Sandra Dodd

I was asked to post this anonymously:
__________________

My husband is in a professional transition. He is no longer enjoying what he has been doing, and he is severely underemployed. We are running out of money. I am doing what I can, and I'm in a program towards a career for myself that should be done in 2017. I see that he is stuck, and I don't know how to support him because I am getting frustrated at his inertia. I don't know what needs to happen, and I don't know how to deal with not being able to afford things for the kids (big things, like camps and stuff). I'm getting help emotionally, but that *costs* money, which we can't afford.

I don't know how to be the unschooling parent I want to be right now. Where I used to find abundance, I am finding lack. My kids are crying because they want to do things I can't find money for. My husband feels like a failure, and so that is what is getting telegraphed to the world right now, and it is hard to be in the house with that and turn it into abundance.
__________________

Alex & Brian Polikowsky


About 8 years ago when the economy collapsed so did our finances for several reasons.

I went from being able to buy my kids things and go places to counting pennies literally.
There were days we had to search for loose change around the house to buy some bread.

What I did to keep the kids happy was to do MORE with them! 
I was already pretty savvy at buying things second hand but I got even better at it!

There are also lots of places that are free to go!

I would make things abundant by getting lots of movies and books at the library for example!
I would pack lunch to go places but spend two dollars in icecream or French fries .

We did lots of playdate at the time.
We played together a lot. We planned and saved for purchases. We searched online sites like Craigslist and eBay for deals and went to thrift stores to look for deals.

So we worked towards what the kids wanted. 
We sold unwanted toys to be able to afford new ones!

Deb Lewis has a list of things to do in the Winter that may give you some ideas.


Lots of free things to do in the list!

So abundance can be felt by the way at you look at your life. See what you do have  with gratitude. If your family has a roof , food , and more importantly, health that is already more than many people in the world.

Alex Polikowsky


















Sent from my iPhone

On Jan 27, 2016, at 9:55 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

I was asked to post this anonymously:
__________________

My husband is in a professional transition. He is no longer enjoying what he has been doing, and he is severely underemployed. We are running out of money. I am doing what I can, and I'm in a program towards a career for myself that should be done in 2017. I see that he is stuck, and I don't know how to support him because I am getting frustrated at his inertia. I don't know what needs to happen, and I don't know how to deal with not being able to afford things for the kids (big things, like camps and stuff). I'm getting help emotionally, but that *costs* money, which we can't afford.

I don't know how to be the unschooling parent I want to be right now. Where I used to find abundance, I am finding lack. My kids are crying because they want to do things I can't find money for. My husband feels like a failure, and so that is what is getting telegraphed to the world right now, and it is hard to be in the house with that and turn it into abundance.
__________________

Sandra Dodd

-=- If your family has a roof , food , and more importantly, health that is already more than many people in the world.-=-

And that can be seen in a negative way (this roof is old, that food is boring, we can walk but we can’t afford to go skiing0
or in a positive way:
this roof doesn’t leak (or hardly leaks; I have a leak in an enclosed porch)
if we can afford rice and spaghetti, we can do lots of things with those
no one is in the hospital, we can all function physically

I had a broken leg when I was 32, and a broken ankle when I was 4…8? Marty was 13, and I broke my ankle.
Those involved hospitals, casts, wheel chairs, crutches, LOTS of inconvenience for me and for everyone around me.

A mental inventory of what IS working, and what IS possible will help much more than money, even. Beause clearly there are wealthy people who are unhappy. And there are very poor people who are happy.

Unschooling doesn’t work well with fear, so as team captain, a mom with a husband who is in a slump needs to generate enough cheer for the family, to bolster things until life is better. Or to learn to see the “better” in life as it is. Both, probably.

When I was in college, onr of our housematees one year was from New York City. Her dad had been a television producer or director and his big-deal last show had been cancelled, or come to the end of a successful run, or whatever. She had grown up with a maid and a cook and sometimes a driver. Her dad didn’t pick up more work, and she had gone 2000 miles away to a university—transportation, housing, out-of-state tuition (over twice as much as in-state kids were paying).

One day she got a phone call from her dad, and she sounded distraught, so I thought someone had been hospitalized or died. She got off the phone and cried.
When I could ask her whether I could help, she said her dad had taken a job managing some apartments. I asked whether he was living in them; no. Did he need to fix things? No. Just handle leases and collect the rent, and order repairs.

Huh.
At that time, my dad was managing some apartments in Los Alamos, New Mexico. He was living in one, and doing all the repairs on the others. Someone else handled rental approvals and money and keys.
My dad was doing that because after all his very physical jobs—welding, construction, doing machinery set-up and repair for a mining company, repairing engines and machinery—he had developed arthritis and wasn’t able to do the kind of work he had done to support our family and put me in school and pay for my living with this other girl (and some less irritating housemates).

Seeing that what one has is more than what another family has EVER had can be healthy, humbling, grounding.

