The Pommies

I need some advice on how to meet the needs of my son (10) and the needs of my younger children too. I have four children - 11,10,3 and 18 months. My youngest very much needs me 24/7 as you would expect - I can't leave a room without her and she is pretty much physically attached to me 90% of the time. My 3 year old likes me close too but happily plays with her siblings and by herself for short amounts of time.

My 11 year old daughter is an introvert and enjoys her own space mostly as long as I give her small amounts of input regularly throughout the day, which I do. We also every couple of weeks have a girls morning where we go shopping and do lunch and my husband watches the others. My youngest can normally tolerate me gone for a couple of hours tops (much less if I am actually in the house though!)

My problem is that I don't know how to meet my 10 year old son needs as he requires almost constant engagement in HIS activities. If he doesn't get it then I believe he expresses his sadness about that by displaying destructive and unpleasant behaviour. What he wants is for me to watch his shows with him, play his video games, card games and wrestle with him. I do all these things regularly as much as I can throughout the day and I absolutely love these moments and wish I could do them more, but they are just 'moments' and never long enough for him as my two younger children tend to 'get in the way'. It is frustrating for him and I totally understand but what can I do? I encourage group play and that works sometimes when he doesn't mind playing something they like, but when he wants to do his stuff they will turn the tv off, grab the cards, etc.

My husband feels it is impossible for me to meet his needs with such a big age gap, and due to the fact that I believe he is acting out by destroying furniture and being less than kind with our pets, then he feels part-time school is an option. I see his logic that if our son is bored here then school may offer him the stimulation he needs, but I just don't think that is what he needs. Jack was utterly miserable when he was in school and I feel having one adult to twenty plus kids isn't the attention he is craving at all. He wants more of ME, but I just don't know how I can give it. Please any advice greatly appreciated.

Chay.

Sandra Dodd

-=-My husband feels it is impossible for me to meet his needs with such a big age gap, and due to the fact that I believe he is acting out by destroying furniture and being less than kind with our pets, then he feels part-time school is an option. I see his logic that if our son is bored here then school may offer him the stimulation he needs, but I just don't think that is what he needs. Jack was utterly miserable when he was in school and I feel having one adult to twenty plus kids isn't the attention he is craving at all. He wants more of ME, but I just don't know how I can give it. Please any advice greatly appreciated. -=-

Find a kid who's slightly older (12-16) to come over and play with him a lot, as a mother's helper. Girl or boy. Or find a girl in that age range or so who would like to play with your two year old. If you're lucky, you might find someone who would enjoy both kids.

Pay them less than babysitting rates, because you'll be there. You might find a kid or two who would find it a huge relief to be at your house some of the time and not theirs. :-)

Sandra

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The Pommies

I like this idea in theory but my husband is dead against it. He works from home and he really doesn't want someone else in our house. This is partly because he is very private, and also because the few early teens that have spent time in our home all come from homes that are very different to ours and you can tell. When they have come to play with my son or daughter they are very bossy and controlling with our younger two and I have often had to speak with them about how they are treating them, so overall it wasn't a good experience. I think if we can make the effort to meet more attachment parents then we might have more luck, but that is hard to do where we are. We have been to several homeschool and natural learning groups in our area but the parents are still very conventional.
The other thing is we are in Australia and I have never heard of Mothers Helpers apart from on this list. If anyone else is in Australia can they tell me is it common practice and what sort of payment would be reasonable?



> Find a kid who's slightly older (12-16) to come over and play with him a lot, as a mother's helper. Girl or boy. Or find a girl in that age range or so who would like to play with your two year old. If you're lucky, you might find someone who would enjoy both kids.
>
> Pay them less than babysitting rates, because you'll be there. You might find a kid or two who would find it a huge relief to be at your house some of the time and not theirs. :-)
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Schuyler

>>He wants more of ME, but I just don't know how I can give it. <<

Do it moment by moment. Give more of you in each moment that you have with him. Be aware, be engaged, be actively with him. When you have to step away, think about how to start a reconnection as soon as you are able.

