trying to help my daughter
Katie
My daughter,6, gets so upset about things and will scream and cry for sometimes 30 minutes or longer. For example, she wanted to show me that she had mastered the monkey bars. Unfortunately she couldn't do it when she was trying to show me. I completely understood her frustration but I can't help her when she runs off screaming. I went after her to hug her and try to talk but she just covers her ears and screams louder. And it never fails that when she's in this "state" (I don't know what else to call it) she will somehow get hurt which escalates things. She also does this screaming when we mention doing something that she doesn't want to do. One example is that we were going to go out to eat for Mother's Day and just the mention of it sent her screaming and not listening to a word anyone said. Now the rest of us wanted to go out, but we did not because she had gotten so worked up. This is making it very hard when my other daughter really wants to do something and Hannah will not even consider it.
This is not really new for her. When she was just a few weeks old we discovered after a few incidents that she did not want anyone except Mom or Dad to hold her. The few occasions that someone tried she would scream for over an hour and there was really nothing I could do to help. I have so many example of someone or something setting her off and her screaming for a long time. I just always thought that she would "grow" out of this.
It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried asking her what I can do to help and she doesn't know either. Are there any thoughts of what I'm missing?
This is not really new for her. When she was just a few weeks old we discovered after a few incidents that she did not want anyone except Mom or Dad to hold her. The few occasions that someone tried she would scream for over an hour and there was really nothing I could do to help. I have so many example of someone or something setting her off and her screaming for a long time. I just always thought that she would "grow" out of this.
It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried asking her what I can do to help and she doesn't know either. Are there any thoughts of what I'm missing?
wtexans
===I completely understood her frustration but I can't help her when she runs off screaming.===
For me, there are times when I'm feeling angry or frustrated (had one today, in fact!) and I don't want someone trying to fix it or help or make it better. I want to be by myself until I'm ready to *not* be by myself, and that tends to happen sooner if I'm left alone until then.
===I went after her to hug her and try to talk but she just covers her ears and screams louder.===
Rather than try to hug her, be nearby, quietly and calmly, so that *she* can come to *you* when she's ready.
Covering her ears and screaming louder when you try to talk to her is a good indication she's not ready to be talked to! Respect her need to not be talked to in that moment.
===And it never fails that when she's in this "state" (I don't know what else to call it) she will somehow get hurt which escalates things.===
Every Single Time that she's in the state of upsetedness that you described, she gets hurt??? Because that's what "it never fails" implies. If it's not Every Single Time, it would help if you could reframe that in your thinking, to get away from "all or nothing" thinking.
Notice when she's not getting hurt.
Notice what happens if you give her the space to be upset on her own terms.
Notice what happens if you are quietly and calmly nearby, doing some cloud watching or otherwise not directly watching her, letting her know by your actions (not words!) that you're available when *she* is ready.
Notice what happens when she's ready to be near you, after being upset, if you *don't* talk about what happened -- if, instead, you move on to some other fun.
===I have so many example of someone or something setting her off and her screaming for a long time.===
It's not helpful to keep score like that ("so many examples").
If you have a good idea of what will upset her, change things up so that you're not getting to that point. Be proactive rather than reactive.
===I just always thought that she would "grow" out of this.===
She's only 6!!! (Almost-7 is still 6.)
If you spend any time at a park watching other kids play, you'll see that other kids her age, and older, get frustrated and upset like that. You may be expecting her to act in a way that's not possible today, or tomorrow, *for her*.
Rather than expecting her to react differently, be observant of what's going on, and when you see the very beginnings of behavior that usually leads to screaming, step in and change things up. Distract her. Ask if she wants to join you in a car ride or in taking a walk or (if at home at night) go sit outside and look at the stars with you.
When my son was that age and would get so upset while gaming, I'd tell him I was going out back to swing and that I'd love his company if he wanted to come out too -- and then I'd go on outside and he'd usually join me. Not always, but often. And when he did join me, invariably he would tell me about what had been making him angry and the anger would slowly ebb. But I didn't push -- I let him talk about it when he was ready.
Now, at 12, he's pretty aware of when he's getting angry and it's much more common for him to step away from what (or who) is causing that anger than it was for him to do so at age 6.
===It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried asking her what I can do to help and she doesn't know either.===
It may be miserable to be around her when it's going on, but odds are it's MORE miserable to BE HER when it's going on!
I know that when I'm upset to the point of wanting to scream, it's a pretty horrible feeling.
Try stepping away from feeling like you need to "fix" her feelings of anger and frustration and sadness, or talking about them while they're happening. Sometimes being able to feel them is enough to get on the other side of them.
By covering her ears and screaming louder, she's letting you know that talking is not helpful to her. If she runs off, she's letting you know that, at that moment, being by herself is what helps. Try being nearby, in a calm and quiet way, and see if that helps -- if it's not normally your M.O., how would she have the opportunity to know if that helps? Until you try different things, you're asking a lot to expect her to know what *does* help =).
Glenda
For me, there are times when I'm feeling angry or frustrated (had one today, in fact!) and I don't want someone trying to fix it or help or make it better. I want to be by myself until I'm ready to *not* be by myself, and that tends to happen sooner if I'm left alone until then.
