It will
> take time.

Maisha Khalfani

Melissa (and others with more than the "average" number of kids) how do you handle ru with all those folks running around?! LOL And how are you guys making it to the conference?

I'm a loner by nature, and prefer quiet to noise. And when the kids are up they are screaming and stomping and jumping, and we live in an apartment. I don't want our downstairs neighbors to complain about the noise. 3 complaints and we get booted out.

And what about little things like the food budget? I don't mind my kids eating what they want - that's how I grew up. I just don't know how I can afford a food bill that is more than my rent! And with 7 ppl in a house, it can easily be more than $1000. So I end up having to tell them that they can't eat all of such-and-such because it's not in the budget to buy anymore. Or, once it's all gone there won't be anymore. And I don't like having to do that. I just don't know how to get around that particular issue. Food is expensive.

I'm so excited about ru, and so frustrated at the same time because I don't feel like I'm able to "do it" like I'd like. But that's my controlling Virgo nature - trying to get it "right".

Help me out guys!

Maisha
"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and dance with the Earth in all her glorious colors." ~ Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Gold Standard

>>(and others with more than the "average" number of kids) how do you handle
ru with all those folks running around?!<<

>>And what about little things like the food budget?<<

There are 7 people in our family (4 kids, 2 parents, 1 rather needy
grandmother). We've unschooled with the label for almost 4 years, and
without the label for a few years before that. Our budget has varied from
below the poverty level to times of financial wealth. In any of those times,
we have just put the information out there to the whole family. "This month
we have about $500 for food, what do you want to do?" Ideas vary all the
time, but it is always a sure thing that we have an agreed upon plan in the
end. And I often have little to do with it.

Sometimes we have plenty of money and I just ask what people want before I
go to the store. Sometimes people will get a list going on their own and
give it to me or post it. Sometimes I go to the grocery store twice in a
day, or three or more times in a week. It just depends on the time and the
needs and the wants.

Sometimes we label food so that food that particular people pick out special
isn't eaten by someone else by mistake. We've had almost no problem with
people eating someone else's labeled food or portion...everyone respects
everyone else's stuff. That comes with unschooling in general...everyone
feels respected and in turn respects others and their stuff.

So for the food portion of your question, I would suggest sharing all the
information and talking about it together. If you take yourself out of the
control seat, the group will probably direct you on how to spend the food
money just fine. You of course have your own food choices to add into the
mix.

I would also suggest that as much as possible the situation is set up so
that you don't control others' food intake. If things are labeled in a way
that everyone can understand, that should take you out of that arena pretty
much. If someone wants to eat more than you think they should portion out,
give them the information about them eating the whole thing in one sitting,
and let them decide.

People share their "special" foods with others pretty regularly around here.
That is always a beautiful thing to see. Even if we can't buy everything
everyone wanted, we all still feel like we have an abundance. That comes
from being listened to, and being part of the decision-making process, and
having control. We feel contentedly full.

My 12 yo son wanted a new video game when we were at Universal Studios. I
had about $20 that I could spend on it...the rest was for gas and food. He
wanted one that just came out...it was $50. I literally took the cash out of
my pocket and we counted together. I never said no. We thought quietly for a
moment. Then he said, "Do you think that Grammie will lend me $30 if I pay
her back from my money when we get home?" She was with us and my answer was,
"I don't know...you want me to ask?" He asked her himself, she said yes
(even though she struggles with the unlimited video game playing) and he
bought the game. He was SOO happy. He kept hugging us and thanking us...for
hours! As soon as we got home, he paid her back.

He felt full...full of love, full of appreciation, full of abundance. Even
though it wasn't an automatic easy purchase.

As far as "all those folks running around" state above, it is the life we
chose. It is work to make sure that you are paying attention to what each
child's experiences are each day, to be watchful for their individual tastes
and needs, while you are tending the whole group. This may be more work than
a family with one or two kids, but that doesn't matter. You may have to
expand yourself beyond what others do, but it's just your job. The question
of "how do you handle ru..." makes me think that you are "handling" things
rather than living life happily. Can you think of this very active time as
enjoyable? I think that would make a big difference.

I have felt very s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d with the activity of our lives at times,
but then I remember it is just a feeling. It can be released like every
other feeling so that I can be completely present in this moment with
whomever I am with, in joy.

