Unpicking weight loss.
fishbeensnail@...
We (my wife and I) are feeling stuck on issues surrounding food and weight.
The last time I posted was a year ago and I was thrashing about because my son, Alexander, had developed an egg allergy. Your responses helped us see more clearly and gradually we got past the problems we were having. Not gracefully or easily, but things got clearer and we moved past our fears. He has mostly outgrown the egg allergy, though it still upsets his digestive system and he chooses not to eat it because of this. Cake is occasionally worth the tummy ache, but not very often. In the end it just wasn't a big deal.
But, we have continued to have problems with food and Alexander has slowly gained weight all year. I have waited and watched, made small changes and tried to see clearly what was happening. I have been worried about his weight increasing but felt that it was best to take our time and understand what was happening before we considered intervening or making any big changes.
Now he has developed asthma and I feel that I have run out of time to unpick the issues we are having with food. The health care professionals are worried about his weigh because it will make it harder to manage his asthma. If his weight does not come down there will be increasingly serious consequences for us all. I do not want dietitians and social workers to be a part of out lives.
So, I need help seeing the whole situation clearly, and I need creative ideas to move forward with.
Here are my best guesses on why he has gained weight. The asthma has been creeping up on him for a year, the same length of time his weight has been increasing. I don't think that is a coincidence. The steady build up of asthma and allergy symptoms (tomatoes and dust as well as egg) have made him less and less active.
He often struggles to manage and cope with sensory stimulation levels, which is not generally a problem because we can adjust things to meet his needs but he seeks oral stimulation a lot. He is also rather emotionally sensitive and eats to buffer transitions and to manage anxiety. I offer cups of ice chips, sensory chews and frozen teething rings preemptively to try to satisfy his need for icy things and things to chew. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. He can't, for instance, cope with getting on a train without eating. I carry a banana and nobody makes a big deal of it.
He doesn't seem to get a stop eating signal. He will eat until his stomach hurts and still want to eat more. I am not sure if that is because of the sensory cravings, or if it is an allergy issue or if he just can't tell when he is full. Portion sizes have been a problem, and that is my issue not his, so he has been overeating regularly. I am offering smaller portions and asking him to wait ten minutes before getting more food. He is not always happy about that but we get on with fun things and the urge to keep eating usually passes by the time the ten minutes is up and if it doesn't then we know he really is still hungry and we get him more food. This doesn't feel like the greatest solution.
The other problem has been me. It has been shocking to me, over the last year, to realize how much anxiety about food I have been carrying around. I offer too much food, and I offer too often. I am being mindful of that kink in my thinking and trying to take more of a don't offer don't refuse approach to food. I think I need to be a lot more neutral.
We are making small changes to the way we all eat. I am trying to make lots of small mindful choices about the food I buy and the meals I cook. My wife and I are both trying to be more aware of the food choices and eating habits we are modelling to our son.
I have spoken to my son about the need for him to lose weight and explained that to lose weight he needs to eat fewer high energy foods. He very badly wants his asthma to be better. But he is four and very often chooses to eat sweets. We are, reluctantly, saying no sometimes when he wants sweets. This does not feel good or right and it is causing distress. But it also feels irresponsible to allow him to eat sweets several times a day when the consequences of him not losing weight would be so serious. Please help me see more choices.
There have been a lot of bad moments in the last few months. Too much trauma, fear and stress, and too much change. In every other area of our life I am trying to offer him ways to feel strong and powerful and help him recover from the helplessness and fear of the last few months. Losing weight is his goal. Managing his asthma better is his goal. I want to support him and not make losing weight something that is being done to him.
Thank you.
Nadia.
Tara & Sky
He is 4. Stop trying to fix him.
If you are surrounded by experts who tell you you must fix him to protect him, then find new experts (and keep learning until you become the expert).
Hearing from his parents that he needs to be fixed will inflict deeper wounds and more scar tissue than any ailment he faces now. Those wounds are not something he'll outgrow like a childhood allergy.
He is 4. Losing weight, better managing his asthma, those are *not* his goals. He sees these as ways to please you, ways to fix himself, maybe, but they're not 4 yr old goals.
The 4 Day Win by Martha Beck is an excellent resource, for *you* to learn about the psychology and biology behind compulsive eating. It will guide you in discovering non-food ways to find joy, safety, comfort. When you learn to recognize these things about yourself, you're learning what too watch for when you watch him. It's likely he learned those patterns of anxiety and comfort eating from you - so work on *you*. When he sees *you* learning, and *you* making choices, and *you* feeling abundance and love and acceptance for yourself, he will explore and learn, too.
Don't try to offer less food - offer more joy, in many forms. If it's food, find something you can offer *abundantly* that he'll find joyful (fresh fruit, corn on the cob, steamed carrots). Focus on what you can *add* rather than on taking away...until there's so much joy that the other stuff has been squeezed out of the picture without being missed (like those eggs!).
Sent on a Sprint Samsung Galaxy S® 5
-------- Original message --------
From: "fishbeensnail@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
Date:09/09/2014 2:41 PM (GMT-08:00)
To: [email protected]
Cc:
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Unpicking weight loss.
We (my wife and I) are feeling stuck on issues surrounding food and weight.
The last time I posted was a year ago and I was thrashing about because my son, Alexander, had developed an egg allergy. Your responses helped us see more clearly and gradually we got past the problems we were having. Not gracefully or easily, but things got clearer and we moved past our fears. He has mostly outgrown the egg allergy, though it still upsets his digestive system and he chooses not to eat it because of this. Cake is occasionally worth the tummy ache, but not very often. In the end it just wasn't a big deal.
But, we have continued to have problems with food and Alexander has slowly gained weight all year. I have waited and watched, made small changes and tried to see clearly what was happening. I have been worried about his weight increasing but felt that it was best to take our time and understand what was happening before we considered intervening or making any big changes.
Now he has developed asthma and I feel that I have run out of time to unpick the issues we are having with food. The health care professionals are worried about his weigh because it will make it harder to manage his asthma. If his weight does not come down there will be increasingly serious consequences for us all. I do not want dietitians and social workers to be a part of out lives.
So, I need help seeing the whole situation clearly, and I need creative ideas to move forward with.
Here are my best guesses on why he has gained weight. The asthma has been creeping up on him for a year, the same length of time his weight has been increasing. I don't think that is a coincidence. The steady build up of asthma and allergy symptoms (tomatoes and dust as well as egg) have made him less and less active.
He often struggles to manage and cope with sensory stimulation levels, which is not generally a problem because we can adjust things to meet his needs but he seeks oral stimulation a lot. He is also rather emotionally sensitive and eats to buffer transitions and to manage anxiety. I offer cups of ice chips, sensory chews and frozen teething rings preemptively to try to satisfy his need for icy things and things to chew. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. He can't, for instance, cope with getting on a train without eating. I carry a banana and nobody makes a big deal of it.
He doesn't seem to get a stop eating signal. He will eat until his stomach hurts and still want to eat more. I am not sure if that is because of the sensory cravings, or if it is an allergy issue or if he just can't tell when he is full. Portion sizes have been a problem, and that is my issue not his, so he has been overeating regularly. I am offering smaller portions and asking him to wait ten minutes before getting more food. He is not always happy about that but we get on with fun things and the urge to keep eating usually passes by the time the ten minutes is up and if it doesn't then we know he really is still hungry and we get him more food. This doesn't feel like the greatest solution.
The other problem has been me. It has been shocking to me, over the last year, to realize how much anxiety about food I have been carrying around. I offer too much food, and I offer too often. I am being mindful of that kink in my thinking and trying to take more of a don't offer don't refuse approach to food. I think I need to be a lot more neutral.
We are making small changes to the way we all eat. I am trying to make lots of small mindful choices about the food I buy and the meals I cook. My wife and I are both trying to be more aware of the food choices and eating habits we are modelling to our son.
I have spoken to my son about the need for him to lose weight and explained that to lose weight he needs to eat fewer high energy foods. He very badly wants his asthma to be better. But he is four and very often chooses to eat sweets. We are, reluctantly, saying no sometimes when he wants sweets. This does not feel good or right and it is causing distress. But it also feels irresponsible to allow him to eat sweets several times a day when the consequences of him not losing weight would be so serious. Please help me see more choices.
There have been a lot of bad moments in the last few months. Too much trauma, fear and stress, and too much change. In every other area of our life I am trying to offer him ways to feel strong and powerful and help him recover from the helplessness and fear of the last few months. Losing weight is his goal. Managing his asthma better is his goal. I want to support him and not make losing weight something that is being done to him.
Thank you.
Nadia.
lucy.web
Kids, Carrots and Candy is a book that has some practical ideas to help you stop trying to control your child's eating.