===I went after her to hug her and try to talk but she just covers her ears and screams louder.===
Rather than try to hug her, be nearby, quietly and calmly, so that *she* can come to *you* when she's ready.
Covering her ears and screaming louder when you try to talk to her is a good indication she's not ready to be talked to! Respect her need to not be talked to in that moment.
===And it never fails that when she's in this "state" (I don't know what else to call it) she will somehow get hurt which escalates things.===
Every Single Time that she's in the state of upsetedness that you described, she gets hurt??? Because that's what "it never fails" implies. If it's not Every Single Time, it would help if you could reframe that in your thinking, to get away from "all or nothing" thinking.
Notice when she's not getting hurt.
Notice what happens if you give her the space to be upset on her own terms.
Notice what happens if you are quietly and calmly nearby, doing some cloud watching or otherwise not directly watching her, letting her know by your actions (not words!) that you're available when *she* is ready.
Notice what happens when she's ready to be near you, after being upset, if you *don't* talk about what happened -- if, instead, you move on to some other fun.
===I have so many example of someone or something setting her off and her screaming for a long time.===
It's not helpful to keep score like that ("so many examples").
If you have a good idea of what will upset her, change things up so that you're not getting to that point. Be proactive rather than reactive.
===I just always thought that she would "grow" out of this.===
She's only 6!!! (Almost-7 is still 6.)
If you spend any time at a park watching other kids play, you'll see that other kids her age, and older, get frustrated and upset like that. You may be expecting her to act in a way that's not possible today, or tomorrow, *for her*.
Rather than expecting her to react differently, be observant of what's going on, and when you see the very beginnings of behavior that usually leads to screaming, step in and change things up. Distract her. Ask if she wants to join you in a car ride or in taking a walk or (if at home at night) go sit outside and look at the stars with you.
When my son was that age and would get so upset while gaming, I'd tell him I was going out back to swing and that I'd love his company if he wanted to come out too -- and then I'd go on outside and he'd usually join me. Not always, but often. And when he did join me, invariably he would tell me about what had been making him angry and the anger would slowly ebb. But I didn't push -- I let him talk about it when he was ready.
Now, at 12, he's pretty aware of when he's getting angry and it's much more common for him to step away from what (or who) is causing that anger than it was for him to do so at age 6.
===It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried asking her what I can do to help and she doesn't know either.===
It may be miserable to be around her when it's going on, but odds are it's MORE miserable to BE HER when it's going on!
I know that when I'm upset to the point of wanting to scream, it's a pretty horrible feeling.
Try stepping away from feeling like you need to "fix" her feelings of anger and frustration and sadness, or talking about them while they're happening. Sometimes being able to feel them is enough to get on the other side of them.
By covering her ears and screaming louder, she's letting you know that talking is not helpful to her. If she runs off, she's letting you know that, at that moment, being by herself is what helps. Try being nearby, in a calm and quiet way, and see if that helps -- if it's not normally your M.O., how would she have the opportunity to know if that helps? Until you try different things, you're asking a lot to expect her to know what *does* help =).
Glenda
Schuyler
Some things that may help are making sure that she's not hungry, that she's not
tired, that she's got more in her reserve bank than she is lacking. It isn't a
what to do in the moment response, it is a what to do to try and keep the
moments fewer and further between.
There was a time when Linnaea struggled with her emotions, with the way they
seemed to rise out of nowhere and overpower her. She felt like she was wrong and
vile and hated for being so unpleasant, rude, miserable. And I felt such a
failure for not being able to deal better with her in the moment. I still don't
know what changed, I don't know if she grew out of it, largely, or if it was a
coming together of all the little things I was learning and applying that
worked. If she's hungry or tired or thirsty she can, I can, run out of steam
emotionally and what would normally be a nothing can feel like a huge hurdle to
rally against.
It helps to watch for the signs that things are beginning to crumble; to be more
present, to be more aware, to be more proactive. Have snacks with you much of
the time. A cool bag in the car with drinks, favourite chips or crackers or a
bag with carrots and celery and a little jar of peanut butter for dipping,
sandwiches, anything that might appeal. Be flexible. Be willing to move from one
activity to another, or stay with that activity for longer.
Recognise that she isn't doing this to you, that this isn't an attack on you by
your 6 year old child. That's a good thing to remember when someone is really,
really upset. This is about her and about how she feels and about how she
doesn't have any ability to give any more than she already has. And wait, and be
calm, and don't press your agenda, don't push, just wait. Be there for her when
she wants you to be. Sit with her and near her and be as quiet and loving as you
can be. And as she moves from that moment don't take that time to discuss it.
Offer food and drink and cuddles and comfort as required. And later, when it's
quiet and calm and the moment feels right, talk about, only briefly, how
breathing helps and do deep breaths together
http://www.sandradodd.com/breathing.