My kids are older now and I rather be with them than anyone else in the
world. I SO enjoy being with them.


I wanted to share more about this but have to go. This was certainly long
enough!

Jacki, off to sleep in a house where 3 are already asleep, 1 is about to be
asleep (me), and 3 will be active for a while longer...

Sandra Dodd

On Mar 27, 2006, at 10:26 PM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:

> Actually, we were already unschoolers. It's the "radical
> unschooling" that he was having issues with. We have made the
> transition from using a curriculum, to living. The issue is the
> bedtimes, the tv, computer, eating when they want, etc, etc. He's
> just against it and just thinks I'm being a "crazy liberal" LOL.


But you're still separating learning from living if you tell them
what and when and how to do and be.
Unschooling by living, but only during "school hours"?

I realize some people do consider unschooling to be a thing to do
during school hours, but without school, I don't believe there can be
school hours, or subjects, or a separation between the breathing,
sleeping, eating, feeling part of life and the... learning part?


http://sandradodd.com/deschooling

Maybe you've looked at that already, but there might be some things
you could quote for your husband.

If you go to the conference with your kids who are used to being
controlled, they might go wild and crazy and your husband won't be
impressed. If he believes kids should sit and clean their plates and
then go to bed by the clock, he will be unimpressed.

If there are too many people at the conference who aren't at that
point yet, nobody will be very impressed.

My kids have had problems in the past with kids who were brought
there for their first taste of freedom. People should probably
practice their first tastes of freedom at home, and the younger the
better. Big, loud, dangerous teens who have been controlled and then
are let loose can disturb the peace. Little kids who are where
others are free to run as they're used to can seem confused and
unhappy if other kids are getting to do what they can't, yet if
they're unaccustomed to making decisions and being responsible, the
parents really can't let them go far.

It's not about the conference, it's about a gradual transition and a
belief that it can work.

As to eating when one is hungry and not eating a single bite more
than one wants, there are resources on that that are not at all based
on unschooling. And if that one is understood, bedtimes and watching
DVDs will probably seem very similar. http://sandradodd.com/food I
think there are some "outside links" there.

http://sandradodd.com/option has this, and then a longer and very
good piece by Robyn Coburn. (Quoting that page to the end of this
post, but not the whole page.)


"Unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional
parenting."
Mercedes / mulwiler
on the UnschoolingDiscussion list


SandraDodd wrote at [email protected]:

If a family shows up here who's still doing school at home and wants
to unschool, maybe the talk about food and chores and bedtimes is
just going to overwhelm and confuse them. Because there CAN be
unschooling in a family where kids also have chores and bedtimes and
have to clean their plates. I don't personally think it will have the
depth or benefit, ultimately, as a house where the children's
preferences and freedoms have high priority, but it could still
absolutely be, in homeschooling terms, unschooling.

Jacqueline (Ivorygrace7...) responded:

I think this is a good point, and something I had been wondering
about. We have unschooled for the past five years. My children had no
assigned academic work; no TV, computer, or video game rules; and in
general did what they wanted to when they wanted to. But they did
have chores, and they did have regular meal and snack times and no
food in between, and they did have bedtimes.

On the other hand, after being on this list for only a few days, I
started to get the point of doing away with bedtimes, food control,
and chores. I saw the whole picture and respect my children a lot
more because of it. We no longer have assigned chores and surprise,
surprise, my children often are willing to help out anyways. We no
longer have any food controls, and I ask my children what they would
like before I go to the grocery store, and believe it or not, I think
they eat healthier than before. We no longer have bedtimes, and the
kids do stay up a lot later than they used to, and they're sometimes
too noisy even when I tell them that I'm trying to rest, but this is
still new to them, and I think they'll settle down after a while when
they trust the situation more.

I think it's great that all these topics were discussed on this list.
This is a great place for other unschoolers like myself to see that
there can be so much more to unschooling than just not doing formal
academics.

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

On Mar 27, 2006, at 10:51 PM, Melissa wrote:

> I'm also eagerly looking forward to the conference. We're new to
> unschooling, and I can't wait to be around other RUS (Josh asked if
> they were cousins to ROUS's lol!) I think it'll help my dh as well,
> we're not really struggling, but he's not really 100% behind me yet.


