Ren Allen

"IMPOSING a "less is more" principle on a child just sounds
puritanical, though, to me. What if a child thinks having a big party
and getting lots of gifts sounds really fun?"

Trevor had BIG Birthday parties when he was little. He was an only
child for almost four years, and our first, so we had FUN.
Hired a clown once, always made nice birthday cakes, tons of friends
and gifts etc...

His choice of "parties" in the last few years have either involved
very small get togethers or just one friend and a day spent
shopping/goofing off and eating lunch out.

He turned 16 today. My New Year's baby is just two years from being
a legal adult. We spent last night celebrating....with one other
family, some homemade pizza and a cake. He played video games, which
he does every day and had a very nice birthday....exactly how he
wanted it.

Actually, he would have liked to play paintball, but it's a bit
chilly and nobody wanted to play with him (they don't like the pain
part)....so we're waiting until spring. :)

Doing nice things for your kids doesn't turn them into some kind of
greedy monsters..really.

Ren

Ren Allen

" When you
see how someone else does things, I think it is fine to observe how
you feel about it. It gives you an opportunity to learn something
about yourself. How, why would you do things? If differently? The
problem is stopping with the observation before it turns into a
judgment. Does that make sense. My perspective may be different but
not better."

Well, sometimes it is!!:) If a parent is being mean to a child, I
DO judge that as "not better".

But a lot of our "stuff" is tied to childhood and it makes for some
interesting examinations. If you allow yourself to feel the initial
feeling, then stay with that feeling and examine it (rather than try
to stop it) you CAN learn some really amazing things about yourself.

I often find that messes create some yucky feeling bubbling up in
me...but if I stay with the feeling and examine it (as Jon Kabbat-
Zin explains so beautifully in "wherever you go, there you are") I
often find there is some underlying reason that has nothing to do
with the actual mess. Our emotions are often tied to issues buried
a bit deeper than the surface reaction...it IS good to examine that
and see where it leads.

Ren

Sandra Dodd

> -=-" When you
> see how someone else does things, I think it is fine to observe how
> you feel about it. It gives you an opportunity to learn something
> about yourself. How, why would you do things? If differently? The
> problem is stopping with the observation before it turns into a
> judgment. Does that make sense. My perspective may be different but
> not better."-=-
>
> On Jan 2, 2006, at 11:53 AM, Ren Allen wrote:
>
> -=-Well, sometimes it is!!:) If a parent is being mean to a child, I
> DO judge that as "not better".-=-

======================================


I totally agree with Ren.

For years we've had a recurring discussion about whether judgment is
a good or a bad thing.
It has to be a good thing or else there's no way to distinguish
between things, no direction to face when trying to "do better."

Part of what I think it is is the Christian platitude "judge not,
lest ye be judged." But for the kind of Christians I grew up with,
'judgment' had to do with absolutes, with "saved" or "damned."

My judgment that someone else might ought to try to be a better mom,
or a more honest person, or more responsible, doesn't condemn them in
any real way. They get bad marks in my own universe; I'm less likely
to ask them to babysit. But that doesn't mean others share my judgment.

Denying that we're judging things isn't healthy. It's useful in the
context of being sheep to be led. Don't YOU judge, let the leaders
judge and then tell you what to think, whether someone is still good
enough to come to church or whether he should be run off. At our
church we were told to leave judgment to God, but I've seen people
discouraged, and run off, and defended, and covered for, and
condemned church-wise.

But when a parent is reviewing his or her own childhood memories and
current relationships and the messages she might be still reciting
(with the tone and accent of a grandparent, sometimes) , that DOES
require a judgment. Is that internal message good to keep or should
that recorded loop be quieted down?

Sandra

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