joanna514
I'm wondering if I took the right approach on an issue with my SIL
and niece, so I thought I'd throw it out to you all, and get opinions.
My niece goes to PS and my SIL teaches 4th grade. My SIL and I
started out with the same parenting beliefs (fam bed, BF...) in fact,
she influenced me a lot. Ordered me Mothering, told me about LLL.
Anyway, over the years, we have gone in different directions, but
have remained good friends, though our busy separate lives, keep us
from seeing each other very much.
Their family dynamics are pretty different from ours. My niece is in
7th grade and is going through all that stuff(crap) that goes on
socially for kids in school. She has been dealing with lots of
school/social stuff for years, but they think it's all normal, and
necessary for a healthy upbringing..yada,yada... My niece just made
the honor role. She excels academically.
I have a good relationship with my niece. I like her a lot, and we
get along well. We talk a lot, and joke around a lot. She comes
over just to hang out and play with my little ones. But we've had
one issue that keeps coming between us. My mother! My mom and I
have gotten really close over the past 5 years or so. She stopped
working, I started homeschooling and we have been able to get
together quite a bit because of this. My mom lives in FL(I live in
MD), so I visit every winter, sometimes twice(this year, it looks
like 3 times. She comes up and spends the summer in our resort town
in her own apt. and we spend most days at the beach with her. My
children adore her, and so do I really. My niece has a lot of
problems with all the time we get to spend with her, and she doesn't.
She has made it clear over the years that we have infringed on her
private Grandmom time. We'll come to the beach one day, and she'll
roll her eyes at the fact that we are there. She complains loudly
about the fact that we always get to go to FL and visit. My mom
tries to make special times with just her, but has come to feel that
my niece can be a little obnoxious about the way she expresses her
rights to have her to herself, orto have equal time. So every time
my kids get to see her, my mother is suppose to make sure my niece
gets as many times spent with her too.
I can understand this, coming from the mind of a 12 year old, but my
SIL seems to encourage this behavior. She makes comments to me about
my nieces feelings, and how much time we get to spend with my mom.
She seems to be implying I should purposely spend less time with my
mom to make it fair for her daughter.
My first thoughts to these incedents are, "tough!". We chose to have
a free lifestyle, my mother encourages us to come, and invites us to
do things, and loves being with my kids, and has always made that
clear, why should I change anything!?
Boy this is getting long.
Well the latest is, my mom suggested we come for Easter this year.
My 11yo dd said she wanted to have Easter at our house, so we said we
would come a different time. Then we found out my dh was going to be
away for Easter, and my dd siad that going to FL would be better than
being here without dad. My mother was here for a funeral, and I had
taken my dd and my niece to the funeral 1 1/2 hrs away and met my
mother there. The girls drove back with her, and my niece made plans
to come to FL over Easter for her spring break. She wanted my dd to
come too, but my dd didn't want to. So a few days after this, we
deide that going for Easter would be fun, and I didn't realize my
niece was planning on going(niether did my mother, because they had
had the one conversation, and she hadn't heard from her or my SIL
again about it. So when I called to say, that we changed our minds
and would be coming, she was very happy. Then last night my SIL
called and when I told her we were going for Easter, she told my
niece, and my niece stormed off into her room, apparently devistated
by the fact that we all would bbe there too, and that would RUIN her
time.
My SIL was telling me all of this, and I didn't know what to say. I
was kind of ticked and thought she was being rude to imply that maybe
we should change our plans now. I have 4 kids and we had already
discussed that we would be going for Easter. My 11yo was infuriated
that my niece would act like this(once again) and she was saying that
if we changed our plans for someone who was being rude and selfish,
that SHE would have a fit to. Well, she did. We spent the entire
evening discussing it, and I decided I would have no fun being there,
knowing my niece wouldn't want us there. My niece called and talked
to my dd, and said she wasn't going to go at Easter and would pick
another time to go (my dd thought she was being a big baby, but I
thought she actually made a good decision, probably with the help of
her mother)I decided that since we are the ones that have the
freedom, that we could choose another time to go, since it was so
important to her, to not have all of us there. My dd reluctantly
agreed, with the promise of us getting to go twice(once when my
parents wouldn't be there and we would house sit, then again, after
Easter. My niece immediately felt bad, that we changed our plans for
her. I think my SIL did too. She told me that my niece said "now I
don't want to go at all! and started to cry.
They called this morning with new plans and we are still working out
the details. Though we're still not going for Easter.
I was a little hurt by my niece, and angry at my SIL handling of her
daughters attitude about it all, but I bit the bullet and put on a
happy face and said it was all fine. And really it mostly is. I
feel better. The behavoir and attitude is theirs to deal with now,
and it will all work out fine.
I just have a nagging feeling, I have just justified my nieces
behavior, and I still feel hurt at the fact that she can so easily
let us know how much she doesn't want us around at times.
I can see how having 4 kids around ages 2 to 11 can very much change
the dynamics of any environment, but I still think it's rude to
express those feelings.
Anyway, it's pretty much over now, and I am doing my best to not have
any hard feelings about it all. They are still very important to me,
and I guess that is why it hurts a little.
It always makes me feel better to type it all out. I usually end up
deleting what I write, because I figure out my feelings by the end,
but I'm still going to send this one.