Kids, Carrots, and Candy
http://amazon.co.uk/dp/B009U04B60
Kids, Carrots, and Candy
http://amazon.co.uk/dp/B009U04B60
> On 9 Sep 2014, at 23:41, "fishbeensnail@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> We (my wife and I) are feeling stuck on issues surrounding food and weight.
fishbeensnail@...
We are in the uk. We cannot afford private healthcare. Changing doctors is not an option for us. Because of the severity of his asthma refusing to engage or being seen as non compliant will lead to social servises involvement very quickly. Those are not good choices.
Alexander has been very ill indeed. There have been hospital stays and iv steroids and antibiotics to manage his asthma. He has been in high dependancy and was a hair away from intensive care. Managing his asthma is his goal because he does not want that to happen to him again. He does not want to feel ill and breathless every day or to wake up struggling to breathe and scared every nightnight. He is engaged and involved in his treatment. Part of his treatment is changing our diet to help him lose weight. I do feel we are getting it wrong and taking that goal away from him. That's why I'm posting here.
The risks to his health and to our family are real.
fishbeensnail@...
I'm sorry, I replied too quickly and that must have sounded ungrateful and defensive. It has been a very scary few weeks. Thank you for the book recommendation. I will look it up and I agree with everything you say about looking to our own issues and eating habits. I do feel that the biggest change needs to be in us, but that's a slow burn. I need short term strategies too. I need creative gentle ideas to help my son lose weight. Resources to help us (my wife and I) understand and heal our food issues are very gratefully recieved.
Joyce Fetteroll
On Sep 9, 2014, at 5:41 PM, fishbeensnail@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
I think the 2nd problem is that instead of seeing your son as a symptom of what's going on, you're seeing him as the problem that needs fixed. You're asking -- even if not directly -- for ways to fix him.
What's coming through in your writing is stress. If you're stressed, your child will be stressed. Stress is a factor in asthma. Stress can cause eating. Not just because food is soothing but because stress cranks up the body's craving for calories. I once spent a very stressful day getting into Boston traffic court to fight a speeding ticket. Normally I can eat 2 pieces of a large pizza and regret a 3rd ;-) That night I ate 4 and wasn't stuffed! Your body craves fuel when it's stressed.
It's possible -- and I'm guessing at this from various clues -- that the body isn't just craving calories to burn but to store. It's gearing the body up for whatever big event that has the body so worked up with stress.
Focusing on his weight will cause more stress. It will feel like he's the cause of your stress when he isn't.
Breathing. Meditation. Yoga. Tai Chi. If you can find programs (on DVD) that are fun for kids, invite him along. Don't make him. Just approach the practices with joy and invite him to join you.
I would say focus on getting the bulk of your meals and snacks more healthy. Don't bring sweets into the house unless he asks specifically. And you can make sweet things with him like whole grain banana muffins, fruit smoothies. Having some fat in with the sweet will slow the digestion down so he won't feel hungry so quickly. Explore with him to find foods he will find satisfying. If you have the ability to grow even a container garden, kids are often drawn to food they can pick and eat that they wouldn't normally eat from the store.
Walks in the woods. Climbing over rocks. Playing ball on the beach. Most parents can take their kid to the park and let him go! :-) Right now while he's finding it difficult to be active, doing more active things *with* you will help.
A dog might help. As long as you get some good advice on one that has the right personality for your child :-) Dogs can help with stress. They can help with exercise. As long as you can find ways *not* to stress over walking and other care. Make it a joyful time to be together. The more you make it a pleasant time, the less he'll say no.
What you're saying about the banana and wait 10 minutes and chewing on ice sound like good ideas. Steering kids towards other options is good as long as they still do have their original choice available. Just like anyone, kids can get stuck on one thing that's partially soothing. So it's hard to not reach for that soothing thing when you're stressed. Helping him to explore other options that might work better while not forbidding what he finds soothing is useful.
Joyce
> But, we have continued to have problems with food and Alexander has slowly gained weight all year.I think one problem is that you think it's a problem with food.
I think the 2nd problem is that instead of seeing your son as a symptom of what's going on, you're seeing him as the problem that needs fixed. You're asking -- even if not directly -- for ways to fix him.
What's coming through in your writing is stress. If you're stressed, your child will be stressed. Stress is a factor in asthma. Stress can cause eating. Not just because food is soothing but because stress cranks up the body's craving for calories. I once spent a very stressful day getting into Boston traffic court to fight a speeding ticket. Normally I can eat 2 pieces of a large pizza and regret a 3rd ;-) That night I ate 4 and wasn't stuffed! Your body craves fuel when it's stressed.
It's possible -- and I'm guessing at this from various clues -- that the body isn't just craving calories to burn but to store. It's gearing the body up for whatever big event that has the body so worked up with stress.
Focusing on his weight will cause more stress. It will feel like he's the cause of your stress when he isn't.
Breathing. Meditation. Yoga. Tai Chi. If you can find programs (on DVD) that are fun for kids, invite him along. Don't make him. Just approach the practices with joy and invite him to join you.
I would say focus on getting the bulk of your meals and snacks more healthy. Don't bring sweets into the house unless he asks specifically. And you can make sweet things with him like whole grain banana muffins, fruit smoothies. Having some fat in with the sweet will slow the digestion down so he won't feel hungry so quickly. Explore with him to find foods he will find satisfying. If you have the ability to grow even a container garden, kids are often drawn to food they can pick and eat that they wouldn't normally eat from the store.
> The steady build up of asthma and allergy symptoms (tomatoes and dust as well as egg) have made him less and less active.What kind of active things are you and your wife doing with him?
Walks in the woods. Climbing over rocks. Playing ball on the beach. Most parents can take their kid to the park and let him go! :-) Right now while he's finding it difficult to be active, doing more active things *with* you will help.
A dog might help. As long as you get some good advice on one that has the right personality for your child :-) Dogs can help with stress. They can help with exercise. As long as you can find ways *not* to stress over walking and other care. Make it a joyful time to be together. The more you make it a pleasant time, the less he'll say no.
What you're saying about the banana and wait 10 minutes and chewing on ice sound like good ideas. Steering kids towards other options is good as long as they still do have their original choice available. Just like anyone, kids can get stuck on one thing that's partially soothing. So it's hard to not reach for that soothing thing when you're stressed. Helping him to explore other options that might work better while not forbidding what he finds soothing is useful.
Joyce
Rach
You are entitled to change doctors, and even hospitals and consultants in the UK and ask for second opinions.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<<<<<<<<<<<<but things got clearer and we moved past our
fears. >>>>>>>>
If you re-read your post you will see that you have NOT moved past your fears. They are all there! There is this very tangible stressful tone to how you relate to food and your child.
Wishing all the best !
If you re-read your post you will see that you have NOT moved past your fears. They are all there! There is this very tangible stressful tone to how you relate to food and your child.
<<<<<<<<<<<<But,
we have continued to have problems with food and Alexander has slowly
gained weight all year. I have waited and watched, made small changes
and tried to see clearly what was happening. I have been worried about
his weight increasing but felt that it was best to take our time and
understand what was happening before we considered intervening or making
any big changes. >>>>>>>>>>>
Is the stress in your home only about food and asthma? ( And trust me I know our kids health can be stressful)?
Any thing else bringing stress or big changes? New sibling? Big move??
Is the stress in your home only about food and asthma? ( And trust me I know our kids health can be stressful)?
Any thing else bringing stress or big changes? New sibling? Big move??
<<<<<<<<<<<Now
he has developed asthma and I feel that I have run out of time to
unpick the issues we are having with food. The health care
professionals are worried about his weigh because it will make it harder
to manage his asthma.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
As someone with asthma and overweight I will say that it is not the weight! It is how active you are, the allergies around , the weather, stress, getting a bad cold,
even what kind of heat you have in the house! What triggers asthma is different from person to person! Even a cleaner can trigger your asthma!
The other day I was in a County Fair public restroom and a cleaning lady walked in and sprayed the sink next to me with a very strong cleaner. Instantly I felt it burn and I knew it could trigger my asthma. IT did.
The difference between me and a 4 year old is that I may be more aware of what will trigger my asthma and avoid or be more prepared.
Weight has never had ANY influence in how my asthma is. Now being more active , even if 30 pounds heavier) does help me a lot.
More bike rides, more walks, more time on a playground, more swimming, more jumping on a trampoline, more playing ball or tag...
I would do more that ! For fun! Laughing! Better than focusing on his weight.
The other day I was in a County Fair public restroom and a cleaning lady walked in and sprayed the sink next to me with a very strong cleaner. Instantly I felt it burn and I knew it could trigger my asthma. IT did.