My dad, who is 72, lost his temper when he and his wife were visiting. It was
huge and swift and scary. I was a little girl in that moment. He'd grown
frustrated trying to deal with travel things and he snapped at his wife. Big
rage. I wish someone had helped him at some point in his life to be calmer, to
notice the little things that help to calm, to go slower. But at 72 my dad can
throw a wobbly that is probably at least as extreme as the one my once upon a
time 6 year old threw. I think the expectation that someone should grow out of
something may not be nearly as helpful as looking for ways to make something
less likely to occur.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Katie <katie_kees@...>
My daughter,6, gets so upset about things and will scream and cry for sometimes
30 minutes or longer. For example, she wanted to show me that she had mastered
the monkey bars. Unfortunately she couldn't do it when she was trying to show
me. I completely understood her frustration but I can't help her when she runs
off screaming. I went after her to hug her and try to talk but she just covers
her ears and screams louder. And it never fails that when she's in this "state"
(I don't know what else to call it) she will somehow get hurt which escalates
things. She also does this screaming when we mention doing something that she
doesn't want to do. One example is that we were going to go out to eat for
Mother's Day and just the mention of it sent her screaming and not listening to
a word anyone said. Now the rest of us wanted to go out, but we did not because
she had gotten so worked up. This is making it very hard when my other daughter
really wants to do something and Hannah will not even consider it.
This is not really new for her. When she was just a few weeks old we discovered
after a few incidents that she did not want anyone except Mom or Dad to hold
her. The few occasions that someone tried she would scream for over an hour and
there was really nothing I could do to help. I have so many example of someone
or something setting her off and her screaming for a long time. I just always
thought that she would "grow" out of this.
It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried asking her
what I can do to help and she doesn't know either. Are there any thoughts of
what I'm missing?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
tired, that she's got more in her reserve bank than she is lacking. It isn't a
what to do in the moment response, it is a what to do to try and keep the
moments fewer and further between.
There was a time when Linnaea struggled with her emotions, with the way they
seemed to rise out of nowhere and overpower her. She felt like she was wrong and
vile and hated for being so unpleasant, rude, miserable. And I felt such a
failure for not being able to deal better with her in the moment. I still don't
know what changed, I don't know if she grew out of it, largely, or if it was a
coming together of all the little things I was learning and applying that
worked. If she's hungry or tired or thirsty she can, I can, run out of steam
emotionally and what would normally be a nothing can feel like a huge hurdle to
rally against.
It helps to watch for the signs that things are beginning to crumble; to be more
present, to be more aware, to be more proactive. Have snacks with you much of
the time. A cool bag in the car with drinks, favourite chips or crackers or a
bag with carrots and celery and a little jar of peanut butter for dipping,
sandwiches, anything that might appeal. Be flexible. Be willing to move from one
activity to another, or stay with that activity for longer.
Recognise that she isn't doing this to you, that this isn't an attack on you by
your 6 year old child. That's a good thing to remember when someone is really,
really upset. This is about her and about how she feels and about how she
doesn't have any ability to give any more than she already has. And wait, and be
calm, and don't press your agenda, don't push, just wait. Be there for her when
she wants you to be. Sit with her and near her and be as quiet and loving as you
can be. And as she moves from that moment don't take that time to discuss it.
Offer food and drink and cuddles and comfort as required. And later, when it's
quiet and calm and the moment feels right, talk about, only briefly, how
breathing helps and do deep breaths together
http://www.sandradodd.com/breathing.
My dad, who is 72, lost his temper when he and his wife were visiting. It was
huge and swift and scary. I was a little girl in that moment. He'd grown
frustrated trying to deal with travel things and he snapped at his wife. Big
rage. I wish someone had helped him at some point in his life to be calmer, to
notice the little things that help to calm, to go slower. But at 72 my dad can
throw a wobbly that is probably at least as extreme as the one my once upon a
time 6 year old threw. I think the expectation that someone should grow out of
something may not be nearly as helpful as looking for ways to make something
less likely to occur.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Katie <katie_kees@...>
My daughter,6, gets so upset about things and will scream and cry for sometimes
30 minutes or longer. For example, she wanted to show me that she had mastered
the monkey bars. Unfortunately she couldn't do it when she was trying to show
me. I completely understood her frustration but I can't help her when she runs
off screaming. I went after her to hug her and try to talk but she just covers
her ears and screams louder. And it never fails that when she's in this "state"
(I don't know what else to call it) she will somehow get hurt which escalates
things. She also does this screaming when we mention doing something that she
doesn't want to do. One example is that we were going to go out to eat for
Mother's Day and just the mention of it sent her screaming and not listening to
a word anyone said. Now the rest of us wanted to go out, but we did not because
she had gotten so worked up. This is making it very hard when my other daughter
really wants to do something and Hannah will not even consider it.
This is not really new for her. When she was just a few weeks old we discovered
after a few incidents that she did not want anyone except Mom or Dad to hold
her. The few occasions that someone tried she would scream for over an hour and
there was really nothing I could do to help. I have so many example of someone
or something setting her off and her screaming for a long time. I just always
thought that she would "grow" out of this.
It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried asking her
what I can do to help and she doesn't know either. Are there any thoughts of
what I'm missing?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"Katie" <katie_kees@...> wrote:
It seems pretty clear she doesn't want your help in that moment, though, other than to give her the space and time to calm down in private. My daughter is like that - she'll go to her room or climb under the covers in my bed, or if we're out she'll go get in the car and pull something over her face. She doesn't want other people when she's upset, she wants privacy. So it could help You to see privacy as something you give your daughter.
