Sandra Dodd

I'm in the airport in Los Angeles, stuck for hours.
Over the conferences three days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) I was involved in five presentations at the HSC conference.  One panel, and four just me.  I'm pretty sure that's two more than anyone else did.  I got some criticism.

I got praise and thanks, but I got complaints from people who wanted to ramble, who I wanted to shush.  There were off topic questions.  There were crap recommendations, and disputations of simple suggestions (from me, the person the conference flew a long way, and paid, and scheduled five frickin' times) like don't bring negative international news in to the lives of young children.  

I don't see that as a side issue.

Chores (requirement of) isn't a side issue, for me (though that didn't come up until an e-mail today).
Access to computers or tablets isn't a side issue, for me (thought that was suggested to me by someone else involved with the conference).

So I'm tired, that's true.  And I'm in Los Angeles when I should already be nearly to Albuquerque from Phoenix, and that doesn't help.  But I want to share an exchange with an individual who wrote to me by accident.  That happens every week or three, that someone means to forward a Just Add Light e-mail they've received, but they send it to me by accident rather than to the partner or sibling or friend they meant to.

In response to a long-ish quote from something by Julie Daniel, here:

Someone wrote the first line below, and forwarded the whole post.  I quoted her part and responded to it:

-------------------------------------
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
Subject: Re: Shockingly efficient
Date: August 2, 2014 3:49:55 PM PDT
To: [that person]

-=-Just catching up w/email.  Without screens, the kids have been engaged with me and each other...they've been so busy!!-=-

http://sandradodd.com/screentime

I hope you have not "removed screens."
I hope you will cease to use the word, for the sake of clarity of thought.

Sandra
_______________________________

There was some more exchange I will send in the next e-mail.
I wish everyone who wanted to unschool would really work toward it.

That e-mail was from June 1, two months ago.  How much happier would those children's lives be if the mom read Just Add Light every day and really thought about it and followed the link, and incorporated some of those ideas into her life.

Adam Daniel, shown in that post on a ski holiday, uses his own compuer and iPad as much as he wants, and the interview linked from that installment of Just Add Light describes the arrangement at their house, and the engagement he has with his parents because of it.  

I wish every family that has ever expressed interest in the ideas we discuss here could have ALL the benefits of all of it.  And I guess they could, if they themselves draw the ideas in and use them.

Maybe something I sent that mom will make a difference, or maybe she will just complain that I'm too.... something.  Too much something.  Too concerned with side issues.

Sandra



Sandra Dodd

The response to my request NOT to use "screentime" came back.  It's long, four paragraphs, and this is most of the first part.

Wow Sandra,
Thanks for the reply.  I meant to fwd that to my husband, not send it to you, but what a wonderful gift you've given me -- I've forgotten the joy.  I do want my kids to trust themselves, choose what they like and be creators of their world.  One child has an ipad mini and the other a Verizon tablet.  Our 40+ year old brains can never remember what they're called or who has what and the kids are sure to correct us when we use the wrong word so yes, we call them screens.  We took them away for the first time for a few days...they came into our lives while we were [not in their regular home place]  this winter so are fairly new to the whole family.
_______
Then there's more about one child wanting to go to school now, but the other wants to stay home.
"He woke up today and did his chores to earn screen time."

She said she's not as inspired as she used to be.
___________________

My response was this, and it makes me tired.


From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
Subject: Re: Shockingly efficient 
Date: August 4, 2014 4:24:29 PM PDT
To: 

-=- He woke up today and did his chores to earn screen time.-=-

If you wouldn't make him do chores to earn paper time, don't do it.
If you wouldn't make him do chores to earn cloth time, don't do it.

It wasn't encouraging that you wrote that to me after I sent this link, so I'll send it and a few more.  