The difference between me and a 4 year old is that I may be more aware of what will trigger my asthma and avoid or be more prepared.
Weight has never had ANY influence in how my asthma is. Now being more active , even if 30 pounds heavier) does help me a lot.
More bike rides, more walks, more time on a playground, more swimming, more jumping on a trampoline, more playing ball or tag...
I would do more that ! For fun! Laughing! Better than focusing on his weight.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< If his weight does not come down there will be
increasingly serious consequences for us all. I do not want dietitians
and social workers to be a part of out lives. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Is he that overweight? Is he husky? How do you and your wife eat? Are you bigger people ( is it genetic?)
Is he that overweight? Is he husky? How do you and your wife eat? Are you bigger people ( is it genetic?)
<<<<<<<<<So, I need help seeing the whole situation clearly, and I need creative ideas to move forward with.>>>>>>>>>>
Play more. Relax, Make sure lots of healthy things are available and being offered! Instead of telling him just one banana get him busy! Play with him. Say: Lets play hide and seek! lets go to the pool. The more he feels he cannot eat more ( and he probably may still be hungry) the more he will focus on food. give him some carrots if he is still hungry!
So offer MORE food ( low calorie and fiber) not less. Make lots of yummy foods that fill up and are not super high calories.
Make sure he is getting some protein and fat ( not just sugar /carbohydrates ) to balance his blood sugar and hunger.
When I was a little girl ( and not overweight ) I was hungry and ate A LOT!.
Feeling guilty about eating one more banana and focusing on weight would have me thinking of food 24 hours a day and feeling guilty most of those hours. Plus I am sure I would sneak food because I really did feel hungry.
Play more. Relax, Make sure lots of healthy things are available and being offered! Instead of telling him just one banana get him busy! Play with him. Say: Lets play hide and seek! lets go to the pool. The more he feels he cannot eat more ( and he probably may still be hungry) the more he will focus on food. give him some carrots if he is still hungry!
So offer MORE food ( low calorie and fiber) not less. Make lots of yummy foods that fill up and are not super high calories.
Make sure he is getting some protein and fat ( not just sugar /carbohydrates ) to balance his blood sugar and hunger.
When I was a little girl ( and not overweight ) I was hungry and ate A LOT!.
Feeling guilty about eating one more banana and focusing on weight would have me thinking of food 24 hours a day and feeling guilty most of those hours. Plus I am sure I would sneak food because I really did feel hungry.
<<<<<Here
are my best guesses on why he has gained weight. The asthma has been
creeping up on him for a year, the same length of time his weight has
been increasing. I don't think that is a coincidence. The steady build
up of asthma and allergy symptoms (tomatoes and dust as well as egg)
have made him less and less active. >>>>>>>>>>>>>
Could be. Less active more weight gain but I don;t think more weight gain more asthma.
The relationship between being active and less asthma is that people who have a better cardiovascular system and a more develop lungs can oxygenate their blood better. So even if you still have asthma your body is able to use and get more oxygen. I hope I am explaining that right!
That is why kids with asthma were told to do swimming!
Could be. Less active more weight gain but I don;t think more weight gain more asthma.
The relationship between being active and less asthma is that people who have a better cardiovascular system and a more develop lungs can oxygenate their blood better. So even if you still have asthma your body is able to use and get more oxygen. I hope I am explaining that right!
That is why kids with asthma were told to do swimming!
<<<<<<<<<<<<He
often struggles to manage and cope with sensory stimulation levels,
which is not generally a problem because we can adjust things to meet
his needs but he seeks oral stimulation a lot.>>>
Gums? xylitol gums( good for teeth and low calorie and still sweet)?
<<<<<<<< He is also rather emotionally sensitive and eats to buffer transitions and to manage anxiety. I offer cups of ice chips, sensory chews and frozen teething rings preemptively to try to satisfy his need for icy things and things to chew. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. He can't, for instance, cope with getting on a train without eating. I carry a banana and nobody makes a big deal of it. >>>>>>
Frozen bananas would be great! Frozen grapes! Carrots ( very chewy ! ). Less stress. More calm from the parents. Less focus on food.
Gums? xylitol gums( good for teeth and low calorie and still sweet)?
<<<<<<<< He is also rather emotionally sensitive and eats to buffer transitions and to manage anxiety. I offer cups of ice chips, sensory chews and frozen teething rings preemptively to try to satisfy his need for icy things and things to chew. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. He can't, for instance, cope with getting on a train without eating. I carry a banana and nobody makes a big deal of it. >>>>>>
Frozen bananas would be great! Frozen grapes! Carrots ( very chewy ! ). Less stress. More calm from the parents. Less focus on food.
<<<<<<<<<<<<He
doesn't seem to get a stop eating signal. He will eat until his
stomach hurts and still want to eat more.>>>>>>>>>>
Every time? or just when he is stressed? or when you guys say something about food and weight? or asthma?
Or in new situation?
I have heard other parents say that and I knew their kids and could tell it was just the parents worrying and being stressed about food making the child stressed.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<I am not sure if that is because of the sensory cravings, or if it is an allergy issue or if he just can't tell when he is full. Portion sizes have been a problem, and that is my issue not his, so he has been overeating regularly. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Every time? or just when he is stressed? or when you guys say something about food and weight? or asthma?
Or in new situation?
I have heard other parents say that and I knew their kids and could tell it was just the parents worrying and being stressed about food making the child stressed.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<I am not sure if that is because of the sensory cravings, or if it is an allergy issue or if he just can't tell when he is full. Portion sizes have been a problem, and that is my issue not his, so he has been overeating regularly. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Always? He never stops eating? Never says no to food? Overeating means he eats more than you think he should?
if you let him keep eating until he pukes, will he do it? Do you always have to tell him to stop eating?
if you let him keep eating until he pukes, will he do it? Do you always have to tell him to stop eating?
<<<<<<<<<<<<I am
offering smaller portions and asking him to wait ten minutes before
getting more food. He is not always happy about that but we get on with
fun things and the urge to keep eating usually passes by the time the
ten minutes is up and if it doesn't then we know he really is still
hungry and we get him more food. This doesn't feel like the greatest
solution.>>>>>>>>>>>
I think it is ok to make a plate with smaller portions and them give him a little more and if he is still hungry bring him some more salad, carrots, watermelon, celery, and other good stuff to chew on.
So instead of saying no more. Bring him a big monkey platter with those kind of options and let him eat as much as he wants. Don't say anything about not eating or getting fat or weight!
Say Hey I am going to make you a huge plate!
Bring a monkey platter with some celery, apples. carrots, and even some protein and let him go at it.
I think it is ok to make a plate with smaller portions and them give him a little more and if he is still hungry bring him some more salad, carrots, watermelon, celery, and other good stuff to chew on.
So instead of saying no more. Bring him a big monkey platter with those kind of options and let him eat as much as he wants. Don't say anything about not eating or getting fat or weight!
Say Hey I am going to make you a huge plate!
Bring a monkey platter with some celery, apples. carrots, and even some protein and let him go at it.
<<<<<<<<<<<<The
other problem has been me. It has been shocking to me, over the last
year, to realize how much anxiety about food I have been carrying
around. I offer too much food, and I offer too often. I am being
mindful of that kink in my thinking and trying to take more of a don't
offer don't refuse approach to food. I think I need to be a lot more
neutral.>>>>
I don;t think it is the offering that is bad but the anxiety that comes with it. If you just place a monkey platter in the counter and let him eat without between meals without saying anything ? what would happen in the long term?
I have seen parents control portions and what their kids eat and then turn around and tell them to finish their food or take another bite!
Very contradictory messages!
I don;t think it is the offering that is bad but the anxiety that comes with it. If you just place a monkey platter in the counter and let him eat without between meals without saying anything ? what would happen in the long term?
I have seen parents control portions and what their kids eat and then turn around and tell them to finish their food or take another bite!
Very contradictory messages!
<<<<<<<<<<<We
are making small changes to the way we all eat. I am trying to make
lots of small mindful choices about the food I buy and the meals I cook.
My wife and I are both trying to be more aware of the food choices and
eating habits we are modelling to our son. >>>>>>>>
That is great!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<I
have spoken to my son about the need for him to lose weight and
explained that to lose weight he needs to eat fewer high energy foods.
He very badly wants his asthma to be better. But he is four and very
often chooses to eat sweets. We are, reluctantly, saying no sometimes
when he wants sweets. This does not feel good or right and it is
causing distress. But it also feels irresponsible to allow him to eat
sweets several times a day when the consequences of him not losing
weight would be so serious. Please help me see more choices.>>>>>>>>
It is a HUGE burden to a 4 year old child to think about weight and their illness/condition.
