Self control
Sandra Dodd
There's just been a book recommended to me by the robotic book chooser at Audible.com. Because I listen to non-fiction about human behavior, this came up today:
The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It
Their description used the chilling (for me) phrase "the new science of self-control."
One of the reviewers wrote: "Why did the sales of Big Macs increase at MacDonalds when they added salads to the menu? The answer is here and it will surprise you. I can't say enough about the impact this book has had on me. Whatever you are struggling with, stopping smoking, curbing your spending habits, losing weight, this book will help you to understand will power and provides many tools and insights that are invaluable."
No doubt the sale of Big Macs increased partly because someone who wanted salad was willing to go with a friend who bought a Big Mac, but even if they tested people who went alone, and said "We have salad now. You can only eat so much, and you only have so much money. What do you want to eat?" I think everyone here could see some reasons people would choose the Big Mac. The smell would permeate the building; salads smell like water and maybe vinegar. The reality of most people limits and deprivation make some things seem way more valuable than others, and few will buy a big salad AND a burger meal. And the burger has lettuce and tomato and I-don't-know-what in it (I know the burgers at Blakes and Wendy's, but I can't recite McD or Burger King, because that's not where I go for a burger).
But when it comes to choosing food, I think it's great when it's a choice (tainted or not) and not as great when it's "self control" (the food of a happy wild person vs. the food of a sad-but-controlled person, whose greatest happiness might now be that he's the one doing the controlling).
Anyway...
Two years ago at Julie Daniel's LiTTLe conference, one of the speakers spoke at length about impulse control. He used the term a dozen times in his talk and a couple of times in the Q&A session with all the speakers.
When someone is controlling his impulses, or controlling himself, there is a bad guy and a good guy. With impulses, it's his good self controlling his bad self. With self control, it's similar. It's his ideal self controlling his actual self.
But with making choices, it's a whole person making rational, thoughtful decisions from a range of options, as many times a day as he can remember to do so. Every decision can be made in light of as many factors as the person can gather to mind. Sometimes the decision is, should, be one thing. The same kind of decision on a different day with different factors might be another way another day.
It's not so pre-decided. It's flexible and logical.
I suppose for a few years here we might be hearing people say "But what about the science of self control?" Just a heads up for those who might be here for a few years helping others.
Sandra
The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It
Their description used the chilling (for me) phrase "the new science of self-control."
One of the reviewers wrote: "Why did the sales of Big Macs increase at MacDonalds when they added salads to the menu? The answer is here and it will surprise you. I can't say enough about the impact this book has had on me. Whatever you are struggling with, stopping smoking, curbing your spending habits, losing weight, this book will help you to understand will power and provides many tools and insights that are invaluable."
No doubt the sale of Big Macs increased partly because someone who wanted salad was willing to go with a friend who bought a Big Mac, but even if they tested people who went alone, and said "We have salad now. You can only eat so much, and you only have so much money. What do you want to eat?" I think everyone here could see some reasons people would choose the Big Mac. The smell would permeate the building; salads smell like water and maybe vinegar. The reality of most people limits and deprivation make some things seem way more valuable than others, and few will buy a big salad AND a burger meal. And the burger has lettuce and tomato and I-don't-know-what in it (I know the burgers at Blakes and Wendy's, but I can't recite McD or Burger King, because that's not where I go for a burger).
But when it comes to choosing food, I think it's great when it's a choice (tainted or not) and not as great when it's "self control" (the food of a happy wild person vs. the food of a sad-but-controlled person, whose greatest happiness might now be that he's the one doing the controlling).
Anyway...
Two years ago at Julie Daniel's LiTTLe conference, one of the speakers spoke at length about impulse control. He used the term a dozen times in his talk and a couple of times in the Q&A session with all the speakers.
When someone is controlling his impulses, or controlling himself, there is a bad guy and a good guy. With impulses, it's his good self controlling his bad self. With self control, it's similar. It's his ideal self controlling his actual self.
But with making choices, it's a whole person making rational, thoughtful decisions from a range of options, as many times a day as he can remember to do so. Every decision can be made in light of as many factors as the person can gather to mind. Sometimes the decision is, should, be one thing. The same kind of decision on a different day with different factors might be another way another day.
It's not so pre-decided. It's flexible and logical.
I suppose for a few years here we might be hearing people say "But what about the science of self control?" Just a heads up for those who might be here for a few years helping others.
