Children's Bodies
<saralouwho@...>
I got this email from my next door neighbor and good friend:
It is in reference to her 5 year old son, and my 6 year old son. I want to handle this well, so I was hoping for some advice. Thanks!
Actually There is a problem.. Ethan told me last night that Max is showing him his butt and making him feel uncomfortable. I dug a little deeper today and asked him some questions and now he says he used to show him his "pickle" everyday in the tent in your front yard and it made him so uncomfortable he would come home. He also told me that Max has touched his leg? Anyway, Sara I don't know exactly what happened but I know Ethan felt it was very inappropriate and felt very uncomfortable. I talked to Jeff and we agree their needs to be some separation for a while. I value our friendship a lot but I have to do what's best for Ethan.. This seems to have affected him a lot. Please let me know if u can clarify anything
It is in reference to her 5 year old son, and my 6 year old son. I want to handle this well, so I was hoping for some advice. Thanks!
Sara
Sandra Dodd
This isn't particularly an unschooling issue. You might find resources online (and someone here might have an idea) but there's no special "unschooling" way of handling this.
We had problems with another boy when my kids were five and younger. Several in our playgroup had had similar problems, and it ultimately broke that group up (some of us reformed as an unschooling playgroup). Because I didn't make a big deal of it with my kids (who were not the initiators of it), they don't even remember it (Kirby probably remembers the loss of the friendship).
I was willing for the friendship to continue as long as a parent was present all the time, but the other mom was too humiliated to continue. She offered to pay for counselling for my kids, but I didn't want it solidified in their memories, so I declined.
Telling your so that he definitely must stop doing that is probably a good idea, if you can find a time and way to do it gently and plainly, not in a panicky or shame-filled way. Some things are not to be shared, or done in public. Don't narrow it down to showing genitalia. Pooping or peeing should be discreetly done (mens' rooms urinals or camping in the woods might be exceptions—peeing at a stop on a road trip), without showing off, without doing it in front of females (or vice versa, for girls). Picking noses (eating boogers), similar.
Biological functions should be taken care of without an audience, and that might be a way to discuss it with him.
I've heard a couple of parents suggest that sex play among children should not be discouraged. I disagree strongly. Where would they cut it off? Sex play among adolescents can land a kid in juvenile lock-up. And on up the line, depending on consensuality and ages and local laws. But flashing is never okay at any age.
A very young child in his own home playing with his penis shouldnt be over-reacted to, but he should also be asked to do that when he's alone, instead of in front of other people.
Sandra
We had problems with another boy when my kids were five and younger. Several in our playgroup had had similar problems, and it ultimately broke that group up (some of us reformed as an unschooling playgroup). Because I didn't make a big deal of it with my kids (who were not the initiators of it), they don't even remember it (Kirby probably remembers the loss of the friendship).
I was willing for the friendship to continue as long as a parent was present all the time, but the other mom was too humiliated to continue. She offered to pay for counselling for my kids, but I didn't want it solidified in their memories, so I declined.
Telling your so that he definitely must stop doing that is probably a good idea, if you can find a time and way to do it gently and plainly, not in a panicky or shame-filled way. Some things are not to be shared, or done in public. Don't narrow it down to showing genitalia. Pooping or peeing should be discreetly done (mens' rooms urinals or camping in the woods might be exceptions—peeing at a stop on a road trip), without showing off, without doing it in front of females (or vice versa, for girls). Picking noses (eating boogers), similar.
Biological functions should be taken care of without an audience, and that might be a way to discuss it with him.
I've heard a couple of parents suggest that sex play among children should not be discouraged. I disagree strongly. Where would they cut it off? Sex play among adolescents can land a kid in juvenile lock-up. And on up the line, depending on consensuality and ages and local laws. But flashing is never okay at any age.
A very young child in his own home playing with his penis shouldnt be over-reacted to, but he should also be asked to do that when he's alone, instead of in front of other people.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
Another thing you might suggest is meeting in public places to play, where the moms are right there and the boys are restablishing behaviors without that other part of it.
chris ester
I was a social worker and have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. BUT I am very sick right now. I should feel better in a day or three and will come back to respond.
Everything Sandra said is on target. While this behavior isn't common, it isn't abnormal. It is something to be managed for your son's protection and for the comfort of other children.
I would dialogue with the mom and thank her for telling you in a non-judgmental way. Frankly, my biggest concern is how much she "dug around" with her own son.... though I wouldn't address that.
Assure her that you will be speaking to your son and suggest that after an interval (that her son is comfortable with) you resume play dates but in the sight of adults. This will be for the comfort of the other boy and your son. Not so that the adults can intervene in the relationship.
You should eventually talk to your son about the fact that the other boy was not comfortable and so that is the big problem with the behavior not his body or sharing it, but stress that he is too young for those sorts of exchanges.
If you have any specific questions, feel free to message me. As long as Sandra is okay with this.
chris
On Sat, Mar 29, 2014 at 3:28 PM, <saralouwho@...> wrote:
I got this email from my next door neighbor and good friend:
Actually There is a problem.. Ethan told me last night that Max is showing him his butt and making him feel uncomfortable. I dug a little deeper today and asked him some questions and now he says he used to show him his "pickle" everyday in the tent in your front yard and it made him so uncomfortable he would come home. He also told me that Max has touched his leg? Anyway, Sara I don't know exactly what happened but I know Ethan felt it was very inappropriate and felt very uncomfortable. I talked to Jeff and we agree their needs to be some separation for a while. I value our friendship a lot but I have to do what's best for Ethan.. This seems to have affected him a lot. Please let me know if u can clarify anything
It is in reference to her 5 year old son, and my 6 year old son. I want to handle this well, so I was hoping for some advice. Thanks!Sara
Sandra Dodd
-=-You should eventually talk to your son about the fact that the other boy was not comfortable and so that is the big problem with the behavior not his body or sharing it, but stress that he is too young for those sorts of exchanges. -=-
If the other boy wasn't inviting it, there's no age limit on it being inappropriate.
-=-If you have any specific questions, feel free to message me. As long as Sandra is okay with this.-=-
As it's not about unschooling, that's a great idea.
When someone wants to draw others into side discussions for the purpose of telling them the unschooling information here should be disregarded, that's what I object to. :-)
Sandra