If I'm getting worked up and fussy that Mo is upset, it doesn't help Mo calm down. I *can't* help in the sense of doing something to make things better but I can sure make things worse by adding my own stress to the mix!
Outside of big, stressful moment, you can offer your daughter some other coping skills, but you may need to come at the situation sideways, as it were - talk about things other people do (you, someone you know) when you're frustrated. Maybe make suggestions in moments of small stress, but not big, intense times.
If screaming is a regular part of her self-soothing process, then show her how to blow out big breaths when she's a little bit frustrated. Get her lots of balloons and bubbles to play with, too - as fun things, but knowing that blowing out big breaths is calming, as well. But if she's screaming to block out your words, stop talking! That's really important. And if she's running away to avoid your talking or hugging that's setting her up to get hurt, fleeing in a blind panic. Make sure she has "escape routes" - where can she go if she gets upset? How can you help her get there Fast so she can have maximum privacy as soon as possible?
That really makes me think people are saying too much to her when she's upset. Don't talk or explain, let her react first. You certainly know her opinion and how strong it is! So work with that in a matter-of-fact way: "clearly, this idea won't work for sissy" and move on. Morgan also can't stand to be spoken to when she's upset - it pushes her further into some kind of overload - unless you happen to say Exactly the right thing. I don't often get the exact right thing, so I've learned to stop guessing after one or two tries because it really doesn't help to have me come up with one wrong idea afer another. It frustrates me and pushes her deeper into her misery, more likely to need to flee to some private space.
She won't be 6 forever, and as she gets older you'll have more options - options that include doing different things with each sister, for instance. At this point, if your daughter is having a melt-down, you're not going to go anywhere or do anything during that time - so take that as a given, not something to try to negotiate around.
>Unfortunately she couldn't do it when she was trying to show me. I completely understood her frustration but I can't help her when she runs off screaming.********************
It seems pretty clear she doesn't want your help in that moment, though, other than to give her the space and time to calm down in private. My daughter is like that - she'll go to her room or climb under the covers in my bed, or if we're out she'll go get in the car and pull something over her face. She doesn't want other people when she's upset, she wants privacy. So it could help You to see privacy as something you give your daughter.
If I'm getting worked up and fussy that Mo is upset, it doesn't help Mo calm down. I *can't* help in the sense of doing something to make things better but I can sure make things worse by adding my own stress to the mix!
Outside of big, stressful moment, you can offer your daughter some other coping skills, but you may need to come at the situation sideways, as it were - talk about things other people do (you, someone you know) when you're frustrated. Maybe make suggestions in moments of small stress, but not big, intense times.
If screaming is a regular part of her self-soothing process, then show her how to blow out big breaths when she's a little bit frustrated. Get her lots of balloons and bubbles to play with, too - as fun things, but knowing that blowing out big breaths is calming, as well. But if she's screaming to block out your words, stop talking! That's really important. And if she's running away to avoid your talking or hugging that's setting her up to get hurt, fleeing in a blind panic. Make sure she has "escape routes" - where can she go if she gets upset? How can you help her get there Fast so she can have maximum privacy as soon as possible?
>> One example is that we were going to go out to eat for Mother's Day and just the mention of it sent her screaming and not listening to a word anyone said.*******************
That really makes me think people are saying too much to her when she's upset. Don't talk or explain, let her react first. You certainly know her opinion and how strong it is! So work with that in a matter-of-fact way: "clearly, this idea won't work for sissy" and move on. Morgan also can't stand to be spoken to when she's upset - it pushes her further into some kind of overload - unless you happen to say Exactly the right thing. I don't often get the exact right thing, so I've learned to stop guessing after one or two tries because it really doesn't help to have me come up with one wrong idea afer another. It frustrates me and pushes her deeper into her misery, more likely to need to flee to some private space.
>This is making it very hard when my other daughter really wants to do something and Hannah will not even consider it.*******************
She won't be 6 forever, and as she gets older you'll have more options - options that include doing different things with each sister, for instance. At this point, if your daughter is having a melt-down, you're not going to go anywhere or do anything during that time - so take that as a given, not something to try to negotiate around.
> It is miserable to be around her when this is going on.
> My daughter,6, gets so upset about things and will scream and cry for sometimes 30 minutes or longer. For example, she wanted to show me that she had mastered the monkey bars. Unfortunately she couldn't do it when she was trying to show me. I completely understood her frustration but I can't help her when she runs off screaming. I went after her to hug her and try to talk but she just covers her ears and screams louder. And it never fails that when she's in this "state" (I don't know what else to call it) she will somehow get hurt which escalates things. She also does this screaming when we mention doing something that she doesn't want to do. One example is that we were going to go out to eat for Mother's Day and just the mention of it sent her screaming and not listening to a word anyone said. Now the rest of us wanted to go out, but we did not because she had gotten so worked up. This is making it very hard when my other daughter really wants to do something and Hannah will not even consider it.
>
> This is not really new for her. When she was just a few weeks old we discovered after a few incidents that she did not want anyone except Mom or Dad to hold her. The few occasions that someone tried she would scream for over an hour and there was really nothing I could do to help. I have so many example of someone or something setting her off and her screaming for a long time. I just always thought that she would "grow" out of this.