Sandra
Pam Sorooshian
> >>But with making choices, it's a whole person making rational, thoughtfulI kind of thought that the above is what impulse control means - instead of
> decisions from a range of options, as many times a day as he can remember
> to do so. Every decision can be made in light of as many factors as the
> person can gather to mind.>>
instantly reacting without thought, consider options and make a choice.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I kind of thought that the above is what impulse control means - instead of
instantly reacting without thought, consider options and make a choice.-=-
I think "impulse control" has an added overlay of "if it feels good, don't do it" �the idea that human instinct and urges are sinful, and only religious or cultural rules should be followed.
"Self-control," too, I think is probably based on that idea that humans have a base, sinful nature and that those urges must be *controlled.*
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
instantly reacting without thought, consider options and make a choice.-=-
I think "impulse control" has an added overlay of "if it feels good, don't do it" �the idea that human instinct and urges are sinful, and only religious or cultural rules should be followed.
"Self-control," too, I think is probably based on that idea that humans have a base, sinful nature and that those urges must be *controlled.*
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On Tue, Apr 9, 2013 at 1:53 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
"Self-control," too, I think is probably based on that idea that humans
> have a base, sinful nature and that those urges must be *controlled>>>
Ah - I think sometimes that's a good thing to do then. Sometimes urges are
bad - smacking a child, for example.
So the real problem is that so many things people want to do, things that
are actually not inherently wrong or bad, are considered urges that should
be controlled. It is the same issue I have with "everything in moderation"
advice. How about we do some things in moderation, some things not at all,
and some things with tremendous gusto and passion!
I think people of impulse control as applying to things we have the
momentary urge to do even though we regret it later. It is really hard to
resist the urge to eat ice cream, for example, when I'm with a bunch of
people eating it. It takes self control. It isn't that I think it is a sin
to eat ice cream, it is that I can sometimes handle a bit of it but other
times I get painfully bloated and miserable. I know it isn't worth it, but
at that moment sometimes I used to give in to the impulse to take the
chance.
-pam
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Katie Oxford
On Tue, Apr 9, 2013 at 1:53 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...
<mailto:Sandra%40sandradodd.com> > wrote:
to a person's decision in-the-moment to control their urges in regards to a
choice they had made for themselves previously. The first example I thought
of was sex. A decision made for yourself ahead of time can be very helpful
when you are confronted with choices in the moment. This is true of many
subjects and choices, but it's really difficult to decide your values and to
contemplate future outcomes when you are in the middle of a heated-hormone
moment (or a peer-pressure moment, etc).
My husband and I had decided we were done when we had our fourth child. The
last three had come in rapid succession and despite our attempts at a
variety of birth control pills. But I hated condoms. Hated them. In the
moment I would say 'forget it' or 'it'll be fine', but I am so thankful my
husband was much more level-headed than I and insisted we stick to our
decision. Ultimately I ended up having a hysteroscopy so that I didn't have
to deal with them anymore, but having made decisions ahead of time (for
myself and for us) made self-control or impulse-control in the moment
possible, much like Pam's example with ice cream.
If we or our kids decide that something is not right for us/them (when it
may be "perfectly fine" for others or acceptable in the society around us),
it can often take self-control to keep from doing it when others around us
are, or when we feel like it would be simpler or less
embarrassing/confrontational/attention-drawing in the moment. I don't think
self-control deserves such a bad rap. J
-Katie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
<mailto:Sandra%40sandradodd.com> > wrote:
>"Self-control," too, I think is probably based on that idea that humansPam wrote:
> have a base, sinful nature and that those urges must be *controlled>>>
>I think people of impulse control as applying to things we have theIn this sense, impulse-control and self-control both can be used to relate
>momentary urge to do even though we regret it later.
to a person's decision in-the-moment to control their urges in regards to a
choice they had made for themselves previously. The first example I thought
of was sex. A decision made for yourself ahead of time can be very helpful
when you are confronted with choices in the moment. This is true of many
subjects and choices, but it's really difficult to decide your values and to
contemplate future outcomes when you are in the middle of a heated-hormone
moment (or a peer-pressure moment, etc).
My husband and I had decided we were done when we had our fourth child. The
last three had come in rapid succession and despite our attempts at a
variety of birth control pills. But I hated condoms. Hated them. In the
moment I would say 'forget it' or 'it'll be fine', but I am so thankful my
husband was much more level-headed than I and insisted we stick to our
decision. Ultimately I ended up having a hysteroscopy so that I didn't have
to deal with them anymore, but having made decisions ahead of time (for
myself and for us) made self-control or impulse-control in the moment
possible, much like Pam's example with ice cream.
If we or our kids decide that something is not right for us/them (when it
may be "perfectly fine" for others or acceptable in the society around us),
it can often take self-control to keep from doing it when others around us
are, or when we feel like it would be simpler or less
embarrassing/confrontational/attention-drawing in the moment. I don't think
self-control deserves such a bad rap. J
-Katie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]