Re: control of behavior was grocery stores
Julia Swancy
Su wrote:
"The other piece of this for me is that often the
behaviors that tempt me to punish Eric are behaviors
that he really is not in control of. He's a great kid
who wants to do what's right and has a lot of respect
for other people but he is sometimes too tired, too
hungry, too over-wrought, or, recently for a period of
several months, apparently going through some kind of
mysterious developmental process we don't understand.
As hard as his behavior has been for me
during that period, there's no point in punishing
because if he could control himself, he would!"
thanks for this Su! this is a perfect description of
how things are with Galen (3) too. it's so important
to remember this at those moments when I'm really
frustrated with him-- he's probably really frustrated
with himself, too! or with me (gasp!)!! when all his
reserves are filled up, there are no problems. I
forget if it's inductive or deductive logic (never did
get that right in school lol), but at any rate I can
infer or deduce from that statement that problems
indicate a reserve is in need of a refill. as he grows
and learns how to voice what refill he needs the
"problem" behaviors I see now will be replaced with
words that I can understand better. of course, this
will be a long time coming, but I know it's coming! :D
Julia
"The other piece of this for me is that often the
behaviors that tempt me to punish Eric are behaviors
that he really is not in control of. He's a great kid
who wants to do what's right and has a lot of respect
for other people but he is sometimes too tired, too
hungry, too over-wrought, or, recently for a period of
several months, apparently going through some kind of
mysterious developmental process we don't understand.
As hard as his behavior has been for me
during that period, there's no point in punishing
because if he could control himself, he would!"
thanks for this Su! this is a perfect description of
how things are with Galen (3) too. it's so important
to remember this at those moments when I'm really
frustrated with him-- he's probably really frustrated
with himself, too! or with me (gasp!)!! when all his
reserves are filled up, there are no problems. I
forget if it's inductive or deductive logic (never did
get that right in school lol), but at any rate I can
infer or deduce from that statement that problems
indicate a reserve is in need of a refill. as he grows
and learns how to voice what refill he needs the
"problem" behaviors I see now will be replaced with
words that I can understand better. of course, this
will be a long time coming, but I know it's coming! :D
Julia
Su Penn
On Apr 17, 2006, at 11:50 AM, Julia Swancy wrote:
one night at my wit's end; I wanted to be sympathetic with Eric's
whining, seemingly non-proportional responses to tiny problems, his
pecking away at our personal space (literally poke...poke...poke),
this endless parade of challenging behaviors that had been going on
for weeks...maybe months, it's all a blur! But I felt like I was
constantly at the limit of my patience, or beyond. In bed, I wept on
my partner's shoulder. "This isn't the relationship I want with him!
This isn't the mom I want to be!"
The next morning, Eric woke up cheerful (rare for him even at the
best of times). All day, he handled small frustrations with aplomb
("We're out of pudding? That's OK, we'll get more when we go to the
store."), he participated cheerfully in decision-making, he respected
requests for personal space. He started taking himself to the
bathroom instead of wanting company, and even closing the door for
privacy while he was in there. He started cheerfully dressing himself
in the morning. And he's been like that ever since. We joke that his
software was upgraded during the night!
He'll be 5 in about six weeks.
The problem with the "developmental fix" having happened is that I
did _not_ solve my problems with impatience, I did _not_ figure out
better strategies for planning our time or using our days better, I
was _not_ able to figure out what underlying need Eric had that
wasn't getting met. I feel like I got a lucky break, but there are
still some mom-skills to be further developed for the next
challenging stage.
Su
> at problemsIt came for us literally overnight about two weeks ago. I went to bed
> indicate a reserve is in need of a refill. as he grows
> and learns how to voice what refill he needs the
> "problem" behaviors I see now will be replaced with
> words that I can understand better. of course, this
> will be a long time coming, but I know it's coming! :D
one night at my wit's end; I wanted to be sympathetic with Eric's
whining, seemingly non-proportional responses to tiny problems, his
pecking away at our personal space (literally poke...poke...poke),
this endless parade of challenging behaviors that had been going on
for weeks...maybe months, it's all a blur! But I felt like I was
constantly at the limit of my patience, or beyond. In bed, I wept on
my partner's shoulder. "This isn't the relationship I want with him!
This isn't the mom I want to be!"
The next morning, Eric woke up cheerful (rare for him even at the
best of times). All day, he handled small frustrations with aplomb
("We're out of pudding? That's OK, we'll get more when we go to the
store."), he participated cheerfully in decision-making, he respected
requests for personal space. He started taking himself to the
bathroom instead of wanting company, and even closing the door for
privacy while he was in there. He started cheerfully dressing himself
in the morning. And he's been like that ever since. We joke that his
software was upgraded during the night!
He'll be 5 in about six weeks.
The problem with the "developmental fix" having happened is that I
did _not_ solve my problems with impatience, I did _not_ figure out
better strategies for planning our time or using our days better, I
was _not_ able to figure out what underlying need Eric had that
wasn't getting met. I feel like I got a lucky break, but there are
still some mom-skills to be further developed for the next
challenging stage.
Su
Sandra Dodd
On Apr 17, 2006, at 11:21 AM, Su Penn wrote:
You might never have a challenging stage. Sometimes lives ARE easy,
and we don't have to hold our breath waiting for the next challenge.
Very cool story, about Eric.
I remember it was almost disturbing to me when one of my kids would
wake up one day and look different—the smile or face would have
changed. Just suddenly older.
Sandra
> The problem with the "developmental fix" having happened is that IHey, don't feel guilty about getting the bye, as it were.
> did _not_ solve my problems with impatience, I did _not_ figure out
> better strategies for planning our time or using our days better, I
> was _not_ able to figure out what underlying need Eric had that
> wasn't getting met. I feel like I got a lucky break, but there are
> still some mom-skills to be further developed for the next
> challenging stage.
You might never have a challenging stage. Sometimes lives ARE easy,
and we don't have to hold our breath waiting for the next challenge.
Very cool story, about Eric.
I remember it was almost disturbing to me when one of my kids would
wake up one day and look different—the smile or face would have
changed. Just suddenly older.
Sandra