Oh Boy - Where's my cave?
Marianne Pfister
OK, I think I jumped in here too fast and too deep. I have begun expression myself before I even got a chance to know anyone and failed to prepare myself for reader comments. The comments posted regarding my "insights" (ha) on screaming at my son over a dirty mirror, as well as the fact that I was "raised" and that I am "raising" my son, have definitely caught me off guard. First, I felt I should just crawl under a rock. Then I felt defensive and decided I would write a list of all those positive things I do with my son, and share it with the group. But, now that I caught my breath, I don't think either of those routes is the best one to take. So instead, I will just sit back listen to what people have to say for a while and see what I can benefit out of it.
~ Marianne
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~ Marianne
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Photos
Ring in the New Year with Photo Calendars. Add photos, events, holidays, whatever.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jan 1, 2006, at 8:48 AM, Marianne Pfister wrote:
beating yourself up for the bad choices you make to accepting that
you're flawed and that you will make mistakes.
I think what people were trying to point out, without coming out and
saying it, is that even better than those two choices is to, yes,
accept that we're all works in progress and then build up a picture
of where you'd like to head with who you are and your parenting. And
then, as Sandra suggested, each time before you act, give yourself
two choices and pick the one that moves you closer to where you want
to be. :-)
I think a lot of the times when people post about better ways to
handle something it comes across as a criticism and "the one right
way" that supposedly we perfect people who are posting would have
chosen. But that's not it. It's seeing a better choice and keeping
those in mind. We don't always make those better choices! But unless
we have a clear vision of what those better choices are it's even
harder to make them.
We're all still works in progress. But works in progress who are
working on our visions of where we'd like to be :-)
Joyce
Answers to common unschooling questions: http://home.earthlink.net/
~fetteroll/rejoycing/
Weekly writing prompts: list: UnschoolingWriters-
[email protected] and blog: http://
dragonwritingprompts.blogsome.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> OK, I think I jumped in here too fast and too deep.I know what you mean! It seems like a big positive step to move from
beating yourself up for the bad choices you make to accepting that
you're flawed and that you will make mistakes.
I think what people were trying to point out, without coming out and
saying it, is that even better than those two choices is to, yes,
accept that we're all works in progress and then build up a picture
of where you'd like to head with who you are and your parenting. And
then, as Sandra suggested, each time before you act, give yourself
two choices and pick the one that moves you closer to where you want
to be. :-)
I think a lot of the times when people post about better ways to
handle something it comes across as a criticism and "the one right
way" that supposedly we perfect people who are posting would have
chosen. But that's not it. It's seeing a better choice and keeping
those in mind. We don't always make those better choices! But unless
we have a clear vision of what those better choices are it's even
harder to make them.
We're all still works in progress. But works in progress who are
working on our visions of where we'd like to be :-)
Joyce
Answers to common unschooling questions: http://home.earthlink.net/
~fetteroll/rejoycing/
Weekly writing prompts: list: UnschoolingWriters-
[email protected] and blog: http://
dragonwritingprompts.blogsome.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 1, 2006, at 6:48 AM, Marianne Pfister wrote:
through periods of very-quietness. If it gets too still for you,
there are other unschooling lists you might want to join and read
(and maybe you already have) that are of a similar bent:
http://sandradodd.com/lists/other
and many "greatest hits" discussions and posts are collected here:
http://sandradodd.com/unschooling
http://sandradodd.com/life
Both of those have links (maybe once removed) to Joyce Fetteroll's
site which is easy to follow and really inspiring and encouraging.
Sandra
> -=-So instead, I will just sit back listen to what people have toYou're very welcome to hang out here, but I must say this list goes
> say for a while and see what I can benefit out of it. -=-
through periods of very-quietness. If it gets too still for you,
there are other unschooling lists you might want to join and read
(and maybe you already have) that are of a similar bent:
http://sandradodd.com/lists/other
and many "greatest hits" discussions and posts are collected here:
http://sandradodd.com/unschooling
http://sandradodd.com/life
Both of those have links (maybe once removed) to Joyce Fetteroll's
site which is easy to follow and really inspiring and encouraging.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
On Jan 1, 2006, at 8:45 AM, Joyce Fetteroll wrote:
http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/
There it is.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Answers to common unschooling questions: http://home.earthlink.net/That's not the link.
