lilith_pouia

Some new kids have moved in next door, and are being a bit of a
problem. My sons don't have many friends and they have thought it's
great. The kids next door are their same ages. The older boy goes to
public school and the four year old is home all day. Their single
Mother and Aunt who watch them send them outside to roam the
neighborhood almost all the time they are home. When my sons ask in
they can play at their house the boys say they aren't allowed to go
inside because their Mom is napping or whatnot. They are all over at
my house constantly. The problem is that the other kids are VERY
disrespectful of other people's things and space, and don't really
play with my sons so much as they just come over to use their stuff
and have somewhere to go. They knock on my door constantly at all
hours of morning and evening and walk around my house looking in the
windows. They treat my kids'stuff worse than my kids do. They come
into our fenced backyard and take my sons' toys over to their house
without asking, and we even think they came into our house when we
weren't home briefly the other night( we had left the back door
unlocked and they knew we were stepping out to go get dinner). Yes i
have realized we should have locked up better. I have tried to talk to
the older boy, who just lies to me. I'm not sure if i should speak
with his Mom. In all honesty i'd like to tell him he's not allowed
over here because he can't respect our space and my kids can only play
with him when they are outside, but my sons like having him in the
house. So what do you do when you feel like your privacy is being
violated by one of your children's friends and your children want to
have that friend over anyway?

Sandra Dodd

On Apr 15, 2006, at 9:37 AM, lilith_pouia wrote:

> e. I'm not sure if i should speak
> with his Mom. In all honesty i'd like to tell him he's not allowed
> over here because he can't respect our space and my kids can only play
> with him when they are outside, but my sons like having him in the
> house.


Yes, talk to the mom.

Make a deal with the kids that they can't come over until a certain
time, and just tell them flatly not to come in the yard unless it's
that time. Say "It's not okay to go in people's yards" but you can
say it nicely. If the mom and aunt aren't talking to them plainly,
you can.

We've had neighbors who would come over too early too much before,
and I'd say "Wait until noon" or something, depending on the season.

-=-So what do you do when you feel like your privacy is being
violated by one of your children's friends and your children want to
have that friend over anyway?-=-

Your own privacy, or your family's privacy?

Make the boundaries of the yard and house clearer to the other
children and their parents, but add when they CAN come over. Don't
make it seem like a banishment, or the other mom might say "You can
never go over there."

Help your children get the playtime they want. You might need to be
right there when those kids are over, but if you keep things out they
CAN play with or do, and snacks or whatever will keep them occupied
and civil, gradually they'll come to know you and you to know them.

I never hesitate to tell a kid what he can and can't do at my house,
but it seems there are other moms who can't even tell a visiting
child "Don't put your feet on the couch."

Sandra

lilith_pouia

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Apr 15, 2006, at 9:37 AM, lilith_pouia wrote:
>
> >
>
>
> Yes, talk to the mom.
>
I was only concerned about speaking with her because i don't think she
even realizes what's going on and she's very harsh with her children.
I was worried about how she would respond to her son if she knew.
>
Make a deal with the kids that they can't come over until a certain
> time, and just tell them flatly not to come in the yard unless it's
> that time. Say "It's not okay to go in people's yards" but you can
> say it nicely. If the mom and aunt aren't talking to them plainly,
> you can.
>
I just hoping asking them to stay out of the yard will be enough. If
one of my dogs bit them( not that my dogs normally bite) or they got
hurt on something of DH's in the shed i would held legally acountable.
We had already purchased beware of dog signs and no trespassing signs
that we haven't put up yet. We were also planing to buy our children a
swing set this weekend and i know it will be a tempatation to the kids
next door to be in our yard when we aren't home. I've already seen
them playing on a nieghbors swing set twice without permission from
the owner.
>
> Your own privacy, or your family's privacy?
>
I suppose both. I'm a very private person and just really don't like
people snooping around my house looking in bedroom windows. When i
didn't answer the front door early yesterday morning he tried to open
it, but it was locked.
>
Make the boundaries of the yard and house clearer to the other
> children and their parents, but add when they CAN come over. Don't
> make it seem like a banishment, or the other mom might say "You can
> never go over there."
>
> Help your children get the playtime they want. You might need to be
> right there when those kids are over, but if you keep things outthey
> CAN play with or do, and snacks or whatever will keep them occupied
> and civil, gradually they'll come to know you and you to know them.
>
> I never hesitate to tell a kid what he can and can't do at my house,
> but it seems there are other moms who can't even tell a visiting
> child "Don't put your feet on the couch."
>
> Sandra
>
Thank you for the advice. Talking to them about not coming over til
certain times and trying to help occupy and get to know them better
makes sense.

