Food Freedoms

This will be improved and expanded, but for now it's the quickie introduction to the idea that if children are allowed to turn foods down, they're not forced to eat, and they're given choices, they will come to choose good foods, know when they're hungry and when they're not, and actually learn to listen to their bodies and know what they need.

This is such a departure from tradition in our culture that it seems altogether wrong, at first.

I didn't think it up. My first exposure was an article in Mothering magazine when Kirby was a baby, so that would have been 1986 or so. It said when toddlers are given a full range of food to choose from, they choose a balanced diet. Or that's what I remember from the article anyway. (If that's online and anyone knows what/where it is, I'd be glad to link it!)

Because of La Leche League and natural weaning, and the idea that children will reach for food when they want some, so you don't have to schedule and spoon it into them, it was easy for me to see the smallest seedling-root beginnings of how our culture creates the eating disorders they bemoan. Letting kids decide what THEY think is good and bad, instead of labelling things good and bad in advance for them, allows a child to think spinach is wonderful but donuts are kinda yucky.

Without choices, they can't make choices. Without choices they can't make good choices OR bad choices. In too many people's minds, "good" is eating what parents say when parents say (where and how and why parents say). That doesn't promote thought, self awareness, good judgment or any other good thing.

Food is for health and sustenance. Eating with other people can be a social situation, ranging (on the good end) from ceremonial to obligatory to courtesy. There's no sense making it hostile or punitive.

As with other magical sacrifices some people make to become "good parents," some parents prohibit sugar. I've seen very bad things come of that. And as magic, it doesn't work any better than the magical sacrifice of plastic toys, or of TV, or of video games, or of wearing clothes with logos on them. Those are lame attempts at magically assuring that a child will be peaceful or healthy or creative. What they tend more often to do is give children reason to be sneaky, and depending on the parental presentation or justification of the restrictions, can help the child learn early on that the parents aren't as bright as they would like.

I was one of those moms, thinking I was being a good mom by restricting television and sugary things. I was pretty strict on it for about 18 months or so, until ds was around 6 I think. I was one of these moms that didn't deny the children sugar and television when out of the house and around others though.

That time in our life is a big part of why I eventually found unschooling. I think it can be that last step for some from homeschooling to unschooling. I was seeing and living what I was reading about denial on these new-to-me unschool lists.

The last straw on these restrictions, after other smaller things happening, was being at a homeschool outing and ds, stashing all the candy he was offered away like a little squirrel and hiding it. I only learned of it because another little boy was complaining to his mother aloud about my son doing this! It really hit me how this behavior, from my restrictions, was affecting how he was with other children and people and in turn how negatively they were reacting to it and him. My supposed good parenting definitely wasn't working the way it was supposed to.

Dawn, on the Always Learning list, in a thread called food again:

We have a little daughter who we adopted at 3 1/2 that is now almost 6. She came from a history of severe neglect and malnutrition. She came home with a tummy full of parasites, and an appetite that seemed to never quit. We treated the parasites, but doing so could not treat her underlying fears around food. Fears that she would never have "enough". She also seemed to have no "off" button and would eat until she couldn't move, or until she vomited. She also panicked if one of her siblings was eating and she wasn't. If we went anywhere, her first questions were always about when and where she would eat.

Two and a half years later and she is NOT the same kid in regards to food. Yes, she gained a lot of weight, but she is healthy and active and is just now leveling off.

I think what's most important, is for you to address your own fears behind your child's eating. For me, my daughter's eating brought up a lot of my own fears from my childhood and mealtimes. I realized at one point, that it was better for me to set her food in front of her, smile at her, and calmly leave the room than to stay with her. She was picking up on my anxiousness and it was making her more anxious. I allowed her to eat in peace, without me hovering over her with MY fears.

We stopped regulating her eating at all. I let her eat what she wanted when she wanted. I also made sure that I was filling her "love tank" constantly. I wanted her to associate filling up with love to get rid of her feelings of "emptiness". We kept finger foods handy in a cupboard where she could reach them at anytime. We told her it was "ok" to be full and that she could eat HER foods anytime she wanted. We told her over and over that there would "always be food". She would often go to the cupboard just to open it and see if there was food still in there.

It broke my heart, but we stayed consistent and loving.

Today she is healthy and her eating issues are mostly a thing of the past. I still remember the first time she left food on her plate and walked away. I cried. :) I knew she had reached a place of some healing. She now regularly "forgets" to eat or chooses to eat later when she is busy playing. She leaves food if she is full. She still loves to eat and still worries some, but she trusts me to care for her now and is not obsessed with food as she once was.

This reminded me of someone else I know. This teenage girl is kind of a bigger person—tall, broad shouldered, normal weight. Her mother is tall, too, but very thin. Her parents are very very controlling. To the point that the mother controls exactly what food goes into her mouth. I mean - when the girl is eating, the mother is watching and counting the bites. When the girl asks for more, the mother gives her a lecture about eating too much. She refers to her as a "chowhound."

The girl really does think about food all the time. We went on a trip together and when the itinerary was being planned, she was always really panicky if it didn't include exactly when and where we were going to eat. She could hardly think about what else there was to do if the eating plans weren't settled first. When she's serving herself food, she does it with one eye on her mother, who indicates when she should stop. She constantly asks for more and her mother sometimes gives in and sometimes doesn't. She always says things like, "You don't need more," or "If you must, you can have one more and that's all." When we were traveling together, the mother commented several times on how much my girls eat. My girls are in good shape—they're very healthy and not overweight or underweight. We were at a buffet and the mom stayed right with her daughter and told her, "One biscuit only. And you must have some fruit with it." Stuff like that. My kids just picked out whatever they wanted to eat, and the mom commented on their choices not being "balanced." Rosie likes potatoes a lot - she had french fries and hash browns, both. Plus a bagel. The mom said something like, "I see you're having a whole meal of carbs." Her daughter constantly asks for more and absolutely always wants dessert. My kids seldom have dessert after a meal, they have sweets whenever they want them, but right after eating isn't usually one of those times. We had a birthday party here last weekend and had a really delicious huge cake—and half of it was left. It sat here for 3 days with little plates and forks and a cake knife right at hand, and the kids never touched it. They'd had enough at the party and didn't feel like having more cake. For her, right after a meal is one of the few time her mom will allow it (because she's just had healthy foods, first), so she almost never fails to have dessert. I wonder, when she goes off to college next year, how she'll handle her food issues.

At the main food page, see what others have to say about their experimentations and successes at removing their food-rules.

So—I'm not surprised that a kid who has been deprived of food seems to have a desperation about it - but it is interesting to observe some of the same behaviors when the child feels deprived but is actually getting enough food to be healthy as well as when they are truly being undernourished.