halfshadow1

I might have wrote about this before...maybe not. Forgive me if i
did,i really don't think i have so here goes. Lukas' dad is not into
playing with him on the floor and he has said he doesn't like to sit
on the floor. I have suggested the table,couch or such but mostly he
says he wants to relax and sit and watch t.v.. He does take Lukas
outside and drives him to different places and likes Lukas to sit with
him to watch a movie or video game. I suggested to Lukas that he ask
daddy to play with him when i'm hurting too much or want to do
something and Lukas answers that dh will not do it.
I think he gave up on asking DH. Sometimes i wish that DH would say
to Lukas Lets play with the cars or something because i feel it falls
on me all the time and I am the one Lukas always asks to play with.
How important is it for a father to play with his son? Is it okay the
way it is? Should i just accept Lukas has a dad who sits in the chair
all the time he's home from work watching t.v.? Dh says he's going to
take him to ballgames and stuff when he's older. He has said his mom
and dad never played with him and his brothers when they were young,
they played with their toys. When they do go outside in the yard, Dh
sometimes will toss a ball with Lukas but mostly he will sit on the
chair out there. I certainly like playing with my son, I am wondering
how his father not playing with him will effect Lukas?

Sandra Dodd

-=-How important is it for a father to play with his son? Is it okay the
way it is? Should i just accept Lukas has a dad who sits in the chair
all the time he's home from work watching t.v.? -=-

I think it's better than having a divorced dad, so don't push it too
hard.

What about doing things all three of you do, outside the house?

-=-When they do go outside in the yard, Dh

sometimes will toss a ball with Lukas but mostly he will sit on the
chair out there. I certainly like playing with my son, I am wondering
how his father not playing with him will effect Lukas?-=-

Consider the options. If his dad isn't playing with him but you're
all cheery and everyone's happy, that's better than if you're
complaining about the dad not playing, and the two of you are arguing
about it, or even if you're expressing your disappointment in ways
you think are imperceptible. He'll still know. So try to make peace
with things as they are. Instead of checklisting what your husband
isn't doing, find the things he does do right. He goes to work! He
likes to sit with his son. It's not the worst thing.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

halfshadow1

-We aren't going to divorce, that's for sure but i see what your
saying and he really is super, He cooks and he does all the food
shopping. and that's how it usually is,i'm cheery and all. I haven't
said anything to Dh about playing with Lukas, I have been thinking
about it and decided to write here.-- In
[email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-How important is it for a father to play with his son? Is it okay the
> way it is? Should i just accept Lukas has a dad who sits in the chair
> all the time he's home from work watching t.v.? -=-
>
> I think it's better than having a divorced dad, so don't push it too
> hard.
>
> What about doing things all three of you do, outside the house?
>
> -=-When they do go outside in the yard, Dh
>
> sometimes will toss a ball with Lukas but mostly he will sit on the
> chair out there. I certainly like playing with my son, I am wondering
> how his father not playing with him will effect Lukas?-=-
>
> Consider the options. If his dad isn't playing with him but you're
> all cheery and everyone's happy, that's better than if you're
> complaining about the dad not playing, and the two of you are arguing
> about it, or even if you're expressing your disappointment in ways
> you think are imperceptible. He'll still know. So try to make peace
> with things as they are. Instead of checklisting what your husband
> isn't doing, find the things he does do right. He goes to work! He
> likes to sit with his son. It's not the worst thing.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Joyce Fetteroll

On Mar 6, 2008, at 2:43 PM, halfshadow1 wrote:

> Should i just accept Lukas has a dad who sits in the chair
> all the time he's home from work watching t.v.?

Wouldn't you want him to accept you as someone who wants to play with
your son?

We can't make people do something but we can make them not want to.
Lukas can be a pleasant addition to your life or something he's
determined to avoid because the thought of interacting comes with a
load of baggage about how lacking he is.

The more good in him you see the better the relationship. Goes for
kids and husbands.

> Dh says he's going to
> take him to ballgames and stuff when he's older.

That's how it was with my husband. He really didn't know what to do
with Kat when she was little. A lot of it has to do with not being
around her all day to get a handle on how to interact with someone
who probably feels like an alien creature.

When she was older, maybe fully verbal so they could talk, he'd take
her places. Now at 16, as they have for years, they do loads of stuff
together :-)

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

HI There -
Yes, to answer the question of 'is that okay?", the answer is yes....

My ex-dh wasn't into the kids when they were younger... he prefered to have them 'around' when he was doing his thing... watching football... working in the yard... if they didn't want to do what HE wanted to do, then that was fine.... he had back problems for a while so he would come home from work and lay on the floor and watch tv.... the kids would play around him.... it was terribly frustrating for me bec. I thought I didn't have a choice but to be the default if they didn't want to do what he was doing.... and I didn't believe him when he said that he would play with them when they are older and can 'do' stuff.... in retrospect, I see that I took on much more than needed....

Now that my kids are 9, 11, and 13yo, it's a whole different ballgame... he takes them skiing... plays football with them...takes them shopping... gets to their sporting events... he does a lot with them... AND my kids are really into the NFL and fantasy football with him.... they try to watch every football game together.... and talk during the week about who retired and who moved from team to team..... they all are also into cars together.... and they watched every episode of 'Friends' together.... and then played a trivia game about it....

