Service and relationships
Sandra Dodd
This quote is from another discussion, and was about school, but I've
pulled it for the seed of the idea.
-=- It's hard to get over the fact that for years, we had to do things
for other
people, completely unrelated to our own selves. -=-
This morning I switched out the laundry quietly because Marty was
asleep in the next room, with his girlfriend.
I hung his work shirt up so it wouldn't be wrinkly. I thought about
what I was doing, and why.
I don't "have to" do Marty's laundry. I could have "taught" him to do
laundry when he was ten (or younger) and bragged to all my friends
about it.
I could tell him if he's old enough to have a job it's his
responsibility to make sure he has clean clothes to wear.
The way I support Marty's willingess, eagerness, to have jobs is that
I help procure and maintain the clothes he needs to wear.
He's 20 years old. He could do his own laundry. But there are other,
more fun things he could be doing, too, and I was doing laundry anyway.
Am I doing that for Marty or for me? I could tell his girlfriend she
should do his laundry. I don't plan to do that.
Here's what I'm gaining: I'm still helping Marty's life be safe,
clean and comfortable. He's still living at home, he's not paying
rent, and we still feed him. And he trusts us and loves us and when
he had a personal crisis situation recently, his first two choices of
people to confide in and ask for help were his brother Kirby, and me.
(It's all better and calm and good now, but the first few days I was
honored that Marty chose me as his counsellor.)
By helping Marty without shaming or pressuring his girlfriend, I'm
making it comfortable for her to be around me too. She might be my
daughter-in-law someday. I don't know. Whether or not, I'd like for
our relationship to be a good one.
For Marty's part, he's never sullen or sulky if I ask him to help me
get something off a high shelf or to move something heavy or to give
me a ride. He's considerate in lots of ways other kids his age can't
bring themselves to be with their parents.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pulled it for the seed of the idea.
-=- It's hard to get over the fact that for years, we had to do things
for other
people, completely unrelated to our own selves. -=-
This morning I switched out the laundry quietly because Marty was
asleep in the next room, with his girlfriend.
I hung his work shirt up so it wouldn't be wrinkly. I thought about
what I was doing, and why.
I don't "have to" do Marty's laundry. I could have "taught" him to do
laundry when he was ten (or younger) and bragged to all my friends
about it.
I could tell him if he's old enough to have a job it's his
responsibility to make sure he has clean clothes to wear.
The way I support Marty's willingess, eagerness, to have jobs is that
I help procure and maintain the clothes he needs to wear.
He's 20 years old. He could do his own laundry. But there are other,
more fun things he could be doing, too, and I was doing laundry anyway.
Am I doing that for Marty or for me? I could tell his girlfriend she
should do his laundry. I don't plan to do that.
Here's what I'm gaining: I'm still helping Marty's life be safe,
clean and comfortable. He's still living at home, he's not paying
rent, and we still feed him. And he trusts us and loves us and when
he had a personal crisis situation recently, his first two choices of
people to confide in and ask for help were his brother Kirby, and me.
(It's all better and calm and good now, but the first few days I was
honored that Marty chose me as his counsellor.)
By helping Marty without shaming or pressuring his girlfriend, I'm
making it comfortable for her to be around me too. She might be my
daughter-in-law someday. I don't know. Whether or not, I'd like for
our relationship to be a good one.
For Marty's part, he's never sullen or sulky if I ask him to help me
get something off a high shelf or to move something heavy or to give
me a ride. He's considerate in lots of ways other kids his age can't
bring themselves to be with their parents.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
I've got to respond to this because Marty is a large part of my parenting
experience with Hayden. Hayden looks up to Marty and it's easy to see why :D
I sometimes step back from my own relationship with Hayden (in those
angstful moments) and look at him through someone else's eyes - When I pick
Marty's perspective, I want to "make things right for my little buddy and
get on with the fun" as it seems to me that is their energy.
I, too, think of those little moments where I *could be* (and maybe in
someone's mind there might even be a should in there) less generous and kind
-- and RIGHT THERE I stop -- and I choose the kindness because it feels
better all the way around. It heals the child for whom few grownups made the
kinder choice. It prevents damage to the child whose grownups strive to make
the kinder choice.
When I *do* make the less kind choice (oooh did I have a crabby, snappy
weekend!), sincere remorse and sincere forgiveness are part of the process
-- not forced, real and true. (I had a big ol snotty cryfest and felt MUCH
relieved) Because I create the same space for his less kind moments, too.
Funny thing is, they dissapate in a big space ;) And then we're free to
Start Over and pick kindness in the right now.
Marty's why it's easy to keep Sandra's voice in my head; their relationship
(and the relationships she has with all three kids) inspires me to follow
their lead, fostering what keeps us together and weeding out what pulls us
apart (usually my own junk). I'm glad it *just makes sense* with me.
A gift that keeps on giving...
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
experience with Hayden. Hayden looks up to Marty and it's easy to see why :D
I sometimes step back from my own relationship with Hayden (in those
angstful moments) and look at him through someone else's eyes - When I pick
Marty's perspective, I want to "make things right for my little buddy and
get on with the fun" as it seems to me that is their energy.
I, too, think of those little moments where I *could be* (and maybe in
someone's mind there might even be a should in there) less generous and kind
-- and RIGHT THERE I stop -- and I choose the kindness because it feels
better all the way around. It heals the child for whom few grownups made the
kinder choice. It prevents damage to the child whose grownups strive to make
the kinder choice.
