Re: [AlwaysLearning] Digest Number 244
[email protected]
In a message dated 2/21/2002 9:51:44 AM Pacific Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
You're ALWAYS going to feel like other people don't understand what you are
going through - because you have very explosive, dramatic, intense,
passionate children. Some people have easygoing, mild-tempered, and even
compliant children <G>. They think that because their son has a little
meltdown once in a while, when he's tired or hungry, that that is all that you
're dealing with.
Some people will always be judgmental about how you've parented your kids -
because the kids will probably always be temperamentally like this and some
people are really uncomfortable around super strong emotions and they'll
blame YOU for not having "tamed" your kids.
So - that's my first advice -- don't compare your kids to others and don't
think you're screwing up just because the kids are like this. You'll have
calmer times, times of more equilibrium, and rougher wilder times, but really
I think it is a good idea to assume you're never going to turn your kids into
calm and easy-going mellow people.
And there is nothing WRONG with perfectionist tendencies -- it just means
wanting to do things right. Do you want a doctor who is satisfied with
mediocre, so-so, muddling through? There is a place in the world for
perfectionists. So VALUE that in your children.
That said -- you obviously want to help them be more happy - and pitching a
fit because they might get glue on their fingers isn't happy. This little guy
probably is going to need to learn that there are always going to be projects
that just aren't "his thing" -- so the best thing you can do is commisserate
while he's learning it - take him someplace else so he doesn't ruin the fun
for other kids -- and find him some stuff to do that he can enjoy. But once
you've offered him something that he can enjoy, if he turns it down, let it
be. You also have to be sure you don't take on the burden of making him be
happy about it -- you do your part and then let him be happy or unhappy as he
wishes.
That said, there probably is a lot you can probably do to reduce the amount
of fighting and melting down, etc. (Just don't think you're going to change
your kids' natures.) The book, The Explosive Child, is practical and useful.
--pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
> Maybe my kids tend to flood way more than others so I'm stuck in trying toTemperament matters.
> surround them with skills to help them cope. Mine fight with each other. Do
>
> not want to help me with any mundane chore, create messes on top of messes,
>
> very intricate detailed messes with lots of mixed lego parts and train sets
>
> and contraptions. They scream when they get frustrated.
You're ALWAYS going to feel like other people don't understand what you are
going through - because you have very explosive, dramatic, intense,
passionate children. Some people have easygoing, mild-tempered, and even
compliant children <G>. They think that because their son has a little
meltdown once in a while, when he's tired or hungry, that that is all that you
're dealing with.
Some people will always be judgmental about how you've parented your kids -
because the kids will probably always be temperamentally like this and some
people are really uncomfortable around super strong emotions and they'll
blame YOU for not having "tamed" your kids.
So - that's my first advice -- don't compare your kids to others and don't
think you're screwing up just because the kids are like this. You'll have
calmer times, times of more equilibrium, and rougher wilder times, but really
I think it is a good idea to assume you're never going to turn your kids into
calm and easy-going mellow people.
And there is nothing WRONG with perfectionist tendencies -- it just means
wanting to do things right. Do you want a doctor who is satisfied with
mediocre, so-so, muddling through? There is a place in the world for
perfectionists. So VALUE that in your children.
That said -- you obviously want to help them be more happy - and pitching a
fit because they might get glue on their fingers isn't happy. This little guy
probably is going to need to learn that there are always going to be projects
that just aren't "his thing" -- so the best thing you can do is commisserate
while he's learning it - take him someplace else so he doesn't ruin the fun
for other kids -- and find him some stuff to do that he can enjoy. But once
you've offered him something that he can enjoy, if he turns it down, let it
be. You also have to be sure you don't take on the burden of making him be
happy about it -- you do your part and then let him be happy or unhappy as he
wishes.
That said, there probably is a lot you can probably do to reduce the amount
of fighting and melting down, etc. (Just don't think you're going to change
your kids' natures.) The book, The Explosive Child, is practical and useful.
--pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sharon Rudd
create
shredded paper, cardoboard boxes, lots of odd sticks,
string, rope pieces, wire, and TAPE, duct and
cellophane. Maybe a little weld-wood. And dirt, sand,
mud, used coffee grounds, tea bags, maybe some sour
paper mache', old clay, lots of rocks (mostly
limestone around here) and a few leaves. Stir, add a
battery or two and a couple of hobby motors....now the
mess is mobil!!! Roy can make messes that are self
propelled. Only it is called an invention. :)
When he made a catapult....he catapulted raw eggs, at
least it wasn't a cow.
