Lisa Breger

Hi all,

It has been 5 months now since we changed from structred school at home to unschooling. The academic implications of this decision have been easy to adjust to; it is the extension of this philosophy into our every day life that is causing me concern.

I now allow my kids complete access to TV. The problem is with my 7 year old son. He has hardly come away from the TV for the past 5 months. My expectations are reasonable; I think he would naturally want to watch TV if there is nothing more interesting to do. But, I have exhausted my creative abilities in finding things that interest him. I have taken the advice to do what interests me and the other kids, and still, he cannot pull himself away form the tv. He no longer wants me to read to him. He absolutely refuses. His personality is changing. He has always been more intense than his sisters, but now he is completely unable to handle any stress or frustration. He may run upstairs for a snack and find that his 2 year old sister has moved his booster seat to another chair at the table, and break into a screaming fit, teeth clenched, hands fisted, veins in neck extended. This is just one example of mild stress that he cannot handle. I cannot take him out often. He is So extremely sensitive to the feel of clothes on his skin that NOTHING is comfortable. So if it is a place that accepts no shirts, we are OK!

At first I told myself he will learn from all he is experiencing; he will learn to take food when offered, so he won't become famished before breaking away from the tv for nourishment. (I do now let him eat at the tv) I told myself he will become weak from lack of movement, and will naturally crave exercise or activity. Has not happened.

I try to join him at the tv when I can. I have a 14 year old daughter with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome who is ill in bed and needs some attention, and then the two year old who naturally demands attention, and a 10 year old girl. So it is difficult to find the time to join him alone. If I join him with the others, he cannot handle the noise or distractuion of the two year old.

I'd love to hear how others have handled similar situations. I want this to work. I even believe it can, but we have to work through the rough patches. I believe the rough patches are where the discoveries and learning happen. My biggest worry is wondering if having siblings that need my attention will hinder the process.

Any advice or opinions will be appreciated!

Thanks,

Lisa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

<<But, I have exhausted my creative abilities in finding things that
interest him. I have taken the advice to do what interests me and the
other kids, and still, he cannot pull himself away form the tv.>>

I get the message, through your post, that you fret over his lack of
interaction away from the TV a lot. This probably means that he is
getting the message as well. It sounds as though he is asserting his
independence and right to choose via the TV by making a choice he knows
you don't like.

My guess is that he would find other things more interested if he knew
you were not going to urge him to do so, no matter how subtilely.
Letting go of things like this, in my opinion, is the hardest part of
unschooling for parents. However, when you do let go it opens up a whole
new world for the entire family.

Lanora resisted spelling and handwriting for a LONG time and it was due
to my fretting over them. When I stopped, truly stopped (not even
fretting silently) she was free to explore them without my fingers on her
back. She mastered them so fast it made my head spin and I wasn't
pleased because she knew them, I was pleased because she was enjoying it
so much.

Kris

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Sharon Rudd

Do you have a VCR....and some NEW (to him) video
movies? Libraries have some...let him pick...you could
put some more on the stack. You have to get out of
the house to GO GET THEM and to TAKE THEM BACK and
GET MORE.

Sharon of the Swamp

he cannot pull himself away
> form the tv.>>
>

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In a message dated 7/29/02 3:22:24 PM, lisa@... writes:

<< If it happened once in a while, I could understand - it's just life with
four kids. But it happens ALL the time. >>

I bet it doesn't. Not ALL the time. More than you'd like, but if you look
at what you are doing well and what is working instead of what seems like the
huge mass of confusion and frustration you can make progress.

If you take a step it doesn't help to say "I have 900,000 steps more to take
and the last three haven't been so big." Just take your best step.

Sandra

Sharon Rudd

Sensitivity to clothing doesn't have anything to do
with TV. There is something else going on (wouldn't it
be nice if it were only the wrong detergent!).

Is he really really tiny? Or do you have really big
chairs and high table? Why does he need a booster
seat? Or does he want it, just 'cause it is his. Like
a bowl with pictures in it, just keeping something
from when he was little and had most of the attention?