>
> It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried asking her what I can do to help and she doesn't know either. Are there any thoughts of what I'm missing?
>
plaidpanties666
Sorry my other post got cut off - Glenda said what I wanted, anyway.
"wtexans" <wtexans@...> wrote:
---Meredith
"wtexans" <wtexans@...> wrote:
> Try being nearby, in a calm and quiet way, and see if that helpsIt's good to know what "helps" means, too! Don't expect to "get her calmed down" or help her move through her upset faster. Be available if she needs you - maybe nearby, but maybe out of sight and hearing so she feels totally private for awhile. For now, rather than thinking "helps" it could be better to think "don't make things worse" as a way to decide what to do or not do in the moment.
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
This seems important to me in the following quote: "for awhile. For now,"
-=-It's good to know what "helps" means, too! Don't expect to "get her calmed
down" or help her move through her upset faster. Be available if she needs you -
maybe nearby, but maybe out of sight and hearing so she feels totally private
for awhile. For now, rather than thinking "helps" it could be better to think
"don't make things worse" as a way to decide what to do or not do in the moment.
-=-
I'm afraid someone will read quickly and assume that they should NEVER expect a
child to learn better ways to calm down.
But at first, for now, just don't make things worse if you can help it, and
longterm, when you can talk to her when she's calm, or when you can talk through
one of your own calming-down sessions, gradually move toward giving her tools or
helping her discover ways to recognize her own moods and maybe calm down when
she's unhappy.
Sandra
-=-It's good to know what "helps" means, too! Don't expect to "get her calmed
down" or help her move through her upset faster. Be available if she needs you -
maybe nearby, but maybe out of sight and hearing so she feels totally private
for awhile. For now, rather than thinking "helps" it could be better to think
"don't make things worse" as a way to decide what to do or not do in the moment.
-=-
I'm afraid someone will read quickly and assume that they should NEVER expect a
child to learn better ways to calm down.
But at first, for now, just don't make things worse if you can help it, and
longterm, when you can talk to her when she's calm, or when you can talk through
one of your own calming-down sessions, gradually move toward giving her tools or
helping her discover ways to recognize her own moods and maybe calm down when
she's unhappy.
Sandra
Katie
I guess my need to "help" is to get it over with faster. The other night a neighbor called to make sure we were alright because she heard my daughter screaming and we couldn't get her to come inside (peacefully anyway). So I guess I feel that I need to do something.
I have tried just giving her space but that seems to make her upset too. I probably do too much talking so maybe that is the problem.
I feel like my older daughter (8) is missing out on things she is looking forward to because of this. To me she is too young to have to be so understanding.
I do appreciate all of the suggestions and I will definitely try them.
I have tried just giving her space but that seems to make her upset too. I probably do too much talking so maybe that is the problem.
I feel like my older daughter (8) is missing out on things she is looking forward to because of this. To me she is too young to have to be so understanding.
I do appreciate all of the suggestions and I will definitely try them.
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> This seems important to me in the following quote: "for awhile. For now,"
>
> -=-It's good to know what "helps" means, too! Don't expect to "get her calmed
> down" or help her move through her upset faster. Be available if she needs you -
>
> maybe nearby, but maybe out of sight and hearing so she feels totally private
> for awhile. For now, rather than thinking "helps" it could be better to think
> "don't make things worse" as a way to decide what to do or not do in the moment.
>
> -=-
>
> I'm afraid someone will read quickly and assume that they should NEVER expect a
> child to learn better ways to calm down.
>
> But at first, for now, just don't make things worse if you can help it, and
> longterm, when you can talk to her when she's calm, or when you can talk through
> one of your own calming-down sessions, gradually move toward giving her tools or
> helping her discover ways to recognize her own moods and maybe calm down when
> she's unhappy.
>
> Sandra
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On May 14, 2011, at 9:03 PM, Katie wrote:
kids have said they recognized their child in the book and there were
some very helpful ideas.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> The other night a neighbor called to make sure we were alrightHave you read The Explosive Child? So many unschoolers with intense
> because she heard my daughter screaming and we couldn't get her to
> come inside (peacefully anyway). So I guess I feel that I need to do
> something.
kids have said they recognized their child in the book and there were
some very helpful ideas.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Honey And me
Sometimes what one is missing or plain old forgetting, is the fact that
each child is her own person with her own individual personal feelings
and emotions. If she is upset, SHE has to be upset without
interruptions or she can't feel better in the end. Yes, it is hard to
see your child hurt but this is what I have learned from my own
emotional 5 1/2 year old child. The more I leave her "be", the faster
she will be able to "get out" what was bothering her and then we can
move onto "how much better she feels now" and just enjoy the rest of the
day!
each child is her own person with her own individual personal feelings
and emotions. If she is upset, SHE has to be upset without
interruptions or she can't feel better in the end. Yes, it is hard to
see your child hurt but this is what I have learned from my own
emotional 5 1/2 year old child. The more I leave her "be", the faster
she will be able to "get out" what was bothering her and then we can
move onto "how much better she feels now" and just enjoy the rest of the
day!