Not really struggling and not really 100% is quite different from
"He's just against it."

The conferences can be fantastically useful, but they can be
uncomfortable if someone resistant is there.

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

On Mar 27, 2006, at 11:06 PM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:

> I'm a loner by nature, and prefer quiet to noise. And when the
> kids are up they are screaming and stomping and jumping, and we
> live in an apartment. I don't want our downstairs neighbors to
> complain about the noise. 3 complaints and we get booted out.

That is a problem. If someone has to share a house or a thin wall or
live above other people, MUCH freedom has to be curtailed because of
the situation.

There are some circumstances in which radical unschooling can't and
won't work. It's not for everyone, and it does requlre that the
parents have the freedom to make certain choices too. Even a
childless couple has to follow lots of rules to live in an apartment
house.

-=-And what about little things like the food budget? I don't mind
my kids eating what they want - that's how I grew up. I just don't
know how I can afford a food bill that is more than my rent! -=-

It's better to start with not making them eat what they don't want to
eat, and figuring out how to make what they do want to eat more
palatable and interesting. Exaggerated thinking like "I just don't
know how I can afford a food bill that is more than my rent! " is a
way of rejecting ideas. Some people get into the habit of just
rejecting ideas without really turning them over and examining them.
That's okay, and sometimes the choices really aren't there.

http://sandradodd.com/ifilet
There are some extreme examples that might help you see when you
inadvertently make the same kinds of justifications for limits.

-=-And with 7 ppl in a house, it can easily be more than $1000. So I
end up having to tell them that they can't eat all of such-and-such
because it's not in the budget to buy anymore. Or, once it's all
gone there won't be anymore. And I don't like having to do that. -=-

Those aren't your only choices, and "try replacing "have to" with
"choose to."
It's not about quantities, it's about choices and freedoms and
creativity and generosity.
http://sandradodd.com/respect

-=-I'm so excited about ru, and so frustrated at the same time
because I don't feel like I'm able to "do it" like I'd like.-=-

You might not be able to do it with so many kids in so small a
space. Other considerations might win out. And if your husband
doesn't want it, you can't have it. That's part of a partnership.
One of you can't buy a yacht over the other's objections, and
unschooling is a little like owning a yacht. It takes a lot of
planning and maintenance and it changes your whole life and not
everyone can have or even wants a yacht.

Maybe you could figure out ways to lighten up, though, and maybe you
could persuade your husband to soften by showing him how the children
are changing. Show him with your children, though, not other
people's, when you can.

Sandra

Melissa

On Mar 28, 2006, at 12:06 AM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:

> Melissa (and others with more than the "average" number of kids)
> how do you handle ru with all those folks running around?! LOL
> And how are you guys making it to the conference?
One day at a time?! We have seven kids, and it can get pretty loud.
It can seem out of control. I do 'breathe' a lot.
We'll be driving to the conference.
>
> I'm a loner by nature, and prefer quiet to noise. And when the
> kids are up they are screaming and stomping and jumping, and we
> live in an apartment. I don't want our downstairs neighbors to
> complain about the noise. 3 complaints and we get booted out.
My question would be to ask why are the kids screaming and stomping
and jumping inside? We go outside for that kind of play. If they get
loud, I note aloud that things are getting wild and ask if they want
to get somewhere that's it's easier to burn energy. Then we head
outside. The kids know that too much noise makes it hard for anyone
to hear someone else, so they are pretty considerate of that.
Sometimes they just need to be loud! Another idea is to make good
friends with your neighbor. Social capital is a good thing for
anyone, and by getting to know them, they are a lot more
understanding. Ask them what times of the day they're home, when
they're gone, just be sure to tell them that you want to make living
underneath you easier! It really worked well when we were in
apartments. That way when the neighbors are at work or something, you
can plan to instigate some noisy rambunctiousness.
>
> And what about little things like the food budget? I don't mind my
> kids eating what they want - that's how I grew up. I just don't
> know how I can afford a food bill that is more than my rent! And
> with 7 ppl in a house, it can easily be more than $1000. So I end
> up having to tell them that they can't eat all of such-and-such
> because it's not in the budget to buy anymore. Or, once it's all
> gone there won't be anymore. And I don't like having to do that.
> I just don't know how to get around that particular issue. Food is
> expensive.
I don't know that I'm much help with the food. We have two kids with
severe food allergies. They have their own bins with food that is
just for them. The other kids understand that. They've seen their
siblings get very ill on other foods, and want to make their lives
easier by not eating that food. WHen you can't have wheat or corn, it
really limits what you can have store-bought, so I guess that they're
fine with leaving those for the two.
What I can suggest is getting a club card. We shop at Sam's. WHile
it's not always a deal, it really can help with most of it. We aren't
spending money that other people would, by breast-feeding and using
cloth products. We don't' usually buy name brand anything. We buy
cases of meat, because it's a lot cheaper by the pound. We joined a
food coop. And always include the kids in budgeting and shopping. If
you talk with them about how much money you have and what bills have
to be paid, they're pretty cool about making choices that benefit
everyone. At the beginning of the month, we pay all the bills, and
then head to Sam's. The kids pick out cases of snacks, candy, fruit,
etc. We store it up the cabinets, and it usually lasts throughout the
month. We make a lot of snacks from scratch (it helps with the food
issues) and that's a ton easier. $5 for 24# of flour, and another few
dollars for eggs, chocolate chips and baking soda, butter, and you
have enough cookies to feed the neighborhood. Or a $$$ of yeast is
enough bread to keep the kids in for a month. There are innumerable
ways to give your kids the food they want on a meager budget. Plus
they get to make it and they love it.
Eh, i could go on and on. It all comes back to the fact that anything
is possible.