Is there some way you can put more stuff in one room?
Like the TV in the room were you (like to) eat....so
you can see him and everybody else and cook, too?
Lotta steps to run up and down and back and forth to
keep track of everyone....and you do gotta do that,
dontchaknow. Lotta stuff a 7yo DS can think of when
you think he is only watching TV.

You used to NOT allow anyone to eat while watching TV?
My DH used to have that disorder, too. I don't think
he will ever fully recover. However popcorn and
Western flicks have helped in the transitional stages.
He still has to allow others to be interested in
subject matter that has no interest to him.

Is DD getting out of bed sometimes, now? Is DS
retreating some partly becuase he is worried about his
sister?

How's YOUR health?

Gotta go...my DS wants a turn on the 'puter....

Sharon of the Swamp


--- Lisa Breger <lisa@...> wrote:
> Hi all,
>
> It has been 5 months now since we changed from
> structred school at home to unschooling. The
> academic implications of this decision have been
> easy to adjust to; it is the extension of this
> philosophy into our every day life that is causing
> me concern.
>
> I now allow my kids complete access to TV. The
> problem is with my 7 year old son. He has hardly
> come away from the TV for the past 5 months. My
> expectations are reasonable; I think he would
> naturally want to watch TV if there is nothing more
> interesting to do. But, I have exhausted my
> creative abilities in finding things that interest
> him. I have taken the advice to do what interests
> me and the other kids, and still, he cannot pull
> himself away form the tv. He no longer wants me to
> read to him. He absolutely refuses. His
> personality is changing. He has always been more
> intense than his sisters, but now he is completely
> unable to handle any stress or frustration. He may
> run upstairs for a snack and find that his 2 year
> old sister has moved his booster seat to another
> chair at the table, and break into a screaming fit,
> teeth clenched, hands fisted, veins in neck
> extended. This is just one example of mild stress
> that he cannot handle. I cannot take him out often.
> He is So extremely sensitive to the feel of clothes
> on his skin that NOTHING is comfortable. So if it
> is a place that accepts no shirts, we are OK!
>
> At first I told myself he will learn from all he is
> experiencing; he will learn to take food when
> offered, so he won't become famished before breaking
> away from the tv for nourishment. (I do now let him
> eat at the tv) I told myself he will become weak
> from lack of movement, and will naturally crave
> exercise or activity. Has not happened.
>
> I try to join him at the tv when I can. I have a 14
> year old daughter with fibromyalgia and chronic
> fatigue syndrome who is ill in bed and needs some
> attention, and then the two year old who naturally
> demands attention, and a 10 year old girl. So it is
> difficult to find the time to join him alone. If I
> join him with the others, he cannot handle the
> noise or distractuion of the two year old.
>
> I'd love to hear how others have handled similar
> situations. I want this to work. I even believe it
> can, but we have to work through the rough patches.
> I believe the rough patches are where the
> discoveries and learning happen. My biggest worry
> is wondering if having siblings that need my
> attention will hinder the process.
>
> Any advice or opinions will be appreciated!
>
> Thanks,
>
> Lisa
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>


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Lisa Breger

<<It sounds as though he is asserting his independence and right to choose via the TV by making a choice he knows you don't like.>>

I trust that eventually Adam will come away from the TV at times, after I let go of my fears and subtle coercion. But what I am most worried about is his change in personality, or the intensity of his personality. I noticed it after he started watching so continuously. It is not the TV watching I object to; it is the effect it has on his personality, and his lack of interest in other areas.

<<She mastered them so fast it made my head spin and I wasn't
pleased because she knew them, I was pleased because she was enjoying it so much.>>

I love this statement! I'm fairly new to unschooling, but already my attitude has changed a lot towards this direction.

<<Do you have a VCR....and some NEW (to him) video
movies? Libraries have some...let him pick...you could
put some more on the stack. You have to get out of
the house to GO GET THEM and to TAKE THEM BACK and
GET MORE.>>

Yes, if only we could get past the clothing sensitivity issue. At first I thought I lucked out with a boy, saving money on his wardrobe as compared to his sisters. I've probably spent twice as much on him, trying to find comfortable clothes. Right now he can wear Target bathing suits; I guess the mesh lining is soft enough. (It has to be the small mesh, though) That's all. Haven't found a shirt he can tolerate, besides the one tie dyed his two older sisters have gone through and passed down. I buy used so it's softer, but it is still difficult. I've tried turning them inside out..nothing helps.