> ~fetteroll/rejoycing/
http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/
There it is.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Marianne Pfister
When I first started reading peoples responses to my initial emails I heard the emails yelling at me. That is how I read them. Now I see that no one was yelling. I am just used to it, as if it is normal. I remember a friend coming to my house one day after school. We were just stopping in on our way somewhere. After leaving, my friend asked me, "What were you and your mother yelling about?" I looked at her in surprise, "We weren't yelling."
At the start of my marriage my husband had a difficult time sometimes when I would get mad and yell. I didn't know what his problem was. Eventually, I was able to stop and think about it. There were triggers. I grew up with four brothers, and some times my husband would say something and it would sound like something one of them would say. The difference was, he was being loving and helpful, but my brothers were not. I don't yell at my husband anymore, because I know the triggers. Instantly, when he says something that brings me back into the past, I no longer see it coming from him, I see the face of one of my brothers and remember that I am past that. This was the most helpful change in my marriage. It saved it. My husband and I can now have discussions about things rather than arguments.
As for my son, I need to look for the face of my mother in his and know that times have changed. He is not her. He should not have to be the recipient of the hurt anger that comes from within my inner child.
It is true, I do not yell in public. I do not yell at my family, my husband, friends - only my son. And you are all right, he does not deserve it. He should not have to be the one stuck with my unresolved issues. He is only 5 and does not have the tools yet, where I do. We can learn together on this one.
Today I am going to go out and get some bathtub paint and some of that spray snow and we are doing some mirror art! Thanks for all of the great suggestions and for speaking so thoughtfully and openly.
Oh, and one other thing we are going to do today. We have an alligator farm nearby which is a really great place to go hang out. I have been telling my son that it is just too much money to keep up a yearly membership. My brother-in-law spends $10,000 per child, for private school, even kindergarten; and I ask myself, "What is the big deal if we spend $70 for a yearly pass to the zoo!?!" And yes we can afford it. (I gotta get over this craziness.)
Can you guess two of my New Year Resolutions? 1. Lighten up on the money. and 2. Stop yelling at my son.
~ Marianne
Marianne Pfister <allowinglife@...> wrote:
OK, I think I jumped in here too fast and too deep. I have begun expression myself before I even got a chance to know anyone and failed to prepare myself for reader comments. The comments posted regarding my "insights" (ha) on screaming at my son over a dirty mirror, as well as the fact that I was "raised" and that I am "raising" my son, have definitely caught me off guard. First, I felt I should just crawl under a rock. Then I felt defensive and decided I would write a list of all those positive things I do with my son, and share it with the group. But, now that I caught my breath, I don't think either of those routes is the best one to take. So instead, I will just sit back listen to what people have to say for a while and see what I can benefit out of it.
~ Marianne
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Photos
Ring in the New Year with Photo Calendars. Add photos, events, holidays, whatever.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
At the start of my marriage my husband had a difficult time sometimes when I would get mad and yell. I didn't know what his problem was. Eventually, I was able to stop and think about it. There were triggers. I grew up with four brothers, and some times my husband would say something and it would sound like something one of them would say. The difference was, he was being loving and helpful, but my brothers were not. I don't yell at my husband anymore, because I know the triggers. Instantly, when he says something that brings me back into the past, I no longer see it coming from him, I see the face of one of my brothers and remember that I am past that. This was the most helpful change in my marriage. It saved it. My husband and I can now have discussions about things rather than arguments.
As for my son, I need to look for the face of my mother in his and know that times have changed. He is not her. He should not have to be the recipient of the hurt anger that comes from within my inner child.
It is true, I do not yell in public. I do not yell at my family, my husband, friends - only my son. And you are all right, he does not deserve it. He should not have to be the one stuck with my unresolved issues. He is only 5 and does not have the tools yet, where I do. We can learn together on this one.
Today I am going to go out and get some bathtub paint and some of that spray snow and we are doing some mirror art! Thanks for all of the great suggestions and for speaking so thoughtfully and openly.
Oh, and one other thing we are going to do today. We have an alligator farm nearby which is a really great place to go hang out. I have been telling my son that it is just too much money to keep up a yearly membership. My brother-in-law spends $10,000 per child, for private school, even kindergarten; and I ask myself, "What is the big deal if we spend $70 for a yearly pass to the zoo!?!" And yes we can afford it. (I gotta get over this craziness.)
