Curriculum of Love?
Moira
First, I must thank the creators of this list for it and for all the time they spend responding and advising us. I've learned a great number of things just from reading this list and I truly like the format and the fact that often our assumptions, ways, and thoughts are challenged. It seems conversation is not considered polite anymore unless those discussing are all in complete agreement and, while I do always like to keep things "civilized," universal agreement is just pretty boring and I never learn much from it.
Lately, reading some of the questions and "issues" folks are having made me want to write innot so much to get or give advice, but, because I like the resulting conversations that come out of when folks do so. The worries others seem to be voicing recently are just heartbreaking to me because it seems like they're trying to adhere to some things _they believe_ are rules of unschooling (that don't seem to come from this lists's founders) even when embracing these unwritten rules is causing more fear and unhappiness than anything else.
I've read a lot here and elsewhere about letting go of fears, saying "yes" more, and the idea of treating our children as we would treat our friends (aren't they?) while also still expanding their world. But, a few things that have always puzzled me that folks write in and mention are: the idea that as parents we have to just sit around and wait for interests to come and that anything "educational" or "teaching" is [necessarily] negative in some way. But, then there's fear that they're not learning anything or showing any interests and then struggle over a conflict about needing to "teach" thingsoften to appease some other person (other parent, grandparent, neighbor, etc.) I'll admit the fear aspect has been puzzling to me. And the idea that we adultswho have more experience simply existingwould not help guide those who are newer here seems neglectful.
I'm not "fearful" of my son not learning things (just as I was not "fearful" that pregnancy would ever end, that he would never hold his head up, stand, learn to hold a cup, speak, or learn to use a toilet). But, I also don't hesitate to introduce things to him to help him find some loves. Or necessitiesas in the case of the toilet stuff. I didn't "wait" for him to stop everything and announce he wanted to stop using diapers, send him to the store to buy himself a potty his bum could reach, and watch while he miraculously just started using it completely on his own. I introduced what seemed was the right thing at the right time and it worked out for us all.
I thus think of what we do as a "curriculum of love" and I'm about to use the word "love" a lotand mean itsappy or no. It boils down to this: my husband and I love each other and we love our son. We try to always make love and happiness be the impetus and the outcomefor ourselves and everyone we encounterand to find things we love in the world while we're in it as doing so makes us happier and more loving. Is this unschooling? Is it radical? I don't really know if I'm qualified to answer and I suspect we're a lot more unschoolish than some and a lot less than others.
So, we share things we love with each other naturallyjust as we would with our good friends. (Changing back to first person singular here as it's weird for me to write in plural.) What this means, though, is not that I share _everything_ I love with my son all the time, but things I think he would love too at a certain point in time. I continue to compare it to how I would treat friends or guests. I wouldn't recommend _all_ my favorite books to _all_ my friends. But, I do push things that I've really enjoyed on those I think would enjoy them too. Yeah, I push. I even buy them the book/game/movie/app/whatever sometimes. But, if they don't want to read/watch/play/go, I don't mind. They might not try it out immediately or ever. However, if they love it too, we have one more thing that we love together and can discuss, experience together, enjoy. When visitors come to my town, I don't expect them to figure out what to do to entertain themselves, I take them to my favorite places that I think they'll enjoy or that are spectacular for one reason or another. I feel that it would be rude to invite them and then make them figure out what to do. (Wait, didn't we "invite" our children into this world too? Shouldn't we treat them with the respect and guidance we do our visitors from another place?) When I go somewhere that I don't have a guide or know anyone, I look things up to find out what others have loved. I read reviews on Amazon to see what others have loved or even just liked to determine if I'd like or love it too.
Same goes for my son. I introduce. I share why I love something. We try it for a little while and see how it goes. Sometimes he likes something immediately, sometimes not. These last few days, he's been opposed to playing any video games and has wanted to try out board games that I introduced him to in the past (and that he did _not_ love at the time). He's since asked for repeated matches of Battleship and Mastermind. Think of all the "schoolish" skills involved in both those games (many of which wouldn't be in a seven year-old's school curriculum): Plotting on multiple x and y axes, NATO alphabet, process of elimination, patterns, etc. If I'd never introduced him to these games in the past, I doubt it'd be likely that he'd be interested in playing them or would spontaneously hear of them and inquire to either play the game or learn how to plot on x and y axes, learn the NATO alphabet, ask what process of elimination is, etc.
