Judy Chamberlain

This week, while out to dinner with some families from my son's little
league team, I finally experienced the "what about socialization"
question(much laughter ensued here as my 11yo is the most social party
organizing child they all know) , along with "well, you make them learn
something everyday don't you? You're not just letting them hang out
around the swimming pool all day are you?" and then the topper......"how
will they learn to stand in line and deal with all of those other
frustrations that we have to deal with in real life?" I almost laughed
out loud....by living real life, of course!

I can't believe I made it through 10 years of home schooling without
these questions coming up. Everyone was always pretty supportive of us
home schooling. The first time I mentioned we were unschooling out in
public (not to family or CLOSE friends) I was bombarded......it was o.k.
I didn't feel defensive. Actually I was laughing inside thinking about
how superficial and reactive these questions were.
I tried to reply a bit, but could tell that when I didn't cave and had
reasonable and rational answers that posed a different perspective on
living life and learning, these people weren't really interested in
hearing in depth answers and having their beliefs challenged. So, we
chatted casually about it over dinner.
All of them were expressing disappointment with the school systems they
had their children in and that is how we got onto the subject of home
schooling in the first place.....I just sat and listened to their
frustrations with their various schools, reasons why they couldn't home
school and their surprise at the concept of unschooling.
I felt sorry for them....they seemed trapped in the mindset that they
can't do it....they have been brainwashed by the system.....someone even
brought up that I couldn't possibly be qualified to teach all the
subjects because I'm not an expert on them all.....my husband and I had
a good laugh as we reminded them that the elementary teachers that they
leave their children with are probably less qualified than we are as
they are certainly not experts on the subjects they teach, most of them
don't even have children themselves or much life experience! I also
informed them that where I went to college for nursing, the ones that
couldn't make it through A and P and Chemistry usually ended up in the
pool of students going into education.
When I reminded them that I'm just there to help them learn how to
learn and support them and be a resource, they were dumbfounded......I
could see them wondering, how is she possibly going to fill them with
all that information that they would get in school..... I went on to
remind them that they and I learn things all the time without being
taught or forced to learn by someone. That no one chases them around
telling them, you better learn how to do this or that....that they do it
because they are interested, etc. etc.
It was amazing to watch some of them start to think a bit and then shut
themselves down with some of the questions listed above and go back to a
more comfortable place. This exchange was good because it started with
all of them expressing dissatisfaction with the educational system,
then taking a brief look at our lifestyle and method and, if only for a
nano second, opening to a different possibility or way of doing things.

I look forward to more of these conversations with people as it
reinforces for me why we live the way we do and hopefully some of them
will see the light and form new perspectives and save their bright young
children from years of imprisonment!


judy chamberlain
judycha@...





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Sandra Dodd

On May 28, 2006, at 10:33 AM, Judy Chamberlain wrote:

> "how
> will they learn to stand in line and deal with all of those other
> frustrations that we have to deal with in real life?"


Going to the movies!
You should go to the movies more, so they can practice standing in
line. And buy popcorn and candy—you'll have to stand in line to do
that. <g>

-=-I almost laughed out loud....-=-

Laughing out loud is part of real life. I have laughed when people
ask me the crazy questions. I've also said "You asked that last
time, and they told you they don't HAVE a teacher—why are you asking
the same thing again?" That would be Uncle Gerry. <g> And I didn't
ask him in a tone that suggested that he shouldn't discuss it, it was
an honest question about why he doesn't even bother to remember or
think about the answers. <g>

-=-It was amazing to watch some of them start to think a bit and then
shut
themselves down with some of the questions listed above and go back to a
more comfortable place.-=-

We do rock the bigger boat, doing what we do.

I was thinking about babysitting the other day (speaking of rocking,
and rocking the larger cultural boat). I was kind of daydreaming,
casually running things through my mind while I was vacuuming and
changing a bed and stuff. Not serious thinking. And I was thinking
about babysitting, and the possibility and the very many downsides to
daycare, maybe for older homeschooled kids, and the thoughts were
just flowing.

I was thinking about how easy it was for people to babysit other
people's kids in the 1950's and 60's compared to now. Expectations
were SO close, as to how kids should behave and be treated, and that
was probably part of the whole idea of "culture" anyway, and
especially protestant American culture (yeah, "DUH" I thought to
myself, but not very consciously or hard), but now people have tons
of different philosophies and practices and environments and even if
there was nothing else but FOOD as an issue to consider I don't think
I could babysit someone else's kids, not for cheap. I was wondering
to myself what I would want to charge for doing things the parents'
way. And I figured out there probably wasn't any money under about
$20 an hour that I would take to follow someone else's rules about
food and behavior. Not in MY house. Maybe if I were a teen and
babysitting in someone ELSE's house, *MAYBE*—but even then, to treat
children by a list of rules instead of as real people, who have real
interested, or who miss their mom, or who would rather talk to me
about my real interests than to complete the list of chores their
parents left, and eat what their parents said for them to eat WHEN
their parents said to eat it, and then go to bed by the clock and be
asleep by the clock... I couldn't do that.

