troubadour4me

Hey everyone, I will try to get my question out with a few common
examples of everyday life and I would like to see how others here
*deal* with this.
Today: Lukas and I head out for town stopping to get him some food he
wants,then we go to a game store then visit my Dad. It was fun. We
came home and like most days we play. We do alot together then he gets
into doing something by himself so I start reading on the computer.
Not more then a minute goes by and he runs in saying Hey mommy,I did
this or that. I say cool or wow and go back to reading. A few seconds
later he is back and so on. I then get a tone like OKAY,can i finish
this? I forgot to say he is 7yo.
sometimes i stop and play with him and we are done I try to go back to
what i was reading.It seems when he gets most of my time i should be
able to do something without being interrupted or would it be best to
go along with them until he is older?
I am not asking for a bunch of time...20 minutes?
I have said to him that i would like to finish and he has said okay
but comes running back in talking to me.
I have wrote in the past about the all day having to hear his video
games and I asked him to use head phones after 11pm at night and he
says NO. I have several different kinds that he has tried. He says he
doesn't like them so I have no quiet in the house and have accepted
that although i would like more suggestions.
I have said to him that he gets to be loud all day and i want some
time where it's quiet and I can do what i want. I guess i could wear
mack waxy earplugs...lol
If I say I do not want to be interrupted for such and such time would
that be telling him that my needs are important also? I worry that he
will feel like I'm shutting him up.

Robyn L. Coburn

I wear earplugs a lot. I wear them to sleep because dh really needs sound to
sleep well. I wear them when I am trying to write because it makes me feel
like I'm in a box. Sound is muffled, reduced but not eliminated, so I can
still hear when Jayn calls to me. It means that Jayn can play her computer
games and watch tv and I can still do a bit of work.

However I do most of my computing (eg blog work) before she gets up and
after she falls asleep on the sofa on those occasions when she falls asleep
before I do. I reduced the amount of time I spend on the computer, and
refocus my attention differently ever since Jayn accused me of loving the
computer more than her a few years ago. EG I only have two lists that I read
actively. I try to involve her in my online activities like my Etsy store as
much as she is willing.

When dh takes Jayn out, I grab that time for some intensive writing stuff.
Right now she is calling for me to play a Nancy Drew game with her, so I'd
better go.

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com

[email protected]

just wondering what type of nancy drew game?online?? my 9 yo DD loves ND.? tia ***sim'aria***





n, 12 Jan 2009 9:46 pm
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] constant Interruptions to be accepted?






I wear earplugs a lot. I wear them to sleep because dh really needs sound to
sleep well. I wear them when I am trying to write because it makes me feel
like I'm in a box. Sound is muffled, reduced but not eliminated, so I can
still hear when Jayn calls to me. It means that Jayn can play her computer
games and watch tv and I can still do a bit of work.

However I do most of my computing (eg blog work) before she gets up and
after she falls asleep on the sofa on those occasions when she falls asleep
before I do. I reduced the amount of time I spend on the computer, and
refocus my attention differently ever since Jayn accused me of loving the
computer more than her a few years ago. EG I only have two lists that I read
actively. I try to involve her in my online activities like my Etsy store as
much as she is willing.

When dh takes Jayn out, I grab that time for some intensive writing stuff.
Right now she is calling for me to play a Nancy Drew game with her, so I'd
better go.

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn L. Coburn

www.herinteractive.com

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jan 12, 2009, at 9:50 PM, troubadour4me wrote:

> It seems when he gets most of my time i should be
> able to do something without being interrupted or would it be best to
> go along with them until he is older?

Expectations can be damaging to relationships!

You expect that after spending all day with him that he could give
you a few minutes and he's not so you're starting to feel resentful
of him for not doing what you expect.

It hurts relationships -- and this goes with relationships between
adults too! -- to expect someone to respond in a certain way when
they have no clue they're being tested to see if their natural
responses match your expectations.

You could ask him for 30 minutes :-) Set a timer or put on a 30
minute video or music CD and when it's done, you're done. (And *do*
be done. He's trusting you to keep your end of the bargain. If you
damage his trust, it will come back to bite you in other ways! You
may hear him say "Yeah, that's what you *say* ..."

If he can't go for half an hour, try a shorter time. But if he can't,
he can't yet. Try again next year.

Some kids -- and adults too! -- do need someone they're sharing
life's happenings with. It's an extrovert thing.

> I have wrote in the past about the all day having to hear his video
> games and I asked him to use head phones after 11pm at night and he
> says NO.
>

It sounds like a solution imposed on him even if you've given him
several options of headphones. And the new problem becomes getting
him to conform to your solution.

Try going back to the original problem and brainstorming ideas with
him. You'd like to sleep at 11 and need some quiet. What are the ways
that might happen? Instead of turning him into the problem -- he
won't wear headphones -- involve him in the process of solving the
problem.