{Big side note: For those who are fearful of games, consider this: my husband was ABDall but dissertationfor his Ph.D. in English and planned on teaching, but his love of games and pop culture moved him from academia to games and televisionas a career. It's pretty much a requirement for him his work that we have all game consoles in our house and play a lot of games. Therefore, my son has access to a lot of new "loves" in the games realm. Yet he still chooses not to play them sometimes. He reads books, he plays with toys, he goes outside, he does worksheets, he daydreams, he has debates. It really does happen. Also consider the hundreds of folks my husband works with and how they also _must_ play games and watch TV "for work" and how they are all lucky enough to have [well-paying jobs at all in this economy and] careers that they love and that stem from interests in what many think are "time wasters" or "brain drainers."}
And it goes both ways. My son introduces me to things he loves that I didn't know about (Adventure Time is the biggest example right now. LOVE that show!) He's interested in history, which I never found interesting when I was younger. In wanting to find things for him and in being given something by another friend (one of Bill Bryson's fantastically interesting books), I've discovered I now love history too! It never was presented in such an interesting way before--or chronologically. Gosh, does that make history make more sense! History was haphazard, scattered, and dull. And, as a result, I never sought it out and was the only "subject" I found intensely boring as a kid but now find utterly and completely fascinating. My husband and I recently remembered our love for Calvin and Hobbes books and introduced our son to them and he's reading them night and daykeeps them in his bed, in fact. And, shockingly, "love" actually includes sinful, evil worksheets sometimes and what some would consider schoolish stuff. (I literally "loved" phonics workbooks as a kid and thought of it as code breaking/decoding. He likes them too.) And math! I've been learning a lot about personal finance (something that I never encountered at all in education or from my own parents) and listening to podcasts and such on the topic. My son asked me about it and decided he wanted to start saving and learning too. So, I ordered him this kids' financial kit after getting some books from the library. We've done nothing with the kit yet. But, it came with a calculator. A plain old calculator. But, it's his and he loves it and carries it around "calculating" things now and quizzing us on math problems and math facts. He took it into the bath the other night to "work on `pluttification'" (as Pippi Longstocking calls multiplication).
I am one of the rare folks who was lucky to have pretty much all great teachersat least up until late high school who had their own interests and passions and introduced me to them. I did love school and learning and discovery I think as a result of them and their influence on my life. But, I think my circumstances were quite unique and don't apply to much schooling nowadays (and is why my son is not in school). Perhaps this is why I'm not as fearful that he might not learn something as I am excited at exposing him to things. Also, I grew up way out in the country in a very small town with very limited access to, well, much of anything other than nature itself. My teachers and their loves opened my world, made me love learning, and helped make me who I am and introduced me to some things I never would've encountered just from my own interests. Sadly for those who go to school (and those who teach in school), teachers can't even bring as much of themselves and their own interests to their students anymore. But, we whose children are at home can, can't we?
This turned out much longer than I anticipated when I started, but, I just thought we could discuss whether it's "right" or "wrong" or "useful" to kind of forget about emphasizing fear (fear of not learning, fear of following unschooling "rules" as your neighbor adheres to them, fear of pushing something you love) and think instead about love. Or, maybe others think "pushing" our loves is considered too coercive? Is it just trying to force a love of learning (which assumes that that desire/love is not inherent)?
Lately, reading some of the questions and "issues" folks are having made me want to write innot so much to get or give advice, but, because I like the resulting conversations that come out of when folks do so. The worries others seem to be voicing recently are just heartbreaking to me because it seems like they're trying to adhere to some things _they believe_ are rules of unschooling (that don't seem to come from this lists's founders) even when embracing these unwritten rules is causing more fear and unhappiness than anything else.
I've read a lot here and elsewhere about letting go of fears, saying "yes" more, and the idea of treating our children as we would treat our friends (aren't they?) while also still expanding their world. But, a few things that have always puzzled me that folks write in and mention are: the idea that as parents we have to just sit around and wait for interests to come and that anything "educational" or "teaching" is [necessarily] negative in some way. But, then there's fear that they're not learning anything or showing any interests and then struggle over a conflict about needing to "teach" thingsoften to appease some other person (other parent, grandparent, neighbor, etc.) I'll admit the fear aspect has been puzzling to me. And the idea that we adultswho have more experience simply existingwould not help guide those who are newer here seems neglectful.
I'm not "fearful" of my son not learning things (just as I was not "fearful" that pregnancy would ever end, that he would never hold his head up, stand, learn to hold a cup, speak, or learn to use a toilet). But, I also don't hesitate to introduce things to him to help him find some loves. Or necessitiesas in the case of the toilet stuff. I didn't "wait" for him to stop everything and announce he wanted to stop using diapers, send him to the store to buy himself a potty his bum could reach, and watch while he miraculously just started using it completely on his own. I introduced what seemed was the right thing at the right time and it worked out for us all.