Maybe this culture is coming out of the fog of a culture in which
those who DID take care of other people's children were also
themselves being treated as children. Those whose children were
"minded" had them minded by servants or slaves or poor neighbors who
were because of necessity or class compelled to do just as the
parents said. Now that just everyone starts to feel they have rights
and free will and the duty to use their best judgement, it's all
going crazy! <bwg>

So in a conversation in which others might once have easily
intimidated one mom with pushy questions designed just for that
purpose, now she can politely decide not to laugh right in their faces.

If someone leaves a child here and tells me what they can and can't
eat, what they can and can't play with, what they can and can't do as
to video games and movies and such I will want to seriously say "Take
him with you, because if you want to leave him at my house, you're
leaving him at MY house. Capital MY.

Generally that's been the deal when people have left kids here anyway—
they already knew me and my kids and how the place was likely to be
hoppin', and that there would be food when kids wanted it, and they
could sleep or not as they wanted, and all of that.

Sandra

Pamela Sorooshian

On May 28, 2006, at 9:58 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:

> And I figured out there probably wasn't any money under about
> $20 an hour that I would take to follow someone else's rules about
> food and behavior. Not in MY house. Maybe if I were a teen and
> babysitting in someone ELSE's house, *MAYBE*�but even then, to treat
> children by a list of rules instead of as real people, who have real
> interested, or who miss their mom, or who would rather talk to me
> about my real interests than to complete the list of chores their
> parents left, and eat what their parents said for them to eat WHEN
> their parents said to eat it, and then go to bed by the clock and be
> asleep by the clock... I couldn't do that.

Roya babysits quite a bit and, early on, she ran into some serious
issues regarding parental expectations of how she'd handle food and
bedtimes. After a while, she decided to be upfront with the parents
and compromise a little, but not too much - she tells them that she
doesn't feel comfortable enforcing unhappy bedtimes or requiring kids
to eat certain foods - and that she will, instead, help them settle
down to fall asleep when they're tired and, although she won't try to
make them eat anything, she won't give them food the parents say is
off limits as long as it is put up way out of sight and out of reach.
Anyway, she was able to say these things and the parents still LOVE
her to babysit - she didn't argue with them or attack their
parenting, just said this is what makes her feel comfortable about
babysitting. TV and computers aren't usually an issue when she's
babysitting because she does stuff with the kids - takes activities
and crafts and games to do with them - and they look forward to that
a lot.

-pam

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Sandra Dodd

On May 28, 2006, at 11:45 AM, Pamela Sorooshian wrote:

>> *MAYBE*�but even then, to treat
>> children by a list of rules instead of as real people, who have real
>> interested,


interests.
Interests.

My fingers have started typing without me a lot lately.


-=-TV and computers aren't usually an issue when she's
babysitting because she does stuff with the kids - takes activities
and crafts and games to do with them - and they look forward to that
a lot.
-=-

She was at their house.

I have friends who used to leave their kids here on short notice, and
sometimes gave me money and more often didn't. Often I knew it was
because the parents were made at each other and hadn't coordinated
their days well, because one parent would bring the kids in some
pressured last-minute desperation, and the other parent would pick
them up later, clearly flustered.

So I figured every time that what the kids needed was a break. None
of them liked to discuss the parental problem if there was another
kid there. A couple of the three might talk to me about it if he or
she was the only one there, but if there were two kids in earshot,
there was a total cut-off from even thinking of the parents, it
seemed. The parents are separated now; it didn't work out.



But what the kids needed, especially the boys, was escape.

Their sister would sometimes just find a quiet place and draw or
write or look out the window, or if Holly was there they would so
something quiet and girly together.

When I knew they were coming, I would check with my kids about what
video systems could be set up for them to play, and I'd try to have
at least two systems, all set up and ready to go. They could play
alone or two together, but if I could let them just play and play and
play, it seemed the best possible thing.

At their house, even computer games were considered stupid. At my
house, I let them do what they wanted to do. I fed them or didn't.
I tried to make sure the temperature in the room was good and there
was ventilation and they had a bottle of bought water.

The parents would never have DARED suggest I do anything different,
because I would have risen up and defended their kids to them, and
they didn't want to risk for a second stirring up my commentary on
how they were being as parents.

Well! I didn't realize I still harbored some of the emotional
defense I had about that. <g> For a while, I was picking the mid-kid
up after school one day a week and taking him to an animation project
he was working on at the university. He didn't want to be going to
school. His brother and sister were still homeschooled, but he was
his dad's least favorite [clearly; not just my opinion] and he had
made him to to Albuquerque Academy against his will, "for his own good."

When they were younger, they and Holly used to do radio shows
(there's one tape recorded somewhere) with commercials, usually
involving pets or stuffed animals playing real animals. There's a
video they made once, before Holly knocked the video camera down and
it broke. Again, a play about a pet shop. <g> They had no pets at
their house, so our dog and cats were also popular attractions.

That wasn't babysitting so much as refuge, though.

Sandra




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