Joanna
and niece, so I thought I'd throw it out to you all, and get opinions.
My niece goes to PS and my SIL teaches 4th grade. My SIL and I
started out with the same parenting beliefs (fam bed, BF...) in fact,
she influenced me a lot. Ordered me Mothering, told me about LLL.
Anyway, over the years, we have gone in different directions, but
have remained good friends, though our busy separate lives, keep us
from seeing each other very much.
Their family dynamics are pretty different from ours. My niece is in
7th grade and is going through all that stuff(crap) that goes on
socially for kids in school. She has been dealing with lots of
school/social stuff for years, but they think it's all normal, and
necessary for a healthy upbringing..yada,yada... My niece just made
the honor role. She excels academically.
I have a good relationship with my niece. I like her a lot, and we
get along well. We talk a lot, and joke around a lot. She comes
over just to hang out and play with my little ones. But we've had
one issue that keeps coming between us. My mother! My mom and I
have gotten really close over the past 5 years or so. She stopped
working, I started homeschooling and we have been able to get
together quite a bit because of this. My mom lives in FL(I live in
MD), so I visit every winter, sometimes twice(this year, it looks
like 3 times. She comes up and spends the summer in our resort town
in her own apt. and we spend most days at the beach with her. My
children adore her, and so do I really. My niece has a lot of
problems with all the time we get to spend with her, and she doesn't.
She has made it clear over the years that we have infringed on her
private Grandmom time. We'll come to the beach one day, and she'll
roll her eyes at the fact that we are there. She complains loudly
about the fact that we always get to go to FL and visit. My mom
tries to make special times with just her, but has come to feel that
my niece can be a little obnoxious about the way she expresses her
rights to have her to herself, orto have equal time. So every time
my kids get to see her, my mother is suppose to make sure my niece
gets as many times spent with her too.
I can understand this, coming from the mind of a 12 year old, but my
SIL seems to encourage this behavior. She makes comments to me about
my nieces feelings, and how much time we get to spend with my mom.
She seems to be implying I should purposely spend less time with my
mom to make it fair for her daughter.
My first thoughts to these incedents are, "tough!". We chose to have
a free lifestyle, my mother encourages us to come, and invites us to
do things, and loves being with my kids, and has always made that
clear, why should I change anything!?
Boy this is getting long.
Well the latest is, my mom suggested we come for Easter this year.
My 11yo dd said she wanted to have Easter at our house, so we said we
would come a different time. Then we found out my dh was going to be
away for Easter, and my dd siad that going to FL would be better than
being here without dad. My mother was here for a funeral, and I had
taken my dd and my niece to the funeral 1 1/2 hrs away and met my
mother there. The girls drove back with her, and my niece made plans
to come to FL over Easter for her spring break. She wanted my dd to
come too, but my dd didn't want to. So a few days after this, we
deide that going for Easter would be fun, and I didn't realize my
niece was planning on going(niether did my mother, because they had
had the one conversation, and she hadn't heard from her or my SIL
again about it. So when I called to say, that we changed our minds
and would be coming, she was very happy. Then last night my SIL
called and when I told her we were going for Easter, she told my
niece, and my niece stormed off into her room, apparently devistated
by the fact that we all would bbe there too, and that would RUIN her
time.
My SIL was telling me all of this, and I didn't know what to say. I
was kind of ticked and thought she was being rude to imply that maybe
we should change our plans now. I have 4 kids and we had already
discussed that we would be going for Easter. My 11yo was infuriated
that my niece would act like this(once again) and she was saying that
if we changed our plans for someone who was being rude and selfish,
that SHE would have a fit to. Well, she did. We spent the entire
evening discussing it, and I decided I would have no fun being there,
knowing my niece wouldn't want us there. My niece called and talked
to my dd, and said she wasn't going to go at Easter and would pick
another time to go (my dd thought she was being a big baby, but I
thought she actually made a good decision, probably with the help of
her mother)I decided that since we are the ones that have the
freedom, that we could choose another time to go, since it was so
important to her, to not have all of us there. My dd reluctantly
agreed, with the promise of us getting to go twice(once when my
parents wouldn't be there and we would house sit, then again, after
Easter. My niece immediately felt bad, that we changed our plans for
her. I think my SIL did too. She told me that my niece said "now I
don't want to go at all! and started to cry.
They called this morning with new plans and we are still working out
the details. Though we're still not going for Easter.
I was a little hurt by my niece, and angry at my SIL handling of her
daughters attitude about it all, but I bit the bullet and put on a
happy face and said it was all fine. And really it mostly is. I
feel better. The behavoir and attitude is theirs to deal with now,
and it will all work out fine.
I just have a nagging feeling, I have just justified my nieces
behavior, and I still feel hurt at the fact that she can so easily
let us know how much she doesn't want us around at times.
I can see how having 4 kids around ages 2 to 11 can very much change
the dynamics of any environment, but I still think it's rude to
express those feelings.
Anyway, it's pretty much over now, and I am doing my best to not have
any hard feelings about it all. They are still very important to me,
and I guess that is why it hurts a little.
It always makes me feel better to type it all out. I usually end up
deleting what I write, because I figure out my feelings by the end,
but I'm still going to send this one.
Joanna