If you and your husband spent more time with your children, you would know the names of their tablets and would knoe much more about the value of what they're learning.

http://sandradodd.com/screentime/

http://sandradodd.com/chores/
Making kids "do chores" causes problems, too, in an unschooling family.

http://sandradodd.com/chores/gift
They can't get to this point (nor can you) if you "have chores."
____________________________________________________________________

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

My daughter was never made to do chores. Everyday around 7 PM if I have yet to get ready to go help my husband with chores at the farm she will jump up and say :"It is time for chores" or she will ask me it it is time yet. She is 8 years old.

I am not exaggerating this. Sandra was here and saw it. She loves it.

My son is not really into farm chores. He will helps most of the time if asked.
Our kittens in the barn need to be fed twice a day and since he rescued little Grey Fluffer ( a baby kitten that was sick) , he has taken to caring for all of them and making sure they are fed, have water, that they are all accounted for and healthy.
Twice a day he goes up the hayloft  to care for the kittens and he is very very diligent about it.  He turned 12 this Summer.

The other day he told his dad he wanted to help him take down panels at the calf barn so they could be cleaned and ready for new babies. It is very dirty work. He went and spent a few hours with his dad and sister doing. His sister old me that she just played around and that her brother and dad did all the work and that her brother was great. 

The best part for me is that the word chores do not carry a negative connotation in my home.  When they do it they do it happily and they work hard and not just the minimum necessary to get it over with.

Such a different concept than how most people think of teaching responsibility to children.

If you ask my husband he will tell you how Gigi will get him doing things. She will say: " Lets go dad we got to fix that fence or the cows will get out"
"Come on dad the heifers need to be washed so they look good for the fair."

She sure keeps him going!

Alex Polikowsky
 
Alex Polikowsky
 
 
 


On Monday, August 4, 2014 7:35 PM, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:


 
The response to my request NOT to use "screentime" came back.  It's long, four paragraphs, and this is most of the first part.

Wow Sandra,
Thanks for the reply.  I meant to fwd that to my husband, not send it to you, but what a wonderful gift you've given me -- I've forgotten the joy.  I do want my kids to trust themselves, choose what they like and be creators of their world.  One child has an ipad mini and the other a Verizon tablet.  Our 40+ year old brains can never remember what they're called or who has what and the kids are sure to correct us when we use the wrong word so yes, we call them screens.  We took them away for the first time for a few days...they came into our lives while we were [not in their regular home place]  this winter so are fairly new to the whole family.
_______
Then there's more about one child wanting to go to school now, but the other wants to stay home.
"He woke up today and did his chores to earn screen time."

She said she's not as inspired as she used to be.
___________________

My response was this, and it makes me tired.


From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
Subject: Re: Shockingly efficient 
Date: August 4, 2014 4:24:29 PM PDT
To: 

-=- He woke up today and did his chores to earn screen time.-=-

If you wouldn't make him do chores to earn paper time, don't do it.
If you wouldn't make him do chores to earn cloth time, don't do it.

It wasn't encouraging that you wrote that to me after I sent this link, so I'll send it and a few more.  

If you and your husband spent more time with your children, you would know the names of their tablets and would knoe much more about the value of what they're learning.

http://sandradodd.com/screentime/

http://sandradodd.com/chores/
Making kids "do chores" causes problems, too, in an unschooling family.

http://sandradodd.com/chores/gift
They can't get to this point (nor can you) if you "have chores."
____________________________________________________________________



Sandra Dodd

My note wasn't the right answer for that mom, even though she volunteered to expand and defend and explain.

-=-Oh geez...I spend all day w/them 7 days a week...I know all about Minecraft, Vine, etc etc. I strive for interdependency -- chores are good.-=-

The first statement, sent to me by accident, was " Without screens, the kids have been engaged with me and each other...they've been so busy!!"

When a mom reveals something a bit embarrassing (that they hadn't been engaging with her—worth writing home about), but then denies it (or doesn't realize it)...
and when that mom is someone wanting to move more toward radical unschooling, then that information is valuable.

But if someone's intention is not radical unschooling, but "interdependency" (?), then I am bad, and chores are good.

