Nanci Kuykendall

Okay, so I don't like the use of UN to describe my
life in all facets. I don't even like the term
Unschooling. I would rather be defined by what I/we
do than by what we do not. Unfooding is not even
accuarate (as someone pointed out) and neither is
Unbedding, although DeRegulating might be, but is
still a negative. So I will just use the terms
Natural Living and Natural Learning, and the concept
of Freedom within the family.

<< But what do you do when they are real miserable and
it's obvious it's because they didn't get enough
sleep? >>

There are plenty of adults that are like this too, who
don't get enough sleep regularly, and what do you do
with them aside from put up with their miserablness
and MAYBE gently suggest that they get more sleep?

But with my kids, I find that they often just do not
want to go to sleep alone. My oldest in particular,
is not able to go to sleep in a room where other
activities are taking place, even if the other
activities are just me using the computer or talking
to anyone, but needs to have someone in bed with him.
If I am reading silently in bed (he goes to sleep in
my bed) or knitting, or reading to him or something
like that, he can go to sleep. It doesn't take long
usually. Less light helps.

However, you do have to be willing to stop what you
are doing and take 30 minutes (or more or less) to put
them down when they are asking you to. Kids do not
often use words to ask for this kind of thing. They
try to show you by their actions what they need. The
younger they are, the less able they are to even
recognize and articulate their feelings and needs.
You will know by their actions that they are ready to
go to bed, and that they want you to help them get
there. This is typical kid behavior. They are
constantly reaching out to the adults around them
wanting to be understood, supported, sometimes even
wanting to be argued with just so they know you are
paying attention and care enough to take a stand about
their welfare. You have to read your kids behavior
and be available to help them settle into sleep. Some
day they will be able to do it on their own (like we
do) but right now they need us (generally, there are
always exceptions.)

Generally both my kids fall asleep in my bed (or my
youngest sometimes requests his own bed after he lies
with me long enough to get sleepy) and then we move
them to their own beds after they are asleep. They
are welcome to come back if they have bad dreams or
whatever wakes them up, but none of us sleep well when
we are all crammed into one bed all night. They
usually come tumbling sleepily into our bed in the
morning for a cuddle before they start their day as
well, particularly my youngest, who usually asks for
his own bed at night.

>Tickling and teasing probably have never helped a
>miserable person ever.

I agree. I think it is a totally different situation
for kids to be teasted by adults, because they are not
on equal footing. It is like that uncomfortable
feeling you get when you are teased by your boss or
another authority figure. Kids are dependent on
adults, adults are bigger and in control of the world.
They intimidate kids. Kids have to work up the nerve
as they grow older to tease back without fear.
Teasing an out of sorts kid just adds humiliation to
the bargain.

>Kids learn to regulate themselves from failures to do
>so, not from the words of other people.

This is I think the biggest mistake that people make
in raising kids: never letting them make their own
mistakes. For example with this food issue, when I
was letting go more about food (which was a long
process because of my older sons many dangerous
allergies, and he had to be old enough to know caution
about what he put in his mouth) I recall a incident.
My younger son, just barely three, had a bag of gummy
worms, and he decided to eat the whole thing. After
that, he threw up. Now he remembers and doesn't go
overboard with sweets, although he has as much of a
sweet tooth as ever. He is more inclined to ask for
tunafish, carrots, a banana, a grilled cheese
sandwich, before sweets, and he paces himself and
doesn't eat too many sweets. Now if only his brother
would OD on sweets and learn the same lesson, but he
seems to have unlimited capacity to live on nothing
but sugar. :-/ lol

<<And finally, my three year old has been asking to
sleep with me. >>

Sandra had good suggestions about this. I will also
add a couple. Can you put your mattress set on the
floor and put addditional ones around for the kids?
What about a family snuggle or cozy place (as someone
suggested - forgive me but I am on digest and
sometimes forget authors unless I cut and paste) where
the whole family is free to snuggle down at bedtime,
and then you disperse the kids to their own places
after they drift off?

Nanci K.