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

I was working on this e-mail ten hours ago when my sister called me
and I'm just getting back to it, sorry. We spent the day together
with very short notice.

-=-It seems when he gets most of my time i should be
able to do something without being interrupted or would it be best to
go along with them until he is older?-=-

Wait until his dad's there to read, or find another family to trade
play times with so you can have some alone time and the other mom can
too, maybe?

-=-I have wrote in the past about the all day having to hear his
video games and I asked him to use head phones after 11pm at night
and he says NO. I have several different kinds that he has tried. He
says he doesn't like them so I have no quiet in the house and have
accepted that although i would like more suggestions.-=-

Yikes. I would have said the FIRST time that he can only play late
at night if he wears headphones. Either wear headphones or turn it
off until morning.

I've said "It's okay" so many times to my kids they take me seriously
when I say "It's not okay."

Some families might have said "Anything you want is okay," and that's
a problem.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Schuyler

I didn't read for years after having Simon and Linnaea. That's not true. I didn't read much for a long time after having Simon and Linnaea. I still only tend to read at bedtime or on the toilet. It isn't because I don't like reading, it's because reading takes a bubble that I have to live in for a little while to get back into a book. It helps for me to reread books that I know fairly well and enjoy as I can pick them up and walk away from them with greater ease than books that are new to me.

It sounds like you don't really want to hear that, though. You want to hear that it is perfectly reasonable for you to have an uninterupted 20 minutes here and there. I've found that the more I feel like I deserve something, the more I feel that it is perfectly reasonable for me to have 20 minutes uninterupted to myself, the less likely it seems to be that it will happen. It's all perspective. The more I can relax and let it be good to hang out, all the time, with Simon and Linnaea, the more I can embrace sitting with them and watching them play Halo 3 or playing Goblet or building towers or making a tuna sandwich or whatever it is, the less taxing the interruptions seem to be. And then, suddenly, my time is less required. Not always, not that I can take 20 minutes whenever I want, but somehow when I relax into being there and with them whenever they ask and more than just when they ask, when I am generous with me, I seem to get time to just do stuff.
It's like I fill their cups and they can go for longer without needing my presence.

Oh, it's even more amazing then that. My back went out earlier this month and I've been hobbling around. And they cater to me. When I was really in pain and having trouble getting up from the couch, Simon was fetching the hot sock (a sock filled with dried beans that holds lovely heat when microwaved) and bringing it to me every time he thought of it. Linnaea was getting me drinks and food and the remote and their generosity was astounding.

I love when they bounce into the room really excited and want to have me see the new thing, the old thing, the thing that they are bouncing about. I love being given that gift. It's so much better than another chapter of a book, an uninterrupted episode of Ray Mears Extreme Survival, or whatever. Someday they won't be in my home. Someday they will have a life that isn't so much about sharing with me. So loving it now is really important. Really important.

Schuyler




________________________________
From: troubadour4me <ronniegreek@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, 13 January, 2009 2:50:58 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] constant Interruptions to be accepted?

Hey everyone, I will try to get my question out with a few common
examples of everyday life and I would like to see how others here
*deal* with this.
Today: Lukas and I head out for town stopping to get him some food he
wants,then we go to a game store then visit my Dad. It was fun. We
came home and like most days we play. We do alot together then he gets
into doing something by himself so I start reading on the computer.
Not more then a minute goes by and he runs in saying Hey mommy,I did
this or that. I say cool or wow and go back to reading. A few seconds
later he is back and so on. I then get a tone like OKAY,can i finish
this? I forgot to say he is 7yo.
sometimes i stop and play with him and we are done I try to go back to
what i was reading.It seems when he gets most of my time i should be
able to do something without being interrupted or would it be best to
go along with them until he is older?
I am not asking for a bunch of time...20 minutes?
I have said to him that i would like to finish and he has said okay
but comes running back in talking to me.
I have wrote in the past about the all day having to hear his video
games and I asked him to use head phones after 11pm at night and he
says NO. I have several different kinds that he has tried. He says he
doesn't like them so I have no quiet in the house and have accepted
that although i would like more suggestions.
I have said to him that he gets to be loud all day and i want some
time where it's quiet and I can do what i want. I guess i could wear
mack waxy earplugs...lol
If I say I do not want to be interrupted for such and such time would
that be telling him that my needs are important also? I worry that he
will feel like I'm shutting him up.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

John and Amanda Slater

-=-It seems when he gets most of my time i should be

able to do something without being interrupted or would it be best to

go along with them until he is older?-=-



*******
Eli is sometimes a constant talker.  Most of the time I love to listen but sometimes I just need a break.  Sometimes he can be quiet for a minute or to when I ask, more likely he can't. 

