Nanci Kuykendall

>--- My 7 year old treats us family members like doo
>doo. She talks back, pretends to kick us, slams
>doors, yells, resists help many times each day... She
>is great out and about, makes friends easily. As for
>her home behavior, I've had enough of letting her
>express her feelings. She actually loves to joke too,
>the silly stuff, which I find sooooo iritating when
>I'm in need of a simple ok, lets do it, like brush
>teeth.
>Mary

I agree with Sandra, your daughter needs more time
with you. I have an oppositional and agressive son
like this. He is five, and has had the behaviors you
describe at least since sometime after his brother was
born.

Some things we do to help him maintain more control of
himself and feel less angry:
Let him sleep in our bed at night (which his brother
has no interest in doing) so he can cuddle with us.
Hold him when he is feeling grumpy.
Since he and my husband both rise early, they spend
time cuddling in the mornings before breakfast.
Respond to sibling arguments by offering to play or do
something with them, or let them choose another
activityuwhich distracts them from whatever their
problem was.

Sometimes though, when he is just having a
particularly difficult day, it is overstimulation for
him. He is hyperactive and gets that way sometimes,
or occassionally it may be allergy related, as he has
a LOT of allergies. When he just is not fit company
for other living beings, we ask him to please spend
some time alone until he feels like being decent to
people. This defusing time is sometimes JUST what he
needs. We used to enforce his taking time in his
room, but he has learned how effective this is and
gives himself time alone when he is feeling really bad
and let's no one come in his room.

We also try very hard to model loving,
non-confrontational, non-agressive problem solving and
patient and affectionate relations. Some days I
marvel at how great he is doing, and other days I am
crying to myself, marveling at what a rotten mom I
must be.

It's really difficult to have these kinds of kids,
because other people are so judgemental. They ask you
things like "Why do you Let him act that way?" like
it's something we encourage in him. Maybe they would
rather I screamed and beat on him or something.
(shrug) I tend to think that kids like these are just
REALLY passionate and sensative. Think what creative
depths they have! I am breathlessly waiting to see
what he does with all this when he is older. ;-)

Nanci K.

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Nanci Kuykendall

>But I just can't reconcile that thought of all souls
>choosing and that some would choose the torture of
>the parents they get.
>Ren

I believe in reincarnation and in the notion that
souls learn certain lessons in each lifetime, and even
that some souls are "meant" to be together or are
drawn to each other. I am a romantic I suppose. But
I DO NOT believe that child souls go shopping for
families and choose which ones they want. I will
never believe that I chose the childhood I got.

Nanci K.

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Nanci Kuykendall

>Personally, I find it possible to live mindfully and
>in the present, and to also think about that which
>cannot be proven. I don't see pondering the
>imponderables as letting wishfulness guide one's
>decisions. But I'm also not out to convince anyone
>else that I have anything all figured out. My path is
>mine alone, whether or not someone has joined me
>before or not.
>~Mary

Mary, I couldn't agree more.

Nanci K.

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