--- In [email protected], "Katie" <katie_kees@...> wrote:
>
> My daughter,6, gets so upset about things and will scream and cry for
sometimes 30 minutes or longer. For example, she wanted to show me that
she had mastered the monkey bars. Unfortunately she couldn't do it when
she was trying to show me. I completely understood her frustration but I
can't help her when she runs off screaming. I went after her to hug her
and try to talk but she just covers her ears and screams louder. And it
never fails that when she's in this "state" (I don't know what else to
call it) she will somehow get hurt which escalates things. She also does
this screaming when we mention doing something that she doesn't want to
do. One example is that we were going to go out to eat for Mother's Day
and just the mention of it sent her screaming and not listening to a
word anyone said. Now the rest of us wanted to go out, but we did not
because she had gotten so worked up. This is making it very hard when my
other daughter really wants to do something and Hannah will not even
consider it.
>
> This is not really new for her. When she was just a few weeks old we
discovered after a few incidents that she did not want anyone except Mom
or Dad to hold her. The few occasions that someone tried she would
scream for over an hour and there was really nothing I could do to help.
I have so many example of someone or something setting her off and her
screaming for a long time. I just always thought that she would "grow"
out of this.
>
> It is miserable to be around her when this is going on. I have tried
asking her what I can do to help and she doesn't know either. Are there
any thoughts of what I'm missing?
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-Sometimes what one is missing or plain old forgetting, is the fact that
each child is her own person with her own individual personal feelings
and emotions. If she is upset, SHE has to be upset without
interruptions or she can't feel better in the end.-=-
It depends when and where it's happening.
In one's own home in the middle of the day if no one else is trying to sleep, let her be upset without interruption.
Truth is, though, there is a benefit to helping children figure out ways to deal with their emotional responses because there are many more times and places where yelling and flailing is NOT okay than places where it is okay.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
each child is her own person with her own individual personal feelings
and emotions. If she is upset, SHE has to be upset without
interruptions or she can't feel better in the end.-=-
It depends when and where it's happening.
In one's own home in the middle of the day if no one else is trying to sleep, let her be upset without interruption.
Truth is, though, there is a benefit to helping children figure out ways to deal with their emotional responses because there are many more times and places where yelling and flailing is NOT okay than places where it is okay.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sylvia Woodman
>I know this is slightly off topic, but one thing that has worked for us for
> ^ One example is that we were going to go out to eat for Mother's Day and
> just the mention of it sent her screaming and not listening to a word anyone
> said. Now the rest of us wanted to go out, but we did not because she had
> gotten so worked up. This is making it very hard when my other daughter
> really wants to do something and Hannah will not even consider it.^
>
the last several years is, instead of going out for Mother's Day, when
restaurants are crowded, is to get everyone together at our place and order
in a pile of Chinese food. We all get to be together, no one has to cook
and it is MUCH easier on the kids and therefore more relaxing for me.
Sylvia
Gabriella (6) and Harry (4)
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> Reply to sender<katie_kees@...?subject=Re%3A%20trying%20to%20help%20my%20daughter>| Reply
> to group<[email protected]?subject=Re%3A%20trying%20to%20help%20my%20daughter>| Reply
> via web post<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/post;_ylc=X3oDMTJxYmZmOGRwBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1NTQyMTExBG1zZ0lkAzYxMTc3BHNlYwNmdHIEc2xrA3JwbHkEc3RpbWUDMTMwNTM0MDg1Ng--?act=reply&messageNum=61177>| Start
> a New Topic<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/post;_ylc=X3oDMTJlcXIxZTlkBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1NTQyMTExBHNlYwNmdHIEc2xrA250cGMEc3RpbWUDMTMwNTM0MDg1Ng-->
> Messages in this topic<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/message/61177;_ylc=X3oDMTM2cWM4ZGN2BF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1NTQyMTExBG1zZ0lkAzYxMTc3BHNlYwNmdHIEc2xrA3Z0cGMEc3RpbWUDMTMwNTM0MDg1NgR0cGNJZAM2MTE3Nw-->(
> 1)
> Recent Activity:
>
> - New Members<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/members;_ylc=X3oDMTJmazA3MnJzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1NTQyMTExBHNlYwN2dGwEc2xrA3ZtYnJzBHN0aW1lAzEzMDUzNDA4NTY-?o=6>
> 16
>
> Visit Your Group<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning;_ylc=X3oDMTJlNm8yODk3BF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1NTQyMTExBHNlYwN2dGwEc2xrA3ZnaHAEc3RpbWUDMTMwNTM0MDg1Ng-->
> MARKETPLACE
>
> Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get
> the Yahoo! Toolbar now.<http://global.ard.yahoo.com/SIG=15o0rflcl/M=493064.14543979.14365478.13298430/D=groups/S=1705542111:MKP1/Y=YAHOO/EXP=1305348057/L=98aaca46-7dd3-11e0-8f9b-1374633eb7e8/B=RDWtsGKImis-/J=1305340857439665/K=M5eLwJ.rDnOnMQJl9zqGvw/A=6060255/R=0/SIG=1194m4keh/*http://us.toolbar.yahoo.com/?.cpdl=grpj>
> ------------------------------
>
> Get great advice about dogs and cats. Visit the Dog & Cat Answers Center.<http://global.ard.yahoo.com/SIG=15o7r6c9k/M=493064.14543977.14365476.10835568/D=groups/S=1705542111:MKP1/Y=YAHOO/EXP=1305348057/L=98aaca46-7dd3-11e0-8f9b-1374633eb7e8/B=RTWtsGKImis-/J=1305340857439665/K=M5eLwJ.rDnOnMQJl9zqGvw/A=6078812/R=0/SIG=114ae4ln1/*http://dogandcatanswers.yahoo.com/>
> [image: Yahoo! Groups]<http://groups.yahoo.com/;_ylc=X3oDMTJka2h1Zm9kBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1NTQyMTExBHNlYwNmdHIEc2xrA2dmcARzdGltZQMxMzA1MzQwODU2>
> Switch to: Text-Only<[email protected]?subject=Change+Delivery+Format:+Traditional>,
> Daily Digest<[email protected]?subject=Email+Delivery:+Digest>�
> Unsubscribe<[email protected]?subject=Unsubscribe>� Terms
> of Use <http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/>
> .
