Re: children of divorce
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/15/2002 11:37:52 AM Pacific Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
one - bad marriage or divorce - without resulting issues.
I have to agree with Sandra here, too, that so many parents could probably
try harder for the kids sakes. I'm not talking about "staying together for
the kids" and just living in a bad marriage. I'm talking about not giving up
on a marriage without a much bigger effort and more support and learning of
skills to make it work. In our culture there is so much support for divorce.
Everyone talks about having the right to a "good relationship" and so on. But
so often the kids are left out of that equation. So many people go off and
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They justify it because they
weren't "getting their needs met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But
it is so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids.
--pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
> If we have bad marriages, that is what our children think marriage is.Yeah. I think that's true. But it doesn't mean that kids come out of either
> That's
> their model. Sometimes divorce is better.
one - bad marriage or divorce - without resulting issues.
I have to agree with Sandra here, too, that so many parents could probably
try harder for the kids sakes. I'm not talking about "staying together for
the kids" and just living in a bad marriage. I'm talking about not giving up
on a marriage without a much bigger effort and more support and learning of
skills to make it work. In our culture there is so much support for divorce.
Everyone talks about having the right to a "good relationship" and so on. But
so often the kids are left out of that equation. So many people go off and
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They justify it because they
weren't "getting their needs met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But
it is so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids.
--pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/15/02 7:03:07 PM, PSoroosh@... writes:
<< So many people go off and
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They justify it because they
weren't "getting their needs met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But
it is so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids. >>
No argument from me on that one.
Paula
<< So many people go off and
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They justify it because they
weren't "getting their needs met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But
it is so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids. >>
No argument from me on that one.
Paula
meghan anderson
<<<<I have to agree with Sandra here, too, that so
many parents could
probably try harder for the kids sakes. I'm not
talking about "staying together for the kids" and just
living in a bad marriage. I'm talking about not giving
up on a marriage without a much bigger effort and more
support and learning of skills to make it work. In our
culture there is so much support for divorce. >>>>
I agree! I think a couple should make every effort to
'save' their relationship before throwing in the
proverbial towel (in most cases - obviously I would
think differently if someone was in danger).
<<<<Everyone talks about having the right to a "good
relationship" and so on. But so often the kids are
left out of that equation. So many people go off and
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They
justify it because they weren't "getting their needs
met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But it is
so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids.
--pam>>>>
Sometimes I think it's just another symptom of a
culture who is used to instant gratification. The "Me"
generation!
Meghan
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many parents could
probably try harder for the kids sakes. I'm not
talking about "staying together for the kids" and just
living in a bad marriage. I'm talking about not giving
up on a marriage without a much bigger effort and more
support and learning of skills to make it work. In our
culture there is so much support for divorce. >>>>
I agree! I think a couple should make every effort to
'save' their relationship before throwing in the
proverbial towel (in most cases - obviously I would
think differently if someone was in danger).
<<<<Everyone talks about having the right to a "good
relationship" and so on. But so often the kids are
left out of that equation. So many people go off and
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They
justify it because they weren't "getting their needs
met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But it is
so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids.
--pam>>>>
Sometimes I think it's just another symptom of a
culture who is used to instant gratification. The "Me"
generation!
Meghan
__________________________________________________
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Sharon Rudd
Everyone talks about having the right to a "good
needs (to my satisfaction), so I will meet someone
else's" "So they 'go off and have affairs and that
ends the marriage".....(eventually).....This internal
(masculine) dialogue often begins during pregnancy....
SOS
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> relationship" and so on. But so often the kids areAnother excuse I have observed is "I can't meet your
> left out of that equation. So many people go off and
> have affairs and that ends their marriage. They
> justify it because they weren't "getting their needs
> met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But it is
> so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids.
needs (to my satisfaction), so I will meet someone
else's" "So they 'go off and have affairs and that
ends the marriage".....(eventually).....This internal
(masculine) dialogue often begins during pregnancy....
SOS
__________________________________________________
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[email protected]
<< So many people go off and
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They justify it because they
weren't "getting their needs met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But
it is so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids. >>
And many people do that because in an unconscious way it makes leaving
"easier" How is it any less selfish than just saying "i'm leaving"?