Marriage vows used to, and seems they should still, include something along the lines of “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer.” Impatience or frustration with the fear (and maybe depression and inertia) that can come with a layoff or a downturn or a lesser-paying job might be natural, but it’s possible to make higher and better choices, with practice, for good reasons. The peace of children and the health of the marriage are good reasons. :-)

These pages might help.
http;//sandradodd.com/negativity (finding little ways to be more positive in word, and thought, and deed make life better every single time)
http://sandradodd.com/divorce (don’t say or do things that will poison a relationship)

Sandra

Sylvia Woodman

Alex's advice is wonderful!  But I would also spend some time loving up your husband as well.  For so many men their identity/self-worth is very much tied to their careers. Their role as the provider/bread winner.  It sounds like your husband is at loose ends adapting to his new normal.  Maybe you could make an effort to remind him of all the reasons you love and value him that don't have to do with his ability to bring a paycheck.  Focus on his many other good qualities.  You said your husband feels like a failure.  Help him see himself as a success.  

You said, "it is hard to be in the house with that and turn it into abundance"  Start by making a list in your head of all the ways your life and your kids lives would be worse if your husband wasn't there.  Take steps to protect your partnership.  


--Sylvia Woodman 

On Wed, Jan 27, 2016 at 1:18 PM, Alex & Brian Polikowsky polykowholsteins@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 


About 8 years ago when the economy collapsed so did our finances for several reasons.

I went from being able to buy my kids things and go places to counting pennies literally.
There were days we had to search for loose change around the house to buy some bread.

What I did to keep the kids happy was to do MORE with them! 
I was already pretty savvy at buying things second hand but I got even better at it!

There are also lots of places that are free to go!

I would make things abundant by getting lots of movies and books at the library for example!
I would pack lunch to go places but spend two dollars in icecream or French fries .

We did lots of playdate at the time.
We played together a lot. We planned and saved for purchases. We searched online sites like Craigslist and eBay for deals and went to thrift stores to look for deals.

So we worked towards what the kids wanted. 
We sold unwanted toys to be able to afford new ones!

Deb Lewis has a list of things to do in the Winter that may give you some ideas.


Lots of free things to do in the list!

So abundance can be felt by the way at you look at your life. See what you do have  with gratitude. If your family has a roof , food , and more importantly, health that is already more than many people in the world.

Alex Polikowsky


















Sent from my iPhone

On Jan 27, 2016, at 9:55 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

I was asked to post this anonymously:
__________________

My husband is in a professional transition. He is no longer enjoying what he has been doing, and he is severely underemployed. We are running out of money. I am doing what I can, and I'm in a program towards a career for myself that should be done in 2017. I see that he is stuck, and I don't know how to support him because I am getting frustrated at his inertia. I don't know what needs to happen, and I don't know how to deal with not being able to afford things for the kids (big things, like camps and stuff). I'm getting help emotionally, but that *costs* money, which we can't afford.

I don't know how to be the unschooling parent I want to be right now. Where I used to find abundance, I am finding lack. My kids are crying because they want to do things I can't find money for. My husband feels like a failure, and so that is what is getting telegraphed to the world right now, and it is hard to be in the house with that and turn it into abundance.
__________________


Sandra Dodd

Note from the anonymom with the original question:

-=-My husband went out for a while today, and when he came home he'd found an awesome toy for the 6yo at the Goodwill for $2. Because he's a great dad and a great partner:)-=-

Erin Waterbury

It's a hard spot to be in.  I was in a similar position a few years ago, in fact, my husband spent nearly the first two years of our relationship unemployed, including the first 6 months of our son's life.  In general men's and women's minds work very differently and it took me a long time to figure out that when I thought I was encouraging him and trying to inspire my husband he was instead receiving the message that he wasn't living up to my expectations and grew more ashamed of his inability to provide for his family (a HUGE part of his self identity).  He eventually found a good job and we've settled into our new community well.

I'm still (6 years later) trying to figure out how to help him push towards things he tells me he wants to do without making him feel like a failure for not doing it already.  Mostly I'm realizing that it is a very sensitive issue and that focusing on making Today better and even just a single moment better yields more benefit for him and the family than any external inspiration ever has.

On a completely unrelated note: the term anonymom cracks me up every time I see it.  :D

Alex & Brian Polikowsky

This question was posted anonymously:


"Alex, when your family was feeling the financial pinch, did you express that to your kids at all (in terms of requests that had to go on wishlists, etc), and if so, how? I don't want them to feel burdened by money woes, but I don't know how to be honest about our budget limitations right now without projecting that anxiety."


So here is my answer :


I did not sit my kids down or express worries. I was matter of fact. 

Well we don't have the money right now for this you. Let's save and try to find it with a better price .

Let's see how we can get some money. 

Let's look for a bargain.


I still need to tell my kids to wait for things today.

I remember not having any money and my son handing me his $20 !

There is not reason to scare the kids. My daughter worries about spending money.

My son asks for very little. 

I did make sure they felt abundance when times were rough at the same time they knew we only had a certain amount of money and some bills needed to be payed and we needed gas and food.