He should not be even thinking about weight gain at all!.
Go ahead and cook healthy meals. model. offer great low cal and fulfilling snacks but I am going to tell you that eating and feeling guilty about it is the worse thing ever. I know because I felt it.
I remember the first time my mom talked about eating and getting fat and how you always have to be on a diet or you will be fat. I never ate another cake at a birthday party without having that in the back of my mind. The guilt! Not healthy!
It is a HUGE burden to a 4 year old child to think about weight and their illness/condition.
He should not be even thinking about weight gain at all!.
Go ahead and cook healthy meals. model. offer great low cal and fulfilling snacks but I am going to tell you that eating and feeling guilty about it is the worse thing ever. I know because I felt it.
I remember the first time my mom talked about eating and getting fat and how you always have to be on a diet or you will be fat. I never ate another cake at a birthday party without having that in the back of my mind. The guilt! Not healthy!
<<<<<<<<<<<<There
have been a lot of bad moments in the last few months. Too much
trauma, fear and stress, and too much change. In every other area of
our life I am trying to offer him ways to feel strong and powerful and
help him recover from the helplessness and fear of the last few months.
Losing weight is his goal. Managing his asthma better is his goal. I
want to support him and not make losing weight something that is being
done to him. >>>>>>>>>
Losing weight is not his goal. All kids want to be healthy and happy to enjoy life without someone telling them he will get asthma and could die if he eats a second banana. You are right! Too much stress.
I know you said that he gained weight but how seriously heavy is this child?
Can you guys get more active and have more fun?
Can you lighten up and bring/make more great snacks/food for the WHOLE family?
Can you get a second opinion to figure what is triggering his asthma and work on that?
Losing weight is not his goal. All kids want to be healthy and happy to enjoy life without someone telling them he will get asthma and could die if he eats a second banana. You are right! Too much stress.
I know you said that he gained weight but how seriously heavy is this child?
Can you guys get more active and have more fun?
Can you lighten up and bring/make more great snacks/food for the WHOLE family?
Can you get a second opinion to figure what is triggering his asthma and work on that?
Wishing all the best !
Alex Polikowsky
PS most kids I know that have asthma are not heavy , quite the contrary by the way,
On Wednesday, September 10, 2014 9:03 AM, "Rach rachk2000@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
You are entitled to change doctors, and even hospitals and consultants in the UK and ask for second opinions.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
OH and if he is in steroids that Is HUGE!
They can gain a LOT of weight from steroid use!
They can gain a LOT of weight from steroid use!
Alex Polikowsky
On Wednesday, September 10, 2014 11:08 AM, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
<<<<<<<<<<<<but things got clearer and we moved past our
fears. >>>>>>>>
If you re-read your post you will see that you have NOT moved past your fears. They are all there! There is this very tangible stressful tone to how you relate to food and your child.
Wishing all the best !
If you re-read your post you will see that you have NOT moved past your fears. They are all there! There is this very tangible stressful tone to how you relate to food and your child.
<<<<<<<<<<<<But,
we have continued to have problems with food and Alexander has slowly
gained weight all year. I have waited and watched, made small changes
and tried to see clearly what was happening. I have been worried about
his weight increasing but felt that it was best to take our time and
understand what was happening before we considered intervening or making
any big changes. >>>>>>>>>>>
Is the stress in your home only about food and asthma? ( And trust me I know our kids health can be stressful)?
Any thing else bringing stress or big changes? New sibling? Big move??
Is the stress in your home only about food and asthma? ( And trust me I know our kids health can be stressful)?
Any thing else bringing stress or big changes? New sibling? Big move??
<<<<<<<<<<<Now
he has developed asthma and I feel that I have run out of time to
unpick the issues we are having with food. The health care
professionals are worried about his weigh because it will make it harder
to manage his asthma.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
As someone with asthma and overweight I will say that it is
not the weight! It is how active you are, the allergies around , the weather, stress, getting a bad cold,
even what kind of heat you have in the house! What triggers asthma is different from person to person! Even a cleaner can trigger your asthma!
The other day I was in a County Fair public restroom and a cleaning lady walked in and sprayed the sink next to me with a very strong cleaner. Instantly I felt it burn and I knew it could trigger my asthma. IT did.
The difference between me and a 4 year old is that I may be more aware of what will trigger my asthma and avoid or be more prepared.
Weight has never had ANY influence in how my asthma is. Now being more active , even if 30 pounds heavier) does help me a lot.
More bike rides, more walks, more time on a playground, more swimming, more jumping on a trampoline, more playing ball or tag...
I would do more that ! For fun! Laughing! Better than focusing on his weight.
The other day I was in a County Fair public restroom and a cleaning lady walked in and sprayed the sink next to me with a very strong cleaner. Instantly I felt it burn and I knew it could trigger my asthma. IT did.
The difference between me and a 4 year old is that I may be more aware of what will trigger my asthma and avoid or be more prepared.
Weight has never had ANY influence in how my asthma is. Now being more active , even if 30 pounds heavier) does help me a lot.
More bike rides, more walks, more time on a playground, more swimming, more jumping on a trampoline, more playing ball or tag...
I would do more that ! For fun! Laughing! Better than focusing on his weight.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< If his weight does not come down there will be
increasingly serious consequences for us all. I do not want dietitians
and social workers to be a part of out lives. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Is he that overweight? Is he husky? How do you and your wife eat? Are you bigger people ( is it genetic?)
Is he that overweight? Is he husky? How do you and your wife eat? Are you bigger people ( is it genetic?)
<<<<<<<<<So, I need help seeing the whole situation clearly, and I need creative ideas to move forward with.>>>>>>>>>>
Play more. Relax, Make sure lots of healthy things are available and being offered! Instead of telling him just one banana get him busy! Play with him. Say: Lets play hide and seek! lets go to the pool. The more he feels he cannot eat more ( and he probably may still be hungry) the more he will focus on food. give him some carrots if he is still hungry!
So offer MORE food ( low calorie and fiber) not less. Make lots of yummy foods that fill up and are not super high calories.
Make sure he is getting some protein and fat ( not just sugar /carbohydrates ) to balance his blood sugar and hunger.
When I was a little girl ( and not overweight ) I was hungry and ate A LOT!.
Feeling guilty about eating one more banana and focusing on weight would have me thinking of food 24 hours a day and feeling guilty most of those hours. Plus I am sure I would sneak food because I really did feel hungry.
Play more. Relax, Make sure lots of healthy things are available and being offered! Instead of telling him just one banana get him busy! Play with him. Say: Lets play hide and seek! lets go to the pool. The more he feels he cannot eat more ( and he probably may still be hungry) the more he will focus on food. give him some carrots if he is still hungry!
So offer MORE food ( low calorie and fiber) not less. Make lots of yummy foods that fill up and are not super high calories.
Make sure he is getting some protein and fat ( not just sugar /carbohydrates ) to balance his blood sugar and hunger.
When I was a little girl ( and not overweight ) I was hungry and ate A LOT!.
Feeling guilty about eating one more banana and focusing on weight would have me thinking of food 24 hours a day and feeling guilty most of those hours. Plus I am sure I would sneak food because I really did feel hungry.
<<<<<Here
are my best guesses on why he has gained weight. The asthma has been
creeping up on him for a year, the same length of time his weight has
been increasing. I don't think that is a coincidence. The steady build
up of asthma and allergy symptoms (tomatoes and dust as well as egg)
have made him less and less active. >>>>>>>>>>>>>
Could be. Less active more weight gain but I don;t think more weight gain more asthma.
The relationship between being active and less asthma is that people who have a better cardiovascular system and a more develop lungs can oxygenate their blood better. So even if you still have asthma your body is able to use and get more oxygen. I hope I am explaining that right!
That is why kids with asthma were told to do swimming!
Could be. Less active more weight gain but I don;t think more weight gain more asthma.
The relationship between being active and less asthma is that people who have a better cardiovascular system and a more develop lungs can oxygenate their blood better. So even if you still have asthma your body is able to use and get more oxygen. I hope I am explaining that right!
That is why kids with asthma were told to do swimming!
<<<<<<<<<<<<He
often struggles to manage and cope with sensory stimulation levels,
which is not generally a problem because we can adjust things to meet
his needs but he seeks oral stimulation a lot.>>>
Gums? xylitol gums( good for teeth and low calorie and still sweet)?
<<<<<<<< He is also rather emotionally sensitive and eats to buffer transitions and to manage anxiety. I offer cups of ice chips, sensory chews and frozen teething rings preemptively to try to satisfy his need for icy things and things to chew. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. He can't, for instance, cope with getting on a train without eating. I carry a banana and nobody makes a big deal of it. >>>>>>
Frozen bananas would be great! Frozen grapes! Carrots ( very chewy ! ). Less stress. More calm from the parents. Less focus on food.