<<You could have taken just a moment to hug him...>>

Oh, I did! He is my most snuggly child. Now though, most snuggles take place first thing in the morning, or in front of the TV. But they're still great!

<<If you take a step it doesn't help to say "I have 900,000 steps more to take and the last three haven't been so big." Just take your best step.>>

I guess that is what I have to do, and trust things will eventually even out.

Tonight he asked me to use the computer with him...Clue Finders. He was frustrated at the dialogue when he was ready to continue. He blurted out "shut up!" at the computer, a phrase he has NEVER used previously. So, do I just assume some violence and negativity will be witnessed while watching TV, and this could be a good thing because it brings the issue to the forefront to be discussed? In other words, instead of sheltering him, he sees things and we talk about it? I want him to have choices in what he watches, not only when he watches. Maybe I'll let him watch upstairs with the rest of the family at least some of the time, so I can be there to observe. I just hate the 2 year old being enticed by it all the time when there are so many other interesting things she might choose. Maybe she'll still choose them!

Yes, Tiffany is still in bed. We see a new doc in a week...hoping he knows SOMETHING more than the ones we have already seen.

Thanks for the help.

Lisa







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

kayb85

I bet a good classical homeopath would be able to help him with his
clothing sensitivity.
Sheila

> Yes, if only we could get past the clothing sensitivity issue. At
first I thought I lucked out with a boy, saving money on his wardrobe
as compared to his sisters. I've probably spent twice as much on
him, trying to find comfortable clothes. Right now he can wear
Target bathing suits; I guess the mesh lining is soft enough. (It has
to be the small mesh, though) That's all. Haven't found a shirt he
can tolerate, besides the one tie dyed his two older sisters have
gone through and passed down. I buy used so it's softer, but it is
still difficult. I've tried turning them inside out..nothing helps.

kayb85

I bet a good classical homeopath would be able to help him with his
clothing sensitivity.
Sheila

> Yes, if only we could get past the clothing sensitivity issue. At
first I thought I lucked out with a boy, saving money on his wardrobe
as compared to his sisters. I've probably spent twice as much on
him, trying to find comfortable clothes. Right now he can wear
Target bathing suits; I guess the mesh lining is soft enough. (It has
to be the small mesh, though) That's all. Haven't found a shirt he
can tolerate, besides the one tie dyed his two older sisters have
gone through and passed down. I buy used so it's softer, but it is
still difficult. I've tried turning them inside out..nothing helps.

kayb85

I bet a good classical homeopath would be able to help him with his
clothing sensitivity.
Sheila

> Yes, if only we could get past the clothing sensitivity issue. At
first I thought I lucked out with a boy, saving money on his wardrobe
as compared to his sisters. I've probably spent twice as much on
him, trying to find comfortable clothes. Right now he can wear
Target bathing suits; I guess the mesh lining is soft enough. (It has
to be the small mesh, though) That's all. Haven't found a shirt he
can tolerate, besides the one tie dyed his two older sisters have
gone through and passed down. I buy used so it's softer, but it is
still difficult. I've tried turning them inside out..nothing helps.

kayb85

I bet a good classical homeopath would be able to help him with his
clothing sensitivity.
Sheila

> Yes, if only we could get past the clothing sensitivity issue. At
first I thought I lucked out with a boy, saving money on his wardrobe
as compared to his sisters. I've probably spent twice as much on
him, trying to find comfortable clothes. Right now he can wear
Target bathing suits; I guess the mesh lining is soft enough. (It has
to be the small mesh, though) That's all. Haven't found a shirt he
can tolerate, besides the one tie dyed his two older sisters have
gone through and passed down. I buy used so it's softer, but it is
still difficult. I've tried turning them inside out..nothing helps.

kayb85

I bet a good classical homeopath would be able to help him with his
clothing sensitivity.
Sheila

> Yes, if only we could get past the clothing sensitivity issue. At
first I thought I lucked out with a boy, saving money on his wardrobe
as compared to his sisters. I've probably spent twice as much on
him, trying to find comfortable clothes. Right now he can wear
Target bathing suits; I guess the mesh lining is soft enough. (It has
to be the small mesh, though) That's all. Haven't found a shirt he
can tolerate, besides the one tie dyed his two older sisters have
gone through and passed down. I buy used so it's softer, but it is
still difficult. I've tried turning them inside out..nothing helps.