They also chose where to spend some money. Should we eat at MacDonald or save this $10 or $20 for something else and pack out lunch or wait to get home?

There are always ways to work it out! 

But no, I did not burden my kids with talks about money other than being matter of fact about it.

Those were not arbitrary limits but real life ones.

That is a big difference than parents not spending money on things the kids want because they think they will grow up to be with entitlement and spoiled, or will never learn the value of money.

Alex P.



Sent from my iPhone

On Jan 27, 2016, at 2:19 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Note from the anonymom with the original question:

-=-My husband went out for a while today, and when he came home he'd found an awesome toy for the 6yo at the Goodwill for $2. Because he's a great dad and a great partner:)-=-

Sylvia Woodman

I think it is really important for the kids to feel like you and your husband are being as generous as you can be to them.  Kids learn to be generous by experiencing generosity.  You can choose to live fearfully or you can choose to live joyfully.  Living joyfully helps unschooling, learning, and relationships flourish in your home.

Sylvia Woodman

On Wed, Jan 27, 2016 at 4:31 PM, Alex & Brian Polikowsky polykowholsteins@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

This question was posted anonymously:


"Alex, when your family was feeling the financial pinch, did you express that to your kids at all (in terms of requests that had to go on wishlists, etc), and if so, how? I don't want them to feel burdened by money woes, but I don't know how to be honest about our budget limitations right now without projecting that anxiety."


So here is my answer :


I did not sit my kids down or express worries. I was matter of fact. 

Well we don't have the money right now for this you. Let's save and try to find it with a better price .

Let's see how we can get some money. 

Let's look for a bargain.


I still need to tell my kids to wait for things today.

I remember not having any money and my son handing me his $20 !

There is not reason to scare the kids. My daughter worries about spending money.

My son asks for very little. 

I did make sure they felt abundance when times were rough at the same time they knew we only had a certain amount of money and some bills needed to be payed and we needed gas and food.

They also chose where to spend some money. Should we eat at MacDonald or save this $10 or $20 for something else and pack out lunch or wait to get home?

There are always ways to work it out! 

But no, I did not burden my kids with talks about money other than being matter of fact about it.

Those were not arbitrary limits but real life ones.

That is a big difference than parents not spending money on things the kids want because they think they will grow up to be with entitlement and spoiled, or will never learn the value of money.

Alex P.



Sent from my iPhone

On Jan 27, 2016, at 2:19 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Note from the anonymom with the original question:

-=-My husband went out for a while today, and when he came home he'd found an awesome toy for the 6yo at the Goodwill for $2. Because he's a great dad and a great partner:)-=-


Sandra Dodd

-=-You can choose to live fearfully or you can choose to live joyfully. Living joyfully helps unschooling, learning, and relationships flourish in your home.-=-

http://sandradodd.com/joy is one of the first articles I ever wrote about parenting, for a local parenting magazine many years ago.
It’s called “Rejecting a Pre-Packaged Life,” but I just remember it as “joy” and that’s its URL. :-)
Pam Laricchia mentioned the article to me yesterday—it’s going to come up in the first of the ten questions she’s asking me tomorrow, so I re-read it tonight in preparation for a podcast interview.

I’ll bring a note here when she uploads the finished podcast. :-)

It’s easy to panic and worry. Anybody can do that.
It’s possible to gradually learn to move toward joy. Lots of people in this discussion have done that, but some don’t think it’s all that important. Some people don’t think it’s all that bad to remain negative.

Assuming that people are here because they want to become, and continue to become better unschoolers, I never stop recommending positivity.

Sandra

hamildorf@...

=Alex, when your family was feeling the financial pinch, did you express that to your kids at all (in terms of requests that had to go on wishlists, etc), and if so, how? I don't want them to feel burdened by money woes, but I don't know how to be honest about our budget limitations right now without projecting that anxiety.=



Last year we lost almost all our savings, and my husband's income stopped. It has yet to return, though he is working hard to get it going. We moved house twice in one year, landing, finally, and very happily, in my mother-in-law's garage. We are living off what's left of our savings. There was no way of hiding the changes in our life from the kids, who are 8, 5 and 3.
We live in California, where we have been living with a pretty serious drought for several years. The kids understand conserving water, that the rains aren't there to replenish the reservoirs, etc. They have been living with the concept of drought most of their lives, and it hasn't really impacted them negatively, just something going on in the background of their lives.  So I told them we were in a money drought, that droughts can last one season, or years, there's no way of knowing for sure.
I made sure to keep our social life going without much change. And we got creative with purchases, like other posters have suggested. We used airline miles to buy Christmas gifts.
At first my 8 year old talked of our drought, even told friends about it, very matter-of-factly, which I thought was sweet.There was no shame or sadness associated with it. It doesn't come up anymore. We adjusted to our new normal, which is still drought mode.
For me, this has been a huge learning experience, in many ways, and has made me a better parent and partner, forged by fire.