You've almost started a new family, given the age difference. Your son, I assume, was more accustomed to being able to rely on you for attention that you are making space for him now. Be more active in finding ways to be with your son as much as he needs you. 18 months may need to be on you all the time, but that doesn't mean that you can't also be paying attention to your 10 year old.

Schuyler


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Sandra Dodd

-=-When they have come to play with my son or daughter they are very bossy and controlling with our younger two and I have often had to speak with them about how they are treating them, so overall it wasn't a good experience. -=-

But you weren't paying them, they were coming to play. It would be different if you said what you wanted and exchanged cash for that.

-=-The other thing is we are in Australia and I have never heard of Mothers Helpers apart from on this list. If anyone else is in Australia can they tell me is it common practice and what sort of payment would be reasonable?-=-

You're unschooling. What do you care what is common practice? :-) If a teen babysitter gets $6 an hour, offer a mother's helper $3-$4 an hour (half or more).
You might be the first ones in Australia. :-)

-=-I like this idea in theory but my husband is dead against it. He works from home and he really doesn't want someone else in our house.-=-

If you ask for help but reject the ideas before you've even had time to think about them, it's hard to believe that you're willing to consider alternatives.

Sandra

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Rinelle

> My 11 year old daughter is an introvert and enjoys her own space mostly as
> long as I give her small amounts of input
> regularly throughout the day, which I do. We also every couple of weeks
> have a girls morning where we go shopping
> and do lunch and my husband watches the others. My youngest can normally
> tolerate me gone for a couple of hours
> tops (much less if I am actually in the house though!)

You've said that you're making an attempt here to give your daughter some
concentrated time every few weeks, I was just wondering if you were doing
the same thing for your son? Perhaps he needs it more than your daughter
does right now?

Tamara

Helen Cain

At 09:39 AM 30/11/2011, The Pommies wrote:


>The other thing is we are in Australia and I have never heard of
>Mothers Helpers apart from on this list. If anyone else is in
>Australia can they tell me is it common practice and what sort of
>payment would be reasonable?

I know of several families in Melbourne who have or have had
arrangements like this. I doubt it's 'common practice' anywhere, I
hear of it almost exclusively with home-schooling families, though I
know of one family with younger children and mum working from home,
who have a mother's helper coming over a couple of afternoons a week.

I don't know what the going rate of pay is, though. Maybe find out
what teens near you get paid to babysit and halve it?

Cheers
Helen in Melbourne, Australia

The Pommies

> You've said that you're making an attempt here to give your daughter some
> concentrated time every few weeks, I was just wondering if you were doing
> the same thing for your son? Perhaps he needs it more than your daughter
> does right now?>

Yes we do but he I think although he enjoys a morning to himself with either of us, what he actually really needs it lots of input every day at home doing the things he enjoys.

I am going to speak with my husband at length tonight about getting a mothers helper as I really think it could help. He does take longer to come around to things so although he rejected the idea initially when I have brought it up in the past, and again today, he may feel differently over time. The school holidays are starting now so it really couldn't be better timing to implement something like that, and there is no harm in just trying it out.

Thanks everyone for the great advice!
Chay.

Pam Sorooshian

On Tue, Nov 29, 2011 at 8:28 PM, Helen Cain <hfcain@...> wrote:

> j>>>I don't know what the going rate of pay is, though. Maybe find out
> what teens near you get paid to babysit and halve it?<<<
>

Rosie babysits a lot and sometimes they ask her to be there when mom is
there as a mother's helper, but she always gets paid the same for that as
for babysitting. She would not do it for less - it takes her time, just
like babysitting. A younger person who doesn't do actual babysitting might
be willing to take a below-babysitting pay rate.

But - anyway - people always just ask Rosie how much she charges and she
decides how much she's willing to work for.

-pam


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Sandra Dodd

-=- The school holidays are starting now so it really couldn't be better timing to implement something like that, and there is no harm in just trying it out. -=-

If he agrees, maybe just have a kid over once, rather than suggesting you might want to do it long term, try it once and then think about it, because one or the other (your children or the hired kid) might not enjoy it for some reason.

And a series of hired helpers might be interesting, too, depending on personalities.

Sandra

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