The prize goes to DH though. He put dishwashing
detergent in the dishwasher. Roy said it looked as if
Curious George had been to visit. The suds were over
two feet deep! So much for help with mundane chores.
And then there is my niece's bedroom.
Or Huck's cockroach raising efforts. He tried to
conceal it from me. He was concerned that I might not
like a palemetto bug farm in his room. There was prize
money offered (somewhere in Texas) for the longest.
Sharon of the Swamp not all of the swamp is outside
where I like for it to be
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> messes on top of messes,:) add in erector set, solar motor, palemtto fronds,
> >
> > very intricate detailed messes with lots of mixed
> lego parts and train sets
> >
> > and contraptions.
shredded paper, cardoboard boxes, lots of odd sticks,
string, rope pieces, wire, and TAPE, duct and
cellophane. Maybe a little weld-wood. And dirt, sand,
mud, used coffee grounds, tea bags, maybe some sour
paper mache', old clay, lots of rocks (mostly
limestone around here) and a few leaves. Stir, add a
battery or two and a couple of hobby motors....now the
mess is mobil!!! Roy can make messes that are self
propelled. Only it is called an invention. :)
When he made a catapult....he catapulted raw eggs, at
least it wasn't a cow.
The prize goes to DH though. He put dishwashing
detergent in the dishwasher. Roy said it looked as if
Curious George had been to visit. The suds were over
two feet deep! So much for help with mundane chores.
And then there is my niece's bedroom.
Or Huck's cockroach raising efforts. He tried to
conceal it from me. He was concerned that I might not
like a palemetto bug farm in his room. There was prize
money offered (somewhere in Texas) for the longest.
Sharon of the Swamp not all of the swamp is outside
where I like for it to be
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Sports - Coverage of the 2002 Olympic Games
http://sports.yahoo.com
[email protected]
Mary,
A good way to avoid frustration with the crafts is to just have a LOT of cool
materials available to your kids that they can use when/how they choose.
Pens (thick and thin), crayons, tape, glue, string, pencils and REAMS of
paper are down in a set of rolling plasic drawers that my kids can access
easily at any time. Also paints and brushes are within easy reach, although I
have them let me assist in setting that up!
I also firmly believe in providing children with the level of art materials I
would use....well, ok, not quite as expensive in some cases (I won't hand my
four y.o. a $30 brush) but real items that work well. Nice pastels, quality
paints and good paper will inspire their creativity and besides, it feels
better.
We also have a bin of confetti, buttons, wire, beads etc... anything
interesting and possibly useful. They have access to wood, nails, a variety
of cloth and felt, nature items......
You get the idea.
Provide space, time and materials with no expectations and they will amaze
you.
We go to art galleries and demonstrations to get inspired.
They often come home with the desire to try a new material or process.
More freedom will probably equal less frustration for you.
There is no reason for a pre-destined outcome type craft with young children.
Only if they ask for one.
Keep a lot of artsy/craftsy books around and they'll let you know if
something looks appealing.
Other than that, turn them loose.
Karin,
You made me laugh about the glue on the hand thingy.
We used to squirt glue on our desks in an oval shape, let it dry and then
attach to our fingernail as a fake nail. They were fairly convincing if you
got the shape just right! I was one of the impatient ones that couldn't wait
for it to dry. Did a whole set once though.....ah, the good parts of school.
Ren
A good way to avoid frustration with the crafts is to just have a LOT of cool
materials available to your kids that they can use when/how they choose.
Pens (thick and thin), crayons, tape, glue, string, pencils and REAMS of
paper are down in a set of rolling plasic drawers that my kids can access
easily at any time. Also paints and brushes are within easy reach, although I
have them let me assist in setting that up!
I also firmly believe in providing children with the level of art materials I
would use....well, ok, not quite as expensive in some cases (I won't hand my
four y.o. a $30 brush) but real items that work well. Nice pastels, quality
paints and good paper will inspire their creativity and besides, it feels
better.
We also have a bin of confetti, buttons, wire, beads etc... anything
interesting and possibly useful. They have access to wood, nails, a variety
of cloth and felt, nature items......
You get the idea.
Provide space, time and materials with no expectations and they will amaze
you.
We go to art galleries and demonstrations to get inspired.
They often come home with the desire to try a new material or process.