Maisha Khalfani

<<Maybe you could figure out ways to lighten up, though, and maybe you
could persuade your husband to soften by showing him how the children
are changing. Show him with your children, though, not other
people's, when you can.>>

Thank you, Sandra. That's the best advice so far.


Maisha
"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and dance with the Earth in all her glorious colors." ~ Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

katherand2003

Ooooo Jackie. Thanks so much for writing this wonderful long newsy
thingy on unschooling life. It's sweet.

Thanks again,
Kathe


--- In [email protected], "Gold Standard" <jacki@...> wrote:
>
> >>(and others with more than the "average" number of kids) how do
you handle
> ru with all those folks running around?!<<
>
> >>And what about little things like the food budget?<<
>
> There are 7 people in our family (4 kids, 2 parents, 1 rather needy
> grandmother). We've unschooled with the label for almost 4 years, and
> without the label for a few years before that. Our budget has varied
from
> below the poverty level to times of financial wealth. In any of
those times,
> we have just put the information out there to the whole family.
"This month
> we have about $500 for food, what do you want to do?" Ideas vary all the
> time, but it is always a sure thing that we have an agreed upon plan
in the
> end. And I often have little to do with it.
>
> Sometimes we have plenty of money and I just ask what people want
before I
> go to the store. Sometimes people will get a list going on their own and
> give it to me or post it. Sometimes I go to the grocery store twice in a
> day, or three or more times in a week. It just depends on the time
and the
> needs and the wants.
>
> Sometimes we label food so that food that particular people pick out
special
> isn't eaten by someone else by mistake. We've had almost no problem with
> people eating someone else's labeled food or portion...everyone respects
> everyone else's stuff. That comes with unschooling in general...everyone
> feels respected and in turn respects others and their stuff.
>
> So for the food portion of your question, I would suggest sharing
all the
> information and talking about it together. If you take yourself out
of the
> control seat, the group will probably direct you on how to spend the
food
> money just fine. You of course have your own food choices to add
into the
> mix.
>
> I would also suggest that as much as possible the situation is set up so
> that you don't control others' food intake. If things are labeled in
a way
> that everyone can understand, that should take you out of that arena
pretty
> much. If someone wants to eat more than you think they should
portion out,
> give them the information about them eating the whole thing in one
sitting,
> and let them decide.
>
> People share their "special" foods with others pretty regularly
around here.
> That is always a beautiful thing to see. Even if we can't buy everything
> everyone wanted, we all still feel like we have an abundance. That comes
> from being listened to, and being part of the decision-making
process, and
> having control. We feel contentedly full.
>
> My 12 yo son wanted a new video game when we were at Universal
Studios. I
> had about $20 that I could spend on it...the rest was for gas and
food. He
> wanted one that just came out...it was $50. I literally took the
cash out of
> my pocket and we counted together. I never said no. We thought
quietly for a
> moment. Then he said, "Do you think that Grammie will lend me $30 if
I pay
> her back from my money when we get home?" She was with us and my
answer was,
> "I don't know...you want me to ask?" He asked her himself, she said yes
> (even though she struggles with the unlimited video game playing) and he
> bought the game. He was SOO happy. He kept hugging us and thanking
us...for
> hours! As soon as we got home, he paid her back.
>
> He felt full...full of love, full of appreciation, full of
abundance. Even
> though it wasn't an automatic easy purchase.
>
> As far as "all those folks running around" state above, it is the
life we
> chose. It is work to make sure that you are paying attention to what
each
> child's experiences are each day, to be watchful for their
individual tastes
> and needs, while you are tending the whole group. This may be more
work than
> a family with one or two kids, but that doesn't matter. You may have to
> expand yourself beyond what others do, but it's just your job. The
question
> of "how do you handle ru..." makes me think that you are "handling"
things
> rather than living life happily. Can you think of this very active
time as
> enjoyable? I think that would make a big difference.
>
> I have felt very s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d with the activity of our lives at
times,
> but then I remember it is just a feeling. It can be released like every
> other feeling so that I can be completely present in this moment with
> whomever I am with, in joy.
>
> My kids are older now and I rather be with them than anyone else in the
> world. I SO enjoy being with them.
>
>
> I wanted to share more about this but have to go. This was certainly
long
> enough!
>
> Jacki, off to sleep in a house where 3 are already asleep, 1 is
about to be
> asleep (me), and 3 will be active for a while longer...
>