Lilith

Gold Standard

>>Some new kids have moved in next door, and are being a bit of a
>>problem.<<

I had to chime in here because we had seemingly the exact same problem when
we moved here 3 1/2 years ago.

Three children of the same family for whatever reason had little
understanding of boundaries, at least to my and my children's liking. Their
parents were very strict about their own home, but made them stay out of the
house all day as well. They had restrictions around tv and video games,
which made our house like an amusement park to them.

This is a Mormon family as well, and being that I didn't know much yet about
this religion and having moved into one of the highest populated areas of
Mormonism, I wasn't sure if I was dealing with a "cultural" thing as well.

Talking gently yet firmly to the kids, and telling them the boundaries (call
before you come [they seriously came over and over again all day long
driving my kids crazy because if they didn't want to play, they had to keep
saying no and why and when they would and it was exhausting for them...these
kids were VERY persistent...AND they were competitive and often mean], you
may not enter the yard or house without permission, and you need to respect
us and our stuff) had a little effect, but not much. This behavior that we
were asking them to change was years in the making...it was going to take
time and consistency on our part. I spoke to both parents next. Things
changed a little, but not enough for us.

There were two things that really made it work.

The first was my being there whenever they were around and sticking with the
boundaries. If they came without calling, I wouldn't let them in. I would
say, "You didn't call first, and we really need that. Give us a call before
you come." It may seem mean, but this is what my kids needed to not be
controlled by the neighbors' obsession. They would find a phone and call,
and the kids would be able to have better control of what happened next.

The second was dh's involvement. For whatever reason, his saying, "I know
we've told you ________, and I see you doing it. It may be hard to remember,
but if you want to be here, you've got to follow our ways here. If it
happens again, you'll need to stay away for a few days." I would say the
same thing and it would not have the effect that dh saying it did (which
really ticked me off at first because I get my meaning across really well
thank you, but I believe that may be a "cultural" thing as well...Dad is the
head of the house).

It took a long time, but they did eventually conform (I hate that word in
general!). After all, they WANT to be here, so doing what they need to do to
be here won out...otherwise, they couldn't be here. And life is much better
for my kids and dh and me when they're here...we have a great time together!
The neighbor kids seem much happier and easier-going too...I think they like
our ways. It is VERY competitive at their home...they get to relax here and
not "be the best" at everything.

We are some of the loosest people I know, so this was another telling thing
for us. Hell if you can't follow our loose boundaries, then you DO need our
help!

About the "in the yard, house when you are not there" part...these kids came
in our house and yard when we were gone as well.

For that one, I called their parents and let them know that the next time it
became evident that someone was in our house when we were gone, we would
call the police...not on their children, but because that is what we do when
someone has illegally entered our home. If it happened that it was their
children in our house then it would be in the police's hands and we wanted
to let them know in advance. Hasn't happened since.

Jacki

Sandra Dodd

On Apr 15, 2006, at 10:08 AM, lilith_pouia wrote:

> I suppose both. I'm a very private person and just really don't like
> people snooping around my house looking in bedroom windows. When i
> didn't answer the front door early yesterday morning he tried to open
> it, but it was locked.


I would have opened it and said "HEY! Don't try to open people's
doors. That's illegal. Don't. If someone doesn't come to the door,
you need to go back home."

I would do that for anyone, child or adult. If it were an adult who
didn't appropriately look away, I would threaten right then to call
the police.