When I *do* make the less kind choice (oooh did I have a crabby, snappy
weekend!), sincere remorse and sincere forgiveness are part of the process
-- not forced, real and true. (I had a big ol snotty cryfest and felt MUCH
relieved) Because I create the same space for his less kind moments, too.
Funny thing is, they dissapate in a big space ;) And then we're free to
Start Over and pick kindness in the right now.
Marty's why it's easy to keep Sandra's voice in my head; their relationship
(and the relationships she has with all three kids) inspires me to follow
their lead, fostering what keeps us together and weeding out what pulls us
apart (usually my own junk). I'm glad it *just makes sense* with me.
A gift that keeps on giving...
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
On Wed, Apr 15, 2009 at 11:32 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> Here's what I'm gaining: I'm still helping Marty's life be safe,
>
> clean and comfortable. He's still living at home, he's not paying
> rent, and we still feed him. And he trusts us and loves us and when
> he had a personal crisis situation recently, his first two choices of
> people to confide in and ask for help were his brother Kirby, and me.
> (It's all better and calm and good now, but the first few days I was
> honored that Marty chose me as his counsellor.)
>
> By helping Marty without shaming or pressuring his girlfriend, I'm
> making it comfortable for her to be around me too. She might be my
> daughter-in-law someday. I don't know. Whether or not, I'd like for
> our relationship to be a good one.
>
> For Marty's part, he's never sullen or sulky if I ask him to help me
> get something off a high shelf or to move something heavy or to give
> me a ride. He's considerate in lots of ways other kids his age can't
> bring themselves to be with their parents.
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kris
I, unfortunately, have those moments too and they serve us best as a
comparison. They don't give us anything good or valuable otherwise. The
kind choice, on the other hand, brings ME happiness from the get-go, it
brings happiness for all of us on a "time release" basis. The peace is like
a snow ball, the first kind choice leads to another and so on.
I wish it was like a pill, a sample for families to try. If they could
experience just a moment of the reality these choices bring I think they
would be eager to find out how to make it happen. For me, it takes slapping
the "don't let them get away with anything" voice instilled by my parents
out of my head. Without that I can see my kids for who they really are and
trust their intentions. Otherwise I would just be missing out on how cool
and fun they are.
Kris
comparison. They don't give us anything good or valuable otherwise. The
kind choice, on the other hand, brings ME happiness from the get-go, it
brings happiness for all of us on a "time release" basis. The peace is like
a snow ball, the first kind choice leads to another and so on.
I wish it was like a pill, a sample for families to try. If they could
experience just a moment of the reality these choices bring I think they
would be eager to find out how to make it happen. For me, it takes slapping
the "don't let them get away with anything" voice instilled by my parents
out of my head. Without that I can see my kids for who they really are and
trust their intentions. Otherwise I would just be missing out on how cool
and fun they are.
Kris
On Wed, Apr 15, 2009 at 12:16 PM, diana jenner <hahamommy@...> wrote:
> When I *do* make the less kind choice (oooh did I have a crabby, snappy
> weekend!), sincere remorse and sincere forgiveness are part of the process
> -- not forced, real and true.
>
--
A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome even for the King. - Emily
Dickinson
I haz a blog, u can reedz it!
www.krisspeed.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
> This quote is from another discussion, and was about school, but I'veOoooo nicely pulled out of context! It is so different in a stand
> pulled it for the seed of the idea.
>
> -=- It's hard to get over the fact that for years, we had to do things
> for other
> people, completely unrelated to our own selves. -=-
alone, I'm enjoying thinking about that!
I keep thinking about the part of being unrelated to our own selves and
how that relates to service to others! I do things for my kids all the
time. It's totally related to myself though, very much so, because it
is out of my love for my kids that I do things for them. I feel good
when I've done something nice for them, especially if it wasn't
expected.
So, I was reading what Sandra wrote and it's a bit about doing laundry,
which is funny because we just had our own laundry story happen and it's
totally related! Yesterday I washed Chamille's bedding. It's been a
while because she didn't want me to wash them. I thought it was making
her room smell bad, and she has a stuffy nose so she couldn't smell and
when her nose suddenly works again, it would be nice to smell pleasant
smells rather than stinky ones. So, while she was out and about
yesterday, I asked if I could please wash her bedding for her and she
let me. I wasn't trying to be weird and bossy about it, or make her do
something she didn't want to do, I really wanted her to have a pleasant
experience sleeping in clean bedding, since I know it's something she
really does enjoy!
It made me feel good to do that for my daughter, and she was really
sweet and requested to make it herself after it was all clean, something
which she has never done before. She wants a nest, not a traditional
bed, and she knew how she wanted it done, and doing it was easier than
explaining it to me. Frankly, I was happy to oblige because her bed is
hard to make, it's against 2 walls and it's a bottom bunk of a bunk bed.
All that to say, that we were doing things for ourselves and each other.
Chamille didn't do something for me, even though it was mutually
beneficial. I did something for her, that made me feel good about being
her mother, and it was something that she appreciated but wasn't
pressing for her to have done.
Most of her friends have to wash their own clothes and bedding, as I did
when I was her age. It happened every week. I HAD to strip my bed and
pile all my laundry and start the wash, even if I didn't think my
bedding was dirty. It wasn't something that I did for me, I did it
because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to leave the house to go
do stuff with my friends.