Gums? xylitol gums( good for teeth and low calorie and still sweet)?
<<<<<<<< He is also rather emotionally sensitive and eats to buffer transitions and to manage anxiety. I offer cups of ice chips, sensory chews and frozen teething rings preemptively to try to satisfy his need for icy things and things to chew. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. He can't, for instance, cope with getting on a train without eating. I carry a banana and nobody makes a big deal of it. >>>>>>
Frozen bananas would be great! Frozen grapes! Carrots ( very chewy ! ). Less stress. More calm from the parents. Less focus on food.
<<<<<<<<<<<<He
doesn't seem to get a stop eating signal. He will eat until his
stomach hurts and still want to eat more.>>>>>>>>>>
Every time? or just when he is stressed? or when you guys say something about food and weight? or asthma?
Or in new situation?
I have heard other parents say that and I knew their kids and could tell it was just the parents worrying and being stressed about food making the child stressed.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<I am not sure if that is because of the sensory cravings, or if it is an allergy issue or if he just can't tell when he is full. Portion sizes have been a problem, and that is my issue not his, so he has been overeating regularly. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Every time? or just when he is stressed? or when you guys say something about food and weight? or asthma?
Or in new situation?
I have heard other parents say that and I knew their kids and could tell it was just the parents worrying and being stressed about food making the child stressed.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<I am not sure if that is because of the sensory cravings, or if it is an allergy issue or if he just can't tell when he is full. Portion sizes have been a problem, and that is my issue not his, so he has been overeating regularly. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Always? He never stops eating? Never says no to food? Overeating means he eats more than you think he should?
if you let him keep eating until he pukes, will he do it? Do you always have to tell him to stop eating?
if you let him keep eating until he pukes, will he do it? Do you always have to tell him to stop eating?
<<<<<<<<<<<<I am
offering smaller portions and asking him to wait ten minutes before
getting more food. He is not always happy about that but we get on with
fun things and the urge to keep eating usually passes by the time the
ten minutes is up and if it doesn't then we know he really is still
hungry and we get him more food. This doesn't feel like the greatest
solution.>>>>>>>>>>>
I think it is ok to make a plate with smaller portions and them give him a little more and if he is still hungry bring him some more salad, carrots, watermelon, celery, and other good stuff to chew on.
So instead of saying no more. Bring him a big monkey platter with those kind of options and let him eat as much as he wants. Don't say anything about not eating or getting fat or weight!
Say Hey I am going to make you a huge plate!
Bring a monkey platter with some celery, apples. carrots, and even some protein and let him go at it.
I think it is ok to make a plate with smaller portions and them give him a little more and if he is still hungry bring him some more salad, carrots, watermelon, celery, and other good stuff to chew on.
So instead of saying no more. Bring him a big monkey platter with those kind of options and let him eat as much as he wants. Don't say anything about not eating or getting fat or weight!
Say Hey I am going to make you a huge plate!
Bring a monkey platter with some celery, apples. carrots, and even some protein and let him go at it.
<<<<<<<<<<<<The
other problem has been me. It has been shocking to me, over the last
year, to realize how much anxiety about food I have been carrying
around. I offer too much food, and I offer too often. I am being
mindful of that kink in my thinking and trying to take more of a don't
offer don't refuse approach to food. I think I need to be a lot more
neutral.>>>>
I don;t think it is the offering that is bad but the anxiety that comes with it. If you just place a monkey platter in the counter and let him eat without between meals without saying anything ? what would happen in the long term?
I have seen parents control portions and what their kids eat and then turn around and tell them to finish their food or take another bite!
Very contradictory messages!
I don;t think it is the offering that is bad but the anxiety that comes with it. If you just place a monkey platter in the counter and let him eat without between meals without saying anything ? what would happen in the long term?
I have seen parents control portions and what their kids eat and then turn around and tell them to finish their food or take another bite!
Very contradictory messages!
<<<<<<<<<<<We
are making small changes to the way we all eat. I am trying to make
lots of small mindful choices about the food I buy and the meals I cook.
My wife and I are both trying to be more aware of the food choices and
eating habits we are modelling to our son. >>>>>>>>
That is great!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<I
have spoken to my son about the need for him to lose weight and
explained that to lose weight he needs to eat fewer high energy foods.
He very badly wants his asthma to be better. But he is four and very
often chooses to eat sweets. We are, reluctantly, saying no sometimes
when he wants sweets. This does not feel good or right and it is
causing distress. But it also feels irresponsible to allow him to eat
sweets several times a day when the consequences of him not losing
weight would be so serious. Please help me see more choices.>>>>>>>>
It is a HUGE burden to a 4 year old child to think about weight and their illness/condition.
He should not be even thinking about weight gain at all!.
Go ahead and cook healthy meals. model. offer great low cal and fulfilling snacks but I am going to tell you that eating and feeling guilty about it is the worse thing ever. I know because I felt it.
I remember the first time my mom talked about eating and getting fat and how you always have to be on a diet or you will be fat. I never ate another cake at a birthday party without having that in the back of my mind. The guilt! Not healthy!
It is a HUGE burden to a 4 year old child to think about weight and their illness/condition.
He should not be even thinking about weight gain at all!.
Go ahead and cook healthy meals. model. offer great low cal and fulfilling snacks but I am going to tell you that eating and feeling guilty about it is the worse thing ever. I know because I felt it.
I remember the first time my mom talked about eating and getting fat and how you always have to be on a diet or you will be fat. I never ate another cake at a birthday party without having that in the back of my mind. The guilt! Not healthy!
<<<<<<<<<<<<There
have been a lot of bad moments in the last few months. Too much
trauma, fear and stress, and too much change. In every other area of
our life I am trying to offer him ways to feel strong and powerful and
help him recover from the helplessness and fear of the last few months.
Losing weight is his goal. Managing his asthma better is his goal. I
want to support him and not make losing weight something that is being
done to him. >>>>>>>>>
Losing weight is not his goal. All kids want to be healthy and happy to enjoy life without someone telling them he will get asthma and could die if he eats a second banana. You are right! Too much stress.
I know you said that he gained weight but how seriously heavy is this child?
Can you guys get more active and have more fun?
Can you lighten up and bring/make more great snacks/food for the WHOLE family?
Can you get a second opinion to figure what is triggering his asthma and work on that?
Losing weight is not his goal. All kids want to be healthy and happy to enjoy life without someone telling them he will get asthma and could die if he eats a second banana. You are right! Too much stress.
I know you said that he gained weight but how seriously heavy is this child?
Can you guys get more active and have more fun?
Can you lighten up and bring/make more great snacks/food for the WHOLE family?
Can you get a second opinion to figure what is triggering his asthma and work on that?
Wishing all the best !
Alex Polikowsky
PS most kids I know that have asthma are not heavy , quite the contrary by the way,
On Wednesday, September 10, 2014 9:03 AM, "Rach rachk2000@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
You are entitled to change doctors, and even hospitals and consultants in the UK and ask for second opinions.
Miriam Pinheiro
When my son was five he was diagnosed with vesicourteral reflex. His doctor put him on an antibiotic for a year. Right after that he started gaining a lot of weight. Are you aware that antibiotics can cause weight gain?
Gwen Montoya
Both of my daughters have asthma and their dad has asthma (which means I have been supporting people I love with their asthma for over twenty years). My youngest (now 7) was hospitalized twice (once right before she turned two and again a few months afterwards). They are both on daily maintenance inhalers (which means they need to use them every day to keep their asthma under control).
Here's what I've learned:
If your child requires daily maintenance, then it is extremely important, BUT there are different medications and some work better for others. My oldest tried two different daily medications before finding one that worked well enough to control her asthma (to her doctors, "control" means using her rescue inhaler less than once a week).
It wasn't until she saw an allergist that I even knew there were different kinds of daily medication. As soon as she switched to the one that worked for her, her asthma was immediately better. But the medication that didn't work for oldest works fine for my youngest.
It wasn't until she saw an allergist that I even knew there were different kinds of daily medication. As soon as she switched to the one that worked for her, her asthma was immediately better. But the medication that didn't work for oldest works fine for my youngest.
There are different things that can trigger asthma issues. When my kids' dad lived with us, he had to leave the house before I could vacuum. My kids' asthma can be triggered by pollen, weather changes, seasons, pets, and colds.
Finding a way to help your son manage his asthma (and at this age, it is really you managing it, not him) in a peaceful, relaxed way is really important. My kids use a spacer, which I'm told is very important. Some models just have a mouthpiece, but theirs covers their nose and mouth, which helps ensure the medicine is getting into their lungs. I also have them take five deeps breaths every time they use it. And we decorated it with stickers.