Can you guess two of my New Year Resolutions? 1. Lighten up on the money. and 2. Stop yelling at my son.
~ Marianne
Marianne Pfister <allowinglife@...> wrote:
OK, I think I jumped in here too fast and too deep. I have begun expression myself before I even got a chance to know anyone and failed to prepare myself for reader comments. The comments posted regarding my "insights" (ha) on screaming at my son over a dirty mirror, as well as the fact that I was "raised" and that I am "raising" my son, have definitely caught me off guard. First, I felt I should just crawl under a rock. Then I felt defensive and decided I would write a list of all those positive things I do with my son, and share it with the group. But, now that I caught my breath, I don't think either of those routes is the best one to take. So instead, I will just sit back listen to what people have to say for a while and see what I can benefit out of it.
~ Marianne
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Photos
Ring in the New Year with Photo Calendars. Add photos, events, holidays, whatever.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
multimomma
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and have spent years trying to drop the baggage.
It's not easy. When you're tired, stressed, sick, etc, baggage has a way to drop right back
on you! Online communication is tough anyway, because you don't get all the nonverbal
language for feedback, so one who is used to being criticized or yelled at interprets that
language as demeaning. i have the same problem, and sometimes am too sensitive to
what is said to me online. onward and upward....
My hubby and I grew up dirt poor, and I didn't realize how much it was affecting my son
until one day we were at sonic and I asked him what he wanted to eat...and his response
was "whatever's cheapest". It broke my heart. And let me know how much that poor stuff
was buried in my subconcious. I mean, we're not rolling in dough, but 50 cents on the
difference between a burger and a hot dog won't break the bank LOL! But rather than
instilling the principal of making conscientious purchases, we made the rule of don't buy
anything you want. (see, I'm trying to internalize already the difference) That's something
we're still working on, because there are many times when we can afford it, and
sometimes when we can't.
On the yelling, what I consciously did when my oldest was born was decide to do
everything opposite as my mother. It's made a world of difference, and only taken ten
years to get to the point where I can say my mom did give us a few good times, and to
forgive her the bad ones.
A quote that I have on my office wall says "It is the worst form of immaturity to allow one's
feelings and desires to control life". When I found that, it really underlined what my
problem was. I still yell sometimes. But I count it as a learning lesson. I choose to
apologize to my kids, rather than make excuses for why I did it. They understand that
mom is still working through her childhood and she didn't get the chance to learn how to
make good choices. So we're all learning together. Let me tell you, they really are quite
astute at recognizing the things I hide from myself. :P
Melissa
It's not easy. When you're tired, stressed, sick, etc, baggage has a way to drop right back
on you! Online communication is tough anyway, because you don't get all the nonverbal
language for feedback, so one who is used to being criticized or yelled at interprets that
language as demeaning. i have the same problem, and sometimes am too sensitive to
what is said to me online. onward and upward....
My hubby and I grew up dirt poor, and I didn't realize how much it was affecting my son
until one day we were at sonic and I asked him what he wanted to eat...and his response
was "whatever's cheapest". It broke my heart. And let me know how much that poor stuff
was buried in my subconcious. I mean, we're not rolling in dough, but 50 cents on the
difference between a burger and a hot dog won't break the bank LOL! But rather than
instilling the principal of making conscientious purchases, we made the rule of don't buy
anything you want. (see, I'm trying to internalize already the difference) That's something
we're still working on, because there are many times when we can afford it, and
sometimes when we can't.
On the yelling, what I consciously did when my oldest was born was decide to do
everything opposite as my mother. It's made a world of difference, and only taken ten
years to get to the point where I can say my mom did give us a few good times, and to
forgive her the bad ones.
A quote that I have on my office wall says "It is the worst form of immaturity to allow one's
feelings and desires to control life". When I found that, it really underlined what my
problem was. I still yell sometimes. But I count it as a learning lesson. I choose to
apologize to my kids, rather than make excuses for why I did it. They understand that
mom is still working through her childhood and she didn't get the chance to learn how to
make good choices. So we're all learning together. Let me tell you, they really are quite
astute at recognizing the things I hide from myself. :P
Melissa
--- In [email protected], Marianne Pfister <allowinglife@y...> wrote: