jessiwoodman@...

Been reading here for about a year and deschooling for almost that long--kids have never been to school but we did 'school at home' for about 6 months--they are now 8, 6, 4 and 18 months. My oldest daughter seems to be wanting/needing some kind of work--or structure, or routine, or something--I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what it is and how to help. She has asked me several times over the last year for 'something I can do, not at home, some kind of work, by myself.' She would love to get 'a real job' somewhere but as she's only 8, that's not going to happen for 6 years. We talked about the possibility of being a 'mother's helper' for someone--she isn't interested in yard work/outside work. I have a lot of ideas about things we could do together if she were my only child, but not a lot of ideas about how to meet her needs as she is one of four young people needing my time and attention.

She spends most of her time watching TV, playing on her tablet, and sometimes playing with her sisters, but she really looks forward to 3:35 pm when the neighborhood kids get off the bus and she can play with her best friend. Otherwise she seems bored and not really engaged. People who know our family well (but are not unschoolers) think she needs structure (which I have a hard time providing), and that although unschooling may be a good fit for me and maybe my other children, that it's not the right fit for her. I would like help seeing different aspects of this situation particularly if any experienced unschoolers have children who wanted more of a structured environment, and how to provide for that?

Sylvia Woodman

Are you connected with local unschoolers or homeschoolers?  Is there a regular park day you could go to?  Might she be interested in something like girl scouts?  When my kids wanted to do something sometimes they made a stand selling various things, lemonade, cookies, painted rocks, one time it was little saplings that had sprouted in our flower bed -- they dug them up and replanted them in various contains (yogurt, cottage cheese, etc).  It was a good way to meet all the neighbors.  

Does she like animals?  One of my friend's daughters started a very successful pet minding business where she would go feed, care for, and play with pets in her neighborhood while the owners were out of town or at work.  

==--==I have a lot of ideas about things we could do together if she were my only child, but not a lot of ideas about how to meet her needs as she is one of four young people needing my time and attention.==-==  But that's not your life.  Your life has four children in it, so wishing it were different isn't going to get you anywhere.  Let those ideas go and focus on what you can do with the family you do have.  Maybe YOU need to hire the mother's helper or a sitter a couple of days a week so you can focus on your daughter more.

Sylvia



On Thu, May 5, 2016 at 10:17 PM, jessiwoodman@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Been reading here for about a year and deschooling for almost that long--kids have never been to school but we did 'school at home' for about 6 months--they are now 8, 6, 4 and 18 months. My oldest daughter seems to be wanting/needing some kind of work--or structure, or routine, or something--I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what it is and how to help. She has asked me several times over the last year for 'something I can do, not at home, some kind of work, by myself.' She would love to get 'a real job' somewhere but as she's only 8, that's not going to happen for 6 years. We talked about the possibility of being a 'mother's helper' for someone--she isn't interested in yard work/outside work. I have a lot of ideas about things we could do together if she were my only child, but not a lot of ideas about how to meet her needs as she is one of four young people needing my time and attention.

She spends most of her time watching TV, playing on her tablet, and sometimes playing with her sisters, but she really looks forward to 3:35 pm when the neighborhood kids get off the bus and she can play with her best friend. Otherwise she seems bored and not really engaged. People who know our family well (but are not unschoolers) think she needs structure (which I have a hard time providing), and that although unschooling may be a good fit for me and maybe my other children, that it's not the right fit for her. I would like help seeing different aspects of this situation particularly if any experienced unschoolers have children who wanted more of a structured environment, and how to provide for that?


Cass Kotrba

--- although unschooling may be a good fit for me and maybe my other children, that it's not the right fit for her. ---

The beauty of unschooling is that it is so flexible that it can be a good fit for any child, it's a matter of figuring out how to tailor it for each individual's needs. 

Cass
Sent from my iPhone

Cass Kotrba

I wonder if she's looking for

--- 'something I can do, not at home, some kind of work, by myself.' ---

because she has the idea that you are too busy to go with her to do things she enjoys. Most of the things an 8 year old can do outside of the house are going to require some adult supervision. I can see how an 8 year old would feel stuck if she wants to get out and explore the world but doesn't have the ability to do that. 

Maybe there is someone else who could take her out? Maybe you could find a place she can volunteer and have someone there do light supervision. Maybe the local library would have something she could help with. Animal shelter?

Recently I was out having lunch and there was a girl, about 8, sitting with her grandparents, right behind me. The grandma apparently has an office job and the granddaughter goes with her sometimes and helps out. The girl was talking about all of the things she does to help the people there and she was so proud about it. :) She helps one lady open and sort the mail, for example. Apparently that gal really appreciates her help, as she was telling her grandpa. The conversation was so adorable that as we left I looked at the grandma and gave her a big smile. I used to help my mom or grandma sometimes do office work about that age. Filing, stuff like that. It made me feel valuable and useful. 

-Cass
Sent from my iPhone

Sandra Dodd

Finding another family to let her hang out (maybe help, or maybe you pay them, probably both) or at least to go on outings with might be great! You could trade for babysitting. Adding one or two kids to four is a minor percentage. Adding four to one is HUGE, so you can’t expect a mother of one or two to keep all yours, but maybe they could take the oldest out!

But please don’t neglect her just because you have three others. Choices were made. Your daughter has actual NEEDS for attention and touch and focus.

http://sandradodd.com/howto/precisely
There’s a graph there you might want to consider.

I would not “provide structure” for a child any more than I would create punishments for a child who asked for punishments. I don’t think controlling another person (which will inevitably involve shame and pressure and judging “failure” to some extent) is good for MY soul. I would support a child who wanted to create her own structure. Does she need an alarm clock? If you find an old smart phone you might still be able to use the alarm clock and set all sorts of notices and timers. If that phone can still get on wifi, maybe a calendar (and a bunch of happily distracting YouTube) would be accessible. Or would she prefer a datebook or a wall calendar? Filing box? Folders? Sticky notes? Bulletin boards? Digital camera of her own? If she asks for organizational tools, try to get them for her. And if she doesn’t really use them of “stay organized,” don’t say anything at all. She might use them later.

My kids use folders they got when they were little, that have stayed in the house. Kirby took a Ninja Turtle pocket-folder with him when he went to the community college. He used to keep video game notes in there. Last week, Holly was here and found some artsy old folders—one was a Lisa Frank folder that had been in the house for 20 years or so. :-) She took them away, where she’s living now, to file banking stuff, work stuff, I don’t know what.

So if you buy office supplies now, it’s an investment in not needing to buy them later on. :-)

Live loosely. Don’t invest too much emotion in the outcome, but live in the moment, lightly.

Sandra

Ali Zeljo

One of my four children loves to make charts with check off spots for all the things he'd like to do in a day.  He really enjoys sitting down and planning all the possibilities.  He puts down a lot of exercise/sports related work as he loves playing baseball and basketball.   So he has swing 50 times, 20 push-ups, etc.  Then he also has the goal of learning about geography, so he puts very specific things on that list having to do with geography.  He wants to improve his comfort level with writing by hand (rather than typing) and so he has a journal where he writes down all the NBA stats from the night before by hand.  He wants to get better at a certain type of movement in his favorite video game, so he has that on his list.  

He seems to enjoy making the list more than anything.  He does follow it, but certainly not everyday.  He still spends much of his time doing other things he enjoys like watching sports, youtube and playing on his computer, playing outside and often doesn't get to his list. (He is 12 by the way.)  But it does give him a feeling of having work to do, so if he is in the mood to do work, he knows just what to turn to!   Maybe next time your daughter asks for more work to do, you could help her come up with a list of things she enjoys so she can refer to it.  If she is looking for work that makes her feel helpful, maybe you could offer her a project like organizing your junk drawer, or putting labels on the lids of your spice jars, or organizing all the mismatched socks?

Ali








On Thu, May 5, 2016 at 8:17 PM, jessiwoodman@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Been reading here for about a year and deschooling for almost that long--kids have never been to school but we did 'school at home' for about 6 months--they are now 8, 6, 4 and 18 months. My oldest daughter seems to be wanting/needing some kind of work--or structure, or routine, or something--I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what it is and how to help. She has asked me several times over the last year for 'something I can do, not at home, some kind of work, by myself.' She would love to get 'a real job' somewhere but as she's only 8, that's not going to happen for 6 years. We talked about the possibility of being a 'mother's helper' for someone--she isn't interested in yard work/outside work. I have a lot of ideas about things we could do together if she were my only child, but not a lot of ideas about how to meet her needs as she is one of four young people needing my time and attention.

She spends most of her time watching TV, playing on her tablet, and sometimes playing with her sisters, but she really looks forward to 3:35 pm when the neighborhood kids get off the bus and she can play with her best friend. Otherwise she seems bored and not really engaged. People who know our family well (but are not unschoolers) think she needs structure (which I have a hard time providing), and that although unschooling may be a good fit for me and maybe my other children, that it's not the right fit for her. I would like help seeing different aspects of this situation particularly if any experienced unschoolers have children who wanted more of a structured environment, and how to provide for that?