More freedom will probably equal less frustration for you.
There is no reason for a pre-destined outcome type craft with young children.
Only if they ask for one.
Keep a lot of artsy/craftsy books around and they'll let you know if
something looks appealing.
Other than that, turn them loose.
Karin,
You made me laugh about the glue on the hand thingy.
We used to squirt glue on our desks in an oval shape, let it dry and then
attach to our fingernail as a fake nail. They were fairly convincing if you
got the shape just right! I was one of the impatient ones that couldn't wait
for it to dry. Did a whole set once though.....ah, the good parts of school.
Ren
homeschoolmd
--- In AlwaysLearning@y..., PSoroosh@a... wrote:
satisfied with mediocre, so-so, muddling through? There is a place in
the world for perfectionists. So VALUE that in your children.>>>
I agree that wanting to do things right should be valued
however "perfectionism" should not be. Perfectionism, as defined in
the dictionary and the way I refer to it, means extreme or obsessive
striving for perfection.
I know the difference between a perfectionist and a person that
strives to do a good job first hand. I am a perfectionist. My dh
strives to do a good job in whatever *he feels* is worth the effort.
Because of my perfectionism, I have achieved higher levels in certain
areas than dh has but he does not burn out and has fun doing what he
is doing. For example, when I go on a bike ride it is to satisfy
some goal, it is hard for me to enjoy the moment. When dh goes on a
bike ride, he can go and enjoy the scenery, the beauty of the day,
the smell of the air.
Being a perfectionist is not fun.
The other day I told my kids I was feeling a little worried about
whether I was up to the job of unschooling them. They said "Don't
worry mom, you're good at everything". I worry!
Pat
>>> And there is nothing WRONG with perfectionist tendencies -- itjust means wanting to do things right. Do you want a doctor who is
satisfied with mediocre, so-so, muddling through? There is a place in
the world for perfectionists. So VALUE that in your children.>>>
I agree that wanting to do things right should be valued
however "perfectionism" should not be. Perfectionism, as defined in
the dictionary and the way I refer to it, means extreme or obsessive
striving for perfection.
I know the difference between a perfectionist and a person that
strives to do a good job first hand. I am a perfectionist. My dh
strives to do a good job in whatever *he feels* is worth the effort.
Because of my perfectionism, I have achieved higher levels in certain
areas than dh has but he does not burn out and has fun doing what he
is doing. For example, when I go on a bike ride it is to satisfy
some goal, it is hard for me to enjoy the moment. When dh goes on a
bike ride, he can go and enjoy the scenery, the beauty of the day,
the smell of the air.
Being a perfectionist is not fun.
The other day I told my kids I was feeling a little worried about
whether I was up to the job of unschooling them. They said "Don't
worry mom, you're good at everything". I worry!
Pat
Sharon Rudd
> They said "Don'tUh oh. Perfectionism is another one of those control
> worry mom, you're good at everything". I worry!
>
> Pat
things. Unschooling is not controlling....but you
still influence. You are a perfectly good influence.
All mothers worry. So worry already, don't obsess,
worry a little, it's OK to look out for the problems
and plan how to meet them. Being prepared is OK.
Planning a little is OK. And appreciating yourself is
OK, too.
Sharon of the Swamp
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homeschoolmd
--- In AlwaysLearning@y..., Sharon Rudd <bearspawprint@y...> wrote:
make unschooling difficult.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to continue to *try* to unschool. It
just means it is harder to unschool with my personality. :-(
Pat
> Uh oh. Perfectionism is another one of those controlYup - I think perfectionism should be put on that list of things that
> things. Unschooling is not controlling....but you
> still influence. You are a perfectly good influence.
make unschooling difficult.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to continue to *try* to unschool. It
just means it is harder to unschool with my personality. :-(
Pat
Sharon Rudd
I repeat:
You are a PERFECTLY GOOD
Sharon of the Swamp
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You are a PERFECTLY GOOD
> influence...............................>
>
> Yup - I think perfectionism should be put on thatcreate seems to be on the order :) of a sand painting.
> list of things that
> make unschooling difficult.
>
> That doesn't mean I'm not going to continue to *try*
> to unschool. It
> just means it is harder to unschool with my
> personality. :-(
>
>......................................................
> And I crave esthetic order. Oh well. The order I
Sharon of the Swamp
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Sports - Coverage of the 2002 Olympic Games
http://sports.yahoo.com