[email protected]

HI Wynn and all -
I'm a newbie to the list (joined when Elissa mentioned it on a local list -
Thanks!)....however, Wynn, a couple things jumped out at me in your post....

Re: ideas.....it sounds like a 'whole family' situation....it seems, from
your post, that you are the only one wrestling with 'what to do'....if one
person is 'sleep deprived' then, imo, that is a need to be expressed to the
family to gather other offerings of ideas/support/etc.....perhaps ds will
volunteer to be up....perhaps a rotation....perhaps dh can be flexible in his
schedule in a way that you cannot predict....perhaps just having everyone
know that you are struggling with this will give you the support you need....

re: opinions: THEORETICALLY, it is always ok to ask.....(I say theoretically
bec. I am aware that I get somewhat irked when I'm overwhelmed with cleaning
up vomit and dd asks for someone to go get a crayon for her - MY own baggage,
I know but I don't handle it well necessarily - is that more than you needed
to know?!) ANYWAY, imo, ASK....always ASK.....express your needs, sorrows,
ideas and trust that they will be answered in SOME way.....

perhaps the 'answer' will be that you feel energized and overlook the clutter
for a time....perhaps dd will go to bed early one evening which allows you to
'catch up'....perhaps dh will make arrangements with the kids for a
day.....perhaps dd will get up early one day and then have that missing
nap....perhaps it is a time of quiet that you need but since that doesn't
feel 'responsible' you say that it is the clutter that needs to be taken care
of (I once had dh take the kids out for the day and I sat on our swing
reading a book and fell asleep - I surely missed the boat on what I neede
when I planned that day of cleaning! - I tolerated the house and everything
so much 'better' after being refreshed emotionally, physically, spiritually)
....perhaps you are presenting dh with an opportunity to support you and be
with his kids....perhaps a 'family cleaning time' would be fun.....perhaps dh
and ds would surprise you with a clean house after sending you away to a spa
for the day....(ooh! I like that one!!).......perhaps perhaps perhaps etc
etc etc....

my point is, don't have any ONE answer in mind - that can be disappointing
and frustrating....esp. if the answer you want is for someone else to do
something....however, DO propose your idea.....and see how it all comes
together....could be quite magical!

and re: dd's crayon request....I thank her for the opportunity to go to the
edge (or beyond!) of my patience and trust that I can handle that edge more
lovingly next time....

Hope some of that will be helpful!
Jane


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

Welcome Jane!!!
I am so excited that someone from my local unschooling list joined. We have
alot of "relaxed homeschoolers" on that list (some radical unschoolers too)
and I have decided to start opening my mouth more on unschooling. See, I'm
recruiting too!!
I love your advice to not keep in mind only one solution. We had a family
discussion the other day (these are kind of new for us)
Joe had to do an electrical job the other night on the same night I got a
breastfeeding support call and was really needed. I couldn't bring the kids
(esp. Max 2 1/2) since this was a one day old baby. After quite a long
discussion, we determined that Max goes with dad, Emily with me (she knows
not to breathe all over the baby) and Emily got home in time to make her
cake all by herself. Everyone was happy! Wow!
I love having a democratic house!
Thanks to all of those on the list and the boards at unschooling.com for the
thought provoking discussions.
BTW, all my info is real also.
Elissa, who will soon be singing
Yippee - Kai - Yay! Sandra, can you yodel like a cowboy?

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/1/02 8:18:06 AM, jsutfran@... writes:

<< ..perhaps dh
and ds would surprise you with a clean house after sending you away to a spa
for the day....(ooh! I like that one!!).... >>

But it's not a surprise if they only do it because you said "If I come back
and you haven't cleaned the house I'm going to destroy you all."

Sandra, who remembers being in the haze of breastfeeding-hormones and
thinking it would never, ever, EVER end.

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/1/02 8:18:06 AM, jsutfran@... writes:

<< I am aware that I get somewhat irked when I'm overwhelmed with cleaning
up vomit and dd asks for someone to go get a crayon for her - >>

OH THAT ONE.
How can that have happened to both of us!? (Not exactly, I know, but the
feeling is fresh.)

I say in such cases "Do you want to help me clean up this puke first, or do
you just want to wait?" and they scoot to invisibility and they wait VERY
patiently.

Sandra

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/1/02 8:51:17 AM, ElissaJC@... writes:

<< Sandra, can you yodel like a cowboy? >>

Who told you cowboys yodel?

Swiss mountain climbers yodel. <g>

I can do the yodel in "Hobo Bill," and (not perfectly well) the one in "Ben
Dewberry's Final Run." This has nothing to do with cowboys, but with
listening a lot to old Jimmie Rodgers records.