The book Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves had something that really helped me.  She asked would you really want them to stop talking all day.  Knowing that I would hate that, helps me to be more gentle when we are in conflict.  I try hard to stop and listen, or gently set him up with something to do for a few minutes.  I know that Eli can be hurt very easily and thinking I did not want to listen anymore would hurt him terrribly.  
Some distractions: a puzzle, a game, a snack, reading to him, a bath, getting the mail, a movie, asking him to check/get something in another room, I wish he would talk on the phone.  Stopping a listening for a few minutes until he talks himself in doing something.
Some kids talk a lot.  Joust be grateful no one is medicating them for it.
AmandaEli 7, Samuel 6





















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

k

>>>> Some kids talk a lot. Joust be grateful no one is medicating them for
it. <<<<

Whoa. Exactly. Karl is big on talking, humming, chatting, commenting,
hollering and hooting. I can not imagine him in school being ok with always
having to hush. His dad is the same way, and when he is home he talks
almost constantly on the phone. I'm very very quiet by comparison. It
takes it out of me to attend to lots of sound but it would absolutely take a
lot MORE out of me to have dead silence, and I would not enjoy the quiet if
it meant someone was being medicated into it. !! Ew.

Lucky for me, Karl wears headphones sometimes (not always... and I'm fine
with that). Getting up earlier has worked well for me (and I'm a night owl)
in order to have uninterrupted writing, reading, thinking time.

~Katherine


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Three Mommies

>
> I am not asking for a bunch of time...20 minutes?
>

I can really relate to this. Some days I feel as if I'm going to explode if
I can't have just a few minutes of
quiet-concentrate-on-something-other-than-whatever-the
guys-are-doing-this-moment. I'm lucky in that I can usually get one of their
other mommies to entertain them for a while or I can remind myself that
being fully with them is a conscious choice that I make each and every day.

I have wrote in the past about the all day having to hear his video games
> and I asked him to use head phones after 11pm at night and he says NO.
>

Like Sandra said in her reply, "I would have said the FIRST time that he can
only play late at night if he wears headphones. Either wear headphones or
turn it off until morning." For me, it's not a question of expectations,
but courtesy and boundaries. I wouldn't hang out with someone if s/he made
noise at all hours of the day and night even after I asked for some quiet
time. It's not a grown-up lords it all over the kid thing. If the guys ask
for quiet time or for me not to disturb them, I gladly comply. (In fact,
Ryan just came up and asked me not to disturb him and Ethan while they are
playing Jedi master with their new light sabers.) I do it for them because I
love them and want them to be happy, and they do it for me for the same
reason. If they don't, I take a deep breath and remind myself that they are
kids and I don't expect them to be short adults. I will, however, remind
them that it's polite to honor other people's requests when you can. Most
times they say "Oh yeah. You're right." and try to be a little more quiet.
Sometimes, they say "But we're playing and we need to be loud." When that
happens, I try to remind myself that whatever it is they are playing, they
won't play it forever or even all day, and that there are times when I need
to be loud, like when I'm in the middle of baking something and need to use
the mixer.

I'm rambling. I guess I just meant to agree with Sandra's answer and then to
take it one step further to allow for exceptions, like important light saber
battles *grin*

Peace,
Jean Elizabeth

http://3mommies.blogspot.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-Sometimes, they say "But we're playing and we need to be loud."
When that
happens, I try to remind myself that whatever it is they are playing,
they
won't play it forever or even all day, and that there are times when
I need
to be loud, like when I'm in the middle of baking something and need
to use
the mixer.
-=-

But those times need to NOT be in the middle of the night, especially
if one lives in an apartment building or crowded neighborhood.

There are laws.

Why some parents decide not to be honest with their kids about laws
regarding quiet and appropriate clothing and such I will never
understand. Being unschoolers doesn't put anyone outside of the
culture or of the law.

Sandra

lyeping2008

Hi there,

Sound exactly like my kid LOL!! So much so, my hubby, peeping over
my shoulder, reading, thought it was a post from me!

My solution, in the beginning, was to just forget about doing
reading, watching tv or internet, no point for i will only be
interrupted again, and again and again LOL!

I just stay with DS, and use his enthusiasm to do things together.
If I have to do any cooking(if i ran out of my freezer stash), i
invite him to join in. If he is not interested, then everytime he
says "look at this, look at that", i just say come and show me here
in the kitchen, if he says "i can't", then I'll say "wait a minute,
i'm in midst of cooking, will be with you in 10 or 15 minutes.

I only catch up on what i wanna do, when hubby gets home and takes
over with showering DS and pjs and quite frequently, bedtime stories
too. So i either be going to bed at 7pm to read, or stay downstairs
and watch tv on my own.

DS soon got out of this mode, and I had the chance again to get on
with my daily routine. But sometimes, it happens again, but this
time, I find that i can sit next to him, reading and pay attention
to whatever he wants me to see. If the interuption gets too much, i
just forget my reading and join his games.