Gwen
<<<<<<<<<<<Now he has developed asthma and I feel that I have run out of time to unpick the issues we are having with food. The health care professionals are worried about his weigh because it will make it harder to manage his asthma.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>_,_._,___
fishbeensnail@...
Thank you. We will be reading through everything that has been written repeatedly. It has already helped us feel calmer.
Alexander was 26kg the last time he was weighed in hospital. On his first admission a few weeks earlier he was more than 2kg lighter so yeah the steroids have had an effect. He is a little taller than average for his age but he is still obese on their charts.
There is one particular doctor, who I will be trying to avoid seeing ever again, who lectured me for a long time about his weight. Wanted me to get a scale and weigh him regularly, insisted that his recent weight gain was not because of steroids and tried to tell me that activity levels have nothing to do with weight. She was not helpful and it has ramped up my stress levels quite a lot to have that medical voice in my head. Your calm words are helping me turn away from that.
Dust is the biggest trigger, 'though food allergies, pollen and pet dander are probably playing a part. Putting an encasement on the mattress made a dramatic difference overnight. And the preventer meds seem to be working now. We are getting the help we need to unpick Alexander's triggers and understand how his asthma effects him. I don't think his weight is the biggest exacerbating factor and I also think fitness if far more important than weight to health generally and asthma particularly, but there is a great deal of hysteria in the medical profession about overweight and obesity and we are going to keep hearing about his weight. It was wrong of us to let our fears about medical intervention be our focus and to let that lead us back in the wrong direction.
His weight is very much a symptom of our anxiety. Our focus needs to be on shedding the anxiety and moving in a better direction again. We will find tai chi videos on youtube and I do not doubt that Alexander will want to join us. That sounds like a lot of fun. Mindfulness speaks very strongly to Alexander and he enthusiastically employs calm deep breathing and being fully in the present moment to help him with all sorts of daily situations like crossing the road, getting to sleep and going to the toilet. It really works for him.
We aren't as much of a mess as this tangle makes us sound. Or maybe we are, but it doesn't have to be that way. Food is where we fall down. It's where we put our anxiety and stress. You are quite right to point out that we have not moved past our fears. We had come a long way but this has put us right back where we were a year ago. The change wasn't deep enough. If it had been true and solid and rooted in us we wouldn't have sprung back into this pit of food stress so quickly.
Now that his chest is not tight all the time he is becoming more active again and his fitness levels are increasing. We have always loved active games. Racing, chasing, swimming and play fighting. Huge nurf gun fights!. His trampoline and space hopper are very popular and we love to sing and dance together. Even gaming isn't sedentary. Nothing like trolling each other in minecraft or disney infinity and laughing hysterically to raise our heart rates and leave us proper breathless! Being active and big strong vigorous movement is an area of joy, not anxiety. The drop in his activity levels was quite gradual and with hindsight it makes more sense in the light of slowly building asthma symptoms.
I am going to keep losing weight and managing asthma off his radar. We need to go back to saying yes and offering lots of good things.
No, he does not always overeat. And the stomach pain may well have been because of allergy rather than overeating. I was being unfair. That's fear and muddy thinking talking. He overeats when he senses stress and anxiety from us. He overeats when I offer him food because I am feeling anxious, when I confuse love and sugar, and always when there is disapproval and attempts to control and limit food. Also when he is bored or understimulated. None of that is good and none of it is helped by trying to fix him.
His issues with texture and strong flavours is real, as are his sensory cravings, but I suspect even that will improve as the anxiety ebbs. Hard to be adventurous with food when it feels so stressful to us all. I will stick to offering smaller portions but not tense up when he wants more. I think smaller portions are good because that supports him in eating mindfully. I think offering ice and chew stix and low calory bulky grazing foods are good.
When my wife struggled to let go of control over tooth brushing and hair washing, I helped her. When I got stressed about Alexander not wanting to socialize with other kids, she talked me through it and settled me down. Food is the hang up we share, and so we aren't helpful to each other. Thank you for helping us both and giving us so many fresh good ideas. I am grateful to this list every day, but never more than today.
Sandra Dodd
I wish I had written this. I'm glad Tara did:
_______
He is 4. Stop trying to fix him.
If you are surrounded by experts who tell you you must fix him to protect him, then find new experts (and keep learning until you become the expert).
________
I've been away from the discussion for nearly a whole day. I hope othes have pointed out the relationship(s) between asthma and pressure, and asthma and stress.
Be his partner, not his critic and his repairman.
The amount of damage you could do to him if you don't back away is WAY worse than "overweight at four" could ever be.
Now I hope to read lots of people less doomsaying than I am (or tha nthe original poster was).
Sandra
Joyce Fetteroll
Paul Lam got a lot of good reviews on Amazon. He has his first instructional DVD for free on YouTube.
http://youtu.be/hIOHGrYCEJ4
It was sometimes hard to tell what the feet were doing or when to breathe but he has a clear voice and goes slowly.
The one I like better is Scott Cole Discover Tai Chi Am-Pm Workouts. (Which is easier than his Beginning Tai Chi video.) All the moves are traditional -- at least they have traditional names ;-) -- but the 2 routines are easier than Paul Lam's. It's more focused on relaxation rather than traditional forms.
The Tai Chi is nice and slow. There's an instructional part but the moves are pretty simple.
The 2 meditations are nice too. It's sort of yoga and meditation.
I know you said your budget is tight but there are some 3rd party sellers selling it pretty cheaply.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Discover-Tai-Chi-Am-Pm-Workouts/dp/B001OSC4F6/
Joyce
http://youtu.be/hIOHGrYCEJ4
It was sometimes hard to tell what the feet were doing or when to breathe but he has a clear voice and goes slowly.
The one I like better is Scott Cole Discover Tai Chi Am-Pm Workouts. (Which is easier than his Beginning Tai Chi video.) All the moves are traditional -- at least they have traditional names ;-) -- but the 2 routines are easier than Paul Lam's. It's more focused on relaxation rather than traditional forms.
The Tai Chi is nice and slow. There's an instructional part but the moves are pretty simple.
The 2 meditations are nice too. It's sort of yoga and meditation.
I know you said your budget is tight but there are some 3rd party sellers selling it pretty cheaply.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Discover-Tai-Chi-Am-Pm-Workouts/dp/B001OSC4F6/
Joyce
tania
my son was 29 kilos a year ago, when he was 4.5 years old. he is
taller than the average 4 or 5 year old but on the weight chart his
weight was not even written. so he was overweight considering all
standards. and he always was, since birth.
he was very active - physically, beautiful and extremly healthy.
now he is 5.5, lost several kilos and is suddenly just the right weight for his height. he is still very active, beautiful and healthy.
try to keep "the weight issue" out of the "issue-box". he has asthma, that is an illness. being considered something by someone is not.
he was very active - physically, beautiful and extremly healthy.
now he is 5.5, lost several kilos and is suddenly just the right weight for his height. he is still very active, beautiful and healthy.
try to keep "the weight issue" out of the "issue-box". he has asthma, that is an illness. being considered something by someone is not.
Am 10/09/2014 21:03, schrieb
fishbeensnail@... [AlwaysLearning]:
Thank you. We will be reading through everything that has been written repeatedly. It has already helped us feel calmer.
Alexander was 26kg the last time he was weighed in hospital. On his first admission a few weeks earlier he was more than 2kg lighter so yeah the steroids have had an effect. He is a little taller than average for his age but he is still obese on their charts.
There is one particular doctor, who I will be trying to avoid seeing ever again, who lectured me for a long time about his weight. Wanted me to get a scale and weigh him regularly, insisted that his recent weight gain was not because of steroids and tried to tell me that activity levels have nothing to do with weight. She was not helpful and it has ramped up my stress levels quite a lot to have that medical voice in my head. Your calm words are helping me turn away from that.
Dust is the biggest trigger, 'though food allergies, pollen and pet dander are probably playing a part. Putting an encasement on the mattress made a dramatic difference overnight. And the preventer meds seem to be working now. We are getting the help we need to unpick Alexander's triggers and understand how his asthma effects him. I don't think his weight is the biggest exacerbating factor and I also think fitness if far more important than weight to health generally and asthma particularly, but there is a great deal of hysteria in the medical profession about overweight and obesity and we are going to keep hearing about his weight. It was wrong of us to let our fears about medical intervention be our focus and to let that lead us back in the wrong direction.