Lisa Breger

<<I bet a good classical homeopath would be able to help him with his clothing sensitivity.>>

We do use one for his allergies. I never thought to ask about this, though. Thanks.
Lisa







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Shelly G

--- Lisa Breger <lisa@...> wrote:
> I now allow my kids complete access to TV. The
> problem is with my 7 year old son. He has hardly
> come away from the TV for the past 5 months. My
> expectations are reasonable; I think he would
> naturally want to watch TV if there is nothing more
> interesting to do. But, I have exhausted my
> creative abilities in finding things that interest
> him. I have taken the advice to do what interests
> me and the other kids, and still, he cannot pull
> himself away form the tv.

Lisa, my older son, when we first began unschooling,
watched an unbelievable amount of TV and spent an
enormous amount of time being semi-inanimate :)

My suggestion ... and what worked for my son ... is to
get him out of the house. There's no TV at the art
museum, the beach, the library, the zoo, the aquarium,
the park, or lots of other places. My son Andrew
really needed a change in environment to "jump-start"
some of his interests. Andrew is 12, and my younger
son Will is almost two, so it can sometimes be hard to
find places that are fun for both of them, but not
impossible.

I've never personally heard of a kid who spent their
entire childhood doing nothing but watching TV. I
doubt your son will end up being the first :) But ...
TV's not all bad, in my opinion. My son still watches
more TV than I would personally choose for him, but he
actually learns quite a bit from TV.

He's very mechanically inclined, and learns a lot from
Junkyard Wars that he applies to projects that he's
working on. We just got two new puppies, and he's been
learning about dog training on Animal Planet. He knows
all about Macchu Picchu (I'm sure I blew the spelling
on that one ...) from a special on Discovery Channel.

Good luck to you! I'm sure it'll all work out, and,
left to explore their own interests in their own time,
your children will learn.

Shelly


=====
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever does." -- Margaret Mead

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Lisa,
Seven is very little. They forget to eat until they're too hungry and
worn out. Make him snacks when he's glued to something good and take
them to him and see that he gets something in him. It will help. His
personality is probably not changing, he's probably just worn out and
needs a little extra attention from you to make sure he's getting enough
to eat. Honestly they forget to eat, and don't understand they're
feeling crabby and miserable because they need food.

Did you go from a house where TV was very limited or forbidden to this
new unschooling freedom? If so you'll have a process like deschooling.
Someone who wanted to watch TV but couldn't will watch a lot once they
can.

Also, when there is something difficult going on in a family ( a sibling
with fibromyalgia ) a well kid can get lost. My son watched a lot of TV
when I was taking care of my dying father. Sometimes that escape was
really what he needed. Sometimes life in our house was just so sad he
needed to get away and TV took him where he needed to go. I'm glad it
was there for him to use when he needed it.

Go places. Take him away yourself if you can. Go out for a picnic every
weekend. Go to the park one or two days a week. Go see a friend or a
Grandma or the guy at the rock shop. Go swimming, ride your bikes, or
what ever. If he sees lots of things and places he'll know some of his
own world is just as interesting as the worlds on TV. Get a trampoline
( man, I should get paid for promoting these things) no one can think of
anything else when there's a trampoline in the yard. Watch out, your
home owners insurance will go up!

What does he like to watch? Can you link what he's watching to an
activity outside the house? Can you go to a Nature Center or toy store
or whatever that has a tie in to what he's really liking on TV?

Maybe you can find someone who will come and visit with your 14yo while
you take the other kids out. I know she's stuck there but she's also old
enough to understand the little kids are stuck too, unless you can take
them away. Find a friend who will come and visit her and get out as much
as you can.

If his world is a sick sister and a worried and stressed mom he's going
to look for a more interesting one on TV. And I'll bet, from his
perspective your personality changed a lot when his sister went to bed
and didn't get up. I wouldn't be so quick to blame TV when there are
other serious family factors.

I worried a lot about my little guy when I was taking care of my dad.
Just a few months after my dad died my father in law was very ill and we
were taking care of him. He died only seven months after my dad and I
wondered if my little son would ever be able to sort through it all. But
he did and he's wonderful. Still you have to make an effort to get
friends over and get out and let him know he's just as important as the
sick person.
I know it's not easy.

Deb L

[email protected]

This stuf will help!

In a message dated 7/30/02 6:53:25 AM, ddzimlew@... writes:

<< Go places. Take him away yourself if you can. Go out for a picnic every
weekend. Go to the park one or two days a week. Go see a friend or a
Grandma or the guy at the rock shop. Go swimming, ride your bikes, or
what ever. If he sees lots of things and places he'll know some of his
own world is just as interesting as the worlds on TV. >>

Invite other kids over, too.

Holly's toys are all new when another kid sees them that way.

Marty can just sit and watch TV (seems to be "just sitting" from the outside)
but when he has company they play games or roller blade or joke and wrestle
and play with the dog.

But around the strategies to give him opportunities, don't forget to support
him instead of criticizing him. Maybe he is learning a gigantic amount from
what he's watching and what he's thinking, and your idea for how his life
should be isn't necessarily better than HIS idea.



Sandra

[email protected]

> It is not the TV watching I object to; it is the effect it has on his
personality, and >his lack of interest in other areas.

Lisa, I would really think about this. I'm thinking personality changes
have way more to do with how one feels physically and emotionally and NOT
what one is seeing on TV.
What is he watching? If it's troubling then he needs help from you to
understand. If it's scary then he needs reassurance from you to feel
safe.

>Maybe I'll let him watch upstairs with the rest of the family at least
some of the >time, so I can be there to observe.

This probably isn't the case but I'm thinking dark and lonely basement.
That's horrible.
YES bring him upstairs and let him watch where's he's close to all the
lively action of the two year old and where he can ask questions and
where YOU can hear the TV and stop by and say "Well, that guy sounds
mean, why would he say that?" Or whatever. And where you can have a
better idea of when he needs something to eat, or a hug or whatever he
needs. My husband sometimes shoots peanuts or popcorn into my son's
mouth from across the room. This can be a funny and wiggly break from a
long TV session. It's better if you have a dog or two who will gobble
up the misses. He also comes in with the squirt gun sometimes and
THAT's some physical activity for you! Maybe there's not another list
in the world that will tell you to shoot your child ...Just be ready for
the retaliation. ( I have banned the super soaker from the house. Man,
there's a lot of water in those things! )

>We do use one for his allergies.

If he has allergies maybe they're not under control as well as you think
and he's feeling yucky and that's why he's acting crabby.
Also, two year olds make grown up loving moms feel crabby sometimes, that
doesn't mean moms personality is changing. I say SHUT UP to the
computer every day. I even smacked it this morning. ( I hurt my hand! )
I don't watch much TV. At least not in the summer.

My son likes to sleep with us. He especially likes it when there's been
a lot of activity and we maybe haven't had as much close and snuggly time
as he usually gets. Maybe you could tell him you've been missing him and
see if he'd like to sleep with you?? You'll have to get used to having
feet in your hair but if you have a two year old you most likely already
are.

Deb L, off with brilliant son for more digging and crystal finding.
We're looking for special stones for a magic wand. We're going to have a
picnic and jump in the river just to say we did!

[email protected]

When my oldest son was young, he was very "high-strung". Everything seemed
to bother him. Things just had to be a certain way. His socks had to have
no seam across his toe, he would only wear sweat pants and cotton shorts with
soft elastic band and all the tags had to be cut out of his soft cotton
T-shirts. I don't think he wore jeans until he was 12 years old. He was (is)
such a perfectionist; he nearly drove me crazy!

Today he's 16. He is still a perfectionist but the clothes are no longer an
issue and he wears jeans most of the time.:)

Joy

[email protected]

In a message dated 7/30/02 8:02:02 AM, GSmith8995@... writes:

<< When my oldest son was young, he was very "high-strung". Everything
seemed
to bother him. Things just had to be a certain way. His socks had to have
no seam across his toe, he would only wear sweat pants and cotton shorts with
soft elastic band and all the tags had to be cut out of his soft cotton
T-shirts. I don't think he wore jeans until he was 12 years old. He was (is)
such a perfectionist; he nearly drove me crazy! >>

Kirby was the same way.

Now at 16 he wears nylon pants and camouflage pants that would bug the heck
out of me, no longer needs the tags cut out of his clothes (I still do, at
49; Holly does; Marty never has, he laughs at us), and can handle a lot of
change.

When he was little he didn't want rooms rearranged, dishes switched out, new
toothbrushes... Part of our clutter is he would accept a new thing as long as
the old one stayed too.

He still owns some of his childhood clothing because he's unwilling not to
have it.

But he's much easier-going than he used to be for SURE.

Sandra

mary krzyzanowski

Lisa,
Would your son wear mesh t-shirts?
Mary-NY


>From: GSmith8995@...
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Is this ever going to work???
>Date: Tue, 30 Jul 2002 10:01:31 EDT
>
>When my oldest son was young, he was very "high-strung". Everything seemed
>to bother him. Things just had to be a certain way. His socks had to have
>no seam across his toe, he would only wear sweat pants and cotton shorts
>with
>soft elastic band and all the tags had to be cut out of his soft cotton
>T-shirts. I don't think he wore jeans until he was 12 years old. He was
>(is)
>such a perfectionist; he nearly drove me crazy!
>
>Today he's 16. He is still a perfectionist but the clothes are no longer
>an
>issue and he wears jeans most of the time.:)
>
> Joy




_________________________________________________________________
Join the world�s largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.
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[email protected]

In a message dated 7/30/2002 6:39:15 AM Pacific Daylight Time,
ddzimlew@... writes:


> > It is not the TV watching I object to; it is the effect it has on his
> personality, and >his lack of interest in other areas.
>
> Lisa, I would really think about this. I'm thinking personality changes
> have way more to do with how one feels physically and emotionally and NOT
> what one is seeing on TV.

So - remember that what kids are choosing to do with their time is
information for you - TV is probably not at all "the cause" of the
personality stuff -- it may be encouraging him to act it out more openly,
aggressively though. But - you wouldn't want to just stifle that - you want
that information.

It sounds like he has other major stuff going on. Do you ever have time to
really just BE with him? Without distraction? Even if what you do is watch TV
together? My gut feeling reaction is that he is really really needing
support.

Read "The Explosive Child" -- you'll get a lot of great ideas there of how
you can support a kid who is difficult to live with.

--pam

National Home Education Network
http://www.NHEN.org
Changing the Way the World Sees Homeschooling!


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tia Leschke

>My husband sometimes shoots peanuts or popcorn into my son's
>mouth from across the room. This can be a funny and wiggly break from a
>long TV session. It's better if you have a dog or two who will gobble
>up the misses.

This made me laugh. Dh and ds have a routine that cracks me up. Rod sits
on the stairs, and Lars will toss a dog biscuit for him to catch in his
mouth. Rod then tosses it with his mouth to the dog, who catches and eats it.


>My son likes to sleep with us. He especially likes it when there's been
>a lot of activity and we maybe haven't had as much close and snuggly time
>as he usually gets. Maybe you could tell him you've been missing him and
>see if he'd like to sleep with you?? You'll have to get used to having
>feet in your hair but if you have a two year old you most likely already
>are.

Where but on this kind of list will you read advice to offer the kid a
place in your bed? Especially when the issue isn't about sleep. I love it.
Tia

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island

[email protected]

<<Where but on this kind of list will you read advice to offer the kid a
place in your bed? Especially when the issue isn't about sleep.>>

Danged if it isn't sappy, but so many things are fixed by closeness.

Deb L, back from digging and a visit to a ghost town and a little dip in
the river.