As for the loud night time playing, we have yet figure out a
solution LOL! Tried getting DS to put on his headphone but he
complains it's uncomfortable. Frankly speaking, it only bothers
hubby, so am considering getting hubby the headphones for the tv
instead. Presently, DS is playing his Nintendo or psp on low volume,
while hubby watches tv on a reasonable volume, with me in the middle
typing on the laptop. Seems like all parties are happy.

Hope this helps.

Hugs,
SharonBugs.

--- In [email protected], "troubadour4me"
<ronniegreek@...> wrote:
>
> Hey everyone, I will try to get my question out with a few common
> examples of everyday life and I would like to see how others here
> *deal* with this.
> Today: Lukas and I head out for town stopping to get him some food
he
> wants,then we go to a game store then visit my Dad. It was fun. We
> came home and like most days we play. We do alot together then he
gets
> into doing something by himself so I start reading on the computer.
> Not more then a minute goes by and he runs in saying Hey mommy,I
did
> this or that. I say cool or wow and go back to reading. A few
seconds
> later he is back and so on. I then get a tone like OKAY,can i
finish
> this? I forgot to say he is 7yo.
> sometimes i stop and play with him and we are done I try to go
back to
> what i was reading.It seems when he gets most of my time i should
be
> able to do something without being interrupted or would it be best
to
> go along with them until he is older?
> I am not asking for a bunch of time...20 minutes?
> I have said to him that i would like to finish and he has said okay
> but comes running back in talking to me.
> I have wrote in the past about the all day having to hear his video
> games and I asked him to use head phones after 11pm at night and he
> says NO. I have several different kinds that he has tried. He says
he
> doesn't like them so I have no quiet in the house and have accepted
> that although i would like more suggestions.
> I have said to him that he gets to be loud all day and i want some
> time where it's quiet and I can do what i want. I guess i could
wear
> mack waxy earplugs...lol
> If I say I do not want to be interrupted for such and such time
would
> that be telling him that my needs are important also? I worry that
he
> will feel like I'm shutting him up.
>

Jenny C

> If I say I do not want to be interrupted for such and such time would
> that be telling him that my needs are important also? I worry that he
> will feel like I'm shutting him up.
>


I want my kids to feel like they are free to interupt at any time. I
usually keep my internet browsers open all day, simply because I usually
can sit for only a few minutes at a time. So, I'll read, then do other
things, then post something, then do other things.

My focus is on my family first though, so, unless I'm feeling
particularly cranky or unsocial, I try to do other stuff than just
reading, which I like a lot.

Three Mommies

>
> Why some parents decide not to be honest with their kids about laws
> regarding quiet and appropriate clothing and such I will never understand.
> Being unschoolers doesn't put anyone outside of the culture or of the law.



I have no idea why parents wouldn't be honest about things like that. I
always tell my kids what the laws and cultural expectations are and whether
or not I personally agree with them. I also tell them whether or not I
would follow the law, the cultural imperative, or the custom and why I
choose to follow them or not. I do think that unschooling puts us outside of
the culture. We are breaking cultural norms. I don't think that not being
part of the dominant culture is as problematic as some people think it is.


Peace,
Jean Elizabeth

http://3mommies.blogspot.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

troubadour4me

I have always told Lukas that we must be quiet after 11pm. That's the
law. The video game loudness has to do with me not that neighbors can
hear, we have some pretty a pretty good size yard,a 1/3 acrea. Most of
the problem is that we have a small house that is open and any sound
is everywhere. there's no bedrooms except one small one and he likes
to be around me.
This house is owner finainced so the contract limits our options but
we have 18 months and it is paid off!!
That means freedom for choices...yay! I am definitly seeing his
*interruptions* differently. I changed how I was thinking and I
decided to welcome them and because of that I am feeling more joyful.
I love him so much and he is so happy talking to me, i am lucky that
he wants to share with me. Seeing his eyes light up when he is
explaining what he did on his game and asking me questions is the
best! Him knowing that I am interested...really interested makes me
value this time I have with him! This is the only time (his childhood)
that I will have ALL this time with him!
For myself and us,We have gotten out more in the last few days and
that has been good. His Dad took him out too.We recently couldn't get
out because of money,truck problems and I got in a stuck place,
feeling. Tomorrow i am going to target by myself for awhile and that
will help.So thanks so much for helping me see things much better!

>

k

>>>> This is the only time (his childhood)
that I will have ALL this time with him! <<<<

Karl happened into Brian's and my life and we have never been the same.

Last night Karl was saying that I (his mom) am going to live thirteen
hundred years... the biggest number he could think of to rattle off then. I
said oh not if he isn't there too, and he promptly informed me that he is
also going to live thirteen hundred years. ;) Oh good I said... that
should be a really nice long time. Such conversations are a great way to go
off to sleep.

~Katherine


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]