-=I just hoping asking them to stay out of the yard will be enough. If
one of my dogs bit them( not that my dogs normally bite) or they got
hurt on something of DH's in the shed i would held legally
acountable.-=-

This sounds like justification not to tell them you just don't WANT
them in your hard. Even if you didn't have dogs or a shed, they
shouldn't be in your yard, or in your shed.

If their mom is harsh, it's sad to say this but you could use that.
You could say "Don't get in my yard or I'll call your mom."

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

On Apr 15, 2006, at 11:37 AM, Gold Standard wrote:

> Their
> parents were very strict about their own home, but made them stay
> out of the
> house all day as well.


I would call the county if I had neighbors who put their kids out all
day and wouldn't let them back in. That's about the same as sending
them over to your house, or out into an alley, or a street.

We had neighbors with one little girl. Four generations of dull-eyed
women in that house, and while I was sympathetic, they did NOT watch
that girl, and I suspect that ran in the family. She would come up
the road, three houses, barefooted in a diaper. And as she got
older, she would wander up, dirty, not speaking, finally say "Can I
play with your boys?" Sometimes they played, but she stole things.

Several times I walked her home. Once it was DARK, after nine, she
was not over three, and I walked her to the door, knocked pointedly,
ushered her in ahead of me, and said "She was walking past our house
and it's dark." They looked at me blankly like they weren't sure who
I was talking about and said "Okay" or something very non-committal.

They weren't mad at her, or worried, nor did they seem embarrassed or
guilty. They were just as neutral about me. That happened like a
bird might land in the yard and then fly off again.

We just started talking to her, and pointing out to here where the
antbeds were (so she wouldn't stand there) and such.

Once I went over to say the boys thought she had taken their Ernie
puppet. The next day they brought me a grocery sack of zuchinni and
the Ernie puppet in it.

It wasn't comfortable, but we did the best we could with it. I felt
sorry for the little girl. After a few years we moved.

Sandra

Robyn Coburn

<<<< The problem is that the other kids are VERY
disrespectful of other people's things and space, and don't really
play with my sons so much as they just come over to use their stuff
and have somewhere to go. >>>>

I have two thoughts to add to this issue.

When our neighbor kids come over and want to play with Jayn's
copious amounts of stuff and exclude her from the game, I have said,
more than once, "We are not a toy store or play facility. If you
come here to play, you need to play with Jayn, not just use our
stuff." If the visitor and Jayn can't come to an agreement about
what to play, I send him or her home. Usually that is immediately
followed by the other one arriving.

I got very tired of the little boy Jayn's age peeking in our
apartment french window, and wanting to hang in our (one) bedroom. I
realized that I was keeping the vertical blinds fully closed
constantly, but he was putting his wretched eye to any gap. So I put
up clear contact on the sliding glass doors to the balcony, which
has the effect of frosted glass, but still lets in light. (Low
budget movie trick). Perfectly easy to remove also.

As for the bedroom, I simply repeatedly said, "This room is private"
and James says the same thing.

I have also walked either one of them home (essentially down the
hall) if there has been a problem, or Jayn has asked that the
visitor leave.

I guess something that makes me wonder is that if you have a dog,
and that dog becomes acclimated to having non-family members
wandering the yard when the family is from home, then maybe the dog
won't be much use as a watchdog in the event some real burglar comes
prowling around. Maybe someone who knows more about dogs would have
a better take on that....