I thus think of what we do as a "curriculum of love" and I'm about to use the word "love" a lotand mean itsappy or no. It boils down to this: my husband and I love each other and we love our son. We try to always make love and happiness be the impetus and the outcomefor ourselves and everyone we encounterand to find things we love in the world while we're in it as doing so makes us happier and more loving. Is this unschooling? Is it radical? I don't really know if I'm qualified to answer and I suspect we're a lot more unschoolish than some and a lot less than others.
So, we share things we love with each other naturallyjust as we would with our good friends. (Changing back to first person singular here as it's weird for me to write in plural.) What this means, though, is not that I share _everything_ I love with my son all the time, but things I think he would love too at a certain point in time. I continue to compare it to how I would treat friends or guests. I wouldn't recommend _all_ my favorite books to _all_ my friends. But, I do push things that I've really enjoyed on those I think would enjoy them too. Yeah, I push. I even buy them the book/game/movie/app/whatever sometimes. But, if they don't want to read/watch/play/go, I don't mind. They might not try it out immediately or ever. However, if they love it too, we have one more thing that we love together and can discuss, experience together, enjoy. When visitors come to my town, I don't expect them to figure out what to do to entertain themselves, I take them to my favorite places that I think they'll enjoy or that are spectacular for one reason or another. I feel that it would be rude to invite them and then make them figure out what to do. (Wait, didn't we "invite" our children into this world too? Shouldn't we treat them with the respect and guidance we do our visitors from another place?) When I go somewhere that I don't have a guide or know anyone, I look things up to find out what others have loved. I read reviews on Amazon to see what others have loved or even just liked to determine if I'd like or love it too.
Same goes for my son. I introduce. I share why I love something. We try it for a little while and see how it goes. Sometimes he likes something immediately, sometimes not. These last few days, he's been opposed to playing any video games and has wanted to try out board games that I introduced him to in the past (and that he did _not_ love at the time). He's since asked for repeated matches of Battleship and Mastermind. Think of all the "schoolish" skills involved in both those games (many of which wouldn't be in a seven year-old's school curriculum): Plotting on multiple x and y axes, NATO alphabet, process of elimination, patterns, etc. If I'd never introduced him to these games in the past, I doubt it'd be likely that he'd be interested in playing them or would spontaneously hear of them and inquire to either play the game or learn how to plot on x and y axes, learn the NATO alphabet, ask what process of elimination is, etc.
{Big side note: For those who are fearful of games, consider this: my husband was ABDall but dissertationfor his Ph.D. in English and planned on teaching, but his love of games and pop culture moved him from academia to games and televisionas a career. It's pretty much a requirement for him his work that we have all game consoles in our house and play a lot of games. Therefore, my son has access to a lot of new "loves" in the games realm. Yet he still chooses not to play them sometimes. He reads books, he plays with toys, he goes outside, he does worksheets, he daydreams, he has debates. It really does happen. Also consider the hundreds of folks my husband works with and how they also _must_ play games and watch TV "for work" and how they are all lucky enough to have [well-paying jobs at all in this economy and] careers that they love and that stem from interests in what many think are "time wasters" or "brain drainers."}
And it goes both ways. My son introduces me to things he loves that I didn't know about (Adventure Time is the biggest example right now. LOVE that show!) He's interested in history, which I never found interesting when I was younger. In wanting to find things for him and in being given something by another friend (one of Bill Bryson's fantastically interesting books), I've discovered I now love history too! It never was presented in such an interesting way before--or chronologically. Gosh, does that make history make more sense! History was haphazard, scattered, and dull. And, as a result, I never sought it out and was the only "subject" I found intensely boring as a kid but now find utterly and completely fascinating. My husband and I recently remembered our love for Calvin and Hobbes books and introduced our son to them and he's reading them night and daykeeps them in his bed, in fact. And, shockingly, "love" actually includes sinful, evil worksheets sometimes and what some would consider schoolish stuff. (I literally "loved" phonics workbooks as a kid and thought of it as code breaking/decoding. He likes them too.) And math! I've been learning a lot about personal finance (something that I never encountered at all in education or from my own parents) and listening to podcasts and such on the topic. My son asked me about it and decided he wanted to start saving and learning too. So, I ordered him this kids' financial kit after getting some books from the library. We've done nothing with the kit yet. But, it came with a calculator. A plain old calculator. But, it's his and he loves it and carries it around "calculating" things now and quizzing us on math problems and math facts. He took it into the bath the other night to "work on `pluttification'" (as Pippi Longstocking calls multiplication).