His weight is very much a symptom of our anxiety. Our focus needs to be on shedding the anxiety and moving in a better direction again. We will find tai chi videos on youtube and I do not doubt that Alexander will want to join us. That sounds like a lot of fun. Mindfulness speaks very strongly to Alexander and he enthusiastically employs calm deep breathing and being fully in the present moment to help him with all sorts of daily situations like crossing the road, getting to sleep and going to the toilet. It really works for him.
We aren't as much of a mess as this tangle makes us sound. Or maybe we are, but it doesn't have to be that way. Food is where we fall down. It's where we put our anxiety and stress. You are quite right to point out that we have not moved past our fears. We had come a long way but this has put us right back where we were a year ago. The change wasn't deep enough. If it had been true and solid and rooted in us we wouldn't have sprung back into this pit of food stress so quickly.
Now that his chest is not tight all the time he is becoming more active again and his fitness levels are increasing. We have always loved active games. Racing, chasing, swimming and play fighting. Huge nurf gun fights!. His trampoline and space hopper are very popular and we love to sing and dance together. Even gaming isn't sedentary. Nothing like trolling each other in minecraft or disney infinity and laughing hysterically to raise our heart rates and leave us proper breathless! Being active and big strong vigorous movement is an area of joy, not anxiety. The drop in his activity levels was quite gradual and with hindsight it makes more sense in the light of slowly building asthma symptoms.
I am going to keep losing weight and managing asthma off his radar. We need to go back to saying yes and offering lots of good things.
No, he does not always overeat. And the stomach pain may well have been because of allergy rather than overeating. I was being unfair. That's fear and muddy thinking talking. He overeats when he senses stress and anxiety from us. He overeats when I offer him food because I am feeling anxious, when I confuse love and sugar, and always when there is disapproval and attempts to control and limit food. Also when he is bored or understimulated. None of that is good and none of it is helped by trying to fix him.
His issues with texture and strong flavours is real, as are his sensory cravings, but I suspect even that will improve as the anxiety ebbs. Hard to be adventurous with food when it feels so stressful to us all. I will stick to offering smaller portions but not tense up when he wants more. I think smaller portions are good because that supports him in eating mindfully. I think offering ice and chew stix and low calory bulky grazing foods are good.
When my wife struggled to let go of control over tooth brushing and hair washing, I helped her. When I got stressed about Alexander not wanting to socialize with other kids, she talked me through it and settled me down. Food is the hang up we share, and so we aren't helpful to each other. Thank you for helping us both and giving us so many fresh good ideas. I am grateful to this list every day, but never more than today.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
My daughter just walked by the wall we mark their height!
She is 8 years old and we measured her 3 weeks ago. She really likes to measure how much she is growing!
This last couple weeks she has been eating a lot and always hungry and asking for more food.
She slowed down the last two days on that but a week ago it was constant hunger and eating,
SHe grew 3/4 of an inch! That is a huge jump in three weeks.
She is 8 years old
My son was always over the over the charts in height. At 12 months he was 30 pounds! ( 14 kilos)
He is a slender kid but he weighs a lot too. Big bones ( size 11 shoes at 12)?
We never looked at the chart! Because we look at him!
He looks exactly like his dad ( his body) down to the toes!
Does your child look like you guys?
Steroids are well known for making people gain weight but I think stress and pressure and feelings of guilt do a much more serious damage.
When you are stressed your body does produce hormones that will promote appetite and weight gain. It is a matter of staying alive. Having all the resources in a stressful situation and the body wants to make sure you have reserves for any kind of hunger situation or a situation where you need lots of extra energy.
I see you rectified your statement that he does not know when he is full.
It is all how you are seeing it because you have this idea of how much he should be eating.
I think you , and maybe your and your spouse, should really look into why you have so many issues with food.
This seems to be a big one at least for you.
Do you think that if you control what he eats and put him in a diet and teach him to eat the "right way" he will always do it?
or he won;t have weight problems or health problems?
Ask yourself. Those are rhetorical questions.
I love the way my kids relate to food. IT is so much healthier than the way I do !
They eat when they want, how much they want, and STOP because they feel like it!
I used to eat and feel guilty and eat more and feel terrible and I did not stop until all the candy was gone!
My kids have stashes of candy in the house. Sure they eat it. But it is so different ! They stop!
I wish I was like them! I am better than I was but I don;t think I will ever be the same.
I have worked hard in not bringing to them any baggage from my upbringing or negative influences.
I have chosen to shut up when I felt like making a comment that was not helpful, sweet or supportive in relationship to their choices in eating.
At the same time I have tried to provide a variety of foods and new ones and old favorites. I am not a creative cook or even a good one.
Read this link and follow the other links in this page AGAIN if you have not!
The Full Plate Club
She is 8 years old and we measured her 3 weeks ago. She really likes to measure how much she is growing!
This last couple weeks she has been eating a lot and always hungry and asking for more food.
She slowed down the last two days on that but a week ago it was constant hunger and eating,
SHe grew 3/4 of an inch! That is a huge jump in three weeks.
She is 8 years old
My son was always over the over the charts in height. At 12 months he was 30 pounds! ( 14 kilos)
He is a slender kid but he weighs a lot too. Big bones ( size 11 shoes at 12)?
We never looked at the chart! Because we look at him!
He looks exactly like his dad ( his body) down to the toes!
Does your child look like you guys?
Steroids are well known for making people gain weight but I think stress and pressure and feelings of guilt do a much more serious damage.
When you are stressed your body does produce hormones that will promote appetite and weight gain. It is a matter of staying alive. Having all the resources in a stressful situation and the body wants to make sure you have reserves for any kind of hunger situation or a situation where you need lots of extra energy.
I see you rectified your statement that he does not know when he is full.
It is all how you are seeing it because you have this idea of how much he should be eating.
I think you , and maybe your and your spouse, should really look into why you have so many issues with food.
This seems to be a big one at least for you.
Do you think that if you control what he eats and put him in a diet and teach him to eat the "right way" he will always do it?
or he won;t have weight problems or health problems?
Ask yourself. Those are rhetorical questions.
I love the way my kids relate to food. IT is so much healthier than the way I do !
They eat when they want, how much they want, and STOP because they feel like it!
I used to eat and feel guilty and eat more and feel terrible and I did not stop until all the candy was gone!
My kids have stashes of candy in the house. Sure they eat it. But it is so different ! They stop!
I wish I was like them! I am better than I was but I don;t think I will ever be the same.
I have worked hard in not bringing to them any baggage from my upbringing or negative influences.
I have chosen to shut up when I felt like making a comment that was not helpful, sweet or supportive in relationship to their choices in eating.
At the same time I have tried to provide a variety of foods and new ones and old favorites. I am not a creative cook or even a good one.
Read this link and follow the other links in this page AGAIN if you have not!
The Full Plate Club
Alex Polikowsky
On Wednesday, September 10, 2014 2:03
PM, "fishbeensnail@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
Thank you. We will be reading through everything that has been written repeatedly. It has already helped us feel calmer.
Alexander was 26kg the last time he was weighed in hospital. On his first admission a few weeks earlier he was more than 2kg lighter so yeah the steroids have had an effect. He is a little taller than average for his age but he is still obese on their charts.
There is one particular doctor, who I will be trying to avoid seeing ever again, who lectured me for a long time about his weight. Wanted me to get a scale and weigh him regularly, insisted that his recent weight gain was not because of steroids and tried to tell me that activity levels have nothing to do with weight. She
was not helpful and it has ramped up my stress levels quite a lot to have that medical voice in my head. Your calm words are helping me turn away from that.
Dust is the biggest trigger, 'though food allergies, pollen and pet dander are probably playing a part. Putting an encasement on the mattress made a dramatic difference overnight. And the preventer meds seem to be working now. We are getting the help we need to unpick Alexander's triggers and understand how his asthma effects him. I don't think his weight is the biggest exacerbating factor and I also think fitness if far more important than weight to health generally and asthma particularly, but there is a great deal of hysteria in the medical profession about overweight and obesity and we are going to keep hearing about his weight. It was wrong of us to let our fears
about medical intervention be our focus and to let that lead us back in the wrong direction.
His weight is very much a symptom of our anxiety. Our focus needs to be on shedding the anxiety and moving in a better direction again. We will find tai chi videos on youtube and I do not doubt that Alexander will want to join us. That sounds like a lot of fun. Mindfulness speaks very strongly to Alexander and he enthusiastically employs calm deep breathing and being fully in the present moment to help him with all sorts of daily situations like crossing the road, getting to sleep and going to the toilet. It really works for him.
We aren't as much of a mess as this tangle makes us sound. Or maybe we are, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Food is where we fall down. It's where we put our anxiety and stress. You are quite right to point out that we have not moved past our fears. We had come a long way but this has put us right back where we were a year ago. The change wasn't deep enough. If it had been true and solid and rooted in us we wouldn't have sprung back into this pit of food stress so quickly.