Robyn L Coburn
(Just checking in briefly)

lilith_pouia

--- In [email protected], "Robyn Coburn" <dezigna@...> wrote:
>
>
> I guess something that makes me wonder is that if you have a dog,
> and that dog becomes acclimated to having non-family members
> wandering the yard when the family is from home, then maybe the dog
> won't be much use as a watchdog in the event some real burglar comes
> prowling around. Maybe someone who knows more about dogs would have
> a better take on that....
>
> Robyn L Coburn
> (Just checking in briefly)
>
That is one of my concerns, as my dogs are the type that bark at
srangers coming around, but wouldn't bite anyone. They are treated
like family members and sleep in our bed and whatnot. My main concern
is that one of my dogs is a pitbull. We raised her from a puppy, and
she is great with our children and all our other pets including cats
and rats. But i try very hard to practice responsible pit bull
ownership, and don't want any incidents happening with my dog that
could add to the undue bad name this breed already has. I always
supervise my dog being around new people and especailly children, and
if i'm not able to be paying attention at the time i will seperate my
dog from the situation until i can be paying attention. Well, when
those children came into my house the other night my pit bull was in
the house and no one else was here(my other dog was outside, we don't
leave the pit bull outside when we aren't home). I know she wouldn't
bite anyone for no reason, but who knows what some mean kid like him
might do to her to try making her reactionary. So there is the concern
that my dogs will start to think it's normal to have strangers walking
through the yard and house, and there is also the concern that some
mean kid tresspassing in my house might do something really messed up
to my dog and get attacked and no one would be here. Myself and my dog
held accountable. I have already mentioned this, but we have bought
warning signs for our house and yard that we will be putting up today.

Sandra Dodd

On Apr 16, 2006, at 8:11 AM, lilith_pouia wrote:

> So there is the concern
> that my dogs will start to think it's normal to have strangers walking
> through the yard and house, and there is also the concern that some
> mean kid tresspassing in my house might do something really messed up
> to my dog and get attacked and no one would be here.


Tell your neighbors about your dogs. Tell the adults and the kids
that they need to NOT go in your yard, ever, when you're not there or
with them.

Putting a sign up won't do a bit of good if a kid can' or doesn't
read it.

Sandra

Julie W

> My main concern
>is that one of my dogs is a pitbull.
>

There is nothing wrong with reminding the neighbors of that fact and
that she is a watchdog (does not matter if she is or not) and you do not
know what would happen if someone just wandered into your house or yard.....
A little fear on the part of neighbor kids who seem to not understand
personal space or boundaries is not a bad thing. Much as I like being
the place where the kids want to come, I would not enjoy it if they were
little and I was beginning to feel like the neighborhood babysitter. One
could send their mother a bill for services rendered if it gets
excessive....

Are you really liable if a kid comes into your home or yard while you
are gone and gets bit?
Sure we have all heard the odd story, but I wonder what is statistically
true.
And do you have to lock your door if you don't want to?

Julie W
damngoodvintage.com

Kim H

----- Original Message -----
From: Robyn Coburn
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, April 16, 2006 7:35 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Children next door


<<<< The problem is that the other kids are VERY
disrespectful of other people's things and space, and don't really
play with my sons so much as they just come over to use their stuff
and have somewhere to go. >>>>

I have two thoughts to add to this issue.

When our neighbor kids come over and want to play with Jayn's
copious amounts of stuff and exclude her from the game, I have said,
more than once, "We are not a toy store or play facility. If you
come here to play, you need to play with Jayn, not just use our
stuff." If the visitor and Jayn can't come to an agreement about
what to play, I send him or her home. Usually that is immediately
followed by the other one arriving.

I got very tired of the little boy Jayn's age peeking in our
apartment french window, and wanting to hang in our (one) bedroom. I
realized that I was keeping the vertical blinds fully closed
constantly, but he was putting his wretched eye to any gap. So I put
up clear contact on the sliding glass doors to the balcony, which
has the effect of frosted glass, but still lets in light. (Low
budget movie trick). Perfectly easy to remove also.

As for the bedroom, I simply repeatedly said, "This room is private"
and James says the same thing.

I have also walked either one of them home (essentially down the
hall) if there has been a problem, or Jayn has asked that the
visitor leave.

I guess something that makes me wonder is that if you have a dog,
and that dog becomes acclimated to having non-family members
wandering the yard when the family is from home, then maybe the dog
won't be much use as a watchdog in the event some real burglar comes
prowling around. Maybe someone who knows more about dogs would have
a better take on that....

Robyn L Coburn
(Just checking in briefly)





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