Cowboy singers yodel. Few ever touched a cow, as far as I know. Some
touched horses, if they were singers AND actors. <bwg>

If you like yodelling, at least once a year Riders in the Sky perform(s)
here. They have a great yodeller guy.

Sandra

[email protected]

You are making me question my vision of the Southwest.
Elissa, who will soon be singing
Yippee - Kai - Yay! because she will be a cowboy singer *with* a cow.
-----Original Message-----
From: SandraDodd@... <SandraDodd@...>
To: [email protected] <[email protected]>
Date: Friday, February 01, 2002 12:33 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Sleep deprivation


>
>In a message dated 2/1/02 8:51:17 AM, ElissaJC@... writes:
>
><< Sandra, can you yodel like a cowboy? >>
>
>Who told you cowboys yodel?
>
>Swiss mountain climbers yodel. <g>
>
>I can do the yodel in "Hobo Bill," and (not perfectly well) the one in "Ben
>Dewberry's Final Run." This has nothing to do with cowboys, but with
>listening a lot to old Jimmie Rodgers records.
>
>Cowboy singers yodel. Few ever touched a cow, as far as I know. Some
>touched horses, if they were singers AND actors. <bwg>
>
>If you like yodelling, at least once a year Riders in the Sky perform(s)
>here. They have a great yodeller guy.
>
>Sandra
>
>
>To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
>[email protected]
>
>
>
>Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
>

Pat Cald...

>But it's not a surprise if they only do it because you said "If I come >back
>and you haven't cleaned the house I'm going to destroy you all."

I don't know about the rest of you but I don't care how the job gets done. Last week before I went swimming I said to dh "its garbage night in case you can get to it". When I came home and had to put the garbage out, I was *really* mad and went off on everyone. My 10 yo dd said to dh "was she like this when you were dating?" Later that night the girls asked me why I got so mad. I told them I think there are some things men should do and putting the garbage out is one of them. They told me all I had to do was let the garbage pile up and Daddy would get to it. Mom - "Well yeah but I would get sick of smelling it before then and he is not here as much as we are so he wouldn't care". Dd - "Ok then throw it in the middle of where he parks his car and he'll get the hint." I told my dh about this and we had a good laugh. This week I said to dh "remember its garbage night" dh-"are you telling me it had better be out before you get home?"
He's a fast learner!

Pat


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/1/02 12:10:41 PM, curtkar@... writes:

<< I guess I'm lucky in that my dh feels its his responsibility to take out
the garbage. 2 times a week, it's usually out there on the street the night
before garbage day. On the days when it slips his mind because he is stressed
from work or something, I remember and take out the garbage for him. >>

My husband SO feels it is his responsibility that when he was in Minneapolis
for over nearly four years (a six month contract extended, and extended, and
extended) he would call me Sunday night and remind me to put it out. And the
couple of times he forgot, I would call him and say "I put the trash out."
And a couple of times I forgot, whether he called or not.

But when he's home, I've only seen him forget once. He was probably feverish
and delirious and didn't know what day it was. <g>

Sandra

Pat Cald...

Thanks Karin. I'm a very conservative, structured person and this has really been a huge leap for me. Huge!

----- Original Message -----
From: Karin
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, February 01, 2002 3:06 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Sleep deprivation


I love reading your unschooling stories Pat! I'm on the other list too and have watched your transformation from hesitant, unsure unschooler to confident, I-can-do-this unschooler.

I guess I'm lucky in that my dh feels its his responsibility to take out the garbage. 2 times a week, it's usually out there on the street the night before garbage day. On the days when it slips his mind because he is stressed from work or something, I remember and take out the garbage for him. Then he comes home and says "Oh! I forgot it was garbage day today!" and feels very bad that I had to take it out. Is that chivalry, or what? He also mows the grass and is chief repairman around here. <g>

Karin




Pat Cald... wrote:

I don't know about the rest of you but I don't care how the job gets done. Last week before I went swimming I said to dh "its garbage night in case you can get to it". When I came home and had to put the garbage out, I was *really* mad and went off on everyone. My 10 yo dd said to dh "was she like this when you were dating?" Later that night the girls asked me why I got so mad. I told them I think there are some things men should do and putting the garbage out is one of them. They told me all I had to do was let the garbage pile up and Daddy would get to it. Mom - "Well yeah but I would get sick of smelling it before then and he is not here as much as we are so he wouldn't care". Dd - "Ok then throw it in the middle of where he parks his car and he'll get the hint." I told my dh about this and we had a good laugh. This week I said to dh "remember its garbage night" dh-"are you telling me it had better be out before you get home?"
He's a fast learner!

Pat


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Karin

I love reading your unschooling stories Pat! I'm on the other list too and have watched your transformation from hesitant, unsure unschooler to confident, I-can-do-this unschooler.