Now that his chest is not tight all the time he is becoming more active again and his fitness levels are increasing. We have always loved active games. Racing, chasing, swimming and play fighting. Huge nurf gun fights!. His trampoline and space hopper are very popular and we love to sing and dance together. Even gaming isn't sedentary. Nothing like trolling each other in minecraft or disney infinity and laughing hysterically to
raise our heart rates and leave us proper breathless! Being active and big strong vigorous movement is an area of joy, not anxiety. The drop in his activity levels was quite gradual and with hindsight it makes more sense in the light of slowly building asthma symptoms.
I am going to keep losing weight and managing asthma off his radar. We need to go back to saying yes and offering lots of good things.
No, he does not always overeat. And the stomach pain may well have been because of allergy rather than overeating. I was being unfair. That's fear and muddy thinking talking. He overeats when he senses stress and anxiety from us. He overeats when I offer him food because I am feeling anxious, when I confuse love and sugar, and
always when there is disapproval and attempts to control and limit food. Also when he is bored or understimulated. None of that is good and none of it is helped by trying to fix him.
His issues with texture and strong flavours is real, as are his sensory cravings, but I suspect even that will improve as the anxiety ebbs. Hard to be adventurous with food when it feels so stressful to us all. I will stick to offering smaller portions but not tense up when he wants more. I think smaller portions are good because that supports him in eating mindfully. I think offering ice and chew stix and low calory bulky grazing foods are good.
When my wife struggled to let go of control over tooth brushing and hair washing, I helped her.
When I got stressed about Alexander not wanting to socialize with other kids, she talked me through it and settled me down. Food is the hang up we share, and so we aren't helpful to each other. Thank you for helping us both and giving us so many fresh good ideas. I am grateful to this list every day, but never more than today.
Gwen Montoya
My kids' dad always gets the munchies when he's on steroids.
As a side note, I'm not a fan of those charts. My oldest is a black belt (classes 3x/week) and very active outside of that also and is the kid who turns down sweets...and a doctor tried to tell me she was overweight & unhealthy. Look at your child, not the numbers.
Gwen
On Sep 10, 2014, at 12:03 PM, "fishbeensnail@...
Alexander was 26kg the last time he was weighed in hospital. On his first admission a few weeks earlier he was more than 2kg lighter so yeah the steroids have had an effect. He is a little taller than average for his age but he is still obese on their charts.
Sandra Dodd
Here's a new, short (15 minute or so) podcast on peace in an unschooling life.
I think peace is what's missing when people are stressed and anxious, so I bet it will help.
http://unschoolingsupport.com/peace/
Sandra
I think peace is what's missing when people are stressed and anxious, so I bet it will help.
http://unschoolingsupport.com/peace/
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=- We are getting the help we need to unpick Alexander's triggers and understand how his asthma effects him-=-
That's the second use of "unpick."
I think UK's "unpick" would be north-American English's "unravel" or "untangle." Please correct me if I'm wrong.
-=-We aren't as much of a mess as this tangle makes us sound. -=-
Two "unpicks" and a tangle?
If you feel trapped and helpless, how much more trapped and helpless must a child feel?
And you told us you have no choice about changing doctors, but two others from the UK have said you do.
Find the exits, rather than standing close to the wall and saying "no choice." Perspective, please. Your child is four years old. He's not old enough to be required to go to school, so what's going on isn't really an unschooling issue, though I'm guessing you do want help seeing ways to support him.
-=-His weight is very much a symptom of our anxiety.-=-
Do you mean to say that your anxiety caused "his weight"?
There is a great deal of confusionin what has been expressed.
It sounds lke there have been stress factors for a long time and there's not clarity about what's what.
Calm should help, if you can find some. As much as you can find. As much peace as you can find.
Sandra
Tara & Sky
This is a trigger topic for me personally. My first response was less than gentle, but it was intended with kindness. :-)
I was raised in a mostly peaceful and very loving home, where (now, looking back, I see that) some people used food and alcohol compulsively. Someone was always trying to fix someone else, and that mentality persists in that home today. There was also a culture (I see now) of "us" vs them, of "belonging" in the family unit, of approval. We were encouraged to be independent and creative compared to our peers or society, but not disruptive to the family.
This made for a lovely, safe, happy childhood and it simultaneously created (in me, at least; I can't speak for my siblings) a struggle to succeed independently in young adulthood and a crippling need for approval from my parents. It was a major contributor to my early marriage and subsequent divorce in my twenties.
My mom asked me at age 8 if I would like to accompany her to Weight Watchers. I believe her intention was to "teach" me to be healthy and to "be a good role model". It was presented as my choice. Of course I said yes! My parents made it clear that it was their job to guide me in my decisions, to keep me safe. If they saw something "wrong" with me, I intended to fix it, because I trusted that if it was important to them, it must be important. Most exciting events in my preteen years forward were preceded by a daydream of what size I would be when the event took place and full of calculations counting down the days and weeks divided by the number of pounds I needed to lose in order to be the "real" me by that time. And if I didn't achieve that "goal", then I was a failure and the event didn't meet my high expectations.
My niece just turned 6 and weighs about 75 lbs. She has been off the charts in height, weight, and head circumference since birth. Her parents are both petite, but her maternal grandmother and great aunts are over 6ft tall and her great uncle is about 6'6". She had a serious dairy/soy allergy until age 2, often woke every 45mins until she 3, vomits when emotionally upset, and has had a few seizures. Her parents are both schoolteachers by trade and constantly monitor in order to (IMO) diagnose her, create an action plan, and develop customized coping mechanisms. They swaddled her until she was 15mos old because they were so terrified of having a "bad night". Then they wondered why she didn't walk until 21mos. They asked doctors at every appointment until she was 5, if they should be worried about her weight. The doctor said, "not yet, not yet, not yet." Then, magically, at 5, it became an issue to keep tabs on, and they began trying to control the compulsive eating habit that they created! At family gatherings, she has at least 2 parents and 2 grandparents monitoring what she eats and reporting back to each other on what and how much she has had and whether she should be stopped from eating more. This is a girl who loves to run, jump on her trampoline, dance and socialize. She doesn't care nearly as much about what she's eating as to be included in the social act of eating because she recognizes that people connect with each other when they eat. It breaks my heart to watch anyone think they need to teach her anything about being a human - if they would only step back and *look at her*, there is so much *they* could learn *from her*.
Until recently, I was heavily involved in my family's business. I fought with my dad constantly, wondering why he didn't understand my perspective. And finally, I realized - he was reacting defensively, because every time I made a mistake (or succeeded in something he didn't agree with) he took it personally. He was so upset with himself for all those things he'd been trying to fix about me for years and had failed. I cannot impart upon you how damaging this was to our relationship, how it inhibited my ability to grow professionally. I was not his project to fix - not when I was 8, or 18, or 36. My learning was my own business.
Deschooling is so much more than moving away from curriculum or grades or tests. It is about recognizing that you have a choice in every moment, and that you learn something *no matter which choice you make*. Unschooling works by removing the idea that learning happens in one choice but not the other, that learning can be caused by teaching. Becoming an expert *on one's self* and finding the power in healing one's self is the key to moving out of the way of another person's learning.
~Tara
On Wed, Sep 10, 2014 at 12:21 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:I wish I had written this. I'm glad Tara did:
_______He is 4. Stop trying to fix him.If you are surrounded by experts who tell you you must fix him to protect him, then find new experts (and keep learning until you become the expert).________I've been away from the discussion for nearly a whole day. I hope othes have pointed out the relationship(s) between asthma and pressure, and asthma and stress.Be his partner, not his critic and his repairman.The amount of damage you could do to him if you don't back away is WAY worse than "overweight at four" could ever be.Now I hope to read lots of people less doomsaying than I am (or tha nthe original poster was).Sandra
Tara & Sky
Here is a link to a Martha Beck article that describes the book I mentioned in an earlier post. The book was invaluable to me as a tool for self exploration and is filled with exercises that I highly recommend. But the article is a good summary to introduce the concept of fight-or-flight eating and how to partner with yourself and your body to "relax the weight off".
This one includes an exercise in recognizing abundance in your life, which reduces the desire to eat for emotional reasons.
~Tara
On Wed, Sep 10, 2014 at 12:42 AM, 'lucy.web' lucy.web@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:Kids, Carrots and Candy is a book that has some practical ideas to help you stop trying to control your child's eating.
Kids, Carrots, and Candy
http://amazon.co.uk/dp/B009U04B60
> On 9 Sep 2014, at 23:41, "fishbeensnail@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> We (my wife and I) are feeling stuck on issues surrounding food and weight.