Sandra

anna.black@...

Interdependency?  Does she mean she depends on her children for stuff?  That seems wrong to me, although I don't know how old the kids are.  I think it's my job to be depended upon for as long as I'm able and my kids need me, and although I'm happy to have their help, it's not something I expect or need.

My older daughter (7) often wants to help, she loves to help carry things at the shops, or hold my bag.  She remembers to feed her fish every day and reminds me when it's time to clean the tank.  She will almost always say yes if I ask for her help tidying, although I try to ask rarely.  She is loving and generous and spontaneous with her time and energy and I think that's much more important than that she make her bed every day.  

I had to do chores, in various permutations, growing up.  It didn't teach me to be clean, or organised or love housework.  It did ruin Saturday mornings for me for years though.  I basically did as quick a job as possible while still placating my mother.  I'm still messy generally, but I've learnt how to keep things clean and my house looking pretty over time.   

As for 'screen time', speaking as one who came to this list firmly against any tv, movies, computer games for under - six year olds and very limited exposure after that, I don't see how anyone could read the many links on Sandra's site and hold on to that opinion.  My kids choose freely from any activity in our house, we have wonderful times with tv, youtube, Nabi tablets, fabric, Littlest Pet Shop, Barbies, paper, paint, play doh, cooking, music, dancing - often everything all together.  Just as one example, we recently discovered a new YouTube channel called Disney Car Toys which has people reviewing toys and acting out little stories with Barbies and Anna and Elsa dolls from Frozen.  Watching these has inspired a frenzy of creativity with my girls' own Barbies and play doh, they sit and create and watch and play all at the same time.  

I'm so thankful I found Always Learning.  Life is so much more fun this way.

D. Regan

> I strive for interdependency -- chores are good.


... 'I seek to impose my own vision of how I want my family to be, onto my family'? ... 'Imposing my picture of how I want my family to be, is more important to me than the abundance of joy and growth possible with my connection and support'? ...

Bringing presence, engagement and understanding, instead of control, opens up worlds of joyful possibilities.

Imposing chores on children is about control. Control makes a child's world smaller. It limits human potential. It messes with relationships. It gets in the way of friendship. It can't make a happy family unit ("interdependency"?) happen.

It can engender confusion, resentment and detachment.

Debbie.

Sandra Dodd

Anna, I lifted your article about screen time for that page, and added this, from me:

____________

I was at a conference where after speaking about the connections kids make, parents started in about screen time and TV, in the limited Q&A time. Frustrating.

The next day, before I spoke again, I went to lie down, perhaps to have a nap. I was listening to music, playing a video game, and had an alarm set, all on my iPad. Was that nap "screentime" then? I did fall asleep, and the alarm did go off.

_____________

http://sandradodd.com/screentime

Sandra

anna.black@...

I stopped using or thinking the term "screen time" the minute I read a post by you or Joyce, Sandra, comparing it to "paper time" or "cloth time".  

My children are able to choose to watch tv, play computer games, search for things on YouTube, make little movies on cameras and phones, watch movies or use their tablets whenever they want.  Usually they like to watch some tv or YouTube when they get up, and then have it on while they play, but this morning they didn't turn it on, and continued with a doll game from the night before.  

We went out and then came home and my 7 year old said "what shall we do?" to her 4 year old sister.  They chatted a bit about various options, tv was not one of them.  Then Abi, my eldest, said "we're not watching tv today because we're practicing for when we go camping'. I realised when she said this that the tv had not been turned on since dinner the night before when we discussed camping and that we wouldn't be taking the tv, although we could put some shows and movies on their tablets.  This was a plan they had come up with on their own and they seem enthusiastic and happy about their self-chosen tv hiatus.  

They are perfectly happy doing lots of things together and with me, and I certainly don't mind if and when one or both choose to watch some tv again.  I'm actually missing my Barbie fix today more than they seem to be.