siblings
lalow
I have posted here before but just as background, I have 4 children. My youngest, Paulos is 5. Lydia is 7, Ben is 8 and James is 9. My husband and I adopted our two youngest a little over 3 years ago. I dont know if that is relevant but sometimes I think it is in light of some of our sibling issues. Ben had a pretty difficult time when we adopted the younger two but over time and with lots of understanding and acceptance of his feelings I think he has done pretty well and some of the problems we have I think might not be adoption related at all but just having a younger sibling related. For the most part I would say our kids get along well. They argue and tease some but I think over all they like each other and we work on being respectful and not teasing. The problems we have relate mostly to Paulos and Ben. Paulos does these things to the other kids too but they dont react as strongly as Ben. Ben is a very sensitive child and takes Paulos actions personnally. He gets his feelings hurt by them and then lashes out. Ben and Paulos share a room. They each have a private area in their room for things they dont want to share. Paulos goes into Bens private area quite often and breaks his things. He draws on pictures Ben is drawing, he takes apart or plays with his lego creations, he goes into Lydia and James rooms when they are not home and does similiar stuff. He just seems to get into things every chance he gets and I am trying very hard to be with him more but whenever I am not he gets into the things. In return, Ben is not very nice to Paulos either. He doesnt bother his things but he is not respectful to him much of the time. Something which I talk to Ben about alot.
Overall I think Paulos feels left out. The other kids play together alot but Paulos has a tendency to break things, knock peoples towers down, etc etc so they kind of leave him out. He has a hard time playing on computers or video games because he very impulsive so they get aggrevated with him there too. When we all play together he throws himself on the ground and stomps out of the room several times throughout the game, I guess to try to keep the attention on him. He yells alot, hits alot, anything to keep attention cause I think he feels very under appreciated and alone. I will say too that Paulos often, no matter what, feels he is being cheated or short changed. This I imagine is adoption related. He very rarely acts as if he feels he gets enough or his fair share. And he is very loud about it.
This makes me very sad, he is a wonderful little boy with a great sence of humor and quick wit. He has a great vocabulary and a wonderful imagination. He is also very loving and affectionate.
I find myself getting frustrated with Paulos. It seems like some days he does so many things that upset so many people that I dont have a chance to get past that frustration. I love him and I want him to see that love for him each time he looks into my eyes, each time he walks into the room I want him to see how happy I am that he is my son and part of our family and I feel like all he sees is frustration and resentment coming from us all.
Overall I think Paulos feels left out. The other kids play together alot but Paulos has a tendency to break things, knock peoples towers down, etc etc so they kind of leave him out. He has a hard time playing on computers or video games because he very impulsive so they get aggrevated with him there too. When we all play together he throws himself on the ground and stomps out of the room several times throughout the game, I guess to try to keep the attention on him. He yells alot, hits alot, anything to keep attention cause I think he feels very under appreciated and alone. I will say too that Paulos often, no matter what, feels he is being cheated or short changed. This I imagine is adoption related. He very rarely acts as if he feels he gets enough or his fair share. And he is very loud about it.
This makes me very sad, he is a wonderful little boy with a great sence of humor and quick wit. He has a great vocabulary and a wonderful imagination. He is also very loving and affectionate.
I find myself getting frustrated with Paulos. It seems like some days he does so many things that upset so many people that I dont have a chance to get past that frustration. I love him and I want him to see that love for him each time he looks into my eyes, each time he walks into the room I want him to see how happy I am that he is my son and part of our family and I feel like all he sees is frustration and resentment coming from us all.
Sandra Dodd
-=- Ben and Paulos share a room. They each have a private area in their room for things they dont want to share.-=-
Give Ben his own room, even if you have to give up the dining room or the den.
I was an older child of two when my parents decided to take in cousins. I shared a room with my cousin (who was slightly older, to add insult to injury) for the next seven years. My sister was sharing with the younger cousin, who was sexually abusing her.
My sister went from being younger of two, to youngest of four.
None of that was cool.
If Ben is crowded out of his own life because his parents chose to adopt, you might have problems forevermore.
-=-I find myself getting frustrated with Paulos. It seems like some days he does so many things that upset so many people that I dont have a chance to get past that frustration. I love him and I want him to see that love for him each time he looks into my eyes, each time he walks into the room I want him to see how happy I am that he is my son and part of our family and...."
And Ben sees that. And it probably feels to Ben like another rejection. I'm speaking as a child who was sharing her time and attention with others. They were cousins, and so there were genetic similarities, and we shared a set of grandparents. Still, if a husband takes another wife, quibbling about whether it's better that it was a sibling or a stranger is overlooking the main point.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Give Ben his own room, even if you have to give up the dining room or the den.
I was an older child of two when my parents decided to take in cousins. I shared a room with my cousin (who was slightly older, to add insult to injury) for the next seven years. My sister was sharing with the younger cousin, who was sexually abusing her.
My sister went from being younger of two, to youngest of four.
None of that was cool.
If Ben is crowded out of his own life because his parents chose to adopt, you might have problems forevermore.
-=-I find myself getting frustrated with Paulos. It seems like some days he does so many things that upset so many people that I dont have a chance to get past that frustration. I love him and I want him to see that love for him each time he looks into my eyes, each time he walks into the room I want him to see how happy I am that he is my son and part of our family and...."
And Ben sees that. And it probably feels to Ben like another rejection. I'm speaking as a child who was sharing her time and attention with others. They were cousins, and so there were genetic similarities, and we shared a set of grandparents. Still, if a husband takes another wife, quibbling about whether it's better that it was a sibling or a stranger is overlooking the main point.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]