Sometimes I wonder if the kids have taken on his interests bec. it's how they can connect with him but I see evidence to the contrary.... they are excitede about football and cars.... (2 boys and a girl)

Although it could be said that it is a function of his having the kids every other weekend but I don't think so, I think he simply REALLY enjoys the kids at THESE ages more than when they were younger.....

That's not to say that they are busy bees all the time over there.... my kids come home knowing a LOT about music videos and the new bands which is not something their dad would do with them! (I don't have cable tv here) I appreciate that they can pursue their interests over there too....

I see them as having a healthy respect for each other's interests.... they know what their dad is into and he knows what they are into.... and they support each other....

Sometimes, my middle son (11yo) will be sad that his dad travels so much for work.... my mantra is that he gets to decide what he is going to do and you get to decide how you're going to handle it.... sad to be missing him? grateful that he makes a good living for the fun things you are all able to do together? grateful that when he is in town, he makes an effort to take you to racquetball? happy that he has a job that he enjoys and grateful that you have a life that you enjoy? I also encourage him to talk to his dad about wanting to see him more... much better than me going to dad on his behalf....

I mention that bec. the relationship btn your son and his dad is THEIR relationship.... you can support your son in talking to his dad about what he'd like but it is still their relationship....

And perhaps the conversation to have with dh is not about his time with his son but 'support' for your time to not be interrupted... yes, you could leave the house but I feel it is nice to have time at home and have someone else respond to the children so that I can have quiet time to myself....

And a last thing... it could be a nice memory for your son that they watched tv together in the evening... perhaps in a few years, evenings will be hectic and he'll look back to those quiet evenings where they watched CSI together or whatever... and your son will grow up to be on those quiz shows and know all the answers to the questions about sitcoms of his childhood.... who knows?!

good luck...
Jane

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

Two intro comments and then I'm going to bring something from a post
I returned.

This is an unschooling list primarily and importantly, and it's not a
place to discuss where to find worksheets or how unschoolers do
math. (I've mentioned that on the side when necessary, and recently.)
This is an international list, and not a list about politics, and so
pro-one-country siglines or closings are inappropriate.


Without identifying the writer (except it's not me), this is a
response to this thread:

-=-having been at sahm for over 20 years and homeschooling as
long, i understand how youre feeling. imho i would just give
up trying to get something out of your husband he isnt going
to give you. alot of wasted time and energy. not being
negative but the other persons right, you cant control
someone else well i mean you could but you wouldnt like the
end result -=-
=======================================

My comment:

It IS negative. Just changing the words we use will change the way
we think. Changing the way we think will change the way we feel.
Changing the way we feel will improve the way we see our husbands and
our children and ourselves.

-=-. imho i would just give up trying to get something out of your
husband he isnt going to give you.-=-

"Give up?" How about "accept" as a much more loving and positive
alternative?
When a husband plays with a baby, it's not "giving" the mom something
so much as it's interacting with his own child. The mom shouldn't
personalize that to herself if she can help it. (And if she can't
help it, she might want to pay special attention to the new self-
improvement topic.)


-=-alot of wasted time and energy. not being
negative but -=-

Any talk of "waste" and "giving up" is negative.
It is a lot of wasted time and energy to think that way, but it's NOT
wasted time or energy to gently and lovingly help others in the
family see how valuable just a little more attention and contact can be.

Sandra

wisdomalways5

stop trying to make daddy be someone he is not- if lukas wants daddy
to play on the floor step in and say "daddy really does not want to
play right now he needs to relax but I will play with you"

be grateful for what he does do and not what he does not-

sometimes daddies need to see how others do play- my husband was an
only child he does not "get" playing with the kids toys but he does
other daddy things that I do not do.

MAYBE after a time daddy will say ok I can do that-

Julie


--- In [email protected], "halfshadow1"
<halfshadow1@...> wrote:
>
> I might have wrote about this before...maybe not. Forgive me if i
> did,i really don't think i have so here goes. Lukas' dad is not
into
> playing with him on the floor and he has said he doesn't like to
sit
> on the floor. I have suggested the table,couch or such but mostly
he
> says he wants to relax and sit and watch t.v.. He does take Lukas
> outside and drives him to different places and likes Lukas to sit
with
> him to watch a movie or video game. I suggested to Lukas that he
ask
> daddy to play with him when i'm hurting too much or want to do
> something and Lukas answers that dh will not do it.
> I think he gave up on asking DH. Sometimes i wish that DH would
say
> to Lukas Lets play with the cars or something because i feel it
falls
> on me all the time and I am the one Lukas always asks to play with.
> How important is it for a father to play with his son? Is it okay
the
> way it is? Should i just accept Lukas has a dad who sits in the
chair
> all the time he's home from work watching t.v.? Dh says he's going
to
> take him to ballgames and stuff when he's older. He has said his
mom
> and dad never played with him and his brothers when they were
young,
> they played with their toys. When they do go outside in the yard,
Dh
> sometimes will toss a ball with Lukas but mostly he will sit on the
> chair out there. I certainly like playing with my son, I am
wondering
> how his father not playing with him will effect Lukas?
>