>
>
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-I know this is slightly off topic, but one thing that has worked for us for
the last several years is, instead of going out for Mother's Day, when
restaurants are crowded, is to get everyone together at our place and order
in a pile of Chinese food. -=-
I don't think it's off topic, because it's a good example of seeing alternatives, and making thoughtful choices.
Sandra
the last several years is, instead of going out for Mother's Day, when
restaurants are crowded, is to get everyone together at our place and order
in a pile of Chinese food. -=-
I don't think it's off topic, because it's a good example of seeing alternatives, and making thoughtful choices.
Sandra
Jenny Cyphers
***My daughter,6, gets so upset about things and will scream and cry for
sometimes 30 minutes or longer.***
My youngest has done this. The good news is that she won't do it forever. That
30 minutes will one day be closer to 5 or 10 minutes, and the intervals between
will be greater. Margaux is 9 and has matured enormously in this way in the
last year. She used to scream and lash about over seemingly insignificant
things, but underneath there was always something larger. Sometimes, something
that happened days, even weeks or months ago, would come boiling to the surface
and off she'd go spiraling downward into tears and screams and fits of rage.
She still does this, but it's much less than when she was 6. It was rarely
about what it seemed that she was upset about, so fixing the obvious to me,
problem generally didn't help. It took lots of patience and letting her vent
and keeping her out of social situations that I knew she couldn't handle. It
took a lot of being at home and engaging in her activities. It took lots of
quiet moments of simply listening and getting to the root of the issue. No
amount of getting her to stop being upset helped, meaning that telling her to
stop screaming or crying or hitting or kicking did anything but make her more
upset. What we did, her dad and I, was a combination of distraction, humor, and
getting into her world, usually barbies or lego people or baby dolls, and just
playing with them while she screamed and cried and lashed about. Eventually she
would stop and become interested in the distraction of her world calling to her.
She's really good at finding ways to alter herself these days. When she feels
that urge, that rage of upset, she can generally walk away and do something
different to stop herself. If she's too hungry or too tired she is incapable of
doing that, so that's been a huge key to her success. Sometimes it's 15 minutes
too late to get her somewhere restful or some place with food. It really does
happen that fast.
It interfered with all kinds of activities over the years, but we've found ways
to make things easier for her so that the rest of us can do what we want to.
Going ANYwhere takes a lot of preparation. All her little worlds of play at
the moment must go with us, even if just a small part. Grocery trips involve
taking a sometimes, large bag of toys to the car and while in the car getting
the special whatevers ready to go into the store with her and we accommodate it.
It's time consuming and sometimes I need to remind myself to be patient, or
remind her sister to be patient, but the alternative doesn't work. If I need to
be quick on an errand I simply don't take her along.
The biggest most important thing that I can pinpoint is patience and kindness,
even in the face of another person losing it. We've done this for years and I
can see it paying off in so many large and small ways. So many parents would
never accommodate a child like Margaux in this way. Expecting a child to suck
it up and go along when their entire being screams something else doesn't help
them learn better ways to be, yet that's what a lot of people do. My oldest
daughter wasn't at all this way, she was very easy going, and that's just it...
some kids are, but when they aren't easy going, then at the very least they can
be peaceful going and that takes a LOT of effort on the part of the parents to
find ways to be patient and accommodating.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sometimes 30 minutes or longer.***
My youngest has done this. The good news is that she won't do it forever. That
30 minutes will one day be closer to 5 or 10 minutes, and the intervals between
will be greater. Margaux is 9 and has matured enormously in this way in the
last year. She used to scream and lash about over seemingly insignificant
things, but underneath there was always something larger. Sometimes, something
that happened days, even weeks or months ago, would come boiling to the surface
and off she'd go spiraling downward into tears and screams and fits of rage.
She still does this, but it's much less than when she was 6. It was rarely
about what it seemed that she was upset about, so fixing the obvious to me,
problem generally didn't help. It took lots of patience and letting her vent
and keeping her out of social situations that I knew she couldn't handle. It
took a lot of being at home and engaging in her activities. It took lots of
quiet moments of simply listening and getting to the root of the issue. No
amount of getting her to stop being upset helped, meaning that telling her to
stop screaming or crying or hitting or kicking did anything but make her more
upset. What we did, her dad and I, was a combination of distraction, humor, and
getting into her world, usually barbies or lego people or baby dolls, and just
playing with them while she screamed and cried and lashed about. Eventually she
would stop and become interested in the distraction of her world calling to her.