Lisa Breger

I have a lot to think about; no quick fixes I guess. Keep him well fed, homeopathy to help with the sensitivities, extra attention when possible and especially when the baby is not around to interfere. Focus on the great moments instead of the frustrating ones. Can't sleep with him in my bed though. Tiffany and Mariah sleep there with me, but I'll invite him to camp out on the floor, or put the baby on the futon for as long as she'll sleep there and have him in bed. My poor husband has spent more of our married life in a separate bed, making room for the kids to sleep with me. It's hard to imagine how we ended up with four children with these sleeping arrangements!

Nanci, our sons sound so similar! I'm still hoping Adam can learn to deal with his frustration and anger and obsession with TV, but if not I will have him checked out as you did with your son.

Thanks for all the detailed suggestions and comments. I love being here and have grown so much in ways I never dreamed possible just by listening in.

Lisa



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

kayb85

" My poor husband has spent more of our married life in a separate
bed, making room for the kids to sleep with me. It's hard to imagine
how we ended up with four children with these sleeping arrangements!"

Awwww....That's sweet of him, but that's got to be tough on both of
you. Maybe you could push a single bed right next to your bed so
that everyone can sleep together?

Sheila

[email protected]

<<I trust that eventually Adam will come away from the TV at times, after
I let go of my fears and subtle coercion. But what I am most worried
about is his change in personality, or the intensity of his personality.
I noticed it after he started watching so continuously. It is not the TV
watching I object to; it is the effect it has on his personality, and his
lack of interest in other areas.>>

When Jonathan first got his Nintendo and began to play the Zelda games
his personality became very intense and less aware of others around him.
He was impatient and hard to reason with. I got a LOT of advice from
friends and family about how I should limit his exposure, even cut it off
entirely. I listened to myself and what I've learned from other
unschoolers which was that, if allowed to find his own way, he would find
a balance on his own. It wasn't easy with others shaking their heads at
me and it felt like it would go on forever.

If I had tried to control it for him it would have become a power
struggle and who knows HOW long it would have gone on. Instead he found
his own balance, his behavior returned to peaceful and he realized that
the people around him were more fascinating and important. This took
about two months but I'm sure glad I stuck to my guns. Now he has gained
the skills to prioritize what he values.

Lisa, I'm impressed by how open you are to all the advice you've gotten
here, seems to me you're doing a great job, hang in there. Unschooling
can seem so far off the beaten track at times and it feels like you're
"way out there" but it proves itself every time for me.

Kris

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zenmomma *

>>have a lot to think about; no quick fixes I guess. Keep him well fed,
>>homeopathy to help with the sensitivities, extra attention when possible
>>and especially when the baby is not around to interfere.>>

I have another suggestion for the sensitivities-lots of big body movements.
Try reading the Out Of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz. In fact, here's a
website introduction if you're interested.
http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/introduction.html

I'd also suggest Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

My Casey was born without a filter to outside sensory stimulation. Well, it
*seemed* that way to me anyway. ;-) Let's just say she was extremely
sensitive to everything external-light, sound, texture. All of it bothered
her and produced an extreme reaction.

What seemed to help her (and me) most was lots of understanding, keeping the
environment from being too overwhelming for her if I could, and finding the
sensory input that help her integrate the best. This is not as compicated as
it sounds. Some kids seem to always be on their heads, some are always
swinging or hanging, some are jumping off the furniture and slamming around.
The idea is that they're looking for the sensory input that makes them feel
good.

For Casey it was swinging like a monkey. She was always hanging from stuff.
I started making sure she had every opportunity to do this. We got a chin up
bar so she could hang from the doorways. We went to the park to use the
monkey bars. She started gymnastics. The sensory input helped her feel
better which helped her behavior. Actually, any big body movement is a good
idea. It doesn't have to be much, but runnning, jumping, wheelbarrows
through the house, etc. spaced at regular intervals through the day can work
wonders. There are also calming techniques, deep pressure backrubs, etc.
(not much different from what we parents do anyway).

I should point out that maturing into their own nervous systems works
wonders too. Casey rarely needs the tags cut out of her clothes anymore and
her explosive reactions are to a minimum a now. Yet another reason why...

Life is good. :o)
~Mary



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