I guess I'm lucky in that my dh feels its his responsibility to take out the garbage. 2 times a week, it's usually out there on the street the night before garbage day. On the days when it slips his mind because he is stressed from work or something, I remember and take out the garbage for him. Then he comes home and says "Oh! I forgot it was garbage day today!" and feels very bad that I had to take it out. Is that chivalry, or what? He also mows the grass and is chief repairman around here. <g>

Karin




Pat Cald... wrote:

I don't know about the rest of you but I don't care how the job gets done. Last week before I went swimming I said to dh "its garbage night in case you can get to it". When I came home and had to put the garbage out, I was *really* mad and went off on everyone. My 10 yo dd said to dh "was she like this when you were dating?" Later that night the girls asked me why I got so mad. I told them I think there are some things men should do and putting the garbage out is one of them. They told me all I had to do was let the garbage pile up and Daddy would get to it. Mom - "Well yeah but I would get sick of smelling it before then and he is not here as much as we are so he wouldn't care". Dd - "Ok then throw it in the middle of where he parks his car and he'll get the hint." I told my dh about this and we had a good laugh. This week I said to dh "remember its garbage night" dh-"are you telling me it had better be out before you get home?"
He's a fast learner!

Pat


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dan Vilter

>
>Last week before I went swimming I said to dh "its garbage night in case you
can get to it". When I came home and had to put the garbage out, I was
*really* mad and went off on everyone.

Is this one of those men-Mars women-Venus things? What she says verses what
she maeans? What he hears verses what he sees?

As I sit here in the chair being male while I read this all I can think is
--He didn't get to it.-- Why were you upset? You didn't ask or tell him to
take out the trash and he didn't. Did you really mean to say "please take
out the trash before I get back"? or "please take out the trash before I get
back or I'll get mad at everyone"? Does "in case you can get to it" mean "I
really need you to do this" to the point of going off? or "I've been taking
care of the kids all day, dealing with there vomit and crayon requests, so
please respect me and don't make me take out the trash"?

I'm hearing one thing and seeing another.

-Dan Vilter

Pat Cald...

From: Dan Vilter
As I sit here in the chair being male while I read this all I can think is
--He didn't get to it.-- Why were you upset? You didn't ask or tell him to
take out the trash and he didn't. Did you really mean to say "please take
out the trash before I get back"? or "please take out the trash before I get
back or I'll get mad at everyone"? Does "in case you can get to it" mean "I
really need you to do this" to the point of going off? or "I've been taking
care of the kids all day, dealing with there vomit and crayon requests, so
please respect me and don't make me take out the trash"?

You are exactly right and that is what my dd saw when she said "was she like this when you were dating?" I guess I'm upset because I have to ask at all but that is another story.

So since you are from Mars you saw this poor guy that misunderstood his demanding wife - exactly what my dh saw. The other two women from Venus on this list commented that *their* husbands never have to be asked.

Pat


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Pam Hartley

So since you are from Mars you saw this poor guy that misunderstood his
demanding wife - exactly what my dh saw. The other two women from Venus on
this list commented that *their* husbands never have to be asked.
----------

I'll take the boy's side on this one, but only because I've read John Gray.
<g>

Actually, I think just asking right out for what you want is a good policy
in general. There is a difference between, "it sure would be nice if this
hallway was green" and "will you go buy some paint and make this hallway
green by next Wednesday?"

Sometimes, when one of my daughters comes to me and says, "I'm thirsty" I'll
say, "Thanks for the update" or "Really? What do you think we should do
about that?" and they'll roll their eyes and say, "Could you please get me
some juice?"

I think women (many? most?) are bad at asking for what we need. I'd prefer
my daughters be good at that.

OTOH, I think men need work on being more intuitive about other people's
needs. Wally is better than he was, and he was never awful. If I had a
son... he'd probably roll his eyes a lot. <g>

Pam



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dan Vilter

> From: "Pat Cald..." <homeschoolmd@...>
> I guess I'm upset because I have to ask at all
> but that is another story.
>
> So since you are from Mars you saw this poor guy that misunderstood his
> demanding wife - exactly what my dh saw. The other two women from Venus on
> this list commented that *their* husbands never have to be asked.
>
> Pat

I don't mean to be dense or confrontational. Honestly, my Martian view
didn't see you making a request - you didn't ask. "in case you can get to
it" Is an option to me. And my question is; is that because I am male? (from
Mars so to speak?) What is the source of the misunderstanding? When I have
forgotten about the trash, my LTW simply states "would you take out the
trash?" and there is no misunderstanding.

-Dan Vilter

Jorgen & Ann

>If you like yodelling, at least once a year Riders in the Sky perform(s)
>
>here. They have a great yodeller guy.