Sandra Dodd

On Mar 28, 2006, at 12:40 AM, Gold Standard wrote:

> -=-The question
> of "how do you handle ru..." makes me think that you are "handling"
> things
> rather than living life happily. Can you think of this very active
> time as
> enjoyable? I think that would make a big difference.-=-


That's a really good point.

I was washing dishes and feeling content, and remembering times years
ago when washing dishes could make me agitated and frustrated. But I
started being aware of my thoughts and attitudes and found that I
could choose what to think.

People whose thoughts wash over them, as mine did when I was young,
like to think they have no choice, that they ARE unhappy. My dad
told me, when I was a teen, that I could choose to be happy. I wish
I had said "What do you mean?" and let him talk to me for a while,
instead of bursting into tears and saying "That's STUPID" and running
to my room.

(I am, as usual, not talking about the first post or the issue
originally brought up, but something connected, as all things are.)

I was thinking how glad I was (this morning) to have enough spoons
that we wouldn't run out of clean ones if I waited until morning to
do the dishes. I thought that I was glad we still had the plastic
cup Kirby likes so much from when he was little, that he still
chooses first, at the age of 19. I like the enamelled steel
casserole dish we've had for over 20 years, that I got at the grocery
store at one of those promotions where a different baking piece is on
sale each week. I think we paid $7 or $8 for it. I use it ever
week. We have two smaller bowls that match it, which can be used to
bake bread in, or as serving bowls. And we have a skillet with a
lid. They have flowers on the sides. We couldn't afford
everything they had in that series, and we sacrificed to get those we
got, because we were young and all that. Tomorrow is our 21st
wedding anniversary, and we were together six years before that. Now
we could afford a set of enamelware, but I couldn't buy something
that we'd had for 20 years.

Things you get at a grocery store now might seem sweet and peaceful
to you in twenty years.

I *could* also have thought mean and irritating thoughts this
morning. Kirby didn't rinse his milk glass. Someone else could have
done the dishes last night, but Marty went to bed early so he could
go to work early, and Kirby had a D&D game. Holly was excited about
some new photos she had taken of her newly-dyed hair, and was working
on MySpace. So I thought of what fun and fun they had had the night
before, while I cleaned the kitchen, while my tea was brewing.

It makes a big difference.

I'm sure some people think it's easy for me to say "calm" because my
kids are teens. But there are parents of three teens who spend a lot
of energy nagging, fighting, pressuring and punishing. We came to
this calm from conscious direction and work. And short of adoption
or remarriage, people don't suddenly have three teens. When Holly
was born, Kirby was five. Marty was three. I was already working on
being a gentle parent. If people take away the less gentle parts of
modern family life and replace them with more gentle choices, life is
more gentle already.

Sandra