I am one of the rare folks who was lucky to have pretty much all great teachersat least up until late high school who had their own interests and passions and introduced me to them. I did love school and learning and discovery I think as a result of them and their influence on my life. But, I think my circumstances were quite unique and don't apply to much schooling nowadays (and is why my son is not in school). Perhaps this is why I'm not as fearful that he might not learn something as I am excited at exposing him to things. Also, I grew up way out in the country in a very small town with very limited access to, well, much of anything other than nature itself. My teachers and their loves opened my world, made me love learning, and helped make me who I am and introduced me to some things I never would've encountered just from my own interests. Sadly for those who go to school (and those who teach in school), teachers can't even bring as much of themselves and their own interests to their students anymore. But, we whose children are at home can, can't we?
This turned out much longer than I anticipated when I started, but, I just thought we could discuss whether it's "right" or "wrong" or "useful" to kind of forget about emphasizing fear (fear of not learning, fear of following unschooling "rules" as your neighbor adheres to them, fear of pushing something you love) and think instead about love. Or, maybe others think "pushing" our loves is considered too coercive? Is it just trying to force a love of learning (which assumes that that desire/love is not inherent)?
Meredith
"Moira" <gloxie@...> wrote:
One of the complexities of this issue in particular is that it's a different ball of wax when families are deschooling - and most especially deschooling from school at home. Sometimes parents need to step all the way back from anything that feels educational To The Kids for awhile to give the kids a chance to relax and recover from too much schooling.
Ray went through a period of not wanting to do anything which seemed educational to him - "not want" in the sense that he finally jumped out of a moving vehicle because "going to the YMCA" with his bio mom sounded too much like "physical education". Fortunately, he's a tough kid and didn't break anything!
The catch is "for awhile". Once kids no longer shy away from anything which looks educational, sure, bring it on! The Good news about deschooling is that its something kids can move past and get to a point where they don't mistrust everything which looks like "learning".
This is a lovely description of unschooling - I don't want to put that down at all! It's good for parents who are still deschooling to get a sense of how things can look eventually. But you can't rush it.
http://sandradodd.com/kellylovejoy/stages
Unschooling takes more than love or a focus on love. Most parents love their children. They send them to school out of love, punish them out of love. How many times can you find "no means I love you" mixed into parenting advice? Love isn't enough to unschool - it's not even enough to parent effectively in the more common sense. Maybe that seems cynical, but it's more cynical to imply that parents who aren't unschooling don't love their kids enough - although I don't think that implication is intentional in this case.
Valuing joy makes an enormous difference to unschooling; valuing the joy of children and parents, along with valuing thoughtfulness and kindness towards children as much as towards parents.
---Meredith
>a few things that have always puzzled me that folks write in and mention are: the idea that as parents we have to just sit around and wait for interests to come and that anything "educational" or "teaching" is [necessarily] negative in some way*****************
One of the complexities of this issue in particular is that it's a different ball of wax when families are deschooling - and most especially deschooling from school at home. Sometimes parents need to step all the way back from anything that feels educational To The Kids for awhile to give the kids a chance to relax and recover from too much schooling.
Ray went through a period of not wanting to do anything which seemed educational to him - "not want" in the sense that he finally jumped out of a moving vehicle because "going to the YMCA" with his bio mom sounded too much like "physical education". Fortunately, he's a tough kid and didn't break anything!
The catch is "for awhile". Once kids no longer shy away from anything which looks educational, sure, bring it on! The Good news about deschooling is that its something kids can move past and get to a point where they don't mistrust everything which looks like "learning".
>>> So, we share things we love with each other naturallyjust as we would with our good friends.*************
This is a lovely description of unschooling - I don't want to put that down at all! It's good for parents who are still deschooling to get a sense of how things can look eventually. But you can't rush it.
http://sandradodd.com/kellylovejoy/stages
>> I thus think of what we do as a "curriculum of love" and I'm about to use the word "love" a lotand mean itsappy or no.**************
Unschooling takes more than love or a focus on love. Most parents love their children. They send them to school out of love, punish them out of love. How many times can you find "no means I love you" mixed into parenting advice? Love isn't enough to unschool - it's not even enough to parent effectively in the more common sense. Maybe that seems cynical, but it's more cynical to imply that parents who aren't unschooling don't love their kids enough - although I don't think that implication is intentional in this case.
Valuing joy makes an enormous difference to unschooling; valuing the joy of children and parents, along with valuing thoughtfulness and kindness towards children as much as towards parents.
---Meredith