Ranger Doug. We just saw them in December. Great show.
Ann

Pat Cald...

From: Dan Vilter
>I don't mean to be dense or confrontational. Honestly, my Martian view
>didn't see you making a request - you didn't ask. "in case you can get to
>it" Is an option to me.

You are absolutely right. It was unreasonable of me.

>And my question is; is that because I am male? (from
>Mars so to speak?)

No and I apologize for coming back with such a flip answer.

>What is the source of the misunderstanding? When I have
>forgotten about the trash, my LTW simply states "would you take out the
>trash?" and there is no misunderstanding.

(read with a friendly tone)
I guess the problem *I* have is that I have to remind everyone to do their agreed upon jobs. Sometimes I get a little frustrated and this time I took it out on dh. Why would your LTW have to remind you to put the trash out?

Pat


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/1/02 5:40:43 PM, homeschoolmd@... writes:

<< Why would your LTW have to remind you to put the trash out? >>

Because she was more aware of what day it was, or tried to put something in
that didn't fit?

One of our solutions was Get a Bigger Trashcan. It was only half the issue
it had been before that!

I'm not always sure what day it is. My husband is always sure what day it
is, probably knows within fifteen minutes what time it is, how many days
until quarterly taxes are due, which day to mail each bill payment for the
best financial advantage, etc. He lives in a web of schedule.

I, though, know who was coughing at night and needs to be offered hot
chocolate by the fire, and that the dog's nervous because someone was playing
with fireworks in the alley and needs to be taken out there to investigate
the scene of the noisy crime, and that Kirby's sad because a friend forgot to
do something for him.

Division of labor.

Sandra

Pat Cald...

From: SandraDodd@...
<snip>My husband is always sure what day it is, probably knows within fifteen minutes what >time it is, how many days until quarterly taxes are due, which day to mail each bill payment >for the best financial advantage, etc. He lives in a web of schedule.

That's me, that's me!!!! (except for the web schedule)

Pat


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/1/02 7:38:02 PM, homeschoolmd@... writes:

<< He lives in a web of schedule.>

<<That's me, that's me!!!! (except for the web schedule) >>

I mean his vision of the world is overlayed with a schedule and charts.

That's you! That's you!

Pat Cald...

From: SandraDodd@...
>I mean his vision of the world is overlayed with a schedule and charts.

>That's you! That's you!

You're right! You're right!

So what can a person with a vision of the world overlaid with schedules and charts offer a child with a vision of the world that is so open and free?

Your dd sounds like your dh. That must be interesting for you.

My 10 yo dd is more like me than dh and 12 yo dd.

Pat


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/1/02 8:14:52 PM, homeschoolmd@... writes:

<< So what can a person with a vision of the world overlaid with schedules
and charts offer a child with a vision of the world that is so open and free?
>>

Remind them to eat, don't let them miss birthday parties and get them to the
movies on time!

Sandra

Pat Cald...

From: SandraDodd@...
Remind them to eat, don't let them miss birthday parties and get them to the
movies on time!

I can do that! I can do that!

Pat


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dan Vilter

Pat,
Thanks for being so gracious with me. I was being dense, please accept my
apology. Now that I reread them, I didn't fully understand your posts.
That's what I (you?) get when I read the posts quickly at the office.

You can add my name to the list of people who use their real names on the
internet. I live in Covina California, which is a suburb of Los Angeles.
You can even show your husband a photo of me and my family in the photos
section of this list. I'll bet he would be adverse to you posting a photo
so we all could get a clearer visual image of you and your family to go with
the one you describe in words here on the list...

Thanks for being on this list,
-Dan Vilter




on 2/1/02 4:38 PM, Pat Cald... at homeschoolmd@... wrote:

> From: Dan Vilter
>> I don't mean to be dense or confrontational. Honestly, my Martian view
>> didn't see you making a request - you didn't ask. "in case you can get to
>> it" Is an option to me.
>
> You are absolutely right. It was unreasonable of me.
>
>> And my question is; is that because I am male? (from
>> Mars so to speak?)
>
> No and I apologize for coming back with such a flip answer.
>
>> What is the source of the misunderstanding? When I have
>> forgotten about the trash, my LTW simply states "would you take out the
>> trash?" and there is no misunderstanding.
>
> (read with a friendly tone)
> I guess the problem *I* have is that I have to remind everyone to do their
> agreed upon jobs. Sometimes I get a little frustrated and this time I took it
> out on dh. Why would your LTW have to remind you to put the trash out?
>
> Pat

Pat Cald...

Dan, no apology necessary. Maybe one day I'll meet you all at an unschooling conference but I don't think I'll be putting family photos up on the "big bad interent".

Pat


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