She's really good at finding ways to alter herself these days. When she feels
that urge, that rage of upset, she can generally walk away and do something
different to stop herself. If she's too hungry or too tired she is incapable of
doing that, so that's been a huge key to her success. Sometimes it's 15 minutes
too late to get her somewhere restful or some place with food. It really does
happen that fast.
It interfered with all kinds of activities over the years, but we've found ways
to make things easier for her so that the rest of us can do what we want to.
Going ANYwhere takes a lot of preparation. All her little worlds of play at
the moment must go with us, even if just a small part. Grocery trips involve
taking a sometimes, large bag of toys to the car and while in the car getting
the special whatevers ready to go into the store with her and we accommodate it.
It's time consuming and sometimes I need to remind myself to be patient, or
remind her sister to be patient, but the alternative doesn't work. If I need to
be quick on an errand I simply don't take her along.
The biggest most important thing that I can pinpoint is patience and kindness,
even in the face of another person losing it. We've done this for years and I
can see it paying off in so many large and small ways. So many parents would
never accommodate a child like Margaux in this way. Expecting a child to suck
it up and go along when their entire being screams something else doesn't help
them learn better ways to be, yet that's what a lot of people do. My oldest
daughter wasn't at all this way, she was very easy going, and that's just it...
some kids are, but when they aren't easy going, then at the very least they can
be peaceful going and that takes a LOT of effort on the part of the parents to
find ways to be patient and accommodating.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
JustSayin
Jenny's post was awesome. It described my son as well - I was going to respond to the original post but I wasn't sure I had any good advice except that she will no doubt "mature" out of it as my son is doing now.
Some kids just have a lot of frustration built in. My youngest would see all of these (supposedly) competent people around him (me, my DH and his older brother) and there were things he knew he couldn't do and this frustrated him to no end. He felt "out of his element" often and I could see it but it was hard to know what to do to help him with it. And no matter how secure I tried to make him feel, there is a general anxiety that is built into his wiring that makes him tense and worried (poor kid gets that from me). Also it wouldn't show when the "thing" was happening, it would show in other ways later like Jenny described here.
It does take a huge amount of patience. And there are many many times you just want to say oh for goodness sake just get over yourself. But I think about advice Sandra gave a while back on another topic - I want to have a long term healthy relationship
with my son - it's not about the quick fix. And freaking out on him because he can't get a grip on himself doesn't build a healthy relationship (and as Jenny points out doesn't work anyway).
It takes time, but I can see so much difference in him today (he's 7) than over the past few years. He is funny and really smart (well, he's always been that) and you can see now when he starts to have a fit he almost gets a little smile on where he knows the fit doesn't do anyone any good and is really not "necessary" any more. Humor helps now because he "gets" it, but there is a fine line between using humor to relax the tension and coming across as making fun or diminishing his feelings.
One thing I know is that getting him out of school (he went to two years of pre-school) was the best thing I could have done for him. You can know that at least you are not compounding your daughter's frustrations and worries by including school in the mix.
So as you can see I don't really have any good advice, except maybe to read Jenny's post again ;>
Some kids just have a lot of frustration built in. My youngest would see all of these (supposedly) competent people around him (me, my DH and his older brother) and there were things he knew he couldn't do and this frustrated him to no end. He felt "out of his element" often and I could see it but it was hard to know what to do to help him with it. And no matter how secure I tried to make him feel, there is a general anxiety that is built into his wiring that makes him tense and worried (poor kid gets that from me). Also it wouldn't show when the "thing" was happening, it would show in other ways later like Jenny described here.
It does take a huge amount of patience. And there are many many times you just want to say oh for goodness sake just get over yourself. But I think about advice Sandra gave a while back on another topic - I want to have a long term healthy relationship
with my son - it's not about the quick fix. And freaking out on him because he can't get a grip on himself doesn't build a healthy relationship (and as Jenny points out doesn't work anyway).
It takes time, but I can see so much difference in him today (he's 7) than over the past few years. He is funny and really smart (well, he's always been that) and you can see now when he starts to have a fit he almost gets a little smile on where he knows the fit doesn't do anyone any good and is really not "necessary" any more. Humor helps now because he "gets" it, but there is a fine line between using humor to relax the tension and coming across as making fun or diminishing his feelings.
One thing I know is that getting him out of school (he went to two years of pre-school) was the best thing I could have done for him. You can know that at least you are not compounding your daughter's frustrations and worries by including school in the mix.
So as you can see I don't really have any good advice, except maybe to read Jenny's post again ;>
--- In [email protected], Jenny Cyphers <jenstarc4@...> wrote:
> She still does this, but it's much less than when she was 6. It was rarely
> about what it seemed that she was upset about, so fixing the obvious to me,
> problem generally didn't help. It took lots of patience and letting her vent
> and keeping her out of social situations that I knew she couldn't handle. >