Elissa, who will soon be singing
Yippee - Kai - Yay!
have affairs and that ends their marriage. They justify it because they
weren't "getting their needs met" in the marriage. I'm sure it is true. But
it is so selfish and so thoughtless of the kids. >>
And many people do that because in an unconscious way it makes leaving
"easier" How is it any less selfish than just saying "i'm leaving"?
Elissa, who will soon be singing
Yippee - Kai - Yay!
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/16/02 7:22:26 AM, ElissaJC@... writes:
<< And many people do that because in an unconscious way it makes leaving
"easier" How is it any less selfish than just saying "i'm leaving"? >>
Not all couples break up over the first infidelity. So having an affair
isn't the same as leaving, necessarily (and maybe I misunderstood the
statement; likely I did).
But leaving does often need to be made easier. When I was deciding whether
to leave my first husband (we had married for a purpose, not for love--for
him to keep his brother and sister rather than have them shipped off to their
late mother's childless twin sister five states away), it helped to catalog
all the bad things and disregard the good things. Sometimes I wish I had
never left, but then my sister and other friends remind me of bad things I
hadn't even known about at the time.
We didnt' have kids, but it was disruptive for the two who were there, who
were 16 and 14 at the time. Not as disruptive as the deaths of their
parents, I told myself as justification. And the 14 yr old, the boy, had
never liked me anyway and I wasn't doing him much good in my very-young and
inexperienced state. That's another thing I'd love to be able to go back and
do with my current level of awareness.
Sandra
<< And many people do that because in an unconscious way it makes leaving
"easier" How is it any less selfish than just saying "i'm leaving"? >>
Not all couples break up over the first infidelity. So having an affair
isn't the same as leaving, necessarily (and maybe I misunderstood the
statement; likely I did).
But leaving does often need to be made easier. When I was deciding whether
to leave my first husband (we had married for a purpose, not for love--for
him to keep his brother and sister rather than have them shipped off to their
late mother's childless twin sister five states away), it helped to catalog
all the bad things and disregard the good things. Sometimes I wish I had
never left, but then my sister and other friends remind me of bad things I
hadn't even known about at the time.
We didnt' have kids, but it was disruptive for the two who were there, who
were 16 and 14 at the time. Not as disruptive as the deaths of their
parents, I told myself as justification. And the 14 yr old, the boy, had
never liked me anyway and I wasn't doing him much good in my very-young and
inexperienced state. That's another thing I'd love to be able to go back and
do with my current level of awareness.
Sandra
Sharon Rudd
Are you still in contact? He probably sees that you
kept learning and maturing, didn't just STOP like so
many do. Probably he is aware of the amount of CARE
that went into making the effort to be good to and
care for him....especially for such a young person.
You probably deflected him toward a happier, healthier
life than the one to which he probably was aimed.
SOS
in my very-young and
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kept learning and maturing, didn't just STOP like so
many do. Probably he is aware of the amount of CARE
that went into making the effort to be good to and
care for him....especially for such a young person.
You probably deflected him toward a happier, healthier
life than the one to which he probably was aimed.
SOS
in my very-young and
> inexperienced state. That's another thing I'd love__________________________________________________
> to be able to go back and
> do with my current level of awareness.
>
> Sandra
>
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[email protected]
In a message dated 1/16/02 10:11:42 AM, bearspawprint@... writes:
<< Are you still in contact? He probably sees that you
kept learning and maturing, didn't just STOP like so
many do. Probably he is aware of the amount of CARE
that went into making the effort to be good to and
care for him....especially for such a young person. >>
No, it was a bad end with that. He got really mean to other people too, so I
ended up somewhat justified. And I discovered just within the past few years
that he had been sexually abusing my little brother who was six years younger
or so. Horrible too-late-breaking news...
But I am in touch with Ruthie, his older sister! And she has a daughter
about Holly's age named Naomi. They got to see each other in November.
Sandra
<< Are you still in contact? He probably sees that you
kept learning and maturing, didn't just STOP like so
many do. Probably he is aware of the amount of CARE
that went into making the effort to be good to and
care for him....especially for such a young person. >>
No, it was a bad end with that. He got really mean to other people too, so I
ended up somewhat justified. And I discovered just within the past few years
that he had been sexually abusing my little brother who was six years younger
or so. Horrible too-late-breaking news...
But I am in touch with Ruthie, his older sister! And she has a daughter
about Holly's age named Naomi. They got to see each other in November.
Sandra